One Night a Complimentary Dinner was given to a Captain of Industry by
some Friends looking for Orders.
The Chairman of the Arrangements Committee was a popular Wine-Pusher,
consequently the volunteer Search Parties were out for Three Days
after, gathering up the Dead.
Along about 10:30, when every Perfect Gentleman was neatly Stewed, a
Man connected with the Jobbing Trade got up to say a Few Words.
He was keyed to Concert Pitch and the Audience was Piped and all the
old sure-fire Bokum of a Sentimental Nature simply Killed them in their
Seats.
When he Concluded, the hilarious Bun Brothers, with the mussed-up Hair
and the twisted Shirt Bosoms, arose to their Feet and waved Napkins and
gave the Orator what he described to his wife at 2 A. M. as A Novation.
Another Good Man was spoiled.
After Herman made this goshawful Hit with the Souses he became
convinced that he was an After-Dinner Wit.
Gus Thomas and Simeon Ford had nothing on him.
Whenever he found himself seated at a Table with other People and Food
being served, he began to suck Lozenges and classify his Anecdotes and
try to appear Unconcerned.
All the time he was simply waiting for the Main Fluff to come up from
behind the Chrysanthemums and say, "We have with us this evening."
He knew he was a Dinger, because he remembered how the Magnificent
Assemblage stood and cheered him for five minutes.
Therefore his Voice sounded to him a good deal like the Boston Symphony
Orchestra playing Rubinstein's Melody in F.
Whenever People sat down in front of the decorative Canape Caviar and
got ready to endure the Horrors of another Hotel Gorge, they would
glance across the Snowy Expanse of White, dotted with plump California
Olives and cold, unfeeling Celery, and seeing Herman seated opposite,
would remark, "Stung!"
He could not have been kept in his Chair with a Ton of Coal in each
Tail-Pocket.
And if The Ladies were present, that was when he worked in the Bird-
Calls and ordered out the Twinkling Stars.
According to the Expectation Tables of the Insurance Actuaries,
probably he will Stick Around for 32 years more and never find out that
he is a Pest.
MORAL: Those who bemoan the Decline of Oratory should remember that
Oratory never was known to Decline.