_House of Commons, Monday, May 13._--"Well," said the Member for the
Otley division of Yorkshire, "I suppose I've gone through as many
vicissitudes as most men. First I was a BARRAN, now I'm a baronite.
Really, I don't know but what, if they'd made me an earl, I wouldn't
go and sit in the House of Lords. Not because, as good Radical, I
don't despise them, but just to give them advantage of my company, and
place in their way a useful example. Instead of which, here's WOLMER
become Earl of SELBORNE, and insists upon continuing to sit with us!"
Incursion of the Pirate Peer effectively managed. Those old
campaigners, GEORGE CURZON and ST. JOHN BRODRICK, took the business
in hand. The thing was to be a great surprise. Accordingly, took
the SPEAKER into confidence, also the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD (The Little
Minister, MACFARLANE, who has just been reading BARRIE, calls him),
PRINCE ARTHUR, JOSEPH, and a score or two others. The Pirate Peer
was to come down in hansom at four o'clock, to be met by BRODRICK
in Palace Yard; CURZON, armed to the teeth, standing at fifty paces
nearer entrance to House of Commons.
BRODRICK, who likes to do the thing thoroughly, suggested that the
Pirate Peer should fly a black flag out of port-hole at top of
cab. CURZON liked idea, but thought it would attract inconvenient
attention. Finally compromised by arrangement that cabby should
tie bit of black ribbon on his whip. Effect symbolic without being
obtrusive.
Everything went off excellently. Not a hitch in the arrangements.
Whilst questions still going on GEORGE CURZON, with frock-coat lightly
but firmly buttoned over a belt teeming with pistols, sauntered in
from lobby. Glanced carelessly round House. Accidentally, as it were,
placed himself between unsuspecting Sergeant-at-Arms and glass door
giving entrance to House. If the armed official attacked Pirate Peer
it should be across his (CURZON'S) body.
At preconcerted signal BRODRICK rapidly entered; bustled down to Front
Opposition Bench. Attention of Members thus attracted, the Pirate
Peer followed, strode with firm step down House. "Just as if he were
walking the plank," said DONALD CURRIE, looking on admiringly. Before
House knew what had happened, there he sat, smiling and blushing,
between those pillars of Law and Order, JOE and COURTNEY. Never since
Parliaments began had British Constitution received such a staggering
blow. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, whilst anxious to see destruction of
House of Lords, is not disposed to have stray fragments incorporated
with fabric of Commons. Called SPEAKER'S attention to presence in
their midst of the Pirate Peer. Asked what they were going to do with
him?
An anxious moment. GEORGE CURZON tugged nervously at the arsenal
scarcely concealed under his frock coat. ST. JOHN BRODRICK
involuntarily stretched forth his hand in direction of Mace. Suppose
he were to seize it, sweep the Treasury Bench clear at a blow, whilst
GEORGE CURZON, with pistol in either hand, and dagger between his
teeth, let fly a volley or two? We might have had a revolution.
Quieter counsels prevailed. SPEAKER directed Pirate Peer to withdraw
below Bar whilst his case was being discussed.
SELBORNE obeyed the mandate, and the ground thus left clear, JOE
and the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD had a tussle. JOSEPH accused the SQUIRE of
acting in a fit of temper. The SQUIRE retorted that it was not only
untrue, but that at the time of offering remark JOSEPH was perfectly
well acquainted with its entire freedom from the trammels of truth.
[Illustration: The Pirate's Convoy. Penny plain, Twopence coloured.]
"Dear me," said Pirate Peer, looking round uneasily. "I hope they
don't talk like that in the House of Lords."
_Business done._--Clause I. Welsh Disestablishment Bill through
Committee.
_Tuesday._--Pirate Peer in the offing again. Ran in, as before, under
protection of guns of consorts, GEORGE CURZON and ST. JOHN BRODRICK.
Lay to under gallery whilst question discussed at large. House never
able to keep up interest in this kind of thing over successive days.
Novel and exciting enough yesterday; steam not to be got up for second
day. Only for JOE, business would have come to conclusion after
formal proposal by SQUIRE OF MALWOOD to refer whole matter to Select
Committee. JOSEPH'S interposition led to inevitable row. Wanted, for
some inexplicable reason, to drag in CARMICHAEL. Quoted _Debrett_ to
establish his claim to dormant Earldom of Hyndford.
JOE left alone in advocacy of this line. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD had rare
good time. Read passage from JOE'S speech of last year, when question
to succession of Coleridge Barony under discussion. Had said then
exactly the reverse of what he to-day averred in respect of succession
to Selborne Peerage, and status of new Peer in House of Commons.
[Illustration: Evidently a Dormant Duke! (Mr. Kn-tchb-ll-H-g-ss-n.)]
"The fatal thing about JOSEPH," said SARK, "is that when he makes a
statement on one side of a case or the other, he does it with such
point, in such felicitous phrase, with such convincing emphasis, that
it sticks in the memory. When, twelve months or nine years later,
circumstances lead him to other side of question, he delivers himself
on it with same incomparable gifts of point and lucidity. The bringing
out of his former assertion is not so conclusive as you would think,
because the two--affirming a thing is white one day, protesting on the
next it is black--are so evenly balanced that the case stands exactly
where it did. This sharp confronting of JOSEPH denying with JOSEPH
affirming would be fatal to some men. To our JOE it is not even
embarrassing. House roars with delight. He sits silent, apparently
unconcerned, and somebody else will suffer by-and-by."
_Business done._--Committee appointed to inquire into case of the
Pirate Peer.
_Thursday._--The longer Major RASCH lives, the fainter grows his faith
in the nobility of human nature. To-night brought down with him a
few carefully selected, choice specimens of the American pea-bug.
Naturally expected everybody would welcome the little stranger.
Especially interesting to Minister of Agriculture. Being a man of
taste, Major had installed the insects in dainty _bon-bon_ box; swung
it lightly between forefinger and thumb as he inquired what HERBERT
GARDNER meant to do about it? "Will the right hon. gentleman," he
said, "have consignments of peas coming from America marked as such,
and put in bond, so that the bugs may develop there, and not in the
British market garden?"
At this way of putting it, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD pricked up his ears. To
quick instincts of CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER bugs in bond suggested
new field of taxation. Made a note of it.
The GRAND YOUNG GARDNER smiled at the claims of long descent put
forward by RASCH on behalf of the tenants of his _bon-bon_ box.
"Nothing new in it," he said superciliously. "Known the creature all
my official life. Your so-called American pea-bug is nothing more than
the pea and bean weevil. Came over with the Conqueror. Agricultural
Department even now publishing leaflet describing manners and customs
of the early settler, and suggesting various ways of soothing its last
moments."
[Illustration: "I may have been Rash."]
This hard; sorer still conduct of Members immediately near the Major.
Began to sheer off, putting him, so to speak, in quarantine.
"I don't care," said TOMLINSON, "whether its American pea-bugs or the
pea and bean weevil. What I do say is that no man has any business to
bring such things with him into the social circle."
"I may have been Rash," said the Major humbly.
"You are," said TOMLINSON tartly.
_Business done._--Coolness sprung up between TOMLINSON and Major
RASCH. Budget Bill read second time.
_Friday._--"Pity the sorrows of the poor postman, whose wandering
steps has brought him to your door." Thus KEARLEY, in a long speech,
from which it appeared that if there is a down-trodden fellow-creature
whose state looks hopeless, it is the postman. The story of the man in
Wales who trudged seventy miles a day, including the diurnal ascent
of a mountain 7,000 feet high, sent thrill of horror through House.
KEARLEY subsequently explained he meant 700 feet high. But that a
detail. Seven seems to be this man's fateful number, for his pay is
seven shillings a week--a shilling a day, including the mountain.
ARNOLD MORLEY, on other hand, showed that the lot of the postman is
truly idyllic. Handsomely paid when on duty; booted and uninformed;
is accustomed to retire in the prime of life on pension amounting to
two-thirds of his salary.
"Why," said WILLIE REDMOND, thinking regretfully of days that are
no more, when JOSEPH GILLIS carried the bag, "as things go now, it's
better to be a postman than an Irish Member." Finally decided
to appoint Committee to inquire into truth of these conflicting
statements.
_Business done._--Didn't get into Committee on Civil Service
Estimates.
* * * * *
NEW VERSION OF AN OLD PROVERB. (_For the Use of Local
Optionists._)--One Vetoist may keep a toper from his favourite pub;
but fifty cannot make him drink--water.
* * * * *
"THE IMMORTAL WILLIAMS" ON THE ANTI-BRITISH MOVEMENT IN EGYPT.--"Oh,
my prophetic soul, DELONCLE!"--_Shakspeare, adapted from the French._
* * * * *
Transcriber's Note:
Page 245: 'conseqeuntly' corrected to 'consequently'.
"... and Mr. HOWE was consequently appointed to the post."