_Portsmouth, Monday._--Thank heaven! Got rid of politics for a season.
Off to Cowes, as guest of SPENCER, on board _Enchantress_. Admirable
institution, an Admiralty yacht; reconciles one to Naval Estimates,
almost. But there!--must _not_ think of Estimates now. Must try and
remember this is a holiday, to get ozone and sleep--especially sleep.
_Cowes._--SPENCER really _very_ nautical. Talks of fast cruisers and
water-tube boilers all the time. Great on torpedo-destroyers. Says
the _Havoc_ "goes twenty-five knots an hour." Well then, why can't
HARCOURT get up the same pace with our Bills? Wish he'd turn into a
Parliamentary _Havoc_. Mention this to SPENCER, who laughs, and says,
"It's the Opposition who indulge in twenty-five Nots an hour."
Believe SPENCER means it as a joke. Turn in, and think of HARCOURT and
SPENCER'S joke and Twin-Screw Cabinets and Water-veto-boiler Bills.
Wretched night!
_Portland, Tuesday Morning._--Rather unfair of SPENCER. Now he's got
me safely on board, he's always trying to persuade me that Navy
wants more money spent on it. More money! Refer him to HARCOURT, the
"inexorable _Jorkins_." Try to hide from SPENCER. No good. He finds me
behind a coil of rope on half-quarter-deck--_is_ it half-quarter-deck?
Not sure, and don't like to ask--and begins again. Seems he would
like a few more millions for guns. Thought we had heaps of guns. Talks
about a ship he calls _The Hecckler_. What a name! Reminds me of every
political meeting I've ever attended. Why will Lords of Admiralty give
such names? SPENCER explains--seems it's _Hecla_, not _Hecckler_. Oh!
All right. Fear SPENCER begins to think me rather a land-lubber. Got
me at an advantage here. Wait till I take him to Newmarket Heath!
_Off Plymouth._--Down in engine-room. Tell head stoker that House of
Lords is an effete institution. Stoker winks. _Can_ he be a Tory? Tell
him it's a "gilded prison." Stoker seems surprised, and asks, "Why I
don't chuck it up, then?" Curious--no repartee handy. And I am so good
at them, generally. Must consult "_Fridoline_," _traduit de l'Anglais
de "Happy Thoughts,"_ to see what would be a "repartee to a stoker."
Bed. SPENCER won't hear of it as bed; talks of "turning-in to his
bunk." What an enthusiastic "First Lord" SPENCER does make! Thinking
of First Lord, wonder who'll be Last Lord? Go on wondering till dawn.
What a noise swabbing the deck makes! Wish I were back at the Durdans!
_Scilly Islands, Wednesday._--Blue sea, lovely weather. Delightful to
have left all worries, all politics, far behind, and to---- Boat seen
approaching from land. Man says he has a telegram for me! Oh, hang
telegrams! Wish I were well out at sea. What can it be about? Japan?
Siam? Chitral? No. Only to tell me result of Walworth and West Dorset
elections! Hem! Seems I _am_ at sea--politically. Thoughtless of
ASQUITH to have wired me on the subject. HOMER handsomely beaten. Why
didn't he stick to his Iliad? And READE--deserves the Old Bailey for
being licked by the new one! Question now is--where's our majority?
Ask SPENCER. SPENCER replies it's "as plain as a marlinspike." Says
Walworth lost because not enough money spent on Navy. Assures me
Navy "much more important than Army; in fact, it's the Predominant
Partner." This is _too_ much! Ask SPENCER, as a favour, to maroon me
on some desolate isle--say Lundy. Won't do it. Bribe a sailor. Landed
at Lizard. Off to town! Next time I want sea air, shall run down to
Clacton on the "Belle."
* * * * *
OXFORD DEGREES.--Certainly Messrs. DAN LENO and ALBERT CHEVALIER
should have Masterships of Arts conferred on them. The "_Voces
Stellarum_" at the Oxford Observatory (otherwise Music Hall) are well
worth hearing. Mr. BURNETT (J. P.) has just issued a brochure on this
Music-Astronomical subject, chiefly remarkable for a brief essay on
"The Pantomimic Art," by PAUL MARTINETTI, whose right to speak on such
a theme, as an authority, may be arrived at by any one who sees this
most artistic pantomimist in a short melodramatic piece--a piece
which thoroughly tells its own tale without words--now being performed
nightly at the Oxford. It is admirable. If action can do so much, then
why not a Shakspearian play in action, and "the student" could read
the words to himself at home? We recommend the idea to Mr. PAUL
MARTINETTI, and should advise him to re-arrange _Don Quixote_, as "a
piece without words," for Mr. HENRY IRVING, who now looks and acts the
part to perfection; the piece itself might then be of the actor, that
is,--if action were substituted for its very poor dialogue.
* * * * *
POLITICS À LA PERKYN MIDDLEWICK.--The Radical wire-pullers now regard
the middle-class Walworth voters (for Mr. BAILEY) as "Shop 'uns,"
and the county division which returned Colonel WILLIAMS as "inferior
Dosset"!
* * * * *
[Illustration: "GREAT CRY AND LITTLE WO(O)L-MER!"
BATHING WOMAN. "COME ALONG, MASTER SELBORNE, AND TAKE YOUR DIP LIKE A
LITTLE NOBLEMAN!"]
* * * * *