"Come in" said the Senior Tutor of St. Boniface: and two scholars came
in. (He knew they were scholars, because this was his hour for seeing
scholars.) One was a heavy-looking young man in a frock coat and tall
hat. The other was a spruce youth, who looked as if nature had intended
him for an attorney's clerk; as, indeed, nature had.
"Scholars, I presume, gentlemen?" inquired the Tutor. The young men
bowed. "In what subjects, may I ask? You, sir" (turning to the spruce
youth) "Mr.--I forget your name--eh? Oh, thanks--is it Classics?
History? Natural Science, perhaps?"
"Oh no, sir; I hold a 'Daily Thunderer' Scholarship."
"Exactly: I remember now. You read all through _Tit-Bits_ for a whole
year, and the 'D. T.' pays you--l,200 pounds, isn't it? The task is a
little dear at the price, it always seemed to me: but still,
_Tit-Bits_--"
"It isn't quite that, sir," put in the youth; "it was for the
'Encyclop--'"
("I _knew_ it was dear at the price," the Tutor murmured.)
'"--aedia Pananglica,'" continued the scholar. "My Scholarship is for
reading that. I have it outside, in three packing-cases."
"The Scholarship?" asked the Tutor, weakly.
"No," said the scholar; "the 'Encyclopaedia Pananglica.'"
"Well," the academic dignitary resumed, "and what have you read? To
prepare yourself for a university career, I mean."
"The 'Encyc--'"
"Of course, of course; but anything else? I wish to know so as to advise
you with respect to the direction of your studies. Have you, for
instance, read any Homer?"
"Homer!" the youth replied--"Oh, yes, I know about Homer. There is a
picture of Homer, drawn from life, and very well reproduced, among the
illustrations of the article 'Education.' There is one there of
Comenius, too. Homer and Comenius--"
"Were both educationists, I know," said the Tutor: "but not, properly
speaking, in the same way. However--you have not studied the father of
poetry in the original, it would appear. Any Xenophon, perhaps? or
Caesar?"
"I don't think I know much about Xenophon," replied the young man, "but I
have a friend who failed in Caesar for the Cambridge Locals, and he said
it was pretty easy."
"Do you know _any_ Greek or Latin at all?"
"Well, as I came along I bought a Delectus: I was told it might be
helpful for attaining the highest honours."
"Exactly. You thought it might be helpful--of course, of course. You
were quite right--perfectly, perfectly correct," the Tutor murmured, with
a faraway look in his eyes. Then he collected himself, and turned to the
other aspirant. "And you, sir--pardon me, I didn't quite catch--eh? Oh,
thanks!--what, may I ask, are the conditions on which you hold _your_
Scholarship?"
"My education," replied the heavy young man, "was completed at the Jabez
H. Brown University of Thessalonica, Maine, U.S.A. I am a recipient of a
Scholarship under the provisions of the will of the Right Honourable
Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist. No doubt, Professor, you
will have heard of him."
"Ah! a Rhodes Scholar," said the Tutor. "That is better--much better.
You will, no doubt, study the Classics. There are those (I am well
aware) who are disposed to object to modern American Scholarship as an
excessive attention to minutiae: but personally, I confess, I am no enemy
even to a meticulous exactness, which alone can save us from an incurious
and slipshod rhetoric! . . . And what, then, are the points of
scholarship which it has been your endeavour to elucidate? Have you
followed in the steps of the lamented Professor Drybones of Chicago, who
died before he could prove, by a complete enumeration of all the
instances in Greek literature, that [Greek text] is never the first word
of a sentence? Have you--"
"Pardon me, Professor," put in the Rhodes Scholar. "That ain't my
platform at all. I may say, I don't take any stock in literatoor."
"Am I then to understand," the Tutor asked, "that you are _not_
acquainted with the Greek and Latin Classics?"
"Not considerable," replied the American. "In fact, not any."
"And to what, then, have your studies been directed?"
"Not to books, Professor. No, nor yet laboratories and such. I was
elected Scholar by the unanimous suffrage of my class in Thessalonica,
Maine, for Moral Character. When it comes to Moral Character, you look
at me. That is just where I am on top every time."
"Moral Character!" exclaimed the Tutor, aghast. "Oh, dear me! I am
afraid that won't do at all--here. Moral Character--well, I hardly know
how to put it--but the fact is that if _that_ is all that you have to
rely upon, you would be sent down within a year infallibly--Oh,
infallibly, I assure you! . . . But," he continued, "we must try to
think of something for both of you gentlemen. Could I not give you both
a letter of recommendation to my friend the Master of St. Cuthbert's?
_There_, I know, they value very highly both morality and the
'Encyclopaedia Pananglica.' I am sure it would be just the place for you
both. Do let me write!"
"As the Master of Alfred's sent Cecil Rhodes on to Auriol?" suggested the
spruce young man, innocently.
"As the Master of--why, no," said the Tutor, "I think that won't do,
after all. Really, I believe, we must try to keep you at Boniface."
Boniface had suffered severely from agricultural depression. "Well,
gentlemen--come to me again two hours hence, and we will try to think of
something for you. Good morning!"
* * * * *
The Tutor was in a sad quandary. Paid as he was by results fees, he
could not afford to receive pupils who would disgrace him in the Schools.
Yet it had always been his creed that a College must adapt itself to
existing circumstances, and be instinct with the Zeit Geist.
For a long time he remained wrapt in meditation.
* * * * *
Two hours elapsed, and the Tutor was again confronted with the twin
aspirants to academic honours. He regarded them with the mien of one
visibly relieved from a load of care. "These papers, gentlemen," he
said, pointing to certain documents which lay upon the tutorial table,
"relate to a project of which you have doubtless heard--I refer to the
extension of our Public Schools into the remoter regions of the British
Empire. They are reprinted from Mr. Sargant's admirable letter to the
_Times_, and the leading article on the subject. You are acquainted with
them--No? Then pray take the papers: you will find them most instructive
and agreeable reading during the voyage."
"The--the voyage?" exclaimed the Rhodes Scholar.
"Certainly," said the Tutor, "during the voyage. During the long
afternoons when you are steaming over the oily calm of the Bay of Biscay,
or being propelled (by friendly natives) down the rushing waters of
the--ah--Congo. What I am proposing is that you two gentlemen should
become members of our Branch Establishment in Timbuctoo. You _must_ have
heard of it! When schemes so beneficial to the Empire are mooted, was it
likely that the Colleges of our great Imperial Universities would not
take the lead in the van of progress? And when Eton, Harrow, and
Giggleswick have founded institutions, similar to themselves in every
respect except that of mere locality, in Asia, Africa, and Australasia,
was the College of St. Boniface to be a laggard? Assuredly not.
Gentlemen, I commend you to our Alma Mater beyond the seas."
"But, Professor," the Rhodes Scholar objected, "I was sent here across
the salt water dish to join the College of St. Boniface. They were kind
of sot upon that in Thessalonica. I guess they will be disappointed,
some, if I ain't made a professing member of St. Boniface."
"But you will be, my dear sir--you will be!" cried the Tutor, with
vehemence, "a member of St. Boniface-in-Timbuctoo: Sancti Bonifacii
Collegii apud Timbuctooenses alumnus: it is precisely the same thing.
You have doubtless read, in the course of your historical investigations,
how Eton is really an offshoot of Winchester: is Eton not a public
school? Of course it is. Similarly, in the Middle Ages a portion of the
University broke off and migrated to Stamford. Was it Oxford any the
less because it happened to be at Stamford? Not the least. The two
institutions--St. Boniface in Oxford and St. Boniface in Timbuctoo--are
precisely identical. When you gentlemen in future years are competing
for--and I trust, I am sure, obtaining--positions of distinction and
emolument in the great world, you will be entitled to describe yourselves
as Boniface Men. You can drop the 'Apud Timbuctooenses' if you like: the
omission will not be considered fraudulent. But I see no reason why you
_should_ drop it. Personally, I should glory in it. Had I won a
scholarship for Moral Character, I would go to Timbuctoo to-morrow!
There, it seems to me, is your special sphere. In Oxford, Moral
Character is so frequent as to be a drug, a positive drug: but in
Timbuctoo the possession is precious in proportion to its rarity."
"But have they got the Tone and the Tradition there, sir?" asked the
holder of a 'Daily Thunderer' Scholarship. "That would be, for me, very
important. My family were especially anxious--"
"Assuredly they have got the Tone and the Tradition. _Coelum non animum
mutant_--you have met with that, probably, in the 'Encyclopaedia
Pananglica.' Absolutely unimpaired, I assure you. We take great pains
about that. Just an instance--the Visitor is the Bishop of Barchester,
just as here with us: the local King wanted to be Visitor, but of course
we couldn't allow that. Imagine--a Visitor with fifty-three wives, not
to mention! It wouldn't have done at all: the Tone _must_ have suffered.
We are in constant communication (wireless, of course) with the Timbuctoo
Branch: we are always being consulted. Only this morning we had to deal
rather severely with an undergraduate member of the College--aboriginal,
as many of them are--who insisted on playing the tom-tom in prohibited
hours. Of course, we must back up the Dean, and in case of--emergency,
we replace him and compensate his relations."
"You speak, sir," said the student of the Encyclopaedia, "of a local
King. I understood that the College was on British territory."
"The British Empire," replied the Tutor, "includes Hinterlands. This is
a Hinterland. It is consequently from time to time the duty of the local
college authorities to assist the British Resident at the Court of
Timbuctoo in pulling down the French, German, Italian, Russian, and
Portuguese flags, all of which have been occasionally erected. But the
country is practically annexed. We are--ah--suzerains."
"I understand, Professor, from your observation relative to the tom-tom,"
put the American scholar, "that the students of your College are
subjected to the regular British discipline? That would be kind of
essential for me. Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist, was
particularly anxious that I should have the full advantages of your fine
old high-toned mediaeval College rules. You have regulations, I
presume?"
"The regulations," replied the Don, "are framed (as exactly as possible
in the circumstances) on the lines with which we are familiar in Oxford.
It has not been advisable, so far, to establish the Proctorial system in
its entirety throughout the capital of Timbuctoo; but within the walls of
St. Boniface (or perhaps in strict truth I should say within the Zariba)
the strictest discipline prevails. Clothing is essential--if not worn,
at least carried in the hand--for attendance in Hall and at lectures.
Morning chapel is obligatory: conscientious objectors, if aborigines, may
keep a private fetish in their rooms. Cannibalism is only permitted if
directly authorized by the Dean, after a personal interview."
This appeared to satisfy the Rhodes Scholar; his companion wished further
to know whether residence in a Colonial College could be regarded as a
step on the Educational Ladder. His friends, he said, had impressed upon
him that his function in life was to climb the Educational Ladder.
"The ladder to which you refer," explained the Tutor, "can be scaled as
well in Africa as in England. In fact, better; there are distinctly
greater facilities. In view of the regrettable inadequacy (at present)
of any organized system of primary education in Timbuctoo, secondary
education has been obliged to modify some of its standards. The
University of Oxford, never backward in the march of progress, is
prepared to make the requisite concessions; and, as a result, you will
find that the highest honours are attainable without any acquaintance
with the ordinary subjects of our curriculum. It is, I should say, the
very place for you. Remember, too, that the very largest latitude is
allowed--nay, encouraged--in the choice of special subjects qualifying
for the M.A. degree; and what a field you will find! The habits of
residents--indeed, of some among your own fellow students--are most
interesting to the student of Anthropology! while investigations among
the flora and fauna of this country must be fraught with the most
delightful potentialities. I confess, I envy you. I do not think I am
saying too much if I assure you that this University will be ready and
willing to confer upon you, not only the ordinary M.A. degree, but a
Doctorate of Science or Letters!
"Then," continued the Tutor, "as to recreations; _neque semper arcum
tendit Apollo_--I beg your pardon, I mean to say that you cannot always
be studying the domestic habits of the hippopotamus under a microscope.
Sports and games you will find plentiful and interesting. There is
head-hunting, for instance--"
"Hunting the head of the college, do you mean, Professor?" asked the
American.
"Certainly not," replied the Don, with dignity. "That would not, under
any circumstances, be permitted. If it were the Dean, now--but, oh no,
certainly not the Head. What I refer to is the pursuit and collection of
decapitated human heads, belonging generally to personal enemies of the
collector; it is a sport common in Borneo, and among other interesting,
if primitive, nationalities. This pastime is, I understand, a favourite
one with some students of the college. It is practised, I need hardly
say, under the very strictest supervision; there must be a certificate
signed by the British Resident, and a special written recommendation from
the Director of the Craniological Department of the Museum. Under such
restriction abuse is, of course, impossible. Then, again, there is golf;
and it is hardly necessary to remind you that the Sahara provides perhaps
the finest natural golf links in the world."
"Well, Professor," said the American, "I guess I will start. But how are
we going to get right there, now? On the cars?"
"By the Cape to Cairo railway, when it is open," the Tutor answered.
"There will be a branch line. At present, the main line is, as you are
aware, incomplete, and the branch is--well, in course of construction.
Passengers are conveyed by motor. Or, if not by motor, by ox-waggon;
trekking by the latter method is, I believe, the safer way; both,
however, are, I understand, most commodious. I may explain to you that
the present is a particularly auspicious occasion for your journey; you
will travel in the company of the new Junior Dean, whose society, I am
sure, you will find delightful. His predecessor, a personal friend of my
own, succumbed, I grieve to say, a few months ago--owing to the alleged
inadequate supply of beef-steaks at a 'Torpid' breakfast. . . . Painful,
but apparently inevitable. I need hardly say, the perpetrators of this
insult have been rusticated for a whole term."
"Is the Junior Dean a coloured person--a nigger?" asked the Rhodes
Scholar.
"_All_ the College officials," explained the Don, "are, in the highest
and best sense of the word, white men. Some of the Ordinary Fellows, it
is true--Mr. Sargant's scheme contemplated, you see, the election to
fellowships of persons of local distinction. But our officials are,
without exception, Oxford men. It would be impossible, otherwise, to
preserve the Tone and the Tradition."
"And now, gentlemen," he continued, "I must not keep you too long.
Procrastination is the thief of time, eh? and besides, your boat leaves
Southampton to-morrow. All expenses on the journey refunded by the
Timbuctoo Bursar, on application. Are your boxes unpacked? No? Then
all you have to do is to alter the labels."
"About the 'Encyclopaedia,'" said the spruce youth. "It is in three
packing cases--a bit 'eavy. Will carriage be paid?"
"Oh certainly, certainly," replied the Tutor. "Of course, I _might_
relax our regulation about bonfires in the quadrangle--but no, no, I am
sure you will find it most useful, even up-to-date--in Timbuctoo. _Good_
morning!"
* * * * *
The Tutor, with a sigh of relief, renewed his perusal of the
"Itinerarium" of Nemesianus. Nemesianus, honest man! did not know where
Timbuctoo was. Nor, for the matter of that, did the Tutor.