[LITERALLY TRANSLATED BY A BALLIOL FIRST-CLASS MAN]
[On a Proposal to place Bicycles within the precincts of the Bodleian
Library]
I. Not concerning a thing of no moment, O Conscript Fathers, you are now
called upon to decide: whether to one man by the counsel and advice of
Curators it is to be permitted that he should take away from you the
power of placing in the Proscholium the instruments of celerity, the
assistances of (your) feet, the machines appointed by a certain natural
providence for the performance of your duties: whether, in which place
our ancestors sold pigs with the greatest consent and indeed applause of
the Roman people, from that (place) bicycles are to be ejected by one
guardian of books. O singular impudence of the man! For be unwilling,
Conscript Fathers, be unwilling to believe that in this pretence of
consulting for (the interests of) a public building something more is not
also being aimed at and sought to be obtained: in such a way (_lit._ so)
he attacks bicycles that in reality he endeavours to oppress the liberty
of each one of you: that by this example and as it were by the thin end
of a certain wedge he may lay the foundation of a royal power over all
these things, which I (as) consul preserved. Concerning which matter I
could say much, if time allowed me: now behold and examine the miserable
condition of those whom a man devoid of constancy and gravity overturns
from (their) fortunes.
II. What! shall the Masters of Arts, what! shall the Doctors, what!
shall the Proctors themselves (than which kind of men nothing can exist
more holy, nothing more upright, nothing more auspiciously established)
be compelled to come on foot that they may consult those most sacred
volumes in which the Roman people have wished that all learning should be
included? The Hypobibliothecarii, what men! what citizens! will, I
believe, walk, especially considering that it is to be contended by them
against the lengthiness of a journey: and then, if, as (usually) happens,
some sudden tempest should arise, they must suffer (their) bicycles
lacking shelter to be most miserably corrupted by rain. It has been
handed down to memory, Conscript Fathers, that Caius Duilius was
permitted by the republic, which he had saved by (his) incredible
fortitude, to be borne by an elephant whenever he had been invited to a
dinner. Therefore, did he use a most luxurious quadruped that he might
by so much the more quickly arrive at a banquet: shall we, who desire to
hasten not for the sake of lust and the belly, but for the sake of this
learning and books, be forbidden to employ bicycles? I pray and entreat
you, Conscript Fathers, do not allow this disgrace to be branded upon the
heart itself and entrails of the commonwealth.
III. But for(sooth) the College of All Souls (which I name; for the sake
of honour) is near, in which machines may be sheltered. O thing before
unheard (of)! From which place even undergraduates have been excluded by
a certain divine will: into that shall bicycles be thrown? O times, O
manners! It is not fitting, Conscript Fathers, that the studies of most
learned men, Fellows, should be interrupted in this way. Moreover, they
also have a library, that to them also it may be possible to say that
wheels should be kept afar off: they have keys, bolts, bars, a gate, a
porter: they will exclude, reject, expectorate them. Which act I blame
in such a way that I confess and acknowledge that it will be done with
the greatest legality.
IV. If the Founder of the Library, if Sir Thomas Bodley himself, I say,
should stand forth from the Elysian fields, it is not necessary that I
should remind you with what ancient severity he would inveigh against
this new power, against the Bibliothecarius, nay rather, against the
Curators themselves: for you can calculate (it) in (your) minds. He
would say to them, "Did I give you authority over books, that you should
use it against bicycles? did I place you in an upper part of a most
convenient building, that you should also rule the lower? did I endow you
with huge wealth and an enormousness of stipend, that you should
therefore the more exercise a kingly dominion over the common utility,
and the necks, heads, lives, fortunes of the poorer citizens?" To which
interrogation and most stern reproach I do not think they, although they
are of a remarkable audacity, could answer anything: for neither is there
(anything) that can be replied.
V. Although I wish to say more things, I am deterred by the will of the
editor of that most known Magazine (than which paper I do not think that
anything is more conjoined with the safety of the republic): nor am I not
also prevented by tears and weeping itself. Conscript Fathers, if there
is anything in you of constancy, if of gravity, if of fortitude, if of
humanity (which that there is I most certainly know), fortify this common
citadel of the good: open the Pig Market, closed by the intolerable
influence of bad men: be unwilling, be unwilling that the seat of the
Muses, the School of Divinity, the most delightful meeting-places of
Boards of Faculties, should be stained by royal power and polluted by
cruelty. Which that it will certainly happen if you do not prevent it by
your votes, I most confidently predict and vaticinate.