(_A Suggestion not necessarily Founded upon Facts._)
SCENE--_The Interior of a Police Court: a case is in course of disposal.
The Magistrate has made up his mind to deal summarily in the matter._
_Magistrate._ And so you say that the prisoner has a bad record?
_Policeman X._ A very bad one, your Worship. We have strong reasons for
believing that he has been in every prison in the kingdom for crimes of
varying gravity.
_Magistrate._ By the new anthropometrical system, you can identify him?
_Policeman X._ Certainly. I have here certificates from no less than two
hundred gaol governors declaring his hair to be the colour of pea-green.
_Magistrate._ And I notice the prisoner has hair of that peculiar hue.
_Policeman X._ Certainly, your worship; and on that account I claim that
you impose upon this man the heaviest punishment within your
jurisdiction.
_Magistrate._ And now prisoner what have you to say?
_Prisoner._ Merely this, that the man who last night broke into the
jeweller's shop was not myself but another. I had nought to do with the
crime. The constable has sworn that the caitiff had pea-green hair. Now
I have not pea-green hair; my locks are black.
_Magistrate._ Assertion is not proof. By the anthropometrical system we
can spot you. Look at yourself in the glass and you will see that your
hair _is_ pea-green.
_Prisoner._ You are wrong, Sir. You see my curls are of raven black.
(_Removes his wig._) Am I not right? Am I not entitled to release?
_Magistrate._ Certainly. Officers, do your duty. Release your prisoner!
[_The accused is liberated, and, in the company of some trusted
pals, leaves the Court without a stain upon his character, and with
the intention of doing a little more burgling before he is many
hours older. Curtain._
* * * * *
On reading a "Smart" Novel.
Heavy moralities, _à la_ SARAH GRAND,
Are tedious oft, and trivial to boot;
But some who write of Vice with a "a light hand,"
Merit the impact of a heavy foot.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SEPARATE IRISH CHAMBER!
(_After a rough Sketch by the Right Hon. J. Ch-mb-rl-n!_)
["Since the defeat of the Home Rule Bill they (the Irish Party) have
all been engaged in blackening each other's characters, and painting
each other's portraits; and I venture to say that the result of that
is not a gallery of pictures, but a _Chamber of Horrors_."]]
* * * * *