_Or, The New Year Dream of the National Anti-Gambling
Leaguer._
Oh! it must have been the grog, for I slumbered like a log,
And I dreamed--_such_ a dream! I was holding forth in court,
And the prisoners in the dock,--how the Sporting League 'twould shock!--
Were the Princes, and the Nobles, and the Leading Lights of Sport.
A supreme, successful raid on the Jockey Club we'd made.
No mere stuffy, sordid set, of poor betting-men _this_ time,
No cheap winner-spotting snobs, but a lot of topping nobs,
And I had them on the hip, and I charged the lot with Crime!
It was prime to see a Prince at my language flush and wince,
And a Lord Chief Justice squirm, and a stern-faced Judge quite blench.
_But_--I could not fail to mark the demeanour of the Clerk,
Who looked on it _as a lark!_--and that Beak upon the bench--
Ah! he had a mighty "beak," which I felt a wish to tweak--
Had a wink in his left eye which seemed frivolous, if funny;
And he didn't seem to suit us, for we wished a stern-faced BRUTUS;
Nay, a ruthless RHADAMANTHUS were the big-wig for _my_ money.
Ah! it wanted resolution to conduct that prosecution,
With a Prince and several Dooks, and an Earl, a County Squire,
And a Mephistopheles, who sat lounging at his ease,
Whom the culprits all called "JIMMY," and seemed hugely to admire;
For although I ramped and raved, Beak and Prisoners behaved
In a fashion which seemed scornful, and assuredly was light;
And that Clerk--confound his mug, which looked strangely like a pug!--
And the chap for the defence, with his eyes so brisk and bright,
They seemed all upon the grin, or almost, which was a sin,
And I'm sure I heard a Dook whisper in a Judge's ear,
"_Don't old Mulberry Nose look funny? I will bet you any money_----!--"
Well, I missed the wager's point; but oh, dear! oh dear!! _oh_ dear!!!
Think of betting--in a Court! And I thundered against Sport,
Which meant Gambling, more or less, and red ruin, and disgrace.
From the girls who, though they're loves, wager wickedly--in gloves,
To the Plunger Peer who shames his ancient race--to win a Race.
Ah! I think I "gave them beans." I'm uncertain what that means,
But the Lord Chief Justice whispered I was doing so--to "JIM"--
And the phrase I overhead, and although it sounds absurd,
I felt it meant a compliment to me, compelled from him.
So I said "Sport may intrigue and set up a rival League
To our holy Anti-Gambling One; but Sport is a Foul Sink
We have pledged ourselves to purge with a besom and a scourge----"
But here that Punchian eye indulged in a prodigious wink,
Such a spasm of sheer fun, that I felt the case was done;
Court, Prisoners, Judge, assumed the guise of a colossal Joke!
My head appeared to swim, the wild vision did dislimn,
And with a shriek of bitter disappointment I--awoke!
* * * * *
"ANGLO-INDIAN."--We are indisposed to go the full length of agreement
with the learned Editors of the _New English Dictionary_ in their
study of the derivation of the objectionable word "damn." In the
interesting extract you inclose they remark: "The conjecture that the
word is the Hindi _d[=a]m_, _dawm_, an ancient copper coin, of which
1,600 went to a rupee (see YULE), is ingenious, but has no basis in
fact." That may be so. It is, nevertheless, a curious coincidence that
at the present time the steady declension of the money value of
the rupee, combined with its immoveable rating in the salary list,
produces in the Civil Service and the army in India a state of feeling
subject to which at least 1,600 dams go to a rupee. We much fear that,
under this provocation, our army in India is able to compete with
regiments earlier enrolled, who, you will remember, "swore terribly in
Flanders."
* * * * *
[Illustration: COMBINATION COSTUMES FOR COVENT GARDEN.
"THE TWENTY-FIRST OF DECEMBER!"
"WHAT NONSENSE YOU DO TALK. HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT OUT?"
"WHY, ANY FOOL COULD SEE THAT. THE SHORTEST DEY AND THE LONGEST
KNIGHT, OF COURSE!"]
* * * * *