SECTION 17.

(1790-1)

MISS BURNEY RESIGNS HER PLACE AT COURT.

[The following section concludes the story of Fanny's life at

Court. Her entire unfitness for the position which she there

occupied had been, from the commencement, no secret to herself;

but her tenderness for her father had determined her to endure to

the utmost before resigning a place to which her appointment had

been to him, in his short-sighted folly, a source of such extreme

gratification. But now she could endure no longer. The

occasional relief which she had found in the society of Mrs.

Delany and Colonel Digby had been brought to an end by the death

of the one and the marriage of the other ; her spirits were

broken, her state of health was becoming daily more alarming and

she at last summoned up courage to consult her father on the

subject, and to make known to him her desire of resigning. Blind

as he had shown himself to the true interests of his daughter,

Dr. Burney was still the most affectionate of parents. He heard

Fanny's complaint with grief and disappointment, but with instant

acquiescence in her wishes. His consent to her plan being

obtained, Fanny for some months took no further steps in the

matter. She was willing to remain at her post so long as she was

capable, with whatever difficulty, of supporting its fatigues.

But her health failed more and more, and the memorial was at last

(December, 1790) presented to the queen. Even yet the day of

release was far distant. The "sweet queen" was in no hurry to

part with so faithful a servant, and although she had accepted

the resignation, she did not conceal her displeasure at being

reminded of it. Meanwhile the unfortunate victim of royal

selfishness was growing daily weaker. Her friends were seriously

alarmed: even her fellow-slaves at Court commiserated her, and

urged her retirement. A successor was at length appointed, and

on the 7th of July, 1791, Fanny found herself once more free.

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During the interval which elapsed between the consultation with

Dr. Burney and the presentation of the memorial, an incident

occurred which occasioned to Fanny much distress and not a little

annoyance. Her own narrative of the affair we have not thought

it necessary to include in our selection from the "Diary," but

here a few words on the subject may be not unacceptable. Fanny's

man-servant, a Swiss named Jacob Columb, had fallen dangerously

ill in the summer of 1790, and was sent, in August, to St.

George's Hospital. He was much attached to his mistress, who, he

said, had treated him with greater kindness than father, mother,

or any of his relatives, and on leaving Windsor he begged her to

hold in trust for him the little money in his possession,

amounting to ten guineas. She offered him a receipt for the

money, but he refused it, and when she insisted, exclaimed, "No,

ma'am, I won't take it! You know what it is, and I know what it

is; and if I live I'm sure you won't wrong me: and if I don't,

nobody else sha'n't have it!" Moved to tears by the poor

fellow's earnestness, Fanny complied with his request. In the

following month he died at the hospital, desiring, in his last

moments, to leave everything to his sisters in Switzerland. "He

certainly meant," writes Fanny, "everything of his wearing

apparel, watches, etc., for what money he had left in my hands he

would never tell anybody." She was preparing, accordingly, to

transmit Columb's effects, including, of course, the ten guineas,

to Switzerland, when a claimant appeared in the person of Peter

Bayond, a countryman of the deceased. This man produced a will,

purporting to be Columb's, by which the property was left to be

divided between Bayond himself and James Columb, a cousin of the

pretended testator, then in service with Horace Walpole. Fanny's

instant conviction was that the will was a forgery, and the

appearance and behaviour of Bayond confirmed her in this belief.

James Columb, moreover, concurred in her opinion, and she had

decided to ignore this new claim, when she received an attorney's

letter, desiring her to pay to Bayond the sum in her hands of the

late Jacob Columb. She then wrote to Walpole, who offered her

his assistance, with many expressions of warm regard. But

finally, after much trouble, and threats of a lawsuit, she was

advised that her best plan would be to let the will take its

course, and to pay over to the claimant the sum in question ; and

thus the matter was settled, "in a manner," she writes, "the most

mortifying to Mr. Walpole and myself."-ED.)

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A MELANCHOLY CONFESSION.

May 25.-The Princess Augusta condescended to bring me a most

gracious message from the king, desiring to know if I wished to

go to Handel's Commemoration, and if I should like the "Messiah,"

or prefer any other day?

With my humble acknowledgments for his goodness, I fixed

instantly on the "Messiah" and the very amiable princess came

smiling back to me, bringing me my ticket from the king.

This would not, indeed, much have availed me, but that I

fortunately knew my dear father meant to go to the Abbey. I

despatched Columb to Chelsea, and he promised to call for me the

next morning.

My "Visions" I had meant to produce in a few days; and to know

their chance before I left town for the summer.(333) But I

thought the present opportunity not to be slighted, for some

little opening, that might lighten the task of the exordium upon

the day of attempt. He was all himself--all his native self-

-kind, gay, open, and full fraught with converse.

Chance favoured me: we found so little room, that we were fain to

accept two vacant places at once, though they separated us from

my uncle, Mr. Burney, and his brother James, who were all there,

and all meant to be of the same party.

I might not, at another time, have rejoiced in this disunion, but

it was now most opportune: it gave me three hours' conference

with my dearest father--the only conference of that length I have

had in four years.

Fortune again was kind ; for my father began relating various

anecdotes of attacks made upon him for procuring to sundry

strangers some acquaintance with his daughter,(334) particularly

with the Duchesse de Biron, and the Mesdames de Boufflers(335) to

whom he answered, he had no power; but was somewhat

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struck by the question of Madame de B. in return, who exclaimed,

"Mais, monsieur, est-ce possible! Mademoiselle votre fille n'a-t-

elle point de vacance?"(336)

This led to much interesting discussion, and to many confessions

and explanations on my part, never made before; which induced him

to enter more fully into the whole of the situation, and its

circumstances, than he had ever yet had the leisure or the

spirits to do; and he repeated sundry speeches of discontent at

my seclusion from the world.

All this encouraged me to much detail: I spoke my high and

constant veneration for my royal mistress, her merits, her

virtues, her condescension, and her even peculiar kindness

towards me. But I owned the species of life distasteful to me; I

was lost to all private comfort, dead to all domestic endearment;

I was worn with want of rest, and fatigued with laborious

watchfulness and attendance. My time was devoted to official

duties; and all that in life was dearest to me--my friends, my

chosen society, my best affections--lived now in my mind only by

recollection, and rested upon that with nothing but bitter

regret. With relations the most deservedly dear, with friends of

almost unequalled goodness, I lived like an orphan-like one who

had no natural ties, and must make her way as she could by those

that were factitious. Melancholy was the existence where

happiness was excluded, though not a complaint could be made!

where the illustrious personages who were served possessed almost

all human excellence, yet where those who were their servants,

though treated with the most benevolent condescension, could

never, in any part of the live-long day, command liberty, or

social intercourse, or repose.

The silence of my dearest father now silencing myself, I turned

to look at him; but how was I struck to see his honoured head

bowed down almost into his bosom with dejection and discomfort!--

we were both perfectly still a few moments; but when he raised

his head I could hardly keep my seat, to see his eyes filled with

tears!--"I have long," he cried, "been uneasy, though I have not

spoken; but if you wish to resign, my house, my purse, my arms,

shall be open to receive you, back;"

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The emotion of my whole heart at this speech-this sweet, this

generous speech--O my dear friends, I need not say it

We were mutually forced to break up Our conference. I could only

instantly accept his paternal offer, and tell him it was my

guardian angel, it was Providence in its own benignity, that

inspired him with such goodness. I begged him to love the day in

which he had given me such comfort, and assured him it would rest

upon my heart with grateful pleasure till it ceased to beat.

He promised to drink tea with me before I left town, and settle

all our proceedings. I acknowledged my intention to have

ventured to solicit this very permission of resigning.- "But I,"

cried he, smiling with the sweetest kindness, "have spoken first

myself."

What a joy to me, what a relief, this very circumstance! it will

always lighten any evil that may, unhappily, follow this proposed

step.

CAPTAIN BURNEY's LACONIC LETTER AND INTERVIEW.

June.-I went again to the trial of poor Mr. Hastings : Mrs. Ord

received from me my companion ticket, kindly giving up the Duke

of Newcastle's box to indulge me with her company.

But I must mention an extraordinary circumstance that happened in

the last week. I received in a parcel--No, I will recite it you

as I told it to Mr. Windham, who, fortunately, saw and came up to

me--fortunately, I say, as the business of the day was very

unedifying, and as Mrs. Ord much wished to hear some of his

conversation.

He inquired kindly about James and his affairs, and if he had yet

a ship; and, to let him see a person might reside in a Court, and

yet have no undue influence, I related his proceedings with Lord

Chatham, and his laconic letter and interview. The first running

thus:--

"My Lord,--I should be glad of an audience; if your Lordship will

be so good to appoint a time, I will wait upon you. I am, my

Lord, your humble servant,

"James Burney."

"And pray," quoth I to James, when he told me this, "did you not

say the honour of an audience?"

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"No," answered he, "I was civil enough without that; I said, If

you will be so good--that was very civil--and honour is quite

left off now."

How comic! to run away proudly from forms and etiquettes, and

then pretend it was only to be more in the last mode. Mr.

Windham enjoyed this characteristic trait very much; and he likes

James so well that he deserved it, as well as the interview which

ensued.

"How do you do, Captain Burney?"

"My lord, I should be glad to be employed."

" You must be sensible, Captain Burney, we have many claimants

just now, and more than it is possible to satisfy immediately."

"I am very sensible of that, my lord; but, at the same time, I

wish to let your lordship know what I should like to have--a

frigate of thirty-two guns."

"I am very glad to know what you wish, sir."

He took out his pocket-book, made a memorandum, and wished James

a good morning.

Whether or not it occurred to Mr. Windham, while I told this,

that there seemed a shorter way to Lord Chatham, and one more in

his own style, I know not: he was too delicate to let such a hint

escape, and I would not for the world intrust him with my

applications and disappointments.

BURKE'S SPEECH ON THE FRENCH REVOLUTION.

But I have found," cried I afterwards, "another newspaper praise

for you now, 'Mr. Windham, with his usual vein of irony."'

"O, yes," cried he, "I saw that! But what can it mean?--I use no

'vein of irony;'--I dislike it, except for peculiar purposes,

keenly handled, and soon passed over."

" Yet this is the favourite panegyric you receive continually,--

this, or logic, always attends your name in the newspapers."

"But do I use it?"

"Nay, not to me, I own. As a manner, I never found it out, at

least. However, I am less averse now than formerly to the other

panegyric--close logic,--for I own the more frequently I come

hither the more convinced I find myself that that is no character

of commendation to be given universally."

He could say nothing to this; and really the dilatory,

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desultory style of these prosecutors in general deserved a much

deeper censure.

"If a little closeness of logic and reasoning were observed by

one I look at now, what a man would he be, and who could compare

with him!" Mr. Burke you are sure was here my object; and his

entire, though silent and unwilling, assent was obvious.

"What a speech," I continued, "has he lately made!(337) how

noble, how energetic, how enlarged throughout!"

"O," cried he, very unaffectedly, "upon the French Revolution?"

"Yes; and any party might have been proud of it, for liberality,

for feeling, for all in one--genius. I, who am only a reader of

detached speeches, have read none I have thought its equal."

"Yet, such as you have seen it, it does not do him justice. I

was not in the House that day ; but I am assured the actual

speech, as he spoke it at the moment, was highly superior to what

has since been printed. There was in it a force--there were

shades of reflection so fine--allusions so quick and so happy--

and strokes of satire and observation so pointed and so apt,--

that it had ten times more brilliancy when absolutely extempore

than when transmitted to paper."

"Wonderful, wonderful! He is a truly wonderful creature!" And,

alas, thought I, as wonderful in inconsistency as in greatness!

In the course of a discussion more detailed upon faculties, I

ventured to tell him what impression they had made upon James,

who was with me during one of the early long speeches. "I was

listening," I said, " with the most fer-

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vent attention to such strokes of eloquence as, while I heard

them, carried all before them, when my brother pulled me by the

sleeve to exclaim, 'When will he come to the point?"'

The justness, notwithstanding his characteristic conciseness, of

this criticism, I was glad thus to convey. Mr. Windham however,

would not subscribe to it; but, with a significant smile, coolly

said, "Yes, 'tis curious to hear a man of war's ideas of

rhetoric."

"Well," quoth I, to make a little amends, "shall I tell you a

compliment he paid you?"

"Me?"

"Yes. 'He speaks to the purpose,' he cried."

AN AWKWARD MEETING.

Some time after, with a sudden recollection, he eagerly

exclaimed, "O, I knew I had something I wished to tell you! I

was the other day at a place to see Stuart's Athenian

architecture, and whom do you think I met in the room?"

I could not guess.

"Nay, 'tis precisely what you will like--Mr. Hastings!"

"Indeed!" cried I, laughing; "I must own I am extremely glad to

hear it. I only wish you could both meet without either knowing

the other."

"Well, we behaved extremely well, I assure you ; and looked each

as if we had never seen one another before. I determined to let

you know it." . . .

A NEW VISIT FROM MRS. FAIRLY.

The day after the birthday I had again a visit from Mrs. Fairly.

I was in the midst of packing, and breakfasting, and confusion -

for we left town immediately, to return no more till next year,

except to St. James's for the Drawing-room. However, I made her

as welcome as I was able, and she was more soft and ingratiating

in her manners than I ever before observed her. I apologised two

or three times for not waiting upon her, representing my confined

abilities for visiting.

ONE TRAGEDY FINISHED AND ANOTHER COMMENCED.

August.-As I have only my almanac memorandums for this month, I

shall hasten immediately to what I think my dear partial

lecturers will find most to their taste in the course of it.

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Know then, fair ladies, about the middle of this August, 17 90,

the author finished the rough first draft and copy of her first

tragedy. What species of a composition it may prove she is very

unable to tell; she only knows it was an almost spontaneous work,

and soothed the melancholy of imagination for a while, though

afterwards it impressed it with a secret sensation of horror, so

like real woe, that she believes it contributed to the injury her

sleep received about this period.

Nevertheless, whether well or ill, she is pleased to have done

something at last, she had so long lived in all ways as nothing.

You will smile, however, at my next trust; but scarce was this

completed,-as to design and scenery I mean, for the whole is in

its first rough state, and legible only to herself,- scarce,

however, had this done with imagination, to be consigned over to

correction, when imagination seized upon another subject for

another tragedy.

The first therefore I have deposited in my strong-box, in all its

imperfections, to attend to the other; I well know correction may

always be summoned, Imagination never will come but by choice. I

received her, therefore, a welcome guest,--the best adapted for

softening weary solitude, where only coveted to avoid irksome

exertion.

MISS BURNEY's RESIGNATION MEMORIAL.

October.-I now drew up my memorial, or rather, showed it to my

dearest father. He so much approved it, that he told me he would

not have a comma of it altered. I will copy it for you. It is

as respectful and as grateful as I had words at command to make

it, and expressive of strong devotion and attachment; but it

fairly and firmly states that my strength is inadequate to the

duties of my charge, and, therefore, that I humbly crave

permission to resign it and retire into domestic life. It was

written in my father's name and my own. I had now that dear

father's desire to present it upon the first auspicious moment:

and O! with what a mixture of impatience and dread unspeakable

did I look forward to such an opportunity!

The war was still undecided : still I inclined to wait its issue,

as I perpetually brought in my wishes for poor James, though

without avail. Major Garth, our last equerry, was raised to a

high post in the West Indies, and the rank of colonel, I

recommended James to his notice and regard if

Page 375

they met; and a promise most readily and pleasantly made to seek

him out and present him to his brother, the general, if they ever

served in the same district, was all, I think, that my Court

residence obtained for my marine department of interest!

Meanwhile, one morning at Kew, Miss Cambridge was so much alarmed

at my declining state of health that she would take no denial to

my seeing and consulting Mr. Dundas. He ordered me the bark, and

it strengthened me so much for awhile, that I was too much

recruited for presenting my sick memorial, which I therefore cast

aside.

Mrs. Ord spent near a week at Windsor in the beginning of this

month. I was ill, however, the whole time, and suffered so much

from my official duties, that my good Mrs. Ord, day after day,

evidently lost something more and more of her partiality to my

station, from witnessing fatigues of which she had formed no

idea, and difficulties and disagreeabilities in carrying on a

week's intercourse, even with so respectable a friend, which I

believe she had thought impossible.

Two or three times she burst forth into ejaculations strongly

expressive of fears for my health and sorrow at its exhausting

calls. I could not but be relieved in my own mind that this

much-valued, most maternal friend should thus receive a

conviction beyond all powers of representation, that my place was

of a sort to require a strength foreign to my make.

She left me in great and visible uneasiness, and wrote to me

continually for bills of health, I never yet so much loved her,

for, kind as I have always found her, I never yet saw in her so

much true tenderness.

MR. WINDHAM INTERVENES.

In this month, also, I first heard of the zealous exertions and

chivalrous intentions of Mr. Windham. Charles told me they never

met without his demounting the whole thunders of his oratory

against the confinement by which he thought my health injured;

with his opinion that it must be counteracted speedily by

elopement, no other way seeming effectual.

But with Charlotte he came more home to the point. Their

vicinity in Norfolk occasions their meeting, though very seldom

at the house of Mr. Francis, who resents his prosecution of Mr.

Hastings, and never returns his visits; but at assemblies at

Aylsham and at Lord Buckingham's dinners they are certain of now

and then encountering.

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This summer, when Mr. Windham went to Felbrig, his Norfolk seat,

they soon met at an assembly, and he immediately opened upon his

disapprobation of her sister's monastic life, adding, "I do not

venture to speak thus freely upon this subject to everybody, but

to you I think I may; at least, I hope it."

Poor dear Charlotte was too full-hearted for disguise, and they

presently entered into a confidential cabal, that made her quite

disturbed and provoked when hurried away. From this time,

whenever they met, they were pretty much of a mind. "I cannot

see you," he always cried, "without recurring to that painful

subject--your sister's situation." He then broke forth in an

animated offer of his own services to induce Dr. Burney to finish

such a captivity, if he could flatter himself he might have any

influence.

Charlotte eagerly promised him the greatest, and he gave her his

promise to go to work.

O What a noble Quixote! How much I feel obliged to him! How

happy, when I may thank him!

He then pondered upon ways and means. He had already sounded my

father: "but it is resolution," he added, "not inclination, Dr.

Burney wants." After some further reflection, he then fixed upon

a plan : "I will set the Literary Club(338) upon him!" he cried:

"Miss Burney has some very true admirers there, and I am sure

they will all eagerly assist. We will present him a petition--an

address."

Much more passed: Mr. Windham expressed a degree of interest and

kindness so cordial, that Charlotte says she quite longed to

shake hands with him; and if any success ever accrues, she

certainly must do it.

Frightened, however, after she returned home, she feared our

dearest father might unfairly be overpowered, and frankly wrote

him a recital of the whole, counselling him to see Mr. Windham in

private before a meeting at the club should take place.

AN AMUSING INTERVIEW WITH MR. BOSWELL.

And now for a scene a little surprising.

The beautiful chapel of St. George, repaired and finished by the

best artists at an immense expense, which was now opened after a

very long shutting up for its preparations, brought in-

Page 377

numerable strangers to Windsor, and, among others, Mr. Boswell.

This I heard, in my way to the chapel, from Mr. Turbulent, who

overtook me, and mentioned having met Mr. Boswell at the Bishop

of Carlisle's the evening, before. He proposed bringing him to

call upon me; but this I declined, certain how little

satisfaction would be given here by the entrance of a man so

famous for compiling anecdotes. But yet I really wished to see

him again, for old acquaintance sake, and unavoidable amusement

from his oddity and good humour, as well as respect for the

object of his constant admiration, my revered Dr. Johnson. I

therefore told Mr. Turbulent I should be extremely glad to speak

with him after the service was over.

Accordingly, at the gate of the choir, Mr. Turbulent brought him

to me. We saluted With mutual glee: his comic-serious face and

manner have lost nothing of their wonted singularity nor yet have

his mind and language, as you will soon confess.

"I am extremely glad to see you indeed," he cried, "but very

sorry to see you here. My dear ma'am, why do you stay ?--it

won't do, ma'am! You must resign!--we can put up with it no

longer. I told my good host the bishop so last night; we are all

grown quite outrageous!"

Whether I laughed the most, or stared the most, I am at a loss to

say, but i hurried away from the cathedral, not to have such

treasonable declarations overheard, for We Were surrounded by a

multitude.

He accompanied me, however, not losing one moment in continuing

his exhortations: "If you do not quit, ma'am, very soon, some

violent measures, I assure you, will be taken. We shall address

Dr. Burney in a body; I am ready to make the harangue myself. We

shall fall upon him all at once."

I stopped him to inquire about Sir Joshua; he said he saw him

very often, and that his spirits were very good. I asked about

Mr. Burke's book.(339) "O," cried he "it Will come Out next

week: 'tis the first book in the World, except my own, and that's

coming out also very soon; only I want your help."

"My help?"

"Yes, madam,--you must give me some of your choice little notes

of the doctor's; we have seen him long enough upon

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stilts; I want to show him in a new light. Grave Sam, and great

Sam, and solemn Sam, and learned Sam,--all these he has appeared

over and over. Now I want to entwine a wreath of the graces

across his brow; I want to show him as gay Sam, agreeable Sam,

pleasant Sam; so you must help me with some

of his beautiful billets to yourself."

I evaded this by declaring I had not any stores at hand. He

proposed a thousand curious expedients to get at them, but I was

invincible.

Then I was hurrying on, lest I should be too late. He followed

eagerly, and again exclaimed, "But, ma'am, as I tell you, this

won't do; you must resign off hand! Why, I would farm you out

myself for double, treble the money! I wish I had the regulation

of such a farm,--yet I am no farmer-general. But I should like

to farm you, and so I will tell Dr. Burney. I mean to address

him; I have a speech ready for the first opportunity."

He then told me his " Life of Dr. Johnson " was nearly printed,

and took a proof-sheet out of his pocket to show me; with crowds

passing and repassing, knowing me well, and staring well at him:

for we were now at the iron rails of the Queen's lodge.

I stopped; I could not ask him in : I saw he expected it, and was

reduced to apologise, and tell him I must attend the queen

immediately.

He uttered again stronger and stronger exhortations for my

retreat, accompanied by expressions which I was obliged to check

in their bud. But finding he had no chance for entering, he

stopped me again at the gate, and said he would read me a part of

his work.

There was no refusing this: and he began with a letter of Dr.

Johnson's to himself. He read it in strong imitation of the

doctor's manner, very well, and not caricature. But Mrs.

Schwellenberg was at her window, a crowd was gathering to stand

round the rails, and the king and queen and royal family now

approached from the Terrace. I made a rather quick apology, and,

with a step as quick as my now weakened limbs have left in my

power, I hurried to my apartment.

You may suppose I had inquiries enough, from all around, of "Who

was the gentleman I was talking to at the rails? And an

injunction rather frank not to admit him beyond those limits.

However, I saw him again the next morning, in coming

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from early prayers, and he again renewed his remonstrances, and

his petition for my letters of Dr. Johnson. I cannot consent to

print private letters, even of a man so justly celebrated, when

addressed to myself: no, I shall hold sacred those revered and

but too scarce testimonies of the high honour his kindness

conferred upon me. One letter I have from him that is a

masterpiece of elegance and kindness united. 'Twas his last,

ILL, UNSETTLED, AND UNHAPPY.

November.-This month will be very brief of annals; I was so ill,

so unsettled, so unhappy during every day, that I kept not a

memorandum. All the short benefit I had received from the bark

was now at an end : languor, feverish nights, and restless days

were incessant. My memorial was always in my mind ; my courage

never rose to bringing it from my letter-case. Yet the war was

over, the hope of a ship for my brother demolished, and my health

required a change of life equally with my spirits and my

happiness.

The queen was all graciousness; and her favour and confidence and

smiles redoubled my difficulties. I saw she had no suspicion but

that I was hers for life ; and, unimportant as I felt myself to

her, in any comparison with those for whom I quitted her, I yet

knew not how to give her the unpleasant surprise of a resignation

for which I saw her wholly unprepared. .

It is true, my depression of spirits and extreme alteration of

person might have operated as a preface; for I saw no one, except

my royal mistress and Mrs. Schwellenberg, who noticed not the

change, or who failed to pity and question me upon my health and

my fatigues; but as they alone saw it not, or mentioned it not,

that afforded me no resource. And thus, with daily intention to

present my petition and conclude this struggle, night always

returned with the effort unmade, and the watchful morning arose

fresh to new purposes that seemed only formed for demolition.

And the month expired as it began, with a desire the most

strenuous of liberty and peace, combated by reluctance

unconquerable to give pain, displeasure, or distress to my very

gracious royal mistress.

December.-My loss of health was now so notorious, that no part of

the house could wholly avoid acknowledging it; yet was the

terrible picquet the catastrophe of every evening,

Page 380

though frequent pains in my side forced me, three or four times

in a game, to creep to my own room for hartshorn and for rest.

And so weak and faint I was become, that I was compelled to put

my head out into the air, at all hours, and in all weathers, from

time to time, to recover the power of breathing, which seemed not

seldom almost withdrawn.

Her majesty was very kind during this time, and the princesses

interested themselves about me with a sweetness very grateful to

me; indeed, the whole household showed compassion and regard, and

a general opinion that I was falling into a decline ran through

the establishment. . . . Thus there seemed about my little

person a universal commotion ; and it spread much farther,

amongst those I have never or slightly mentioned. There seemed,

indeed, but one opinion, that resignation of place or of life was

the only remaining alternative.

There seemed now no time to be lost - when I saw my dear father

he recommended to me to be speedy,, and my mother was very kind

in urgency for immediate measures. I could

not, however, summon courage to present my memorial; my heart

always failed me, from seeing the queen's entire freedom from

such an expectation: for though I was frequently so ill in her

presence that I could hardly stand, I saw she concluded me, while

life remained, inevitably hers.

A MEDICAL OPINION ON MISS BURNEY'S CONDITION.

Finding my inability unconquerable, I at length determined upon

consulting Mr. Francis. I wrote to Charlotte a faithful and

Minute account of myself', with all my attacks--cough, pain In

the side, weakness, sleeplessness, etc.,--at full length, and

begged Mr. Francis's opinion how I must proceed. Very kindly he

wrote directly to my father, exhorting instantaneous resignation,

as all that stood before me to avert some dangerous malady.

The dear Charlotte at the same time wrote to me conjuring my

prompt retreat with the most affecting earnestness.

The uneasiness that preyed upon my spirits in a task so difficult

to perform for myself, joined to my daily declension in health,

was now so apparent, that, though I could go no farther, I paved

the way for an opening, by owning to the queen that Mr. Francis

had been consulted upon my health.

The queen now frequently inquired concerning his answer;

Page 381

but as I knew he had written to my father, I deferred giving the

result till I had had a final conference with that dear parent.

I told her majesty my father Would show me the letter when I saw

him. This I saw raised for the first time a surmise that

something was in agitation, though I am certain the suspicion did

not exceed an expectation that leave would be requested for a

short absence to recruit.

My dearest father, all kindness and goodness, yet all alarm,

thought time could never be more favourable; and when next I saw

him at Chelsea, I wrote a second memorial to enclose the original

one. With a beating heart, and every pulse throbbing, I returned

thus armed to the Queen's house.

Mrs. Schwellenberg sent for me to her room. I could hardly

articulate a word to her. My agitation was so great that I was

compelled to acknowledge something very awful was impending in my

affairs, and to beg she would make no present inquiries. I had

not meant to employ her in the business, nor to name it to her,

but I was too much disturbed for concealment or evasion. She

seemed really sorry, and behaved with a humanity I had not had

much reason to expect.

I spent a terrible time till I went to the queen at night,

spiriting myself up for my task, and yet finding apprehension

gain ground every moment. Mrs. Schwellenberg had already been

some time with her majesty when I was summoned. I am sure she

had already mentioned the little she had gathered. I could

hardly perform my customary offices from excess of trepidation.

The queen looked at me with the most inquisitive solicitude.

When left with her a moment I tried vainly to make an opening: I

could not. She was too much impressed herself by my manner to

wait long. She soon inquired what answer had arrived from Mr.

Francis?

That he could not, I said, prescribe at a distance.

I hoped this would be understood, and said no more. The queen

looked much perplexed, but made no answer.

MISS BURNEY BREAKS THE MATTER TO THE QUEEN.

The next morning I was half dead with real illness,

excessive nervousness, and the struggle of what I had to force

myself to perform. The queen again was struck with my

appearance, which I believe indeed to have been shocking.

When I was alone with her, she began upon Mr. Francis with more

inquiry. I then tried to articulate that I had something of

Page 382

deep consequence to myself to lay before her majesty; but that I

was so unequal in my weakened state to speak it, that I had

ventured to commit it to Writing, and entreated Permission to

produce it.

She could hardly hear me, yet understood enough to give immediate

consent.

I then begged to know if I might present it -myself, or whether I

should give it to Mrs. Schwellenberg.

"O, to me! to me!" she cried, with kind eagerness. She added,

however, not then; as she was going to breakfast.

This done was already some relief, terrible as was all that

remained; but I now knew I must go on, and that all my fears and

horrors were powerless to stop me.

This was a Drawing-room day. I saw the king at St. James's, and

he made the most gracious inquiries about my health: so did each

of the princesses. I found they were now all aware of its

failure. The queen proposed to me to see Dr. Gisburne: the king

seconded the proposition. There was no refusing; yet, just now,

it was distressing to comply.

The next morning, Friday, when again I was alone with the queen,

she named the subject, and told me she would rather I should give

the paper to the Schwellenberg, who had been lamenting to her my

want of confidence in her, and saying I confided and told

everything to the queen. "I answered," continued her majesty,

"that you were always very good; but that, with regard to

confiding, you seemed so happy with all your family, and to live

so well together, that there was nothing to say."

I now perceived Mrs. Schwellenberg suspected some dissension at

home was the cause of my depression. I was sorry not to deliver

my memorial to the Principal person, and yet glad to have it to

do where I felt so much less compunction in giving pain.

THE MEMORIAL AND EXPLANATORY NOTE.

I now desired an audience of Mrs. Schwellenberg. With what

trembling agitation did I deliver her my paper, requesting her to

have the goodness to lay it at the feet of the queen before her

majesty left town ! We were then to set out for Windsor before

twelve o'clock. Mrs. Schwellenberg herself remained in town.

Here let me copy the memorial.

Page 383

Most humbly presented to Her Majesty.

"Madam,

"With the deepest sense of your Majesty's goodness and

condescension, amounting even to sweetness--to kindness who can

wonder I should never have been able to say what I know not how

to write--that I find my strength and health unequal to my duty?

"Satisfied that I have regularly been spared and favoured by your

Majesty's humane consideration to the utmost, I could never bring

myself to the painful confession of my secret disquietude ; but I

have long felt creeping upon me a languor, a feebleness, that

makes, at times, the most common attendance a degree of capital

pain to me, and an exertion that I could scarce have made, but

for the revived alacrity with which your Majesty's constant

graciousness has inspired me, and would still, I believe, inspire

me, even to my latest hour, while in your Majesty's immediate

presence. I kept this to myself while I thought it might wear

away,-or, at least, I only communicated it to obtain some medical

advice: but the weakness, though it comes only in fits, has of

late so much Increased, that I have hardly known how, many days,

to keep myself about--or to rise up in the morning, or to stay up

at night.

"At length, however, as my constitution itself seems slowly, yet

surely, giving way, my father became alarmed.

"I must not enter, here, upon his mortification and

disappointment: the health and preservation of his daughter could

alone be more precious to him than your Majesty's protection.

"With my own feelings upon the subject it would ill become me to

detain your Majesty, and the less, as I am fully sensible my

place, in point of its real business, may easily he far better

supplied;--In point of sincere devotion to your majesty, I do not

so readily yield. I can only, therefore, most humbly entreat

that your Majesty will deign to accept from my father and myself

the most dutiful acknowledgments for the uniform benignity so

graciously shown to me during the whole of my attendance. My

father had originally been apprehensive of my inability, with

regard to strength, for sustaining any but the indulgence of a

domestic life : but your Majesty's justice and liberality will

make every allowance for the flattered feelings of a parent's

heart, which could not endure, untried, to relinquish for his

daughter so high an honour as a personal office about your

Majesty.

Page 384

I dare not, Madam, presume to hope that Your Majesty's

condescension will reach to the smallest degree of concern at

parting with me; but permit me, Madam, humbly, earnestly, and

fervently, to solicit that I may not be deprived of the mental

benevolence of your Majesty, which so thankfully I have

experienced, and so gratefully must for ever remember.

That every blessing, every good, may light upon your Majesties

here, and await a future and happier period hereafter, will be

always amongst the first prayers of,

"Madam, your Majesty's ever devoted, ever grateful, most

attached, and most dutiful subject and servant,

"Frances Burney."

With this, though written so long ago, I only wrote an

explanatory note to accompany it, which I will also copy:--

"Madam,

"May I yet humbly presume to entreat your Majesty's patience for

a few added lines, to say that the address which I now most

respectfully lay at your Majesty's feet was drawn up two months

ago, when first I felt so extreme a weakness as to

render the smallest exertion a fatigue? While I waited, however,

for firmness to present it, I took the bark, and found myself,

for some time, so much amended, that I put it aside, and my

father, perceiving me better, lost his anxious uneasiness for my

trying a new mode of life. But the good effect has, of late, so

wholly failed, that an entire change of air and manner of living

are strongly recommended as the best chance for restoring my

shattered health. We hold it, therefore, a point of that

grateful duty we owe to your Majesty's goodness and graciousness,

to make this melancholy statement at once, rather than to stay

till absolute incapacity might disable me from offering one small

but sincere tribute of profound respect to your Majesty,--the

only one in my power--that of continuing the high honour of

attending your Majesty, till your Majesty's own choice, time, and

convenience nominate a successor."

THE KEEPER OF THE ROBES' CONSTERNATION.

Mrs. Schwellenberg took the memorial, and promised me her

services, but desired to know its contents. I begged vainly to

be excused speaking them. She persisted, and I then was

compelled to own they contained my resignation.

How aghast she looked!--how inflamed with wrath!--how

Page 385

Petrified with astonishment! It was truly a dreadful moment to

me. She expostulated on such a step, as if it led to destruction

: she offered to save me from it, as if the peace of my life

depended on averting it and she menaced me with its bad

consequences, as it life itself, removed from these walls, would

become an evil.

I plainly recapitulated the suffering state in which I had lived

for the last three months; the difficulty with which I had waded

through even the most common fatigues of the day; the constraint

of attendance, however honourable, to an invalid; and the

impracticability of pursuing such a life, when thus enfeebled,

with the smallest chance of ever recovering the health and

strength which it had demolished.

To all this she began a vehement eulogium on the superior

happiness and blessing of my lot, while under such a protection ;

and angrily exhorted me not to forfeit what I could never regain.

I then frankly begged her to forbear SO painful a discussion, and

told her that the memorial was from my father as well as

myself--that I had no right or authority to hesitate in

delivering it--that the queen herself was prepared to expect it

-and that I had promised my father not to go again to Windsor

till it was presented. I entreated her, therefore, to have the

goodness to show it at once.

This was unanswerable, and she left me with the paper in her

hand, slowly conveying it to its place of destination.

just as she was gone, I was called to Dr. Gisburne or, rather,

without being called, I found him in my room, as I returned to

it.

Think If my mind, now, wanted not medicine the most I told him,

however, my corporeal complaints and he ordered me opium and

three glasses of wine in the day, and recommended rest to me, and

an application to retire to my friends for some weeks, as freedom

from anxiety was as necessary to my restoration as freedom from

attendance.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE IS SUGGESTED.

During this consultation I was called to Mrs. Schwellenberg. Do

you think I breathed as I went along?--No! She received me,

nevertheless, with complacency and smiles; she began a laboured

panegyric of her own friendly zeal and goodness, and then said

she had a proposal to make to me, which she con-

Page 386

sidered as the most fortunate turn my affairs could take, and a,,

a proof that I should find her the best friend I had in the

world. She then premised that she had shown the paper,--that the

queen had read it, and said it was very modest, and nothing

improper.

Her proposal was, that I should have leave of absence for six

weeks, to go about and change the air, to Chelsea, and Norbury

Park, and Capitan Phillips, and Mr. Francis, and Mr. Cambrick,

which would get me quite well; and, during that time, she would

engage Mlle. Montmoulin to perform my office.

I was much disturbed at this; and though rejoiced and relieved to

understand that the queen had read my memorial without

displeasure, I was grieved to see it was not regarded as final.

I only replied I would communicate her plan to my father. Soon

after this we set out for Windsor.

Here the first presenting myself before the queen was a task the

heaviest, if possible, of any. Yet I was ill enough, heaven

knows, to carry the apology of my retreat in my countenance.

However, it was a terrible effort. I could hardly enter her

room. She spoke at once, and with infinite softness, asking me

how I did after my journey ? "Not well, indeed," I simply

answered. "But better?" she cried; "are you not a little

better?"

I only shook my head; I believe the rest of my frame shook

without my aid.

"What! not a little?--not a little bit better?" she cried, in the

most soothing voice.

"To-day, ma'am," I said, "I did indeed not expect to be better."

I then muttered something indistinctly enough, of the pain I had

suffered in what I had done: she opened, however, upon another

subject immediately, and no more was said upon this. But she was

kind, and sweet, and gentle, and all consideration with respect

to my attendance.

I wrote the proposal to my poor father, I received by return of

post, the most truly tender letter he ever wrote me. He returns

thanks for the clemency With which my melancholy memorial has

been received, and is truly sensible of the high honour shown me

In the new proposition; but he sees my health so impaired, my

strength so decayed, my whole frame so nearly demolished, that he

apprehends anything short of a permanent resignation, that would

ensure lasting rest and recruit, might prove fatal. He quotes a

letter from Mr. Francis,

Page 387

containing his opinion that I must even be speedy in my retiring

or risk the utmost danger - and he finishes a letter filled with

gratitude towards the queen and affection to his daughter, with

his decisive opinion that I cannot go on, and his prayers and

blessings on my retreat.

The term "speedy," in Mr. Francis's opinion, deterred me from

producing this letter, as it seemed indelicate and unfair to

hurry the queen, after offering her the fullest time. I

therefore waited till Mrs. Schwellenberg came to Windsor before I

made any report of my answer.

A scene almost horrible ensued, when I told Cerbera the offer was

declined. She was too much enraged for disguise, and uttered the

most furious expressions of indignant contempt at our

proceedings. I am sure she would gladly have confined us both in

the Bastille, had England such a misery, as a fit place to bring

us to ourselves, from a daring so outrageous against imperial

wishes.

(Fanny Burney to Dr. Burney)

January, 1791-......I thank heaven, there was much softness in

the manner of naming you this morning. I see no ill-will mixed

with the reluctance, which much consoles me. I do what is

possible to avoid all discussion; I see its danger still so

glaring. How could I resist, should the queen condescend to

desire, to ask, that I would yet try another year?--and another

year would but be uselessly demolishing me; for never could I

explain to her that a situation which unavoidably casts all my

leisure into the presence of Mrs. Schwellenberg must necessarily

be subversive of my health, because incompatible with my peace,

my ease, my freedom, my spirits, and my affections.

The queen is probably kept from any suspicion Of the true nature

of the case, by the praises of Mrs. Schwellenberg, who, with all

her asperity and persecution, is uncommonly partial to my

society; because, in order to relieve myself from sullen gloom,

or apparent dependency, I generally make my best exertions to

appear gay and chatty; for when I can do this, she forbears both

rudeness and imperiousness. She then, I have reason to believe,

says to the queen, as I know She does to some others, "The Bernan

bin reely agribble"; and the queen, not knowing the incitement

that forces my elaborate and painful efforts, may suppose I am

lively at heart, when she hears I am so in discourse. And there

is no developing this without giving the queen the severest

embarrassment as well as chagrin.

Page 388

I would not turn Informer for the world. Mrs. Schwellenberg too,

with all her faults, is heart and soul devoted to her roil

mistress, with the truest faith and loyalty. I hold, therefore,

silence on this subject to be a sacred duty. To return to you,

my dearest padre, is the only road that has open for my return to

strength and comfort, bodily and mental. I m inexpressibly

grateful to the queen, but I burn to be delivered from Mrs.

Schwellenberg, and I pine to be again in the arms of my padre.

A ROYAL GIFT TO THE MASTER OF THE HORSE.

What will you give me, fair ladies, for a copy of verse, written

between the Queen of Great Britain and your most small little

journalist?

The morning of the ball the queen sent for me, and said she had a

fine pair of old-fashioned gloves, white, with stiff tops and a

deep gold fringe, which she meant to send to her new master of

the horse, Lord Harcourt, who was to be at the dance, She wished

to convey them in a copy of verses, of which she had composed

three lines, but could not get on. She told me her ideas, and I

had the honour to help her in the metre and now I have the honour

to copy them from her own royal hand:--

"TO THE EARL OF HARCOURT.

"Go, happy gloves, bedeck Earl Harcourt's hand,

And let him know they come from fairy-land,

Where ancient customs still retain their reign;

To modernize them all attempts were vain.

Go, cries Queen Mab, some noble owner seek,

Who has a proper taste for the antique."

Now, no criticising, fair ladies !-the assistant was neither

allowed a pen nor a moment, but called upon to help finish, as

she might have been to hand a fan. The earl, you may suppose,

was sufficiently enchanted.

CONFERENCES WITH THE QUEEN.

April.-In the course of this month I had two conferences with my

royal mistress upon my resignation, in which I spoke with all

possible openness upon its necessity. She condescended to speak

very honourably of my dear father to me,--and, in a long

discourse upon my altered health with Mrs. de

Page 389

Luc, she still further condescended to speak most graciously of

his daughter, saying in particular, these strong words, in answer

to something kind uttered by that good friend in my favour. "O,

as to character, she is what we call in German 'true as gold'

and, in point of heart, there is not, all the world over, one

better"--and added something further upon sincerity very

forcibly. This makes me very happy.

She deigned, also, in one of these conferences, to consult with

me openly upon my successor, stating her difficulties, and making

me enumerate various requisites. It would be dangerous, she

said, to build upon meeting in England with one who would be

discreet in point of keeping off friends and acquaintances from

frequenting the palace; and she graciously implied much

commendation of my discretion, in her statement of what she

feared from a new person.

May.-As no notice whatever was taken, all this time, of my

successor, or my retirement, after very great harass of suspense,

and sundry attempts to conquer it, I had at length again a

conference with my royal mistress. She was evidently displeased

at again being called upon, but I took the courage to openly

remind her that the birthday was her majesty's own time, and that

my father conceived it to be the period of my attendance by her

especial appointment. And this was a truth which flashed its own

conviction on her recollection. She paused, and then,

assentingly, said, "Certainly." I then added, that as, after the

birthday, their majesties went to Windsor, and the early prayers

began immediately, I must needs confess I felt myself wholly

unequal to encountering the fatigue of rising for them in my

present weakened state. She was now very gracious again,

conscious all this was fair and true. She told me her own

embarrassments concerning the successor, spoke confidentially of

her reasons for not engaging an Englishwoman, and acknowledged a

person was fixed upon, though something yet remained unarranged.

She gave me, however, to understand that all would be expedited:

and foreign letters were despatched, I know, immediately.

MISS BURNEY DETERMINES ON SECLUSION.

>From Sunday, May 15 to May 22.-The trial of the poor persecuted

Mr. Hastings being now again debating and arranging for

continuance, all our house, I found, expected me now to come

forth, and my royal mistress and Mrs. Schwellenberg

Page 390

thought I should find it irresistible. indeed it nearly was so,

from my anxious interest in the approaching defence; but when I

considered the rumours likely to be raised after my retreat, by

those terrifying watchers of Court transactions who inform the

public of their conjectures, I dreaded the probable assertion

that I must needs be disgusted or discontented, for health could

not be the true motive of my resignation, since I was in public

just before it took place. I feared, too, that even those who

promoted the enterprise might reproach me with my ability to do

what I wished. These considerations determined me to run no

voluntary risks - especially as I should so ill know how to parry

Mr. Windham, should he now attack me upon a subject concerning

which he merits thanks so nobly, that I am satisfied my next

interview with him must draw them forth from me. Justice,

satisfaction in his exertions, and gratitude for their spirited

willingness, all call upon me to give him that poor return. The

danger of it, however, now, is too great to be tried, if

avoidable : and I had far rather avoid seeing him, than either

gratify myself by expressing my sense of his kindness, or

unjustly withhold from him what I think of it.

These considerations determined me upon relinquishing all public

places, and all private visits, for the present.

The trial, however, was delayed, and the Handelian Commemoration

came on. My beloved Mr. and Mrs. Locke will have told my Susan

my difficulties in this business, and I will now tell all three

how they ended.

The queen, unexpectedly, having given me a ticket, and enjoined

me to go the first day, that I might have longer time to recruit

against the king's birthday, I became, as you will have heard,

much distressed what course to pursue.

I took the first moment I was alone with her majesty to express

my father's obligation to her for not suffering me to sit up on

her own birthday, in this week, and I besought her permission to

lay before her my father's motives for hitherto wishing me to

keep quiet this spring, as well as my own, adding I was sure her

majesty would benignly wish this business to be done as peaceably

and unobserved as possible. She looked extremely earnest, and

bid me proceed.

I then briefly stated that whoever had the high honour of

belonging to their majesties were liable to comments upon all

their actions, that, if the comment was only founded in truth, we

had nothing to fear, but that, as the world was much less

Page 391

addicted to veracity, than to mischief, my father and myself had

an equal apprehension that, if I should now be seen in public so

quickly before the impending change, reports might be spread, as

soon as I went home, that it could not be for health I resigned.

She listened very attentively and graciously, and instantly,

acquiesced.

When the trial actually recommenced, the queen grew anxious for

my going to it : she condescended to intimate that my accounts of

it were the most faithful and satisfactory she received, and to

express much Ill-will to giving them up. The motives I had

mentioned, however, were not merely personal she could not but

see any comments must involve more than myself, and therefore I

abided steadily by her first agreement to my absenting myself

from all public places, and only gently joined in her regret,

which I forcibly enough felt in this instance, Without venturing

any offer of relinquishing the prudential plan previously

arranged. She gave me tickets for Charles for every day that the

hall was opened, and I collected what I could of information from

him for her satisfaction.

THE HASTINGS TRIAL RESUMED: 'THE ACCUSED MAKES HIS

DEFENCE.

Queen's House, London, June.-the opening of this month her

majesty told me that the next day Mr. Hastings was to make his

defence, and warmly added, "I would give the world you could go

to it!"

This was an expression so unusual in animation, that I instantly

told her I would write to my father, who could not possibly, in

that case, hesitate.

"Surely," she cried, "you may wrap up, so as not to catch cold

that once?"

I told her majesty that, as my father had never thought going out

would be really prejudicial to my health, he had only wished to

have his motive laid fairly before her majesty, and then to leave

it to her own command. Her majesty accepted this mode of

consent, and gave me tickets for Charles and Sarah to accompany

me, and gave leave and another ticket for Mr. de Luc to be of the

party.

Thursday, June 2.-I went once more to Westminster Hall. Charles

and Sarah came not to their time, and I left directions and

tickets, and set off with only Mr. de Luc, to secure our

Page 392

own, and keep places for them. The Hall was more crowded than on

any day since the trial commenced, except the first. Peers,

commoners, and counsel, peeresses, commoneresses, and the

numerous indefinites crowded every part, with a just and fair

curiosity to hear one day's defence, after seventy-three of

accusation.

Unfortunately I sat too high up to hear the opening, and when,

afterwards, the departure of some of my obstacles removed me

lower, I was just behind some of those unfeeling enemies who have

not even the decorum due to themselves, of appearing to listen to

what is offered against their own side. I could only make out

that this great and persecuted man upon a plan all his own, and

at a risk impossible to ascertain) was formally making his own

defence, not with retaliating declamation, but by a simple,

concise, and most interesting statement of facts, and of the

necessities accompanying them in the situation to which the House

then impeaching had five times called him. He spoke with most

gentlemanly temper of his accusers, his provocation considered,

yet with a firmness of disdain of the injustice with which he had

been treated in return for his services, that was striking and

affecting, though unadorned and manly.

His spirit, however, and the injuries which raised it, rested not

quietly upon his particular accusers: he arraigned the late

minister, Lord North, of ingratitude and double-dealing, and the

present minister, Mr. Pitt, of unjustifiably and unworthily

forbearing to Sustain him.

Here Mr. Fox, artfully enough, interrupted to say the king's

ministers were not to be arraigned for what passed in the House

of Parliament. Mr. Burke arose also' to enter his protest.

But Mr. Hastings then lost his patience and his temper: he would

not suffer the interruption; he had never, he said, interrupted

their long speeches; and when Mr. Burke again attempted to speak,

Mr. Hastings, in an impassioned but affecting manner, extended

his arms, and called out loudly, "I throw myself Upon the

protection of your lordships:--I am not used to public speaking,

and cannot answer them. what I wish to submit to your lordships

I have committed to paper; but, if I am punished for what I say,

I must insist upon being heard--I call upon you, my lords, to

protect me from this violence!"

This animated appeal prevailed; the managers were silenced by an

almost universal cry of "Hear, hear, hear!" from the

Page 393

lords; and by Lord Kenyon, who represented the chancellor, and

said, "Mr. Hastings, proceed."

The angry orators, though with a very ill grace, were then

silenced. They were little aware what a compliment this

intemperate eagerness was paying to Mr. Hastings, who for so many

long days manifested that fortitude against attack, and that

patience against abuse, which they could not muster, Without any

parallel in provocation, even for three short hours. I rejoiced

with all my heart to find Mr. Windham was not in their box. He

did not enter with them in procession, nor appear as a manager or

party concerned, further than as a member of the House of

Commons. I could not distinguish him in so large a group, and he

either saw not, or knew not, me.

The conclusion of the defence I heard better, as Mr. Hastings

spoke considerably louder from this time; the spirit of

indignation animated his manner and gave strength to his voice.

You will have seen the chief parts of his discourse In the

newspapers and you cannot, I think, but grow more and more his

friend as you peruse it. He called pathetically and solemnly for

instant judgment; but the Lords, after an adjournment decided to

hear his defence by evidence, and order, the next sessions. How

grievous such continual delay to a man past sixty, and sighing

for such a length of time for redress from a prosecution as yet

unparalleled in our annals.

When it was over, Colonel Manners came round to speak to -me and

talk over the defence. He is warmly for Mr. Hastings. He

inquired about Windsor; I should have made him stare a little had

I told him I never expected to see him there again.

MR. WINDHAM IS CONGRATULATED ON HIS SILENCE.

When he came down-stairs into the large waiting-hall, Mr. de Luc

went in search of William and chairs. Sally then immediately

discerned Mr. Windham with some ladies. He looked at me without

at first knowing me. . . . Sarah whispered me Mr. Windham was

looking harder and harder; and presently he came up to me, and in

a tone of very deep concern, and with a look that fully concurred

with 'it, he said, "Do I see Miss Burney?"

I could not but feel the extent of the interrogation, and my

assent acknowledged my comprehension.

"Indeed," he cried, "I was going to make a speech--not Very

gallant!"

Page 394

,

"But it is what I should like better," I cried, " for it is kind

if you were going to say I look miserably ill, as that is but a

necessary consequence of feeling so,--and miserably ill enough I

have felt this long time past."

He would not allow quite that, he said; but I flew from the

subject, to tell him I had been made very happy by him. HE gave

me one of his starts,--but immediately concluded it was by no

good, and therefore would not speak in inquiry.

"Why, I did not see you in the box," I cried, "and I had been

very much afraid I should have seen you there. But now my fears

are completely over, and you have made me completely happy!"

He protested, with a comic but reproachful smile, he knew not how

to be glad, if it was still only in the support of a bad cause,

and if still I really supported it. And then he added he had

gone amongst the House of Commons instead of joining the

managers, because that enabled him to give his place to a friend,

who was not a member.

"You must be sure," said I, "you would see me here to-day."

I had always threatened him with giving fairest play to the

defence, and always owned I had been most afraid Of his harangue;

therefore to find the charges end without his making it saved me

certainly a shake,--either for Mr. Hastings or himself,--for one

of them must thenceforth have fallen in my estimation. I

believe, however, this was a rather delicate point, as he made me

no answer, but a grave smile; but I am sure he instantly

understood his relinquishing his intended charge was my subject

of exultation. And, to make it plainer, I then added, "I am

really very generous to be thus made happy, considering how great

has been my curiosity."

"But, to have gratified that curiosity," cried he, "would have

been no very particular inducement with me; though I have no

right to take it for a compliment, as there are two species of

curiosity,--yours, therefore, you leave wholly ambiguous."

"O, I am content with that," cried I so long as I am gratified, I

give you leave to take it which way you please."

He murmured something I could not distinctly hear, of concern at

my continued opinion upon this subject; but I do not think, by

his manner, it much surprised him.

"You know," cried I, "why, as well as what, I feared--that fatal

candour, of which so long ago you warned me to beware.

Page 395

to the very last moment And, indeed, I was kept n alarm

for at every figure I saw start up, just now,--Mr. Fox, Mr.

Burke, Mr. Grey,--I concluded yours would be the next."

"You were prepared, then," cried he, with no little malice, "for

a voice issuing from a distant pew."(340)

Miss BURNEY MAKES HER REPORT.

When we came home I was immediately summoned to her majesty, to

whom I gave a full and fair account of all I had heard of the

defence; and it drew tears from her expressive eyes as I repeated

Mr. Hastings's own words, upon the hardship and injustice of the

treatment he had sustained.

Afterwards, at night, the king called upon me to repeat my

account and I was equally faithful, sparing nothing of what had

dropped from the persecuted defendant relative to his majesty's

ministers. I thought official accounts might be less detailed

there than against the managers, who, as open enemies, excite not

so much my "high displeasure" as the friends of government, who

so insidiously elected and panegyrised him while they wanted his

assistance, and betrayed and deserted him when he was no longer

in a capacity to serve them. Such, at least, is the light in

which the defence places them.

The king listened with much earnestness and a marked compassion.

He had already read the account sent him officially, but he was

as eager to hear all I could recollect, as if still uninformed of

what had passed. The words may be given to the eye, but the

impression they make can only be conveyed by the ear; and I came

back so eagerly interested, that my memory was not more stored

with the very words than my voice with the intonations of all

that had passed.

With regard to My bearing this sole unofficial exertion since my

illness, I can only say the fatigue I felt bore not any parallel

with that of every Drawing--room day, because I was seated.

PRINCE WILLIAM INSISTS ON THE KING'S HEALTH BEING DRUNK.

June 4.-Let me now come to the 4th, the last birthday of the

good, gracious, benevolent king I shall ever, in all human

probability, pass under his royal roof.

Page 396

The thought was affecting to me, in defiance of MY volunteer

conduct, and I could scarce speak to the queen when I first went

to her, and wished to say something upon a day So interesting.

The king was most gracious and kind when he came into the state

dressing-room at St. James's, and particularly inquired about my

health and strength, and if they would befriend me for the day.

I longed again to tell him how hard I would work them, rather

than let them, on such a day, drive me from my office; but I

found it better suited me to be quiet; It was safer not to trust

to any expression of loyalty, with a mind so full, and on a day

so critical.

At dinner Mrs. Schwellenberg presided, attired magnificently.

Miss Goldsworthy, Mrs. Stainforth, Messrs. de Luc and Stanhope

dined with us; and, while we were still eating fruit, the Duke of

Clarence entered. He was just risen from the king's table, and

waiting for his equipage to go home and prepare for the ball. To

give you an idea of the energy of his royal highness's language,

I ought to set apart a "general objection to writing, or rather

intimating, certain forcible words, and beg leave to show you, in

genuine colours, a royal sailor.

We all rose, of course, upon his entrance, and the two gentlemen

placed themselves behind their chairs while the footmen left the

room ; but he ordered us all to sit down, and called the men back

to hand about some wine. He was in exceeding high spirits and in

the utmost good humour. He placed himself at the head of the

table, next Mrs. Schwellenberg, and looked remarkably well, gay,

and full of sport and mischief, yet clever withal as well as

comical.

"Well, this is the first day I have ever dined with the king at

St. James's on his birthday. Pray, have you all drunk his

majesty's health?"

"No, your roy'l highness: your roy'l highness might make dem do

dat," said Mrs. Schwellenberg.

"O, by --- will I! Here, you (to the footman), bring champagne!

I'll drink the king's health again, if I die for it Yet, I have

done pretty well already: so has the king, I promise you! I

believe his majesty was never taken such good care of before. We

have kept his spirits up, I promise you: we have enabled him to

go through his fatigues; and I should have done more still, but

for the ball and Mary--I have promised to dance with Mary!"

Princess Mary made her first appearance at Court to-day

She looked most interesting and unaffectedly lovely - she is a

Page 397,

Sweet creature, and perhaps, in point of beauty, the first of

this truly beautiful race, of which Princess Mary may be called

pendant to the Prince of Wales.

Champagne being now brought for the duke, he ordered it all

round. When it came to me I whispered to Westerhaults to carry

it on: the duke slapped his hand violently on the table, and

called out, "O, by ----, you shall drink it!"

There was no resisting this. We all stood up, and the duke

sonorously gave the royal toast. "And now," cried he, making us

all sit down again, "where are my rascals of servants? I sha'n't

be in time for the ball; besides, I've got a deuced tailor

waiting to fix on my epaulette! Here, you, go and see for my

servants! d'ye hear? Scamper off!"

Off ran William.

"Come, let's have the king's health again. De Luc, drink it.

Here, champagne to De Luc!"

I wish you could have seen Mr. de Luc's mixed simper half

pleased, half alarmed. However, the wine came and he drank it,

the duke taking a bumper for himself at the same time."

Poor Stanhope!" cried he; "Stanhope shall have a glass too.

Here, champagne! what are you all about? Why don't YOU give

champagne to poor Stanhope?"

Mr. Stanhope, with great pleasure, complied, and the

duke again accompanied him.

"Come hither, do you hear?" cried the duke to the servants; and

on the approach, slow and submissive, of Mrs.

Stainforth's man, he hit him a violent slap on the back, calling

out, "Hang you! why don't you see for my rascals?"

Away flew the man, and then he called out to Westerhaults,

"Hark'ee! bring another glass of champagne to Mr. de Luc!"

Mr. de Luc knows these royal youths too well to venture at so

vain an experiment as disputing with them, so he only shrugged

his shoulders and drank the wine. The duke did the same.

"And now, poor Stanhope," cried the duke, "give

another glass to poor Stanhope, d'ye hear?"

"Is not your royal highness afraid," cried Mr. Stanhope,

displaying the full circle of his borrowed teeth, "I shall be apt

to be rather up in the world, as the folks say, if I tope on at

this rate?"

"Not at all! you can't get drunk in a better cause,

I'd get

Page 398

drunk myself' if it was not for the ball. Here, champagne!

another glass for the philosopher! I keep sober for Mary."

"O, your royal highness cried Mr. de Luc, gaining courage as he

drank, "you will make me quite droll Of it if you make me go

on,--quite droll!"

"So much the better! so much the better! it will do you a

monstrous deal of good. Here, another glass of- champagne for

the queen's philosopher!"

Mr. de Luc obeyed, and the duke then addressed Mrs.

Schwellenberg's George. "Here! you! you! why, where is my

carriage? run and see, do you hear?"

Off hurried George, grinning irrepressibly.

"If it was not for that deuced tailor, I would not stir. I shall

dine at the Queen's house on Monday, Miss Goldsworthy; I shall

come to dine with the princess royal. I find she does not go to

Windsor with the queen."

The queen meant to spend one day at Windsor, on account of a

review which carried the king that way.

Some talk then ensued upon the duke's new carriage, which they

all agreed to be the most beautiful that day, at court. I had

not seen it, which, to me, was some impediment against praising

it.

THE QUEEN's HEALTH.

He then said it was necessary to drink the queens health. The

gentlemen here made no demur, though Mr. de Luc arched his

eyebrows in expressive fear of consequences.

"A bumper," cried the duke, "to the queen's gentleman-usher."

They all stood up and drank the queen's health.

"Here are three of us," cried the duke, "all belonging to the

queen: the queen's philosopher, the queen's gentlemanusher, and

the queen's son; but, thank heaven, I'm the nearest!"

"Sir," cried Mr. Stanhope, a little affronted, "I am not now the

queen's gentleman-usher; I am the queen's equerry, sir."

"A glass more of champagne here! What are you all so slow for?

Where are all my rascals gone? They've put me in one passion

already this morning. Come, a glass of champagne for the queen's

gentleman-usher!" laughing heartily.

"No, sir," repeated Mr. Stanhope; "I am equerry, sir."

"And another glass to the queen's philosopher!"

Neither gentleman objected; but Mrs. Schwellenberg, who

Page 399

had sat laughing and happy all this time, now grew alarmed, and

said, "Your royal highness, I am afraid for the ball!"

"Hold your potato-jaw, my dear," cried the duke, patting her -

but, recollecting himself, he took her hand and pretty abruptly

kissed it, and then, flinging it away hastily, laughed aloud, and

called out, "There, that will make amends for anything, so now I

may say what I will. So here! a glass of champagne for the

queen's philosopher and the queen's gentleman-usher! Hang me if

it will not do them a monstrous deal of good!"

Here news was brought that the equipage was in order. He started

up, calling out, "Now, then, for my deuced tailor."

"O, your royal highness," cried Mr. de Luc, in a tone of

expostulation, "now you have made us droll, you go!"

Off! however, he went. And is it not a curious scene? All my

amaze is, how any of their heads bore such libations.

THE PROCESSION TO THE BALL-ROOM:

ABSENCE OF THE PRINCES.

In the evening I had by no means strength to encounter the

ball-room. I gave my tickets to Mrs. and Miss Douglas. Mrs.

Stainforth was dying to see the Princess Mary in her Court dress.

Mr. Stanhope offered to conduct her to a place of prospect. She

went with him. I thought this preferable to an unbroken evening

with my fair companion, and Mr. de Luc, thinking the same, we

both left Mrs. Schwellenberg to unattire, and followed. But we

were rather in a scrape by trusting to Mr. Stanhope after all

this champagne: he had carried Mrs. Stainforth to the very door

of the ball-room, and there fixed her--in a place which the king,

queen, and suite must brush past in order to enter the ball-room.

I had followed, however, and the crowds of beef-eaters, officers,

and guards that lined all the state-rooms through which we

exhibited ourselves, prevented my retreating alone. I stood,

therefore, next to Mrs. Stainforth, and saw the ceremony.

The passage was made so narrow by attendants, that they were all

forced to go one by one. First, all the king's great

state-officers, amongst whom I recognised Lord Courtown, a

treasurer of the household; Lord Salisbury carried a candle!--

'tis an odd etiquette.--These being passed, came the king--he saw

us and laughed; then the queen's master of the horse, Lord

Harcourt, who did ditto; then some more.

Page 400

The vice-chamberlain carries the queen's candle, that she may

have the arm of the lord chamberlain to lean on; accordingly,

Lord Aylesbury, receiving that honour, now preceded the queen:

she looked amazed at sight of us. The kind princesses one by one

acknowledged us. I spoke to sweet Princess Mary, wishing her

royal highness joy: she looked in a delight and an alarm nearly

equal. She was to dance her first minuet. Then followed the

ladies of the bedchamber, and Lady Harcourt was particularly

civil. Then the maids of honour, every one of whom knew and

spoke to us. I peered vainly for the Duke of Clarence, but none

of the princes passed us.(341) What a crowd brought up the rear!

I was vexed not to see the Prince of Wales.

Well, God bless the king! and many and many such days may he

know!

I was now so tired as to be eager to go back; but the queen's

philosopher, the good and most sober and temperate of men, was

really a little giddy with all his bumpers, and his eyes, which

were quite lustrous, could not fix any object steadily; while the

poor gentleman-usher--equerry, I mean--kept his Mouth so wide

open with one continued grin,-I suppose from the sparkling

beverage,--that I was every minute afraid its pearly ornaments,

which never fit their case, would have fallen at our feet. Mrs.

Stainforth gave me a significant look of making the same

observation, and, catching me fast by the arm, said, "Come, Miss

Burney, let's you and I take care of one another"; and then she

safely toddled me back to Mrs. Schwellenberg, who greeted us with

saying, "Vell! bin you Much amused? Dat Prince Villiam--oders de

Duke de Clarrence--bin raelly ver merry--oders vat you call

tipsy!"

BOSWELL's LIFE OF JOHNSON.

Mr, Turbulent had been reading, like all the rest of the world,

Boswell's "Life of Dr. Johnson," and the preference there

expressed of Mrs. Lenox to all other females had filled

Page 401

him with astonishment, as he had never even heard her name.(342)

These occasional sallies of Dr. Johnson, uttered from local

causes and circumstances, but all retailed verbatim by Mr.

Boswell, are filling all sort of readers with amaze, except the

small part to whom Dr. Johnson was known, and who, by

acquaintance with the power of the moment over his unguarded

conversation, know how little of his solid opinion was- to be

gathered from his accidental assertions.

The king, who was now also reading this work, applied to me for

explanations without end. Every night at his period he entered

the queen's dressing-room, and detained her majesty's proceedings

by a length of discourse with me upon this subject. All that

flowed from himself was constantly full of the goodness and

benevolence of his character - and I was never so happy as in the

opportunity thus graciously given me of vindicating, in instances

almost innumerable, the serious principles and various

excellences of my revered Dr. Johnson from the clouds so

frequently involving and darkening them, in narrations so little

calculated for any readers who were strangers to his intrinsic

worth, and therefore worked upon and struck by what was faulty in

his temper and manners.

I regretted not having strength to read this work to her majesty

myself. It was an honour I should else have certainly received

_; for so much wanted clearing! so little was understood!

However, the queen frequently condescended to read over passages

and anecdotes which perplexed or offended her; and there were

none I had not a fair power to soften or to justify.

THE CLOSE OF MISS BURNEY'S COURT DUTIES.

Her majesty, the day before we left Windsor, gave me to

understand my attendance Would be yet one more fortnight

Page 402

requisite, though no longer. I heard this with a fearful

presentiment I should surely never go through another fortnight

in so weak and languishing and painful a state of health.

However, I could but accede, though I fear with no very Courtly

grace. So melancholy indeed was the state of my mind, from the

weakness of my frame, that I was never alone but to form scenes

of "foreign woe," where my own disturbance did not occupy me

wholly. I began--almost whether I would or not--another tragedy!

The other three all unfinished! not one read! and one of them,

indeed, only generally sketched as to plan and character. But I

could go on With nothing; I could only suggest and invent.

The power of composition has to me indeed proved a

blessing! When incapable of all else, that, unsolicited,

unthought of, has presented itself to my solitary leisure, and

beguiled me of myself, though it has not of late regaled me with

gayer associates.

July.-I come now to write the last week of my royal residence.

The queen honoured me with the most uniform graciousness, and

though, as the time of separation approached, her cordiality

rather diminished, and traces of internal displeasure appeared

sometimes, arising from an opinion I ought rather to have

struggled on, live or die, than to quit her, yet I am sure she

saw how poor was my own chance, except by a change in the mode of

life, and at least ceased to wonder, though she could not

approve.

The king was more Courteous, more communicative, more amiable, at

very meeting: and he condescended to hold me in conversation with

him by every opportunity, and with an air of such benevolence and

goodness, that I never felt such ease and pleasure in his notice

before. He talked over all Mr. Boswell's book, and I related to

him sundry anecdotes of Dr. Johnson, all highly to his honour,

and such as I was eager to make known, He always heard me with

the utmost complacency and encouraged me to proceed in my

accounts by every mark of attention and interest.

He told me once, laughing heartily, that, having seen my name in

the index, he was eager to come to what was said of me, but which

he found so little, he was surprised and disappointed.

I ventured to assure him how much I had myself been rejoiced at

this very circumstance, and with what satisfaction had reflected

upon having very seldom met Mr. Boswell, as

I

Page 403

new there was no other security against all manner of risks in

his relations.

About this time Mr. Turbulent made me a visit at tea-time when

the gentlemen were at the Castle and the moment William left the

room he eagerly said, "Is this true, Miss Burney, that I hear?

Are we going to lose you?"

I was much surprised, but Could not deny the charge. He, very

good-naturedly, declared himself much pleased at a release which

he protested he thought necessary to my life's preservation. I

made him tell me the channel through which a business I had

guarded SO scrupulously Myself had reached him; but it Is too

full of windings for writing.

With Mr. de Luc I was already in confidence upon my resignation,

and with the knowledge of the queen, as he had received the

intelligence from Germany, whence my successor was now arriving.

I then also begged the indulgence of writing to Mr. Smelt upon

the subject, which was accorded me.

My next attack was from Miss Planta. She expressed herself in

the deepest concern at my retiring, though she not only

acknowledged its necessity, but confessed she had not thought I

could have performed my official duty even one year! She broke

from me while we talked, leaving me abruptly in a violent passion

of tears.

MISS BURNEY'S SUCCESSOR.

A PENSION FROM THE QUEEN.

I had soon the pleasure to receive Mlle. jacobi.(343) She

brought with her a young German, as her maid, who proved to be

her niece, but so poor she could not live when her aunt left

Germany! Mr. Best, a messenger of the king's, brought her to

Windsor, and Mrs. Best, his wife, accompanied him.

I was extremely pleased with Mlle. Jacobi, who is tall, well

made, and nearly handsome, and of a humour so gay, an

understanding so lively, and manners so frank and ingenuous, that

I felt an immediate regard for her, and we grew mutual good

friends. She is the daughter of a dignified clergyman of

Hanover, high in theological fame.

They all dined with me, - and, indeed, Mlle. Jacobi, wanting a

thousand informations in her new situation, which I was most

happy to give her, seldom quitted me an instant.

Tuesday morning I had a conversation, very long and very

affecting to me, with her majesty. I cannot pretend to detail

Page 404

it. I will only tell you she began by speaking of Mlle. Jacobi,

whom I had the satisfaction to praise, as far as had appeared,

very warmly and then she led me to talk at large upon the nature

and requisites and circumstances of the situation I was leaving.

I said whatever I could suggest that would tend to render my

Successor more comfortable, and had the great happiness to

represent with success the consolation and very innocent pleasure

she might reap from the society of the young relation she had

brought over, if she might be permitted to treat her at once as a

companion, and not as a servant. This was heard with the most

humane complacency, and I had leave given me to forward the plan

in various ways. She then conversed upon sundry Subjects, all of

them confidential in their nature, for near an hour; and then,

after a pause, said, "Do I owe you anything, my dear Miss

Burney?"

I acquainted her with a debt or two amounting to near seventy

pounds. She said she would settle it in the afternoon, and then

paused again, after which, with a look full of benignity, she

very expressively said, "As I don't know your plan, or what you

propose, I cannot tell what Would make you comfortable, but you

know the size of my family."

I comprehended her, and was immediately interrupting her with

assurances of my freedom from all expectation or claim; but she

stopped me, saying, "You know what you now have from me:--the

half of that I mean to continue."

Amazed and almost overpowered by a munificence I had so little

expected or thought of, I poured forth the most earnest

disclaimings of such a mark of her graciousness, declaring I knew

too well her innumerable calls to be easy in receiving it and

much more I uttered to this purpose, with the unaffected warmth

that animated me at the moment. She heard me almost silently;

but, in conclusion, Simply, yet strongly, said, "I shall

certainly do that" with a stress on the that that seemed to

kindly mean she would rather have done more.

The conference was in this stage when the Princess Elizabeth came

into the room. The queen then retired to the antechamber. My

eyes being full, and my heart not very empty, I could not then

forbear saying to her royal highness how much the goodness of the

queen had penetrated me. The sweet princess spoke feelings I

could not expect, by the immediate glistening of her soft eyes.

She condescended to express her concern At my retiring; but most

kindly added, "However,

Page 405

Miss Burney, go when you will, that you have this to comfort you,

your behaviour has been most perfectly honourable."

LEAVE-TAKINGS.

This, my last day at Windsor, was filled with nothing but

packing, leave-taking, bills-paying, and lessoning to Mlle.

Jacobi, who adhered to my side through everything, and always

with an interest that made its own way for her. All the people I

had to Settle With poured forth for my better health good wishes

without end; but amongst the most unwilling for my retreat stood

poor Mrs. Astley.(344) Indeed she quite saddened me by her

sadness, and by the recollections of that sweet and angelic being

her mistress, who had so solaced my early days at that place.

Mr. Bryant, too, came this same morning; he had an audience of

the queen: he knew nothing previously of my design. He seemed

thunderstruck. "Bless me!" he cried, in his short and simple but

expressive manner, "so I shall never see you again, never have

the honour to dine in that apartment with you more!" etc. I

would have kept him to dinner this last day, but he was not well,

and would not be persuaded. He would not, however, bid me adieu,

but promised to endeavour to see me some time at Chelsea.

I had then a little note from Miss Gomme, desiring to see me in

the garden. She had just gathered the news. I do not believe

any one Was more disposed to be sorry, if the Sight and sense of

my illness had not checked her concern. She highly approved the

step I was taking, and was most cordial and kind. Miss Planta

came to tell me she must decline dining with me, as she felt she

should cry all dinner-time, in reflecting upon its being our last

meal together at Windsor, and this might affront Mlle. Jacobi.

The queen deigned to come once more to my apartment this

afternoon. She brought me the debt. It was a most mixed feeling

with which I now saw her.

In the evening came Madame de la Fite, I need not tell you, I

imagine, that her expressions were of "la plus vife douleur,";

yet she owned she could not wonder my father should try what

another life would do for me. My dear Mrs. de Luc came next;

She, alone, knew of this while impending. She rejoiced the time

of deliverance was arrived, for she had

Page 406

often feared I should outstay my strength, and sink while the

matter was arranging. She rejoiced, however, with tears in her

kind eyes; and, indeed, I took leave of her With true regret.

It was nine o'clock before I could manage to go down the garden

to the lower Lodge, to pay my duty to the younger princesses,

whom I Could not else see at all, as they never go to town for

the Court-days. I went first up-stairs to Gomme, and had the

mortification to learn that the sweet Princess Amelia was already

gone to bed. This extremely grieved me. When or how I may see

her lovely little highness more, Heaven only knows! Miss Gomme

kindly accompanied me to Miss Goldsworthy's apartment, and

promised me a few more words before I set out the next morning.

I found Mrs. Cheveley, at whose door, and at Miss Neven, her

sister's, I had tapped and left my name, with Miss Goldsworthy

and Dr. Fisher: that pleasing and worthy man has just taken a

doctor's degree. I waited with Miss Goldsworthy till the

princesses Mary and Sophia came from the upper Lodge, which is

when the king and queen go to supper. Their royal highnesses,

were gracious even to kindness; they shook my hand again and

again, and wished me better health, and all happiness, with the

sweetest earnestness. Princess Mary repeatedly desired to see me

whenever I came to the Queen's house, and condescended to make me

as repeatedly promise that I would not fail. I was deeply

touched by their goodness, and by leaving them.

Wednesday.-In the morning Mrs. Evans, the housekeeper, came to

take leave of me; and the housemaid of my apartment, who, poor

girl, cried bitterly that I was going to give place to a

foreigner, for Mrs. Schwellenberg's severity with servants has

made all Germans feared in the house.

O, but let me first mention that, when I came from the lower

Lodge, late as it was, I determined to see my old friends the

equerries, and not quit the place without bidding them adieu. I

had never seen them since I had dared mention my designed

retreat. I told William, therefore, to watch their return from

the castle, and to give my compliments to either Colonel Gwynn or

Colonel Goldsworthy, and an invitation to my apartment.

Colonel Goldsworthy came instantly. I told him I could not think

of leaving Windsor without offering first my good

Page 407

wishes to all the household. He said that, when my intended

departure had been published, he and all the gentlemen then with

him had declared it ought to have taken place six months ago. He

was extremely courteous, and I begged him to bring to me, the

rest of his companions that were known to me.

He immediately fetched Colonel Gwynn, General Grenville, Colonel

Ramsden, and Colonel Manners. This was the then party. I told

him I sent to beg their blessing upon my departure. They were

all much pleased, apparently, that I had not made my exit without

seeing them: they all agreed on the Urgency of the measure, and

we exchanged good wishes most cordially.

My Wednesday morning's attendance upon the queen was a melancholy

office. Miss Goldsworthy as well as Miss Gomme came early to

take another farewell. I had not time to make any visits in the

town, but left commissions with Mrs. de Luc and Madame de la

Fite. Even Lady Charlotte Finch I could not Call upon, though

she had made me many kind visits since my illness. I wrote to

her, however, by Miss Gomme, to thank her, and bid her adieu.

FAREWELL TO KEW.

Thursday, July 7.-This, my last day of office, was big and busy,-

-joyful, yet affecting to me in a high degree.

In the morning, before I left Kew, I had my last interview with

Mrs. Schwellenberg. She was very kind in it, desiring to see me

whenever I could in town, during her residence at the Queen's

house, and to hear from me by letter meanwhile. She then much

Surprised me by an offer of succeeding to her own place,--when it

was vacated either by her retiring or her death. This was,

indeed, a mark of favour and confidence I had not expected. I

declined, however, to enter upon the subject, as the manner in

which she opened it made it very solemn, and, to her, very

affecting. She would take no leave of me, but wished me better

hastily, and saying we should soon meet, she hurried suddenly out

of the room. Poor woman! If her temper were not so irascible, I

really believe her heart would be by no means wanting in

kindness.

I then took leave of Mrs. Sandys, giving her a token of

remembrance in return for her constant good behaviour, and

Page 408

she showed marks of regard, and of even grief, I was sorry to

receive, as I could so little return.

But the tragedy of tragedies was parting with Goter;(345) that

poor girl did nothing but cry incessantly from the time she knew

of our separation. I was very sorry to have no place to

recommend her to, though I believe she may rather benefit by a

vacation that carries her to her excellent father and Mother, who

teach her nothing but good. I did what I could to soften the

blow, by every exertion in my power in all ways; for it was

impossible to be unmoved at her violence of sorrow.

I then took leave of Kew Palace--the same party again

accompanying me, for the last time, in a royal vehicle going by

the name of Miss Burney's coach.

THE FINAL PARTING.

I come now near the close of my Court career.

At St. James's all was graciousness; and my royal mistress gave

me to understand she would have me stay to assist at her toilet

after the Drawing-room; and much delighted me by desiring my

attendance on the Thursday fortnight, when she came again to

town. This lightened the parting in the pleasantest manner

possible. When the queen commanded me to follow her to her

closet I was, indeed, in much emotion; but I told her that, as

what had passed from Mrs. Schwellenberg in the morning had given

me to understand her majesty was fixed in her munificent

intention, notwithstanding- what I had most unaffectedly urged

against it--

"Certainly," she interrupted, "I shall certainly do it."

"Yet so little," I continued, "had I thought it right to dwell

upon such an expectation, that, in the belief your majesty would

yet take it into further consideration, I had not even written It

to my father."

"Your father," she again interrupted me, "has nothing to do with

it; it is solely from me to you."

"Let me then humbly entreat," I cried, "still in some measure to

be considered as a servant of your majesty, either as reader, or

to assist occasionally if Mlle. Jacobi should be ill."

She looked most graciously pleased, and Immediately closed in

with the proposal, saying, "When your health is restored,--

perhaps sometimes."

Page 409

I then fervently poured forth my thanks for all her goodness, and

my prayers for her felicity.

She had her handkerchief in her hand or at her eyes the whole

time. I was so much moved by her condescending kindness, that as

soon as I got out of the closet I nearly sobbed. I went to help

Mlle. Jacobi to put up the jewels, that my emotion might the less

be observed. The king then came into the room. He immediately

advanced to the window, where I stood, to speak to me. I was not

then able to comport myself steadily. I was forced to turn my

head away from him. He stood still and silent for some minutes,

waiting to see if I should turn about; but I could not recover

myself sufficiently to face him, strange as it was to do

otherwise; and Perceiving me quite overcome he walked away, and I

saw him no more. His kindness, his goodness, his benignity,

never shall I forget--never think of but with fresh gratitude and

reverential affection.

They were now all going--I took, for the last time, the cloak of

the queen, and, putting It over her shoulders, slightly ventured

to press them, earnestly, though in a low voice, saying, "God

Almighty bless your majesty!"

She turned round, and, putting her hand upon my ungloved arm,

pressed it with the greatest kindness, and said, "May you be

happy!"

She left me overwhelmed with tender gratitude.

The three eldest princesses were in the next room: they ran in to

me the moment the queen went onward. Princess Augusta and

Princess Elizabeth each took a hand, and the princess royal put

hers over them. I could speak to none of them; but they

repeated, "I wish you happy!--I wish you health!" again and

again, with the Sweetest eagerness.

They then set off for Kew.

Here, therefore, end my Court annals; after having lived in the

service of her majesty five years within ten days--from July 17,

1786, to July 7, 1791.

(333) By her "Visions" Fanny apparently means her desire of

resigning her place at Court, and her hope of her father's

concurrence.-ED.

(334) i.e., Attempts to induce him to procure for sundry

strangers some acquaintance with his daughter.-ED.

(335) The Comtesse de Bouflers-Rouvrel and, probably, her

daughter-in-law, the Comtesse Amélie de Bouflers. Madame de

Bouflers-Rouvrel was distinguished in Parisian society as a

bel-esbrit, and corresponded for many years with Rousseau. Left

a widow in 1764, she became the mistress of the Prince de Conti.

Her first visit to England was in 1763, when she was taken by

Topham Beauclerk to see Dr. Johnson. She revisited this country

at the time of the emigration, but returning to France, was

imprisoned by the Revolutionists. The fall of Robespierre (July,

1794) restored her to liberty. Am6lie de Bouflers, less

fortunate than her mother-in-law, perished by the guillotine,

June 27, 1794.-ED.

(336) But is it possible, sir, that your daughter has no

holidays?

(337) Burke's speech, delivered February 9, in a debate on the

army estimates, in which he took occasion to denounce, with great

vehemence, the principles and conduct of the French Revolution,

which he contrasted, much to its disadvantage, with the English

Revolution of 1688. "The French," he said, "had shown themselves

the ablest architects of ruin that had hitherto appeared in the

world." The sentiments uttered by Burke on this occasion

delighted the ministerialists and friends of the Court as much as

they dismayed his own party. As the debate proceeded he found

himself in the strange position of a chief of opposition enduring

the compliments of the prime minister and the attacks of Fox and

Sheridan, who took a broader and juster view of the great events

in France, though condemning equally with Burke the Excesses of

the Revolutionists. Fox declared His grief at hearing, "from the

lips of a man whom he loved and revered," Sentiments "so hostile

to the general principles of liberty." This speech of Burke's may

be said to mark the commencement of that disagreement between

himself and Fox, which culminated in the total breach of their

friendship.-ED.

(338) Dr. Burney was a member of this famous club, having been

elected in 1784. Mr. Windham had been a member since 1778.-ED.

(339) "Reflections on the Revolution in France," published

November 1, 1790. it was received by the public with avidity,

and went through eleven editions within a year-ED.

(340) An allusion to the imperious interruption of the marriage

of Cecilia, and young Delvile. See "Cecilia," book vii., ch.

7.-ED.

(341) Some weeks later Fanny has the following allusion to the

ball: "The Princess Mary chatted with me over her own adventures

on the queen's birthday, when she first appeared at Court. The

history of her dancing at the ball, and the situation of her

partner and brother, the Duke of Clarence, she spoke of with a

sweet ingenuousness and artless openness which makes her very

amiable character. And not a little did I divert her when I

related the duke's visit to our party! 'O,' cried she, 'he told

me of it himself the next morning, and said, "You may think how

far I was gone, for I kissed the Schwellenberg's hand!"'"-ED.

(342) "On the evening of Saturday May 15 [1784), he [Dr. Johnson]

was in fine spirits at our Essex Head Club. He told us, 'I dined

yesterday at Patrick's with Mrs. Carter, Miss Hannah More, and

Fanny Burney. Three such women are not to be found: I know not

where I could find a fourth, except Mrs. Lennox, who is superior

to them all.' " (Boswell.) This "occasional sally" cannot, of

course, be taken as expressing Johnson's deliberate opinion of

the relative merits of Fanny Burney and Mrs. Lenox. He was an

old friend of Charlotte Lenox, and had written in 1752 the

dedication for her "Female Quixote," a novel of singular charm

and humour, though scarcely to be placed on a par with "Evelina"

or "Cecilia."-ED.

(343) Fanny's successor in office.-ED.

344) The old servant of Mrs. Delany.-ED.

(345) Fanny's maid.-ED.

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