inability of judgment, but even these triumphs are short-lived, and he
is set down as a “pompous ass,” to use the young man’s phrase for
describing him.
It is good manners to articulate distinctly, and bad manners to neglect
to do so.
[Sidenote: Distinct articulation.]
A man need not exactly take lessons in elocution (though they would not
be amiss), but he can teach himself to pronounce clearly and use the
[Sidenote: Tones of voice.]
tone of voice that is best suited to the various occasions when he
converses. A breathy voice is extremely disagreeable. The syllables come
out enveloped in a sort of windy roar. This is owing to a wrong way of
breathing, and it can easily be cured, with advantage to the health as
well as the personality.
[Sidenote: The confidential tone.]
A very confidential tone is always used by some men when they speak to
women. If they merely “hope your gown did not get muddy” they look into
one’s eyes and murmur like any sucking dove. But if their articulation
is indistinct they are quite a nuisance. One has to ask them to repeat
themselves, and the nonsense they talk shows up very badly in an
_encore_. But when they enunciate clearly their devoted murmurings
sometimes “take” very well. It is not until a woman has seen three or
four others besides herself approached in the same afternoon or evening
with similar devout and prayer-like whispering that she begins to value
this particularity at its true worth.
[Sidenote: The word “fellow.”]
With reference to the word “fellow” a subtle distinction or two must be
drawn. In lowly circles a young man is called “a fellow”; young men
“fellows.” So it is in good society, but with a distinct difference. It
is not very easy to make this difference clear. Young men of good
position refer very commonly to others of their acquaintance as “the
fellows,” but they would not use the word to describe young men
generally. Women, young and old, of the lower classes speak of young men
generally as “fellows,” but gentlewomen never do so. A lady never uses
the expression “A girl and a fellow.” At the same time she may
frequently speak of “young fellows.” I am aware that there is a want of
clearness in all this, but it is a matter among many others that can
only be acquired by being accustomed to the usages of good society.
[Sidenote: The “Autocrat’s” test-word.]
The Autocrat of the Breakfast-table said in one of his books that if he
heard a woman pronounce the word “How,” he learned more about her in an
instant than a third person could tell him in an hour. If she called it
“haow,” she revealed herself as belonging to the uncultured classes.
In the same way, if a girl were to say “I met a fellow yesterday,” she
would unconsciously make a similar self-revelation. A young man would
make an equal mistake if he were to speak of “my sister’s fellow.” But
he would be correct enough if he were to say “the fellow my sister’s
engaged to.”
[Sidenote: “Tweedledum and tweedledee.”]
These little =nuances= of expression remind one of the old rhyme--
“Strange that such difference should be
’Twixt tweedledum and tweedledee.”
[Sidenote: Small talk alone will not suffice.]
Though small talk is as indispensable in social life as pennies and
halfpennies in the transactions of everyday existence, we must also have
conversational gold and silver at our command if we wish to be
successful. When the preliminaries of acquaintanceship are over there is
no necessity to keep up the commonplaces of small talk. To do so is
rather insulting to women.
[Sidenote: “Talking down” really an insult.]
To be “talked down to” is always aggravating, especially when one feels
a conviction that the person who is thus affably stooping for one’s
benefit belongs in reality to a lower intellectual plane than one’s own.
[Sidenote: Yet polish alone often succeeds.]
At the same time, many young men “with nothing in them” are socially
successful, being possessed of those superficial qualities and that
outward polish which are, for the purposes of everyday intercourse, more
useful than abysmal personal depths. Was it Goethe or Schiller who said
that for domestic utility a farthing candle is more useful than all the
stars of heaven?
A light playfulness of fancy, combined with the gentleness that
carefully avoids wounding even the smallest, is a high recommendation in
society; but to be for ever laughing is wearisome in the extreme to the
spectators.
I make no apology for quoting here the following passages from “Mr.
Brown’s Letters to a Young Man About Town” from a _Punch_ of 1849. “Mr.
Brown” was Thackeray, I believe.
[Sidenote: “Mr. Brown’s” advice.]
He says:--
“I beseech and implore you to make a point of being intimate with one or
two families where you can see kind and well-bred English ladies. I have
seen women of all nations in the world, but I never saw the equals of
English women (meaning, of course, to include our cousins the
MacWhirters of Glasgow and the O’Tooles of Cork); and I pray sincerely,
my boy, that you may always have a woman for a friend.”
* * * * *
“It is better for you to pass an evening once or twice a week in a
lady’s drawing-room, even though the conversation is rather slow and you
know the girl’s songs by heart, than in a club, tavern, or smoking-room,
or pit of a theatre.”
* * * * *
“Remember, if a house is pleasant, and you like to remain in it, that to
be well with the women of the house is the great, the vital point. If it
is a good house, don’t turn up your nose because you are only asked to
come in the evening, while others are invited to dine. Recollect the
debts of dinners which an hospitable family has to pay; who are you
that you should always be expecting to nestle under the mahogany?
Agreeable acquaintances are made just as well in the drawing-room as in
the dining-room. Go to tea brisk and good-humoured. Be determined to be
pleased. Talk to a dowager. Take a hand at whist. If you are musical,
and know a song, sing it like a man. Never sulk about dancing, but off
with you. You will find your acquaintance enlarge. Mothers, pleased with
your good humour, will probably ask you to Pocklington Square, to a
little party. You will get on--you will form yourself a circle. You may
marry a rich girl, or, at any rate, get the chance of seeing a number of
the kind and the pretty.”
* * * * *
“The dressing, the clean gloves, and cab-hire, are nuisances, I grant
you. The idea of the party itself is a bore, but you must go. When you
are at the party, it is not so stupid; there is always something
pleasant for the eye and attention of an observant man.”
_IN CHURCH._
[Sidenote: On arriving late at church.]
I know a young man who makes it a practice to arrive late in church
every Sunday. I often wish that he did not go to my church, for he makes
me cordially despise him, thus disturbing the calm and quiet of the
proper frame of mind for Sundays. I conclude that he likes to be looked
at, though why he should do so is not apparent. It is, in fact, not only
rude, but irreverent, to be late in church for the beginning of the
service. If one should be accidentally late, it is good manners to wait
till the congregation rises from the kneeling posture before making
one’s way to a seat. It is almost an awful thing to interrupt a prayer.
But I have seen people do it with no more scruple than if they were
passing in a crowded street.
[Sidenote: On the space one may occupy.]
Eighteen inches are the measurement of space allowed to each sitter in
the churches. In some it may be more; in others it may be less. But I
have reason to believe that this is the average. Now, if any man of
extra size should find himself in a pew with other persons, he must, in
common courtesy, keep himself as well within the limits of eighteen
inches as the width of his shoulders will allow. But I have occasionally
seen quite slim young men sprawl far beyond the frontier lines.
[Sidenote: Lounging.]
Lounging is a habit of the day, and there are men who get themselves
into marvellously corkscrew attitudes, in church as elsewhere.
[Sidenote: Fidgety men.]
Fidgety men are more so in church than anywhere else. They seem to find
it impossible to keep still. Sometimes they even produce a cough
wherewith to amuse themselves, though they are not troubled with it at
any other time. The charm of a reposeful manner is denied to them.
Reverence for the sacred place conduces to a quiet manner; but this is
not always felt by those who attend public worship.
[Sidenote: The conventional idea of church attendance.]
The conventional idea seems to be that such assemblies are merely phases
of social life; that it is respectable to be seen there; and that the
service and the sermon are things to be worried through in deference to
a prevalent idea that they form part of an institution that is generally
regarded as excellent.
[Sidenote: The true light to regard the services in.]
The small minority are those who regard church services in their true
light as lifting the thoughts above earthly things, and yet by no means
unfitting them for earth. Where, for instance, could a better law of
good manners be found than in the Book of Books? A glance at the end of
the fourth chapter of Ephesians will show a code of conduct that, if
followed, would make a man a perfect member of society.
_CORRESPONDENCE._
[Sidenote: Replying to letters.]
It is impolite to leave letters unanswered for several days, especially
if the writers are ladies, or, if men, superior in age or station. Notes
of invitation should be replied to within twenty-four hours.
[Sidenote: Writing materials.]
Plain white cream-laid notepaper and envelopes should be used, the
latter either square or wallet-shaped, but never of the oblong, narrow
shape peculiar to business correspondence. The address on the notepaper
should be embossed or printed in simple characters, over-ornament being
in the worst taste. If the writer is entitled to use a crest, it should
be produced as simply as possible, with or without the family motto, and
free from the glow of varied colour in which some men and women delight.
There are letters whose devices in scarlet and gold are strangely in
contrast with the meagre and disappointing character of their contents.
They make one think of fried sprats served up on a gold entrée dish.
The writing should be clear, neat and legible, the ink black.
[Sidenote: The addressee’s name.]
In beginning a letter with “Sir” or “Madam,” the omission of the name is
remedied by inscribing it in the left-hand corner at the bottom of the
note. In commercial correspondence it seems to be the rule to put the
name of the addressee just above “Dear Sir” or “Madam.”
[Sidenote: Enclosing reply envelopes.]
Should it be advisable to enclose in any letter an envelope for a reply,
ready addressed, it is not good form to put “Esq.” after one’s own name
in addressing it.
[Sidenote: Addressing married women.]
Married women and widows are not addressed by their own Christian names,
but by those of their husbands. For instance, no one versed in social
forms would write “Mrs. Mary Smith,” but “Mrs. John Smith.” Widows of
titled men have their Christian name put before their surname, thus,
“Laura Lady Ledding,” “Maria Marchioness of Adesbury,” “Georgina
Viscountess Medway,” “Mary Duchess of Blankton.” The unmarried daughters
of dukes, marquises, and earls have their Christian name invariably
inserted between their courtesy title and surname, as: “Lady Mary
Baker.” When married they retain this form, only substituting the
husband’s surname for their own, as “Lady Mary Garth.” But if their
husband should be a peer, they merge their courtesy title in his.
[Sidenote: Use of the third person.]
The third person in correspondence is falling considerably into disuse,
and “presenting compliments” is almost obsolete. Invitations of a formal
kind, and their replies, are couched in the third person, but for
purposes of correspondence with strangers it is almost always better to
use the first person. The exception is in replying to a letter written
in the third person, when it is in better taste to reply in the same
way. The third person is also used in writing to tradespeople: “Mr.
Edlicott will feel obliged if Mr. Jones will kindly call on Thursday
morning with reference to some repairs.” In this case the reply would be
written in the first person.
[Sidenote: Letters of introduction.]
Letters of introduction, says La Fontaine, “are drafts that must be
cashed at sight.” They are sometimes difficult to write, especially if
they have been asked for, not volunteered. They are always left
unsealed, but should there be circumstances about the person introduced
which the other party should know, it is well to communicate them in a
private letter, which should be despatched so as to arrive before the
letter of introduction is presented. Any one receiving a letter of
introduction would immediately take steps to show some attention to the
individual introduced. The usual thing is to ask him to dinner, if he is
a social equal; to offer his services, if he should be a superior; and
to ascertain in what way one can be useful to him, if he is an inferior.
[Sidenote: A call must precede invitations.]
A personal call must precede all invitations. This is a fixed and rigid
rule, the exception being in the case of persons presenting their own
letters of introduction, as is usually done. But should the person to
whom they are addressed be out, the formal call must follow.
[Sidenote: Styles of address at the beginning of a letter.]
All ladies, from the Queen downwards, are addressed in beginning a
letter as “Madam”; all gentlemen, from the highest to the lowest, as
“Sir.” Tradesmen, however, begin “Your Royal Highness,” “Your Grace,” or
“Your Ladyship,” in writing to their titled employers. They also address
their letters quite differently, as will be seen from the following
instructions:--
ADDRESSES OF LETTERS.
Her Majesty the Queen.
To His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales.
To Her Royal Highness the Princess of Wales.
This same form is used in addressing communications to all other members
of the Royal Family, adding the title where the word “Prince” or
“Princess” would be incorrect, as:--
To His Royal Highness the Duke of York.
To Her Royal Highness the Duchess of York.
Below the rank of royalty there is the distinction between letters
addressed by persons on an equality with those to whom formal and they
write, and by inferiors.
[Sidenote: Address for the envelope--formal and informal.]
I shall call them formal and informal, and range them in separate lines.
_Informal._ _Formal._
The Duke of ---- To His Grace the
Duke of ----
The Duchess of ---- To Her Grace the
Duchess of ----
The Marquis of ---- To the Most Honourable
the Marquis of ----
The Marchioness of ---- To the Most Honourable
the Marchioness of ----
The Earl of ---- To the Right Honourable
the Earl of ----
The Countess of ---- To the Right Honourable
the Countess of ----
The Viscount ---- The Right Honourable
the Viscount ----
The Viscountess ---- The Right Honourable
the Viscountess ----
Lord ---- The Right Honourable
Lord ---- or Baron ----
Lady ---- The Right Honourable
Lady ---- or Baroness----
[Sidenote: Addressing Privy Councillors.]
Members of the Privy Council are also addressed as “Right Honourable,”
in the same way as Peers. In this case the names of commoners are not
followed by the abbreviation “Esq.,” as:--
The Right Honourable James Balfour, M.P.
[Sidenote: Ambassadors.]
Ambassadors and their wives are addressed as “His Excellency,” “Her
Excellency,” the personal and official titles following the word, as:--
To His Excellency the Earl of----, Ambassador Extraordinary and
Plenipotentiary to France.
To Her Excellency the Countess of----.
Other official personages are addressed in the following way:--
To His Excellency Lord Blank, Lord Lieutenant of Ireland.
To His Grace the Archbishop of----.
The Right Reverend the Bishop of----.
The Very Reverend the Dean of----.
[Sidenote: Degrees.]
Academical distinctions are indicated by the initials placed after the
name--LL.D. for Doctor of Laws and Learning, D.D. for Doctor of Divinity
and so on.
[Sidenote: Beginning the letter.]
So much for the envelopes. The proper way to begin letters is as
follows. As I have mentioned, the Queen is addressed as “Madam” in the
inside of a letter. A gentleman writing
[Sidenote: To the Queen.]
to the Queen would sign himself, “I have the honour to submit myself,
with profound respect, Your Majesty’s most devoted subject and servant.”
Above the word “Madam” should be written “Her Majesty the Queen.” Lord
Beaconsfield struck out a line of his own and in writing to the Queen
began, “Mr. Disraeli,” continuing in the third person and addressing Her
Majesty in the second.
[Sidenote: To the Prince and Princess of Wales.]
The Prince of Wales is addressed as “Sir,” above this word being written
“To His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales.” Persons on intimate terms
sometimes begin “Sir” or “Dear Prince,” others “My dear Prince.” The
Princess of Wales is occasionally addressed by friends as “My dear
Princess.” The two orthodox endings to such letters are respectively
“Your Royal Highness’s dutiful and obedient servant,” or (a humbler
style) “Your Royal Highness’s dutiful and most obedient servant.” To all
other Royal Princes and Princesses the ending would be “Most Humble and
Obedient Servant.”
[Sidenote: To a Duke and Duchess.]
Dukes other than royal are addressed inside letters by intimates as
“Dear Duke,” by others “My Lord Duke, may it please your Grace.” In
writing to a Duchess her title is placed above the “Madam.” In formal
letters Marquises would be addressed as “My Lord Marquis.”
[Sidenote: On omitting christian names from courtesy titles.]
A very common form of mistake is that of omitting the Christian name
from the courtesy titles of the sons and daughters of dukes, marquises,
and earls. The sons have the title “Lord” prefixed to the Christian and
surname: for instance, “Lord Alfred Osborne,” “Lord Henry Somerset.” It
is extremely incorrect to call either of these “Lord Osborne” or “Lord
Somerset.” The daughters of dukes, marquises and earls have the title
“Lady” before their Christian and surname; “Lady Emily Heneage,” for
instance, must not be addressed as “Lady Heneage.” Should she marry a
commoner only the surname is altered, the “Lady Emily” remains. This may
all appear a little involved to those unaccustomed to titles, but
neglect of these forms indicates very clearly a lack of _savoir faire_.
It is a source of great annoyance to the owners of courtesy titles to
have the Christian name omitted. Anybody, even a knight’s wife, may be a
“Lady Smith” or “Jones”; the insertion of the Christian name before the
“Smith” or “Jones” means that the possessor is the daughter of a duke,
marquis, or earl.
[Sidenote: Beginning a letter to the above.]
In beginning a letter to any of the above a stranger would say “Dear
Lady Mary Smith,” but the usual form would be “Dear Lady Mary.”
Inferiors would begin by writing the lady’s title over the word “Madam,”
or merely beginning “Madam” and writing the title at the end of the
letter.
[Sidenote: To an ambassador with conclusion.]
In writing to an ambassador or his wife the title is placed above the
word “Sir” or “Madam.” Inferiors would write “May it please your
Excellency,” and would conclude with “I have the honour to be Your
Excellency’s most humble, obedient servant.”
[Sidenote: An archbishop.]
In writing to an archbishop a correspondent would begin “Your Grace,”
ending, “I remain Your Grace’s most obedient servant.”
[Sidenote: A bishop.]
To a bishop the form would be, “My Lord,” or “Right Reverend Sir,” or
“May it please Your Lordship,” the last being, of course, the humblest
form of address. The conclusion would be, I remain, “My Lord” (or “Right
Reverend Sir”) “Your most obedient servant.”
[Sidenote: A dean.]
The beginning of a letter to a dean would be, “Reverend Sir” or “Mr.
Dean,” the title of all these dignitaries being, in formal letters,
indited above the beginning. Those having slight acquaintance would
begin, “Dear Mr. Dean.” Strangers would end the letter, “I have the
honour to be Your most obedient servant.”
[Sidenote: Doctors of Divinity.]
Doctors of divinity are addressed as “Reverend Sir,” as well as
archdeacons and all other clergy.
Intimates would begin letters to the above with: “Dear Archbishop,”
“Dear Bishop,” “Dear Dean,” or “Dear Doctor.”
[Sidenote: Officers in the army.]
With the sole exception of lieutenants in the army, all officers have
their military rank prefixed to their name. Ensigns and lieutenants are
addressed as “Esq.”
[Sidenote: And navy.]
In the navy admirals of the flag--white, blue, or red--are addressed as
“The Honourable,” this being prefixed to the name. Otherwise a letter
would begin “Sir,” and end, “I remain, Sir, Your obedient servant.”
Commodores, captains, and lieutenants in the navy are all addressed in
the same way.
_PERSONAL SPEECH WITH ROYALTY AND RANK._
[Sidenote: Addressing the Queen in person.]
It is sometimes difficult to know how to address personally people of
high rank. The Queen is addressed as “Ma’am” by those immediately
surrounding her person and by princesses, duchesses, and others who are
on terms that may be described as those of acquaintanceship with her
Majesty. All others would speak to her as “Your Majesty.”
[Sidenote: The Princess of Wales.]
The Princess of Wales and all other princesses are in the same way
addressed as “Ma’am,” or “Your Royal Highness,” according to the
position of the person speaking to them.
[Sidenote: The Prince of Wales and royal dukes.]
The Prince of Wales, with all other royal dukes and princes, is
addressed as “Sir,” or “Your Royal Highness”; the Duke of Teck as “Your
Serene Highness,” as well as many foreign princes. Equals would address
all these as “Prince.”
[Sidenote: Formal and informal modes of addressing nobility in person.]
The following list will show the correct modes of addressing the
nobility informally and formally, in conversation, the first being the
custom among acquaintances, the latter by all others:--
_Rank._ _Informal._ _Formal._
Duke Duke. Your Grace.
Duchess Duchess. Your Grace.
Marquis Lord A. My Lord,
or
Your Lordship.
Marchioness Lady A. My Lady,
or
Your Ladyship.
Earl Lord B. My Lord,
or
Your Lordship.
Countess Lady B. My Lady,
or
Your Ladyship.
Viscount Lord C. My Lord,
or
Your Lordship.
Viscountess Lady C. My Lady,
or
Your Ladyship.
Baron Lord D. My Lord,
or
Your Lordship.
Baroness Lady D. My Lady,
or
Your Ladyship.
It is one of the rules of etiquette that, in speaking with royal
persons, the inferior leaves it to them to originate subjects of
conversation, and never introduces any topic of his own.
[Sidenote: Letters of condolence.]
Letters of condolence are among the most difficult forms of composition.
They are almost equally trying to read and to write. The best rule to be
given for these is to make them as brief as possible. If “brevity is the
soul of wit,” it is also, in such cases, the very heart of sympathy. A
very usual fault committed is to begin by dilating upon the shock or
grief felt by the writer. The absurdity of this becomes apparent when
one compares mentally the shock or grief as felt by the recipient. Two
lines conveying the expression of sympathy are better than pages of even
the most eloquent composition. Mourners require all their fortitude at
times of loss, and anything likely to impair their self-command is the
reverse of a kindness.
[Sidenote: Memoriam cards.]
On hearing or reading of the death of an acquaintance or friend, an
expression of sympathy should at once be sent off. It used to be the
custom to wait for the memoriam cards sent out by the family, but this,
if it was ever the custom in the best society, has now long ceased to be
so. Memoriam cards are only used in humble circles. At the same time,
one needs to be very careful as to the accuracy of one’s information
before sending off a letter of condolence. Similarity of name is apt to
lead to awkward mistakes.
[Sidenote: The inquiry call.]