in drinking nothing but water. The days are gone when a man was thought
a milksop because he could not “drink his bottle,” or if he refused wine
or spirits. Should any young man prefer water, he asks for it when the
servants offer him wine. He is then offered Apollinaris or distilled
water or soda-water, or some other preparation of filtered and distilled
water, and may choose some of these in preference to plain water.
[Sidenote: “One wine” diners.]
Claret is the favourite dessert wine of the day, but port is still seen
at some tables, and it is usual to offer champagne, as many prefer to
drink only one kind of wine throughout the meal, from start to finish.
In fact, this is becoming quite a fashion in some sets.
[Sidenote: Cigars and cigarettes.]
The host provides cigars and cigarettes for his guests, and it would not
be necessary or advisable to produce one’s own supply.
[Sidenote: When the ladies leave the dining-room.]
When the ladies rise to leave the dining-room, the gentleman nearest the
door opens the door for them, and stands beside it until they have all
passed through, when he closes it after them. However anxious he may be
to join them in the drawing-room, he must not do so until the others
make a move. Sometimes, if he is very young and rather “out of it” when
politics or sport are under discussion, his host says to him, “I’m
afraid you are bored. If you would like to join the ladies, don’t stand
on ceremony.” But on the other hand he may dread the ordeal of entering
the drawing-room alone, and feel that the safer way is to wait for a
convoy. This he must decide for himself.
[Sidenote: A hint from the host.]
Perhaps his host may wish to talk confidentially with some other guest.
If he makes this apparent to the younger man, the latter must accept any
such intimation as the above, understanding it to be a courteous mode of
dismissing him.
[Sidenote: The ordinary rule when rejoining the ladies.]
The ordinary rule is that the gentlemen join the ladies all together,
the man of highest position leaving the dining-room first, the host
last. Tea is then carried round in the drawing-room, and the gentlemen
take the empty cups from the ladies and put them down in some safe
place, out of the way of risk of accident.
[Sidenote: When a lady sings or plays.]
Should any lady sing or play, the gentleman nearest to her escorts her
to the piano and helps her to arrange her music, to dispose of her
gloves, fan, handkerchief, &c.
[Sidenote: Leaving early.]
It is scarcely etiquette for young men to leave first after a
dinner-party. It is more usual for the elders of the party to make the
first move towards departure. But should the young man have an
engagement of a pressing kind, such as a promise to escort ladies to a
ball, he must withdraw in good time, explaining the position to his
hostess.
No one leaves after a dinner-party without saying “Good-night” to his
host and hostess. Even in the case of an early departure, before the
gentlemen have left the dining-room, the guest must visit the
drawing-room to make his adieux, not only to the lady of the house, but
to any others who may be of his acquaintance. Those whom he has met for
the first time that evening may be saluted with a parting bow.
At a formal dinner-party the evening suit is imperative, with
dress-coat, white or black waistcoat, black trousers, and white tie.
When dining with friends with whom one is on terms of familiarity, the
dinner-jacket may be substituted for the coat. Black ties often take the
place of white. Patent-leather shoes or boots must be worn. It would be
unpardonable to appear in thick walking-boots or shoes; and the
necessity for immaculately polished footgear has cost the young man of
the present day many a cab. His varnished shoes must show no trace of
mud or dust. To tell the truth, he often carries a silk handkerchief in
his pocket wherewith to obliterate the traces of the latter.
The pocket-handkerchief used with evening dress must be of white
cambric, and of as good a colour as one’s washerwoman will permit. It
ought to be of fine quality. The hair must be short and very well
brushed.
It used to be the custom to tip the servants on leaving the house where
one had dined as a guest, but this has fallen into disuse. There are
many men who hand a silver coin to the butler, or footman, or
waiting-maid who helps them into their coats, calls up their carriage,
or hails a cab for them, seeing them into it, or rendering any other
service of a similar kind. This is a matter that each man must decide
for himself. It is only necessary to remark that the custom of giving
shillings or half-crowns to the servants after a dinner-party no longer
reigns; though there are always good-natured folk who will not let it
absolutely die out.
_PUBLIC DINNERS._
The following information is supplied by a gentleman well-known in the
City, and thoroughly _au fait_ in such matters.
[Sidenote: Public dinners.]
“Public dinners may be classed as those given by associations, or public
bodies, and those given by institutions, such as some of the great City
companies.
[Sidenote: When given by an association.]
When given by an association, the function is generally managed by a
committee, who have the arrangement of all the details, such as choosing
the menu, the wines, preparing the programme of music, instrumental or
vocal, and arranging the due sequence of the speeches.
[Sidenote: On arrival.]
A guest invited to such an entertainment who may not be of the few
highly placed personages who sit at the cross-table or on the daïs, and
from whom speeches are expected, will, on arriving at the hall, hotel,
or public institution selected, find that the first thing required of
him will be his invitation card. In exchange for this he will be handed
a more or less elaborate menu card, which will also contain the list of
music and a sketch showing the positions of the guests’ seats at the
tables.
[Sidenote: Saluting the hosts.]
After depositing his hat and overcoat in the cloak-room, receiving a
numbered ticket for them, he enters the reception-or drawing-room, his
name is announced, and he passes into the room, goes up to the members
of the committee, who stand by themselves to receive the guests, bows or
shakes hands, and passes on to join the other guests who are either
sitting or standing in groups engaged in conversation.
[Sidenote: When dinner is announced.]
When dinner is announced the hosts and the highest in rank of the guests
file into the dining-room and take up their position by their chairs,
followed by the rest; any clergyman present says grace on being asked to
do so, and the banquet commences.
[Sidenote: The order of the ceremony.]
Strangers sitting next to each other soon fall into conversation, and
after the dispatch of the solid portion of the repast come the speeches.
Music is played at intervals, perhaps a few songs sung by professionals,
then dessert, cigars, and coffee, after which the guests find their way
to the drawing-room for more general conversation, some preferring to
leave without re-entering the drawing-room. In such large gatherings it
is not necessary to take leave of their hosts, as a rule.
[Sidenote: Dinners given by City Companies.]
“Dinners given by City companies are very much on the same principle.
The guest has but to don his evening clothes and carry himself with easy
composure, not always quite a simple matter to the inexperienced, if one
may judge from the hurried steps and the sudden bob that many give on
entering the reception-room after arrival.”
[Sidenote: Dinners for charities.]
At dinners given on behalf of charities, it is well to go prepared with
a subscription, as a collection is often made on these occasions. If not
prepared to subscribe, it is more discreet to stay away.
[Sidenote: On tips.]
With regard to tips the only ones really recognised are those for which
the plates on the cloak-room table are laid ready in expectation of
small silver coins. Though no fees are actually necessary at table, the
initiated person is well aware that the man behind his chair can
administer to his wants and see that he is liberally provided with
viands and wines or other matters without keeping him waiting longer
than necessary. A tip, quietly conveyed before the dinner is under way,
is not by any means wasted.
It sometimes happens that semi-official dinners are given at private
houses, when proprietors of
[Sidenote: Semi-official dinners at private houses.]
newspapers or wealthy men interested in certain undertakings, entertain
the staff of those employed. In such circumstances it may be as well to
warn the guests against addressing the footmen as “waiter.” This may
appear to be superfluous advice, but I have myself been present when the
mistake was made, evidently to the intense indignation of the
magnificent being thus addressed.
At such dinners as these, the host treats his guests as his social
equals for the nonce. By having invited them to his house he places
himself in the position of regarding them as he would his own friends at
his dinner-table. Any infraction of this would be in the worst taste. It
is also usual to abstain from any business talk at such times as these,
the conversation being encouraged to dwell on general topics.
Though the fiction of social equality is maintained by the host, the
guests need not adopt a familiar, free-and-easy manner in response. True
manliness involves sufficient self-respect to preserve the possessor
from falling into this error; but it is, perhaps, a little difficult for
the novice, on such occasions, to bear himself in such wise as to avoid
undue familiarity on one hand and an air of stiffness and
standoffishness on the other. In his anxiety not to appear to presume
upon the friendliness of his host’s manner, he is apt to wear a rather
repellent air. And this is more particularly so when the _employé_ is by
birth the equal, if not the superior, of his entertainer. It often
happens that a man at the head of a great business has risen from
obscure beginnings to the command of wealth and a high position in the
world, enjoying a title and many of the extraneous advantages of rank.
Among those whom he employs may be several who are his social superiors
in all but wealth; but any of them who imagine that this fact gives them
any claim upon his consideration or entitles them to converse with him
upon a footing of equality, make a radical mistake. Their position, as
regards their employer, is exactly that justified by their standing in
his firm. The true gentleman is well aware of this, and would never
dream of asserting himself in any way on the strength of being well-born
or highly educated. He leaves all that kind of thing to the man who
feels his claim to gentlemanhood to be so shadowy and insecure as to
need constant insistance.
Besides, the host is usually the elder, and deference to seniority is an
important part of good manners, and sits extremely well upon the young.
_AT A RESTAURANT._
[Sidenote: Should ladies request refreshment.]
When accompanying ladies who express a wish for refreshment, it is not
necessary to select a very expensive restaurant or confectioner’s. One
suitable to the social status of the party should be chosen.
[Sidenote: The man pays.]
The young man must pay for what his companions eat and drink, and very
often this is a most embarrassing matter. He may have enough money in
his pocket to defray the bill, and he may not.
[Sidenote: Though he cannot afford it.]
In any case, he is often unable to afford it, but the probabilities are
that if he has the wherewithal about him, he will pay in order to
extricate himself from an awkward predicament, even though he may
consequently be crippled financially for some days to come. If he has
only two or three shillings in his pocket, he feels extremely
uncomfortable.
[Sidenote: No well-bred woman would make the request.]
No well-bred woman or girl would ever place an acquaintance on the horns
of such a dilemma. But unfortunately there are many girls and women who
are lacking in taste and refinement, and who would regard it as an
excellent joke to play such a trick upon a “fellow,” as they would
probably call him, and enjoy his discomfort.
[Sidenote: The best course to adopt.]
The best thing to do in such a case is to be perfectly frank and open.
“I’m extremely sorry, but I have not sufficient cash with me for the
purpose.” It is very disagreeable to have to say so, but it is less
mortifying than to have to acknowledge it to the waiter at the
restaurant. A young man told me that he had once, in such a case, to
leave the table on pretence of speaking to the proprietor and fly round
to a pawnbroker’s to pledge his watch.
[Sidenote: A well-bred girl would bear her own expenses.]
A really well-bred girl or woman would make it clear that she intended
to pay for her own meal, and that only on that condition would she
accept the escort of the young man.
[Sidenote: On taking advantage of a man’s generosity.]
Sometimes after a run on a bicycle or a hot walk, a young man will say
to his sister and her friend, “Come in and have an ice.” If the friend
is one of the unscrupulous sort, she will very probably run him into
what, for him, is a considerable expense. He must pay it, however, and
the worst of it is that he cannot sit there and let her eat all by
herself. Even his sister, should she be present, must in good manners
join in to a certain extent. Otherwise the implied reproof would be too
obvious for good breeding.
_AT LUNCH._
Luncheon is a comparatively informal meal.
[Sidenote: Going down to luncheon.]
The guests do not pair off, as at dinner, but on the meal being
announced the host, if there be one, would open the door for the ladies,
who would go downstairs, followed by the hostess, the gentlemen behind
her.
[Sidenote: In the absence of the host.]
Very often the master of the house is absent at luncheon, in which case
the hostess would rise, and, addressing her principal guest, would
propose to her to lead the way downstairs. “Shall we go down to lunch,
Mrs. So-and-so?” would be sufficient. The other ladies would probably be
sufficiently versed in the laws of society to refrain from preceding
those of higher position, and the hostess would always be the last lady
to leave the drawing-room.
[Sidenote: Positions at table.]
The guests sit down where they please, the host or hostess sometimes
making a suggestion on the matter.
[Sidenote: After the meal.]
After the meal the guests return to the drawing-room, but only for a
short time. The gentlemen resume their overcoats and take their hats and
umbrellas in the hall, where they had left them.
[Sidenote: Making calls at luncheon-time.]
Should a man make a call at luncheon-time, he is often asked to remain
for the meal. In that case he would carry his hat and stick into the
dining-room with him, just as he would if making an ordinary call. But
it is much better never to call anywhere at lunch-time unless one is on
very familiar terms with the family. Many young men acquire a reputation
for “cadging” for lunch or dinner in this way.
[Sidenote: Invitations from young members of the family.]
Invitations from the younger members of the family are not official,
unless plainly endorsed by the elders, or one of them. “Miss Lucy
invited me to lunch” is a poor plea. “Frank asked me to come and dine
this evening,” is no better. Young men cannot be too particular about
this matter. “I’ll get my mother to ask you to dinner, old man,” would
be the safer sort of invitation. The lady of the house must fix the
date, and she usually writes the invitation herself or gives it
personally.
[Sidenote: Unendorsed invitations from a daughter of the house.]
Should a daughter of the house give a young man an invitation to any
meal, without reference to her father or mother, it would be incorrect
in the highest degree to accept it. As to children, their invitations go
for nothing, of course, though cases have been known in which they have
been accepted. “I met little Eddy in the park, and he made me come in
with him.” This has a very poor and pitiable sound at luncheon hour or
teatime.
[Sidenote: Making one’s adieux.]
It is not necessary to make one’s adieux to each guest in turn. The
hostess is taken leave of first, as a rule, and the lady, or ladies,
with whom one has been conversing will expect a special word and bow,
perhaps offering a hand; but a general bow will be sufficient for those
to whom one is not very well known. It is only at family parties that
one has conscientiously to go round the room shaking hands with
everybody.
_FIVE O’CLOCK TEA AND AFTERNOON AT-HOMES._
Gentlemen are in great request at five o’clock tea.
[Sidenote: Duties of men at five o’clock tea.]
Their duties are rather onerous if there are but one or two men and the
usual crowd of ladies. They have to carry teacups about, hand sugar,
cream, and cakes or muffins, and keep up all the time a stream of small
talk, as amusing as they can make it. They must rise every time a lady
enters or leaves the room, opening the door for her exit if no one else
is nearer to it, and, if his hostess requests him, he must see the lady
downstairs to her carriage or cab.
[Sidenote: His own refreshment.]
With regard to the viands, a man helps himself, but not till he has seen
that all the ladies in his vicinity have everything they can possibly
want. His hostess, or some lady deputed by her to preside at the
tea-table, gives him tea or coffee, and he adds sugar and cream.
[Sidenote: Afternoon at-homes.]
With regard to afternoon at-homes, the arrangements are quite different.
Invitations are sent out a fortnight or three weeks before, generally
the latter, and in the height of the season even longer.
Suppose the young man’s name to be Edward Smith. His invitation would be
as follows:--
+-------------------------------------+
| _MR. EDWARD SMITH._ |
| |
| LADY DART |
| |
| AT HOME, |
| |
| _Tuesday, November 3rd._ |
| |
| 4 TO 7. |
| |
| _12, Evergreen Square._ |
| |
| R. S. V. P. |
+-------------------------------------+
[Sidenote: Accepting invitation.]
He replies, on a sheet of notepaper:--“Mr. Edward Smith has much
pleasure in accepting Lady Dart’s kind invitation for Tuesday afternoon,
November 3rd.”
[Sidenote: A great mistake.]
It’s a great mistake to write:--“Will have much pleasure in accepting.”
Accepting is the action of the present moment while he is writing the
reply. “Will have” refers to the future, and is therefore unsuitable.
The answering of invitations is a simple matter enough, but it is a test
of good breeding.
_AT THE PLAY._
[Sidenote: The underbred man at the play.]
At a theatre the underbred man is often in evidence, not only in the
low-priced seats, but also all over the house. He has been seen--and
heard--in private boxes. A well-known music-hall celebrity administered
a scathing reproof to one of these, who persisted in talking loudly
while she was singing. Stopping short, she looked up at the box in which
he sat, and cried: “One fool at a time, please,” after which he was as
quiet as a mouse.
[Sidenote: Entering late.]
It is a piece of bad manners to enter the theatre late, disturbing the
audience and annoying the players or singers.
[Sidenote: And leaving early.]
It is equally rude to leave before the entertainment is ended, unless
the interval be chosen when nothing is going on. At a concert this is
particularly true, for there are devotees of music who hang upon every
note and to whom it is a distinct loss to miss a single phrase of the
compositions they have come to hear.
[Sidenote: Inattention uncivil.]
Singers, actors, and actresses generally possess the sensitive,
sympathetic, artistic temperament, and it is wounding to them to see
members of the audience fidgeting, rustling about, chattering, laughing,
and otherwise showing inattention when they are doing their best to
entertain them. It is, therefore, uncivil to betray inattention.
[Sidenote: On appreciation.]
A little appreciation goes a long way with the members of the
professions of music and the drama. An actor told me once that after
having made a certain speech two or three times without any sign of
amusement from the audience, on the fourth night of the play a single
silvery note of musical mirth was heard from the stalls. It was but one
note--say E flat on the treble clef--but the audience immediately joined
in, perceiving the point of the speech as though it had been illuminated
for them by this one little laugh. He declared that ever after that
night his formerly unsuccessful “lines” elicited a roar of laughter.
Probably this was partly due to the sense of encouragement he felt,
inspiring him to due emphasis.
[Sidenote: In taking ladies to a place of entertainment.]
In taking ladies to a place of entertainment a gentleman hands them into
their carriage, a cab, or an omnibus, getting in last. Arrived at their
destination the gentleman alights first, handing out the ladies, and
giving any necessary orders to the coachman, or paying the cabman’s
fare. By the way, it is always as well to give instructions to the
coachman about where he is to
[Sidenote: Instructions to the coachman.]
be found, and at what hour he is to pick up his party, before entering
the carriage, as policemen view with much disfavour any prolonged
dialogue outside a place of entertainment where vehicles are setting
down their occupants in quick succession. Should there be a footman, of
course all these difficulties are obviated, as he can carry the
instructions to the coachman, and also knows where to find the carriage
when the performance is over.
[Sidenote: Should a hired brougham be used.]
Should a hired brougham be used as a conveyance in going to any place of
entertainment, or even a party at a private house, it is an excellent
plan to give the coachman a bright-coloured handkerchief, scarlet or
orange perhaps, that he may wear it conspicuously displayed, and can in
this way be at once recognised.
[Sidenote: To obviate waiting.]
It is a miserable business on a wet night to hunt for a brougham up and
down ill-lighted streets when in evening dress and patent leather boots,
and anything that tends to shorten the task is advisable. Nor do ladies
enjoy waiting in the draughty vestibule of opera-house, theatre, or
concert-room for an indefinite period while a short-sighted cavalier is
groping about the streets for their carriage.
If it is a question of a cab, the commissionaire at the door is the
best person to get one, which he will do for a small fee.
[Sidenote: A word of warning.]
Here again a word of warning is needed. There are men who, in their
special care of the ladies in their charge, forget that it is no part of
the duty of a gentleman to ignore the claims of other women who have not
the advantage of belonging to their party.
[Sidenote: Consideration due to all women.]
I have seen men who ought to have known better rudely pushing other
ladies away from the door of a cab or railway carriage in order that
their own womenkind may be well looked after. It is all very well to be
attentive and anxious to do one’s best, but it is ill-bred to the last
degree to subject to rudeness any ladies who happen to be without a
gentleman to look after them.
[Sidenote: An instance.]