himself; and if she prefers the top, he lets her mount the staircase in
front of him. There seems to be an idea in the lowly classes that it is
correct to precede a lady in ascending steps or stairs. This is not in
accordance with the practice of good society. If circumstances do not
admit of the two walking abreast, then the lady goes first, both in
ascending and descending any stairs.
It is by no means necessary that any man should resign his seat in or
on an omnibus simply because a woman wishes for it.
[Sidenote: On giving up one’s seat to a lady.]
The conductor has no right to ask “if any gentleman will go outside to
oblige a lady”; and no gentlewoman would allow him to ask such a favour
on her behalf. The inside passengers have selected inside seats, thereby
testifying to their preference for them, and they should be allowed to
retain them without interference.
[Sidenote: Women offenders.]
I have seen a delicate-looking boy, racked with a hacking cough, induced
to ride outside on a cold and rainy night in order that a fat, rosy,
healthy woman might have his inside seat. I felt all the more indignant
on his behalf because the woman never even thanked him. It was no
business of mine, but I was rejoiced to hear a man’s voice mutter in the
darkness, “She looks better able to face it than that pale-faced lad.”
But the woman wore a smug, well-pleased air, little knowing that her
fellow-passengers were almost all regarding her with a feeling of
dislike.
[Sidenote: No lady would request this favour.]
I repeat that no lady, in the highest sense of the term, would ever
permit the conductor of an omnibus to ask such a favour for her. She
would not ask it for herself; unlike a woman whom I saw, one day, mount
on the step of an omnibus and inquire of the “insides,” “Won’t any
genelman ride outside to oblige a lydy?” the “lydy” being herself.
It can never be out of place for a man to give up his seat in favour of
the old and infirm, or for a woman with a baby in her arms.
[Sidenote: Higher laws than etiquette.]
But such matters as these belong to a region of heart and mind beyond
mere manners, and it is useless to suggest any line of action on such
subjects. The impulse must come from within.
[Sidenote: Smoking on the top of an omnibus.]
There have been women so unreasonable as to complain of men smoking on
the top of an omnibus. Could anything be more illogical? First, they
invade the seats that have been claimed by man as his right (though
perhaps unjustly) for many long years, and then they feel annoyed
because he smokes in their presence. Or, to speak accurately, they are
petulant because his tobacco is often rank, strong, and consequently
evil-smelling.
[Sidenote: A man is justified in so doing.]
But no man need feel it necessary to put out his pipe or throw away his
cigar in these circumstances. Should he find himself so placed that the
wind blows his smoke in the face of a woman, he may propose to change
seats with her, in order that she may be spared the inconvenience. But
no woman could rationally expect him to do more.
_ON HORSEBACK._
[Sidenote: Riding costume for the Park.]
A great change has taken place during the last few years in the
character of riding costume for the Park. The subject may scarcely be a
suitable one for a little book intended for those unaccustomed to the
usages of the society of the wealthy. But there are almost always
exceptional cases in which such information may be found of use.
[Sidenote: Disappearance of the black coat.]
Only quite old-fashioned people ride in black coats, the usual gear
consisting of knickerbocker suits with Norfolk, or other country jacket,
brown tops and bowler hats. It must be admitted that this is a distinct
gain in picturesqueness. Straw hats are often seen on riders in the
Park, but these have not quite so good an effect. The old formalities in
dress are rapidly disappearing.
[Sidenote: The scope and limitations of the tweed suit.]
A man may ride in town in a tweed suit, which once would have been
considered highly heterodox. He may even walk about London in the height
of the season in a tweed suit, but it is not considered correct for him
to join his friends in the Park without reverting to the black coat and
high hat. Many an old statesman is still to be seen in the Park riding
in frock-coat and tall hat, just as John Leech depicted the men of his
day.
There are certain rules of etiquette connected with riding on horseback,
which no one can afford to ignore. It is extremely ill-mannered to
gallop noisily past a mounted lady, the risk being of startling her
horse and inconveniencing her, if not subjecting her to an accident.
[Sidenote: The rule of the road for equestrians.]
The rule of the road for equestrians is to keep to the left, exactly the
opposite to that for pedestrians. In passing others in front a detour is
made to the right; in meeting other riders or wheel traffic of any sort
the rider keeps close to the left. In accompanying a lady the gentleman
keeps on her right hand, whether in town or on country roads.
[Sidenote: At a meet of hounds.]
At a meet of hounds, where ladies in carriages often assemble, it is not
polite to keep too near them if mounted on a fidgety horse. When the
hounds throw off, the inexperienced in such matters has a disagreeable
way of getting in front in his eagerness, and sometimes overriding the
hounds.
[Sidenote: “A crime of the blackest dye.”]
This, in the eyes of the huntsman, is not a fault; it is a crime of the
blackest dye. If commissioned to take charge of a lady in the
hunting-field a man must sacrifice his sporting instincts to a certain
extent in order to see her safe over her fences, giving her a lead, or
following her lead as circumstances may dictate. His desire to be in at
the death may be as great as hers, but he must not indulge it at the
expense of his politeness.
[Sidenote: A man’s duty to his charge.]
Very often his charge may beg of him to go on and leave her to her own
devices.
[Sidenote: His responsibility ends only with the hunt.]
If he should perceive that she is really uncomfortable about keeping him
back he may possibly yield to her persuasion, but in the case of any
accident happening to her he would be certainly called to account by
those who had placed her in his charge.
[Sidenote: A common error.]
One of the mistakes made by novices in the hunting-field is that of
getting themselves up in “pink,” though they may not be a member of any
hunt. This is more particularly the case when the packs are near town.
Good West End tailors would never allow their clients to make such
mistakes as these.
[Sidenote: Advice to the novice.]
They are the best authorities on all the minutiæ of country riding
costume, and it is well for the customer to put himself unreservedly in
the hands of the long-experienced in such matters. Of course this means
high charges. Experience and skill are commercial commodities, just as
much as fine cloth and silk linings, but if a man can afford to go
a-hunting he ought to be able to afford the advice of a good tailor.
[Sidenote: Assisting a lady to her mount.]
In mounting a lady on horseback the gentleman takes her left foot in his
right hand, and when she springs he helps her in this manner to reach
the saddle, afterwards adjusting her left foot in the stirrup and
arranging her habit for her.
_DRIVING_
[Sidenote: “Keep to your left”]
The same rule of the road applies to driving as to riding. In the
crowded traffic of large towns and cities it would be difficult, if not
impossible, to observe the good old rule of courtesy that prohibits the
driver of any private carriage from overtaking and passing that of a
friend or neighbour on the road. The members of the Four-in-Hand and
Coaching Clubs still observe it, and seldom pass each other without an
apologetic wave of the hand or raising of the hat.
[Sidenote: Acknowledging salutes.]
A gentleman driving a mail phaeton in the Park with a lady by his side
must, of course, acknowledge all salutes by raising his hat, if he is
sufficiently expert to admit of his doing so without risk. It is not
every one who can emulate the Prince of Wales, who, when driving a
coach, can take a cigar from his lips and raise his hat with the
whip-hand, the reins, of course, being in the left. It is not unusual,
nowadays, to see a man driven by a lady.
[Sidenote: Handing a lady up to her coach seat.]
In such a case he must be on the alert to afford her every assistance
in his power. In handing a lady up to her place on a coach some
expertness is required, especially where the usual short ladder is not
available, and she has to mount first on the wheel and then on to the
coach itself.
[Sidenote: Invitations to coach drives.]
The box-seat of a coach to the left of the driver is considered the
place of honour, and the lady invited to occupy it is very appreciative,
as a rule, of this mark of attention. It is scarcely necessary to remark
that a man must be as careful about the invitations for a drive on his
four-in-hand as he would be in other circumstances. A lady would resent
being asked to meet any one unsuitable in a drive, even though the
latter may be relegated to a back seat.
[Sidenote: A man may refuse a lady the coach reins.]
Sometimes ladies are very anxious to take the reins and drive
themselves, a circumstance which has often occasioned agonies of
nervousness to other women on the coach. It is quite possible to refuse
such a request in a polite and gentlemanly way, partly by seeming to
ignore it or laughing it off. It is not a bad plan when some such
request is supposed to be imminent to bind oneself beforehand by a
promise to one of the timid ladies. This promise can be produced with
great effect when occasion arises.
[Sidenote: On dismounting, when calling for a lady.]
A man usually dismounts when calling for a lady to take her for a ride,
if she is to be mounted. Sometimes, however, this rule is remitted, as
in the case of a restive and very fresh animal; the groom then assists
the lady to mount. The driver of a four-in-hand very seldom dismounts in
such circumstances, though, of course, there are exceptions to this as
to almost all other rules.
[Sidenote: On smoking when driving.]
It used to be considered bad manners to smoke when driving with a lady.
This is now quite antediluvian, so to speak. Permission must, of course,
always be asked of the lady. It is scarcely ever refused, and it is
almost an exceptional thing to see a man driving without a cigar between
his teeth.
Should the lady driven meet some acquaintances unknown to her
charioteer, and wish to stop and converse with them, he raises his hat
and awaits her pleasure. She will probably introduce him, but if not he
takes no part in the conversation. The only thing he can do is to remain
passive, but unless the lady feels justified in introducing him it is an
error of taste on her part to enter into conversation with her friends.
[Sidenote: In which case the rule may be broken.]
Some ladies have a great disinclination to mount a four-in-hand or mail
phaeton until the driver is seated with the reins in his hand and in
full command of the horses. There is nothing surprising in this, for,
after all, the groom who stands at the head of the horses before the
start has very little control over them, and one or two disagreeable
accidents have occurred in this way, the horses taking fright and
escaping from his grasp. Consequently it would be no breach of good
manners for the gentleman driving to take his seat and thus reassure his
nervous companion.
_GAMES AND RECREATIONS._
[Sidenote: Chess and whist permanently popular.]
A man who can play a good game of chess, or even an excellent rubber of
whist, must be aware that the acquirement involves an education in
itself. Neither is ever likely to become unpopular among the best
classes of society. Chess and whist clubs increase in number as time
goes on; but for the purposes of everyday life less exigent games are
found more useful.
[Sidenote: One should be able to play the minor games.]
Billiards, backgammon, poker, bézique, baccarat, écarté, draughts,
vingt-et-un, and loo may be mentioned among the minor accomplishments
with which the modern young man finds it convenient to be equipped. That
a bad use has been made of some of these by converting them into media
for gambling is not to be denied. At the same time there is no reason
why those who play them in moderation should refrain from doing so
because others abuse rather than use these means of recreation.
[Sidenote: These things are innocent in themselves.]
A round game affords a very innocent mode of spending an enjoyable
evening, and country-house life especially is often enlivened in this
way.
[Sidenote: And often quite necessary.]
Home life, whether in town or country, is apt to become monotonous,
particularly for the young members of the family, if there is not
occasionally an amusing game got up to pass away the evening hours, and
anything that adds to the attractions of home must at least have one
excellent recommendation.
[Sidenote: A man’s breeding is shown in his play.]
Apart from other considerations, the demeanour of a young man when
playing cards affords a very good test of his manners. Some of them
appear to think that the only fun to be had out of the game lies in
cheating--very open and transparent cheating, to be sure--but still
sufficient to spoil the amusement of others. A curious development of
money greed is sometimes observable in players, who will show extreme
exasperation at the loss of so simple a coin as a penny.
[Sidenote: Irritability over games.]
There are many fairly good-tempered men (and women) who evince extreme
irritability over games of any kind. To play with such as these is very
disagreeable, and the tendency to irascibility should be firmly checked
by those who wish to be popular in society.
The host or hostess always takes the lead in these games, or else
deputes some one else to do so. It is a sign of ill-breeding when any
outsider assumes the command of a game without having been asked to do
so.
[Sidenote: An outsider may not take the lead unsolicited.]
Unfortunately, gambling games are very popular at some houses, and it is
possible for a young man, being unaware of the fact, to be drawn in and
lose more than he can afford before he can politely extricate himself.
[Sidenote: Men and houses to be avoided.]
In such circumstances the only thing he can do is religiously to avoid
any such house in future. It is a matter of notoriety that there are men
who make good incomes by fleecing the young and inexperienced whom they
invite to their houses under the guise of friendship; but even when
there is no deliberate dishonesty in question, as in these cases, the
host or hostess, out of pure love of gambling, draws in the guests to
play for high sums.
[Sidenote: Things to be reckoned with.]
Unpardonable, it is true, but such things have to be reckoned with, and
avoided, if possible. The matter is not confined to London;
country-house life has much to answer for under the same heading.
_RULE OF THE ROAD ON THE RIVER._
[Sidenote: The rule of the road on the river.]
There is a rule of the road for the river, and those who boat on the
Thames on crowded days fervently wish that it were better understood.
There does not appear to be any means of acquiring the necessary
information. If such means exist they have never come under my notice,
and, for at least one summer, I spent many hours daily in that agreeable
form of exercise.
[Sidenote: With the tide--the middle of the stream.]
Boats coming down with the tide keep the middle of the river; those
going against it hug the shore on either side, but in passing other
boats coming in the same direction they must go out in a semicircle,
leaving the front boat the shore. Tow-boats are always given this
advantage.
[Sidenote: Up-stream--either shore.]
In meeting other boats coming downstream which really have no right to
the shore, but are mistakenly kept near the margin by inexperienced
steerers, the boat going up-stream should not go out, but keep towards
the land.
[Sidenote: The rights of anglers.]
The rights of the numerous anglers should be respected; and it is not
only courteous but politic to do so, as it is disagreeable to have the
lines entangled in the boat.
[Sidenote: Sailing-boats.]
Row-boats give way to sailing-boats on the river, especially when the
latter are tacking to use the breeze. As to steam-launches, their motto
too often appears to be that “Might is right.” Occupants of small boats
keep a sharp look-out for these.
[Sidenote: Passing through locks.]
In passing through the locks the usual politeness of refraining from
shooting ahead of boats in front should be observed. Any active
emulation of this kind is a very risky business in the same way when
pulling a boat over the rollers. A man is bound to yield the _pas_ to
ladies or to any boat containing ladies. In fact, the courtesies of the
river may be summed up as similar to those on land.
_DINNER-PARTIES._
[Sidenote: Invitation.]
“Mrs. X. requests the pleasure of Mr. L.’s company at dinner on
Thursday, the 16th of February, at eight o’clock.”
[Sidenote: Acceptance.]
“Mr. L. accepts with pleasure Mrs. X.’s kind invitation to dinner on
Thursday, the 16th of February.”
[Sidenote: Address of the hostess.]
These are the preliminaries; the lady’s address being on the sheet of
paper or card on which her invitation has been written.
[Sidenote: The usual interval.]
Three weeks’ notice is usual, but sometimes, in the season, when many
parties are going on, invitations are sent out four, five, or six weeks
beforehand, in order to secure the guests. In the case of “lions” even
longer invitations have been given; but as one of the first principles
of good breeding is never to “corner” anybody, it is scarcely fair to
invite those who are in much request without giving them the option of
refusal.
[Sidenote: Unfairly long invitations.]
An invitation of seven or eight weeks’ length scarcely allows one to
plead a pre-engagement, and often defeats the eager hostess’s own end by
inducing the “lion” to accept without any intention of being present,
writing later on to “renage,” to use a good old whist term.
But as our young man is scarcely yet a “lion,” and probably not
over-burdened with engagements for dinner or any other social function,
we may imagine him accepting with a free mind.
[Sidenote: Breaking the engagement.]
Should anything intervene to prevent him carrying out his engagement, he
is in duty bound to let his hostess know as early as possible that he
cannot be present at her dinner-party. This is more especially and
particularly necessary with dinners, though it holds good with regard to
all invitations.
[Sidenote: Peculiar obligation of the diner-out.]
But with dinner there is a peculiar obligation laid upon the guests. The
choice and arrangement of them involves care on the part of the
dinner-giver, more so than in the case of any other meal. In fact,
dinner stands alone as an institution sacred to the highest rites of
hospitality. To be invited is an honour to the young man who is just
beginning his social life. To absent himself would be a gross rudeness,
unless he could plead circumstances of a pressing nature. It is
considered a great infraction of good manners to wire on the very day
of the party that one cannot dine as arranged, unless something has
occurred to justify such conduct.
[Sidenote: On declining at the last moment.]
The hostess can with difficulty find a substitute at short notice, and
the whole plan of her table is destroyed by the absence of one person.
There are few people who would not feel offended at being invited to
fill a gap of the kind, and this is what makes it so extremely
discourteous to disappoint at the last moment, as it were.
[Sidenote: A “fill-up” invitation.]
The unfortunate hostess thinks, “Is there any one good-natured enough to
come and fill the vacant place?” Sometimes this is the _raison d’être_
of a young man’s first invitation. Let him accept it by all means, even
though he is perfectly aware that he was not his entertainer’s first
choice.
[Sidenote: One’s first dinner-party.]
Many a young man feels nervous about his first dinner-party. There are a
few puzzling things that trouble him in prospect. He wonders if he
should wear gloves, as ladies do, taking them off at the dinner-table.
Let me set his mind at rest on this small point, at once.
[Sidenote: Gloves not worn by men.]
He need not wear gloves. In fact, he must not. Another little matter to
be remembered is that a quarter of an hour’s grace is always understood
in dinner invitations. Should the hour indicated be 8 o’clock, then
care must be taken to time the arrival at five or ten minutes past the
hour.
[Sidenote: Punctuality imperative.]
But it is better to be too early than too late. A want of punctuality at
this meal is unpardonable. It is the very height of rudeness, annoying
to the host and hostess, displeasing to the guests, and regarded as
outrageous by the cook.
[Sidenote: One’s first duty to one’s hostess.]
When our young man is shown into the drawing-room, he at once goes up to
his hostess, no matter whether there is any one he knows nearer to the
door than the lady of the house. This is always a fixed rule, whether it
be on the occasion of a call or visit, or on having been invited to a
party of any kind. When he has been greeted by his hostess he looks
round the room to see if there is anyone present whom he knows.
[Sidenote: Then acquaintances.]
If so, he goes up to the ladies first, if there are any of his
acquaintance present, and afterwards greets the gentlemen. His host will
probably have shaken hands with him immediately after his wife has done
so.
[Sidenote: Introduction to partner.]
He will then be told what lady he is to take down to dinner, and be
introduced to her, if he does not already know her. He must bow, not
shake hands, and make small talk for her during the interval between his
introduction and the announcement of dinner.
[Sidenote: Making small talk.]
Here is his first real difficulty. To converse with a perfect stranger
is always one of the initial social accomplishments to be learned, and
it is not at all an easy thing at first. It needs practice.
[Sidenote: If possible, avoid talking about the weather.]
Ninety men out of every hundred offer a remark upon the weather; but
unless there has been something very extraordinary going on in the
meteorological line, it is better to avoid this subject if possible. A
girl at Ascot said to me one lovely day, “That’s the eighth man who has
informed me that it’s a beautiful day.” Up came a ninth with the very
same observation, and both she and I felt inclined to titter like very
schoolgirls. It is far better to start with something more original.
[Sidenote: The first person singular not a good topic.]
It is as well to keep the pronoun “I” in the background just at first.
If your partner is as nice as she might be, she will soon give you
abundant opportunity for talking about yourself.
[Sidenote: The beginner’s partner.]
By the way, a man must not at his very first dinner-party expect to be
given a pretty girl to take down. He may possibly be so fortunate, but
those prizes are usually reserved for men of more experience in social
life. The young man has probably been invited to make up the necessary
number of men, and an unmarried lady of uncertain age or an elderly
woman without much claim to consideration will probably fall to his
share.
[Sidenote: Compensations.]
However, there is this consolation, she will be excellent for practising
upon. He would not mind making small mistakes so much as if his partner
were a young and charming girl.
[Sidenote: The small-talk art not so difficult.]
Nor is the art of making small talk so difficult as it would be with a
pair of bright and youthful eyes beaming into your own, and confusing
you into forgetfulness of all but their own delightful language.
But what to talk about is the puzzle of the moment.
[Sidenote: A good beginning.]
I have known a good beginning made with some such, remark as, “Do you
know everybody here?” This leads perhaps to the acquisition of some
information as to the other guests.
[Sidenote: Some useful topics.]