"Ah, I thought you were asleep...." he answered in confusion; then
he approached me, holding the book in his hand, sat down beside me,
and said, hesitatingly: "You see, I want to ask you about something
... Isn't there some book or other about the rules of life? That is
to say, instruction as to how a man ought to live? I want to have
my deeds explained to me--which are injurious, and which are of no
consequence ... You see, I am troubled about my deeds.... A deed which
seems to me good at the start, turns out bad in the end. Now, in that
matter of Kápa" He drew a long breath, and went on with an effort, and
inquiringly: "So, won't you search, and see if there isn't a little
book about deeds? And read it to me."
Several minutes of silence.
"Maxím!" ...
"What?"
"How black Kapitólina did paint me!"
"That's all right, now.... Say no more about it...."
"Of course, it's no matter now.... But, tell me ... was she right?"
This was a ticklish question, but, on reflection, I replied to it in
the affirmative.
"There, that's just what I think myself.... She was right ... yes...."
drawled Konováloff, sadly, and fell silent.
He fidgeted about for a long time on his mat, which was laid flat on
the floor, rose to his feet several times, smoked, sat down by the
window, and again lay down.
Then I fell asleep, and when I awoke he was no longer in the bakery,
and made his appearance only toward nightfall. He turned out to be
covered all over with some sort of dust, and in his clouded eyes a
fixed expression had congealed. Flinging his cap on a shelf he heaved a
sigh, and seated himself by my side.
"Where have you been?"
"I went to take a look at Kápka."
"Well, and what of it?"
"Stop that, brother! Didn't I tell you...."
"Evidently, you can't do anything with those people," I said, in the
endeavor to dispel his mood, and began to talk about the mighty power
of habit, and about everything else which seemed appropriate to the
occasion. Konováloff remained obstinately mute, and stared at the floor.
"No, there's no u-use! It is too much for me! I'm simply a man who
spreads infection.... I have not long to live in this world.... Such a
woful, poisonous breath emanates from me. And just as soon as I go near
a man, he immediately catches the infection from me. And woe is all
that I can bring to anyone ...? For, when you come to think of it, to
whom have I ever brought any satisfaction all my life long? To no one!
And I've had dealings with a great many people, too.... I'm a rotting
man."
"That's nonsense...."
"No, it's true!..." and he nodded his head with conviction.
I tried to convince him of the contrary, but from my remarks he drew
still greater certainty as to his unfitness for life.
Altogether, he had begun to undergo a swift, sharp change from the
moment of the affair with Kápka. He became meditative, lost his
interest in books, did not work with his previous ardor, became
taciturn and reserved.
During the intervals of freedom from work, he lay down on the floor,
and stared fixedly at the vault of the ceiling. His face grew thin, his
eyes lost their clear, childlike brilliancy.
"Sásha, what's the matter with you?" I asked him.
"My drunken spree is coming on," he explained simply.--"I shall soon
let myself loose ... that is, I shall begin to gulp down vódka.... I'm
all on fire inside, already ... like a burn, you know....
The time has come ... if it hadn't been for that same story, I might
have been able to hold out a little longer. But that affair is eating
me up.... How so? I wanted to do good to a person, and--all of a
sudden--it turns out entirely wrong! Yes, brother, a rule for one's
deeds is very necessary in life.... And couldn't such a set of rules
be invented, so that all men might act like one, and everyone might
understand the others? For it is utterly impossible to live at such
a distance from one another! Don't the wise people understand, that
order must be established on the earth, and men must be brought to a
clear knowledge?... E-ekhma!"
Absorbed in these thoughts as to the indispensability of a rule of
life, he did not listen to my remarks. I even noticed that he seemed to
hold somewhat aloof from me. One day, after listening for the hundredth
time to my project for reorganizing life, he appeared to become enraged
with me.
"Well, devil take you.... I've heard of that before.... The point
doesn't lie in life, but in man. The first thing is ... the man ... do
you understand? Well, and there's nothing more to it.... So, according
to you, it appears, that until all this has been made over, man, all
the same, must remain just as he is now. Also.... No, you make him over
first, show him his way.... Let things be bright and not cramped for
him on the earth--that's what you must seek after for man. Teach him to
find his path.... But that stuff of yours is ... mere fiction."