man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking
all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear
sir, you _deserve_ to be ill."
MLXXV.--A BALANCE.
"PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a
village attorney. "For what?"--"For the opinion you had of me."--"Faith,
I _never_ had any _opinion_ of you in all my life."
MLXXVI.--MONEY'S WORTH.
WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising
agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one
of the laborers there, and said, "My man, you do not sweat at that
work."--"Why, no, master," was the reply, "_seven shillings_ a week
isn't _sweating_ wages."
MLXXVII.--ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M.P. FOR PONTEFRACT.
STRANGE is it, proud Pontefract's borough should sully
Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.
The etymological cause, I suppose, is
His breaking the bridges of so many noses.
MLXXVIII.--WRITING FOR THE STAGE.
PEOPLE would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash
which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very
first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for
representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a
nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic
description, and in five acts; during the principal scenes of which the
hero of the drama declaimed from the _main-mast_ of a man-of-war,
without once descending from his position!
A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster, in _thirty_ acts.
The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have
five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a
week.
MLXXIX.--A COMPARISON.
"AN attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an
apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer
does not deal in _scruples_."
MLXXX.--GAMBLING.
I NEVER by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me
like the funeral bell of a whole family.--D.J.
MLXXXI.--SWEEPS.
WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a
climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's
office!
MLXXXII.--SELF-CONCEIT.
HAIL, charming power of self-opinion!
For none are slaves in thy dominion;
Secure in thee, the mind's at ease,
The _vain_ have only _one_ to please.
MLXXXIII.--JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.
FORMERLY, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear
affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to
attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in
Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought
he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the
party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes
before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to
him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down
without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the
pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour.
As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding
none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact is, my
Lord, I am engaged to _dine_ at the next house--and--and----"--"And,
sir, you thought you might as well _save_ your own dinner by _spoiling_
mine?"--"Exactly so, my Lord; but----"--"Sir, I wish you a good
evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was
more frightened.
MLXXXIV.--A GOOD INVESTMENT.
AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: "_To be
sold_, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney
retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate."
MLXXXV.--THE AGED YOUNG LADY.
AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said
that she was but _forty_ years old. A student who sat near observed,
that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the
last _ten years_.
MLXXXVI--KEEPING TIME.
A GENTLEMAN at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, "How he
should stir the fire without interrupting the music."--"_Between the
bars_," replied the friend.
MLXXXVII.--ENTERING THE LISTS.
THE Duke of B----, who was to have been one of the knights of the
Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse
himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could
I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"--"It
will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, "if your grace goes in your
_list_ shoes."
MLXXXVIII.--NOT IMPORTUNATE.
MRS. ROBISON (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy)
having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had
accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared."--"Weel, weel," said
Mrs. Robison, "if ye're _dead_ I'll no' expect ye."
MLXXXIX.--WITTY COWARD.
A FRENCH marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he
never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile
it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?"--"Pooh!"
replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that passes
behind my back."
MXC.--PRIORITY.
AN old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his _young_ master for
his being allowed to do as he liked: "Ye need na find faut wi' me,
Maister Jeems, _I hae been langer about the place than yersel'_."
MXCI.--SHOULD NOT SILENCE GIVE CONSENT?
A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a
proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the
proposition with the dry remark, "I never big dykes till the _tenants_
complain."
MXCII.--CHARACTERISTICS.
THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One
extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a
friend with,--"It is a very cold morning, doctor."--"I don't know that,"
was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with
_snow_. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The
doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and
interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the
annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated
next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ought not to quote so much,
as many of the party did not understand it."--"And _you are one_ of
them," observed the learned bear.
MXCIII.--AN ERROR CORRECTED.
JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of
his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his
disappointment.
_Friend_ (to Jerrold).--I hear you said ---- was the worst book I ever
wrote.
_Jerrold._--No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever
wrote.
MXCIV.--A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.
W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover
The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.
But hold! _Extremes will meet_: the marvel's over;
His very _dulness_ is the _extreme_ of wit.
MXCV.--BRAHAM AND KENNEY.
THE pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was
passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at
the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of
manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He
replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I
really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On
asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham
say, as he entered, 'I am really _proud_ of my pit to-night,' I went and
counted it, and there were but _seventeen_ people in it."
MXCVI.--HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.
"I WOULD," says Fox, "a tax devise
That shall not fall on me."
"Then tax _receipts_," Lord North replies,
"For those you _never_ see."
MXCVII.--A BED OF--WHERE?
A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and
spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very
proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion,
and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well,
sir; but, indeed, I thought _I'd lost_ the minister a' thegither."
MXCVIII.--ENVY.
A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by
the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is
dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied
another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, _I
wish I had just half his disease_!"--in other words, a moiety of the
whiskey he had drunk.
MXCIX.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.
"I KEEP an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her
boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little
_upon it_."
MC.--MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.
A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as
you see him; but he's an _honest_ beast." The purchaser took him home.
In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and
his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the
laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast;
many a time has he _threatened_ to come down with me, and I kenned he
would _keep his word_ some day."
MCI.--"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."
MR. NEVILLE, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by
many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech,
but when he used _bad_ words he could talk fluently. In one of his
solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road.
"Tu--u--rn," says Neville, "to--to--to--" and so on for a minute or two;
at last he burst out, "_Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can
tell you_!"
MCII.--ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY STABLE-KEEPER.
TWO Miltons, in separate ages were born,
The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got;
Though the other had talents the world to adorn,
_This_ lives by his _mews_, which the other could not!
MCIII.--A LONG RESIDENCE.
THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a
splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man
of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as
Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye
to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer
countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht _o'
leavin' yet_."
MCIV.--SPARE THE ROD.
A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied,
"If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the _Italian
system_--the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."
MCV.--POLITICAL SINECURE.
CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to
his heart, and declared that he was the trusty _guardian_ of his own
honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on
the snug little _sinecure_ he had discovered for himself.
MCVI.--EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAÎTRE PHYSICIAN.
WHEN Pennington for female ills indites,
Studying alone not what, but how he writes,
The ladies, as his graceful form they scan,
Cry, with ill-omened rapture,--"_Killing man_!"
MCVII.--DAMPED ARDOR.
JERROLD and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London,
discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy
shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many
years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of
us."
MCVIII.--ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.
IN 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his
native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George
IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the
leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed
Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to
ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these
distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going
direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission,
Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and
_I will talk over the business with_ HIS MAJESTY."
MCIX.--TRUTH AND FICTION.
A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his
servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he
observed, that there was no great matter in it,--"For," says he, "we
ran, and they ran _after us_."
MCX.--A REASONABLE REFUSAL.
AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some
of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and
solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King.
"Indeed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never
could raise a man _for mysel_, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King
George."
MCXI.--LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.
A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord
North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in
a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the
Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter
only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other
criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their
fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair,
and taught to repeat the cry of "_Infamous coalition_!" Lord North
coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to
them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the
starling might well perform his office _by deputy_.
MCXII.--INCAPACITY.
A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "_I_ would
permit you," answered the prelate; "but _nature_ will not."
MCXIII.--EPIGRAM.
(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)
TO wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak;
Is there a night that asses do not speak?
MCXIV.--VALUE OF NOTHING.
PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting
him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking,
and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His
friend answered, "Yes!"--"And what may it be?" asked Porson.
"_Sixpence_!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the
note."
MCXV.--THE RIGHT ORGAN.
SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the
organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The _barrel_-organ,"
interrupted an auditor.
MCXVI.--MIND YOUR POINTS.
A WRITER, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite
passage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing _a bolster full of rage and
jealousy_, smothers her."
MCXVII.--REASONS FOR DRINKING.
DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for
drinking:--
"Good wine, a friend, or being dry,
Or lest you should be by and by,
Or any other reason why."
MCXVIII.--NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.
AN eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house
of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer
ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock;
may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"--"I
don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white
sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be
_fleeced_."
MCXIX.--AN ODD OCCURRENCE.
AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little
absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have
been _more_ women than men married this year."
MCXX.--A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.
A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make
some English verses, and seeing he put _teeth_ to rhyme with _feet_,
told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles
answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore
this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that
evasion, for that will make you an _owl_."
MCXXI.--NOSCE TE IPSUM.
SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of
Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the
debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished
to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed
he, with great emphasis--"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a
more _knavish fool_ than he?"--"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the
troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the
prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.
MCXXII.--VERA CANNIE.
A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the
plea, "_Marry_ for love, and _work_ for siller," replied, "It's a' vera
true, but a kiss and a tinniefu[C] o' cauld water maks a gey wersh[D]
breakfast."
[C] Tinnie, the small porringer of children.
[D] Insipid.
MCXXIII.--TIMELY AID.
A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for
alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound
sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my
present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit
some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a
shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam,"
said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been _begging_ all
day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to
_work_!"
MCXXIV.--WHIST.
MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named
Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a
deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on
the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life,
and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment
he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "_What is trumps_?"
MCXXV.--HENRY ERSKINE.
THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba--four, a
barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences.
Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the
former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer,
"I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to
a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the
first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a
slight extravasation of blood."--"You may thank your lucky stars,"
replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's _gate_ was not as _lofty_ as
your _style_, or you must have broken your neck."
MCXXVI.--THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.
THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust,
Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.
MCXXVII.--TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.
TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time
the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still
resembled only the "effigy of a man,"--said the stout gentleman, "Why,
Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you
last."--"And you," replied the other, "look as if you _had been at
dinner ever since_."
MCXXVIII.--SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.
AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood,
who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can
your mag t-t-talk yet?"--"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than _you_, or
I'd wring his _head off_."
MCXXIX.--AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.
THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one
killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body
they _found the chaplain_ of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr.
----, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was
discovered in this very inconvenient situation.
MCXXX.--CONSTANCY.
CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the
Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not _change_
either till he comes back."
MCXXXI.--EPIGRAM.
(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)
WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear
So lengthily his subject to pursue,
That listeners (out of patience) often fear
He has indeed _eternity in view_.
MCXXXII.--SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.
MR. SMITH passed a pork-shop the other day,--Mr. Smith whistled. The
moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this,
we would mention that the day before he _lost a Newfoundland dog_, that
weighed sixty-eight pounds.
MCXXXIII.--BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.
ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a
duel in a _darkened room_. The Englishman, unwilling to take his
antagonist's life, generously fired up the chimney, and--_brought down
the Frenchman_. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the
relator, "I make the _Englishman_ go up the chimney."
MCXXXIV.--A PERFECT BORE.
SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was
not "a _little_ tiresome?"--"Not at all," said he, "she was _perfectly_
tiresome."
MCXXXV.--TOO CIVIL BY HALF.
AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the
close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of
the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one
of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "_I
really beg his pardon_,--bring him in."
MCXXXVI.--"OUR LANDLADY."
A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin,
would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion:
"Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off
started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it _half_ a
quartern _loaf_, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got
across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard:
"Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it _all gin_."
MCXXXVII.--THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.
DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church,
which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more
convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct
road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out
of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the
bridge."--"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church _in_ the
way, that the people may not _go out of the way_."
MCXXXVIII.--SAVING TIME.
A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a
long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said,
"Electors of G----, all that he has _said_ I will _do_."
MCXXXIX.--THE YOUNG IDEA.
SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come,
now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You
won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell
you. I didn't come here to _teach you_,--but for you to _teach me_."
MCXL.--EPIGRAM.
TWO Harveys had a mutual wish
To please in different stations;
For one excelled in _Sauce for Fish_,
And one in _Meditations_.
Each had its pungent power applied
To aid the dead and dying;
_This_ relishes a _sole_ when _fried_,
_That_ saves a _soul_ from _frying_.
MCXLI.--EPITAPHS.
IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to
the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single
epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of
Shakespeare,--the following being the whole,--_Exit Burbadge_.
Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on that
excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,--"Good
Knight."
MCXLII.--NATIONAL PREJUDICE.
FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, "The
Irish, sir, take us _all in_, and the Scotch turn us _all out_."
MCXLIII.--GRANDILOQUENCE.
A BOASTING fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business
be?"--"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is
in a _very_ large way!"--"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume
you are a cutter of _bungs_?"
MCXLIV.--THE LETTER C.