of heat and cold, replied: "Heat expands and cold contracts."--"Quite
right; can you give me an example?"--"Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot,
the days are longer; but in winter, which is _cold_, the days are
_shorter_."
CLXXXIII.--HAPPINESS.
HAPPINESS grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in
strangers' gardens.
CLXXXIV.--TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.
IT was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in
terms which at first appeared very flattering, "There is a great deal in
this book which is new, and a great deal that is true." So far good, the
author would think; but then came the negation: "But it unfortunately
happens, that those portions which are _new_ are not _true_, and those
which are _true_ are not _new_!"
CLXXXV.--A HANDSOME CONTRIBUTION.
A GENTLEMAN waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in
behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of
money.
"Well," said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, "how much
does ---- want this time?"
"Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight," the
bearer of the hat replied.
_Jerrold._--"Well, put me down for one of the noughts this time."
CLXXXVI.--WASTE OF TIME.
AN old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his
friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. "Alas!" said he
to them, "it is hardly worth while to _dress_ myself again."
CLXXXVII.--SCOTCH SIMPLICITY.
AT Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a _clanking_
noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her
bedside, who said to her, "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin
you should see our folks, ye can tell them that we're a weel." To which
Jenny replied. "Weel, gin I shud see them I 'se tell them, but you manna
expect that I am to gang clank clanking through Heeven looking for your
folk."
CLXXXVIII.--TWOFOLD ILLUSTRATION.
SIR FLETCHER NORTON was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading
before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced
unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant
in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge
immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all _know_
it, Sir Fletcher."
CLXXXIX.--NAT LEE AND SIR ROGER L'ESTRANGE.
THE author of "Alexander the Great," whilst confined in a madhouse, was
visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Lee
entertained no very high opinion. Upon the knight inquiring whether the
poet knew him, Lee answered:--
"Custom may alter men, and manners change:
But I am still _strange Lee_, and you L'Estrange:
I'm poor in purse as you are poor in brains."
CXC.--MAIDS AND WIVES.
WOMEN are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make
'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage
certificates, and defy you.--D.J.
CXCI.--TRAGEDY MS.
LISTON, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury
Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to town by
the side of some game, was smeared with blood, observed, "That parcel
contains a manuscript tragedy." And on being asked why, replied,
"Because the _fifth_ act is peeping out at one corner of it."
CXCII.--A TRUE COURTIER.
ONE day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was
announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. "Sir Isaac,"
said the king, "are you a judge of horses?"--"In my younger days, please
your majesty, I was a great deal among them," was the reply. "What do
you think of this, then?" said the king, who was by this time preparing
to mount his favorite: and, without waiting for an answer, added, "we
call him. _Perfection_."--"A most appropriate name," replied the courtly
herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, "for he _bears_ the
best of characters."
CXCIII.--RARE VIRTUE.
THE paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one of Jonathan Wild,
who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after fully
satisfying himself, upon the maturest deliberation, that he could _gain
nothing_ by refraining from it.
CXCIV.--A POSER.
A COXCOMB in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain
popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of his
pointed to the coxcomb: "See, sir, the real author of your favorite
song."--"Well," replied the other, "the gentleman _might_ have made it,
for I assure him I found no difficulty in doing it myself."
CXCV.--A SHEEPISH COMPLIMENT.
LORD COCKBURN, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside
with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest
situation, he remarked to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on
the other side of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ah, my lord, but if
ye had been a _sheep_ ye would hae had mair sense."
CXCVI.--CONSIDERABLE LATITUDE.
SIR RICHARD JEBB being called to see a patient who fancied himself very
ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for
him. "Now you are here," said the patient, "I shall be obliged to you,
Sir Richard, if you will tell me how I must live; what I may eat, and
what I may not."--"My directions as to that point," replied Sir Richard,
"will be few and simple! You must not eat the poker, shovel, or tongs,
for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, because they are
_windy_; but eat anything else you please!"
CXCVII.--FARMER AND ATTORNEY.
AN opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told
he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at
the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional
friend. The farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and read as follows:--
"Here are two fat wethers fallen out together,
If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other,
And make 'em agree like brother and brother."
The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and terminated the
dispute.
CXCVIII.--A WIFE AT FORTY.
"MY notion of a wife at forty," said Jerrold, "is, that a man should be
able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties."
CXCIX.--DISAPPROBATION.
AN actor played a season at Richmond theatre for the privilege only of
having a benefit. When his night came, and having to sustain a principal
part in the piece, the whole of his audience (thirty in number), hissed
him whenever he appeared. When the piece ended, he came forward and
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your
kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope
you will be at least _six times_ as many as are here to-night."
CC.--NOVEL OFFENCE.
COOKE and Dibdin went, at a tolerably steady quick-step, as far as the
middle of Greek Street, when Cooke, who had passed his hand along all
the palisades and shutters as he marched, came in contact with the
recently-painted new front of a coachmaker's shop, from which he
obtained a complete handful of wet color. Without any explanation as to
the cause of his anger, he rushed suddenly into the middle of the
street, and raised a stone to hurl against the unoffending windows; but
Dibdin was in time to save them from destruction, and him from the
watch-house. On being asked the cause of his hostility to the premises
of a man who could not have offended him, he replied, with a hiccup,
"what! not offend? A ---- ignorant coachmaker, to leave his _house out_,
new-painted, at this time of night!"
CCI.--MEASURING HIS DISTANCE.
A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain
place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How
came you to be so exact, my friend?"--"Because I expected _some fool_ or
other would ask me, and so I measured it."
CCII.--VERY CLEAR.
"WHAT is light?" asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. "A
sovereign that isn't full weight is light," was the prompt reply.
CCIII.--BROTHERLY LOVE.
"AH!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been
preaching to a congregation of asses."--"Then that was the reason why
you always called them _beloved brethren_," replied a strong-minded
lady.
CCIV.--EPIGRAM.
BY a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd,
The electors would find him as good as his word!
"_As good as his word_," did you say, "gracious me!
_What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be_!"
CCV.--MODEST.
IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best
debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, "Lord
Stanley is the _second_, madam."
CCVI.--A JOINT CONCERN.
A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the
performance of a fine anthem, "I think we performed very well
to-day."--"_We_ performed!" answered the organist; "I think it was _I_
performed, or I am much mistaken." Shortly after another celebrated
piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ
stopped; the organist cried out in a passion, "Why don't you blow?" The
fellow popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, "Shall it
be _we_ then?"
CCVII.--PROFESSIONAL.
AN editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding,
replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we
are unable to find room for it."
CCVIII.--A GOOD REASON.
A RICH peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his
domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out
to him by the lawyer. "I shall leave him nothing," said the nobleman,
"because he has _served me_ these twenty years."
CCIX.--ON A BAD MAN.
BY imbecility and fears
Will is restrain'd from doing ill;
His mind a porcupine appears,
A porcupine _without a quill_.
CCX.--A CLEVER DOG.
AFTER witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds,
called the "Caravan," Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on
purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. "Where is he?" was the
first question: "where is my guardian angel?"--"Here I am," answered
Reynolds. "Pooh!" replied Sheridan, "I don't mean _you_, I mean _the
dog_."
CCXI.--A KNOTTY POINT.
THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots _scattered_
through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was
impossible they could have been _collected_.
CCXII.--GEORGE SELWYN.
THIS gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted by the
frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him
with questions and asking him how he did. "How are you now, sir?" said
the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his importunity,
replied, "Very well; and I intend to continue so _all the rest_ of the
journey."
CCXIII.--EMPEROR OF CHINA.
SIR G. STAUNTON related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of
China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians
were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made
to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, "Is any man well in England,
that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you," said he, "how I
manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is
committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am
ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my
illnesses are _usually short_."
CCXIV.--LANDLORD AND TENANTS.
SAYS his landlord to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,
I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good;
For I never can _raise it_ myself."
CCXV.--AN UGLY DOG.
JERROLD had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the
country, a lady who was passing turned round and said, audibly, "What an
ugly little brute!" whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied,
"Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks _about us_ at this moment!"
CCXVI.--THE WRONG LEG.
MATHEWS being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton,
D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of
pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving,
could not find the stuffing. He turned the joint about, but in vain.
Poole was at table, and, in his quiet way, said, "Don't make yourself
unhappy, D'Egville; _perhaps it is in the other leg_."
CCXVII.--FEMALE TALKERS.
IT was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one
side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his
sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the
congregation, of which he was obliged to take notice. A woman
immediately rose, and wishing to clear her own sex from the aspersion,
said: "Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side."--"So
much the better, good woman, so much the better," answered the
clergyman; "it will be the _sooner over_."
CCXVIII.--FIGHTING BY MEASURE.
THE usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen
Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most
likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at
"the place called Fifteen Acres--'be the same more or less.'"
CCXIX.--SUGGESTION.
"DO you know what made my voice so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal
performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. "No," replied the
other. "Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed,
by accident, some train oil."--"I don't think," rejoined Bannister, "it
would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had _swallowed a
dancing-master_!"
CCXX.--THE FORCE OF SATIRE.
JACOB JOHNSON, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of
money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a
message to him, and the following lines, adding, "Tell the dog that he
who wrote these can write more":--
"With leering looks, bull-necked, and freckled face,
With two left legs, and Judas-colored hair,
And frowsy pores, that taint the ambient air!"
Johnson felt the force of the description; and, to avoid, a completion
of the portrait, immediately sent the money.
CCXXI.--THE ANGLO-FRENCH ALLIANCE.
JERROLD was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the
subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see
the English and French such good friends at last. "Tut! the best thing I
know between France and England is--_the sea_," said Jerrold.
CCXXII.--QUIN'S SAYING.
ON the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin
used to say, "Every king in Europe would rise with a _crick in his
neck_."
CCXXIII.--A GOOD REASON.
A CERTAIN minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked
him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied
he, "for mine eyes have not come together these three nights."--"What is
the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," said he, "because _my
nose_ was betwixt them."
CCXXIV.--BILLY BROWN AND THE COUNSELLOR.
WHEN Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury
Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by the name of
Billy Brown, was called upon to give his evidence. Previous to his going
into court, the counsellor, shocked at the shabby dress of the witness,
began to remonstrate with him on this point: "You should have put on
your Sunday clothes, and not think of coming into court covered with
lime and brick-dust; it detracts from the credit of your
evidence."--"_Be cool, Mr. Counsellor_," said Billy, "_only be cool,
you're in your working-dress, and I am in mine; and that's that_."
CCXXV.--THE RULING PASSION AFTER DEATH.
A DRUNKEN witness leaving the box, blurted out, "My Lord, I never cared
for anything but women and horseflesh!" Mr. Justice Maule: "Oh, you
never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to
go home and make your will, or, if you have made it, put a codicil to
it, and direct your executors, as soon as you are dead, to have you
flayed, and to have your skin made into side-saddles, and then, whatever
happens, you will have the satisfaction of reflecting that, after death,
some part of you will be constantly in contact with what, in life, were
the _dearest objects_ of your affections."
CCXXVI.--CUT AND COME AGAIN.
A GENTLEMAN who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who
drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a
charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the
horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he,
"it's _whipcord_ it is!"
CCXXVII.--CALIBAN'S LOOKING-GLASS.
A REMARKABLY ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a
dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a
glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite
neighbor with great effect, said slily, "What, already, Jerrold! Now I
never break a glass."--"I wonder at that," was Jerrold's instant reply,
"you ought whenever _you look in one_."
CCXXVIII.--UNION IS STRENGTH.
A KIND-HEARTED, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north
got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister,
who happened on that day to be rather behind time. "Come down, Jamie,"
said the minister, "that's my place."--"Come ye up, sir," replied Jamie;
"they are a stiff-necked and rebellious generation the people o' this
place, and it will _take us baith_ to manage them."
CCXXIX.--FRENCH PRECIPITATION.
THE late Mr. Pétion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a
knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself
thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely
_two-and-thirty minutes_ in the Old Bailey.
CCXXX.--MAKING IT UP.
AN attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough
provided, upon one occasion when _company_ were expected, he asked if
she had _brothed_ the clerks. She replied that she had done so. "Well
then," said he, "broth 'em _again_."
CCXXXI.--OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.
BUBB DODDINGTON was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner
with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached
Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep;
and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been
saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and
Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well," said Doddington, "and
yet I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep, because I knew
that about this time of day _you would tell that story_."
CCXXXII.--HUMOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
A CRITIC one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated
novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.
"Humor!" exclaimed Jerrold, "why he sweats at a joke, like a Titan at a
thunderbolt!"
CCXXXIII.--EQUALITY.
SOME one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said,
"All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's
Byron, he was a Harrow boy--"--"Yes," interrupted Charles, "and there's
Burns,--he was a _ploughboy_."
CCXXXIV.--QUITE NATURAL.
"DID any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" asked the master of an
infant school in a fast neighborhood.--"_I_ have!" shouted a
six-year-old at the foot of the class. "Where?" inquired old spectacles,
amused by his earnestness. "_On the elephant_!" was the reply.
CCXXXV.--MISER'S CHARITY.
AN illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat,"
but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to
that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks
proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is
_nothing to nobody_."
CCXXXVI.--SHAKING HANDS.
AT a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon
one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should
shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,--"For,"
said he, "their hands have been _shaking_ this half-hour."
CCXXXVII.--MILTON ON WOMAN.
MILTON was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in
the different languages: to which he replied, "No, sir; one tongue is
sufficient for a woman."
CCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
(On bank notes being made a legal tender.)
THE privilege _hard_ money to demand,
It seems but fair the public should surrender;
For I confess I ne'er could understand
Why cash called _hard_, should be a legal _tender_.
CCXXXIX.--A GOOD REASON.
"THAT'S a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes," replied the
old dame, "and _he_ never cries."--"That's because he's never washed,"
rejoined the youngster.
CCXL.--ON FARREN, THE ACTOR.
IF Farren, cleverest of men,
Should go to the right about,
What part of town will he be then?
Why, "Farren-done-without!"
CCXLI.--PADDY'S LOGIC.
"THE sun is all very well," said an Irishman, "but the moon is worth two
of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we _want
it_, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have _no
occasion for it_."
CCXLII.--WARNING TO LADIES.
BEWARE of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have
ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.
CCXLIII.--A MOT OF DE FOE.
WHEN Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was
expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator;
but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have continued the
_Spectator_ than the _Tatler_."
CCXLIV.--A FAIR REPULSE.
AT the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been
taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock, as
at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming
danger; Cumnock, it should be recollected, being on a high situation,
and ten or twelve miles from the coast. "What sort of people are you, up
at Cumnock?" said an Ayr gentleman; "you have not a single
volunteer!"--"Never you heed," says Logan, very quietly; "if the French
land at Ayr, there will soon be _plenty of volunteers up at Cumnock_."
CCXLV.--CLAW AND CLAW.
LORD ERSKINE and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably conceited, were in
the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their
respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he
would write Erskine's epitaph; to which the other replied, that "such an
intention on the doctor's part was almost a temptation to commit
suicide."
CCXLVI.--THE BISHOP AND HIS PORTMANTEAU.
THE other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance
has given rise to the following:--
I have lost my portmanteau--
"I pity your grief;"
It contained all my sermons--
"I pity the thief."
CCXLVII.--FORCE OF NATURE.
S----'S head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the
law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most _empty_ is
generally _uppermost_.
CCXLVIII.--BLOWING A NOSE.
SIR WILLIAM CHERE had a very long nose, and was playing at backgammon
with old General Brown. During this time, Sir William, who was a
snuff-taker, was continually using his snuff-box. Observing him leaning
continually over the table, and being at the same time in a very bad
humor with the game, the general said, "Sir William, blow your
nose!"--"Blow it _yourself_!" said Sir William; "'tis as near you as
me!"
CCXLIX.--TOO CIVIL.
MACKLIN one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a
gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately
before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him.
Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder with his cane, and, with much
seeming civility, requested "that when he saw or heard anything that was
entertaining on the stage, to let him and the gentleman with him know of
it, as at present we must totally depend on _your kindness_." This had
the desired effect,--and the lounger walked off.
CCL.--TORY LIBERALITY.
A CERTAIN anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the
passing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept _open house_, at least,
so we are informed by a person who lately looked in at his windows.
CCLI.--A CAPITAL JOKE.
LORD BRAXFIELD (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the
bar, "You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane
_the waur_ o' a hanging."
CCLII.--PIG-HEADED.