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THE JEST BOOK
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UNIVERSITY PRESS: WELCH, BIGELOW, & CO.
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THE JEST BOOK
THE CHOICEST ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS
SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY
MARK LEMON
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CAMBRIDGE
SEVER AND FRANCIS
1865
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PREFACE.
The Compiler of this new JEST BOOK is desirous to make known that it is
composed mainly of old jokes,--some older than Joe Miller himself,--with
a liberal sprinkling of new jests gathered from books and hearsay. In
the course of his researches he has been surprised to find how many
Jests, Impromptus, and Repartees have passed current, century after
century, until their original utterer is lost in the "mist of ages"; a
Good Joke being transferred from one reputed Wit to another, thus
resembling certain rare Wines which are continually being rebottled but
are never consumed. Dr. Darwin and Sir Charles Lyell, when they have
satisfied themselves as to the _Origin of Species_ and the _Antiquity of
Man_, could not better employ their speculative minds than in
determining the origin and antiquity of the venerable "joes" which have
been in circulation beyond the remembrance of that mythical personage,
"the Oldest Inhabitant."
A true Briton loves a good joke, and regards it like "a thing of
beauty," "a joy forever," therefore we may opine that Yorick's "flashes
of merriment, which were wont to set the table in a roar," when Hamlet
was king in Denmark, were transported hither by our Danish invaders, and
descended to Wamba, Will Somers, Killigrew, and other accredited
jesters, until Mr. Joseph Miller reiterated many of them over his pipe
and tankard, when seated with his delighted auditory at the _Black Jack_
in Clare Market.
Modern Research has been busy with honest Joe's fame, decreeing the
collection of his jests to Captain Motley, who wrote short-lived plays
in the time of the First and Second Georges; but the same false Medium
has affected to discover that Dick Whittington did not come to London
City at the tail of a road wagon, neither was he be-ladled by a cross
cook, and driven forth to Highgate, when Bow Bells invited him to return
and make venture of his Cat, marry Fitzalwyn's daughter, and be thrice
Lord Mayor of London, albeit it is written in City chronicles, that
Whittington's statue and the effigy of his gold-compelling Grimalkin
long stood over the door of New Gate prison-house. We would not have
destroyed the faith of the Rising Generation and those who are to
succeed it in that Golden Legend, to have been thought as wise as the
Ptolemies, or to have been made president of all the Dryasdusts in
Europe. No. Let us not part with our old belief in honest Joe Miller,
but trust rather to Mr. Morley, the historian of Bartlemy Fair, and
visit the Great Theatrical Booth over against the Hospital gate of St.
Bartholomew, where Joe, probably, is to dance "the English Maggot
dance," and after the appearance of "two Harlequins, conclude with a
Grand Dance and Chorus, accompanied with Kettledrums and Trumpets." And
when the Fair is over, and we are no longer invited to "walk up," let us
march in the train of the great Mime, until he takes his ease in his
inn,--the _Black Jack_ aforesaid,--and laugh at his jibes and flashes of
merriment, before the Mad Wag shall be silenced by the great killjoy,
Death, and the jester's boon companions shall lay him in the graveyard
in Portugal Fields, placing over him a friendly record of his social
virtues.
Joe Miller was a fact, and Modern Research shall not rob us of that
conviction!
The compiler of this volume has felt the importance of his task, and
diligently sought how to distinguish true wit from false,--the pure gold
from Brummagem brass. He has carefully perused the Eight learned
chapters on "Thoughts on Jesting," by Frederick Meier, Professor of
Philosophy at Halle, and Member of the Royal Academy of Berlin, wherein
it is declared that a jest "is an extreme fine Thought, the result of a
great Wit and Acumen, which are eminent Perfections of the Soul." ...
"Hypocrites, with the appearance but without the reality of virtue,
condemn from the teeth outwardly the Laughter and Jesting which they
sincerely approve in their hearts; and many sincere virtuous Persons
also account them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, or
erroneous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Persons gives
me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure. But as long
as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament, deep Melancholy,
and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates of real Virtue, so long
they must not take it amiss if, while I revere their Virtue, I despise
their Judgment."
Nor has he disregarded Mr. Locke, who asserts that "Wit lies in an
assemblage of ideas, and putting them together with quickness and
vivacity, whenever can be found any resemblance and congruity whereby to
make up pleasant pictures and agreeable visions of fancy."
Neither has Mr. Addison been overlooked, who limits his definition by
observing that "an assemblage of Ideas productive merely of pleasure
does not constitute Wit, but of those only which to delight add
surprise."
Nor has he forgotten Mr. Pope, who declares Wit "to consist in a quick
conception of Thought and an easy Delivery"; nor the many other
definitions by Inferior hands, "too numerous to mention."
The result of an anxious consideration of these various Opinions, was a
conviction that to define Wit was like the attempt to define Beauty,
"which," said the Philosopher, "was the question of a Blind man"; and
despairing, therefore, of finding a Standard of value, the Compiler of
the following pages has gathered from every available source the Odd
sayings of all Times, carefully eschewing, however, the Coarse and the
Irreverent, so that of the Seventeen Hundred Jests here collected, not
one need be excluded from Family utterance. Of course, every one will
miss some pet Jest from this Collection, and, as a consequence, declare
it to be miserably incomplete. The Compiler mentions this probability to
show that he has not been among the Critics for nothing.
"_The gravest beast is an ass; the gravest bird is an owl;
The gravest fish is an oyster; and the gravest man is a fool_!"
says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his
Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, in the Merry Company he
has brought together.
M.L.
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THE JEST BOOK.
I.--THE RISING SON.
POPE dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many
compliments. "I wonder, Pope," said the prince, "that you, who are so
severe on kings, should be so complaisant to me."--"It is," said the
wily bard, "because I like the lion before his claws are grown."
II.--SOMETHING FOR DR. DARWIN.
SIR WATKIN WILLIAMS WYNNE talking to a friend about the antiquity of his
family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere
mushroom of yesterday. "How so, pray?" said the baronet. "Why,"
continued the other, "when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular
family was shown to me: it filled five large skins of parchment, and
near the middle of it was a note in the margin: '_About this time the
world was created_.'"
III.--A BAD EXAMPLE.
A CERTAIN noble lord being in his early years much addicted to
dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman,
whose food was herbs and his drink water. "What! madam," said he, "would
you have me to imitate a man who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a
fish_?"
IV.--A CONFIRMED INVALID.
A POOR woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length
recognized by the bishop. "Pray, have I not seen you here before?" said
his lordship. "Yes," replied the woman, "I get me conform'd as often as
I can; they tell me it is _good for the rheumatis_."
V.--COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.
LORD CHANCELLOR HARDWICK'S bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to
procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the
dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he
could not suppress, "I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have
got a sow exactly of _your ladyship's size_."
VI.--AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS.
THE following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had
been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:--
"Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames,
And to such arrant nonsense sign your names,
The diamond quit--with me the pencil take,
So shall _your shame_ but short duration make;
For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet,
With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet,
Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell
Who 't was that _wrote so ill!--and loved so well_!"
VII.--NO HARM DONE.
A MAN of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of
his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had
called the other ugly? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then,
I shall soon make up the quarrel."
VIII.--BEARDING A BARBER.
A HIGHLANDER, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to
get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having
shaved him, asked the price of it. "Tippence," said the Highlander. "No,
no," says the shaver; "I'll give you a penny, and if that does not
satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked
what he had to pay. "A penny," says Strap. "I'll gie ye a baubee," says
Duncan, "and if that dinna satisfy ye, _pit on_ my beard again."
IX.--CHANGING HIS COAT.
A WEALTHY merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential
friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded,
by saying, "Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as
it is now too late to part them. But then his condition; how can I
introduce him?"--"Nonsense," replied his companion; "introduce him as a
_Liveryman_ of the _city of London_. _What_ is more honorable?"
X.--GOOD ADVICE.
LADY ---- spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small
beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. "I know no method so
effectual, my lady," replied the butler, "as placing a barrel of _good_
ale by it."
XI.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.
A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
expressed his surprise. "Oh," said one present, "they are
brothers--_brothers-in-law_."
XII.--A SMALL INHERITANCE.
IT was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his
speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of
Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: "It is the little
inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will
leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears; and, to the astonishment of
those present, Mitford, the Solicitor-General, began to weep. "Just look
at Mitford," said a by-stander to Horne Tooke; "what on earth is he
crying for?" Tooke replied, "He is crying to think what a _small_
inheritance Eldon's children are likely to get."
XIII.--A DIFFERENCE.
JERROLD one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who
explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. "I'm
aware of that; you're the Scotchman with the _i-t-c-h_ in your name,"
said Jerrold.
XIV.--THE LIGHT SUBJECT.
THE government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those
who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of
_one fourth_. "This at least," said a sufferer, "may be called, giving
them some _quarter_."
XV.--COMPLIMENTARY.
LORD NORTH, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his
physician after it, "Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some
old acquaintances."--"Who are they, my lord?"--"_My ribs_," replied his
lordship, "which I have not felt for many years until now."
XVI.--A FAIR SUBSTITUTE.
WHEN Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that
probably the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the
honor. "Well, but," said Lord S., "perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like
it."--"Then let the king _knight her_," answered the rough seaman.
XVII.--A CONSTITUTIONAL PUN.
DANIEL PURCELL, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore.
"Upon what subject?" said Daniel. "The king," answered the other. "O,
sir," said he, "the _king_ is no _subject_."
XVIII.--A CONVERT.
A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon,
exclaimed, "This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have
almost a mind to turn _beggar_."
XIX.--INCREDIBLE.
SHERIDAN made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots; these
attracting the notice of some of his friends, "Now guess," said he, "how
I came by these boots?" Many _probable_ guesses then took place. "No!"
said Sheridan, "no, you've not hit it, nor ever will,--I bought them,
and paid for them!"
XX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
IN a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's
allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of
many parents in that respect. "I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you
need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year."--"Yes,
father, I must confess you _allowed_ it; but then it was never paid."
XXI.--SPIRITUAL AND SPIRITUOUS.
DR. PITCAIRN had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church,
probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that
gentleman of having been a warm admirer of _Calvinism_), and seeing the
parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject: "What
makes the man _greet_?" said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him.
"By my faith, sir," answered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too,
if you were in his place, _and had as little to say_."--"Come along with
me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a fellow
to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.
XXII.--A WONDERFUL WOMAN.
WHEN a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her
eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty
to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into "a shock of the
nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in
the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a
nervous complaint, was asked in her turn, "What brought her to
Buxton?"--"I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess;
"for, thank God, I was born before _nerves came into fashion_."
XXIII.--A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER.
SHERIDAN was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman
of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart.
Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed,
"Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a
shilling!" Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and looking
archly at his father said, "Then, sir, you must _borrow_ it." Sheridan
was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.
XXIV.--A WRITTEN CHARACTER.
GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a
large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his
majesty. "The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,"
was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing;
"it will do very well for the _next horse you sell_."
XXV.--WELL MATCHED.
DR. BUSBY, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day
accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal
stature, with, "May I pass to my seat, O Giant?" When the doctor,
politely making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!"--"O, sir," said the
baronet, "my expression alluded to the _size of your intellect_."--"And
my expression, sir," said the doctor, "to the _size of yours_."
XXVI.--A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.
A BUTCHER of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at
a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the
ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes now?" To
which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately replied, "Madam,
the best rump I cannot _sell_ lower than tenpence halfpenny _a pound_."
XXVII.--THREE CAUSES.
THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, _because
he was hot_. "Bring me another," says his companion, "_because I am
cold_." The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out,
"Here, boy, bring me a glass, _because I like it_."
XXVIII.--THE CONNOISSEUR.
A PERSON to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown
one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the
remainder of the University. "My dear sir," replied the connoisseur, "I
am _stone blind_ already."
XXIX.--A SYMBOL.
A SATIRIC poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk
ever afterwards with a stick. "Mr. P. reminds me," says a wag, "of some
of the saints, who are always painted with _the symbols_ of their
martyrdom."
XXX.--THE ONE THING WANTING.
IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her
sister, "I wonder, my dear, you have never made a _match_; I think you
want the _brimstone_";--she replied, "No, not the _brimstone_, only the
_spark_."
XXXI.--A HORSE LAUGH.
A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that
"if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would _bear malice_ like a
_Christian_."
XXXII.--ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.
DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to
reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's
misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you
would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as _I have
covered so many blunders of yours_!"
XXXIII.--A NOVEL COMPLAINT.
A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician
felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"--"Yes," said the patient.
"Do you sleep well?"--"I do."--"Then," said the physician, "I shall give
you something to take away _all that_!"
XXXIV.--A CONJUGAL CAUTION.
SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself
from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun
him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would
certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message
being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband,
who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow alive that
had the impudence!"--"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash," replied the
good man; "you don't know what a man may do _in a passion_."
XXXV.--A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.
IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article:
"Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a _head capitally executed_."
XXXVI.--MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.
A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, "By a
dispute."--"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world said I was
_mad_; I said the world was _mad_, and they _outwitted me_."
XXXVII.--PLEASANT INVITATION.
SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a
gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a
picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day
came to see it, and says it is _a copy_. If any one says so again, I'll
_break his head_. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to
come, and give me _your real opinion of it_?"
XXXVIII.--WELL-BRED HORSE.
"HOW does your new-purchased horse _answer_?" said the late Duke of
Cumberland to George Selwyn. "I _really_ don't know," replied George,
"for I never _asked him a question_."
XXXIX.--"ONE FOR HIS NOB."
A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he
was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every
observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself
to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous in this
wig."--"Nothing but _the head_," was the answer.
XL.--SOUND AND FURY.
A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on
the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the
philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music?
"No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all _noises_, I think music is
the least disagreeable."
XLI.--COME OF AGE.
A YOUNG man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing
to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied
the other; "but I can inform you that _an ass_ is older at twenty than a
man at sixty!"
XLII.--A STRIKING NOTICE.
THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was
pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care,
friend, thou mayest run _thy face_ against _my fist_."
XLIII.--UP IN THE WORLD.
A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father
died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredulous,
another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as
my father was sheriff for the county when his was _hanged_ for
horse-stealing."
XLIV.--REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
WHEN General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his
lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old
beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with
fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage,
the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship, and success to
your honor's honor: for sure I did not _dream_ last night that her
ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a pound of
tobacco."--"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go by the rule of
contrary."--"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must mean,
that your honor will give me _the tea_, and her ladyship _the tobacco_."
XLV.--A DOGGED ANSWER.
BOSWELL, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think
that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet.
"I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a _dog_ in the town
but what thinks so."
XLVI.--VISIBLE DARKNESS.
A GENTLEMAN at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to
render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a
couple of _decent_ candles to _see_ how these others _burn_."
XLVII.--HIC-CUPPING.
A GENTLEMAN, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner
introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning to Swift
addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, hæc,
hoc, with you."--"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy to
comply, but it must be out of a _hujus_ glass."
XLVIII.--WORDS THAT BURN.
DR. ROBERTSON observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the
righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes,"
exclaimed Burke, "_oil of vitriol_!"
XLIX.--PASSING THE BOTTLE.
FOOTE being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord,
he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle
at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand,
he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if _the
bottle was passed so quickly_, not one of them would be able to stand
out the evening."
L.--"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.
MR. ROGERS was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis
whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight,
"Will you, Sir Philip,--will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a
single question?"--"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic
answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked
him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether
he is _Junius_; but, if he be, he is certainly _Junius Brutus_."
LI.--A WEAK WOMAN.
A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe
for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash them," said the
doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks after,
the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your wife
followed my advice?"--"She has done everything in her power to do it,
doctor"; said the spouse, "but she never could get the glass _higher
than her mouth_."
LII.--TOO MANY COOKS.
ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one servant, your
work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three,
you may _do it yourself_."
LIII.--LOOK IN HIS FACE.
ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
when he is afraid? _I need not ask how he looks_."
LIV.--NOTHING BUT THE "BILL."
JOHN HORNE TOOKE'S opinion upon the subject of law was admirable. "Law,"
he said, "ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, to be
easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor." A person observed
to him, how excellent are the English laws, because they are impartial,
and our courts of justice are open to all persons without distinction.
"And so," said Tooke, "is the _London Tavern_, to such as can afford to
_pay for their entertainment_."
LV.--AN EXTINGUISHER.
WHILE Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight,
with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came
running to him, and cried out, "Sir, our ship is on fire very near the
powder magazine."--"Then pray, friend," said the commodore, not in the
least degree discomposed, "_run back and assist in putting it out_."
LVI.--A BAD SHOT.
A COCKNEY being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to
fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The
shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. "Did you fire at
me, sir?" he hastily asked. "O! no, sir," said the shrewd sportsman, "I
_never hit_ what I fire at."
LVII.--WISE PRECAUTION.
IT is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure
hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful
and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching; upon which he
suddenly stopped: "My boys," said he, "let us be _grave_: here comes a
_fool_."
LVIII.--A TRUMP CARD.
AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago,
Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess
observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous
than the rage for play among men. "In short, you think," said Mr.
Rogers, "that _clubs_ are worse than _diamonds_." This joke excited a
laugh; and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following
_impromptu_ sermonet--most appropriately _on a card_:--
Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades,"
Unmindful of that _Knave of Spades_,
The Sexton and his Subs:
How foolishly we play our parts!
Our _wives_ on _diamonds_ set their _hearts_,
_We_ set our _hearts_ on _clubs_!
LIX.--MISTAKEN IDENTITY.
A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of
guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but
one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, "I believe,
madam," said he, "I have _dropt a guinea_."--"No, sir," replied the
lady, "it is I that have _dropt it_."
LX.--ALONE IN HIS GLORY.
A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the
latter told him he was no "gentleman."--"Are _you_ a gentleman?" asked
the droll one. "Yes, sir," bounced the fop. "Then, I am very glad _I am
not_," replied the other.
LXI.--A CAPITAL LETTER.
DR. LLOYD, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by
his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor
Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church
said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt _Prophet_ with an F.
LXII.--A GOOD PARSON.
DR. HICKRINGAL, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains,
whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his
faults from the pulpit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall,
and said to him, "Doctor, what have I done to you that you are always
quarrelling with me?"--"I hope your Majesty is not angry with me," quoth
the doctor, "for telling the truth."--"No, no," says the king, "but I
would have us for the future be friends."--"Well, well," quoth the
doctor, "I will make it up with your Majesty on these terms,--as _you
mend I'll mend_."
LXIII.--SUBTRACTION AND ADDITION.
A CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf,
and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that
he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of
dough, "you will have _the less to carry_."--"True," replied the lad,
and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker
called after him that he had not left money enough. "Never mind that,"
said young sooty, "you will have _the less to count_."
LXIV.--THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES.
LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his
acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the
justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened
one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the
ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he
met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality: "That I
will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lordship remember me?
My name's John ----; I have had the honor to be before your lordship for
stealing sheep?"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife?
she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them
to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got
off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher
trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honor of
_meeting again_."
LXV.--A LATE EDITION.
IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the
manuscript of a friend, the answer, "That it would be read when Homer
and Virgil were forgotten, _but not till then_."
LXVI.--VERSES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND.
SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife,
Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife;
So termagant awhile her thunder tries,
And when she can no longer scold, she cries.
LXVII.--THREE TOUCHSTONES.
AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--"The goodness of gold
is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men
by the ordeal of women."
LXVIII.--A DIALOGUE.
_Pope._
SINCE my old friend is grown so great,
As to be minister of state,
I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope)
That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope.
_Craggs._
ALAS! if I am such a creature,
To grow the worse for growing greater,
Why, faith, in spite of all my brags,
'Tis Pope must be ashamed of Craggs.
LXIX.--BEAR AND VAN.
THE facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, "Your name
is such a long one, I shall drop the _sittart_, and call you _Van_ for
the future."--"With all my heart," said he: "by the same rule, I shall
drop _croft_, and call you _Bear_!"
LXX.--EPITAPH FOR SIR JOHN VANBRUGH.
LIE heavy on him, Earth! for he
Laid many heavy loads on thee!
LXXI.--PROVING THEIR METAL.
WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to
this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower
declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the
measures. Upon which Dryden said, that "the seven golden candlesticks
them proved _prince's metal_."
LXXII.--A DISTANT PROSPECT.
THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may
be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no
very pleasing scenery. Porson, walking that way with a friend, and
observing the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a
_fellowship_, which was a long dreary walk, with a church _at the end of
it_."
LXXIII.--SOUND SLEEPER.
A MAN meeting his friend, said, "I spoke to you last night in a
dream."--"Pardon me," replied the other, "I did not _hear you_."
LXXIV.--A CHEAP CURE.
"PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent and
luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, and _earn it_!" was the
pithy answer.
LXXV.--EPIGRAM.
YOU say, without reward or fee,
Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill;
I say he never did prescribe for me,
The proof is plain,--_I'm living still_.
LXXVI.--A GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION.
SEVERAL young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of
representation one of the performers took it into his head to make an
excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hobhouse came forward to
apologize to the audience, and told them that _a_ Mr. ---- had declined
to perform his part. The gentleman was highly indignant at the "_a_,"
and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies, who
replied that he supposed Mr. ---- wanted to be called _the_ Mr.
So-and-so. He ever afterwards went by the name of the "_Definite
Article_."
LXXVII.--A BANKER'S CHECK.
ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he wrote
very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:--
"They say he has no heart, and I deny it:
He has a heart, and--_gets his speeches by it_."
LXXVIII.--A FILLIP FOR HIM.
THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just
made a speech of more poetry than law, "Poor young man, he has studied
the _wrong Phillips_."
LXXIX.--BLACK OILS.
"WHAT'S the matter?" inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected
around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put
on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted.
"Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, "pressing a poor
negro _to get oil_."
LXXX.--A BAD CROP.
A SEEDSMAN being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language
respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the line
of his profession--to promote business, he wished to _sow sedition_.
LXXXI.--A GRAVE DOCTOR.
COUNSELLOR CRIPS being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company,
a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner
being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his
surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is
but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his _old patients_."
LXXXII.--WASTE POWDER.
DR. JOHNSON being asked his opinion of the title of a very small volume
remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to placing
an eight-and-forty pounder at the _door of a pigsty_."
LXXXIII.--THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.
AS a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a
very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so
sorrowful. "Alas!" said he, "I am in a state of insolvency."--"Well,"
said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your
_creditors_, who ought to wear a woful countenance."
LXXXIV.--BLACK AND WHITE.
DURING the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition,
setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one
evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary
legislative wisdom."--"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was
for the Irish that they were not _born black_! They would then have had
plenty of friends in both houses."
LXXXV.--HOME IS HOME.
"I LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I
don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a _sty_
in them when I saw her last."
LXXXVI.--A LIGHT STUDY.
AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in
front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said,
"Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"--"No, sir," replied the
alderman, "I am studying _gas-tronomy_."
LXXXVII.--A CLIMAX.
A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were
numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I hope
you'll mend."--"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is _my last
folly_."
LXXXVIII.--SIMPLE DIVISION.
WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be
examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the
chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"--"Does your lordship
mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?"--"Is it
not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord
Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a
dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are
but _two legs of mutton_."
LXXXIX.--HERO-PHOBIA.
WHEN George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe,
some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is he!" said
the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would _bite_ some other
of my generals."
XC.--LYING CONSISTENTLY.
TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same
desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a
New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to know
how _old_ we are to be this year."
XCI.--NOT RIGHT.
A PRISONER being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was
told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up
his left hand. "Hold up your _right_ hand," said the clerk. "Please your
honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am
_left-handed_."
XCII.--LIGHT-HEADED.
DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his
victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was shortly
after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From
his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his
portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Before
retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice,
having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it
in flames; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned
them with the following lines:--
"Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire,
I would not retain it a minute;
What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's _fire_,
Is sure to be instantly _in it_."
XCIII.--"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."
A PERSON who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked
if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the
possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as
little of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European."
XCIV.--HAND AND GLOVE.
A DYER, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that
was all black; "Take off your _glove_, friend," said the judge to him.
"Put on your _spectacles_, my lord," answered the dyer.
XCV.--VAST DOMAIN.
A GENTLEMAN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call
him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could
make your words good, I should then be the _greatest_ monarch in the
world."
XCVI.--MONEY RETURNED.
A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to
fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such," said
he, "I _had_ it, and to such I _give_ it again."
XCVII.--CHEESE AND DESSERT.
TWO city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a
cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the
cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the
grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping
before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after _cheese_."
XCVIII.--VERY POINTED.
SIR JOHN HAMILTON, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of
the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was
impossible to touch him anywhere without _pricking_ one's fingers.
XCIX.--"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."
A GENTLEMAN who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for
several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port
placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. "Please
your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge me." The gentleman
began, "One bottle _port_, one _ditto_, one _ditto_, one
_ditto_,"--"Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are
cheating you. I know I had some bottles of their _port_, but I did not
taste a drop of their _ditto_."
C.--COMPUTATION.
AN Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before
three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other
two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the
occasion. "Well, now," says he, "I have lost. But who could help it,
when there were an hundred judges on the bench?--_one_ and _two
ciphers_."
CI.--PRIMOGENITURE.
AN Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish
kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful
appearance, while _his son_ was depicted with a long beard, and wore the
traits of extreme old age. "Sancta Maria," exclaimed the good Hibernian,
"is it possible that this gentleman was an _old man_ when his father
_was born_!!"
CII.--CHECK TO THE KING.
ONE day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of
this assertion: "I never knew a modest man make his way at court." To
this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: "And,
please your majesty, _whose fault is that_?" The king was struck, and
remained silent.
CIII.--A FALL IN MITRES.
ONE of the wooden _mitres_, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's
stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose,
Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether
he should make it fast: "For, perhaps," said Jessy, "it may fall on your
reverence's head."--"Well! Jessy," answered the humorous Cantab,
"suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that _a mitre falling on
my head_ would hurt it."
CIV.--FALSE DELICACY.
A PERSON, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did
not like to be thought a scoundrel. "I wish," replied Peter, "that you
had as great a dislike _to being a scoundrel_."
CV.--A BAD HARVEST.
THERE was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to
an idler, who boasted his ancient family: "So much the worse for you,"
said the peasant; "as we ploughmen say, '_the older the seed the worse
the crop_.'"
CVI.--PROOF IMPRESSION.
MR. BETHEL, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in
debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the
subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four
Courts, and in a friendly way, said, "Zounds! Bethel, I wonder you never
told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw
contained some of the best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon
the subject."--"I'm very proud you think so," said the other, rubbing
his hands with satisfaction; "and pray, what are the things that pleased
you so much?"--"Why," replied Lysaght, "as I passed by a pastry-cook's
shop this morning, I saw a girl come out with three _hot mince-pies_
wrapped up in one of your works."
CVII.--NECK OR NOTHING.
A RIGHT reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was
frequently much vexed in the spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and
untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence much
longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly
inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that
he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate
_stiffness_ in his _knee_. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate;
"'tis a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a
long time thought it _immovably settled_ in your NECK."
CVIII.--ARCADIA.
A FARM was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of
the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air were
detailed in the richest flow of rural description, which was further
enhanced with this,--N.B. There is not _an attorney_ within fifteen
miles of the neighborhood.
CIX.--QUITE PERFECTION.
A PAINTER in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed
on the front of his house: "The Acme of Stencil!" A "learned Theban" in
the same line in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the "old
original" stenciller, thus set forth his pretensions: "Stencilling in
all its branches performed in the very height _of acme_!"
CX.--THE LATE MR. COLLINS.
COLLINS the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom
he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he had come _a
day after the fair_.
CXI.--A FAMILY PARTY.
A CERTAIN lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman
who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she
said, "La, sir, we haven't a _single_ bug in the house."--"No ma'am,"
said he, "they're all _married_, and have large families too."
CXII.--CALF'S HEAD SURPRISED.
A STUPID person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures
of the table, said, "So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the
greatest delicacies."--"Why not," replied the other, "do you think
Providence intended all the _good things_ for fools?"
CXIII.--POPPING THE QUESTION.
A GIRL forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man,
whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service
where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her
husband, said, with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the
first person who has asked _my opinion_ about the matter."
CXIV.--SCANDALOUS.
IT was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's
tables, that he never _opened his mouth_ but at another man's expense.
CXV.--THE PRINCE OF ORANGE AND JUDGE JEFFERIES.
WHEN Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land,
and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &c., was already
written, "Pray, my Lord Chief Justice," said a gentleman present, "what
do you think will be the heads of this manifesto?"--"_Mine_ will be
one," replied he.
CXVI.--MODEST REQUEST.
A GENTLEMAN travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road,
who begged the favor of him to put his great coat, which he found very
heavy, into his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman; "but
if we should not be travelling to the same place, how will you get your
coat?"--"Monsieur," answered the man with great _naïveté_, "_I shall be
in it_."
CXVII.--CAP THIS.
SIR THOMAS MORE, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit
to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the
headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; "Ah! friend," said he,
taking off his cap, "that, I think, is my _upper_ garment."
CXVIII.--A PRETTY METAPHOR.
A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town,
to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, "She has
turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea."
CXIX.--ON A STONE THROWN AT A VERY GREAT MAN, BUT WHICH MISSED HIM.
TALK no more of the lucky escape of the _head_
From a flint so unluckily thrown;
I think very diff'rent, with thousands indeed,
'Twas a lucky escape for the _stone_.
CXX.--A MAN OF LETTERS.
WHEN Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a
porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was
asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title.
"Sir," says he, "I'd have you know, I had the honor of _chalking_ number
45 upon every door between Temple Bar and Hyde Park-corner."
CXXI.--WELSH WIG-GING.