[Illustration]
_Views after Breakfast._--Now to lay down the lines for my Drama....
Eleven--and the only lines I have laid down, as yet, are "Act I., Scene
I!" I must stimulate my imagination by the sight of salt water.
_On the Sands._--Dense crowd. Deafening noise. Penny bagpipes, comb and
paper. Italian girls with accordion, trumpet from sailing-boat. "'Ere
y'are for a jolly sail out, Sir!"--which happens to be just the precise
thing I am _not_ here for. Nor (I should have thought) do I look the
kind of person likely to buy that "strong and emusing toy, one penny,
the little Chinese Bandalore"--but these fellows have no eye for
character. Several shoeblacks very anxious to black my boots, which, as
I tell them, would be "painting the lily." Don't think they understand
me. Stop thoughtlessly to look at a cage containing a tree-frog and two
Japanese rats. Proprietor approaches with plate: "This little Jubilee
Menagerie open free to the Public," he says--"we ope the Public will
respond by a similar liberality." Well, well, if I must--but it really
was _not_ worth a penny.
Join a crowd: a conjuror--good, I am fond of conjuring. Conjuror now
going to introduce his "celebrated and favourite Shell-trick." Crowd
very obligingly make way for me--capital place in front row. Conjuror
takes a large Nautilus shell. I have never seen this trick--it looks a
good one.... It appears this is his way of making a collection--he comes
to me first. He is sure, he says (he is an impudent dog), that I shall
feel hurt if he passes _me_ over. No change. He begs me not to get
flurried--sooner than deprive me of the pleasure of patronising him,
_he_ will give me change--he does. This is the end of the performance.
Singular how depressed I feel by this petty incident. Blazers in great
force on the sands. Teasing half-offended nursemaids, playing penny
"nap" on newspapers, or lying in pits scooped out of sand, with their
heads on the laps of their fair ones, or pursuing the fair ones, and
putting sand down their backs.
[Illustration: Charing-Cross.]
Most flourishing institution on the Beach is certainly Phrenology. No
less than three little platforms, each with a Consulting Chair, a table,
on which stands a meek bust, and a canvas awning overhead, and row of
garden-seats (free) in front. Have long wished to gain insight into this
Science. Think there certainly is something in it. As a Blazer near me
remarks, "Why, you'd say Cocoa-nuts looked all alike, till you come to
see there's differences--and it's the same with 'eds." Cockney tone
about this. To find his proper station, I should have to go, I fancy, to
Charing Cross, Cannon Street, or Waterloo.
[Illustration: Canon's Treat.]
Find a Lady-Professor on first platform giving a "delineation" of a live
subject--a turnip-headed little boy of three, who sits with his tongue
out, under the impression he is at the Doctor's. "His self-will is
strong," she is announcing in Sibylline accents to his proud parents,
"and I should say you would find him very strong-willed. I should check
it by curbing his will. Conjugality large, and therefore we may say that
he will be fond of his wife and of his home. Self-esteem only moderate.
It will be useless to bring up this little boy to any trade or business
of a mechanical kind, unless he developes an after-taste for it, which I
do not say he may not--far from it. But he has a brain which will fit
him for great success in some artistic profession. Give him colours and
a brush, and you will see he will immediately commence to
paint--likewise draw. Or he has an organ with which he can be a great
Composer, if you care to develope him that way. Or he would write books
or poetry--that would come very easy to him, he would have no difficulty
in doing it at all. I think that is all with this subject."
[Illustration: Water-loo.]
Pass on to Professor PODDER. Venerable gentleman with dark grey beard,
and a certain ponderous playfulness. He has got a subject too--a pretty
little impish girl of eight, who is struggling to suppress a fit of the
giggles. "This is a thoughtful little one we 'ave here," he says,
patting her hair in a fatherly way. "She thinks. Turns over things in
her mind. Reflects. Compares. Memory for dates moderate. She will be
fond of her home, fond of her parents. She will be capable of passing in
an examination--if she takes pains. She finds no difficulty in doing
anything that comes easy to her." (_Here the patient giggles._) "There is
one thing I should like to see--a little more Veneration. Where
Veneration should be I find a distinct depression. This young lady has a
keen sense of the ridiculous. Easily detects what is ridiculous." (_Here
the subject breaks into a scream of laughter by way of corroboration._)
"I have done, young lady. Now, we have a nice large audience--I hope
some other subject will oblige us by stepping up. We like to see one
coming up briskly after another, you know. We don't like to be idle."
His eye seems glancing in my direction. Off to hear Professor SKITTLES.
He is a bony, lantern-jawed young man, in velveteen jacket, with a
puggaree round his hat. As I come up, he is delineating a lady of
portentous plainness, who sits and sniggers with a dreadful bashfulness.
"This young lady has a large and powerful brain," he says--"plenty of
Wit and Humour, Thoughtfulness and Consideration for Others, Caution,
and Memory for Events that impress her strongly. Her Social Brain is
large; she is fond of Society, and likes to see others enjoying
themselves. Thinks more of others' happiness than her own. We should
like to see a little more 'ope."
This Professor, I find, enjoys the highest reputation; he measures more,
for one thing, and has an Assistant, who enters all the measurements in
a ledger, which naturally inspires confidence. The Lady delineator, I
also hear, does not think it necessary to measure so much, and is of
opinion that Professor SKITTLES "studies too hard."
[Illustration: Tennis-Sun and Miltin'.]
New subject; quite a typical 'ARRY, round back, hock-bottle shoulders,
has shambled up, and taken the chair. No forehead nor chin worth
mentioning; but, as he removes his hat (which he puts on the bust), a
tall crest of yellow hair starts up like a trick wig. Professor measures
him solemnly as he sits with a crooked grin.
"The measurement of this brain is rather below the average," says the
lecturer, forbearingly. "Here we have a brain measuring only eighteen
and three-quarter inches. A very tall and narrow head. You would find
that this gentleman arrives at his ideas without conscious reflection,
or exercise of thought." (_'ARRY looks gratified._) "He takes a strong
and deep interest in religious subjects." (_Derisive "hor-hor!" from
'ARRY._) "Language strong. He will find no difficulty in putting what he
wishes to say into language with considerable fluency, though perhaps
not with much variety. Great Firmness and Benevolence. The Moral Brain
is large, and your moral standard"--("_My_ what?" _interrupts 'ARRY,
with a suspicious cock of his eye_)--"Your moral standard is high."
("Right!" _says 'ARRY, mollified, and seance terminates_.)
These delineators certainly put things very agreeably. One might get
some useful hints, too. If Professor SKITTLES could tell me whether I am
most poetic, or witty, or dramatic, I should know exactly what to aim at
in my Nautical Drama. I have never been able to decide which I love the
best--TENNYSON, MILTON, or CAMPBELL. And, after what he found to say
about 'ARRY----but it is all so very public, I don't think I _could_
bring myself to do it--I will go on....
[Illustration: Cam-belle.]
I hardly know exactly how I came here--but here I am on the platform,
sitting in the Professor's chair. He is measuring me with a sliding
scale, the brass end of which feels cold against my forehead. Curious
sensation, as if I was upside down at a Bootmaker's. Sun in my eyes.
Tittering from girls on benches in front.
A party of Blazers has just come up--I fear in a frivolous spirit. Begin
to wish now I had had this done privately.
* * * * *
THE LAND OF THE 'ARRY'UNS.--'Am'stead 'Eath.
* * * * *
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