Rather alarmed by reading in paper about "explosive buttons." Seems
that combs, collars, cuffs, buttons and things made to imitate ivory
and tortoiseshell are really highly combustible. Lady in West of
England had her dress ignited by sudden explosion of a "fancy" button!
In consequence, advise my wife "to use that new hairbrush I gave her
very gingerly, or she'll be blown up." She wants to know "why I didn't
find that out before buying it." Difficult to find suitable reply.
Result--nobody blown up so far, except myself.
Combing my few remaining locks. No harm in comb, I suppose, as maker
assured me it was "only made of celluloid." Comb suddenly driven a
couple of inches into my head, with loud report! In bed for three
weeks. Write to maker, who says, "Didn't I know celluloid was mixture
of camphor and gun-cotton?" No, I didn't.
Playing billiards, when sufficiently recovered. Just executing
fiftieth spot-stroke in succession, when--an explosion! Cue driven out
of my hand, and half-way down marker's throat. Turns out that ball was
a mixture of Turkish Delight and nitroglycerine, and objected to my
hitting it. Marker brings action, and gets damages out of me.
Little later. New fancy waistcoat. Buttons like pearl. Rub one, to
give extra polish--Bang!--explosion. Where am I? In the middle of next
week, on which date I write this.
* * * * *
CON. BY A WELSHER.--Why has Wales more Clerks than England?--Because
it has a _Penman more_.
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