1. To become a dancer I would have to study the dance for a minimum

of five years; during that time I would have to practice dancing for

about eight hours a day. Could I take this discipline?

2. If my mind were able to take such discipline would my body be able

to stand up under such arduous work?

3. If I were able to arrange it would I be willing to give up my daily

contact and relationship with my three children?

4. If I overcame every obstacle and became a well-known dancer,

achieving my wildest dream of success, I would have to go on tour for

at least eight months of the year; this would mean separation from my

husband and children during that time. Do I want this? Even if I do,

could I take it emotionally?

The answers to these questions were obviously passionate noes. And

the result of such a common-sensical examination of her long-standing

fantasy was, at long length, freedom from it.

It will not take much logical thought to dispose of your daydreams,

thus clearing the way to a life in the passionate present rather than

in a mythical future. Ask yourself the kinds of questions indicated

above and give yourself honest answers.

* * * * *

In giving the case histories of women suffering from the various forms

and degrees of frigidity, I have described to some extent the early

origins of their problems. I should now like to raise the question of

just how much knowledge of one’s early, often buried, experiences one

must uncover to achieve feminine maturity.

In my opinion, the majority of women suffering from frigidity do _not_

have to go into the matter of their childhood experiences to any extent

at all. The evidence that their childhood experiences were traumatic to

some degree is contained in the fact that they do have problems in the

present. It is always the immediate problem about which people develop

their deepest and strongest emotions. The technique of “feeling” one’s

way through one’s problem is, as I have said, the method that really

works with frigidity; it is one’s present emotions, therefore, that

constitute the major material of one’s self-examination.

Actually understanding present feelings and attitudes reveals the past,

for it was in the past that these attitudes were established; they have

changed very little since their inception.

Why, then, did I go into the detailed childhood development of

frigidity in my case histories? For the same reason that I gave all

the other objective facts about frigidity before we approached this

section. The more conscious knowledge one has of the entire problem

of frigidity, the more one dares to face up to the responsibility for

one’s own problem--and the more one is _able_ to face up to it also.

For knowledge can free one of the ignorance and superstition upon which

resistance to achieving psychic maturity is based.

I am not, on the other hand, holding that there is any fundamental

objection to a scrutiny of early experiences or to helpful speculation

about them. Sometimes, as in the case of an early seduction, or a

rape that is remembered, early experiences can throw a therapeutic

sidelight on one’s present feelings. However, the myriad details that

go into the formation of everyone’s personality while growing up can be

confusing if one tries to understand them all without the help of an

expert guide; and it is not requisite for recovery to understand them

all. So if self-examination of one’s early experiences does not seem to

be immediately helpful, I would abandon it entirely; I would confine

myself to a “feeling through” of my problem in the present, undoing the

harm the childhood attitudes are still causing in the here and now.

The steps for achieving insight into one’s negative emotions which I

recommend here are the most difficult steps one has to take on the road

to maturity. If you can take them, the hardest part will be over. The

remaining part of the process of recovery occurs rather naturally, is a

matter of acquiring more information, allowing new feelings to grow and

expand inside oneself, accepting guidance past a few possible pitfalls.

You will see what I mean as we continue in the following chapters.

_Chapter 15_

THE MALE SEX: A NEW HORIZON

The self-exploration described in the last chapter results in the

surfacing of hidden feelings, attitudes, and fantasies. Getting them

up and out, exposing them to the bright light of reason and judgment,

clears the psychological atmosphere almost miraculously.

The next most helpful step to take, I have found, is a re-evaluation of

the male sex. The woman who suffers from frigidity has, by definition,

very little knowledge of what men are really like. Since her attitudes

toward men were formed in her distant past and have altered little

through the years, she has a child’s-eye view of men. To her, as

parents to a child, men are powers, not people. Projecting her own

childhood fears and hopes and needs upon them, she has been calling

that reality and acting accordingly.

This next step, the conscious revaluation of men, can be achieved by

learning what the male sex is really like--how it differs from the

female sex, what makes men think, act, and feel the way they do in

everyday life--and by contrasting this knowledge with the negative

attitudes and feelings she has now brought to the surface of her mind.

In this way she will soon learn to understand her husband _as he is_,

and thus achieve the ability to love him in all of his uniqueness and

individuality.

The central characteristic of the male, and the one that most clearly

differentiates him from the female, is his aggressiveness.

In the sexual sphere this shows itself most clearly in the fact that

the man takes, for the most part, the initiative in wooing. He it is

who is the pursuer, the girl the pursued; he it is who proposes and he

it is who initiates sex.

An analogy to this fundamentally aggressive activity of the male in

relationship to the female is seen, in a primordial biological form, by

the function of his sperm. As you may know, the individual spermatozoon

is an individual cell which is propelled by a microscopic tail.

After the deposit of spermatozoa in the vagina, the individual sperm

_actively_ seeks out and joins the ova, which has been _passively_

waiting for it. This physiological metaphor, according to certain

leading theoreticians, well expresses the fundamentally aggressive

nature of man in relationship to woman, psychologically as well as

sexually.

The male’s aggressiveness is, in general, directed to mastery of the

outside world. It shows in him from his earliest years. The sports that

he selects have to do with physical aggression almost exclusively (of

course some girls also like certain aggressive sports at an early age,

but most give them up in puberty). He likes the sports in which he has

to run hard, to charge, to tackle, throw, and hit. In his adolescence

he will spend years in mastering skills that concern such aggressive

activity. A component of this aggressive desire for mastery is his

competitiveness with other boys. He wishes to be as good or better than

they are, to make his mastery known to the outside world.

In the mental sphere, too, this basic aggressiveness is clearly

displayed. His chief passion is in mastering the outward environment

that surrounds him, in, to use a phrase from football, “throwing

it for a loss.” This desire leads him to become a scientist to

control-through-knowing some aspect of the world or even of the

universe. Or it leads him to become a businessman, wresting a living

from the competitive market place. Or it may lead him to become a

philosopher, aggressively probing the “why” of the world. Whatever role

he plays in life, he must use his aggression to master the environment

he selects as his province.

Because of this basic thrusting aggression which largely defines his

role in life, a boy is generally given a larger amount of freedom than

a girl is. One reason for this is that the male role in life will

demand a great deal of self-reliance in the individual, and this has

been recognized by society. Men need the protection of the childhood

home for a much less protracted period than women do.

In contrast to men, women have a much smaller store of aggression

directed toward the outside world. Their activity is largely directed

inward. Psychologically speaking, woman is, in a very real sense,

conditioned by her final biological function. At the very center of

her nature she is preparing herself for motherhood, and this fact

determines the main direction of her psychic energy. Her childhood

interests show this clearly. She plays with dolls, she plays house,

loves to be around Mother, fantasies marriage, is enormously curious

about all of her internal functions. She has, of course, a certain

store of interest and aggression which she _can_ direct outward, but

this characteristic becomes very secondary to her when inward or

outward circumstances do not force her to use it.

Intellectually woman is also basically inward. Her most potent faculty

is her great intuition, her almost magical ability to understand

another person by consulting her own inward nature. This is contrasted

to man’s objective “intellectual” type of understanding.

In describing the essential characterological structure of the male

and contrasting it with the female I am describing absolute types,

not people as they are. In actuality most men have a certain store

of passivity, of inwardness; and normal women have a certain amount

of aggression. However, the normal male will be preponderantly

outgoing and aggressive; the normal female’s psychic energies will be

preponderantly directed inward.

As a direct or indirect result of man’s aggression and his commitment

to the outside world, in maturity he develops certain behavioristic

patterns that are diametrically opposite to female characteristics.

Inevitably the frigid woman will use his attributes to show that her

man has no interest in her, or is weak, or is withdrawn, or is cruel

and wishes to exploit her. Having no objectivity about men, she will

find in his differences from her further cause for estrangement, fear,

and hostility.

Let me give some instances of these behavioristic differences in

everyday life.

To the woman, the bearer of children and the nest-maker, the home and

everything in it are all-important. She invests her home with a great

deal of pride. She loves clean sinks, clean windows, clean floors. She

wants things in her nest to be neat and orderly; she has made them that

way and she wants them to stay that way.

It will be very easy for her to misunderstand the fact that her husband

has invested a major portion of his pride elsewhere: in his work, in

his achievements in the outside world. The cleanliness and neatness of

his home he takes for granted. He may even be, by his wife’s standards,

seemingly antagonistic to neatness, actually sloppy, throwing his

clothes around, leaving the sink cluttered, forgetting to use the ash

tray, and what not. These things, of course, are not in themselves

pleasant traits, but the frigid woman will generalize about them, use

them to indicate her man’s essential indifference to her.

He may also not notice a new rug or even a new chair in the house. He

may have very small patience with any household duties he is forced to

undertake: replacing a broken step or even a burned-out bulb. These

attitudes can be quite confusing to a woman, and if she has any motive

to do so she can easily interpret this kind of male behavior as further

evidence of her husband’s indifference to her and to the family. It is

not; when it occurs it is just male. It may be helpful to her to try

to imagine how long her interest in the details of his business life

actually hold her attention. The house is her business, and it is not

surprising that he behaves the way he does in it, nor is it indicative

of any lack of love in him.

Another aspect of man that can be easily misinterpreted is the fact

that the male tends to be more sociable, likes to seek out and find a

vigorous and sometimes quite varied social life. This, too, is part of

his aggressive nature. A woman, though she may be quite gregarious,

is generally more content to sit at home, and her immediate circle of

friends is enough for her. The frigid woman may try to make much of

her husband’s aggressive sociability. She is not enough for him; he is

restless and dissatisfied, etc.

The vigor and aggressiveness of a man during the course of a social

evening are also often misunderstood by women. He may on occasions

be quiet, but he sometimes wants to do a great deal of the talking,

may even, in his enthusiasm, raise his voice in a conversation. His

competitiveness may even embroil him in an actual argument, perhaps

a violent one. The woman likes things to run smoothly, to be utterly

friendly and tranquil. Her husband’s normal social aggressiveness can

appear to be rude and crude to her. It can frighten her. Afterward she

may confront him with it, accusing him of strutting, of showing off,

of cock-of-the-walk behavior. She is merely confronting him with his

maleness again.

A very odd difference between men and women is the difference in their

reactions to pain and fatigue. Women have a very high threshold for

both, and most men have a relatively low one. If a woman gets a burn on

her hand she can stick it in butter or in cold water and go on making

the dinner. A man with the same burn could be completely incapacitated

for a while--and awfully angry at himself besides. The same is true

of all sorts of minor aches and illnesses that occur in the normal

course of events. Because of this difference in pain thresholds, men

tend to pamper themselves or want to be pampered when they have head

colds, headaches, sore throats, or other minor illnesses that a woman

might ignore. The frigid woman, of course, finds this difference a

rich mine to work. She can and does use it to taunt her husband with

his “weakness,” again showing her essential ignorance of and lack of

sympathy with the male nature.

Of course sex itself remains one of the most fruitful sources for

resentment and misunderstanding in the frigid woman. Here male

aggression can be most clearly seen. The man is stimulated easily by

things that would not excite his woman in the least. He is susceptible

erotically to all sorts of sights, sounds, and odors. His wife

undressing may excite him; her perfume may excite him; he may become

aroused if she is looking wan or looking bright-eyed. The frigid woman,

not comprehending male reactions or their plural causes, generally

feels that his lust is unselective and impersonal. She takes his ardor

as an affront for that reason.

In the sexual act the aggressive thrusting of the penis offends

too. As passion increases during the act, the strength of the thrust

increases, sometimes becomes quite a formidable series of pushes (one

of the slang expressions men use for intercourse is “a bang”). This

sometimes violent thrusting is a perfectly normal aspect of male

sexuality and to the normal woman is of course highly desirable. Frigid

women are frightened of it, experience it as an invasion of their

integrity, an act of hostility against them.

Nothing could be farther from the fact. In his aggressive movements a

man is showing his love in his particular way, his passionate need to

lose his isolation, to rid himself of it, to join with his beloved. To

misunderstand this is to misunderstand all.

Doubtlessly we could make a longer list of the characteristic things

men do and feel that anger or are misunderstood by women with a

frigidity problem. If you have started the form of self-inquiry I have

advocated you have made your own list and have felt strong negative

emotions about many of the items on it.

But the point I wish to emphasize now is that the majority of these

negative emotions is caused directly or indirectly by man’s underlying

and most distinguishing characteristic--his aggression. It is this

trait that most clearly defines him, and it is this trait that is at

the root of the frigid woman’s anger, fear of, and feeling of rejection

by men.

She is antagonistic to this aggression because she does not understand

it. Since she cannot understand or accept her own role, her feminine

nature, she feels that male aggression is opposed to her and she takes

every opportunity to prove to herself that this is so. His strength,

his ability to master the outside environment make her feel personally

nullified, a drab, a slavey. She endlessly contrasts his essential

quality of aggression with woman’s essential traits, to her detriment.

Now if men _were_ out to enslave them, women would be very justified

in fearing, hating, envying man’s central strength, his aggressiveness.

But is he?

A re-examination of this single point can put the whole basic attitude

of the frigid woman (once she has allowed herself to feel the negative

power of her emotions) back into proper perspective, to correct her

fundamental distortion of view. We can do this by looking at the single

most important thing men do with their aggression in our society.

“All men have nightmares.”

I heard a fellow psychiatrist say those words during an impromptu

discussion of male psychology recently, and the phrase struck me as

dramatically true. For the majority of men, when they come of age and

marry, take on an enormous burden which they may not lay down with any

conscience this side of the grave. Quietly and without histrionics

they put aside, in the name of love, most of their vaunted freedom

and contract to take upon their shoulders full social and economic

responsibility for their wives and children.

As a woman, consider for a moment how you would feel if your child

should be deprived of the good things of life: proper housing,

clothing, education. Consider how you would feel if he should go

hungry. Perhaps such ideas have occurred to you and have given you

a bad turn momentarily. But they are passing thoughts; a woman does

not give them much credence; they are not her direct responsibility;

certainly she does not worry about them for long.

But such thoughts, conscious or unconscious, are her husband’s daily

fare. He knows, and he takes the carking thought to work with him each

morning (and every morning) and to bed with him at night, that upon the

success or failure of his efforts rest the happiness, health, indeed

the very lives of his wife and children. In the ultimate sense he alone

must take the full responsibility for them.

I do not think it is possible to exaggerate how seriously men take

this responsibility; how much they worry about it. Women, unless they

are very close to their men, rarely know how heavily the burden weighs

sometimes, for men talk about it but little. They do not want their

loved ones to worry.

Men have been shouldering the entire responsibility for their family

group since earliest times. I often think, however, when I see the

stresses and strains of today’s market place, that civilized man

has much harder going, psychologically speaking, than his primitive

forefathers.

In the first place, the competition creates a terrible strain on the

individual male. This competition is not only for preferment and

advancement. It is often for his very job itself. Every man knows that

if he falters, lets up his ceaseless drive, he can and will be easily

replaced.

No level of employment is really free of this endless pressure. The

executive must meet and exceed his last year’s quota or the quota of

his competitors. Those under him must see that he does it, and he

scrutinizes their performances most severely and therefore constantly.

Professional men--doctors, lawyers, professors--are under no less

pressure for the most part. If the lawyer is self-employed he must

constantly seek new clients; if he works for an organization he must

exert himself endlessly to avoid being superseded by ambitious peers

or by pushing young particles just out of law school and filled with

the raw energy of youth. A score of unhappy contingencies can ruin

or seriously threaten a doctor’s practice, not the least of which is

a possible breakdown in his ability to practice. A teacher must work

long hours on publishable projects outside of his arduous teaching

assignments if he is to advance or even hold his ground.

There is no field of endeavor that a man may enter where he can count

on complete economic safety; competition, the need for unremitting

year-in, year-out performance, is his life lot. Over all this he

knows, too, stands a separate specter upon which he can exert only the

remotest control. It is the joblessness which may be caused by the

cyclical depressions and recessions that characterize our economy.

It is true; all men have nightmares.

Few if any women could take the kind of daily strain and worry men

commit themselves to when they sign the marriage contract. And no woman

in her right mind would want to take it. It is true that many women go

into the market place, but most of them are waiting only for the day

that they marry, or they are already married. Those who stay of their

own free will are few and far between, and in my experience some have

proven to be difficult people in their family relationships, though

some of them are talented. Women are designed for duties different from

those of the market place, another kind of stress entirely, and lose or

tend to lose their essential womanliness if they stay by choice.

As women look at man’s characteristic of aggressiveness in terms of

the tremendous duties, daily struggles, and awful responsibilities men

must and do assume, they can begin to call up in themselves a different

emotion from anger or envy. They can begin to see how altogether worthy

of their highest admiration man is. Not just some abstract man, either;

the man they love, the man they have married, the man upon whom they

have been heaping their criticism, their jealousy and rage.

Far from seeking to enslave our sex, to exploit us through his strength

and his aggression, man has put these two great and basic attributes

entirely at our service. It is (and always has been) this fact that

makes it safe for us to be women, to bear his children with a sense of

security, to rear them, knowing that he is there, always and forever,

earning our bread, watching over us ceaselessly, keeping his terrible

anxieties about us and our safety to himself so that we will not worry

as he does.

Certain it is that boys are generally given their freedom a lot earlier

than girls. And it is also true that the quality of aggression in the

male makes him the wooer and the woman the wooed. I have yet to hear a

woman suffering from a frigidity problem who did not deeply resent both

of these facts.

But now, looking at the end to which male aggression is directed when

it matures, can any woman honestly hold onto such resentment? When she

realizes that society instinctively grants him more and earlier freedom

so that he may develop the great self-reliance necessary to take on the

responsibilities of a family, she cannot validly hold this view any

longer.

Nor can she hold onto her resentment of the fact that it is generally

the male who initiates the sexual act. For it is the same male

aggression which protects her, allows her to be wife and mother, that

makes him the wooer and she the wooed. Again, knowing how easily women

are distracted from sexual feeling by trivial upsets, by the small

things that occur during the day, imagine what would happen if women

had to take the male’s anxieties and yet be responsible for initiating

sex at night. Should such a reversal of roles ever happen to mankind,

the world would soon be depopulated. Women must learn to thank God

daily for the enormous energy and drive of their men.

In terms of this lifelong commitment of man to the service of his wife

and family, let us take another look at the things in his conduct

which irritate women, or at least irritate women with a frigidity

problem, for now they begin to be understandable. Minor irritabilities,

cock-of-the-walk behavior, slackness, sloppiness, whatever--these

are either the outlets or the results of the accumulated tensions

of a man’s day. He will not tell you of the humiliations or defeats

or worries of his day in any direct manner usually. As his wife, you

must understand that these are the only remonstrances against his

hard and anxious struggle that he will permit himself. If you see his

behavior in this light it will be difficult to harbor any deep-seated

resentment against him; one can only wish to comfort him, to help in

any conceivable way to make his burden less onerous, his worries less

sharp, his nightmares less frequent.

The espousal of this view of the male, the accurate one, can be another

great forward step toward femininity. Seeing her man’s aggression in

its true light, aimed first and foremost at procuring her safety,

happiness, and security, she can now dare to take down, one by one, the

precarious defenses she has maintained against him from the beginning

of their relationship. She sees that her husband’s wonderful aggression

actually defines her true role, makes it ever clearer and more

desirable to her.

Let us now see how her altered attitude can ultimately affect her and

what she can do to hasten and further the process of change.

_Chapter 16_

THE NATURE OF SURRENDER

When the frigid woman, using the methods described in this section,

has divested herself of the destructive fears and false convictions

that have been left over from her childhood; and when, in all honesty,

she is able to view her husband with new eyes, knowing him to be the

hard-beset but loving human being he is rather than an abstract power

she had conjured up in his image--when these things are achieved, a

profound change begins to take place within her.

This change is not a direct product of her conscious will. Forces which

have the character of a tide suddenly freed of long-standing barricades

now begin to move irresistibly within her. She feels a new potentiality

inside, intimations of an emotional richness she had not dared dream of.

When such a process is loosed within a woman, we say that she is ready

to surrender; that, indeed, surrender has already started within her.

What does this mean?

It means, in the broadest sense, that at long last she is prepared to

become a woman. It means that she is ready, indeed anxious, to yield to

her biological and psychological destiny. She has ceased to fear her

real role, mentally, spiritually, and physically; ceased to resist it

and ceased to resent it. Now she is ready to glory in it. She is ready

to love.

When a woman is ready for this final step she no longer needs any

urging, any coaxing or coaching. Since this ultimate surrender to

her true nature is so natural to a woman, she is often not entirely

conscious of its varied manifestations. It is slow, cellular, tidal,

certainly unsubject to the conscious will.

Though change is now largely going on outside one’s awareness, I should

like to emphasize, however, that this phase is very much a part of

the _process_ that was initiated with the first two steps--of airing

one’s emotions and fantasies and of revaluating one’s husband. We have

found that, for a woman whose whole mind and body are, for the first

time, taking the path nature intended, it is wise to be as conscious

as possible of the process that is going on within her. Many of the

feelings are new and powerful and run counter to much of what she has

experienced and believed in before. New convictions, new insights, new

prospects open up before her. This novel proliferation may be confusing

or even frightening. Therefore, the more she understands the nature

of her brave new inner world, the more thoroughly and swiftly can she

claim it for her own.

For this reason I should like to urge that those who are trying the

techniques advocated here continue with the regular daily sessions I

mentioned at the beginning. At this point much of the mental activity

in such sessions with oneself will be a simple matter of _watching_--of

watching the process unfold in oneself, even of celebrating these

advances of the unconscious.

In this role of constant observer, however, the conscious mind can

also be ready for more aggressive activity. Any tendencies of the old

pattern to reassert itself, for angers, fears, fantasies to come out

in new guises, can thus be noted and dispensed with before any real

damage can be done. Such pullbacks are not only possible but usual, and

it is well not to abandon the sessions with oneself until they have

disappeared entirely--or as entirely as they’re going to.

The process of inner growth that follows when a woman is ready to

surrender to her real nature, we have found, traces a rather clear

pattern. Some of the new feelings overlap, but mostly they emerge in

a given order, each unfolding separately but related to the other as

petals to a bud. Let us take them in the usual order of their coming.

As the woman who has suffered from frigidity explodes her groundless

fears one by one and explores a new attitude toward men, toward love,

toward motherhood, feels a new esteem for her husband--as all these

things happen, her lifelong _restlessness_ begins to depart. For

the first time she realizes just _how_ restless she has been, how

unsatisfied; she feels how precariously balanced her life, inwardly and

outwardly, has always felt. Now something deep within her relaxes, lets

down. When this happens she is beginning to experience the essential

attribute of all that is truly feminine, spiritual tranquillity.

The arrival of this tranquillity, or even the arrival of intimations of

it results from the fact that she is really allowing herself to trust

her husband in a very deep sense. It means that she finally realizes

that she no longer has to fear or to oppose his strength, but that

she can now rely on it to protect her, to give her the secure climate

necessary for the full flowering of her femininity.

Feminine tranquillity of spirit is a grace and a beauty of the first

order. It is the psychological cornerstone of the happy family. Based

on an abiding faith in the goodness and loyalty of her husband, it

emanates from a woman who has found herself and pervades those about

her, giving them unity and strength. The children of such a mother are

strong against the neurotic restlessness of these difficult times. The

husband of a wife who has achieved such tranquillity returns from his

work to his home as to an oasis, redoubles his loving efforts to make

her ever more secure.

Because she can trust no man, the frigid woman’s approach to the

tasks of life has a difficult, painful, frenetic quality. She feels

responsible for everything; guiltily responsible. Details and trivia

overwhelm her. She has no unity and has to fight herself, her

resentment, her self-rejection to get the simplest things done--her

household work, planning the dinner, carrying and fetching the

children. Everything _looms_.

With the development of the new quality of tranquillity those details

of life that once seemed so difficult become simple. And because they

are feminine tasks, household work, planning or getting dinners,

keeping the children busy or in line--whatever life demands--soon lose

their irksome and irritating quality and become easy, even joyful.

As tranquillity moves over to serenity, becomes more and more a part

of her psychic character, a woman begins to realize what a miraculous

and wonderful thing womanhood is. Most frequently this realization is

ushered in by a sudden awareness of the miracle that her body is able

to perform: the miracle of childbirth.

In her frightened heart the frigid woman has always detested and feared

her capacity to become pregnant. To her this faculty has seemed onerous

and burdensome, a curse. In pregnancy she feels trapped, sick at heart

and in body during it, increasingly frightened of delivery as the day

of confinement approaches. She views all this as woman’s burden; men,

those enviable creatures, are free of such a frightening duty. Indeed,

has she not heard that men use pregnancy as a technique of keeping

women subject to them! Thus she frets and rages and trembles, rejecting

her destiny.

But with her new evaluation of her husband, the deepening of her sense

of security, and the growth of her tranquillity, all this childish

frightened protest against the miracle of motherhood washes away. Now

the scales really fall from her eyes and she feels the full meaning and

majesty of what it means to be a woman.

What a privilege it is, she realizes, to be the carrier of the

race, the agent of its immortality. What fate could be richer, more

beautiful, more filled with wonder and with awe.

I am not exaggerating the importance of this realization. Pride in it,

joy in it are the very most central characteristics of the feminine

woman. To me its highest expression is in the Madonna paintings which

the great Renaissance artists took, over and over again, as a major

subject. The Alba Madonna by Raphael catches the essential quality of

femininity, expresses it for all to see--and to revere.

Now, with this realization, the last vestiges of her envy of the male

and of his role in life disappear. How, she may wonder, with this

marvelous capability of hers, inimitable by man, could she ever have

depreciated the role of woman, wanted what men have?

At this juncture, or closely following on it, a woman begins to feel

her full power, the power that comes to her for her surrender to her

destiny. She now realizes that, far from being in a weak position in

relationship to man, her position is so strong that she must be careful

not to exploit it. One of the deepest and strongest psychological needs

of man is his poignant desire for immortality through his children.

She could deny him this, or she could make his life miserable while

granting him it. Or she can make it the most beautiful and meaningful

thing in her life and in his.

What this new realization means to a woman was stated very beautifully

in a letter I received from a former patient. We had been able to

work only two weeks on her problem, for she came from a different

section of the country and could spend only that amount of time in New

York City. We worked quickly, and she had been able to surface the

hostilities to and misapprehensions about men that had plagued her

grown-up life. I had been able also to give her a thumbnail sketch of

the problems and changes she might encounter within herself in the

future--much as I have described them here. Within six months I had a

letter from her. It described the step-by-step process I have depicted:

the change in her feelings toward her husband, the incredibly swift

growth within her of the new and wonderful serenity. And then she had

come to the point where she realized with her whole emotional being the

miraculous nature of the female body and the feeling of power and glory

that it gave her.

But [she wrote] this feeling of power was quickly followed by an

intense feeling of humility. I thought of how I held within me, within

my body, the power to bring him the greatest of joys; or to deprive

him of it. And then I realized the terrible thing it would be to ever

misuse this power. And now I felt really for the first time, despite

my former lip service to the idea, the reason why marriage must be

considered sacramental. The relationship between husband and wife

which results in the unsolvable mystery of birth goes far beyond

human understanding. To participate in this mystery really requires

a consecration by both. Any lesser attitude toward it is like the

laughter of mockery in a holy place.

With this kind of acceptance of her central role, changes now come

rapidly to a woman. As she feels the unity of need and goal between

her husband and herself, any remaining contentiousness leaves her. In

the marriage, consensus now becomes her aim. She is no longer afraid

of losing an argument, fearful that she will be forced to do something

that is repugnant or humiliating to her, for she realizes that to her

husband her welfare is the dearest of all things. And, conversely, his

happiness and peace of mind become her first desire.

And now she has tapped in on the greatest psychological joy of

woman--her capacity to give. If you remember, in an earlier chapter we

called this “essential female altruism,” a characteristic rooted in

every woman’s biological nature. Women who are really secure within

themselves and in their roles have an inexhaustible store of this

altruism. Frigid women fear this basic characteristic, feeling as they

do that men will exploit and abuse their desire to give.

As she reaps the rewards of her new capacity to give of herself

unstintingly and fearlessly to her husband and her children, the very

appearance of a woman often begins to change. Drawn expressions relax,

anxious forehead wrinkles disappear, thin-lipped mouths soften. Indeed,

her whole body rounds and softens, taking on the look associated with a

tender and giving femininity.

Physical difficulties often disappear. I have known women who had been

plagued with intense pre-menstrual and menstrual pains all their lives

to lose such symptoms in a matter of weeks. I have known women whose

irregular periods have become regularized. And I have also known women

with one or two desperately difficult pregnancies behind them who,

becoming pregnant again, went through the entire nine months not only

without discomfort but with a highly accelerated feeling of pleasure

and well-being.

These, then, are the results, or some of them, that a woman who is

willing to give up the things of childhood and yield to her true self

may expect. The return on such an investment of self is enormous. It is

paid in the coinage of love returned for love given; love from one’s

husband and children, love from friends, new and old, attracted by the

endless largesse of the woman who has surrendered all to find all.

_Chapter 17_

SEXUAL SURRENDER

The ability to achieve normal orgasm can be called the physical

counterpart of psychological surrender. In most cases of true frigidity

it follows on a woman’s surrender of her rebellious and infantile

attitudes as the day the night. It is the sign that she has given up

the last vestige of resistance to her nature and has embraced womanhood

with soul _and_ body.

The achievement of orgasm, usually, is the _last_ step in the process

of growing up. If one reviews in one’s mind the actual orgastic

experience it is not difficult to see why this is so.

For a woman orgasm requires a trust in one’s partner that is absolute.

Recall for a moment that the physical experience is often so profound

that it entails the loss of consciousness for a period of time. As

we know, in sexual intercourse, as in life, man is the actor, woman

the passive one, the receiver, the acted upon. Giving oneself up

in this passive manner to another human being, making oneself his

willing partner to such seismic physical experiences, means one must

have complete faith in the other person. In the sexual embrace any

trace of buried hostility, fear of one’s role, will show clearly and

unmistakably.

But there is even more to the psychic state necessary for orgasm than

faith in one’s partner and readiness to surrender. There must be a

sensual eagerness to surrender, in the woman’s orgasm _the excitement

comes from the act of surrender_. There is a tremendous surging

physical ecstasy in the yielding itself, in the feeling of being the

passive instrument of another person, of being stretched out supinely

beneath him, taken up will-lessly by his passion as leaves are swept up

before a wind.

There can, it is clear, be no crossed fingers about such yielding, no

reservations in such surrender. As one thinks of it one can certainly

feel why, of all the steps in the process of yielding, of surrendering,

the orgasm should be last. To those who are moving toward it the

experience often remains for a time elusive because its very totality,

its uncompromising demand that the whole being be swept up in the

experience, remains somewhat frightening.

Orgasm, as I have said, is the physical aspect of surrendering.

However, while there are similarities between the physical and the

psychological experience, there is also an important difference between

the two.

The difference is that orgasm cannot be sought entirely rationally. It

will arrive when it will arrive, as the end process of a total change

in a frigid woman’s deepest psychological attitudes. It cannot be

sought separately or as an end in itself. Indeed, to seek it directly,

to wait upon it, to try to force it are the surest possible ways of

postponing its arrival.

The idea that orgasm can be forced is typical of the thinking of a

frigid woman. We have seen that, because she is basically frightened,

basically mistrusts her husband’s love of her and her own femininity,

she has to feel that she is “in control” all the time. The trouble with

that standpoint is that in real orgasm a woman must be out of control;

must willfully, delightedly desire to be entirely so.

The delusion that the orgasm can or should be sought as an end in

itself and not as the result of a deep inner change of the kind

discussed in the preceding chapters of this section has been fostered

by many of the books which have dealt with the problem of frigidity

or with the role or responsibility of woman in marriage. One recent

book counseled the conscious contraction of certain muscles during

intercourse, holding that this would heighten sexual pleasure. Other

books emphasize the importance of position during intercourse. Their

tacit or stated contention is that orgastic potency can be achieved by

mechanical means.

The simple fact is that concentrating on one’s sensations during

intercourse, wondering if one is feeling the “right” feeling, can

destroy real sexual passion more completely than any technique I can

think of. We know this from scores of patients. Such a clinical and

objective attitude toward local sexual sensations merely reflects

the frigid woman’s need to be in control of a situation and her fear

of surrendering herself to her man. She can get little more from

this obsessive scrutiny of her sexual reactions than an even more

frustrating experience than usual.

Is there, then, an attitude one can take toward orgasm before one

has achieved it? Yes, there is, and we have found it a helpful and

productive one. This attitude may be summarized in this fashion: If one

has truly pursued the goal of self-surrender, uprooting and exposing

attitudes left over from childhood and youth, the ability to achieve

orgasm must inevitably arrive. Until that time, and particularly during

intercourse, _one must put the matter out of one’s mind entirely_.

The growth of a woman’s ability to have orgasm is a natural growth. It

has been impeded by her psychic attitudes; it resumes its development

when these attitudes change. It is as natural a move as the move

from winter to spring. Gradually she finds herself allowing her new

tenderness and concern for her husband to become a part of the meaning

of her sexual embrace. She sees and feels the pleasure her sexual

thawing brings him, and this process becomes circular, his increased

pleasure giving her more pleasure. And with his pleasure in mind she

now seeks out more and more those things that please him, and her

exploration leads inevitably to the discovery that what pleases him

most, outside of his own sensations, is her pleasure. This mutual

spiraling of feeling ultimately climaxes in her unconscious decision

to give him the greatest psychological pleasure of all, her total

surrender to the delights he can bring her.

For many women the ability to surrender physically comes rather

swiftly; to others it is a very gradual process, as though the

unconscious mind needed to build up a reserve of reassurances before it

felt perfectly secure. In either case, but particularly in the latter,

they can be forewarned of one important thing: sexual thaw will not

proceed uninterruptedly; there is no straight line from frigidity to

true womanhood. I should like to explain this more fully.

When, in the sexual embrace, a woman allows herself to experience more

pleasure as her physical sensations increase, a part of her unconscious

mind very frequently takes alarm and causes her to draw back from any

further immediate advance.

If you stop to ponder this point you will find it readily

understandable in terms of our former discussions. The experiences

and relationships upon which frigidity is based took place a long

time ago, often in very early childhood. They occasioned fear in the

child, fear of sexuality, of surrender to one’s sensual impulses, or

powerful guilt. Now, as one starts to move toward a resumption of one’s

sensuality, it is almost certain that these irrational, buried fears

will try to reassert themselves.

In most cases it is not necessary to uncover the childhood incidents

upon which these fears were based. If one will insist on pursuing

the techniques for inner change I have described here, these fears

will finally become inoperative in the sexual area. It is, however,

necessary to know that you _are_ experiencing such fears. Generally

speaking, they do not show themselves directly. A woman will not say to

herself: “That new sensual experience I had last night is causing me

alarm.”

The fear separates itself from the sensual experience and expresses

itself indirectly. The woman may find herself once again becoming

quarrelsome, critical of her husband; old feelings of deprivation or of

inferiority may reassert themselves with apparently new vigor. And the

new sensual capacity may retire once more from view. The reason: the

old defenses are protecting one against the new femininity.

Such anxiety reactions, I wish to make clear, should not give any

real cause for concern. Indeed, one does not have to analyze them or

to investigate them. One merely has to be _aware_ that they _are_ the

result of the new advance in sensuality, the new ability to surrender

oneself a bit more completely than formerly. Advance of this kind is

never lost in any final sense.

Let me give you an example of a typical reaction to such an advance.

The patient was of the type I call the clitoridal woman. Her orgasm had

been exclusively clitoral. Together we had covered the ground that I

have presented in this section. She had been able to air her feelings

about men and about woman’s lot; she had corrected her view of men and,

in a very real way, had begun to view her husband with the eyes of a

loving woman. Then one day she came to me in great excitement. It was

unmistakable, she told me; during last night’s love-making she had

felt, for the first time in her life, distinctly pleasurable vaginal

sensations.

But in the next session her attitude was entirely different. She had

had a quarrel with her husband over some trivial matter, and she

forthwith launched into the kind of tirade against men I had not heard

from her for several sessions.

After letting her air her feelings, I pointed out to her the possible

connection between her new sensual experience and her regression to

her old defenses. She was incredulous and remained so until, a week

later, the episode repeated itself in its entirety: vaginal sensations

and delight, followed quickly by a quarrel and ill feelings toward her

husband. Forewarned, she was now on guard for such negative reactions,

and when they did appear, knowing their significance, she was able to

handle them, prevent herself from actually acting out her irrational

feelings by quarreling with her husband.

In making the above point I do not wish to be misunderstood or

thought to be contradicting myself. I am not advising women to fixate

obsessively on their new sexual sensations. However, noticing such new

experiences will be unavoidable, and I am simply saying that it is

helpful to know that they may be followed by minor neurotic regressions.

The above observations now lead me to a closely related matter which I

consider to be of central importance.

In the move toward womanhood there comes a juncture in most cases

which can be called “the danger point.” When a woman is working with

a therapist on her problem, the danger when she reaches this point is

minimized by the fact that her therapist is aware of the problem and

can usually help her to handle it when it arises. If a woman is working

on her problem by herself, however, she should be strongly forewarned

of her potential reaction.

This danger point generally comes when a woman who has suffered from

frigidity has at last allowed herself to experience orgasm for the

first time. Her immediate reaction is one of tremendous relief. But

this is almost always followed by the same kind of regression I have

described above; only this time the pull-back from her own advance and

from her husband is far more powerful. We have seen in some of the case

histories in the last section just how dangerous this period can be to

the entire relationship. Indeed, the wife may at this point precipitate

a crisis of such severity that the marriage itself is endangered.

The form the difficulty takes is always individual; it is usually an

exaggerated version of the particular woman’s most typical neurotic

characteristic. If she is argumentative, she is apt to start a fight

of proportions heretofore undreamed of. If her tendency is to become

depressed, her melancholy can become very, very profound indeed. If

she is critical and carping, she can make Craig’s wife appear to be a

normal, healthy woman.

I am not exaggerating. It is not impossible that many divorces are

caused by wives who, by the natural reassurance that marriage to a

tender husband often brings, have moved close to their true natures

all unwittingly. They achieve orgasm; and then, without the benefit of

any insight, the intense anxiety reaction sets in, causing a powerful

desire to flee from the frightening situation.

The pull-back, of course, is caused by an exacerbation of early fears

brought on by the orgasmic experience. But again I must emphasize

that the chief danger during this period of reaction lies in the fact

that the woman sees no connection between her emotional upset and

the successful sexual experience she has just achieved. Why should

she see such a connection? Orgasm is what she has been consciously

waiting for, has it not? It would only be surprising if she did see a

connection between the two experiences.

Her emotional outburst represents, at this point, an inner panic.

Consider this: in the course of growing up it took her years to

construct a defensive system against a feminine sensuality which she

had learned was dangerous or wicked. Though this defensive system (her

frigidity, her psychological rejection of men, etc.) had deprived

her of much, it had at least allowed her to feel secure in some deep

manner; she has maintained her defenses in order to hold onto her

feeling of unconscious security.

And now, with orgasm, she feels all these defenses swept away in a

moment. She feels exposed, guilty, naked to her imaginary enemy,

tempted to surrender to him completely. In her panic she forgets the

advance she has been making, the revaluation of her attitude toward

men, children, womanhood.

She cannot admit the irrational nature of her unconscious fear, even to

herself, so she represses it and creates an exterior diversion. Real

trouble is always an excellent defense against insight.

In the case histories I have given of frigid women you will recall

that the discovery of true feminine sexuality within her often brought

a woman to therapy. In a sense the therapist, at the beginning,

represents a safe harbor, a protection against the woman’s frightening

femininity. Coming for help is, in part, a kind of flight in itself; a

search for a place to hide.

When women do not understand the nature of their actions in such cases,

the flight can take a potentially harmful direction. I have known some

who “fall in love” with another man at this juncture. Others feel

that they have really discovered just how incompatible their husbands

are and think seriously of divorce. Still others develop somatic

difficulties, sometimes serious ones. I know two women who had had

tuberculosis during adolescence and who both broke down again during

this “danger point.” In both cases their disease had been considered

totally arrested.

I realize, of course, that such reactions sound alarming to a reader.

However, my intention in stating the facts here is not to frighten

but to forewarn. There is nothing in _reality_ to be alarmed about.

Feelings are not reality. But a woman must be certain that she does not

act upon her feelings. The only danger is that she might.

But, I am often asked, how can one cope with such fears, fears so deep

one does not even dare to let them into the conscious mind? The answer

is that, generally speaking, you do not have to cope with them in any

active way. They will pass. All you have to do is to sit tight, so to

speak. The unconscious will in fairly short order (a week, a month)

calm down.

Reality, a good reality, can prove to the infantile unconscious that it

has nothing to fear. When one has quieted again, resumed the straight

line of progress one had been pursuing, orgasm will occur again.

This time the reaction of alarm is generally far less. By the third

and fourth times it has become virtually nonexistent. The neurotic,

defensive portion of one’s mind has then been permanently disarmed.

* * * * *

All frigidities are basically related. We could prescribe no general

approach that would be helpful if this were not so. However, I have

found that there are specific measures that can be of great value if

applied to the individual kinds of frigidity. Indeed, if these measures

are omitted, the return to full feminine maturity can be slowed down

dramatically or even stopped, at least on the sexual level.

I must warn once again, however, that one should be careful to put

no reliance on these techniques if they are not combined with the

“feeling through” and revaluative processes I have described. With

this in mind, then, let us examine these measures that can be taken by

individual types.

First let us look at the _masculine type_. As we have seen both in our

abstract description and in our case-history approach to this type, the

only method of gratification possible for this woman is clitoral. She

achieves climax through self-masturbation or through masturbation by

her husband. She has few if any vaginal sensations during intercourse,

and her orgasmic reactions are confined entirely to the clitoris. This

is so even if she is able to establish contact between her clitoris

and her husband’s penis in intercourse. In most cases vaginal entrance

of the penis is a matter of indifference to such women; to some it is

actively disliked.

We have seen how women establish this erotic primacy of the clitoris.

Because of early fears connected with becoming women they have firmly

rejected the vagina. They have held onto infantile and pubertal

masturbation long past the point when it is normal for a girl to give

it up.

Now, with a new evaluation of the meaning of feminine sexuality, with

a new tenderness and warmth toward their husbands available to them,

the time at length comes when it is possible for them to switch from

clitoral sensations to vaginal. However, the pathways for satisfaction

have been set up for many years, the “habit” of clitoral climax has

been deeply established. What should they do?

We have found that, if the clitoridal woman wishes to achieve a more

mature form of sexual satisfaction she may be aided in reaching her

goal if she can give up the form of gratification she now employs. This

form of gratification still symbolizes an attachment to the earlier

form of sexuality. For that reason, of course, it is a defense against

the type of sexuality that stands for psychic maturity. The simple

decision to abandon the less mature form of gratification often

signifies a deep decision within a woman: the decision to take the

final step toward womanhood.

On the other hand, many women experience the abandonment of clitoral

gratification as a keen deprivation and deeply resent it. In such cases

the resentment signifies that they have not sufficiently “felt through”

their childhood defenses against femininity.

Obviously there are only two possible steps to take: one can continue

the practice of masturbation or one can examine the resentment that

is caused by giving it up. If a woman decides on the first step,

progress toward the goal of vaginal orgasm may be slowed down or halted

completely.

If, however, one decides to examine the resentment more closely, using

the “feeling through” technique I have described, the bases upon

which the resentment rests may be discovered and disposed of, just

as resentments against men and against motherhood were disposed of.

Indeed, many of the same feelings, though now more specifically related

to sexuality, often come out.

Let me give an example. A patient with a clitoridal fixation had worked

through many of her negative feelings toward her husband; she had seen

that these feelings had been based on an irrational envy and fear of

men and a depreciation of women. Her progress, however, seemed to halt

completely when she attempted to give up clitoral masturbation.

All of her early feelings toward men returned, only now they referred

to the act of intercourse. Men were the lucky ones; they were on top.

Just as in life. Woman’s classical sexual position in our civilization

(on the bottom) was “degrading and humiliating.” It represented her

position vis-à-vis men in life. As in life, men were the ones for whom

irresponsible enjoyment was designed; no wonder they could enjoy sex so

much; and they couldn’t get pregnant; they didn’t have to menstruate,

etc., etc.

She aired these irrational feelings quite completely and saw them for

what they were. She saw that they were a recapitulation, in sexual

terms, of the negative feelings she had expressed earlier toward

men. She realized, too, that her feeling that it was humiliating and

degrading to be “on the bottom” really showed her deep distress, fear

of, and underlying depression about what she took to be woman’s role in

life.

The patient was rather surprised to see these irrational feelings

reappearing. However, because of her earlier work on her psychological

defenses, it was not too difficult for her to dispose of these negative

attitudes toward the sexual act and to integrate her positive feelings

about womanhood with woman’s sexual role. At that point she was not far

from achieving vaginal orgasm. Within a month or so she had achieved it.

When a woman consciously abandons clitoral gratification in favor of

her search for a deeper and more abiding joy, the switch from clitoris

to vagina usually takes place gradually. I have known cases in which it

has happened rather quickly, but it is more frequently a matter of two,

three, or even more months.

One further word on this type: the clitoridal woman may discover that

she cannot take the final step to vaginal primacy alone. She may need

direct and expert counsel. This should in no way discourage her. The

problem is a deep-seated one, but it almost certainly can be resolved.

If after a few months of trying to handle the problem alone one finds

out that too little progress is being achieved, I strongly urge that

outside help be sought (see Addenda I, page 260, for methods of

obtaining the correct kind of aid).

I have heard the therapy for _total frigidity_ described as “a problem

in rerearing.” Recalling the case history of Patricia Agnew, one can

easily see why this phrase is so apt. The causes of this kind of

frigidity go back to infancy. Punishment for infantile masturbation

and/or an overly strong early fixation on the male parent causes the

child to repress her sexual feeling entirely. She does not go through,

in any complete way, the normal stages of psycho-sexual development; a

part of her, the sensual and sexual part, remains frozen in the bud.

In my opinion, psychotherapy is frequently indicated when the frigidity

is of this total type. The sexual aspect of the problem is sometimes

too deeply seated for the individual to handle alone.

However, I know of several women who, when therapy was not possible,

were able to make great strides toward truly feminine values and

behavior by adopting the procedures described in this section. Though

some of them were not able to achieve orgasm, the psychological change

they were able to effect in their personalities added greatly to their

general happiness and security in marriage. A few even were able to

achieve orgasm.

For women with this form and degree of frigidity who wish to or must

attempt to approach their problem without outside aid, I should like to

point out that if general sexual development is resumed it will tend

to recapitulate the stages of psycho-sexual growth we have described.

Thus we find that when such women, through insight, are once again

able to experience sensual feeling they sometimes go through a period

of self-masturbation. Recall that this stage had been omitted in their

development.

I should like to emphasize that, in terms of the final resolution of

her sexual frigidity, this masturbation is perfectly normal for this

kind of woman--just as it is contraindicated for the masculine or

clitoridal woman. The totally frigid woman is making up for phases

of development she had missed in growing up. Guilt feelings about

masturbation in such cases are harmful, and the ego of the individual

can be put in the service of overcoming such emotions. For those who

have moral feelings against masturbation it is sometimes helpful

to realize that modern scientific findings indicate that societal

prohibitions against it were partly based on insufficient and incorrect

information. It was believed for centuries that pubertal or infantile

masturbation was harmful physically and mentally. It has now been

clearly demonstrated, however, that the only harm of any kind that can

come from masturbation is the psychological harm that is caused by

guilt feelings connected with it.

The fact is that, in attempting to establish her lost sexuality,

the totally frigid woman may be helped by encouraging, any

sensuality, however meager, she may discover in herself, whether it

is psychological or physical. The sensuous feelings engendered by

sun-bathing, of the press of the earth under one when lying down in a

field or under a tree, the soft beauty of the moon on a hazy night, the

warmth and coziness of a fireplace as the rain beats upon the roof--if

she will allow her body and mind to enjoy these kinds of things, they

can help to awaken her dormant sensuality, can help her to move back

from her dusty sensationless condition toward a reappreciation of the

glory of the senses.

Some women may discover (if they can consciously dispense with their

inhibitions or with a hindering sense of propriety) that they are

able to experience sensual feelings of a moderately keen nature in

areas which are secondarily erotic. During our work together one woman

suddenly discovered that she enjoyed having her back stroked by her

husband. Another discovered that though she could not enjoy kissing

her husband if she was in bed with him she could if she remained

fully clothed in the living room. A third was able to respond quite

strongly to clitoral stroking if she had a drink of liquor with her

husband beforehand. In each case the sensual capacities described in

these women preceded their work with me. But it was only when they

realized that they possessed unexplored potentialities and that these

could be used to enrichen their sensual lives, to move them closer to

the ultimate experience of love, did they dare to take their first

tentative steps toward maturity.

As we have observed, _partial frigidity_ includes those degrees of

frigidity that lie between total frigidity and normalcy. This includes

such a large range of sexual reaction (or the lack of it) that it would

not be possible to describe specific measures that would be helpful in

all cases.

However, those who find they are closer to total frigidity on this

scale than to normalcy often discover that the general techniques just

described are helpful. Many of these, if they persevere, will find that

they will ultimately achieve orgasm without requiring psychotherapy.

Others, after determining the distance they can go on their own, may

wish to seek outside help.

For those who lie closer to normal feminine sexual reactions it is

usually sufficient to persist in the techniques for self-discovery and

self-realization described earlier in this section.

As we saw when we examined _psychic frigidity_, it seemed to be the

exception that proved the rule. Women of this type are able to have

orgasms that are apparently normal. But they cannot form a relationship

with any man that will endure. They frequently select ineligible men as

partners or, if by chance the man happens to become eligible, they will

then flee the relationship. If they cannot flee it they become sexually

frigid.

We have found that women with this type of frigidity can help

themselves by denying themselves the easy gratification to which they

are accustomed. Their facile sensuality is a red herring used to

disguise their real fears from themselves. They can come to grips

with these fears only when they allow themselves to enter a close

psychological relationship with an eligible member of the opposite sex.

* * * * *

I have called the steps by which a woman moves from frigidity to

emotional and sexual maturity a “process.” Once really started, it

tends, almost by inertia, to complete itself, needing only a kind of

minimal guidance from one’s intelligence and a few specific facts.

For the sake of clarity, then, let us review what the steps in this

process are.

It is launched by the surfacing of negative emotions and fantasies from

which the frigid woman has been hiding. These emotions and fantasies

reflect an underlying attitude toward the opposite sex which is based

on early childhood fears and misunderstandings and which is seriously

affecting one’s ability to love. As the emotions are exposed to full

view they lose their power for harm, for it is only when they are

partially or totally hidden from oneself that their primitive force

is dangerous. When they are exposed to the light of intelligence and

judgment, their power over one can at first be greatly reduced and

finally can be disposed of entirely.

When all or most of one’s negative daydreams and emotions have been

exposed, step two can be taken. This is a revaluation of the male in

terms of his real nature and real goals. We saw that his real nature

is basically aggressive, and one of his chief aims in life is to put

this aggression to work for his wife and family. Viewed from this

standpoint, man’s differences from woman are seen in their true light.

The frigid woman, from this revaluation, learns that she can now let

down her defenses, knowing that her husband, far from being hostile or

wishing to enslave or exploit her, is her loving ally. She sees that

his once-feared aggression is the very thing that makes it really safe

for her to be a woman.

From this realization, on a deep level of her personality, the next

step follows naturally. She first achieves a tranquillity and then a

serenity she had not known before. This is followed by an acceptance of

and a surrender to her real role--that of a loving and wise wife who

glories in her womanly functions and in her man’s love.

The last step was seen to be the achievement of orgasm as a natural

sequel to her psychological maturation. This part of the process we

saw was attended by a resurgence of early anxiety when orgasm finally

occurred. This anxiety caused a desire to flee from the newly acquired

ability to love. However, the only danger at this juncture was seen to

be the possibility that the anxious woman might act upon her fears.

Forewarned of this reaction, she is forearmed, and by seeking further

insights and waiting out the anxiety she will find that it will

gradually subside completely.

These general steps, then, outline the process that can lead to

recovery. I can add little to them. I have seen this method work for

many women and I know of no other that will.

Patience and faith are the prime requisites for emotional maturation.

Nobody can name the time it will take for any given individual to cross

the bridge to womanhood. But that most women can cross it, there can be

no doubt. Those who have gone before make that point ultimately clear.

_Chapter 18_

THE ROLE OF THE MALE

When a woman decides to cross the bridge from frigidity to mature

femininity her husband’s attitudes, feelings, and reactions can be

all-important.

I said earlier that we have found that the man is rarely responsible

for his wife’s frigidity; that it developed long before he met

her. However, he must understand that, when she begins to assume

responsibility for her difficulty, responsibilities of a new kind are

thrust on him too. In the beginning at least, and contrary to what he

might expect of himself, he may not like these responsibilities at all.

He may find that he has a very negative attitude toward his wife’s

attempt to mature, that indeed he does not want her to.

It is very necessary for a man to understand the elements that make

his role appear to him to be very difficult during such a period. In

a sense, if the project is to succeed, he must be as aware of his

reactions as his wife is of hers.

What, then, are the main elements of his reactions?

In the first place, the husband of a frigid woman generally has a

great store of repressed resentment toward his wife. This is quite

understandable, of course. He has been the chief recipient of her very

strong negative feelings toward life, people, love, and sex.

As we have seen, the frigid woman has a strong tendency to blame others

for her difficulties. Her husband, doubtlessly, has received his full

quota of such irrational blame from her. He has also been the main

victim of all the other neurotic components of frigidity--the envy and

mistrust she has of the entire male sex, the endless complaints she

directs against her household duties, her general inability to handle

even the trivia of every woman’s everyday life with any grace or ease.

In addition to her quarreling and complaints he has had to accept a

tremendous amount of emotional frustration. Frigidity does not permit

much honest or real interpersonal warmth, and the male has had to do

without a normal amount of affection. His sexual frustration, too, is

great. We saw in the case of the clitoridal woman just how laborious

and boring the act of love can become to the man. It is not necessary

to labor the point of how cumulatively bleak sexual intercourse with an

unresponding partner can become.

All this (and more) that a man has gone through with a frigid wife

must have a very definite effect on him. He builds up attitudes and

develops defenses which allow him to preserve his equilibrium within

the framework of his marriage as it is.

Some of these defenses are psychological, some external.

The chief psychological defense he uses is a general withdrawal; he

pulls back from “caring” about the unhappy circumstances of his married

life. He may cease to react, either to his wife’s attacks on him or

to her general complaints. He may cease, too, to care very much about

the failure of their sexual life. His withdrawal from the problem

may be marked by actual sexual impotence with his wife. Or he may,

in response to his wife’s rejection of sex, take a purely mechanical

attitude toward intercourse, getting it over with as quickly as

possible, taking it like a hurried but necessary meal.

His external defenses against his home life may be a withdrawal from

it. He may reorganize his social life around a men’s social or athletic

club, spending a great deal of time with “the boys.” He may take to

drinking at bars in the evening, forming a circle of cronies whom he

likes to be with. He may do any of a number of things that take him out

of his home in the evening and give him substitute pleasures.

Now of course there is nothing the least bit reprehensible about

the erection of such defenses if one’s marriage and home life are

unsatisfactory. Indeed, such defenses may keep a marriage together by

allowing the man to get some compensatory pleasures out of life.

One husband said just this in so many words to me recently. “If I

hadn’t taken a firm stand within myself,” he told me, “the marriage

would have broken up long ago. I simply decided that, if things were

to work out at all, I just had to pull back from her and not take what

she said to me seriously. If I went on believing half of the attacks

she made on me I couldn’t have lived with myself. And since sex was

no fun, what was there left between us? I’ve made up a social life of

sorts outside of the family for myself. At least I get a little fun out

of life, and since I’m not around mainly I’m not boring her so much and

she’s not boring me so much.”

But the danger is that such defenses and such compensatory activities

will be held onto even if the marriage has been given a chance to turn

from a meaningless one into a deeply meaningful and joyful one. A

husband who wishes to help his wife in her struggle to become a woman,

who wishes to make a marriage where only the semblance of one now

exists, must now examine his attitudes with great honesty, courage, and

thoroughness.

The way ahead of him at the beginning will not be by any means clear

or easygoing. The initial progress of his wife as she undertakes to

change is often barely perceptible. Why should he have any hope that

anything new, exciting, or beautiful could develop from such tentative

starts? And what motive can he develop to turn back, emotionally and

sexually, to a woman who has so often and so thoroughly rejected and

frustrated him? A very strong part of him feels that he has worked

out a precarious inner and outer equilibrium which at least keeps

this semblance of marriage from falling apart entirely. He generally

actively resents the demand on him to alter his attitude, to see his

wife through the inner odyssey on which she now wishes to embark.

We have found that at such a juncture a husband is often helped to

alter his defensive attitude by seriously reflecting on the picture of

marriage and love he had when he first fell in love with his wife. He

should then compare that image of a relationship with the custom-staled

and defeated feelings he has now, compare his first hopes of creatively

shared lives with the empty realities of the present, the time-wasting,

essentially loveless activities he now engages in.

Memories and thoughts of this kind can make him angry, the way a _man_

can get angry, healthfully and aggressively; not at his wife, who now

wants to make up for all that has been lost, but at himself for his

passive acceptance and easy adjustment to a defeated life, a life that

has become a resigned and pointless existence. Such anger is good

because it can clear his inner atmosphere; it can start him back with

renewed resolution on the road to his real desires. For no man who

feels worthy of his manhood ever really accepts a half existence in

love of the kind I have just depicted.

We have found, too, that such husbands can remotivate themselves if

they will contemplate the potentialities of womanhood toward which

their wives now consciously aspire. I have tried throughout this

book to show, in some of their variety, the magnificent and exciting

qualities that characterize true womanhood. I have shown how giving

women can be in their love, how supportive, how filled with deep warmth

and understanding. And I have tried to show how, in sex itself, there

is no responsiveness that can compare even remotely with that of a

loved and emotionally secure woman. If at this critical point in his

marriage a man can clarify what he really wants and then develop the

patience to wait for it, he will be most thoroughly rewarded.

Patience is _very_ important. He will need all of it he can muster

for a time and, at certain points, he may have to remind himself

hard of the rewards at the end of the journey. He can, we find, be

greatly helped by having as thorough a knowledge as possible of the

psychological problems his wife will encounter in her hegira to

womanhood.

I have shown that the path to feminine maturity is not a straight one.

The traveler will often become frightened of the very progress she is

making and for a short time will tend to pull back into her former

neurotic defenses. At such a point the husband must be very clear that

she has not pulled back for good.

The critical period, as we have seen, in a woman’s forward march,

the thing that is apt to make her pull back most strongly and with

most anxiety, is her first encounter with real orgasm. However, the

husband must realize once more that this regression is temporary, too,

even though it lasts for several weeks or, in some cases, longer. The

solicitude of her husband at this point and the reassurance she gets

from the knowledge of his love can be the main factors in her final

victory over her difficulty.

Many psychiatrists make it a practice to discuss with husbands,

whenever it is feasible, the importance of their role in the complete

recovery of their wives. It is a very rare man who, after such

discussions, cannot or will not mobilize his resources to aid his wife

and to see her through her hard struggle. And I know of no woman who

has won a victory over her frigidity who has ignored the fact that her

husband’s help was decisive.

In addition to changing his defensive attitude toward his wife (or

perhaps searching for and recapturing his earlier feelings toward

her), in what other ways can a husband be helpful to his wife as she

struggles toward maturity?

I would say that the primary virtue he should cultivate in himself is

sensitivity, particularly sensitivity to any advances or changes in her

manner of relating to him, to their children, or to friends in their

immediate circle. She is trying to rid herself of a lifelong mistrust

of men and fear of them. She is trying to dare to be soft, warm, and

giving. Every recognition she gets for her efforts will be like manna

to her. In many ways she is like a frightened child, and only total

acceptance can give her enough courage to advance further.

Let me give a simple example of what I mean: The relationship between

a woman patient of mine and her husband had, in the course of their

five-year marriage, deteriorated sadly. In their courtship days

they had been in the habit of giving each other gifts, frequent and

personally meaningful gifts. But now, even on birthdays, they bought

presents “for the home” rather than for each other.

During the course of our work the wife, one cold winter day, on the

spur of a tender moment, bought her husband a very bright yellow scarf

and presented it to him that night. I learned later from him that his

first impulse on receiving the gift was to laugh. He dressed most

conservatively, and the garish scarf was very much out of keeping with

his tastes.

He did not laugh, however, realizing that the gift was an expression of

something new in his wife, that it showed a new concern for him and an

attempt to begin to show it. Instead he kissed her tenderly and wore

the scarf to his office the next day. When he came home that night he

presented her with a lovely platinum watch of a make he had once heard

her admire. “She looked down for a moment,” he told me, “as though she

were confused, and then she looked up at me and put her arms around

me and wept a very long time.” Those tears, of course, were the sure

beginning of a deep thaw. His sensitivity to his wife’s need at this

point in her life had been a decisive element, and her progress from

that point on was greatly accelerated.

In counseling husbands to be sensitively attentive to their wives’

needs during this period of change I must warn against one thing.

Insincerity or artificiality will not work at all, indeed could

actually be harmful. Women are deeply intuitive and can detect any

hypocritical attempt to manipulate them. It is not wise to try to

express love if you do not feel it. A man who cannot experience real

feeling toward his wife should put his main effort into self-inquiry.

He may discover that the anger and hurt that have built up in him

during the unhappy years that are past are too great to handle alone

and he may wish to discuss these intransigent feelings with a counselor

or psychiatrist.

I know of one man who, paying lip service to the idea of helping his

wife, put in a weekly order at the local florist shop for flowers. When

in the next three months she had received “enough,” as she put it, “for

an elaborate funeral,” she begged him to stop sending them.

Another man, having ignored any social life with his wife for

years, was told that she should get away from her household duties

occasionally. He suddenly insisted, therefore, on dragging her on a

round of night clubs and theater parties that would have exhausted

Elsa Maxwell. His wife was essentially rather shy and withdrawn and of

course resented this enforced and artificial approach to her real needs.

Women rightly consider these kinds of gestures a mockery, an expression

of a latent hostility toward them rather than as an expression of love.

Of course women love luxury, going out, gifts--but only when they

express a sensitive awareness on the part of the giver. A rule of thumb

that works is to do what one feels but to refrain firmly from doing

what one doesn’t feel. Somebody once said that the proper mixture for

the real lover is 80 per cent male aggression and 20 per cent feminine

sensitivity. The formula has much to recommend it.

One important thing that husbands and wives must learn to do is to

share their deeper thoughts, problems, and feelings with one another.

Over the years the general withdrawal of both partners has made

communication of any kind most superficial, and hope of any important

contact through conversation has been abandoned almost entirely. When

the wife has finally told her husband of her determination to attack

her problem frontally, the couple now have a new opportunity for

establishing deep lines of communication. If the husband can seize on

this new chance, divest himself of his lonely and habitual reticence,

he can help his wife and their entire relationship immeasurably.

Everything may be discussed in such conversations, although one should

avoid any recrimination or “confessions” that would hurt the other.

Conversation about one’s emotional or reality difficulties, about one’s

loneliness, plans, successes, fears, and hopes, are deeply moving to a

woman. If a man can learn to share his real inner life with his wife it

will help her to realize once more the importance of the woman’s role,

make her know that she has her husband’s confidence in those things

that are of real importance to him.

As I have pointed out, frigid women have little knowledge of what

men are really like. Basically they see men as “powers,” without

worries or fears. When they learn from their husbands’ own lips their

real feelings, these women are very greatly aided in changing their

underlying attitudes.

One woman told me that her whole marriage-long conception of her

husband had been completely altered by one emotional confession from

him. She had told him that she had finally realized her frigidity had

been the cause of the problem between them and that she had determined

to attempt to change herself. He listened quietly as she talked and was

silent for a moment when she finished. Then he said in a low voice:

“I have been terribly lonely without you.” This honest communication

reached past all her neurotic defenses, informed her simply and

directly how important her decision was to him, how human and needful

the husband she had feared and rejected really was.

It is in such real, such personal exchanges with his wife that a man

most often begins to reap the rewards his wife’s decision to change

will bring him. As he expresses himself more and her security in him

deepens, he begins to encounter the depths of tranquillity that have

always lain beneath her defensive exterior; he begins to feel her great

capacity to give him something that he has missed, missed terribly--a

companionship, support, and love that ask for nothing but to be needed.

In this way a new and profound mutuality develops and, cleared of the

fears that have impeded it, the real marriage between these two people

can begin to flourish.

In the sexual aspect of the marriage, as in its psychological aspect,

sensitivity is also the key word for the husband who wishes to help his

wife.

In every case of frigidity that I have encountered the sexual life

between husband and wife has, through the years, become an extremely

self-conscious one. The wife generally is acutely aware of every

genital sensation that she has or every sensation that she does not

have. Her chronic sense of failure is at the root of this hawk-like

attention to her reactions. Often this self-concern has been encouraged

by reading books that emphasize the mechanical aspects of sexual love,

giving her false hopes that somehow she is going to be able to solve

her orgastic problem if she can only get in the right position, make

the right movement, contract the right muscles at the right time, or

teach her husband the right techniques.

Under such circumstances it is impossible for a husband not to react to

his wife’s hyper-narcissism. He tends then to put his awareness of her

experience ahead of his own enjoyment. This is one of the prime reasons

why the sex act for both of them has become anxious and dull.

In sex one’s body can feel only its own raptures. Even the exquisite

sensation of giving the partner pleasure is psychological and, by

definition, important only when it heightens one’s pleasure, not when

it decreases it.

It is very important, therefore, for the husband to drop his

self-consciousness about his wife’s pleasures or lack of them during

intercourse. In fact, both must start with a clean slate on this score,

take the healthy natural view that sexual sensation is a self-centered,

even selfish, matter basically. Overconcern for the other can rob it of

its lusty spontaneity entirely.

This may strike a man as a new conception. In most books on married

sexuality the mutuality of the act is the point emphasized; such books

always speak glowingly of the pleasure one experiences in the other’s

reactions. When frigidity is present this “mutuality” can become a

mockery.

A woman suffering from frigidity will be very relieved if her husband

will make a gentle but blanket announcement to her that she is to drop

her entire concern with orgasm until it happens. I have pointed out

before that this indeed must be her working attitude before she has her

first orgasmic experience. For a husband to affirm that this attitude

is also his can be a great reassurance to her. She will then allow

herself to really enjoy his “selfish” ecstasy without neurotically

fixing on her own localized sensations. Indulging the deeply feminine

role of _giving_ pleasure can be more exciting to her than any other

thing.

Now a word about foreplay--in my opinion one of the most grossly

misunderstood words in the language. Many men, and women too, take it

to mean solely a duty-bound interval in which a man tries to arouse

a woman by physically caressing and kissing her. This mechanistic

interpretation is based on the oft-quoted statement that women are

slower to respond sexually than men and that it is the man’s duty to

arouse her.

I think it is absolutely necessary for this particular conception

of foreplay to be expanded considerably where women who have had

a sexual difficulty are concerned. As we have seen over and over

again, frigidity in women is caused by psychological problems of a

very specific kind. Any exclusively mechanical approach to these

difficulties is foredoomed to failure.

Husbands of women with a frigidity problem are well advised to consider

foreplay primarily a psychological rather than a physical matter.

If you will recall the stages of development the growing girl goes

through, you will remember that they culminate in adolescence. During

that stage a long romantic dream prepares the girl for real love. This

dream of romance never leaves a woman. Foreplay is most successful when

it arouses these dormant romantic feelings. Woman is truly an incurable

romantic.

But what does romance really mean to her? And how can the romantic

feeling be conjured up?

Romantic feelings are aroused in a woman when she feels that her

husband’s entire emotion is fixed on her tenderly and lovingly. She

feels romantic when all the other goals and needs and duties of life

are for the time being relinquished. In such a situation she dares to

relax, to loaf and invite her soul, to concentrate on her deep belief

that love is centrally important, the thing that gives life its meaning

and its beauty. Every woman, at the heart’s deep core, wishes to give

all for love.

Such a mood of romance cannot, of course, be bumped up suddenly, nor

can it be created by a man who feels cynical or abashed by it. To woo a

woman successfully, a man must believe in her dream of love and become

a passionate sharer in it.

Certain things that remove a couple for a while from the highly

goal-centered activities of daily life help to create this romantic

mood. A housewife will respond to a luxurious evening out; putting on

an evening gown can separate her from her housekeeping, penny-pinching

view of herself, and the sight of her husband in a tuxedo can fill

her romantic cup to the brim. A few champagnes and dancing to a good

orchestra, and the magic is complete.

Picnics together, too, can engender a deeply romantic feeling in a

wife. But of course the children should not be along. And the whole

thing should be carried off with a little style. Wine, a good one, is

a must, and the man should know beforehand of a fine and very private

spot for the picnic.

I have known several women who have broken through the barriers of

sexual frigidity during ocean cruises. These seem to represent the

romantic circumstance par excellence, and a husband who can afford them

should add them to his loving calculations.

In my opinion, husbands and wives should arrange their lives to get

some vacation time alone together. With even the best intentions the

duties and responsibilities of life close in on one, tend to take some

of the bloom off the rose. A week, a month if possible, alone together

can help to re-establish vitality and meaning in a marriage.

The fact that a man has stayed with a woman despite her frigidity

and the problems it causes is a testament to the abiding love he has

for her. If he will forget his old despair now that his wife has

taken responsibility in the relationship, call on his real manhood

to reassert itself in helping her to her goal, his rewards can be as

bounteous as femininity can bestow.

_Chapter 19_

THE LORE OF LOVE

In this book, as you have noted, I have taken a firm stand against

any mechanical approach to love or love-making. This represents the

psychiatric view of love and is based on the premise that frigidity is

psychological in nature and that the resolution of it must be therefore

a psychological one.

The mechanical approach is based on the premise that love-making is an

art or even a science that can be learned, as the piano or chemistry

can be learned. From the psychiatric view the so-called art of love is

instinctual. The perfectly free person, if one can be imagined, would,

if he loved and were loved in return, soon become a sophisticated

practitioner of this art with the barest of preparation.

I recall an anecdote that illustrates this point. It was told to me

by a sociologist who was conducting a survey of married couples in an

effort to find the correlation between premarital advice and sexual

happiness. While questioning one healthy couple whose marriage was

obviously happy, he asked the husband:

“And did your parents give you any advice?”

“Yes.”

“Which parent?”

“My father.”

“Did he give you a thorough briefing?”

Pause. “Yes, it was brief.” Pause. “And it was thorough.”

“What did he tell you?”

“You want his words?”

“Yes, if you like.”

“He said, ‘Everything goes.’”

However, such free spirits as this one are relatively rare in our

society. Usually more instruction is needed. Taboos against sexuality

have characterized Western civilization. The art of love, therefore,

seems to me to be largely the art of getting over societally induced

ignorance, superstition, and inhibition.

Here’s how I view the matter. When through the methods employed in this

section or through therapy one has at length achieved psychological

maturity and therefore vaginal orgasm is no longer blocked, an

examination of some of the technical information about love-making can

be helpful. Before that point, such lore tends to lead to an inhibiting

self-consciousness.

It is generally agreed by students of the matter that spontaneity in

sexual relations must never be lost. Married life tends to impose a

rather rigid pattern in all areas of living. Such routinization is a

necessity if the world’s work is to get done. For most people, for

example, it becomes necessary to breakfast every day at the same time,

in the same place, and in the same manner. If one allows this to happen

to sexuality one is imprisoning the unicorn, exposing love-making to a

loss of its magic.

Variety is the spice that married love often needs, and it takes no

great effort to be various in love-making. It takes only a sense of

its importance and the knowledge of a few minimal facts.

One method of preserving spontaneity is to prevent love-making from

always occurring at the same time. Evenings in most homes tend to

follow a pattern. Supper must be cooked, dishes must be done, children

must be put to bed. And then there’s television or guests. I have had

many men and women defend the proposition that, since love-making tends

to make them sleepy when it is finished, the last moments of the day

are by necessity the time for love.

But this is making convenience a necessity. And love is too beautiful,

too centrally important to be domesticated so. If it can laugh at

locksmiths, it can also, once every week or two, laugh behind locked

bedroom doors. Children have homework to do or a television program

to watch, and anyhow, it is good for them to realize that Mother and

Father spend some time alone and love to.

Dishes can wait occasionally, too, at least in the name of love. And

a television program is rarely so good or demanding that a delicious

sleepiness won’t improve it.

Desire often arises unbidden and for no apparently rational reason. Men

are more subject to outside stimuli than women and are perhaps more

uninhibited, so the inception of love-making at unroutine times may

most frequently originate with them. But women, too, when they feel the

urge should realize that they can initiate a passionate interlude and

should not prevent themselves from doing so. It is proper and good that

a woman should do this. And her husband will love it.

I am assuming that the partners in such delightfully off-hour trysts

are sensitive to each other’s responses. What every man and woman must

realize is that it is perfectly all right to say no if one is fatigued

or preoccupied. But the nay-saying must be gentle, and if it is so and

the partner who makes the advance is hurt, he or she must examine the

rejected feeling, take full responsibility for it, and dispose of it.

Holding onto such feelings causes one to fear making advances, and

this will deprive the relationship of one of the best techniques for

maintaining spontaneity. It is insensitive and unloving to force a

partner by sulking or other forms of psychological blackmail to satisfy

a need. It is far easier for the ardent one to wait; the time will come

soon enough; the fact that you have announced your desire has a delayed

reaction on your loved one.

Waking in the middle of the night, many men find themselves prepared

for love-making, the penis firmly erect. And many women love to be

awakened from their sleep to find themselves mistily, dreamily in the

embrace of love; the body on waking is often very sensual.

Changes on the time for love can be rung in a variety of ways, and it

is advisable to see that they are. Not too much effort is necessary;

the hour at the end of the day when one is preparing for sleep will

still remain the basic time for intercourse. It will need but an

occasional switch in time to keep this customary trysting hour from

losing its quality of ever-renewed excitement.

Another and perhaps even more basic technique for preserving the

spontaneity of sex is that of varying the position used during

intercourse. In most relationships one preferred position generally

evolves. If this position is always adopted, the feeling of a

monotonous repetitiveness can enter the love situation, and this must

be guarded against.

This fact has been recognized from earliest times, and efforts to

combat it have given rise through the centuries to a vast number of

books on the subject. Hindu, Greek, Roman, and Persian literature

record hundreds of sexual positions and animadversions, and if one

has a library of erotica available and is sufficiently curious these

positions may be studied. However, such a proliferation of detail can

become exhausting and even morbid and absurd--though perhaps gaily

absurd. Most of the modern books which dispense direct sexual advice

obtain their material from these ancient sources.

There are only five basic positions which have real relevance to most

couples. I am going to describe them so that when you encounter them or

wish yourself to change from your usual position you will not feel that

they are strange, awkward, or so exotic as to cause you feelings of

shyness, embarrassment, or guilt.

The first position, of course, is the ventro-ventral (or face to face)

position, with the man on top and the woman on the bottom with her

knees up. Not even the most puritanically reared person will demur at

this position, for it is the classical sexual position used in our

society.

It is, if used properly, perhaps the best position for sexual union. It

allows for deep penetration of the vagina by the penis, and because it

leaves the pelvic regions of both partners free, it allows for variety

in sexual movement, though the man has more freedom of movement in this

position than the woman.

There’s an old but apt joke about this position. A young chorus girl

asks an older one what her definition of a gentleman is. The older one

promptly replies: “One who leans on his elbows.” Men should remember

that this fact can be pertinent. The full weight of the heavy man can

be quite tiring even to a very passionate woman.

A pleasant variant of this position can be achieved if a pillow is

placed under the buttocks of the woman before intercourse. If it is

placed a little toward the small of the back, those women who receive

preliminary pleasure from friction between the clitoris and the penis

will find the contact easier to effect. If it is placed a bit forward

it will be very exciting to those who get a great deal of sensation

from pressure of the penis against the posterior walls of the vagina.

Generally in this classical position the woman simply spreads her

legs and raises them (lying with the legs straight down makes vaginal

entrance difficult for the male). Those who enjoy stimulation of the

posterior vaginal wall may lock their legs around their partner’s hips.

Those who in the initial stages of intercourse are most aroused by

clitoral stimulation may close their legs; in this position the man is

half kneeling, straddling his partner’s hips. This latter position is

not too comfortable for the man if it is maintained for long. A less

arduous position for the man is achieved if he straddles one of his

partner’s legs and enters the vagina at a slightly oblique angle. This

allows the woman to close the leg that is free, which gives maximum

contact of all portions of the vulva with the penis.

The next major position reverses the top-bottom roles. The woman, in

this variant, is on the top, the man on the bottom.

Many couples feel inhibited about this position. The man will often

feel “feminized,” the woman “masculinized.” Such relativistic concepts

of what is male and what is female could actually have any application

only if this were the chief position in which a couple had intercourse.

And even this fact could be altered by circumstance; for example, the

woman might be physically very small and the man very large and heavy.

This position is adopted either as a spontaneous change for variety’s

sake or because the woman may be feeling far more energetic than the

man at the moment; the partner on top, of course, does the major

portion of the moving. Psychologically this position can represent an

expression of tenderness on the woman’s part. If her husband feels

sensual but fatigued, she can give him pleasure without making it

necessary for him to develop the usual amount of male aggressiveness.

Such a passive role can be exciting to a man on occasion, and he should

allow himself to indulge it.

In this position the woman may straddle her husband’s hips; this

occasions very deep penetration, and may be particularly pleasurable

because since she is in charge she may feel freer to exert more than

the usual pressure of the penis against the cervix. In this position,

too, she may lie on top of her husband, her legs supported by his,

or she may lie between his legs. In these two latter positions the

clitoris can be brought into very close contact with the penis, and

this is of course very pleasant for women who become aroused in this

fashion.

Another alternative for love-making is the face to face and sideways

position. In this position, since the woman is generally the lighter of

the two, one of her legs is placed over the man’s hips; this allows him

to insert his penis at a slightly oblique angle. Pillows for head and

shoulder are generally necessary if this position is maintained for the

entire intercourse.

The next position is the dorso-ventral position, in which the

man’s penis enters the woman’s vagina from the back. If the entire

intercourse is performed while lying sideways, this is perhaps the most

“restful” of all positions. For obvious reasons it is sometimes the

preferred form for intercourse during pregnancy.

This position is often extremely exciting to a man. I do not know

exactly why this is so, though it has been suggested that the

position suggests the “animality” of pure lust. And this idea could

be stimulated by the fact that the position is the familiar one that

animals take. Or perhaps the fact that the partners are not face to

face may remove some of the personal factor from the sexual embrace,

giving it a more primordial and impersonal character. This may be the

reason men may find it more enjoyable than women, their sexual natures

being, as we have seen, somewhat more deeply rooted in their biology

than the woman’s sexual nature. I must emphasize, however, that these

ideas are merely speculative.

The dorso-ventral position can also be assumed with the woman kneeling,

or standing up and bending over, supporting herself against a chair

or wall with her hands. It can be achieved less athletically if the

man sits on a chair and his partner sits on his lap, although this

obviously allows for less movement by both.

The last general position I shall describe here is the standing

position. It is a particularly arduous position for the male; he

generally must bend his knees slightly to enter and must hold onto his

partner’s buttocks to maintain entrance.

I think these are the major sexual positions which it is relevant to

know and to adopt when the mood is upon one. Most of the “hundreds” of

others described in the literature of antiquity are subtle variations

of these and have no particular application to the love-making a

modern couple might engage in. Indeed, I think it is apparent that any

excessive preoccupation with such nuances could indicate a morbidity,

may be a confession that the person, far from having achieved sexual

maturity, is in some profound way impotent.

There is one further point I should like to make about these positions.

While men can usually have an orgasm in any position, many women, if

not most, achieve it most completely and satisfyingly in one favorite

position. This is perfectly consonant with full psychological and

sexual maturity, and one should in no wise feel the slightest bit

apologetic about it. It is absolutely advisable to make this fact known

to one’s partner in love. He will, of course, if you are both feeling

positionally experimental, return to the position you prefer when you

are ready to have your climax.

* * * * *

A psychiatrist is asked a wide variety of questions about sexuality

by his patients. Here are some of the more frequent areas about which

individuals seem to wish further information:

(1) _Frequency of intercourse_

There are no rules whatever about this, though suggestions about what

is “normal” have been made from earliest times. Mohammed the Prophet

stated that once a week was best; Martin Luther found that twice a week

“does harm neither to her nor to me.”

In these days of sociological studies there have of course been endless

attempts to find the statistical norm for frequency of intercourse.

The Margaret Sanger Research Bureau in 1933 released figures showing

that, of ten thousand cases investigated, sexual intercourse occurred

from one to three times per week--4 per cent had intercourse one or

more times daily. Kinsey found that frequency depended greatly on the

age of the husband; men between twenty-one and twenty-five showed an

intercourse rate of just over three times per week; those between

thirty-one and thirty-five showed a frequency rate of a little more

than twice a week; those aged forty-one to forty-five had intercourse

on an average of one and one half times a week; and men over fifty-six

averaged less than once a week.

These studies, of course, always show wide variations in individual

cases.

In my opinion frequency of intercourse is entirely an individual

matter. The only criterion of any importance is that both partners feel

completely satisfied with the amount of intercourse they are having.

If one of the partners is dissatisfied, the subject should be open for

discussion in a very frank manner. No cause for feelings of rejection

by a partner should be allowed to develop in silence.

There will always be periods in which, because of exterior

circumstances (pregnancy, business worries, sickness, etc.), the rate

of intercourse in any marriage may slow down or stop for a while.

(2) _Variations in woman’s sexual desire_

There are such variations, as far as most of the research undertaken

so far can determine. Katherine Davis, in a study of one thousand

married women, and studies by Marie Stokes, Therese Benedek, and others

indicate that the desire of women vary during the menstrual cycle.

According to Hannah and Abraham Stone, who have made a study of a

large number of women, “Most … state that their erotic impulses are

increased either a few days before the onset of the menstrual flow or,

more usually, right after menstruation, although the latter rise may be

partly due to the abstinence which is generally maintained during the

menstrual week.” Stokes reported also a second rise of sexual desire at

some point in the middle of the menstrual month. There are apparently

individual differences in the cycle of desire, and a woman can best

determine for herself her own particular rhythm.

There is much to be learned about this matter. The relationship between

hormonal secretion and female sexuality and “femininity” has been most

recently studied by Therese Benedek in her book _Psychosexual Functions

in Women_. This is a technical book, but anyone interested in this

aspect of the subject will find the material fascinating.

As far as can be determined, there is no corresponding cycle of desire

in the male.

(3) _Length of intercourse_

This is entirely an individual matter. It varies with each couple and

often with each intercourse. Indeed, this variability in time can add

to the spontaneity factor in intercourse.

There seems to be only one basic rule governing the length of time; to

see that the other partner achieves orgasm if it is desired. This often

means that the husband must postpone his climax until the wife achieves

hers. Most men are able to learn to control the moment at which they

reach orgasm and therefore can wait until their wives are ready.

Orgasm in unison is widely held to be the most desirable form of

climax. However, I have had many people of both sexes report that they

preferred to reach climax immediately before or immediately after their

partners. Some say that they are distracted by the other’s movements

at this juncture. Others say that they profoundly enjoy the partner’s

excitement and that they prefer to have a modicum of ego left to

experience it more completely.

Some women have two or more orgasms to their husband’s one. By far the

majority of men have only one orgasm per intercourse. If on occasion

a man has his ejaculation before the woman achieves her climax, she

will often continue her movements until she is satisfied. However,

the glans penis (head of the penis) of many men becomes extremely

sensitive immediately after orgasm, and in that case the woman may have

to postpone her satisfaction until the next time. If she continues her

movements it may cause her husband to have unpleasant sensations, even

though he may still have an erection and thus appear to be able to

continue.

(4) _Limits to love-making_

I am often asked the question whether any sexual practice between

husband and wife could be considered “unhealthy” or “wrong.” In my

opinion, certain practices could be considered so, though I know I am

at variance with certain sexologists. A long discussion of the matter,

however, would take us into psychological and even perhaps moral realms

which I do not feel are pertinent to this book. As a rule of thumb,

I would say that any practice that does not culminate in intercourse

tends to be regressive and infantile if it becomes a chief method of

sexual expression. Also, insistence on any practice that cannot be

shared pleasurably by the partner is likewise regressive.

The so-called “polymorphus perverse” pleasures are aspects of foreplay

and not ends in themselves. The primacy of the oral, anal, onanistic,

or sado-masochistic forms of sexuality is a hallmark of the immature

personality. Another unmistakable sign of such immaturity (or even of

downright psychic illness) is the insistence on _any_ form of sexuality

not heartily endorsed by one’s partner.

(5) _Contraception_

To use or not to use contraceptives is a personal matter that every

individual must settle for himself.

When the responsibility for contraception is up to the woman, she

should always be prepared for intercourse whenever it is even remotely

possible. There is nothing so deadening to sexual excitement as the

woman who comes to love unprepared and must interrupt the process to

put her diaphragm on. If this is a repetitive situation in marital

life it is almost a certain sign that the woman has not yet accepted

her feminine role. The tacit assumption when you obtain a diaphragm is

that you are accepting the responsibility for contraception. There is

rarely any need, other than a negative one on the woman’s part, for

this to interfere or to impinge on sexual intercourse in any manner.

The husband is quite correct who interprets chronic remissiveness of

this sort as an unsolved problem of his wife.

ADDENDA I

Many women will find that with the methods prescribed here their

frigidity can be conquered. Some, however, will find that though they

can be helped by using these techniques they cannot achieve their goal

without outside help. Throughout the book I have tried to indicate the

kind of person and the kind of problem that may require additional

therapeutic aid, and I have tried to indicate that a person who needs

such outside help should feel no sense of shame about that fact nor

hesitancy about seeking it. Indeed, one of my chief reasons for writing

this book has been to open vistas hitherto unknown to many women. If

reading it has but started you on the road to mature femininity, its

chief function has been accomplished.

How does one decide whether outside aid is indicated?

There is no rule of thumb that will cover all cases. Some may decide

that they would prefer to start and finish their work on this problem

with a trained therapist. Others may start alone but find that

self-exploration, the surfacing of painful emotions and attitudes and

fantasies, is too difficult and confusing and decide to seek expert

guidance. Still others may find that though they can go a long

distance alone the final goal will elude them if they do not consult

with a trained worker in the field.

If and when one does decide that outside help is necessary, one

should know how to find qualified people in this field. The following

information, then, is proffered to aid you in that respect.

Your family physician can be most helpful. If he has the time he may

be able to counsel you directly, act as a guide to those insights that

will help you to achieve your goal. More than likely, however, you will

find that his schedule is far too heavy to permit him to do this, no

matter how much he would wish to do so. In that case he will refer you

to another person who is qualified to give such help or to a proper

agency.

If for any reason you cannot obtain a referral from your own physician,

it is important to know to whom you may turn for help in your community.

There are three kinds of specialists who are trained to give you

proper counseling for your problem. These are psychiatrists, clinical

psychologists, and social workers.

The hospital in your community can usually give you the name of a

person in one of these specialties whom you could consult privately.

Such hospitals may also have outpatient counseling clinics, and these

are staffed by competent psychotherapists. If your hospital does not

maintain such a service it will nevertheless know where you can obtain

help.

One of the resources you have open to you may be one of the so-called

“family agencies.” You can have confidence in such agencies. They are

devoted to the task of resolving any and all types of family problems

and are frequently staffed by social workers with excellent training in

marriage counseling.

Many American communities are relatively rich in counseling resources,

but there are also many where psychological help is difficult to

obtain. If your doctor or your local hospital cannot help you, it may

be necessary for you to journey to the nearest large city to obtain

aid. If you wish to obtain the names of the qualified psychiatrists

nearest your residence you may write to the American Psychiatric

Association, 1270 Sixth Avenue, New York, N.Y., and they will furnish

you with the required information. Be certain that in your letter you

specify the urban center nearest you.

ADDENDA II

There is no book that covers the problem of psychological frigidity in

women as such. However, the books listed below may be helpful adjuncts

to a thorough understanding of the problem. I have divided them into

two categories, popular and technical.

The popular books can be understood by all. The technical books I list

are generally used by physicians, but much in them can be understood by

the intelligent layman.

POPULAR

_The Art of Loving_, Erich Fromm (New York: Harper, 1956).

_A Marriage Manual_, Hannah and Abraham Stone (New York: Simon and

Schuster, 1952).

_Modern Woman--The Lost Sex_, Lundberg and Farnham (New York: Harper,

1947).

_Marriage, Morals and Sex in America_, Sidney Ditzion (New York:

Bookman Associates, 1953).

_Psychology of Sex Relations_, Theodor Reik (New York: Rinehart, 1945).

_The Christian Interpretation of Sex_, Otto Piper (New York: Scribner,

1941).

TECHNICAL

_Factors in the Sex Life of Twenty-Two Hundred Women_, K. B. Davis

(New York: Harper, 1929).

_Female Sexuality_, Marie Bonaparte (New York: International

Universities Press, 1953).

_The Psychology of Women_ (Vols. 1 and 2), Helene Deutsch (New York:

Grune and Stratton, 1944-45).

_Psychosexual Functions in Women_, Therese Benedek (New York: Ronald

Press, 1952).

* * * * * *

Transcriber’s note:

A few minor typographical errors have been silently corrected.

The cover image was prepared by the transcriber and is placed in the

public domain.