TIME--_Saturday night, about_ 11.30. Mr. TOOVEY _is alone_.
_Mr. Toovey_ (_to himself_). Oh the inestimable blessing of having
nothing on one's mind again! How providential that I found LARKINS in!
He was a little unsympathetic at first, to be sure; he _would_ have it
that I must have known all along what the Eldorado really was! but as
soon as he saw how strongly I felt about it, he was _most_ helpful. I
could _not_ have gone to that place this evening; how could I have met
CORNELIA'S eye after it? As it is, I can face her without---- Surely
she is later than usual from this Zenana meeting! (_Wheels are heard
outside._) A cab? I do hope nothing is the matter! Why, that sounds
like--like a _latchkey_! Can it be--ah!--a dispute with the cabman--it
_must_ be CORNELIA!
[_The front door bangs._
_A Voice_ (_in earnest remonstrance through the keyhole_). 'Ere, I
say, you don't sneak off like _that_, you know! I _knowed_ you was no
good the minnit I clapped eyes on you! Are you going to gimme my legal
fare or not? I ain't goin' till I git it. I want another shellin' orf
o' you I do!
_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). Another shilling? Why, it's under a mile!
He little knows my wife's principles if he expects----
_The Voice._ You orter be _ashimed_ o' yourself! A lydy like you
to tyke a man orf his rank at this toime o' noight, all the w'y
from----(_The front door is hastily unlocked again._) Thankee,
mum, thankee; lor, I only want what's my doo, and the distance 'ere
from----
[_The door shuts with a bang._
_Mr. Toov._ She's given him the extra shilling--she _can't_ be well!
I'm afraid she's really poorly. She's gone into the drawing-room, but
there are no lights there. She'll be here directly.
[_He sits up expectantly._
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, in the hall_). Just as I expected.
THEOPHILUS not home yet! I shall sit up for him in the study. (_She
opens the study door, and starts_.) So _there_ you are, Pa! And pray
when did _you_ come in?
_Mr. Toov._ (_mildly_). Yes, my love, here I am; I've been in a long
while, quite a long while.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). And he imagines I believe _that!_
(_Aloud._) I understood you intended to spend the evening with
CHARLES.
_Mr. Toov._ So I did, my dear, so I did. I went to his rooms.
_Mrs. Toov._ And you went out somewhere together, Pa? Come, you won't
deny _that_!
_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). What a mercy I didn't go to that Eldorado!
I should have _had_ to tell her! (_Aloud._) Why you see we--we didn't
go anywhere. I found CHARLES was engaged to dine with a friend, so I
went away again.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). A very likely story! Where has THEOPHILUS
learnt such brazen duplicity? (_Aloud._) Oh! and then of course you
came straight home?
_Mr. Toov._ Why, no, my love; not immediately. I--I suddenly
recollected that I had to see a friend on--on a little matter of
business which was--hem--somewhat pressing, so I went there first of
all.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, contemptuously_). Exactly the excuse in all
those horrid songs! (_Aloud._) And the business kept you rather late,
eh, Pa? Some business _is_ apt to do so, I know!
_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). She makes me almost feel as if I'd gone
after all! (_Aloud._) I _was_ a little late, my dear, not so very.
I suppose I must have been home between eight and nine, and PH[OE]BE
brought me up some nice cold mutton and the apple-tart, so I did very
well, very well indeed.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). If he is deceiving me, I can soon find
out from the look of the joint and tart!
_Mr. Toov._ By the way, my love, surely _you_ are rather late this
evening, are you not? it's nearly twelve!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, with a start_). Oh, but I will _not_ fib
unless he forces me to. (_Aloud._) I--I was detained later than I
expected.
_Mr. Toov._ And you didn't expect to be back so very early either, for
you took the latchkey, didn't you?
MRS. TOOV. I happened to find it, Pa, and I thought I might as well
use it--and why not?
_Mr. Toov._ It was most thoughtful of you, my love, to think of
saving PH[OE]BE. By the way, do you notice----? (_He looks round him
suspiciously._) Ah, well, it may be my fancy. And you had a successful
meeting? were there many interesting speeches?
_Mrs. Toov_ (_choking_). As--as interesting as usual, THEOPHILUS! (_To
herself._) I 'm sure _that's_ true enough!
_Mr. Toov._ And supper provided afterwards, I suppose? Which accounts
for your being late. Dear--dear me!
[_His face grows troubled again._
_Mrs. Toov._ Is there any reason why there _shouldn't_ be supper
afterwards, Pa?
_Mr. Toov._ Not in _that_ house. Our dear friends the CUMBERBATCHES do
everything on such a truly hospitable scale. Now, most people in their
position would have considered tea and coffee and sandwiches _quite_
sufficient. Was it a _hot_ supper, my love?
_Mrs. Toov._ (_desperately_). Yes--no--_rather_ hot--I didn't notice.
You ask such preposterous questions, THEOPHILUS!
_Mr. Toov._ I didn't mean to. I was just a little surprised, do you
know, at your taking a cab for such a short distance. I thought you
might have felt unwell; but perhaps dear Mrs. CUMBERBATCH insisted----
_Mrs. Toov._ Why, of course, Pa; you know how kind and considerate she
is; otherwise I should never have dreamed of----
_Mr. Toov._ Just what I thought, my love. But wasn't the cabman rather
uncivil? I wonder you gave way to him--unless, of course, he was
drunk.
_Mrs. Toov._ He _was_--disgracefully drunk, Pa; if you heard so much,
you must have noticed that; and how you could sit quietly here and
never think of coming to my assistance! Ah, it is hardly for _you_ to
reproach me for submitting to his extortion!
_Mr. Toov._ Indeed, my love, I'd no idea--you are generally so very
firm with cabmen that---- (_Changing the subject._) By-the-bye, I
don't know if you noticed a note for you lying on the hall table? It
must have come after you left. It looked to me wonderfully like dear
Mrs. CUMBERBATCH'S writing, but what could she have to write about
when she would be seeing you directly? Did she allude to it at all?
_Mrs. Toov._ From ELIZA CUMBERBATCH? No; at least, she--I'll go and
get it. (_She goes into the hall and finds the note._) Good gracious,
it _is_ ELIZA'S hand! (_She reads it hurriedly under the hall-lamp._)
"Just a line. Zenana meeting postponed at last moment. Will let you
know when another day fixed. Well, it will save me the trouble of
writing to her; but, oh dear, the stories I've been telling Pa! But
he's as bad--I _know_ he's as bad!
_Mr. Toov._ (_as_ Mrs. T. _returns_). So you found the note, CORNELIA,
and what does Mrs. CUMBERBATCH say?
_Mrs. Toov._ (_putting the note in the fire_). It--it was only
from--from my dressmaker. (_To herself._) He _drives_ me to this!
_Mr. Toov._ (_again uneasy_). Do you know, CORNELIA, I--I may be
wrong, but I've a very strong suspicion that----
_Mrs. Toov._ (_in terror_). Pa, speak out! In--in the name of Heaven,
_what_ is it you suspect?
_Mr. Toov._ It's getting stronger every moment. I'm sure of it. My
love, there's a strange man downstairs in the kitchen!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_with a gasp of relief_). A man! Oh, this must be seen
into at once! (_She rings the bell furiously; presently_ PH[OE]BE
_appears, evidently only half-awake_.) PH[OE]BE, what does this mean?
I insist on the truth!
_Ph[oe]be_. I'm very sorry m'm, but I'd no idea you was home, and I
was sitting up for you downstairs, and I expect I must have dropped
asleep, and never heard you come in.
_Mrs. Toov._ Don't attempt to deceive _me_! You are entertaining a man
downstairs, contrary to all my orders. Yes, it's useless to deny it,
your master has distinctly heard sounds.
_Mr. Toov._ No, my love, I can't exactly say as much as
that--but--yes, every time the door opens it's more perceptible! (_He
sniffs._) Don't you observe yourself, my dear, a remarkably strong
odour of tobacco-smoke? Now, as I never have been a smoker myself, it
stands to reason that----
[_Mrs. T. suddenly sits down, scarlet._
[Illustration: "Mrs. Toovey suddenly sits down, scarlet."]
_Ph[oe]be_ (_roused_). I'm sure if you and master suspect me of
concealing followers downstairs, you're welcome to search as much as
you please! Cook's gone up to bed hours ago, and for a poor girl to
be kep' up to this time o' night, and then have her character took
away--why, I'm not accustomed to such treatment, and, what's more, put
up with it I _won't_.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, guiltily_). It's that filthy smoke at the
Eldorado! (_Aloud._) THEOPHILUS, how can you have such ridiculous
fancies? Tobacco, indeed! I--_I_ don't notice anything. PH[OE]BE, it
was a mistake of your master's; I don't blame you in the least. There,
you've sat up long enough, go to bed, go, girl!
_Ph[oe]be._ Beggin' your pardon, m'm, but insinuations have been
descended to which I can't pass over in a hurry, and before I go I
should wish----
_Mrs. Toov._ (_feverishly_). I tell you it was all a mistake. Your
master will apologise for it. Pa, say you're sorry!
_Ph[oe]be._ I don't require no apologies from _master_, m'm. I can
make allowances for _him_--more partickler as there's no mistake about
there being a smell of tobaccer-smoke. I don't wonder at _anyone_
noticing it. It's your sending for me like this, and trying to shift
the blame on the innercent, when all the time----
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). This is too intolerable! (_Aloud._)
Haven't I _said_ I didn't blame you, you unreasonable girl! Let us
have no more of this impertinence! Leave us!
_Ph[oe]be._ I will, m'm, as soon as ever you can get suited, for, to
tell you the truth, I don't like such goings on as these; and I'll
take care I get a good character, too, or I'll know the reason why!
(_As she closes the door._) And I 'ope master will satisfy himself
where the smell of tobacco reelly _does_ come from, I'm sure; it isn't
from _downstairs_!
[_She vanishes, leaving Mrs. T. petrified._
_Mr. Toov._ You see, my love, it couldn't have been all my fancy,
because PH[OE]BE noticed it too. Dear me, it's late; I'd better go and
see that everything is locked up. (_As he passes_ Mrs. T.) It's very
extraordinary. Surely they don't allow any of the missionaries to
smoke at these Zenana meetings, my love--do they?
_Mrs. Toov._ Of course they don't. I--I am at a loss to understand
you. THEOPHILUS, and--and I am going to bed.
_Mr. Toov._ No, but really---- Why, I _see_ how it was! Depend upon
it, my dear, that cabman must have been sitting inside the vehicle
smoking, with the windows up, before you got in. Yes, yes; that
accounts for everything.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_faintly_). Do you think so, THEOPHILUS? I--I remember
noticing a smell of cigars.
_Mr. Toov._ (_as he goes out_). My poor dear love, _what_ a trial for
you; and you never complained! Now, when I see dear Mrs CUMBERBATCH at
church to-morrow, I must really caution her not to employ that cabman
again--she may have taken his number, and he really ought to lose his
licence--drunk, and smoking inside his cab! Oh, I shall tell her!
[_He goes out._
_Mrs. Toov._ (_alone_). Pa shall _not_ go to church to-morrow. _I_
will take care of that, and by the time he sees ELIZA again he will
have forgotten all about it. Is he doing all this to cover his own
misdoings? I can't rest till I know! I will make CHARLES tell me
on Monday. But what if Pa is blameless? No, he must have been doing
_something_ he oughtn't to. It would be too horrible if it turned out
that I--_I_ am the only person who has been (_she catches her breath
with a shudder_) "hi-tiddley-ing," as those vulgar wretches would
call it! There 's only one comfort that I can see; nobody here is ever
likely to know, unless I choose to betray myself. Oh dear! oh dear! I
wish I could forget this awful evening!
[_She ascends the stairs with a heavy and dispirited tread_.