(_See the Report of the Lady Commissioners on Women's Labour._)
Waitress! with the dimpled chin,
Cap as clean as a new pin,
Here's a feather to put in!
For Miss ORME'S report declares
That no male with you compares
In the showing off of wares.
Be it counter, be it bar,
You can "dress" it--you're its star,
Bright, and _most_ particular!
Grievances you have, no doubt;
Which of us exists without?
Still, you do not pine or pout.
Standing with reluctant feet
Always ready, trim, and neat,
No one tells _you_--"Take a seat!"
Hours are long, and meal-time short,
Mashing bores, who think it "sport,"
Say the things they didn't ought!
Gather, then, the tips that fall;
Don't let vulgar chaff appal;
To the Bar you've had your "call"!
* * * * *
CON. FOR COMPETITIVE SPORTSMEN.--_Q._ What is the most unpopular thing
in the (sporting) world? _A._ A "record," because it is always being
"cut," by everybody, everywhere, every day.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE GREAT AFRICAN LION-TAMER.]
["He fully admitted the difficulties of the Government and
Sir HENRY LOCH. Both found themselves to be in a most
exceptionally difficult position, created by those who had
gone before them by granting in the wrong way the charter to
the Company. He admitted that both Lord RIPON and Sir HENRY
LOCH did their best in the circumstances for a long time to
maintain peace; both urged that war should be avoided.... Mr.
RHODES was Prime Minister of Cape Colony, and obviously Sir
HENRY LOCH had an exceedingly difficult position in dealing
as Prime Minister and as the head of the Company with that
gentleman, to whom he could not say that he did not quite
believe him, and that he was forcing on the war."--_Mr.
Labouchere on the Chartered Company and Matabeleland._]
_Lion-Tamer_ (_grandly_). "Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen! See
the great African live lion, Matabele--called Lo Ben for short--larger
than (average) life, and thrice as natural as normal (menagerie)
nature! Walk up! Walk up! Taming process just about to begin----
_Agent of Menagerie Proprietor_ (_sotto voce_). Oh, well you
know--subject, of course, to--ahem!--every provision being made
for--a--_humanity_--and--ahem--every precaution being taken
against--a--a--needless risks, you know, and--a--obvious cruelty, you
see--and--ahem!--all that sort of thing, don't you know.
_Lion-Tamer_ (_nettled_). No, I _don't_ know, dontcher know. And
what's more I don't believe _you_ know, dontcher know, nor your
guv'nors neither, for that matter. What _is_ your little game, anyhow?
_Agent_ (_with some assumption of dignity_). We have _no_ "little
game." Little Game is not the word. Lions, I believe, are generally
called "Big Game," by NIMRODS and others.
[_Sniggers as one who has scored._
_Lion-Tamer_ (_sardonically_). NIMROD, indeed! Ah! a mighty hunter
before the Lords _you_ are, ain't you? You and your lot! Rural rabbits
and parochial foxes are G----'s "Big Game," eh?
_Agent._ This is neither the time nor the place to argue that point.
Your business is lion-taming; ours is menagerie-managing.
_Lion-Tamer_ (_scornfully_). All right, my noble swell! Manage _him_!
[_Pointing to Lion, who is ramping and roaring._
_Agent._ Not at all, not at all!
[_Spectators become impatient._
_Lion-Tamer._ Well, look here, do you want this lion tamed for you, or
do you _not_?
_Agent._ Why, cert'n'ly! Subject of course to the assistance--ahem!--I
_should_ say _supervision_ of LOCH and myself.
_Lion-Tamer._ Ah, "supervise" away as much as you please, only don't
interfere with me. The old game! Stand by while I do the dangerous
part of the business, hamper me as much as you can, and when, in spite
of you all, I am successfully through, take the business--and the
credit--over yourselves!
_Agent_ (_aside_). Wonderful man, very. Wish I quite knew what to
make of him. Lion-tamers, like fire, are excellent servants, but bad
masters. All alike, all alike, CLIVE, WARREN HASTINGS, Rajah BROOKE,
Jamaica EYRE, BARTLE FRERE, GORDON, all wonderful, and--in the
end--very useful, but worrying, worrying!
_Lion-Tamer_ (_proceeding_). Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen!
All in to begin! See the big black-maned African lion, fresh from
Mashonaland wilds; bigger than CHURCHILL ever chased or SELOUS
slew, or VAN AMBURGH subdued, tamed in the twinkling of an assegai,
conquered in the 'tss! of a Hotchkiss, by the Great South African
Lion-Tamer, RHODOROWDIDOW the Rumbistical.
_Spectators._ Hooray! Hooray!! Hoo-_ray!!!_
_Agent_ (_aside_). How wonderfully popular these thrasonical
wild-beast tamers and prancing proconsul sort of fellows are--with the
gallery!
_Lion-Tamer_ (_to attendant_). I say, just hand me the loaded whip,
and--keep the poker hot, in case of emergency----
_Agent_ (_hurriedly_). Oh, here, I say; that will never do,
RHODOROWDIDOW!
_Lion-Tamer_ (_impatiently_). What do you mean?
_Agent._ Why, you know, loaded bludgeons and red-hot pokers _read_
too much like--_Cruelty to Animals_! What _would_ LABBY and the
Humanitarians say? You're none too popular already, you know, in
certain quarters. Your masterful little ways and monetary success have
put a good many backs up. We mustn't run any needless risks, RHODO.
_Wouldn't_ this little toy-whip and this big bottle of (_medicated_)
rose-water do as well?
_Lion-Tamer_ (_scornfully_). _Was it with Rose-water that "John
Company" tamed your Indian tiger for you?_
* * * * *
[Illustration: TWO WAYS OF LOOKING AT IT.
_Sporting Farmer_ (_who has been kind enough to give a mount to our
friend 'Arry_). "NOW THEN! THEY'RE AWAY. DON'T YOU SEE THEY'RE GONE?"
_'Arry_ (_who has been having a very bad time_). "EH! GONE! AND NOT
COMIN' BACK? WOT A BLESSIN'!"]
* * * * *