Of course my wife had made me go to the bazaar. All men go to bazaars
either because their wives send them, or in search of possible wives. The
men who are never at bazaars are those with humane wives, or the true
bachelors.
I did not mind the young lady who grabbed my walking-stick and presented me
with a shilling cloakroom ticket, or the other who placed a buttonhole in
my coat (two-and-sixpence), or the third who sprayed me with scent (one
shilling, but had I known of the threatened attack I would have paid two
shillings for immunity), or the fourth, who snatched my rather elderly silk
hat and renovated it, not before its time, with some mysterious fluid
(one-and-ninepence). These are the things one expects.
But when I faced the stalls I must admit that I trembled. In pre-war days
it was occasionally hinted that bazaar prices were a trifle high. What
would they be now? How could I face the Bazaar profiteer? Sums, reminding
me of schooldays, ran in my head, "If milk be a shilling a quart what will
be the price of a sofa-cushion?"
As I stood in the centre of the hall I could see that the eyes of the
stall-holders were upon me--cold, horrid, calculating eyes. I could read in
them, "How much has this man got?" I felt that it would be a proper
punishment for war-profiteers if they were sentenced to purchase all their
requirements at bazaars for six months.
Glancing round the hall in search of a place of refuge I saw a sign,
"Autograph Exhibition--Admission one shilling." A shilling! Why, such a
comfortable hiding-place would have been cheap at half-a-crown. I bolted
for the Autograph Exhibition before a piratical lady, bearing down on me
with velvet smoking caps, could reduce me to pulp.
A smiling elderly gentleman was in charge. "Hah, you would like to see my
little collection? Certainly, certainly."
I am not interested in autographs. Most bygone celebrities wrote
undecipherable hands. I have been equally puzzled in trying to read the
handwriting of GUY FAWKES and Mr. GLADSTONE. But this collection was
different. It had letters from nearly every one distinguished in the world
to-day--good, lengthy, interesting, readable letters.
"How did you contrive to get all these?" I asked the exhibitor.
"Tact, foresight and flattery, my dear Sir. It would be no use writing to
these people to-day. You'd get ignored, or at best two lines type-written
by a secretary. Now look at that long letter from LLOYD GEORGE about Welsh
nationality and that other from HILAIRE BELLOC concerning the adulteration
of modern beer. You couldn't get them now. My idea is to catch your
celebrity young. When a man produces his first play or novel or book of
poems I write him an admiring letter. You can't lay it on too thick. Ask
him some question on a topic that interests him. It always draws. They are
unused to praise and you catch them before the public has spoilt them. I
card-index all the replies I get. Of course nine out of ten of the people
turn out of no account, but some are sure to come off. You just throw out
the failures and put the successes in your collection."
At this point I heard our Archdeacon afar off. Our Archdeacon booms--not
like trade, but like the bittern. I heard him booming outside, "My dear
lady, I cannot miss the chance of seeing dear Mr. Fletterby's collection."
Fletterby! The name was familiar. Long years ago I published
something--don't inquire into the details of my crime--and the sole
response I had from an unappreciative world was a highly eulogistic letter
from one Samuel Fletterby. I remembered the time I had spent in writing him
a lengthy and courteous reply. I remembered that often in my darker days I
had drawn out the letter of Fletterby to encourage me.
And now! I looked at the collection. It was arranged alphabetically. As I
turned to the initial of my name I framed a dramatic revelation for my
friend Fletterby: "That writing is familiar to me. In fact, Mr. Fletterby,
I am its unworthy writer."
But my letter was not included in the collection.
"Throw out the failures," Mr. Fletterby had said.
I threw myself out instantly from the Autograph Exhibition. Better, far
better buy things I didn't want at prices I couldn't afford than stay in
the company of that faithless one, my sole erstwhile (as the papers say)
admirer.
* * * * *
There was a great athlete named RUDD
Who was born with a Blue in his blood;
Stout-hearted, spring-heeled,
He achieved on the field
What his Varsity lost on the flood.
But when he had breasted the tape
A cynic emitted this jape:
"Pray notice, old son,
'Tisn't Oxford that's won,
But Utah, Bowdoin and the Cape."
* * * * *