BOTH. Are satisfied!
THE CURTAIN FALLS.
FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.
_A Comedietta, in One Act._
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
COLONEL CHALLENGER.
HARRY BARTON.
BASIL ROYSTON.
MRS. TEMPLETON.
JULIA TEMPLETON. }
} (her nieces.)
JOSEPHINE TEMPLETON. }
SCENE.--Mrs. Templeton's Villa at Roehampton.
_Handsomely furnished apartments; large French window at C. looking on
a garden. Doors R. H. and L. H. At R. H. a table, on which is an open
album; at L. C. another table covered with papers, etc.; table, sofa,
chairs, etc._
_Enter MRS. TEMPLETON at C., followed by COLONEL CHALLENGER._
COL. Cousin Martha, you are wrong, wrong, wrong! a thousand times
wrong!
MRS. T. Cousin Samuel, I'm right, right, right! _ten_ thousand times
right!
COL. (_aside_). Obstinate old woman!
MRS. T. (_aside_). Pig-headed old man!
COL. What possible reason can you have for setting your face against
Josephine's getting married? It's downright tyranny! Call yourself an
aunt, indeed!
MRS. T. My reason is a very simple one. Her elder sister, Julia, must
find a husband first.
COL. First come, first served--eh? Really, my dear Martha, I must say
that, for a sensible woman, you are by many degrees the most
prejudiced, the most self-willed, the most--
MRS. T. Of course I am! But you know very well that when I once _do_
make up my mind to anything--
COL. You stick to it like a fly to a "catch-'em-alive-oh."
MRS. T. I don't choose that Julia should suffer what _I_ did! _I_ had
a sister, Dorothy Jane, four years my junior, who married before I
did--do you think that was pleasant?--who supplied me with a
sprinkling of nephews and nieces before _I_ had a husband--do you
think that was pleasant?--who gave garden-parties, balls, concerts, to
which all the world flocked, and surrounded her with flattery,
adulation, while _I_ was neglected, extinguished, regularly snuffed
out. Do you think _that_ was pleasant? Well, it is _this_ humiliation
that I am determined to spare Julia.
COL. Well, you didn't lose much by waiting. I'm sure Tom Templeton was
as good a creature as ever breathed--didn't live long, poor fellow,
but cut up remarkably well considering.
MRS. T. Leaving his two nieces, his brother's children, to my charge,
with ten thousand pounds each.
COL. As a wedding portion, which, I must say, you didn't seem in a
hurry to part with.
MRS. T. You know my conditions. You have only to find a husband for
Julia.
COL. I? When she refused half the good-looking fellows within ten
miles round! If she _does_ mean to marry, she takes her time about it,
that I will say; it never seems to occur to her that she's keeping her
poor sister out in the cold!
MRS. T. You may be mistaken, cousin. I spoke to Julia only yesterday,
and she expressed herself in terms which convinced me that, were she
to receive a suitable offer--
COL. She'd accept it? Well, I'm glad she's coming to her senses at
last; and I shall go away all the more comfortable in my mind.
MRS. T. Go away?
COL. Yes. I'm off back again to Cheltenham. Touch of gout--liver
queer; besides, my work here is done. Your husband's affairs, which I
confess appeared to me at first sight to be in a state of hopeless
confusion, are now clearly and satisfactorily arranged, thanks to my
young colleague, Harry Barton, who, I must say, worked like a nigger
over them. By-the-bye, he's another victim to Miss Julia's caprice and
fastidiousness--she actually snubbed the poor fellow before she'd time
even to look at him, much less know him.
MRS. T. Well, you'll confess he bears his disappointment with becoming
resignation (_satirically_).
COL. Yes, he's getting used to it, like the eels. He doesn't see the
use of crying over spilt milk. By-the-bye, there's another matter of
five thousand pounds coming to the girls out of the Hampshire
property. But Barton will give you all the particulars.
MRS. T. I'm sure, cousin, I feel deeply indebted to you.
COL. Not half as much as you _ought_ to feel to Harry Barton. Hasn't
he been here twice a week for the last month, up to his elbows in
leases, loans, mortgages, and the deuce knows what? Oh! here he comes.
_Enter HARRY BARTON at C., a roll of papers under his arm, a
lawyer's blue bag in his hand, which he deposits on chair._
BART. (_bowing to MRS. TEMPLETON_). Your servant, madam. (_To
COLONEL._) Ah! my dear colonel, I hope you're well. But perhaps I
ought to apologize for entering unannounced. You may be engaged?
MRS. T. Not at all. I am aware, Mr. Barton, how deeply I am in your
debt; but now that the business which served as your first
introduction here is satisfactorily concluded, pray remember my house
is open to you as before (_BARTON bows_). You will kindly excuse me
now--a few orders to give (_courtesies and exit L. H.; at the same
moment the door at R. H. opens and JOSEPHINE peeps in_).
JOSEPHINE. Is the coast clear? (_watching MRS. TEMPLETON as she goes
out_). She's gone at last (_runs in_).
BART. (_meeting her_). Jo, dear Jo (_taking her hand, which he is
about to kiss_).
JOSEPHINE. Wait a minute! (_looking after MRS. TEMPLETON_). She's
quite disappeared; _now_ you may! (_holding out her hand to BARTON,
who kisses it_). And now (_turning to COLONEL_), you dear, good, kind
old uncle. Uncle is it, or cousin? I never know which.
COL. Don't you? It's simple enough. Your mother's elder brother's
second--never mind. Call me uncle.
JOSEPHINE. Well? Have you spoken to Aunt Martha?
BART. Yes. Have you broken the ice?
COL. Cracked it, that's all!
JOSEPHINE. And what was the result? Did she consent or not?
BART. Did she say yes or no?
JOSEPHINE. Why don't you speak? (_impatiently_).
BART. Why don't you say something? (_ditto_).
COL. How the deuce can I, when you won't let me get in a word
edgeways? Well, then, my poor young friends, sorry I've no good news
for you; the old story over again--Miss Julia stops the way.
BART. And yet Mrs. Templeton's pressing invitation to me to visit at
her house--
COL. Is easily explained. She doesn't even suspect that your
affections have been transferred from her elder to her younger niece.
JOSEPHINE. Then you should have told her--then there would have been
an explosion!
COL. Yes, which would have blown Master Harry clean out of the street
door! No, no! don't despair; Julia will find a husband--sooner or
later!
JOSEPHINE. Sooner or later? But what am _I_ to do in the mean time?
BART. Yes! what are _we_ to do in the mean time?
JOSEPHINE. I'm sure she's had plenty of offers; but one was too
young--another was too old--one was too rich--another wasn't rich
enough; even poor Harry here, though he followed her about like her
shadow, and I'm sure made himself sufficiently ridiculous--even _he_
wasn't good enough for her ladyship! It's downright absurd being so
particular. I'm sure _I_ wasn't!
BART. No, dear Jo! _you_ took pity on me at once.
JOSEPHINE. No, not _quite_ at once. I didn't _jump_ at you. But
what--what is to be done?
COL. Have patience!
JOSEPHINE. Patience? _Haven't_ I been patient for the last five weeks?
BART. Five weeks and three days!
JOSEPHINE. Five weeks and three days! (_suddenly_). Oh! such an idea!
such a capital notion! Listen. Julia must find a husband, or a husband
must be found for Julia--that's a settled point.
COL. }
} (_together_). Quite so!
BART. }
JOSEPHINE. Well, then, as she sets her face against a _young_ one--
COL. Yes; as she sets her face against a young one--
JOSEPHINE. And turns up her nose at a handsome one--
COL. And turns up her nose at a handsome one--
JOSEPHINE. She might find _you_ more to her taste! (_to COLONEL_).
COL. She might find me more to her-- (_Seeing JOSEPHINE laughing._)
So, Miss Saucy one, you're poking fun at me, are you? Then you'll be
good enough to find another victim--I mean another admirer, for Miss
Julia! Egad, I must make haste and pack up, or I shall lose my train!
Come along with me, little one! Good-by, Barton! Keep up your spirits!
Recollect you've still got _me!_
JOSEPHINE. And _me,_ Harry. Not yet, but you _will!_
[_Exeunt COLONEL and JOSEPHINE at door R. H._
BART. Dear Josephine! What a contrast to her cold, insensible,
apathetic sister! I, who loved her so sincerely, so devotedly, made
such a thorough spooney of myself! and was even weak enough to believe
I was not quite indifferent to her! I confess I felt
hurt--considerably hurt--infernally hurt; but if she flattered herself
I should be inconsolable, she never was more mistaken in her life! She
little dreamt how soon I should find a cure for my infatuation in the
charms of her angelic sister! Dear Josephine! And to think there's no
hope of my calling her mine till we find somebody to call her sister
_his!_ By-the-bye, here are a few papers I must look over (_seating
himself at table and opening papers_).
ROYS. (_heard without_). Very well; take my card to Mrs. Templeton.
I'll wait. I'm in no hurry.
BART. Heyday! who have we here?
_Enter BASIL ROYSTON at C._
ROYS. (_coming down--seeing BARTON_). I beg pardon, sir!
BART. (_rising_). Sir--I--
ROYS. Be seated, I beg.
BART. Not till you set me the example (_pointing to chair--they seat
themselves_).
ROYS. Like me, sir, you are doubtless waiting to see Mrs. Templeton?
BART. No, sir.
ROYS. Oh! One of the family, perhaps? Possibly a friend?
BART. Yes, sir, a friend. (_Aside._) He's very inquisitive!
ROYS. (_looking at album_). What charming water-colors--perfect gems!
BART. They are the work of Mrs. Templeton's elder niece. Are _you_ an
artist?
ROYS. No, merely an amateur. And you?
BART. A humble member of the legal profession.
ROYS. A lawyer--eh? (_Aside._) By Jove! here's a chance for me! I've
half a mind to--he looks the very picture of good-nature, and six and
eightpence won't ruin me! (_Aloud._) Might I venture, sir, on so very
slight an acquaintance, to solicit your professional opinion? (_BARTON
bows._) It is rather a delicate subject, a very _peculiar_ subject.
BART. I'm all attention, sir, merely observing that the sooner you
begin--
ROYS. The sooner I shall have done. Exactly. Then I'll come to the
point at once. I would ask you whether, in your opinion, a promise of
marriage, written under _certain circumstances_ and under certain
_conditions,_ must necessarily be binding?
BART. Such conditions being--
ROYS. First and foremost--that the lady should have her head altered!
BART. (_astonished_). Have her head altered?
ROYS. I mean, have her hair dyed!
BART. Which condition the lady has not complied with?
ROYS. No, sir! It's as red as ever!
BART. Then, sir, I've no hesitation in saying that the promise falls
to the ground.
ROYS. Thank you, sir (_seizing BARTON'S hand and shaking it--aside and
sighing_). Poor Sophia!
BART. May I inquire the name of my _new_ client? (_smiling_).
ROYS. Royston.
BART. The Roystons of Banbury?
ROYS. Yes, Banbury--where the cakes come from.
BART. I was aware that Mrs. Templeton expected you on a matter of
business--a certain sum of money, I believe?
ROYS. Yes, coming to the family from some Hampshire property.
BART. I imagined Mr. Royston was a much older person.
ROYS. I see! You mean Jonathan.
BART. Jonathan?
Rots. Yes, my brother--the head of the firm--he's twenty years my
senior! But as he could not spare the time to come, he sent me.
BART. (_aside_). It's worth the trial--decidedly worth it! (_looking
aside at ROYSTON_). Young, gentlemanly, sufficiently good-looking,
good family! Here goes! (_Aloud._) Excuse my candor, but I think I
guess your motive in putting the professional question you did just
now. _You_ are the writer of the promise of marriage, and you are
desirous of contracting _another_ alliance--eh?
ROYS. _I_ don't care about it, but Jonathan does! (_Aside, and sighing
again._) Poor Sophia!
BART. Perhaps you have some party in view?
ROYS. No. But I'm on the lookout.
BART. And, no doubt, anxious to succeed?
ROYS. Not particularly--but Jonathan is.
BART. Perhaps that is the object of your visit _here?_
ROYS. Eh? Is there a marriageable young lady here?
BART. Yes.
ROYS. I should like to see her.
BART. Nothing more easy.
ROYS. What age?
BART. Twenty.
ROYS. Any fortune?
BART. Ten thousand.
ROYS. That'd just suit Jonathan! Pretty?
BART. Charming!
ROYS. That'd just suit _me!_ Egad, suppose I try my luck? I've half a
mind!
BART. Have a _whole_ one! I've a notion you'll succeed!
ROYS. But I know nobody here!
BART. I beg your pardon! you know _me!_
ROYS. Eh?
BART. Known me for _years_ (_with intention_).
ROYS. (_suddenly seeing BARTON'S meaning_). Of course I have!
BART. Ever since we were children!
ROYS. Babies!
BART. We went to the same school together!
ROYS. Of course we did!
BART. At Tunbridge Wells!
ROYS. Yes, at Bagnigge Wells!
BART. And we have been friends ever since!
ROYS. (_enthusiastically_). _Bosom friends!_ And you'll really do all
you can to serve me?
BART. Of course I will! (_Aside._) And myself at the same time!
ROYS. A thousand thanks, my dear-- By-the-bye, what shall I call you?
BART. Harry. And you?
ROYS. Basil (_grasping BARTON'S hand_). Sophia might scratch your eyes
out, but Jonathan will bless you.
BART. Hush! (_seeing MRS. TEMPLETON, who enters at L. H._).
MRS. T. (_to ROYSTON_). Sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Royston.
ROYS. I am here, madam, as my brother's representative.
MRS. T. I am aware of it. Mr. Barton, allow me to introduce to you--
BART. No necessity for it, madam. Basil is an old friend of mine.
ROYS. Yes, madam! I little thought of meeting an old schoolfellow here
(_shaking BARTON'S hand warmly_). Some years ago now--eh, Tom?
BART. (_aside to him_). Harry!
ROYS. Harry!
MRS. T. So you were school-fellows--eh?
ROYS. Yes, ma'am, at--Bagnigge Wells.
BART. (_hastily aside to him_). Tunbridge!
ROYS. Of course! Tunbridge!
MRS. T. You must have had some difficulty in recognizing each other?
ROYS. _I_ had--very _considerable_ difficulty, I assure you!
BART. We should have met earlier, no doubt, but for my friend's
lengthened absence in Italy (_significantly to ROYSTON_).
ROYS. Yes. Ah! charming country--for those who don't mind the cold!
(_On a sign from BARTON._) I mean the heat!
MRS. T. (_aside and looking at ROYSTON_). Really a vastly agreeable
young man!
_Enter COLONEL at R. H._
COL. So Royston has arrived, has he? (_Seeing BASIL._) Heyday! why,
this is Basil--his younger brother!
ROYS. At your service, colonel.
MRS. T. You are acquainted, then?
COL. I was intimate with his mother's family--indeed, I may say I was
the means of getting him a nomination to the Blue Coat school.
BART. (_aside_). This is deuced awkward!
MRS. T. The Blue Coat school? I thought you said Tunbridge Wells?
ROYS. (_recollecting_). Yes; that was before--I mean after--
COL. (_aside and suspiciously_). I suspect these young fellows are
playing some little game of their own; and, what's more, I can pretty
well guess what it is!
MRS. T. (_aside to COLONEL_). As Mr. Royston is an entire stranger to
me, may I ask you, Cousin Samuel, what is the opinion you have formed
of him?
COL. Oh! a very charming young man, indeed! Most respectable family!
an ample income already, with great expectations from a couple of
aunts and a godmother! A little wild at present, perhaps, but he'll
soon settle down when he's _married!_ Ah! happy the woman who makes a
conquest of such a man! (_Aside._) There! now _I'm_ in the conspiracy
too!
MRS. T. (_to ROYSTON_). Your friend Mr. Barton does not leave here
till to-morrow; you, I hope, will also defer your departure till then?
BART. (_quickly to ROYSTON_). Of course you will! (_To MRS. T._) Of
course he will! (_To ROYSTON._) You'll be only too delighted! (_To
MRS. T._) He'll be only too delighted!
MRS. T. Ah! here's my niece! (_going up to meet JULIA, who enters at
C._).
ROYS. (_seeing JOSEPHINE, who at the same moment enters at R. H._).
Look! what a charming creature!
BART. No, no! it isn't she! it's the other! Look there! (_pointing to
JULIA_). There's a figure! there's a symmetry! Look at those
finely-chiselled features!
ROYS. Yes, yes! but still, in my opinion (_looking admiringly at
JOSEPHINE_)--
BART. Your opinion, indeed! Pshaw! what do you know about it?
JOSEPHINE (_aside to COLONEL, and pointing to ROYSTON_). What! has
Harry found somebody already?
MRS. T. Julia, my dear, allow me to present Mr. Royston, an old friend
of Mr. Barton's (_JULIA courtesies stiffly to ROYSTON_).
BART. (_to ROYSTON_). There's a courtesy! that's what I call a
courtesy!
ROYS. Yes! but, as I said before, of the two I prefer (_looking at
JOSEPHINE_)--
BART. You prefer, indeed! Surely I must know better than you! (_To
JULIA._) My friend Royston, a distinguished amateur of the fine arts,
is in raptures with your sketches, Miss Julia. (_JULIA courtesies
stiffly again._)
JOSEPHINE (_to JULIA_). Why don't you thank Mr. Royston, sister?
ROYS. (_aside to BARTON_). Oh! she's the sister--eh?
BART. (_with pretended indifference_). Yes, a little, harmless,
insignificant school-girl--
ROYS. Still, I repeat, if I had to choose between them--
BART. Pshaw! my dear fellow, if you only knew what nonsense you're
talking! (_Aside._) Zounds! I hope he isn't going to fall in love with
Josephine!
COL. Sorry to interrupt, but my time is precious, and business must be
attended to. Mr. Royston, will you step into the dining-room with your
papers? Barton, you'll come too?
JOSEPHINE (_hastily aside to BARTON_). I understand it all, Harry. A
very nice young man, indeed! and likely to stand a good chance. Don't
you think so? Where _did_ you pick him up so soon?
BART. Hush! I'll explain everything another time.
[_COLONEL and MRS. TEMPLETON exeunt at R. H., followed by BARTON
and ROYSTON. ROYSTON stops, turns, and makes a profound bow to
JOSEPHINE. BARTON pushes him out._
JOSEPHINE (_aside_). I wonder what she thinks of him? (_Aloud._) A
very gentlemanly young man, Mr. Royston, don't you think so, Julia?
JULIA (_indifferently_). I scarcely looked at him.
JOSEPHINE (_aside_). That's not very encouraging! (_Aloud._) How _do_
you manage to find so many admirers? _I_ can't!
JULIA (_smiling_). Hitherto, perhaps, I may have had the lion's share
of attention, homage, and professed admiration; but _your_ turn will
come.
JOSEPHINE. It's a long time about it! You are so difficult to please.
And poor Mr. Royston, I suppose, will be snubbed like the rest!
JULIA (_reprovingly_). Josephine! surely you don't imagine--
JOSEPHINE. That there is some attraction for him here? Of course I do!
It can't be Aunt Martha--nor I! _I'm_ only a _child!_ (_with affected
humility_).
JULIA. Josephine, you speak as though you were piqued, vexed--I might
almost say _envious!_
JOSEPHINE. Envious? I? Of what?
JULIA (_sighing_). Of what, indeed! Ah, dear one, the privileges of an
elder sister are not so enviable after all! What is often her lot?--to
be constantly exposed to flattery--adulation from the lips of
strangers--compelling her to assume an extreme reserve in order to
modify the exaggerated and at times indelicate encomiums of relatives
and friends. What is the necessary result? Doubt, distrust,
suspicion--nay, even prejudice, oftentimes unjust, against those who
profess a desire to please! On this impulse _I_ have acted--an impulse
dictated by self-respect and a due sense of my own dignity!
JOSEPHINE (_aside_). What a serious tone! (_Aloud._) But just think
how cruelly, how unjustly you _may_ have acted. And I'm sure, as for
Mr. Royston--
JULIA. Mr. Royston again! Silly child!
JOSEPHINE. Child? Perhaps I could mention a little fact
that--that--but I won't! (_Aside._) Good-by to my secret if I did!
(_Aloud._) Good-by!
JULIA. Are you going to leave me too?
JOSEPHINE. Haven't I got to write out all the invitations for our ball
on the 23d?
JULIA. Your birthday?--true.
JOSEPHINE. Yes; that is the _professed_ reason--but of course it is on
_your_ account that it is given.
JULIA (_reproachfully_). Josephine!
JOSEPHINE. I know a younger sister's duty, Miss Templeton (_makes a
low courtesy and exit L. H._).
JULIA. Josephine! sister!--Did she but know how she misjudges me! How
heavily I have been punished for that pride, that apparent
insensibility, with which she reproaches me! Oh, Harry! Harry! could
you but tell how bitterly I have repented! But surely, surely the
cruel, wicked indifference with which I treated his affection, his
devotion, cannot have entirely destroyed them--some _little_ spark of
the old flame must still remain! else why is he so constantly here?
Why does he still seem to seek my presence? At any rate, he shall see
that I am no heartless coquette; and when this Mr. Royston presents
himself, as I'm sure he _will_ (_seeing ROYSTON, who enters from
R. H._)-- I thought so!
ROYS. (_aside_). She's alone! She's decidedly handsome. Yet, as I said
before, there's something about the other that--that-- (_Aloud, and
bowing to JULIA._) Miss Templeton!
JULIA (_courtesying_). Sir! the business matter in which you are
engaged is, I presume, settled?
ROYS. Yes; the signatures alone are required.
JULIA. In that case perhaps I had better-- (_About to retire._)
ROYS. One moment, I beg! (_Aside._) She's decidedly _very_ handsome!
Still--don't know how it is--but there is certainly something about
the other that--that-- (_Aloud._) Before leaving this house to-morrow,
with my new acquaintance--I mean _my old friend_ Barton--
JULIA (_quickly_). Mr. Barton leaves to-morrow?
ROYS. Yes, alas! I say "alas," because one day only is now left for me
to admire your physical attractions, your mental accomplishments--
JULIA. Oh, sir! Believe me, my sister is far more accomplished than I
am.
ROYS. Far be it from me to deny it. Still, from the highly eulogistic
terms in which every one speaks of you--your sister among the first--
JULIA. Ah, sir! Dear Josephine is so amiable, so affectionate, so
good, so loving, so angelic--
ROYS. (_aside_). She sticks up for her sister, that I will say!
(_Aloud._) Still, there are _certain_ attractions which we can all
judge of by our own eyes.
JULIA (_quickly_). And who can possess them to a greater degree than
Josephine? Such exquisite grace--such absolute perfection of form and
feature--
ROYS. (_aside_). Her sister again! If we go on at this rate, we
sha'n't get on very fast! (_Aloud._) Allow me to be frank with you; my
brother Jonathan--but perhaps you've never heard of
Jonathan?--Jonathan Royston, of Banbury--where the cakes come
from--well, he often reproaches me with being what he calls rather
wild and fast and flighty--
JULIA. The only fault I find with Josephine, dear child. She is so
giddy, so thoughtless, so excitable! What a capital match you'd make!
Ha, ha, ha!
ROYS. (_aside_). That's a pretty broad hint! (_Aloud._) And he--I mean
Jonathan--says that the best thing I could do would be to get
_married!_
JULIA. The very conclusion I have come to about Josephine.
ROYS. (_aside_). It really looks as if she wanted to turn me over to
her sister. (_Aloud._) And having received the flattering assurance
that my pretensions to your hand might possibly not be unsuccessful--
JULIA. From whom, pray? Doubtless from my aunt.
ROYS. Oh no! From my dear old friend, Barton.
JULIA (_indignantly_). Mr. Barton? He? No, no! I cannot, _will_ not
believe it!
ROYS. I'm sure he will not deny it--and see, fortunately, he's here!
_Enter BARTON at door R. H._
BART. Miss Templeton, your presence is required in the drawing-room.
JULIA (_very coldly, and seating herself at table_). Presently.
BART. (_aside to ROYSTON_). Well, what news?
ROYS. (_aside_). All right! At least, if it isn't this one, it'll be
the other! One of the two!
BART. What do you mean by "the other?"
ROYS. The "little, harmless, insignificant school-girl," you know!
BART. (_aside_). Confound the fellow!
ROYS. You first put the notion of marriage into my head, and I won't
leave this house a bachelor; I'll marry somebody! I leave you
together! You'll plead my cause, won't you?--and pitch it strong,
won't you? I shall be all anxiety to know the result--because if _she_
won't have me, I can fall back on the other. Don't you see? (_shaking
BARTON'S hand, and runs out at C._).