_A Room in an Inn._
_Enter Groom lighting in_ PHŒNIX _and_ FIDELIO.
GROOM. Gentlemen, you’re most neatly welcome.
PHŒ. You’re very cleanly, sir: prithee, have a care to
our geldings.
GROOM. Your geldings shall be well considered.
FID. Considered?
PHŒ. Sirrah, what guess[816] does this inn hold now?
GROOM. Some five and twenty gentlemen, besides their
beasts.
PHŒ. Their beasts?
GROOM. Their wenches, I mean, sir; for your worship
knows those that are under men are beasts.
PHŒ. How does your mother, sir?
GROOM. Very well in health, I thank you heartily, sir.
PHŒ. And so is my mare, i’faith.
GROOM. I’ll do her commendations indeed, sir.
FID. Well kept up, shuttlecock!
PHŒ. But what old fellow was he that newly alighted
before us?
GROOM. Who, he? as arrant a crafty fellow as e’er made
water on horseback. Some say, he’s as good as a lawyer;
marry, I’m sure he’s as bad as a knave: if you have any
suits in law, he’s the fittest man for your company; has
been so towed[817] and lugged himself, that he is able
to afford you more knavish counsel for ten groats than
another for ten shillings.
PHŒ. A fine fellow! but do you know him to be a knave,
and will lodge him?
GROOM. Your worship begins to talk idly; your bed shall
be made presently: if we should not lodge knaves, I
wonder how we should be able to live honestly: are there
honest men enough, think you, in a term-time to fill all
the inns in the town? and, as far as I can see, a
knave’s gelding eats no more hay than an honest man’s;
nay, a[818] thief’s gelding eats less, I’ll stand to’t;
his master allows him a better ordinary; yet I have my
eightpence day and night: ’twere more for our profit,
I wus,[819] you were all thieves, if you were so
contented. I shall be called for: give your worships
good morrow. [_Exit._
PHŒ. A royal knave, i’faith: we have happened into a
godly inn.
FID. Assure you, my lord, they belong all to one church.
PHŒ. This should be some old, busy, turbulent fellow:
[a] villanous law-worm, that eats holes into poor men’s
causes.
_Enter_ TANGLE _with two Suitors, and Groom_.
FIRST SUIT. May it please your worship to give me
leave?
TAN. I give you leave, sir; you have your _veniam_.—Now
fill me a brown toast, sirrah.
GROOM. Will you have no drink to’t, sir?
TAN. Is that a question in law?
GROOM. Yes, in the lowest court, i’ th’ cellar, sir.
TAN. Let me ha’t removed presently, sir.
GROOM. It shall be done, sir. [_Exit._
TAN. Now as you were saying, sir,—I’ll come to you
immediately too.
PHŒ. O, very well, sir.
TAN. I’m a little busy, sir.
FIRST SUIT. But as how, sir?
TAN. I pray, sir?
FIRST SUIT. Has brought me into the court; marry, my
adversary has not declared yet.
TAN. _Non declaravit adversarius_, sayest thou? what a
villain’s that! I have a trick to do thee good: I will
get thee out a proxy, and make him declare, with a pox
to him.
FIRST SUIT. That will make him declare to his sore
grief; I thank your good worship: but put case he do
declare?
TAN. _Si declarasset_, if he should declare there——
FIRST SUIT. I would be loath to stand out to the
judgment of that court.
TAN. _Non ad judicium_, do you fear corruption? then
I’ll relieve you again; you shall get a _supersedeas non
molestandum_, and remove it higher.
FIRST SUIT. Very good.
TAN. Now if it should ever come to a _testificandum_,
what be his witnesses?
FIRST SUIT. I little fear his witnesses.
TAN. _Non metuis testes?_ more valiant man than Orestes.
FIRST SUIT. Please you, sir, to dissolve this into wine,
ale, or beer. [_Giving money._] I come a hundred mile to
you, I protest, and leave all other counsel behind me.
TAN. Nay, you shall always find me a sound card: I stood
not a’ th’ pillory for nothing in 88; all the world
knows that.—Now let me despatch you, sir.—I come to you
_presenter_.
SECOND SUIT. Faith, the party hath removed both body and
cause with a _habeas corpus_.
TAN. Has he that knavery? but has he put in bail above,
canst tell?
SECOND SUIT. That I can assure your worship he has not.
TAN. Why, then, thy best course shall be, to lay out
more money, take out a _procedendo_, and bring down the
cause and him with a vengeance.
SECOND SUIT. Then he will come indeed.
TAN. As for the other party, let the _audita querela_
alone; take me out a special _supplicavit_, which will
cost you enough, and then you pepper him. For the first
party after the _procedendo_ you’ll get costs; the cause
being found, you’ll have a judgment; _nunc pro tunc_,
you’ll get a _venire facias_ to warn your jury, a _decem
tales_ to fill up the number, and a _capias utlagatum_
for your execution.
SECOND SUIT. I thank you, my learned counsel.
PHŒ. What a busy caterpillar’s this! let’s accost him in
that manner.
FID. Content, my lord.
PHŒ. O my old admirable fellow, how have I all this
while thirsted to salute thee! I knew thee in _octavo_
of the duke——
TAN. In _octavo_ of the duke? I remember the year well.
PHŒ. By th’ mass, a lusty, proper[820] man!
TAN. O, was I?
PHŒ. But still in law.
TANG. Still in law? I had not breathed else now; ’tis
very marrow, very manna to me to be in law; I’d been
dead ere this else. I have found such sweet pleasure in
the vexation of others, that I could wish my years over
and over again, to see that fellow a beggar, that
bawling knave a gentleman, a matter brought e’en to a
judgment to-day, as far as e’er ’twas to begin again to-
morrow: O raptures! here a writ of demur, there a
_procedendo_, here a _sursurrara_,[821] there a
_capiendo_, tricks, delays, money-laws!
PHŒ. Is it possible, old lad?
TAN. I have been a term-trotter[822] myself any time
this five and forty years; a goodly time and a gracious:
in which space I ha’ been at least sixteen times
beggared, and got up again; and in the mire again, that
I have stunk again, and yet got up again.
PHŒ. And so clean and handsome now?
TAN. You see it apparently; I cannot hide it from you:
nay, more, in _felici hora_ be it spoken, you see I’m
old, yet have I at this present nine and twenty suits in
law.
PHŒ. Deliver us, man!
TAN. And all not worth forty shillings.
PHŒ. May it be believed?
TAN. The pleasure of a man is all.
PHŒ. An old fellow, and such a stinger!
TAN. A stake pulled out of my hedge, there’s one; I was
well beaten, I remember, that’s two; I took one a-bed
with my wife again[823] her will, that’s three; I was
called cuckold for my labour, that’s four; I took
another a-bed again, that’s five; then one called me
wittol,[824] that’s six; he killed my dog for barking,
seven; my maid-servant was knocked at that time, eight;
my wife miscarried with a push, nine; _et sic de
cæteris_. I have so vexed and beggared the whole parish
with process, subpœnas, and such-like molestations, they
are not able to spare so much ready money from a term,
as would set up a new weathercock; the churchwardens are
fain to go to law with the poors’ money.
PHŒ. Fie, fie!
TAN. And I so fetch up all the men every term-time, that
’tis impossible to be at civil cuckoldry within
ourselves, unless the whole country rise upon our wives.
FID. A’ my faith, a pretty policy!
PHŒ. Nay, an excellent stratagem: but of all I most
wonder at the continual substance of thy wit, that,
having had so many suits in law from time to time, thou
hast still money to relieve ’em.
FID. Has the best fortune for that; I never knew him
without.
TAN. Why do you so much wonder at that? Why, this is my
course: my mare and I come up some five days before a
term.
PHŒ. A good decorum!
TAN. Here I lodge, as you see, amongst inns and places
of most receipt——
PHŒ. Very wittily.
TAN. By which advantage I dive into countrymen’s causes;
furnish ’em with knavish counsel, little to their
profit; buzzing into their ears this course, that writ,
this office, that _ultimum refugium_; as you know I have
words enow for the purpose.
PHŒ. Enow a’ conscience, i’faith.
TAN. Enow a’ law, no matter for conscience. For which
busy and laborious sweating courtesy, they cannot choose
but feed me with money, by which I maintain mine own
suits: hoh, hoh, hoh!
PHŒ. Why, let me hug thee: caper in mine arms.
TAN. Another special trick I have, no body must know it,
which is, to prefer most of those men to one attorney,
whom I affect best: to answer which kindness of mine, he
will sweat the better in my cause, and do them the less
good: take’t of my word, I helped my attorney to more
clients the last term than he will despatch all his
lifetime; I did it.
PHŒ. What a noble, memorable deed was there!
_Re-enter Groom._
GROOM. Sir.
TAN. Now, sir?
GROOM. There’s a kind of captain very robustiously
inquires for you.
TAN. For me? a man of war? A man of law is fit for a man
of war: we have no leisure to say prayers; we both kill
a’ Sunday mornings. I’ll not be long from your sweet
company.
PHŒ. O, no, I beseech you.
[_Exit_ TANGLE _with Groom_.
FID. What captain might this be?
PHŒ. Thou angel sent amongst us, sober Law,
Made with meek eyes, persuading action,
No loud immodest tongue,
Voic’d like a virgin, and as chaste from sale,
Save only to be heard, but not to rail;
How has abuse deform’d thee to all eyes,
That where thy virtues sat, thy vices rise!
Yet why so rashly for one villain’s fault
Do I arraign whole man? Admired Law,
Thy upper parts must needs be sacred, pure,[825]
And incorruptible; they’re grave and wise:
’Tis but the dross beneath ’em, and the clouds
That get between thy glory and their praise,
That make the visible and foul eclipse;
For those that are near to thee are upright,
As noble in their conscience as their birth;
Know that damnation is in every bribe,
And rarely[826] put it from ’em; rate the presenters,
And scourge ’em with five years’ imprisonment,
For offering but to tempt ’em.
Thus is true justice exercis’d and us’d:
Woe to the giver when the bribe’s refus’d!
’Tis not their will to have law worse than war,
Where still the poor’st die first;
To send a man without a sheet to his grave,
Or bury him in his papers;
’Tis not their mind it should be, nor to have
A suit hang longer than a man in chains,
Let him be ne’er so fasten’d. They least know
That are above the tedious steps below:
I thank my time, I do.
FID. I long to know what captain this should be.
PHŒ. See where the bane of every cause returns.
_Re-enter_ TANGLE _with_ CAPTAIN.
FID. ’S foot, ’tis the captain my father-in-law, my
lord.
PHŒ. Take heed.
CAP. The divorce shall rest then, and the five hundred
crowns shall stand in full force and virtue.
TAN. Then do you wisely, captain.
CAP. Away sail I: fare thee well.
TAN. A lusty crack of wind go with thee!
CAP. But ah——
TAN. Hah?
CAP. Remember, a scrivener.
TAN. I’ll have him for thee. [_Exit_ CAPTAIN.]—Why,
thus am I sought after by all professions. Here’s a
weather-beaten captain, who, not long since new
married to a lady widow, would now fain have sued a
divorce between her and him, but that her honesty is
his only hinderance: to be rid of which, he does
determine to turn her into white money; and there’s a
lord, his chapman, has bid five hundred crowns for her
already.
FID. How?
TAN. Or for his part or whole in her.
PHŒ. Why, does he mean to sell his wife?
TAN. His wife? Ay, by th’ mass, he would sell his soul
if he knew what merchant would lay out money upon’t; and
some of ’em have need of one, they swear so fast.
PHŒ. Why, I never heard of the like.
TAN. _Non audivisti_, didst ne’er hear of that trick?
Why, Pistor, a baker, sold his wife t’other day to a
cheesemonger, that made cake and cheese; another to a
cofferer; a third to a common player: why, you see
’tis common. Ne’er fear the captain: he has not so
much wit to be a precedent himself. I promised to
furnish him with an odd scrivener of mine own, to draw
the bargain and sale of his lady. Your horses stand
here, gentlemen?[827]
PHŒ. Ay, ay, ay.
TAN. I shall be busily plunged till towards bedtime
above the chin _in profundis_. [_Exit._
PHŒ. What monstrous days are these!
Not only to be vicious most men study,
But in it to be ugly; strive to exceed
Each other in the most deformed deed.
FID. Was this her private choice? did she neglect
The presence and opinion of her friends
For this?
PHŒ. I wonder who that one should be,
Should so disgrace that reverend name of lord,
So loathsomely to buy adultery?
FID. We may make means to know.
PHŒ. Take courage, man; we’ll beget some defence.
FID. I’m[828] bound by nature.
PHŒ. I by conscience.
To sell his lady! Indeed, she was a beast
To marry him; and so he makes of her.—
Come, I’ll thorough now I’m enter’d. [_Exeunt._