_A Room in the_ CAPTAIN’s _House_..
_Enter the_ CAPTAIN _with soldiering fellows_.
FIRST SOL. There’s noble purchase,[802] captain.
SECOND SOL. Nay, admirable purchase.
THIRD SOL. Enough to make us proud for ever.
CAP. Hah?
FIRST SOL. Never was opportunity so gallant.
CAP. Why, you make me mad.
SECOND SOL. Three ships, not a poop less.
THIRD SOL. And every one so wealthily burdened, upon my
manhood.
CAP. Pox on’t, and now am I tied e’en as the devil would
ha’t.
FIRST SOL. Captain, of all men living, I would ha’ sworn
thou wouldst ne’er have married.
CAP. ’S foot, so would I myself, man; give me my due;
you know I ha’ sworn all heaven over and over?
FIRST SOL. That you have, i’faith.
CAP. Why, go to then.
FIRST SOL. Of a man that has tasted salt water to commit
such a fresh trick!
CAP. Why, ’tis abominable! I grant you, now I see’t.
FIRST SOL. Had there been fewer women——
SECOND SOL. And among those women fewer drabs——
THIRD SOL. And among those drabs fewer pleasing——
CAP. Then ’t had been something——
FIRST SOL. But when there are more women, more common,
pretty sweethearts, than ever any age could boast of——
CAP. And I to play the artificer and marry! to have my
wife dance at home, and my ship at sea, and both take in
salt water together! O lieutenant, thou’rt happy! thou
keepest a wench.
FIRST SOL. I hope I am happier than so, captain, for a’
my troth, she keeps me.
CAP. How? is there any such fortunate man breathing? and
I so miserable to live honest! I envy thee, lieutenant,
I envy thee, that thou art such a happy knave. Here’s my
hand among you; share it equally; I’ll to sea with you.
SECOND SOL. There spoke a noble captain!
CAP. Let’s hear from you; there will be news shortly.
FIRST SOL. Doubt it not, captain.
[_Exeunt all but_ CAPTAIN.
CAP. What lustful passion came aboard of me, that I
should marry? was I drunk? yet that cannot altogether
hold, for it was four a’ clock i’ th’ morning; had it
been five, I would ha’ sworn it. That a man is in danger
every minute to be cast away, without he have an
extraordinary pilot that can perform more than a man can
do! and to say truth too, when I’m abroad, what can I do
at home? no man living can reach so far: and what a
horrible thing ’twould be to have horns brought me at
sea, to look as if the devil were i’ th’ ship! and all
the great tempests would be thought of my raising! to be
the general curse of all merchants! and yet they likely
are as deep in as myself; and that’s a comfort. O, that
a captain should live to be married! nay, I that have
been such a gallant salt-thief, should yet live to be
married! What a fortunate elder brother is he, whose
father being a rammish ploughman, himself a perfumed
gentleman spending the labouring reek from his father’s
nostrils in tobacco, the sweat of his father’s body in
monthly physic for his pretty queasy[803] harlot! he
sows apace i’ th’ country; the tailor o’ertakes him i’
th’ city, so that oftentimes before the corn comes to
earing,[804] ’tis up to the ears in high collars, and so
at every harvest the reapers take pains for the mercers:
ha! why, this is stirring happiness indeed. Would my
father had held a plough so, and fed upon squeezed curds
and onions, that I might have bathed in sensuality! but
he was too ruttish himself to let me thrive under him;
consumed me before he got me; and that makes me so
wretched now to be shackled with a wife, and not greatly
rich neither.
_Enter_ CASTIZA.[805]
CAS. Captain, my husband.
CAP. ’S life, call me husband again, and I’ll play the
captain and beat you.
CAS. What has disturb’d you, sir, that you now look
So like an enemy upon me?
CAP. Go make a widower [of me], hang thyself!
How comes it that you are so opposite
To love and kindness? I deserve more respect,
But that you please to be forgetful of it.
CAS. For love to you, did I neglect my state,
Chide better fortunes from me,
Gave the world talk, laid all my friends at waste!
CAP. The more fool you: could you like none but me?
Could none but I supply you? I am sure
You were sued to by far worthier men,
Deeper in wealth and gentry.
What couldst thou see in me, to make thee doat
So on me? If I know I am a villain,
What a torment’s this! Why didst thou marry me?
You think, as most of your insatiate widows,
That captains can do wonders; when, alas,[806]
The name does often prove the better man!
CAS. That which you urge should rather give me cause
To repent than yourself.
CAP. Then to that end
I do it.[807]
CAS. What a miserable state
Am I led into!
_Enter Servant._[808]
CAP. How now, sir?
SERV. Count Proditor
Is now alighted.
CAP. What, my lord? I must
Make much of him; he’ll one day write me cuckold;
It is[809] good to make much of such a man:
E’en to my face he plies it hard,—I thank him.
_Enter_ PRODITOR.
What, my worthy lord?
PROD. I’ll come to you
In order, captain. [_Kisses_ CASTIZA.
CAP. O that’s in order!
A kiss is the gamut to pricksong.
PROD. Let me salute you, captain. [_Exit_ CASTIZA.
CAP. My dear
Esteemed count, I have a life for you.
PROD. Hear you the news?
CAP. What may it be, my lord?
PROD. My lord, the duke’s son, is upon his travel
To several kingdoms.
CAP. May it be possible, my lord,
And yet so little rumour’d?
PROD. Take’t of my truth;[810]
Nay, ’twas well manag’d; things are as they are handl’d:
But all my care is still, pray heaven he return
Safe, without danger, captain.
CAP. Why, is there any doubt
To be had of that, my lord?
PROD. Ay, by my faith, captain:
Princes have private enemies, and great.
Put case a man should grudge him for his virtues,
Or envy him for his wisdom; why, you know,
This makes him lie bare-breasted to his foe.
CAP. That’s full of certainty, my lord; but who
Be his attendants?
PROD. Thence, captain, comes the fear;
But singly[811] attended neither (my best gladness),
Only by your son-in-law, Fidelio.
CAP. Is it to be believed? I promise you, my lord, then
I begin to fear him myself; that fellow will undo him: I
durst undertake to corrupt him with twelvepence over and
above, and that’s a small matter; has a whorish
conscience; he’s an inseparable knave,[812] and I could
ne’er speak well of that fellow.
PROD. All we of the younger house, I can tell you, do
doubt him much. The lady’s removed: shall we have your
sweet society, captain?
CAP. Though it be in mine own house, I desire I may
follow your lordship.
PROD. I love to avoid strife.——
Not many months Phœnix shall keep his life.
[_Aside and exit._
CAP. So; his way is in; he knows it.
We must not be uncourteous to a lord;
Warn him our house ’twere vild.[813]
His presence is an honour: if he lie with our wives,
’tis for our credit; we shall be the better trusted;
’tis a sign we shall live i’ th’ world. O, tempests and
whirlwinds! who but that man whom the forefinger[814]
cannot daunt, that makes his shame his living—who but
that man, I say, could endure to be throughly married?
Nothing but a divorce can relieve me: any way to be rid
of her would rid my torment; if all means fail, I’ll
kill or poison her, and purge my fault at sea. But first
I’ll make gentle try of a divorce: but how shall I
accuse her subtle honesty? I’ll attach this lord’s
coming to her, take hold of that, ask counsel: and now I
remember, I have acquaintance with an old crafty client,
who, by the puzzle of suits and shifting of courts, has
more tricks and starting-holes than the dizzy pates of
fifteen attorneys; one that has been muzzled in law like
a bear, and led by the ring of his spectacles from
office to office.
Him I’ll seek out with haste; all paths I’ll tread,
All deaths I’ll die, ere I die married. [_Exit._