pleasant memories._ COCKIE _is in cage on table. Here a most scientific
onslaught between parrot and dog takes place--of course, only playfully
and purely in innocent fun--and owing to the favour with which it is
received, the proper action of a little life-drama is delayed for a
quarter of an hour._
THE MODERN MATHEWS (_suddenly jumping up_): Ha! there it is! there it
is!
INTERVIEWER: Good gracious! Anything wrong?
THE MODERN MATHEWS: Wrong, no--everything's right. My cigarette case
(_holds it up gleefully_). Now, then--have a cigarette?
(_Lights up!_)
INTERVIEWER (_suggestively_): M.L.! M.L.! M.L.!
THE MODERN MATHEWS: No, I've nothing as I can remember associated with
M.L.
INTERVIEWER: M.L.--my life!
THE MODERN MATHEWS: All right, tell us all about it!
(INTERVIEWER _is not prepared to "gag" back_.)
INTERVIEWER: You were born----
THE MODERN MATHEWS: Oh! I see. Certainly, certainly--but--it's a long
speech--a speech, however, I don't think I shall ever forget. We always
remember ourselves, eh? and forget O.P., which means other people, or
opposite prompter. (_Sits in armchair_ L. _of fireplace_.) I was born
in Liverpool on the 23rd of March, 1841. My father was a doctor--he
only died a year or two ago. My mother gave me my first lessons, until
at ten years of age I was sent to school at Sandgate. There I took a
great liking for drawing--particularly for building castles in the
air! I imbibed a love for the stage before I knew the value of words,
and used to revel in acting to myself before a looking-glass. I left
Sandgate when I was about twelve and went to St. Andrews, and there I
was the cause of public censure, as it was said I was demoralizing all
the boys on account of my strong theatrical tastes. Major Playfair--the
grandfather of Arthur Playfair, the actor--had a private theatre near
my school, and I need hardly say how I used to revel in being permitted
to attend there. But it came to an end at last. I used to write very
bloodthirsty dramas, and myself and companions used to play them in our
bedrooms by candle-light. We were, however, discovered, and the curtain
fell with a thud. I was at St. Andrews for two years. I took a prize
for Latin, and always those for elocution. I ran away from St. Andrews
once, but having no money in my pocket I went back the next day. I
remained there until I was fifteen, when I was sent to Germany--to
Neuwied first, and Bonn afterwards. You would scarcely credit it, but
there I became a very dreamy fellow.
INTERVIEWER: Dreamy?
THE MODERN MATHEWS: Yes, I became quite a religious enthusiast, and
founded a Church.
(INTERVIEWER _surprised--but he must save his energies to be more so
later_.)
THE MODERN MATHEWS (_solemnly_): Whilst I used to play with my
companions, I was always much impressed by a long-legged, lanky-looking
fellow, who used to walk up and down the playground with his eyes
on his boots. I got in with him, found he belonged to a well-known
Wesleyan family, and we founded a Church to reform the boys. The
masters lent us a room, and starting with half-a-dozen we ultimately
got twenty-five lads. When my Wesleyan friend left I became head of
the Church. In the college was the son of a celebrated divine in
London--whom we will call B. He was a very bad lot, using very bad
language. One day he asked me to let him join the Church. I hesitated.
Told him I'd take a fortnight to decide. I did. It came to my turn
to preach. B. was present. My sermon was directed to him. After it
was all over he came to me and assured me he was a changed man. I was
delighted. He grasped me by the hand and said he should like to preach
on the following Sunday! I assured him that it was the rule for only
four or five of us to preach. He thought an exception ought to be made
in his case. I would not hear of it. "Look here," he said, "won't you
let me preach?" "No, I could not." "Do you mean it?" he asked. "I do."
"Without a doubt, Wyndham?" "I am immovable." "Then," he said, "go to
----!"
(_Quick Curtain!_)
[Illustration: THE DRAWING-ROOM.
_From a Photo by Elliot & Fry._]