"The brass, by long attrition tried,
Placed by the purer metal's side,
Displays at length a dingy hue,
That proves its former claim untrue;
So time's discerning hand hath art
To set the good and ill apart."
Lionel's affliction had certainly tended to lessen the gulf which the
engagement with Mr. Faulkner had made between Caroline and Marian.
Caroline was very anxious about her brother, and knowing that Marian had
his confidence, was continually coming to her for reports of his state
of mind and spirits, and with despairing questions as to what was likely
to please him,--questions which Marian was quite unqualified to answer,
and which were curious, since she had no tact, and Caroline had a great
deal.
Thus it came to pass, that nightly sittings by each other's bed-room
fire were renewed, and long consultations took place, always at first
about Lionel, but sometimes branching to things in general, even as in
the olden time. Caroline was, however, very unlike what she had been a
year ago, when as Marian full well remembered, they had first talked of
Mr. Faulkner's visit. She was gayer in public, but her spirits were very
low when alone with Marian; and now and then the conversation flagged,
till she sat for full half an hour, her head on her hand, without a
word. At first she would try to excuse such a reverie, by calling
herself very tired; but as days went on, and it recurred, she smiled
as she woke from it, and told Marian "it was such repose to be with a
person who would let her be silent."
There was much confidence in such silence. Marian began to grow even
more sorry for her than at first, because it was impossible to continue
to be angry; and tried in every way to show her kindness, becoming,
unconsciously, much more demonstrative in affection than ever she had
been before. On the day on which Lionel received the letter mentioned
at the end of the last chapter, Caroline came into Marian's room at
dressing-time; and after lingering about a little, she said, "Could
Lionel read that letter to day?"
Marian shook her head sadly.
"He brought it to you, then?" sighed Caroline, "Ah! I saw who it came
from."
She looked wistfully at Marian, as if longing to hear something of the
letter, though she would not ask; and Marian, though much touched, was
determined against saying one word about it, however indifferent, as
she felt that, without Lionel's consent, she ought to be as mute as the
paper it was written upon. Caroline paused, then continued, "Do you
think he will ask you to write his answer for him?"
"No, I think not. You know he wrote a note to Gerald in one of my
letters the other day. I dare say he will always be able to write; Mrs.
Wortley has a blind friend who does."
Caroline did not answer, but gazed at the fire for almost ten minutes.
At last she said, "Poor Walter! I wonder what he is doing."
"I am sure he must be making himself very useful," said Marian.
"That is one thing we may be sure of," said Caroline, smiling
mournfully. "Walter is excellent wherever he is; but O, Marian,"
continued she, in a voice of inexpressible sadness, "who would have told
me, a year ago, that all I should hear of Walter's ordination would be
in the newspaper?"
Marian could make no answer but some sound expressive of sorrow.
"He has only written to me once since--since June!" proceeded Caroline,
in the same utterly dejected tone.
Then Walter had remonstrated, which was a great comfort to Marian, by
restoring him to his place in her estimation. Still she maintained her
expressive silence, and Caroline went on after another interval. "You
and he have been consistent from the first, Marian."
At that moment Fanny came in, and no more could be said, for Marian
was obliged to dress for dinner in a hurry. She took an opportunity of
saying to Lionel that evening, something about the pleasure it would
give Caroline if he would tell her about his letter.
"What! you have been telling her about it?" said he, in a tone of great
vexation; "that is always the way with women--no trusting them!"
"No, indeed, Lionel, I said not one word; but she saw it was Walter's
writing."
"And you went and told her I could not read it?"
"If she asked me, what could I do but speak the truth?" said Marian
gently; but he only made an impatient exclamation.
"I gave not the least hint of what it was about," added Marian,
pleadingly. "Of course I could not think of that, nor she either; but
she looked as if she did so long for some news of Walter: she has not
heard from him since the summer."
"That is her own fault," said Lionel, in his surly voice.
"That only makes it the worse for her. She is so much out of spirits,
Lionel; and if you would only tell her that part about his schools and
his lodging, I am sure she would be so much obliged to you."
"I shan't do any such thing," was his reply; "I always keep my letters
to myself, and I wish you would not talk about me."
He turned sharply away, and crossed the room; but his temper was not
improved by the consequences of his stumbling over a footstool which had
been left full in the way, and in rather a dark place, where it would
have been a trap for any one. He recovered in an instant without
falling; so that it would not have signified if Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell
had not both been startled. The former issued an edict that no
stumbling-block should be left in the way, and the latter entered upon
an investigation as to who had been the delinquent in the present case,
so as to make a great deal of discussion of the very worst kind for
Lionel.
Thenceforth the evening was uncomfortable. Marian felt as if she
was guilty of all, and was extremely provoked with herself for that
blundering way of driving at her point, which made things worse when she
most wanted to set them right. She had not comforted Caroline, and
she had led poor Lionel to fancy his confidence betrayed, and himself
discussed and--as he would call it--gossiped about. No wonder he looked
as if she had been injuring him; yet, unjust as it was, she had only her
own mal-adroitness to blame. A person of tact would have smoothed it all
at once, instead of ruffling everything up.
The tact Marian longed for is a natural talent; the consideration, the
delicacy of feeling, that she really had, were a part of her sterling
goodness, such as may be acquired by all; and her thorough truth,
trustiness, kindness, and above all her single-mindedness, had a value,
where she was really known, which weighed down, in the long run, all
that was involuntarily against her in manner, and won her not only
esteem, but such warm affection, such thorough reliance, as neither she
herself, nor those who felt it could fathom. Tact is an excellent thing,
but genuine love to our neighbour, seeking to show true kindness,
delicacy, and consideration,--striving in fact to do as it would be done
by,--is as much more precious, as a spiritual gift is than a natural
quality.
That very night, as Marian was sitting in her own room in her
dressing-gown, pondering on these unfortunate blunders, there was a
knock at her door, and in came Caroline. Sitting down by the fire, she
held out a letter on two or three sheets of closely written notepaper.
"Read that, Marian," said she, turning her face straight, to the fire as
she gave it.
It was from Walter, and the date showed that it had been written,
immediately on receiving the announcement of Caroline's engagement.
It was grave, earnest, and affectionate; not accusing Mr. Faulkner of
anything, not positively objecting to him, but reminding Caroline of the
solemnity of the duties she was about to undertake, and of the extreme
danger of allowing herself to be so attracted by agreeableness of
manner, or led on by the opinion of those around her, as to forget that
the connection she was about to form was to last for life, and that she
must be responsible for the influence her husband would exercise on her
life here, and therefore on her life hereafter. He said he was sure she
could not enter lightly on such an engagement, and therefore trusted
that her own mind was thoroughly convinced that she had chosen one
who would be a guide, an aid, and a support in the path that all were
treading.
It was exactly Walter's way, as Marian well knew, to manage to say, in
his simple, and as he thought, guarded manner of representing things,
what to sharper people had very much the air of irony; and as she gave
back the letter, her observation, as the first that would occur, was,
"It is very like Walter."
"Very," said Caroline.
"Did you answer him?"
"I wrote again, but--but"--her voice began to fail--"it was not an
answer. I would not seem to understand him. I wrote a lively, careless
sort of letter, and only said papa and mamma were delighted, or
something of that kind. And O, Marian, Marian, he has never written to
me again, and I have deserved it." She burst into tears.
"But why don't you write now? He must be very anxious to hear of Lionel,
and there is no one to tell him."
"I cannot," she replied; "I cannot, while--while he thinks of me as he
must--as he ought!" She wept bitterly, and Marian stood by perplexed and
distressed. "Dear Caroline," was the utmost that she could say.
"Marian!" cried Caroline, looking up for a moment, then hiding her face
again--"I would give anything in the world that he had been at home last
summer; or that you had slept at High Down that night."
A flash of hope and joy came across Marian. "If you think so," she
began, but Caroline cut her short. "I know what you mean, but that it?
impossible, quite Impossible--decidedly so," she added, as if these
assurances were to strengthen her own belief in its impossibility, and
not arguing, from a consciousness that her friend would overthrow every
one of her arguments. "I don't know what made me come to you, and tease
you," said she, rising and taking her letter; "good night."
"Tease me! O, Caroline, Caroline, you know--"
What she knew was lost in a most affectionate embrace; but Caroline
would not stay any longer, and left Marian as usual, regretting
everything that had passed.
The nest night, however, Caroline came again, as if there was some
irresistible spell that drew her to Marian. It was Sunday, and Marian
had long since observed that on such days Caroline was always most out
of spirits. She sat down, and let a long time pass without talking; but
at last she said, "Marian, it is very kind in you to let me come and sit
here. You cannot--no--you will never know how wretched I am."
"My dear, dear Caroline, if I could but do anything for you! but," she
proceeded, gathering resolution from her day's reflections, "you are the
only person who can do anything for yourself."
"Impossible!" repeated Caroline.
Marian was not exactly silenced, but involved in deep considerations
as to the propriety of interfering, and whether attempting to persuade
Caroline would be doing evil that good might come. Before she had made
up her mind,--as, indeed, how could she in five minutes come to a
conclusion to which hours of previous perplexity had failed to bring
her?--Caroline spoke again, "If it had but never begun! but now it has,
it must go on."
"I don't know--"
"It must, I tell you!" repeated Caroline. "If it had all to begin over
again, it would be very different. O, if it was but this time last
year!"
"But Caroline, Caroline," repeated Marian, carried away by the thought
that rose to her lips, "only think; you say now if it was this time last
year--now, while you can escape. Shall not you say so all the more when
it is really too late,--when you will wish you had drawn back now?"
"You have no right to say I should wish, that!" said Caroline, offended.
"You don't know what the love is that you are holding so cheaply."
"I beg your pardon, Caroline," and Marian was thrown into herself again;
but she thought a little longer, and seeing that Caroline was still
waiting and musing, she ventured on saying, in a timid voice, "Somehow,
I think, it would seem to me that the more affection there was, the more
painful it would all be."
"You are right there, Marian," exclaimed Caroline, in a voice of acute
feeling.
It was a strange question that Marian next asked abruptly, on an impulse
sudden at the moment, though it was what she had long eagerly desired to
know. "Do you love him after all?"
Caroline did not seem vexed by the inquiry, but went on speaking rather
as if she was examining herself as to the answer,--"Love him? I don't
know; sometimes I think I do, sometimes I think not. It is not as
people in books love, and--and it can't be as your Agnes must love Mr.
Arundel."
A most emphatic "O no!" escaped from Marian, she hardly knew how, as if
it was profanation to compare Mr. Faulkner to Edmund; and perhaps the
strongest proof that Caroline's was not a real attachment, was that she
let it pass. "But then," pursued she warmly, "I am sure he is attached
to me--yes, very much--and--well, and I am glad to see him come into the
room; I like to walk with him. There is no one--no--no one in the whole
world whom I like so well. All my doubts and fears go away at the first
sound of his voice, and I am quite happy then. O, Marian, that surely is
love?"
"I don't know," said Marian; "I can't fancy love that has not begun with
esteem, with looking up,"
"I do look up!" said Caroline, eagerly. "He is so clever, so sensible,
has such a mind."
"I did not mean looking up intellectually,"
"Ah! you can live in that way," said Caroline, quickly; "your own people
are all of _that sort_. But you know I should never have had any one at
all to love, if I had begun looking for _that kind of thing_, even at
home."
Too true, thought Marian, while she answered, "It is a different thing
where you have to begin afresh, and take it voluntarily upon you."
"Voluntarily!" repeated Caroline; "I am sure my will had very little
to do with it. I found myself in the midst of it, without knowing how,
before I had made up my mind one way or the other. O, Marian! if you had
but been with me that morning."
"Would that have prevented you?"
"I do really believe it would. You would have looked as if you thought
it so impossible, that I should have been strengthened up to do
something they could not have taken for consent. I'll tell you all about
it, Marian, from the beginning, and you will see how little free will I
had in it, and how distracted I am now."
Caroline went through the whole story, incoherently, and often only half
expressing her sentiments, and passing over what Marian knew already.
It seemed that she had been pleased with Mr. Faulkner's agreeableness,
flattered by his attention, and entered upon the same sort of
intercourse with him as with any other pleasant acquaintance. It would
never have been her way, brought up as she had been, to shrink from him
with such shuddering aversion as Marian did, simply from what she had
heard of his opinions. He was so agreeable, that it was just as well
quite to forget that, or only half to believe it. Then came the growing
perceptions of his intentions towards her, and of her mother's triumph
in them. But this was not till the archery arrangements were so far
advanced, that she could not have drawn back from them; and she was,
besides, in a whirl of gaiety and excitement that left little time for
serious thought: that she put off till his offer should be made, if it
was really coming. It came, and when she did not expect it. She knew
not what to do she was too confused for consideration. The next day was
bewilderment, and in the evening she found herself engaged. The new
sensation given her by her lover's affection, her genuine admiration of
his personal superiority, and wonder at herself for having attracted
such a man,--her gratitude to his family for their kindness, the triumph
of her parents,--all formed such a mixture of pleasurable, almost
intoxicating feelings, as at first to giddy her, (or, as the French will
express it, _l'ètourdir_,) as to what she had done, and what she
was about to do. Marian's grave, still face, and omission of one
congratulatory, even of one sympathetic word, were indeed witnesses; but
the impression of her unaccommodating ways was then recent, and
Caroline thought of her as one who showed goodness to be unpleasing and
impracticable, and looked on her silent disapproval as part of that
system of severity in which, she was consistent, but which her conduct
only proved to be absurd and unreasonable.
In the same spirit Caroline disregarded Walter's letter,--only a letter,
which could therefore be laid aside, and which, in truth, did not say
all he meant as forcibly or as well as it might have been said, since,
as every one knew, Walter was more good than clever. A tenderness of
feeling, reminding her that Walter loved her, would not let her destroy
the letter, or be offended; but she intrenched herself in her parents'
satisfaction, and being resolved not to attend to it, she would not seem
to understand it. So time passed; at first she was really not exactly
happy, but possessing what passed very well for happiness with herself
and every one else; then came a time when an effort became necessary to
persuade herself that she was so. It was not that Mr. Faulkner showed
his character more openly, or startled her with any such plain
expressions as had so much shocked Lionel; for he held that most subtle
and perilous of all views partaking of unbelief,--that Christianity was
the best and most beautiful form of religion yet promulgated, that it
was all very well now for women and weak-minded people, and it was a
step to some wonderful perfectibility, which was a sort of worship of an
essence of beauty and intellect.
He did not say such things to her, but they were the principles on which
all his sentiments were founded: and as she knew him mire and more
intimately, compared and discussed their tastes and likings, and the
grounds on which they were formed, there were tokens, which could not
help now and then showing themselves, of those opinions of which Marian
had warned her.
Very slow was she to admit the conviction, for she was growing much
attached to him; and whenever he praised the beauty, the poetry, the
morality, the majesty of anything belonging to religion, she caught at
it and silenced all her doubts with it,--hoped she had silenced them for
ever,--but the perception would return that it was only the beauty that
he praised, because it was beauty, and struck him as such. Shade upon
shade, imperceptible in itself, but each tint adding to its depth,
the cloud of misgiving darkened, and though she tried to fight it
off,--though she told herself it was too late,--though she was very
angry with herself for it, there it still hung; and the ever-present
consciousness of Marian's disapproval heightened it, till in impatient
moods she began to dislike Marian, and wish her out of the house,
Then came the news of Edmund Arundel's engagement, rousing Marian into
such a glow of warm-hearted delight, as to waken Caroline to a complete
sense of her power of affection, as well as of the contrast of the
manner in which she regarded the prospects of her two friends. Caroline
grew more unhappy, and strove both against her own growing wretchedness,
and an almost magnetic attraction, which drew her to impart it all to
Marian, in spite of the chill with which it would be first met, and of
the advice which could never be taken; whilst a yearning, longing desire
for the long-suspended intercourse with Walter, and a sense of his
displeasure, formed no slight portion of her miserable feelings. The
arrangements for her marriage she looked on as part of her destiny,--at
any rate, they occupied her mind; and there would be an end, after that,
of these dreadful and vain doubts.
In the midst of all this, poor Lionel's threatened misfortune gave
Caroline, as it were, a glimpse down a long dark road, where nothing had
ever yet caused her to look; yet who could say whether it might not
be her's to tread it? Affliction, sickness, sorrow, death, certain at
last,--there was but one stay in them; and what if she should lose
it,--if she was losing it already? I She thought of bearing them with
_him_,--of the hollowness, the fallacy, the utter misery of trying to be
sustained by aught that had not its foundations firmly fixed beyond the
grave,--of not looking as sorrow as fatherly chastisement. (Caroline
hardly yet entered into its still higher claim,) or at death as the gate
of life. And O! if she loved him as her husband, what would it be to see
him die, thinking, or even having thought, as he too surely did? All the
train of fallacies about sincerity rather than forms of faith,--all the
hopes that he might yet be brought to see the truth, and that she might
be the means, were only soporifics for a moment, which failed to still
the ever growing agony. She knew there was nothing in them, and that
they were only extenuations; but still, amid all her unhappiness, there
was a resolution to persevere, a want of moral courage which determined
her to go on, and enter on such a life as this, rather than go through
all that would ensue on an attempt to break off the match. Thus, though
her reluctance was increasing, and she now sought to put off the
decisive day, instead of precipitating it, as at first, all she
attempted was to have the wedding deferred in consequence of her
brother's condition; and though, logically taken, there was no great
reason in the request, every one agreed it was a very amiable feeling,
and so her desire was complied with. She would have avoided Marian more
than ever, but this could hardly be, now that her cousin was in fuller
sympathy, with all the family than she had ever been before; and little
as was her immediate power with Lionel, Caroline would have given worlds
even for that. Thus, as has been shown, the old sympathy grew up again;
the root, blighted months ago, shot out once more, and at last accident
and impulse led Caroline to do what she had little expected ever to have
done,--to pour out all her griefs, cares, and doubts to Marian, knowing
all the time what she would say, and resolved against her advice, yet
irresistibly impelled to go on, as if talking would relieve her of her
burthen, and resting on the solid, firm truth of that deep love, which
manifested itself by few tokens indeed, but those were of extreme worth.
The confession was a perplexity and a sorrow to Marian while it was
being made, though she was very glad it had been done; and how intense
were the affection and compassion for Caroline that filled her heart is
beyond all power of narration. She answered with earnest sympathy, at
each step helped out the broken words, and showed her comprehension of
the pauses. She was a perfect listener in all but one respect; she
would not give the counsel Caroline wanted; and she would not have been
Marian, she would not have had her own reality and bracing severity, if
she had. She could not cheer Caroline up, bid her banish fear, and look
forward to happiness; she could not even tell her there was no help for
it: she only said, "I don't know," and sat considering whenever Caroline
reiterated that it was impossible, and too late.
Some power those "I don't knows" had beyond eloquence; for when Caroline
had seven times fully proved how entirely out of the question any
attempt to escape from her destiny would be, she ended by asking, in
quite a different tone, "What would you have me do?"
The reply was, of course, "I don't know;" but this was immediately
followed by a repetition of the former counsel, "Write to Walter."
Caroline could not--would not; it would be of no use: poor Walter should
not be tormented. If, in his strict sense of right, he chose to come and
try, as he would think, to save her, there would be nothing but uproar
and confusion in the family; and to think of him, with his timidity,
bringing his father's anger on himself for her sake, seemed to her
at the moment beyond all things dreadful. No, no, no, it was utterly
impossible; and therewith the fire being out, and the clock striking
two, Caroline thanked Marian for her kindness, said it was all of no
use, kissed her, and bade her good night.
Marian thought no good was done, and only made herself very unhappy at
seeing her led, by weakness, to sacrifice herself against her better
judgment. The next night, Caroline came again, and the conversation was
resumed, or rather gone over again, with no more satisfactory result
than before; and so it was the next, and the next. To be comforter and
adviser sounds like a delightful privilege, and so, thought Marian, it
would be, if one could only do it; but to have all the opportunity,--to
have people coming for comfort, and not in the least be able to afford
it, neither to relieve them, nor to be sure that she had not done them
harm was to the highest degree painful and unsatisfactory. And from
Lionel's repinings to Caroline's doubts, she went, suffering for each,
equally unable to console either, and wondering which was the saddest
case. Lionel's was, she thought, far the best, if he would but perceive
it; but then Caroline's might yet be remedied, if she had but strength
for one struggle. All that Marian could do without mistrust, was to pray
for them both, and to pray that she might not be the means of doing them
harm.
She saw how wrong it would be in her, personally to interfere between
Caroline and her parents' wishes; and it was this that made her adhere
to that one piece of advice, that Walter should be written to, since on
his judgment and sense of right there was the most absolute reliance;
and, both as brother and Clergyman, he was by far the most proper person
for Caroline to consult, or to act for her.
For three days, however, it was all in vain, Caroline would not write;
and she began to despair, and to grow angry with the feebleness that
would not take one step in the right direction. On the fourth, Caroline,
who the night before had seemed as averse as ever, showed her, as she
crossed the hall on the way to luncheon, a letter directed to
the Reverend Walter Lyddell. Her heart leapt, but as she smiled
satisfaction, she saw Caroline's face so wan, dejected, and miserable,
that she could not make herself too happy. There were other doubts, now
that this point was gained, as to how Walter might be able to manage
Caroline,--whether he would lead her to the right, or unconsciously turn
her to the wrong, by his want of skilfulness; what might be his idea of
her duty to her parents, or to her promise; whether he might think
it right to take upon himself to advise, or whether either he or his
sister, when it came to the point, would have nerve enough to excite
their father's displeasure.
The only thing Marian thought at all favourable, was that Elliot and Mr.
Faulkner were both at Newmarket, and there was no present appearance of
their coming home. Elliot was likely to make more opposition than any
one else, and Mr. Faulkner's influence was of course to be dreaded.
Indeed, had he been at hand, believing, as Caroline did, in his
affection for her, it was most probable that she would never have spoken
of her misgivings at all, and very possibly have hardly acknowledged
them to herself.
Caroline's letter had been written on Thursday. It was Monday, and no
answer had come, which caused her to look more worn and dispirited than
before, unable even to keep up the appearance of cheerfulness which she
had hitherto assumed when with the rest of the family. It was a cold,
gloomy, wintry day, with gusts of sleety rain, and no one chose to
attempt going out, except Marian and Lionel, the former of whom was
a systematic despiser of weather, and never was hurt by anything but
staying in-doors, while the latter would rather have done anything than
idle away a whole afternoon as well as a morning in the drawing-room.
Even they thought it too bad for riding; so after making the circuit of
the park, they went into the town, where Lionel wanted to buy a silk
handkerchief. He had been told the day before that his neck-tie was
growing unfit to be seen, he did not choose to ask any one to get one
for him, and it was against his will that he was obliged to take Marian
to secure him from buying "any thing awful," as he expressed it.
The purchase prospered very well, Lionel hoped that the shopman had not
found out how entirely he trusted to his companion for the choice, and
was proud that his old precaution of substituting a key for a slider at
the gold end of his purse, had saved him from making any mistakes about
the money. They were walking away, arm in arm; it was not yet necessary
to guide him, but Marian thought, beginning now would soften the first
commencement of dependence. And, indeed, even in the holidays Lionel, in
his first tail-coat, had been well-pleased to find himself man enough to
have his arm taken by a young lady.
A carriage was passing. "There is Walter!" joyfully exclaimed Marian, as
she saw the well-known spectacled face peering from the window of one of
the carriages from the Great Western Station.
"Walter! what, come at last?" cried Lionel, looking up and frowning in
that painful way that had become habitual to him when he strained his
eyes to see distinctly. Walter had at the same moment spied them,
stopped, thrown the door open, sprung out, and was shaking hands with
them, but scarcely speaking. He turned again to order the driver to go
on and set his things down at the house, and then joined his brother and
cousin, looting very anxiously at Lionel, whose arm Marian had quitted,
and still keeping silence. Marian on her side was very glad; but at the
same time almost overcome by the thought of what this return home must
be to Walter, and feeling a strange, solemn sensation at first meeting
her cousin and companion, after he had become in an especial manner
the servant of the Most High. He was Walter still, Walter with his
near-sighted eyes, and nervous manner, yet he was so much more, and his
clerical dress would not let her forget it for a moment.
Lionel was the most unembarrassed of the three, he was very glad to
meet his brother, and wishing to show that he could bear his troubles
manfully, he spoke joyously, "So you have thought better of it and come
at last, Walter; I hope it is for a good long time."
"Only till Saturday," was Walter's answer.
"Well, that is something, only I can't think why you did not come
before."
Walter murmured something about having been much occupied, and then
seemed to be watching Lionel too intently to say any more. Marian
thought the brothers would get on much better without her, and, coming
to a cottage, said she wanted to speak to somebody in it. "O Marian, we
will wait for you," said Walter, with a pleading look, and she saw from
his agitated, fidgeting manner, that he was excessively nervous at the
notion of being left to take care of Lionel back to the house.
"Very well," she said, "I will not be a moment;" and delivering her
message, which had been only devised as an excuse, she walked on with
them, in a sort of despair as to Walter's being of any use. "If he is
afraid to walk home with Lionel," thought she, "what will it be about
stirring up his father? Why cannot people have a little courage?" She
consoled herself by remembering that Walter could not know the degree of
Lionel's blindness, and probably thought it worse than it yet was; but
even if it had been total, she could not see that he need have been
afraid of guiding him in the street and through the park. If it was the
additional nervousness, of disliking to begin on so painful a subject,
that she thought worse than all. Marian being by no means troubled with
nerves herself, had little toleration for women who had them; and none
at all for men. She thought the case lost, and half repented of her
advice to write to Walter, yet she did not know what else she could
possibly have said. Lionel talked on, told who was at home, and what
every one was about, and when Johnny had last been heard of, all in a
bright, lively tone, not exactly assumed, for he was much cheered by
his brother's arrival, and yet partly from the wonted desire of showing
himself happy. Walter did not make much reply, but when Lionel after
saying Elliot was at Newmarket, added, "And Mr. Faulkner is there too,
so you won't have the pleasure of an introduction," he started, and
Marian saw the trembling of his lips.
Thus they reached the house, and Lionel dashed forward In his own
headlong way before them, to announce Walter's coming. Then Walter
looked at Marian, saying, "Then it is not so bad yet?"
"O no, it is only that he cannot see anything distinctly; he cannot bear
not to be independent."
They were entering the hall by this time, and his mother and sisters had
come out to meet Walter, Caroline very white and trembling, and holding
by the back of a chair instead of coming forward; Mrs. Lyddell kissed
him, and seemed more affectionate than usual, for it had been a great
pleasure to her to see Lionel rush in with that animated face, and a
shout such as he used to get into disgrace for.
Nothing came to pass that evening, there were no private conferences,
and there was nothing remarkable, excepting that Lionel was quite merry
and talkative, and Caroline more silent than ever, seeming hardly to
attend even when Walter was sitting between her and Clara, talking to
Marian and Lionel about the beautiful arrangements of Church and school
in his new curacy. At night she was in such a terrible agitation,
walking up and down the rooms so restless and wretched that Marian,
seriously afraid she would be quite ill the next day, persuaded her with
great difficulty, to go to bed, and did not leave her till very late at
night, when she had read her to sleep.
It was a, great relief to find her pretty well in the morning, at least
with nothing worse than a headache. She and Walter both disappeared
after breakfast, and did not come down till luncheon time, when she
looked so ill that Mrs. Lyddell was alarmed and insisted on her lying
down and keeping quiet. Then Mrs. Lyddell said that Walter ought to go
and call on Lady Julia Faulkner, and offered to take him there. Marian
looked at him by stealth, and could have gasped for breath, for by what
he did now, she thought she could see what line he would take.
"Thank you," he said, or rather hesitated, "but don't let me interrupt
your plans. I thought I heard something about--about. Salisbury. I have
something to do there."
"The girls did talk of wanting to go," said Mrs. Lyddell. "Did not you,
Marian or Clara, which was it?"
"My watch wants to have something done to it," put in Lionel, whose
father had given him a repeater, which of course began its career by
doing anything but going properly.
"Well, perhaps it will he as well to go to Salisbury to-day, as Caroline
has this headache. She never likes going there, and she may be able to
go with us to High Down to-morrow."
So it was settled, and they left the luncheon table. Marian happened to
be the last lady, and whether it was fancy or not she was not sure, but
she thought she heard on Walter's lips, a self-reproachful whisper of
"Coward."
The expedition to Salisbury, in which Marian was obliged to take part,
prevented her from seeing anything of Caroline till the evening, and
then as soon as Clara was out of the way Caroline rose up, caught hold
of her hand, and exclaimed, "O, Marian, what have you made me do?" then
walked about in a paroxysm of distress, almost terrible to witness.
"Caroline, dearest, O don't!" cried Marian quite frightened; "do try to
be calm! O what is it?"
"O it will all be misery!" said Caroline, sitting down and clasping her
hands over her face, "I little knew what it would be when you made me
write to Walter. He says it would be wickedness--yes, those were his
words--he called it wickedness in me to go on with it, as I feel now!"
"And you mean to--"
"I cannot tell--I don't know--he must do as he pleases; O it will make
me wild! He must do as he pleases, for I must be wretched either way,"
"Dear Caroline--but O! how much better to be unhappy for the sake of
doing right than when--"
"Yes, yes--so he said--but O! the horror. It kills me even to think of
what it will be! O, Marian, Marian--"
"It will be over in time," said Marian; "but O! I am glad you have made
up your mind--"
"No, I have not--at least I must, I suppose--for after what Walter said
I can't go on. Walter's words would be a dagger--O! I don't know what
they would be, all the rest of my life if I did. No--you and Walter must
have your own way; I am too wretched already to care what becomes of
inc. But he--O Marian, I never can--"
"If it is right you can," said Marian.
"You can, but you don't know what you say to me," said Caroline. "Right
has never been to me what it is to you."
"Yes, indeed it has, dear Caroline, or you would not be making this
struggle now. Indeed there must be strength in you, or you would have
gone on without faltering."
"Walter said he should never have spoken one word after that first
letter, if I had not begun," said Caroline; "but when he saw my mind
misgave me, and I wanted help, he thought it his duty to come and set
it all before me. O, Marian, he said dreadful things; I did not think
Walter could have been so cruel. O, such things! He made me look at the
Marriage Service, and say how I could answer those things; and he talked
about death and the Last Day. He said it would be a presumptuous sin,
and a profaning of the holy ordinance for me to come to it, knowing and
thinking and feeling as I do. O what things he said! and yet he was very
kind to me."
"Well, and--"
"I left it all to him. I knew it would be misery, and I did not care in
what way; but then, Marian, O! worse than all, he said it must be my own
doing."
"I suppose it must."
"He said he would help me; but I was the only person who had a right to
do anything! O, Marian, Marian, I wish I could die."
"It will be over in time!" repeated Marian.
"Yes, but it will not be over. Mamma, papa, O I shall be reproached with
it for ever; I shall know I have made _him_ unhappy. O would that I
could begin all over again!"
"You will have comfort at last in having been strong. The greater the
effort the nobler it is! O, Caroline, do only hold out nobly. It is so
glorious to have something to suffer for the sake of doing right!"
"Glorious!" murmured Caroline, her desponding gaze raised to contemplate
the grand head, fine brow, firm lips, and dark glancing eye, turned up
for a moment in the enthusiastic spirit of self-devotion. That look,
unknowing as was Marian that she wore it, penetrated into Caroline's
soul, and warmed her too with the temper of martyrdom. "Glorious;" she
repeated a second time, and the tone was not so broken and hopeless as
before.
"To be sure it is!" said Marian, going on with her own thoughts, "and it
is so seldom people can ever partake of it, in ever so slight a degree,
in these days; I always think it so beautiful where the account is given
of the Apostles' great joy when they found a persecution was really
going to begin."
"Persecution--yes, real persecution."
"And every suffering for the sake of the truth, for conscience' sake,
must partake a little of that, I suppose," said Marian reverently.
There they were interrupted by Clara, who came to call Marian down
stairs. Caroline came too, which the others had not expected. She was
more calm and composed, and her headache was supposed by her mother to
account for her want of spirits. She went to bed early, begging Marian
to come and visit her when she came up. Marian contrived to do so as
soon as possible, and found her already in bed, quiet and comfortable.
"Marian," she said, "I have made up my mind. Now read to me, if you
please."
She was worn out with agitation and sleeplessness, and soothed with
having come to a determination, she soon fell asleep, and Marian went
to her own room, wondering over the part Walter had acted, and what he
might be going to do next, whether he had led or driven his sister, and
how far the courage of principle would avail to subdue natural timidity.
Caroline was pretty well the next morning, but the time was broken up in
various ways, so that it was not till the afternoon that she could see
Walter again in private. Lionel was considerably disconcerted when he
found himself left to Marian. He had no notion of what was going on, had
believed Walter's return to be entirely on his account, and was much
disappointed at not having more of his company; for though both had been
of the party to Salisbury, one had been outside the carriage and the
other inside, so that they had not seen much of each other, and this
morning had been interrupted. He was so much vexed and inclined to be
hurt, by what he felt as a slight on his brother's part, that Marian
could not resist telling him what she knew would console him. "I don't
think you will mind it, Lionel, when you know why it is that Caroline
wants him."
"Ha?" said Lionel, "you don't mean that she has thought better of it,
and is going to send Julian the Apostate to the right about. Eh? You
don't say so. Well, then there is some good in Caroline after all! But
then what should she want of Walter?"
"To help her, to advise her."
"Well, if she likes, but I can't see what advice she wants. She has only
got to make him a curtsey and say, 'Very much obliged to you, sir, but I
had rather be excused.'"
Marian could not help laughing, in spite of her deep feeling on the
matter, and Lionel, who had acted the voice and the curtsey, laughed
too, and then perhaps ashamed of making fun of such an affair, added,
"It is the best news I have heard this long time. What, and that is what
she has been so dismal about these last few days, is it?"
"Yes, she has been very unhappy indeed. It is a terrible struggle."
"What? she likes him, does she? Poor Cary! After all I am glad she is
coming right again, she is very good natured, and a great deal too good
for Ju--. Ah! you won't have him called so, I know. They have taken a
good time for it now he is away and Elliot too, but what a tremendous
row there will be about it. Mamma thought it was such a speculation for
Caroline."
"Yes, I am afraid she will have a great deal to go through."
"Yes," said Lionel, pondering gravely for some minutes; then asking
"What is going to be done?"
"I don't know in the least; I believe she is settling with Walter
to-day."
"Then nobody knows about it yet?"
There was no more to do but to have the satisfaction of talking over the
engagement together, an occupation which put Lionel into particularly
good spirits, and made their walk very pleasant. In the next glimpse
which Marian had of Caroline, she learnt that Walter had undertaken to
speak to his father that very evening. Caroline looked ghastly white as
she said so in a whisper, but her dreadful agitation seemed to have
left her; she had evidently quite made up her mind, though she said she
believed it would never have been done if it had rested with her to
begin by telling either of her parents. Both she and Marian knew that
nothing but a spirit of moral heroism could have braced Walter to bear
the first brunt of his father's wrath, and she was very much shocked at
her own weakness in suffering it, but still it was much in her to allow
it to be done.
That the conversation had taken place at night, when all the rest had
retired, was evident to Marian when they met the nest morning from the
very dark, severe loots of Mr Lyddell, from his wife's impatient angry
manner, and sharper, louder voice. Walter was almost absolutely silent,
Caroline went through the forms of breakfast as if she was in a dream,
Lionel frowned, fidgeted, and tried with all his might, poor boy, to
scan the faces which were daily growing more obscure to his vision; even
Clara saw something was wrong, and glanced from one to the other in a
puzzled, alarmed manner When they left the dining-room, Marian heard
Mrs. Lyddell say, "Caroline, I want you." She flew up to her own room,
and hiding her face, as she knelt down, she entreated earnestly that her
poor Caroline might have steadfastness to go through this fearful trial.
She was interrupted by Clara, begging to know what was the matter, if
anything was wrong about Mr. Faulkner; she thought Lionel knew, but when
she him be would do nothing but crow like a cock. Marian would have been
glad if she could have made any equally convenient demonstration instead
of an answer, but she could only say that she had heard nothing of Mr.
Faulkner, and could not tell Clara anything about the matter.
"Do you know anything?" said Clara.
"I do know."
"Ah! you are in all Caroline's secrets now, and that is very odd; you
who used to hate the Faulkners. Well, but are not you coming down?"
In spite of his cock-crowings, Lionel was very anxious, and when in the
course of that long desultory forlorn morning he was left alone with
Marian, he earnestly asked her what she knew. "Nothing" was her answer.
"O if Caroline will but hold out!" he exclaimed, "that will be what I
call being good for something! I hope mamma won't be desperately angry,
for that I could stand less than anything, it goes on so much longer
with her than with papa."
"She will be very much disappointed. O how I wish I knew what is
happening!"
It was a long time before any intelligence could be gained: Mrs. Lyddell
was very much flushed, and looked extremely displeased when she came
down, hardly speaking to any one but Lionel, and glancing most sternly
at Marian, Caroline did not come down at all, and when Marian was going
up stairs after luncheon, Mrs. Lyddell said with extreme coldness, "Do
not go to Caroline, if you please, I wish her to be left quiet."
Marian was in great consternation, since it was evident that Mrs.
Lyddell perceived how her influence had been exerted, and was very much
offended, indeed it was no wonder that she should be. Nothing but "very
well" could be said so she quietly prepared to go out. Lionel had his
brother this afternoon and did not want her, so she had only Clara for
her companion full of surmises and of excitement. When she came in and
was on her way to her room, Caroline opened her door. "Marian! O will
you not come to me?" cried she imploringly.
Marian could not but comply, indeed she had no hesitation, for she
thought Mrs. Lyddell's injunction only applied to the time before she
went out.
"O, cheer me up, comfort me, Marian!" said Caroline, drawing her
cousin's arm round her waist, "I do want it so much!"
"You are going on bravely then!" said Marian, caressing her.
"Bravely!" sighed Caroline; "No, indeed, but I have held firmly so far!
I could not but stand by poor Walter, you know, when he confronted it
all for me! I could not say much--I could only cry--but I took care they
should not think I consented again."
"And is Mrs. Lyddell very much displeased?"
"O, don't speak of it, Marian. I cannot bear it."
The door opened and Mrs. Lyddell entered, and the air of indignant
surprise on seeing Marian called for an answer: "I beg your pardon, I
thought you only meant me not to go to Caroline just after luncheon,"
said Marian.
"I wish matters, such as we have been discussing, to be confined
entirely to our own family," replied Mrs. Lyddell, too angry not to say
something, yet too much afraid of Marian not to say it very courteously.
"Mamma!" said Caroline eagerly, "only hear me. I assure you that not one
word did Marian ever say to me till I voluntarily went to her a week
ago, because I was so very miserable I could bear it no longer."
"I should have thought your mother the proper person to go to in such a
case. Miss Arundel's sentiments had so long been visible, that you could
have no doubt of the advice you would receive from her."
"Mrs. Lyddell," said Marian, collecting herself, and speaking slowly,
"I am very sorry I have appeared to act a part which I know must seem
unjustifiable. I never spoke to--to Caroline" (the remembrance of Lionel
prevented her from saying to any one) "of my opinion of this engagement,
after it was formed, till she came to me for advice, in her distress. I
could not speak against my conscience, and I tried not to forget what
was due to you. I only begged her to write to her brother as the fittest
person to help her, as being a clergyman. I beg your pardon for having
acted against your wishes." So saying, Marian went out, surprised and
alarmed at finding herself in open opposition to Mrs. Lyddell, and
bewildered as to how she ought to have acted. Her comfort was in looking
forward to the refuge at Fern Torr, and she smiled as she compared Mrs.
Lyddell with her other guardian's future wife.
Mrs. Lyddell wished her at Fern Torr fully as much as she did. She had
already become jealous of Lionel's preference, and it was too galling to
find the affection of her children stolen from her by that cold, pale,
proud, unprepossessing girl. Had the love been on the part of Elliot or
Walter, Mrs. Lyddell would hardly have regretted it, considering Miss
Arundel's large fortune and high connexions; but nothing was less
probable than this, and Marian's influence over Caroline was at present,
in Mrs. Lyddell's eyes, only a source of mischief.
Lionel was alone in the drawing-room, and met Marian eagerly inquiring
"What news?"
"I have hardly seen her. Has Walter told you nothing?"
"No; he thinks I don't know, and I was not going to let on that you told
me. Is she steady?"
"Yes, so far."
"That is right," said Lionel, thoughtfully, "I am very sorry for her,
but I shall think the better of her ever after."
"Have you been out with Walter?"
"Yes, we have had a very nice talk."
Here Walter came down, and began to talk to Marian about schools and
lending libraries.
It was a strange state of things, with all those different pairs of
confidential friends. Both Marian and Walter were the stay and support
of Caroline and Lionel; yet, though acting in concert, and perfectly
agreed, not saying a word in confidence to each other on either head.
Neither did Walter speak of Caroline to Lionel, nor Lionel, though much
interested for her, speak to her of his affairs or her own. Clara indeed
bestowed her communications on every one, but she got nothing in return
that was satisfactory. Marian was the central point with all except
Walter, but the fulness of her heart was bestowed elsewhere. And, alas!
none saw so little of those young hearts as the parents, who had never
earned their confidence; so that when they turn to them, it was from
duty, as to rulers, not as to counsellors and friends.
Very sore was Marian's heart that night, when she felt it her duty to
bid Caroline good night in Mrs. Lyddell's hearing, in spite of the
piteous, imploring glance turned upon her. Might not her support make
all the difference now? she thought. No; shame on her for thinking that
she could do more good than He to whose hands Caroline was trusted!
Folly, to dream that her awkward, blundering words could be more help
than the prayers she could pour out alone!
Yet all these consolations could not prevent poor Marian from being very
miserable, under the dread that Caroline thought her unkind, and felt
herself deserted, after being involved in all this suffering. And O,
should she fail! Walter must go on Saturday, and then she would be left
to fight her battle alone.
On the Friday the whole house knew what was going on. Mr. Lyddell
himself had a conversation with Caroline, but nothing of it transpired.
It only was evident that she still continued in the same mind, and she
looked more wretched than ever. Marian was anxious to show her affection
and sympathy in her manner, but her anxiety only made her cold, and dry,
and awkward. Clara was excited and puzzled, Walter was hardly spoken to
by father or mother; and when at breakfast on Saturday he spoke of his
departure, the silence that he encountered seemed to express that he had
much better not have come home at all.
Marian felt fierce with indignation, and Lionel, perhaps by way of
effusion of the same feeling, dashed his chair away from the table, and
called out, "Mind you come back again as soon as ever you can."
But the dead silence that followed was more painful and marked than it
had been before.