The next day the world was again all in order, and we had school as
before, and things were got by heart as before--the Roman kings,
chronology--the _nomina_ in _im_, the _verba irregularia_--Greek,
Hebrew, geography, German, mental arithmetic--Lord! my head is still
giddy with it!--all must be learnt by heart. And much of it was
eventually to my advantage. For had I not learnt the Roman kings by
heart, it would subsequently have been a matter of perfect indifference
to me whether Niebuhr had or had not proved that they never really
existed. And had I not learnt chronology, how could I ever, in later
years, have found out anyone in Berlin, where one house is as like
another as drops of water, or as grenadiers, and where it is impossible
to find a friend unless you have the number of his house in your head.
Therefore I associated with every friend some historical event which had
happened in a year corresponding to the number of his house, so that the
one recalled the other, and some curious point in history always
occurred to me whenever I met an acquaintance. For instance, when I met
my tailor I at once thought of the Battle of Marathon; if I saw the
well-dressed banker, Christian Gumpel, I remembered the destruction of
Jerusalem; if a Portuguese friend, deeply in debt, of the flight of
Mahomet; if the University Judge, a man whose probity is well known, of
the death of Haman; and if Wadzeck, I was at once reminded of
Cleopatra.--Ach, _lieber Himmel_! the poor creature is dead now, our
tears are dry, and we may say of her, with Hamlet, "Take her for all in
all, she was a hag--we oft shall look upon her like again!" As I said,
chronology is necessary. I know men who have nothing in their heads but
a few years, yet who know exactly where to look for the right houses,
and are, moreover, regular professors. But oh, the trouble I had at
school with dates!--and it went even worse with arithmetic. I understood
_subtraction_ best, and for this I had a very practical rule--"Four from
three won't go, I must borrow one"--but I advise everyone, in such a
case, to borrow a few extra shillings, for one never knows.
But as for the Latin, Madame, you can really have no idea how muddled it
is. The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world if they
had been obliged first to learn Latin. Those happy people knew in their
cradles the nouns with an accusative in _im_. I, on the contrary, had to
learn them by heart, in the sweat of my brow, but still it is well that
I knew them. For if, for example, when I publicly disputed in Latin, in
the College Hall of Göttingen, on the 20th of July 1825--Madame, it was
well worth while to hear it--if, I say, I had said _sinapem_ instead of
_sinapim_, the blunder would have been evident to the Freshmen, and an
endless shame for me. _Vis_, _buris_, _sitis_, _tussis_, _cucumis_,
_amussis_, _cannabis_, _sinapis_--these words, which have attracted so
much attention in the world, effected this, because they belonged to a
determined class, and yet were exceptions; on that account I value them
highly, and the fact that I have them ready at my finger's ends when I
perhaps need them in a hurry affords me in many dark hours of life much
internal tranquillity and consolation. But, Madame, the _verba
irregularia_--they are distinguished from the _verbis regularibus_ by
the fact that in learning them one gets more whippings--are terribly
difficult. In the damp arches of the Franciscan cloister near our
school-room there hung a large crucified Christ of grey wood, a dismal
image, that even yet at times marches through my dreams and gazes
sorrowfully on me with fixed bleeding eyes--before this image I often
stood and prayed, "Oh thou poor and equally tormented God, if it be
possible for thee, see that I get by heart the irregular verbs!"
I will say nothing of Greek; I should irritate myself too much. The
monks of the Middle Ages were not so very much in the wrong when they
asserted that Greek was an invention of the Devil. Lord knows what I
suffered through it. It went better with Hebrew, for I always had a
great predilection for the Jews, although they to this very hour have
crucified my good name; but I never could get so far in Hebrew as my
watch, which had an intimate intercourse with pawnbrokers, and in
consequence acquired many Jewish habits--for instance, it would not go
on Saturday--and learned the holy language, and was subsequently
occupied with its grammar, for often when sleepless in the night I have
to my amazement heard it industriously repeating: _katal_, _katalta_,
_katalki_--_kittel_, _kittalta_, _kittalti_--_pokat_,
_pokadeti_--_pikat_--_pik_--_pik_.
Meanwhile I learned much more German, and that is not such child's play.
For we poor Germans, who have already been sufficiently plagued with
soldiers quartered on us, military duties, poll-taxes, and a thousand
other exactions, must needs, over and above all this, torment each other
with accusatives and datives. I learned much German from the old Rector
Schallmeyer, a brave, clerical gentleman, whose protégé I was from
childhood. Something of the matter I also learned from Professor
Schramm, a man who had written a book on Eternal Peace, and in whose
class my school-fellows fought with especial vigour.
And while thus dashing on in a breath, and thinking of everything, I
have unexpectedly found myself back among old school stories, and I
avail myself of this opportunity to show you, Madame, that it was not my
fault if I learned so little geography, that later in life I could not
make my way in the world. For in those days the French had deranged all
boundaries, every day countries were recoloured; those which were once
blue suddenly became green, many even blood-red; the old established
rules were so confused and confounded that no Devil would recognise
them. The products of the country also changed, chickory and beets now
grew where only hares and hunters running after them were once to be
seen; even the characters of different races changed--the Germans became
pliant, the French paid compliments no longer, the English ceased making
ducks and drakes of their money, and the Venetians were not subtle
enough; there was promotion among princes, old kings obtained new
uniforms, new kingdoms were cooked up and sold like hot cakes, many
potentates, on the other hand, were chased from house and home, and had
to find some new way of earning their bread, while others went at once
at a trade, and manufactured, for instance, sealing-wax, or--Madame,
this sentence must be brought to an end, or I shall be out of breath--in
short, it is impossible in such times to advance far in geography.
I succeeded better in natural history, for there we find fewer changes,
and we always have standard engravings of apes, kangaroos, zebras,
rhinoceroses, etc. And having many such pictures in my memory, it often
happens that at first sight many mortals appear to me like old
acquaintances.
I did well in mythology; I took real delight in the mob of gods and
goddesses who ruled the world in joyous nakedness. I do not believe that
there was a schoolboy in ancient Rome who knew the chief articles of his
catechism--that is, the loves of Venus--better than I. To tell the
truth, it seems to me that if we must learn all the heathen gods by
heart, we might as well have kept them from the first, and we have not
perhaps made so much out of our New Roman Trinity or even our Jewish
monotheism. Perhaps that mythology was not in reality so immoral as we
imagine, and it was, for example, a very decent thought of Homer's to
give the much-loved Venus a husband.
But I succeeded best of all in the French class of the Abbé d'Aulnoi, a
French _emigré_ who had written a number of grammars, and wore a red
wig, and jumped about very nervously when he recited his _Art poétique_,
and his _Histoire Allemande_. He was the only one in the whole
gymnasium who taught German history. Still French has its difficulties,
and to learn it there must be much quartering of troops, much drumming
in, much _apprendre par coeur_, and above all, no one should be a
_bête allemande_. Thus many bitter words came in. I remember still, as
though it happened yesterday, the scrapes I got into through _la
réligion_. Six times came the question:--"Henry, what is the French for
'the faith?'" And six times, ever more tearfully, I replied, "It is
called _le crédit_." And at the seventh question, with a deep cherry-red
face, my furious examiner cried, "It is called _la réligion_"--and there
was a rain of blows, and all my school-fellows laughed. Madame!--since
that day I can never hear the word _réligion_ but my back turns pale
with terror, and my cheeks red with shame. And to speak truly, _le
crédit_ has during my life stood me in better stead than _la réligion_.
It occurs to me at this moment that I still owe the landlord of the
Lion, in Bologna, five thalers. And I pledge you my word of honour that
I would owe him five thalers more if I could only be certain that I
should never again hear that unlucky word, _la réligion_.
_Parbleu_, Madame! I have succeeded well in French! I understand not
only _patois_, but even aristocratic nurse-maid French. Not long ago,
when in noble society, I understood full one-half of the conversation of
two German countesses, each of whom could count at least sixty-four
years, and as many ancestors. Yes, in the _Café Royal_, at Berlin, I
once heard Monsieur Hans Michel Martens talking French, and understood
every word, though there was no understanding in it. We must know the
spirit of a language, and this is best learned by drumming. _Parbleu!_
how much do I not owe to the French Drummer who was so long quartered in
our house, who looked like a Devil, and yet had the heart of an angel,
and who drummed so excellently.
He was a little, nervous figure, with a terrible black moustache,
beneath which the red lips turned suddenly outwards, while his fiery
eyes glanced around.
I, a youngster, stuck to him like a burr, and helped him to rub his
military buttons like mirrors, and to pipe-clay his vest--for Monsieur
Le Grand liked to look well--and I followed him to the watch, to the
roll-call, to the parade--in those times there was nothing but the gleam
of weapons and merriment--_les jours de fête sont passés_! Monsieur Le
Grand knew only a little broken German, only the chief expressions--"Bread,"
"Kiss," "Honour"--but he could make himself very intelligible with his
drum. For instance, if I did not know what the word _liberté_ meant, he
drummed the _Marseillaise_--and I understood him. If I did not
understand the word _egalité_, he drummed the march, "_Ca ira_, ... _les
aristocrats à la lanterne!_" and I understood him. If I did not know
what _bêtise_ meant, he drummed the Dessauer March, which we Germans, as
Goethe also declares, have drummed in Champagne--and I understood him.
He once wanted to explain to me the word _l'Allemagne_, and he drummed
the all too simple primeval melody, which on market days is played to
dancing dogs--namely, _dum--dum--dum_.[7] I was vexed, but I understood
him.
In the same way he taught me modern history. I did not understand the
words, it is true, but as he constantly drummed while speaking, I knew
what he meant. At bottom this is the best method. The history of the
storming of the Bastille, of the Tuilleries, and the like, we understand
first when we know how the drumming was done. In our school compendiums
of history we merely read: "Their excellencies, the Baron and Count,
with the most noble spouses of the aforesaid, were beheaded. Their
highnesses the Dukes, and Princes, with the most noble spouses of the
aforesaid, were beheaded. His Majesty the King, with his most sublime
spouse, the Queen, was beheaded." But when you hear the red guillotine
march drummed, you understand it correctly, for the first time, and you
know the how and the why. Madame, that is indeed a wonderful march! It
thrilled through marrow and bone when I first heard it, and I was glad
that I forgot it. One forgets so much as one grows older, and a young
man has now-a-days so much other knowledge to keep in his head--whist,
Boston, genealogical tables, parliamentary data, dramaturgy, the
liturgy, carving--and yet, notwithstanding all jogging up of my brain, I
could not for a long time recall that tremendous tune! But, only think,
Madame! not long ago I sat at table with a whole menagerie of Counts,
Princes, Princesses, Chamberlains, Court-marshallesses, Seneschals,
Upper Court Mistresses, Court-keepers-of-the-royal-plate, Court-hunters'
wives, and whatever else these aristocratic domestics are termed, and
their under-domestics ran about behind their chairs and shoved full
plates before their mouths--but I, who was passed by and neglected, sat
without the least occupation for my jaws, and I kneaded little
bread-balls, and drummed for _ennui_ with my fingers--and, to my
astonishment, I suddenly drummed the red, long-forgotten guillotine
march!
"And what happened?" Madame, the good people were not disturbed in their
eating, nor did they know that other people, when they have nothing to
eat, suddenly begin to drum, and that, too, very queer marches, which
people thought long forgotten.
Is drumming, now, an inborn talent, or was it early developed in
me?--enough, it lies in my limbs, in my hands, in my feet, and often
manifests itself involuntarily. I once sat at Berlin in the lecture-room
of the Privy Councillor Schmaltz, a man who had saved the state by his
book on the "Red and Black Coat Danger."--You remember, perhaps, Madame,
out of Pausanias, that by the braying of an ass an equally dangerous
plot was once discovered, and you also know from Livy, or from Becker's
_History of the World_, that geese once saved the capitol, and you must
certainly know from Sallust that a loquacious _putain_, the Lady Livia,
brought the terrible conspiracy of Cataline to light. But to return to
the mutton aforesaid. I listened to international law in the
lecture-room of the Herr Privy Councillor Schmaltz, and it was a sleepy
summer afternoon, and I sat on the bench and heard less and less--my
head had gone to sleep--when all at once I was wakened by the noise of
my own feet, which had stayed awake, and had probably observed that the
exact opposite of international law and constitutional tendencies was
being preached, and my feet which, with the little eyes of their corns,
had seen more of how things go in the world than the Privy Councillor
with his Juno-eyes--these poor dumb feet, incapable of expressing their
immeasurable meaning by words, strove to make themselves intelligible by
drumming, and they drummed so loudly, that I thereby nearly came to
grief.
Cursed, unreflecting feet! They once played me a similar trick, when I
on a time in Göttengen sponged without subscribing on the lectures of
Professor Saalfeld, and as, with his angular activity, he jumped about
here and there in his pulpit, and heated himself in order to curse the
Emperor Napoleon in regular set style,--no, my poor feet, I cannot
blame you for drumming then; indeed, I would not have blamed you if in
your dumb naïveté you had expressed yourselves by still more energetic
movements. How could I, the scholar of Le Grand, hear the Emperor
cursed? The Emperor! the Emperor! the great Emperor!
When I think of the great Emperor, my thoughts again grow summer-green
and golden; a long avenue of lindens rises blooming around, on the leafy
twigs sit singing nightingales, the water-fall rustles, flowers are
growing from full round beds, dreamily nodding their fair heads--I was
once wondrously intimate with them; the rouged tulips, proud as beggars,
condescendingly greeted me, the nervous sick lilies nodded with
melancholy tenderness, the drunken red roses laughed at me from afar,
the night-violets sighed--with the myrtles and laurels I was not then
acquainted, for they did not entice with a shining bloom, but the
mignonette, with whom I now stand so badly, was very intimate. I am
speaking of the court garden of Düsseldorf, where I often lay upon the
bank, and piously listened while Monsieur Le Grand told of the warlike
feats of the great Emperor, beating meanwhile the marches which were
drummed during the deeds, so that I saw and heard all to the life. I saw
the passage over the Simplon--the Emperor in advance and his brave
grenadiers climbing on behind him, while the scream of frightened birds
of prey sounded around, and avalanches thundered in the distance--I saw
the Emperor with flag in hand on the bridge of Lodi--I saw the Emperor
in his grey cloak at Marengo--I saw the Emperor mounted in the battle of
the Pyramids--naught around save powder-smoke and Mamelukes--I saw the
Emperor in the battle of Austerlitz--ha! how the bullets whistled over
the smooth, icy road!--I saw, I heard the battle of Jena--_dum, dum,
dum_.--I saw, I heard the battles of Eylau, of Wagram---- ah, I could
hardly bear it! Monsieur Le Grand drummed so that the drums of my ears
nearly burst.