Though ever leading a life very much at variance with the established
discipline of the college, it was seldom that I was detected; but
about this time, though really living in far greater conformity to its
rules than usual, it was very hard upon me that I should now meet with
a surprising run of ill-luck.
At one time I had become ambitious of exercising the rites of
hospitality, which was the more patriotic on my part, as every article
of the repast had to be stolen. I had been led on to this expense by a
friend presenting me with three bottles of port, which, of course,
would need a few biscuits to accompany them; and then I thought of a
dessert, and at length ascended to the determination of giving a
downright supper.
The brace of partridges, then, and the moor-hen, I shot on the other
side of Dorney Common; the milk for the bread-sauce, came as usual
from the old black and white cow. The ale, bread, knives and forks, I
easily procured from my dame's own supper-table, just before she and
the rest of the boys entered the room.
An hour or two after all in the house had gone to bed, my two friends
and I had roasted our birds, and enjoyed probably such a meal as we
shall never again so much appreciate. Had each of us preferred the
partridges, the affair had not gone off so well; but, fortunately,
Tyrrel very aptly began to speculate on the virtues of the moor-hen,
informing us that it was undoubtedly the highly prized [Greek: ortux]
of the early Greeks, but kindly relinquishing his share of it, Kennedy
enjoyed the whole of it to himself; for, though I doubted not but that
the subject had been classically handled, I obstinately returned to my
old opinion relative to the difference between a partridge and a tough
old moor-hen. These, then, had been duly respected, and we were
sitting round the fire, with the second bottle of port looking rather
foolish in front of us, and were wondering at the cannons which were
then being fired on Windsor hill, when we were alarmed on hearing
somebody coming quickly up the stairs. Having blown out the candles,
and put the bottles into my drawer, we each jumped into our beds, but
were by no means pleased when the man-servant entered merely to awaken
and inform us, that Tim Cannon had won his fight of Josh Hudson, for
which great event the guns were then firing, and that, in the joy of
his heart, he had got up to claim an even bet of sixpence, which he
had made with Kennedy relative to the result.
Such an interruption, under such comfortable circumstances, was
enough to ruffle any one's temper; but I was still more distressed on
opening the drawer to take out the wine and renew our orgies to
discover, that either the cork had not been firmly fixed, or omitted
altogether, for there were my shirts and neckcloths almost floating
in good old port. At this instant, to add to my dissatisfaction, in
walked my dame! The cannons having disturbed her, she had heard the
never-to-be-sufficiently-confounded footman run up the stairs, and
arisen to ascertain the cause; when, guided by our voices, she now
joined our party, an uninvited and unwelcome guest. Indeed, we were
hopelessly committed, for getting up and lighting our candles and
fires in the middle of the night was a capital offence.
On my dame withdrawing herself, in a lamentable state of distress and
disapprobation of our misconduct, we instantly consulted as to what
was to be done to deter her from complaining of us to Keate. To assist
our councils, we summoned to our aid, "Fitty Willy," properly and
feelingly so called from his weakness for epilepsy; nevertheless, he
had ever shown great genius for getting into scrapes, and even still
greater for extricating himself from their baneful effects. He at once
decided, with all the assurance of an old stager, that our only hope
was to proceed next morning, in a body, to my dame, and state the
dreadful result, should she complain of us, and that we must express
the deepest contrition of our delinquency. This, then, the next day,
we had actually effected to all intents and purposes; and Kennedy was
winding up the business with all the fervour of Irish eloquence, when
I unfortunately burst into yells of laughter! This rendered his
declamation null and void, and he even gave up the point at once; when
my dame, writing a note, immediately dispatched it to head-quarters.
To this day do I feel remorse for my martyred fellow-sufferers; for,
on the morrow, never were they so punished, if I judge rightly from my
own feelings; we were compelled, moreover, to write out fifty lines of
Homer every day, for a month to come, and for these I had no "old
copies;" but I soon managed to get into another dilemma.
In a weak moment, I had agreed with Kennedy to sham ill and "stay
out," the equivalent for which is, as we are too unwell to go into
school, we are so, to be out of our houses, and when detected are
invariably flogged with extra severity. On these occasions, too, my
dame sends a certificate to the master, stating our respective
maladies. This time, having merely acquainted her that I felt
indisposed, it became incumbent on her to particularise the case, I
being totally ignorant of the complaint she was pleased to ascribe to
me. Kennedy's complaint was, that he had got a stomach-ach.
We had now before us a long day and a beautiful one besides, and we
decided that each should jump into a skiff, and scull to Cliveden,
many miles up the river. This we performed in a very satisfactory
manner, except that, on our return, just when we were opposite the
beautiful little village of Bray, resting on our oars, and responding
to each other the alternate verses of that aquatic air, now, I fear,
become obsolete, though so full of pathos:
"Oliver and his dear,
His dear and Oliver--
John Mogs and all his hogs,
His hogs and sweet John Mogs--
Agnes and her geese,
Her geese and sweet Agnes, &c."
I heard a voice close to me on the bank, which, by no means, chimed
with the chorus, and the well-known tones of which thrilled to my very
soul. There was my tutor, and I was recognised--Kennedy threw himself
on his face at the bottom of his boat, and floated away undetected.
This catastrophe, however, prevented us not from landing afterwards at
Surly Hall for our cigars and brandy-and-water, where it now became
Kennedy's turn to get into a scrape. Owing to the numerous and
vociferous applications of the claimants for refreshment, "Mother
Hall" is always prudently ensconced in her tap-room, to which the
means of communication was through a square hole in the door. On the
present occasion, Kennedy, in his impatience, had gone round to a
window in her rear. On this quarter she was entirely unguarded; and he
had got his head through, and was in the act of securing some
biscuits. At the moment, our landlady was absorbed in concocting a
bowl of punch; nevertheless, catching a glimpse of the outstretched
hand, she flew to the point of attack. Kennedy would have now
retreated, had not his ears wedged lightly between the bars, and his
head become immoveably fixed, and the next moment the choleric Mother
Hall was thumping him on the head with the lemon squeezer. His
eloquence, so effective on most occasions, now availed him nothing,
and he was seriously tortured. I think he was a little spirit-broken
besides, for it was ever after a tender subject with him.
Not having heard from my tutor that evening, I began fondly to hope
that, taking into consideration the extent of punishment consequent
on such a breach of discipline, he had kindly omitted to take any
further notice of the affair.
Neither of us having recovered from our indisposition, we were, of
course, "staying out" on the following day, which we had taken very
good care should be Friday. Instead, then, of being instructively
employed with the tasks of that dreadful day, I was comfortably seated
in my room, reading "Quentin Durward," when, alas! its beautiful
illusions were dissipated, and I awoke to the painful reality of
vulgar life, by being summoned to Keate, now occupied in the middle of
eleven o'clock school. Changing, then, my book, and putting my Horace
under my arm, I enjoyed the distinction of walking "alone in my
glory," up the middle of the school, to Keate's desk.
"Well, Graham, what do you want here?" demanded Keate, in his hurried
manner.
This forgetfulness, or perhaps ignorance, on his part, completely
disconcerted me; and not wishing to inform against myself, I held my
tongue, hoping that some unforeseen chance might yet favour my escape.
But the next moment, observing his choler to be rapidly on the
increase, I was conscious that this plan would be worse than useless.
"I am staying out, Sir," I at length hinted.
"Staying out, are you! Then you are unwell--yes, you look very ill
indeed; pray, what is the matter with you? Tyrrel!" he vociferated,
the next moment, "you had better bestow your attention on the place
before you in the book, and I will presently examine your knowledge
upon the subject--you seem to be very interested in the present one;
you're watching, I suppose, to see how your friend Graham can exert
his ingenuity in getting off.--Well, Graham?"
"I have taken physic, Sir?"
"Taken physic, have you! Pray, what was it?"
"A pill, Sir," I replied, not very confidently.
"Yes; and I suppose, no doubt, that you judged a quiet row up the
river would do you a little good--stay, afterwards--a flogging,
perhaps, will have a still better effect."
As luck would have it, I was never, on any occasion, so slightly
punished. Keate, though I never knew him to be guilty of an absent fit
before, entirely forgot for what he was flogging me, and gave me but
the average number. The laugh was certainly on my side, when, just as
I had completed my disarranged toilet, he discovered his error.
Neither of us could forbear smiling, and he congratulated me on my
good fortune.
The detection of my next peccadillo was not followed by such baneful
effects. They were now making at Windsor Theatre great preparations
for a night, which was to be graced with the presence of his Majesty,
who had also kindly condescended to order the tragedy of "Warwick" on
the occasion. I had amused myself by going up in the day-time to
witness the rehearsals, and otherwise examine into the economy of the
stage in general. I also made myself, without any evil intent at the
time, entirely conversant with the localities of the place. To draw a
full house, Mr. Betty, once the Young Roscius, had been engaged to
personate the Earl of Warwick, and admirably he sustained it, too.
During the performance, I had crept from the gallery--here always
appropriated to the Etonians--through a door which had been purposely
made not to appear such, into a place immediately over the stage.
Across this space stretch the enormous rollers on which the scenes are
wound, but in the recess where I now stood was stored a confused heap
of theatrical lumber, such as an enormous gilt lion, a dragon, a
collection of clouds, and other curiosities. At first I conjectured
that the effect below might be heightened by the dismissal of a few of
the clouds, but I feared lest they might dislocate a neck or two. A
similar result might have occurred had I cut the ropes of the front
scene. At length, I determined merely to launch an enormous dusty
carpet on Mr. Betty's devoted head below. Finding this to be far
beyond my single strength, I procured three assistants, and, at a
given signal, we simultaneously launched it forth.
At that moment the Young Roscius and another star were fascinating the
house, when our gigantic bundle, lodging for a moment between the
rollers, gradually squeezed through them, and the next, enveloping our
victims,
"Turned to groans their roundelay."
This occasioned an uproar throughout the house, and on regaining our
seats, "the King-maker" had crept from beneath the mass, leaving
Edward IV. still struggling under it: the former, with his moustache,
ermine cloak, and other appendages, in pitiable disorder, was now
haranguing the audience in the tone of a deeply-injured man. By what
means I never could divine, or even suspect, but Mr. Betty arrived at
the originator of the deed, and, to avoid more disastrous
consequences, I was obliged to call upon him the next day, and promise
never to do it again.