CHAPTER I.

Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Sankar Viswanathan, and the

Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net

THE PEACE EGG

AND OTHER TALES.

BY

JULIANA HORATIA EWING.

LONDON:

SOCIETY FOR PROMOTING CHRISTIAN KNOWLEDGE,

NORTHUMBERLAND AVENUE, W.C.

BRIGHTON: 129, NORTH STREET.

NEW YORK: E. & J. B. YOUNG & CO.

[Published under the direction of the General Literature Committee.]

* * * * *

CONTENTS.

THE PEACE EGG

A CHRISTMAS MUMMING PLAY

HINTS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS, I., II., III.

SNAP-DRAGONS

OLD FATHER CHRISTMAS

* * * * *

THE PEACE EGG.

THE PEACE EGG.

A CHRISTMAS TALE.

Every one ought to be happy at Christmas. But there are many things

which ought to be, and yet are not; and people are sometimes sad even

in the Christmas holidays.

The Captain and his wife were sad, though it was Christmas Eve. Sad,

though they were in the prime of life, blessed with good health,

devoted to each other and to their children, with competent means, a

comfortable house on a little freehold property of their own, and, one

might say, everything that heart could desire. Sad, though they were

good people, whose peace of mind had a firmer foundation than their

earthly goods alone; contented people, too, with plenty of occupation

for mind and body. Sad--and in the nursery this was held to be past

all reason--though the children were performing that ancient and most

entertaining Play or Christmas Mystery of Good St. George of England,

known as _The Peace Egg_, for their benefit and behoof alone.

The play was none the worse that most of the actors were too young to

learn parts, so that there was very little of the rather tedious

dialogue, only plenty of dress and ribbons, and of fighting with the

wooden swords. But though St. George looked bonny enough to warm any

father's heart, as he marched up and down with an air learned by

watching many a parade in barrack-square and drill-ground, and though

the Valiant Slasher did not cry in spite of falling hard and the

Doctor treading accidentally on his little finger in picking him up,

still the Captain and his wife sighed nearly as often as they smiled,

and the mother dropped tears as well as pennies into the cap which the

King of Egypt brought round after the performance.

THE CAPTAIN'S WIFE.

Many many years back the Captain's wife had been a child herself, and

had laughed to see the village mummers act the Peace Egg, and had been

quite happy on Christmas Eve. Happy, though she had no mother. Happy,

though her father was a stern man, very fond of his only child, but

with an obstinate will that not even she dared thwart. She had lived

to thwart it, and he had never forgiven her. It was when she married

the Captain. The old man had a prejudice against soldiers, which was

quite reason enough, in his opinion, for his daughter to sacrifice the

happiness of her future life by giving up the soldier she loved. At

last he gave her her choice between the Captain and his own favour and

money. She chose the Captain, and was disowned and disinherited.

The Captain bore a high character, and was a good and clever officer,

but that went for nothing against the old man's whim. He made a very

good husband too; but even this did not move his father-in-law, who

had never held any intercourse with him or his wife since the day of

their marriage, and who had never seen his own grandchildren. Though

not so bitterly prejudiced as the old father, the Captain's wife's

friends had their doubts about the marriage. The place was not a

military station, and they were quiet country folk who knew very

little about soldiers, whilst what they imagined was not altogether

favourable to "red-coats" as they called them. Soldiers are

well-looking generally, it is true (and the Captain was more than

well-looking--he was handsome); brave, of course it is their business

(and the Captain had V.C. after his name and several bits of ribbon

on his patrol jacket). But then, thought the good people, they are

here to-day and gone to-morrow, you "never know where you have them";

they are probably in debt, possibly married to several women in

several foreign countries, and, though they are very courteous in

society, who knows how they treat their wives when they drag them off

from their natural friends and protectors to distant lands where no

one can call them to account?

"Ah, poor thing!" said Mrs. John Bull, junior, as she took off her

husband's coat on his return from business, a week after the Captain's

wedding, "I wonder how she feels? There's no doubt the old man behaved

disgracefully; but it's a great risk marrying a soldier. It stands to

reason, military men aren't domestic; and I wish--Lucy Jane, fetch

your papa's slippers, quick!--she'd had the sense to settle down

comfortably amongst her friends with a man who would have taken care

of her."

"Officers are a wild set, I expect," said Mr. Bull, complacently, as

he stretched his limbs in his own particular arm-chair, into which no

member of his family ever intruded. "But the red-coats carry the day

with plenty of girls who ought to know better. You women are always

caught by a bit of finery. However, there's no use our bothering _our_

heads about it. As she has brewed she must bake."

The Captain's wife's baking was lighter and more palatable than her

friends believed. The Captain (who took off his own coat when he came

home, and never wore slippers but in his dressing-room) was domestic

enough. A selfish companion must, doubtless, be a great trial amid the

hardships of military life, but when a soldier is kind-hearted, he is

often a much more helpful and thoughtful and handy husband than any

equally well-meaning civilian. Amid the ups and downs of their

wanderings, the discomforts of shipboard and of stations in the

colonies, bad servants, and unwonted sicknesses, the Captain's

tenderness never failed. If the life was rough the Captain was ready.

He had been, by turns, in one strait or another, sick-nurse, doctor,

carpenter, nursemaid, and cook to his family, and had, moreover, an

idea that nobody filled these offices quite so well as himself.

Withal, his very profession kept him neat, well-dressed, and active.

In the roughest of their ever-changing quarters he was a smarter man,

more like the lover of his wife's young days, than Mr. Bull amid his

stationary comforts. Then if the Captain's wife was--as her friends

said--"never settled," she was also for ever entertained by new

scenes; and domestic mischances do not weigh very heavily on people

whose possessions are few and their intellectual interests many. It is

true that there were ladies in the Captain's regiment who passed by

sea and land from one quarter of the globe to another, amid strange

climates and customs, strange trees and flowers, beasts and birds,

from the glittering snows of North America to the orchids of the Cape,

from beautiful Pera to the lily-covered hills of Japan, and who in no

place rose above the fret of domestic worries, and had little to tell

on their return but of the universal misconduct of servants, from

Irish "helps" in the colonies, to _compradors_ and China-boys at

Shanghai. But it was not so with the Captain's wife. Moreover, one

becomes accustomed to one's fate, and she moved her whole

establishment from the Curragh to Corfu with less anxiety than that

felt by Mrs. Bull over a port-wine stain on the best table-cloth.

And yet, as years went and children came, the Captain and his wife

grew tired of travelling. New scenes were small comfort when they

heard of the death of old friends. One foot of murky English sky was

dearer, after all, than miles of the unclouded heavens of the South.

The grey hills and overgrown lanes of her old home haunted the

Captain's wife by night and day, and home-sickness (that weariest of

all sicknesses) began to take the light out of her eyes before their

time. It preyed upon the Captain too. Now and then he would say,

fretfully, "I _should_ like an English resting-place, however small,

before _every-_body is dead! But the children's prospects have to be

considered." The continued estrangement from the old man was an

abiding sorrow also, and they had hopes that, if only they could get

to England, he might be persuaded to peace and charity this time.

At last they were sent home. But the hard old father still would not

relent. He returned their letters unopened. This bitter disappointment

made the Captain's wife so ill that she almost died, and in one month

the Captain's hair became iron-grey. He reproached himself for having

ever taken the daughter from her father, "to kill her at last," as he

said. And (thinking of his own children) he even reproached himself

for having robbed the old widower of his only child. After two years

at home his regiment was ordered to India. He failed to effect an

exchange, and they prepared to move once more--from Chatham to

Calcutta. Never before had the packing, to which she was so well

accustomed, been so bitter a task to the Captain's wife.

It was at the darkest hour of this gloomy time that the Captain came

in, waving above his head a letter which changed all their plans.

Now close by the old home of the Captain's wife there had lived a man,

much older than herself, who yet had loved her with a devotion as

great as that of the young Captain. She never knew it, for when he

saw that she had given her heart to his younger rival, he kept

silence, and he never asked for what he knew he might have had--the

old man's authority in his favour. So generous was the affection which

he could never conquer, that he constantly tried to reconcile the

father to his children whilst he lived, and, when he died, he

bequeathed his house and small estate to the woman he had loved.

"It will be a legacy of peace," he thought, on his death-bed. "The old

man cannot hold out when she and her children are constantly in sight.

And it may please GOD that I shall know of the reunion I have not been

permitted to see with my eyes."

And thus it came about that the Captain's regiment went to India

without him, and that the Captain's wife and her father lived on

opposite sides of the same road.

MASTER ROBERT.

The eldest of the Captain's children was a boy. He was named Robert,

after his grandfather, and seemed to have inherited a good deal of the

old gentleman's character, mixed with gentler traits. He was a fair,

fine boy, tall and stout for his age, with the Captain's regular

features, and (he flattered himself) the Captain's firm step and

martial bearing. He was apt--like his grandfather--to hold his own

will to be other people's law, and (happily for the peace of the

nursery) this opinion was devoutly shared by his brother Nicholas.

Though the Captain had sold his commission, Robin continued to command

an irregular force of volunteers in the nursery, and never was colonel

more despotic. His brothers and sister were by turn infantry, cavalry,

engineers, and artillery, according to his whim, and when his

affections finally settled upon the Highlanders of "The Black Watch,"

no female power could compel him to keep his stockings above his

knees, or his knickerbockers below them.

The Captain alone was a match for his strong-willed son.

"If you please, sir," said Sarah, one morning, flouncing in upon the

Captain, just as he was about to start for the neighbouring town,--"if

you please, sir, I wish you'd speak to Master Robert. He's past my

powers."

"I've no doubt of it," thought the Captain, but he only said, "Well,

what's the matter?"

"Night after night do I put him to bed," said Sarah, "and night after

night does he get up as soon as I'm out of the room, and says he's

orderly officer for the evening, and goes about in his night-shirt,

and his feet as bare as boards."

The Captain fingered his heavy moustache to hide a smile, but he

listened patiently to Sarah's complaints.

"It ain't so much _him_ I should mind, sir," she continued, "but he

goes round the beds and wakes up the other young gentlemen and Miss

Dora, one after another, and when I speak to him, he gives me all the

sauce he can lay his tongue to, and says he's going round the guards.

The other night I tried to put him back in his bed, but he got away

and ran all over the house, me hunting him everywhere, and not a sign

of him, till he jumps out on me from the garret-stairs and nearly

knocks me down. 'I've visited the outposts, Sarah,' says he; 'all's

well,' And off he goes to bed as bold as brass."

"Have you spoken to your mistress?" asked the Captain.

"Yes, sir," said Sarah. "And missis spoke to him, and he promised not

to go round the guards again."

"Has he broken his promise?" asked the Captain, with a look of anger,

and also of surprise.

"When I opened the door last night, sir," continued Sarah, in her

shrill treble, "what should I see in the dark but Master Robert

a-walking up and down with the carpet-brush stuck in his arm. 'Who

goes there?' says he. 'You owdacious boy!' says I. 'Didn't you

promise your ma you'd leave off them tricks?' 'I'm not going round the

guards,' says he; 'I promised not. But I'm for sentry-duty to-night.'

And say what I would to him, all he had for me was, 'You mustn't speak

to a sentry on duty.' So I says, 'As sure as I live till morning, I'll

go to your pa,' for he pays no more attention to his ma than to me,

nor to any one else."

"Please to see that the chair-bed in my dressing-room is moved into

your mistress's bedroom," said the Captain. "I will attend to Master

Robert."

With this Sarah had to content herself, and she went back to the

nursery. Robert was nowhere to be seen, and made no reply to her

summons. On this the unwary nursemaid flounced into the bedroom to

look for him, when Robert, who was hidden beneath a table, darted

forth, and promptly locked her in.

"You're under arrest," he shouted, through the keyhole.

"Let me out!" shrieked Sarah.

"I'll send a file of the guard to fetch you to the orderly room, by

and by," said Robert, "for 'preferring frivolous complaints.'" And he

departed to the farmyard to look at the ducks.

That night, when Robert went up to bed, the Captain quietly locked him

into his dressing-room, from which the bed had been removed.

"You're for sentry-duty to-night," said the Captain. "The carpet-brush

is in the corner. Good-evening."

As his father anticipated, Robert was soon tired of the sentry game in

these new circumstances, and long before the night had half worn away

he wished himself safely undressed and in his own comfortable bed. At

half-past twelve o'clock he felt as if he could bear it no longer, and

knocked at the Captain's door.

"Who goes there?" said the Captain.

"Mayn't I go to bed, please?" whined poor Robert.

"Certainly not," said the Captain. "You're on duty."

And on duty poor Robert had to remain, for the Captain had a will as

well as his son. So he rolled himself up in his father's railway-rug,

and slept on the floor.

The next night he was very glad to go quietly to bed, and remain

there.

IN THE NURSERY.

The Captain's children sat at breakfast in a large, bright nursery. It

was the room where the old bachelor had died, and now _her_ children

made it merry. This was just what he would have wished.

They all sat round the table, for it was breakfast-time. There were

five of them, and five bowls of boiled bread-and-milk smoked before

them. Sarah (a foolish, gossiping girl, who acted as nurse till better

could be found) was waiting on them, and by the table sat Darkie, the

black retriever, his long, curly back swaying slightly from the

difficulty of holding himself up, and his solemn hazel eyes fixed very

intently on each and all of the breakfast bowls. He was as silent and

sagacious as Sarah was talkative and empty-headed. The expression of

his face was that of King Charles I. as painted by Vandyke. Though

large, he was unassuming. Pax, the pug, on the contrary, who came up

to the first joint of Darkie's leg, stood defiantly on his dignity

(and his short stumps). He always placed himself in front of the

bigger dog, and made a point of hustling him in doorways and of going

first down-stairs. He strutted like a beadle, and carried his tail

more tightly curled than a bishop's crook. He looked as one may

imagine the frog in the fable would have looked, had he been able to

swell himself rather nearer to the size of the ox. This was partly due

to his very prominent eyes, and partly to an obesity favoured by

habits of lying inside the fender, and of eating meals proportioned

more to his consequence than to his hunger. They were both favourites

of two years' standing, and had very nearly been given away, when the

good news came of an English home for the family, dogs and all.

Robert's tongue was seldom idle, even at meals. "Are you a

Yorkshirewoman, Sarah?" he asked, pausing, with his spoon full in his

hand.

"No, Master Robert," said Sarah.

"But you understand Yorkshire, don't you? I can't, very often; but

Mamma can, and can speak it, too. Papa says Mamma always talks

Yorkshire to servants and poor people. She used to talk Yorkshire to

Themistocles, Papa said, and he said it was no good; for though

Themistocles knew a lot of languages, he didn't know that. And Mamma

laughed, and said she didn't know she did."--"Themistocles was our

man-servant in Corfu," Robin added, in explanation. "He stole lots of

things, Themistocles did; but Papa found him out."

Robin now made a rapid attack on his bread-and-milk, after which he

broke out again.

"Sarah, who is that tall old gentleman at church, in the seat near the

pulpit? He wears a cloak like what the Blues wear, only all blue, and

is tall enough for a Lifeguardsman. He stood when we were kneeling

down, and said _Almighty and most merciful Father_ louder than

anybody."

Sarah knew who the old gentleman was, and knew also that the children

did not know, and that their parents did not see fit to tell them as

yet. But she had a passion for telling and hearing news, and would

rather gossip with a child than not gossip at all. "Never you mind,

Master Robin," she said, nodding sagaciously. "Little boys aren't to

know everything."

"Ah, then, I know you don't know," replied Robert; "if you did, you'd

tell. Nicholas, give some of your bread to Darkie and Pax. I've done

mine. _For what we have received, the Lord make us truly thankful._

Say your grace and put your chair away, and come along. I want to hold

a court-martial!" And seizing his own chair by the seat, Robin carried

it swiftly to its corner. As he passed Sarah, he observed tauntingly,

"You pretend to know, but you don't."

"I do," said Sarah.

"You don't," said Robin.

"Your ma's forbid you to contradict, Master Robin," said Sarah; "and

if you do I shall tell her. I know well enough who the old gentleman

is, and perhaps I might tell you, only you'd go straight off and tell

again."

"No, no, I wouldn't!" shouted Robin. "I can keep a secret, indeed I

can! Pinch my little finger, and try. Do, do tell me, Sarah, there's a

dear Sarah, and then I shall know you know." And he danced round her,

catching at her skirts.

To keep a secret was beyond Sarah's powers.

"Do let my dress be, Master Robin," she said, "you're ripping out all

the gathers, and listen while I whisper. As sure as you're a living

boy, that gentleman's your own grandpapa."

Robin lost his hold on Sarah's dress; his arms fell by his side, and

he stood with his brows knit for some minutes, thinking. Then he said,

emphatically, "What lies you do tell, Sarah!"

"Oh, Robin!" cried Nicholas, who had drawn near, his thick curls

standing stark with curiosity, "Mamma said 'lies' wasn't a proper

word, and you promised not to say it again."

"I forgot," said Robin. "I didn't mean to break my promise. But she

does tell--ahem! _you know what_."

"You wicked boy!" cried the enraged Sarah; "how dare you to say such a

thing! and everybody in the place knows he's your ma's own pa."

"I'll go and ask her," said Robin, and he was at the door in a moment;

but Sarah, alarmed by the thought of getting into a scrape herself,

caught him by the arm.

"Don't you go, love; it'll only make your ma angry. There; it was all

my nonsense."

"Then it's not true?" said Robin, indignantly. "What did you tell me

so for?"

"It was all my jokes and nonsense," said the unscrupulous Sarah. "But

your ma wouldn't like to know I've said such a thing. And Master

Robert wouldn't be so mean as to tell tales, would he, love?"

"I'm not mean," said Robin, stoutly; "and I don't tell tales; but you

do, and you tell _you know what_, besides. However, I won't go this

time; but I'll tell you what--if you tell tales of me to Papa any

more, I'll tell him what you said about the old gentleman in the blue

cloak." With which parting threat Robin strode, off to join his

brothers and sister.

Sarah's tale had put the court-martial out of his head, and he leaned

against the tall fender, gazing at his little sister, who was tenderly

nursing a well-worn doll. Robin sighed.

"What a long time that doll takes to wear out, Dora!" said he. "When

will it be done?"

"Oh, not yet, not yet!" cried Dora, clasping the doll to her, and

turning away. "She's quite good, yet."

"How miserly you are," said her brother; "and selfish, too; for you

know I can't have a military funeral till you'll let me bury that old

thing."

Dora began to cry.

"There you go, crying!" said Robin, impatiently. "Look here: I won't

take it till you get the new one on your birthday. You can't be so

mean as not to let me have it then!"

But Dora's tears still fell. "I love this one so much," she sobbed. "I

love her better than the new one."

"You want both; that's it," said Robin, angrily. "Dora, you're the

meanest girl I ever knew!"

At which unjust and painful accusation Dora threw herself and the doll

upon their faces, and wept bitterly. The eyes of the soft-hearted

Nicholas began to fill with tears, and he squatted down before her,

looking most dismal. He had a fellow-feeling for her attachment to an

old toy, and yet Robin's will was law to him.

"Couldn't we make a coffin, and pretend the body was inside?" he

suggested.

"No, we couldn't," said Robin. "I wouldn't play the Dead March after

an empty candle-box. It's a great shame--and I promised she should be

chaplain in one of my night-gowns, too."

"Perhaps you'll get just as fond of the new one," said Nicholas,

turning to Dora.

But Dora only cried, "No, no! He shall have the new one to bury, and

I'll keep my poor, dear, darling Betsy." And she clasped Betsy tighter

than before.

"That's the meanest thing you've said yet," retorted Robin; "for you

know Mamma wouldn't let me bury the new one." And, with an air of

great disgust, he quitted the nursery.

"A MUMMING WE WILL GO."

Nicholas had sore work to console his little sister, and Betsy's

prospects were in a very unfavourable state, when a diversion was

caused in her favour by a new whim which put the military funeral out

of Robin's head.

After he left the nursery he strolled out of doors, and, peeping

through the gate at the end of the drive, he saw a party of boys going

through what looked like a military exercise with sticks and a good

deal of stamping; but, instead of mere words of command, they all

spoke by turns, as in a play. In spite of their strong Yorkshire

accent, Robin overheard a good deal, and it sounded very fine. Not

being at all shy, he joined them, and asked so many questions that he

soon got to know all about it. They were practising a Christmas

mumming-play, called "The Peace Egg." Why it was called thus they

could not tell, as there was nothing whatever about eggs in it, and so

far from being a play of peace, it was made up of a series of battles

between certain valiant knights and princes, of whom St. George of

England was the chief and conqueror. The rehearsal being over, Robin

went with the boys to the sexton's house (he was father to the "King

of Egypt"), where they showed him the dresses they were to wear. These

were made of gay-coloured materials, and covered with ribbons, except

that of the "Black Prince of Paradine," which was black, as became his

title. The boys also showed him the book from which they learned their

parts, and which was to be bought for one penny at the post-office

shop.

"Then are you the mummers who come round at Christmas, and act in

people's kitchens, and people give them money, that Mamma used to tell

us about?" said Robin.

St. George of England looked at his companions as if for counsel as to

how far they might commit themselves, and then replied, with Yorkshire

caution, "Well, I suppose we are."

"And do you go out in the snow from one house to another at night? and

oh, don't you enjoy it?" cried Robin.

"We like it well enough," St. George admitted.

Robin bought a copy of "The Peace Egg." He was resolved to have a

nursery performance, and to act the part of St. George himself. The

others were willing for what he wished, but there were difficulties.

In the first place, there are eight characters in the play, and there

were only five children. They decided among themselves to leave out

the "Fool," and Mamma said that another character was not to be acted

by any of them, or indeed mentioned; "the little one who comes in at

the end," Robin explained. Mamma had her reasons, and these were

always good. She had not been altogether pleased that Robin had bought

the play. It was a very old thing, she said, and very queer; not

adapted for a child's play. If Mamma thought the parts not quite fit

for the children to learn, they found them much too long; so in the

end she picked out some bits for each, which they learned easily, and

which, with a good deal of fighting, made quite as good a story of it

as if they had done the whole. What may have been wanting otherwise

was made up for by the dresses, which were charming.

Robin was St. George, Nicholas the Valiant Slasher, Dora the Doctor,

and the other two Hector and the King of Egypt. "And now we've no

Black Prince!" cried Robin in dismay.

"Let Darkie be the Black Prince," said Nicholas. "When you wave your

stick he'll jump for it, and then you can pretend to fight with him."

"It's not a stick, it's a sword," said Robin. "However, Darkie may be

the Black Prince."

"And what's Pax to be?" asked Dora; "for you know he will come if

Darkie does, and he'll run in before everybody else too."

"Then he must be the Fool," said Robin, "and it will do very well, for

the Fool comes in before the rest, and Pax can have his red coat on,

and the collar with the little bells."

CHRISTMAS EVE.

Robin thought that Christmas would never come. To the Captain and his

wife it seemed to come too fast. They had hoped it might bring

reconciliation with the old man, but it seemed they had hoped in vain.

There were times now when the Captain almost regretted the old

bachelor's bequest. The familiar scenes of her old home sharpened his

wife's grief. To see her father every Sunday in church, with marks of

age and infirmity upon him, but with not a look of tenderness for his

only child, this tried her sorely.

"She felt it less abroad," thought the Captain. "An English home in

which she frets herself to death is, after all, no great boon."

Christmas Eve came.

"I'm sure it's quite Christmas enough now," said Robin. "We'll have

'The Peace Egg' to-night."

So as the Captain and his wife sat sadly over their fire, the door

opened, and Pax ran in shaking his bells, and followed by the nursery

mummers. The performance was most successful. It was by no means

pathetic, and yet, as has been said, the Captain's wife shed tears.

"What is the matter, Mamma?" said St. George, abruptly dropping his

sword and running up to her.

"Don't tease Mamma with questions," said the Captain; "she is not very

well, and rather sad. We must all be very kind and good to poor dear

Mamma;" and the Captain raised his wife's hand to his lips as he

spoke. Robin seized the other hand and kissed it tenderly. He was very

fond of his mother. At this moment Pax took a little run, and jumped

on to Mamma's lap, where, sitting facing the company, he opened his

black mouth and yawned, with a ludicrous inappropriateness worthy of

any clown. It made everybody laugh.

"And now we'll go and act in the kitchen," said Nicholas.

"Supper at nine o'clock, remember," shouted the Captain. "And we are

going to have real frumenty and Yule cakes, such as Mamma used to tell

us of when we were abroad."

"Hurray!" shouted the mummers, and they ran off, Pax leaping from his

seat just in time to hustle the Black Prince in the doorway. When the

dining-room door was shut, St. George raised his hand, and said

"Hush!"

The mummers pricked their ears, but there was only a distant harsh and

scraping sound, as of stones rubbed together.

"They're cleaning the passages," St. George went on, "and Sarah told

me they meant to finish the mistletoe, and have everything cleaned up

by supper-time. They don't want us, I know. Look here, we'll go _real

mumming_ instead. That _will_ be fun!"

The Valiant Slasher grinned with delight.

"But will mamma let us?" he inquired.

"Oh, it will be all right if we're back by supper-time," said St.

George, hastily. "Only of course we must take care not to catch cold.

Come and help me to get some wraps."

The old oak chest in which spare shawls, rugs, and coats were kept was

soon ransacked, and the mummers' gay dresses hidden by motley

wrappers. But no sooner did Darkie and Pax behold the coats, &c., than

they at once began to leap and bark, as it was their custom to do when

they saw any one dressing to go out. Robin was sorely afraid that this

would betray them; but though the Captain and his wife heard the

barking they did not guess the cause.

So the front door being very gently opened and closed, the nursery

mummers stole away.

THE NURSERY MUMMERS AND THE OLD MAN.

It was a very fine night. The snow was well trodden on the drive, so

that it did not wet their feet, but on the trees and shrubs it hung

soft and white.

"It's much jollier being out at night than in the daytime," said

Robin.

"Much," responded Nicholas, with intense feeling.

"We'll go a wassailing next week," said Robin. "I know all about it,

and perhaps we shall get a good lot of money, and then we'll buy tin

swords with scabbards for next year. I don't like these sticks. Oh,

dear, I wish it wasn't so long between one Christmas and another."

"Where shall we go first?" asked Nicholas, as they turned into the

high-road. But before Robin could reply, Dora clung to Nicholas,

crying, "Oh, look at those men!"

The boys looked up the road, down which three men were coming in a

very unsteady fashion, and shouting as they rolled from side to side.

"They're drunk," said Nicholas; "and they're shouting at us."

"Oh, run, run!" cried Dora; and down the road they ran, the men

shouting and following them. They had not run far, when Hector caught

his foot in the Captain's great-coat, which he was wearing, and came

down headlong in the road. They were close by a gate, and when

Nicholas had set Hector upon his legs, St. George hastily opened it.

"This is the first house," he said. "We'll act here;" and all, even

the Valiant Slasher, pressed in as quickly as possible. Once safe

within the grounds, they shouldered their sticks, and resumed their

composure.

"You're going to the front door," said Nicholas, "Mummers ought to go

to the back."

"We don't know where it is," said Robin, and he rang the front-door

bell. There was a pause. Then lights shone, steps were heard, and at

last a sound of much unbarring, unbolting, and unlocking. It might

have been a prison. Then the door was opened by an elderly,

timid-looking woman, who held a tallow candle above her head.

"Who's there," she said, "at this time of night?"

"We're Christmas mummers," said Robin, stoutly; "we don't know the way

to the back door, but--"

"And don't you know better than to come here?" said the woman. "Be off

with you, as fast as you can."

"You're only the servant," said Robin. "Go and ask your master and

mistress if they wouldn't like to see us act. We do it very well."

"You impudent boy, be off with you!" repeated the woman. "Master'd no

more let you nor any other such rubbish set foot in this house--"

"Woman!" shouted a voice close behind her, which made her start as if

she had been shot, "who authorizes you to say what your master will or

will not do, before you've asked him? The boy is right. You _are_ the

servant, and it is not your business to choose for me whom I shall or

shall not see."

"I meant no harm, sir, I'm sure," said the housekeeper; "but I thought

you'd never--"

"My good woman," said her master, "if I had wanted somebody to think

for me, you're the last person I should have employed. I hire you to

obey orders, not to think."

"I'm sure, sir," said the housekeeper, whose only form of argument was

reiteration, "I never thought you would have seen them--"

"Then you were wrong," shouted her master. "I will see them. Bring

them in."

He was a tall, gaunt old man, and Robin stared at him for some

minutes, wondering where he could have seen somebody very like him. At

last he remembered. It was the old gentleman of the blue cloak.

The children threw off their wraps, the housekeeper helping them, and

chattering ceaselessly, from sheer nervousness.

"Well, to be sure," said she, "their dresses are pretty too. And they

seem quite a better sort of children, they talk quite genteel. I might

ha' knowed they weren't like common mummers, but I was so flusterated

hearing the bell go so late, and--"

"Are they ready?" said the old man, who had stood like a ghost in the

dim light of the flaring tallow candle, grimly watching the

proceedings.

"Yes, sir. Shall I take them to the kitchen, sir?"

"--for you and the other idle hussies to gape and grin at? No. Bring

them to the library," he snapped, and then stalked off, leading the

way.

The housekeeper accordingly led them to the library, and then

withdrew, nearly falling on her face as she left the room by stumbling

over Darkie, who slipped in last like a black shadow.

The old man was seated in a carved oak chair by the fire.

"I never said the dogs were to come in," he said.

"But we can't do without them, please," said Robin, boldly. "You see

there are eight people in 'The Peace Egg,' and there are only five of

us; and so Darkie has to be the Black Prince, and Pax has to be the

Fool, and so we have to have them."

"Five and two make seven," said the old man, with a grim smile; "what

do you do for the eighth?"

"Oh, that's the little one at the end," said Robin, confidentially.

"Mamma said we weren't to mention him, but I think that's because

we're children.--You're grown up, you know, so I'll show you the book,

and you can see for yourself," he went on, drawing "The Peace Egg"

from his pocket: "there, that's the picture of him, on the last page;

black, with horns and a tail."

The old man's stern face relaxed into a broad smile as he examined the

grotesque woodcut; but when he turned to the first page the smile

vanished in a deep frown, and his eyes shone like hot coals with

anger. He had seen Robin's name.

"Who sent you here?" he asked, in a hoarse voice. "Speak, and speak

the truth! Did your mother send you here?"

Robin thought the old man was angry with them for playing truant. He

said, slowly, "N--no. She didn't exactly send us; but I don't think

she'll mind our having come if we get back in time for supper. Mamma

never _forbid_ our going mumming, you know."

"I don't suppose she ever thought of it," Nicholas said, candidly,

wagging his curly head from side to side.

"She knows we're mummers," said Robin, "for she helped us. When we

were abroad, you know, she used to tell us about the mummers acting

at Christmas, when she was a little girl; and so we thought we'd be

mummers, and so we acted to Papa and Mamma, and so we thought we'd act

to the maids, but they were cleaning the passages, and so we thought

we'd really go mumming; and we've got several other houses to go to

before supper-time; we'd better begin, I think," said Robin; and

without more ado he began to march round and round, raising his sword

and shouting--

"I am St. George, who from Old England sprung,

My famous name throughout the world hath rung."

And the performance went off quite as creditably as before.

As the children acted the old man's anger wore off. He watched them

with an interest he could not repress. When Nicholas took some hard

thwacks from St. George without flinching, the old man clapped his

hands; and, after the encounter between St. George and the Black

Prince, he said he would not have had the dogs excluded on any

consideration. It was just at the end, when they were all marching

round and round, holding on by each other's swords "over the

shoulder," and singing "A mumming we will go," &c., that Nicholas

suddenly brought the circle to a standstill by stopping dead short,

and staring up at the wall before him.

"What _are_ you stopping for?" said St. George, turning indignantly

round.

"Look there!" cried Nicholas, pointing to a little painting which hung

above the old man's head.

Robin looked, and said, abruptly, "It's Dora."

"Which is Dora?" asked the old man, in a strange, sharp tone.

"Here she is," said Robin and Nicholas in one breath, as they dragged

her forward.

"She's the Doctor," said Robin; "and you can't see her face for her

things. Dor, take off your cap and pull back that hood. There! Oh, it

_is_ like her!"

It was a portrait of her mother as a child; but of this the nursery

mummers knew nothing. The old man looked as the peaked cap and hood

fell away from Dora's face and fair curls, and then he uttered a sharp

cry, and buried his head upon his hands. The boys stood stupefied, but

Dora ran up to him, and putting her little hands on his arms, said, in

childish pitying tones, "Oh, I am so sorry! Have you got a headache?

May Robin put the shovel in the fire for you? Mamma has hot shovels

for her headaches." And, though the old man did not speak or move, she

went on coaxing him, and stroking his head, on which the hair was

white. At this moment Pax took one of his unexpected runs, and jumped

on to the old man's knee, in his own particular fashion, and then

yawned at the company. The old man was startled, and lifted his face

suddenly. It was wet with tears.

"Why, you're crying!" exclaimed the children, with one breath.

"It's very odd," said Robin, fretfully. "I can't think what's the

matter to-night. Mamma was crying too when we were acting, and Papa

said we weren't to tease her with questions, and he kissed her hand,

and I kissed her hand too. And Papa said we must all be very good and

kind to poor dear Mamma, and so I mean to be, she's so good. And I

think we'd better go home, or perhaps she'll be frightened," Robin

added.

"She's so good, is she?" asked the old man. He had put Pax off his

knee, and taken Dora on to it.

"Oh, isn't she!" said Nicholas, swaying his curly head from side to

side as usual.

"She's always good," said Robin, emphatically; "and so's Papa. But I'm

always doing something I oughtn't to," he added, slowly. "But then,

you know, I don't pretend to obey Sarah. I don't care a fig for Sarah;

and I won't obey any woman but Mamma."

"Who's Sarah?" asked the grandfather.

"She's our nurse," said Robin, "and she tells--I mustn't say what she

tells--but it's not the truth. She told one about _you_ the other

day," he added.

"About me?" said the old man.

"She said you were our grandpapa. So then I knew she was telling _you

know what_."

"How did you know it wasn't true?" the old man asked.

"Why, of course," said Robin, "if you were our Mamma's father, you'd

know her, and be very fond of her, and come and see her. And then

you'd be our grandfather, too, and you'd have us to see you, and

perhaps give us Christmas-boxes. I wish you were," Robin added with a

sigh. "It would be very nice."

"Would _you_ like it?" asked the old man of Dora.

And Dora, who was half asleep and very comfortable, put her little

arms about his neck as she was wont to put them round the Captain's,

and said, "Very much."

He put her down at last, very tenderly, almost unwillingly, and left

the children alone. By and by he returned, dressed in the blue cloak,

and took Dora up again.

"I will see you home," he said.

The children had not been missed. The clock had only just struck nine

when there came a knock on the door of the dining-room, where the

Captain and his wife still sat by the Yule log. She said "Come in,"

wearily, thinking it was the frumenty and the Christmas cakes.

But it was her father, with her child in his arms!

PEACE AND GOODWILL.

Lucy Jane Bull and her sisters were quite old enough to understand a

good deal of grown-up conversation when they overheard it. Thus, when

a friend of Mrs. Bull's observed during an afternoon call that she

believed that "officers' wives were very dressy," the young ladies

were at once resolved to keep a sharp look-out for the Captain's

wife's bonnet in church on Christmas Day.

The Bulls had just taken their seats when the Captain's wife came in.

They really would have hid their faces, and looked at the bonnet

afterwards, but for the startling sight that met the gaze of the

congregation. The old grandfather walked into church abreast of the

Captain.

"They've met in the porch," whispered Mr. Bull, under the shelter of

his hat.

"They can't quarrel publicly in a place of worship," said Mrs. Bull,

turning pale.

"She's gone into his seat," cried Lucy Jane in a shrill whisper.

"And the children after her," added the other sister, incautiously

aloud.

There was now no doubt about the matter. The old man in his blue cloak

stood for a few moments politely disputing the question of precedence

with his handsome son-in-law. Then the Captain bowed and passed in,

and the old man followed him.

By the time that the service was ended everybody knew of the happy

peacemaking, and was glad. One old friend after another came up with

blessings and good wishes. This was a proper Christmas, indeed, they

said. There was a general rejoicing.

But only the grandfather and his children knew that it was hatched

from "The Peace Egg."

A CHRISTMAS MUMMING PLAY.

A CHRISTMAS MUMMING PLAY.

INTRODUCTION.

Since a little story of mine called "The Peace Egg" appeared in _Aunt

Judy's Magazine_, I have again and again been asked where the Mumming

Play could be found which gave its name to my tale, and if real

children could act it, as did the fancy children of my story.

As it stands, this old Christmas Mumming Play (which seems to have

borrowed the name of an Easter Entertainment or Pasque Egg) is not fit

for domestic performance; and though probably there are few nurseries

in those parts of England where "mumming" and the sword-dance still

linger, in which the children do not play some version of St. George's

exploits, a little of the dialogue goes a long way, and the mummery

(which must almost be seen to be imitated) is the chief matter.

In fact, the mummery _is_ the chief matter--which is what makes the

play so attractive to children, and, it may be added, so suitable for

their performance. In its rudeness, its simplicity, its fancy

dressing, the rapid action of the plot, and last, but not least, its

_bludginess_--that quality which made the history of Goliath so dear

to the youngest of Helen's Babies!--it is adapted for nursery

amusement, as the Drama of Punch and Judy is, and for similar reasons.

For some little time past I have purposed to try and blend the various

versions of "Peace Egg" into one Mummery for the nursery, with as

little change of the old rhymes as might be. I have been again urged

to do so this Christmas, and though I have not been able to give so

much time or research to it as I should have liked, I have thought it

better to do it without further delay, even if somewhat imperfectly.

To shuffle the characters and vary the text is nothing new in the

history of these "Mock Plays," as they were sometimes called.

They are probably of very ancient origin--"Pagan, I regret to say," as

Mr. Pecksniff observed in reference to the sirens--and go back to "the

heathen custom of going about on the Kalends of January in disguises,

as wild beasts and cattle, the sexes changing apparel," (There is a

relic of this last unseemly custom still in "The Old Tup" and "The Old

Horse"; when these are performed by both girls and boys, the latter

wear skirts and bonnets, the former hats and great-coats; this is also

the case in Scotland where the boys and girls go round at Hogmanay.)

In the 12th century the clergy introduced miracle plays and Scripture

histories to rival the performances of the strolling players, which

had become very gross. They became as popular as beneficial, and

London was famous for them. Different places, and even trade-guilds

and schools, had their differing "mysteries."

Secular plays continued, and the two seem occasionally to have got

mixed. Into one of the oldest of old plays, "St. George and the

Dragon," the Crusaders and Pilgrims introduced the Eastern characters

who still remain there. This is the foundation of "The Peace Egg."

About the middle of the 15th century, plays, which, not quite

religious, still witnessed to the effect of the religious plays in

raising the standard of public taste, appeared under the name of

"Morals," or "Moralities."

Christmas plays, masques, pageants, and the like were largely

patronized by the Tudor sovereigns, and the fashion set by the Court

was followed in the country. Queen Elizabeth was not only devoted to

the drama, and herself performed, but she was very critical and

exacting; and the high demand which she did so much to stimulate, was

followed by such supply as was given by the surpassing dramatic

genius of the Elizabethan age of literature. Later, Ben Jonson and

Inigo Jones combined to produce the Court masks, one of which,--the

well-known "Mask of Christmas," had for chief characters, Christmas

and his children, Misrule, Carol, Mince Pie, Gambol, Post and Pair,

New Year's Gift, Mumming, Wassel, Offering, and Baby's Cake. In the

17th century the Christmas Mummeries of the Inns of Court were

conducted with great magnificence and at large cost.

All such entertainments were severely suppressed during the

Commonwealth, at which time the words "Welcome, or not welcome, I am

come," were introduced into Father Christmas's part.

At one time the Jester of the piece (he is sometimes called the

Jester, and sometimes the Fool, or the Old Fool) used to wear a calf's

hide. Robin Goodfellow says, "I'll go put on my devilish robes--I mean

my Christmas calf's-skin suit--and then walk to the woods." "I'll put

me on my great carnation nose, and wrap me in a rousing calf-skin

suit, and come like some hobgoblin." And a character of the 18th

century "clears the way" with--

"My name is Captain Calftail, Calftail--

And on my back it is plain to be seen,

Although I am simple and wear a fool's cap,

I am dearly beloved of a queen--"

which looks as if Titania had found her way into that mummery!

"The Hobby Horse's" costume was a horse's hide, real or imitated. I

have no copy of a Christmas Play in which the Hobby Horse appears. In

the north of England, "The Old Horse" and "The Old Tup" are the

respective heroes of their own peculiar mummeries, generally performed

by a younger, or perhaps a rougher, set of lads than those who play

the more elegant mysteries of St. George. The boy who acts "Old Tup"

has a ram's head impaled upon a short pole, which he grasps and uses

as a sort of wooden leg in front of him. He needs some extra support,

his back being bent as If for leap-frog, and covered with an old rug

(in days when "meat" was cheaper it was probably a hide). The hollow

sound of his peg-leg upon the "flags" of the stone passages and

kitchen floor, and the yearly test of courage supplied by the rude

familiarities of his gruesome head as he charged and dispersed maids

and children, amid shrieks and laughter, are probably familiar

memories of all Yorkshire, Lancashire, and Derbyshire childhoods. I do

not know if the Old Horse and the Old Tup belong to other parts of the

British Isles. It is a rude and somewhat vulgar performance,

especially if undertaken by older revellers, when the men wear skirts

and bonnets, and the women don great-coats and hats--the Fool, the

Doctor, and a darker character with a besom, are often of the party,

but the Knights of Christendom and the Eastern Potentates take no

share in these proceedings, which are oftenest and most inoffensively

performed by little boys not yet promoted to be "mummers." It is,

however, essential that one of them should have a good voice, true and

tuneful enough to sing a long ballad, and lead the chorus.

In the scale of contributions to the numerous itinerant Christmas

Boxes of Christmas week--such as the Ringers, the Waits, the Brass

Band, the Hand-bells, the Mummers (Peace Egg), the Superior Mummers,

who do more intricate sword-play (and in the North Riding are called

Morris Dancers), &c. &c., the Old Tup stands low down on the list. I

never heard the Rhymes of the Old Horse; they cannot be the same.

These diversions are very strictly localized and handed on by word of

mouth.

Of the best version of "Peace Egg" which I have seen performed, I have

as yet quite vainly endeavoured to get any part transcribed. It is

oral tradition. It is practised for some weeks beforehand, and the

costumes, including wonderful head-dresses about the size of the

plumed bonnet of a Highlander in full-dress, are carefully preserved

from year to year. These paste-board erections are covered with

flowers, feathers, bugles, and coloured streamers. The dresses are of

coloured calico, with ribbons everywhere; "points" to the breeches and

hose, shoulder-knots and sashes.

But, as a rough rule, it is one of the conveniences of mumming play,

that the finery may be according to the taste and the resources of the

company.

The swords are of steel, and those I have seen are short. In some

places I believe rapiers are used. I am very sorry to be unable to

give proper directions for the sword-play, which is so pretty. I have

only one version in which such directions are given. I have copied the

"Grand Sword Dance" in its proper place for the benefit of those who

can interpret it. It is not easy to explain in writing even so much of

it as I know. Each combat consists of the same number of cuts, to the

best of my remembrance, and the "shoulder cuts" (which look very like

two persons sharpening two knives as close as possible to each other's

nose!) are in double time, twice as quick as the others. The stage

directions are as follows:--

A. and B. fight

Cut I ... ... Crossing each other.

(They change places, striking as they pass.)

Cut 2 ... ... " " back.

Cut 3 ... ... " " other.

Cut 4 ... ... " " back.

Four shoulder cuts.

A. loses his sword and falls.

But I do not think the version from which this is an extract is at all

an elaborate one. There ought to be a "Triumph," with an archway of

swords, in the style of Sir Roger de Coverley. After the passing and

repassing strokes, there is usually much more hand-to-hand fighting,

then four shoulder cuts, and some are aimed high and some down among

their ankles, in a way which would probably be quite clear to any one

trained in broadsword exercise.

The following Christmas Mumming Play is compiled from five

versions--the "Peace Egg," the "Wassail Cup," "Alexander the Great,"

"A Mock Play," and the "Silverton Mummer's Play" (Devon), which has

been lent to me in manuscript.

The Mumming Chorus, "And a mumming we will go," &c., is not in any one

of these versions, but I never saw mumming without it.

The Silverton version is an extreme example of the continuous

development of these unwritten dramas. Generation after generation,

the most incongruous characters have been added. In some cases this is

a very striking testimony to the strength of rural sympathy with the

great deeds and heroes of the time, as well as to native talent for

dramatic composition.

Wellington and Wolfe almost eclipsed St. George in some parts of

England, and the sea Heroes are naturally popular in Devonshire. The

death of Nelson in the Silverton play has fine dramatic touches.

Though he "has but one arm and a good one too," he essays to

fight--whether Tippo Saib or St. George is not made clear. He falls,

and St. George calls for the Doctor in the usual words. The Doctor

ends his peculiar harangue with: "Britons! our Nelson is dead." To

which a voice, which seems to play the part of Greek chorus,

responds--"But he is not with the dead, but in the arms of the Living

God!" Then, enter Collingwood--

"_Collingwood_--Here comes I, bold Collingwood,

Who fought the French and boldly stood;

And now the life of that bold Briton's gone,

I'll put the crown of victory on"--

with which--"he takes the crown off Nelson's head and puts it on his

own."

I have, however, confined myself in "The Peace Egg" to those

characters which have the warrant of considerable antiquity, and their

number is not small. They can easily be reduced by cutting out one or

two; or some of the minor characters could play more than one part, by

making real exits and changing the dress, instead of the conventional

exit into the background of the group.

Some of these minor characters are not the least charming. The fair

Sabra (who is often a mute) should be the youngest and prettiest

little maid that can toddle through her part, and no old family

brocade can be too gorgeous for her. The Pretty Page is another part

for a "very little one," and his velvets and laces should become him.

They contrast delightfully with Dame Dolly and Little Man Jack, and

might, if needful, be played by the same performers.

I have cut out everything that could possibly offend, except the

line--"Take him and give him to the flies." It betrays an experience

of Asiatic battlefields so terribly real, that I was unwilling to

abolish this unconscious witness to the influence of Pilgrims and

Crusaders on the Peace Egg. It is easily omitted.

I have dismissed the Lord of Flies, Beelzebub, and (with some

reluctance) "Little Devil Doubt" and his besom. I had a mind to have

retained him as "The Demon of Doubt," for he plays in far higher

dramas. His besom also seems to come from the East, where a figure

"sweeping everything out" with a broom is the first vision produced in

the crystal or liquid in the palm of a medium by the magicians of

Egypt.

Those who wish to do so can admit him at the very end, after the sword

dance, very black, and with a besom, a money-box, and the following

doggrel:

In come I, the Demon of Doubt,

If you don't give me money I'll sweep you all out;

Money I want and money I crave,

Money I want and money I'll have.

He is not a taking character--unless to the antiquary! I have

substituted the last line for the less decorous original, "If you

don't give me money, I'll sweep you all to the grave."

It is perhaps only the antiquary who will detect the connection

between the Milk Pail and the Wassail Cup in the Fool's Song. But it

seems at one time to have been made of milk. In a play of the 16th

century it is described as--

"Wassayle, wassayle, out of the mylke payle;

Wassayle, wassayle, as white as my nayle,"

and Selden calls it "a slabby stuff," which sounds as if it had got

mixed up with frumenty.

Since the above went to press, I have received some extracts from the

unwritten version of "Peace Egg" in the West Riding of Yorkshire to

which I have alluded. They recall to me that the piece properly opens

with a "mumming round," different to the one I have given, _that_ one

belonging to the end. The first Mumming Song rehearses each character

and his exploits. The hero of the verse which describes him singing

(autobiographically!) his own doughty deeds in the third person. Thus

St. George begins; I give it in the vernacular.

"The first to coom in is the Champion bould,

The Champion bould is he,

He never fought battle i' all his loife toim,

But he made his bould enemy flee, flee, flee,

He made his bould enemy flee."

The beauty of this song is the precision with which each character

enters and joins the slowly increasing circle. But that is its only

merit. It is wretched doggrel, and would make the play far too

tedious. I was, however, interested by this verse:--

The next to come in is the Cat and Calftail,

The Cat and Calftail is he;

He'll beg and he'll borrow, and he'll steal all he can,

But he'll never pay back one penny, penny,

He'll never pay back one penny.

Whether "Cat and Calftail" is a corruption of Captain Calftail or

(more likely) Captain Calftail was evolved from a Fool in Calf's hide

and Cat's skins, it is hard to say. They are evidently one and the

same shabby personage!

The song which I have placed at the head of the Peace Egg Play has

other verses which also recite "the argument" of the piece, but not

one is worth recording. A third song does not, I feel sure, belong to

the classic versions, but to another "rude and vulgar" one, which I

have not seen for some years, and which was played in a dialect dark,

even to those who flattered themselves that they were to the manner

born. In it St. George and the Old Fool wrangle, the O.F. accusing the

Patron Saint of England of stealing clothes hung out to dry on the

hedges. St. George, who has previously boasted--

I've travelled this world all round,

And hope to do it again,

I was once put out of my way

By a hundred and forty men--

--indignantly denies the theft, and adds that, on the contrary, he has

always sent home money to his old mother. To which the Old Fool

contemptuously responds--

All the relations thou had were few,

Thou had an Old Granny I knew,

She went a red-cabbage selling,

As a many old people do.

In either this, or another, rough version, the hero (presumably St.

George) takes counsel with Man Jack on his love affairs. Man Jack is

played by a small boy in a very tall beaver hat, and with his face

blacked.

"My Man Jack, what can the matter be?

That I should luv this lady, and she will not luv me."

ST. GEORGE and MAN JACK.

No, nor nayther will she walk {with me

{with thee.

No, nor nayther will she talk {with me

{with thee.

But the true "Peace Egg," if _bludgy_, is essentially a heroic play,

and I think the readers of _Aunt Judy's Magazine_ will be content that

I have omitted accretions which are not the less vulgar because they

are old.

In refining and welding the piece together, I have introduced thirty

lines of my own, in various places. The rest is genuine.

J. H. E.

THE PEACE EGG.

A CHRISTMAS MUMMING PLAY.

_Written expressly for all Mummers, to commemorate the Holy Wars, and

the happy Festival of Christmas._

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.

ST. GEORGE OF ENGLAND (_he must wear a rose_).

ST. ANDREW OF SCOTLAND(_he must wear a thistle_).

ST. PATRICK OF IRELAND(_he must wear the shamrock_).

ST. DAVID OF WALES(_he must wear a leek_).

SALADIN, A PAGAN GIANT OF PALESTINE(_a very tall grown-up

actor would be effective_).

THE KING OF EGYPT(_in a turban and crown_).

THE PRINCE OF PARADINE, HIS SON(_face blacked, and it is_

"tradition" _to play this part in weeds, as if he were Hamlet_).

THE TURKISH KNIGHT(_Eastern costume_).

HECTOR.

THE VALIANT SLASHER (_old yeomanry coat, &c., is effective_).

THE DRAGON(_a paste-board head, with horrid jaws, if possible.

A tail, and paws with claws_).

THE FOOL(_Motley: with a bauble long enough to put over his shoulder

and be held by the one behind in the mumming circle_).

OLD FATHER CHRISTMAS(_white beard, &c., and a staff_).

THE DOCTOR(_wig, spectacles, hat and cane_).

THE LITTLE PAGE(_pretty little boy in velvet, &c_.).

LITTLE MAN JACK(_big mask head, if convenient, short cloak

and club_).

PRINCESS SABRA(_pretty little girl, gorgeously dressed, a crown_).

DAME DOLLY(_a large mask head, if possible, and a very amazing

cap. Dame Dolly should bob curtseys and dance about_).

No scenery is required. The actors, as a rule, all come in together.

To "enter" means to stand forth, and "exit" that the actor retires

into the background. But the following method will be found most

effective. Let Fool enter alone, and the rest come in one by one when

the Fool begins to sing. They must march in to the music, and join the

circle with regularity. Each actor as he "brags," and gives his

challenge, does so marching up and down, his drawn sword over his

shoulder. All the characters take part in the "Mumming Round." The

next to Fair Sabra might hold up her train, and if Dame Dolly had a

Gamp umbrella to put over _her_ shoulder, it would not detract from

her comic charms. The Trumpet Calls for the four Patron Knights should

be appropriate to each. If a Trumpet is quite impossible, some one

should play a national air as each champion enters.

_Enter_ FOOL.

FOOL. Good morrow, friends and neighbours dear,

We are right glad to meet you here,

Christmas comes but once a year,

But when it comes it brings good cheer,

And when it's gone it's no longer near.

May luck attend the milking-pail,

Yule logs and cakes in plenty be,

May each blow of the thrashing-flail

Produce good frumenty.

And let the Wassail Cup abound,

Whene'er the mummers' time comes round.

_Air, "Le Petit Tambour._"

_Sings._ Now all ye jolly mummers

Who mum in Christmas time,

Come join with me in chorus,

Come join with me in rhyme.

[_He has laid his bauble, over his shoulder, and it is taken by_ ST.

GEORGE, _who is followed by all the other actors, each laying his

sword over his right shoulder and his left hand on the sword-point in

front of him, and all marking time with their feet till the circle is

complete, when they march round singing the chorus over and over

again._]

_Chorus._ And a mumming we will go, will go,

And a mumming we will go,

With a bright cockade in all our hats, we'll go with a gallant show.

[_Disperse, and stand aside._]

[_Enter_ FATHER CHRISTMAS.]

FATHER CHRISTMAS Here comes I, old Father Christmas;

Welcome, or welcome not,

I hope poor old Father Christmas

Will never be forgot!

My head is white, my back is bent,

My knees are weak, my strength is spent.

Eighteen hundred and eighty-three

Is a very great age for me.

And if I'd been growing all these years

What a monster I should be!

Now I have but a short time to stay,

And if you don't believe what I say--

Come in, Dame Dolly, and clear the way.

[_Enter_ DAME DOLLY.]

DAME DOLLY. Here comes I, little Dame Dolly,

Wearing smart caps in all my folly.

If any gentleman takes my whim,

I'll set my holiday cap at him.

To laugh at my cap would be very rude;

I wish you well, and I won't intrude.

Gentlemen now at the door do stand,

They will walk in with drawn swords in hand,

And if you don't believe what I say--

Let one Fool and four knights from the British Isles come in and clear

the way!

[_Enter_ FOOL_ and four Christian knights._]

FOOL[_shaking his bells at intervals_].

Room, room, brave gallants, give us room to sport,

For to this room we wish now to resort:

Resort, and to repeat to you our merry rhyme,

For remember, good sirs, that this is Christmas time.

The time to make mince-pies doth now appear,

So we are come to act our merriment in here.

At the sounding of the trumpet, and beating of the drum,

Make room, brave gentlemen, and let our actors come.

We are the merry actors that traverse the street,

We are the merry actors that fight for our meat,

We are the merry actors that show pleasant play.

Stand forth, St. George, thou champion, and clear the way.

[_Trumpet sounds for_ ST. GEORGE.]

[ST. GEORGE _stands forth and walks up and down with sword on

shoulder._]

ST. GEORGE. I am St. George, from good Old England sprung,

My famous name throughout the world hath rung,

Many bloody deeds and wonders have I shown,

And made false tyrants tremble on their throne.

I followed a fair lady to a giant's gate,

Confined in dungeon deep to meet her fate.

Then I resolved with true knight-errantry

To burst the door, and set the captive free.

Far have I roamed, oft have I fought, and little do I rest;

All my delight is to defend the right, and succour the opprest.

And now I'll slay the Dragon bold, my wonders to begin;

A fell and fiery Dragon he, but I will clip his wing.

I'll clip his wings, he shall not fly,

I'll rid the land of him, or else I'll die.

[_Enter_ THE DRAGON, _with a sword over his shoulder._]

DRAGON. Who is it seeks the Dragon's blood,

And calls so angry and so loud?

That English dog who looks so proud--

If I could catch him in my claw--

With my long teeth and horrid jaw,

Of such I'd break up half a score,

To stay my appetite for more.

Marrow from his bones I'd squeeze,

And suck his blood up by degrees.

[ST. GEORGE _and_ THE DRAGON _fight_. THE DRAGON_ is killed_. _Exit_

DRAGON.]

ST. GEORGE. I am St. George, that worthy champion bold,

And with my sword and spear I won three crowns of gold.

I fought the fiery Dragon and brought him to the slaughter,

By which behaviour I won the favour of the King of Egypt's daughter.

Thus I have gained fair Sabra's hand, who long had won her heart.

Stand forth, Egyptian Princess, and boldly act thy part!

[_Enter_ THE PRINCESS SABRA.]

SABRA. I am the Princess Sabra, and it is my delight,

My chiefest pride, to be the bride of this gallant Christian knight.

[ST. GEORGE _kneels and kisses her hand_. FOOL _advances and holds up

his hands over them._]

FOOL. Why here's a sight will do any honest man's heart good,

To see the Dragon-slayer thus subdued!

[ST. GEORGE _rises_. _Exit_ SABRA.]

ST. GEORGE. Keep thy jests in thy pocket if thou

would'st keep thy head on thy shoulders.

I love a woman, and a woman loves me,

And when I want a fool I'll send for thee.

If there is any man but me

Who noxious beasts can tame,

Let him stand forth in this gracious company,

And boldly tell his name.

[ST. GEORGE _stands aside_. _Trumpet sounds for_ ST. PATRICK.]

[ST. PATRICK _stands forth._]

ST. PATRICK. I am St. Patrick from the bogs,

This truth I fain would learn ye,

I banished serpents, toads, and frogs,

From beautiful Hibernia.

I flourished my shillelah

And the reptiles all ran races,

And they took their way into the sea,

And they've never since shown their faces.

[_Enter_ THE PRINCE OF PARADINE.]

PRINCE. I am black Prince of Paradine, born of high renown,

Soon will I fetch thy lofty courage down.

Cry grace, thou Irish conqueror of toads and frogs,

Give me thy sword, or else I'll give thy carcase to the dogs.

ST. PATRICK. Now, Prince of Paradine, where have you been?

And what fine sights pray have you seen?

Dost think that no man of thy age

Dares such a black as thee engage?

Stand off, thou black Morocco dog, or by my sword thou'lt die,

I'll pierce thy body full of holes, and make thy buttons fly.

[_They fight._ THE PRINCE OF PARADINE _is slain._]

ST. PATRICK. Now Prince of Paradine is dead,

And all his joys entirely fled,

Take him and give him to the flies.

That he may never more come near my eyes.

[_Enter_ KING OF EGYPT.]

KING. I am the King of Egypt, as plainly doth appear;

I am come to seek my son, my only son and heir.

ST. PATRICK. He's slain! That's the worst of it.

KING. Who did him slay, who did him kill,

And on the ground his precious blood did spill?

ST. PATRICK. I did him slay, I did him kill,

And on the ground his precious blood did spill.

Please you, my liege, my honour to maintain,

As I have done, so would I do again.

KING. Cursed Christian! What is this thou hast done?

Thou hast ruined me, slaying my only son.

ST. PATRICK. He gave me the challenge. Why should I him deny?

How low he lies who held himself so high!

KING. Oh! Hector! Hector! help me with speed,

For in my life I ne'er stood more in need.

[_Enter_ HECTOR.]

KING. Stand not there, Hector, with sword in hand,

But fight and kill at my command.

HECTOR. Yes, yes, my liege, I will obey,

And by my sword I hope to win the day.

If that be he who doth stand there

That slew my master's son and heir,

Though he be sprung from royal blood

I'll make it run like ocean flood.

[_They fight._ HECTOR _is wounded._]

I am a valiant hero, and Hector is my name,

Many bloody battles have I fought, and always won the same,

But from St. Patrick I received this deadly wound.

[_Trumpet sounds for_ ST. ANDREW.]

Hark, hark, I hear the silver trumpet sound,

It summons me from off this bloody ground.

Down yonder is the way (_pointing_);

Farewell, farewell, I can no longer stay.

[_Exit_ HECTOR.]

[_Enter_ ST. ANDREW.]

KING. Is there never a doctor to be found

Can cure my son of his deep and deadly wound?

[_Enter_ DOCTOR.]

DOCTOR. Yes, yes, there is a doctor to be found

Can cure your son of his deep and deadly wound.

KING. What's your fee?

DOCTOR. Five pounds and a yule cake to thee.

I have a little bottle of Elacampane,

It goes by the name of virtue and fame,

That will make this worthy champion to rise and fight again.

[_To_ PRINCE.] Here, sir, take a little of my flip-flop,

Pour it on thy tip-top.

[_To audience, bowing._]

Ladies and Gentlemen can have my advice gratis.

[_Exeunt_ KING OF EGYPT, PRINCE OF PARADINE, _and_ DOCTOR.]

[ST. ANDREW _stands forth._]

ST. ANDREW. I am St. Andrew from the North,

Men from that part are men of worth;

To travel south we're nothing loth,

And treat you fairly, by my troth.

Here comes a man looks ready for a fray.

Come in, come in, bold soldier, and bravely clear the way.

[_Enter_ SLASHER.]

SLASHER. I am a valiant soldier, and Slasher is my name,

With sword and buckler by my side, I hope to win more fame;

And for to fight with me I see thou art not able,

So with my trusty broadsword I soon will thee disable.

ST. ANDREW. Disable, disable? It lies not in thy power,

For with a broader sword than thine I soon will thee devour.

Stand off, Slasher, let no more be said,

For if I draw my broadsword, I'm sure to break thy head.

SLASHER. How canst thou break my head?

Since my head is made of iron;

My body made of steel;

My hands and feet of knuckle-bone.

I challenge thee to feel.

[_They fight, and_ SLASHER _is wounded._]

[FOOL _advances to_ SLASHER.]

FOOL. Alas, alas, my chiefest son is slain!

What must I do to raise him up again?

Here he lies before you all,

I'll presently for a doctor call.

A doctor! A doctor! I'll go and fetch a doctor.

DOCTOR. Here am I.

FOOL. Are you the doctor?

DOCTOR. That thou may plainly see, by my art and activity.

FOOL. What's your fee to cure this poor man?

DOCTOR. Five pounds is my fee; but, Jack, as thou art a fool, I'll

only take ten from thee.

FOOL. You'll be a clever doctor if you get any.

[_Aside._]

Well, how far have you travelled in doctorship?

DOCTOR. From the front door to the cupboard,

Cupboard to fireplace, fireplace up-stairs and into bed.

FOOL. So far, and no farther?

DOCTOR. Yes, yes, much farther.

FOOL. How far?

DOCTOR. Through England, Ireland, Scotland, Flanders, France, and Spain,

And now am returned to cure the diseases of Old England again.

FOOL. What can you cure?

DOCTOR. All complaints within and without,

From a cold in your head to a touch of the gout.

If any lady's figure is awry

I'll make her very fitting to pass by.

I'll give a coward a heart if he be willing,

Will make him stand without fear of killing.

Ribs, legs, or arms, whate'er you break, be sure

Of one or all I'll make a perfect cure.

Nay, more than this by far, I will maintain,

If you should lose your head or heart, I'll give it you again.

Then here's a doctor rare, who travels much at home,

So take my pills, I'll cure all ills, past, present, or to come.

I in my time many thousands have directed,

And likewise have as many more dissected,

And I never met a gravedigger who to me objected.

If a man gets nineteen bees in his bonnet, I'll cast

twenty of 'em out. I've got in my pocket

crutches for lame ducks, spectacles for blind

bumble-bees, pack-saddles and panniers for

grasshoppers, and many other needful things.

Surely I can cure this poor man.

Here, Slasher, take a little out of my bottle, and let

it run down thy throttle; and if thou beest not

quite slain, rise, man, and fight again.

[SLASHER _rises._]

SLASHER. Oh, my back!

FOOL. What's amiss with thy back?

SLASHER. My back is wounded,

And my heart is confounded;

To be struck out of seven senses into fourscore,

The like was never seen in Old England before.

[_Trumpet sounds for_ ST. DAVID.]

Oh, hark! I hear the silver trumpet sound!

It summons me from off this bloody ground.

Down yonder is the way (_points_);

Farewell, farewell, I can no longer stay.

[_Exit_ SLASHER.]

FOOL. Yes, Slasher, thou hadst better go,

Else the next time he'll pierce thee through.

[ST. DAVID _stands forth._]

ST. DAVID. Of Taffy's Land I'm Patron Saint.

Oh yes, indeed, I'll you acquaint,

Of Ancient Britons I've a race

Dare meet a foeman face to face.

For Welshmen (hear it once again;)

Were born before all other men.

I'll fear no man in fight or freaks,

Whilst Wales produces cheese and leeks.

[_Enter_ TURKISH KNIGHT.]

TURKISH KNIGHT. Here comes I, the Turkish Knight,

Come from the Turkish land to fight.

I'll take St. David for my foe,

And make him yield before I go;

He brags to such a high degree,

He thinks there was never a Knight but he.

So draw thy sword, St. David, thou man of courage bold,

If thy Welsh blood is hot, soon will I fetch it cold.

ST. DAVID. Where is the Turk that will before me stand?

I'll cut him down with my courageous hand.

TURKISH KNIGHT. Draw out thy sword and slay,

Pull out thy purse and pay,

For satisfaction I will have, before I go away.

[_They fight_. THE TURKISH KNIGHT _is wounded, and falls on one

knee._]

Quarter! quarter! good Christian, grace of thee I crave,

Oh, pardon me this night, and I will be thy slave.

ST. DAVID. I keep no slaves, thou Turkish Knight.

So rise thee up again, and try thy might.

[_They fight again_. THE TURKISH KNIGHT _is slain._]

[_Exit_ TURKISH KNIGHT.]

[_Enter_ ST. GEORGE.]

ST. GEORGE. I am the chief of all these valiant knights,

We'll spill our heart's blood for Old England's rights.

Old England's honour we will still maintain,

We'll fight for Old England once and again.

[_Flourishes his sword above his head and then lays it over his right

shoulder._]

I challenge all my country's foes.

ST. PATRICK [_dealing with his sword in like manner,

and then taking the point of_ ST. GEORGE'S _sword

with his left hand_].

And I'll assist with mighty blows.

ST. ANDREW [_acting like the other_].

And you shall find me ready too.

ST. DAVID [_the same_].

And who but I so well as you.

FOOL [_imitates the Knights, and they close the circle

and go round_].

While we are joined in heart and hand,

A gallant and courageous band,

If e'er a foe dares look awry,

We'll one and all poke out his eye.

[_Enter_ SALADIN.]

SALADIN. Don't vaunt thus, my courageous knights,

For I, as you, have seen some sights

In Palestine, in days of yore.

'Gainst prowess strong I bravely bore

The sway, when all the world in arms

Shook Holy Land with war's alarms.

I for the crescent, you the cross,

Each mighty host oft won and lost.

I many a thousand men did slay,

And ate two hundred twice a day,

And now I come, a giant great,

Just waiting for another meat.

ST. GEORGE. Oh! Saladin! Art thou come with sword in hand,

Against St. George and Christendom so rashly to withstand?

SALADIN. Yes, yes, St. George, with thee I mean to fight,

And with one blow, I'll let thee know

I am not the Turkish Knight.

ST. GEORGE. Ah, Saladin, St. George is in this very room,

Thou'rt come this unlucky hour to seek thy fatal doom.

[_Enter_ LITTLE PAGE.]

LITTLE PAGE. Hold, hold, St. George, I pray thee stand by,

I'll conquer him, or else I'll die;

Long with that Pagan champion will I engage,

Although I am but the Little Page.

ST. GEORGE. Fight on, my little page, and conquer!

And don't thee be perplext,

For if thou discourage in the field,

Fight him will I next.

[_They fight._ THE LITTLE PAGE _falls._]

SALADIN. Though but a little man, they were great words he said.

ST. GEORGE. Ah! cruel monster. What havoc hast thou made?

See where the lovely stripling all on the floor is laid.

A doctor! A doctor! Ten pounds for a doctor!

[DAME DOLLY _dances forward, bobbing as before._]

DAME DOLLY. Here comes I, little Dame Dorothy,

Flap front, and good-morrow to ye;

My head is big, my body is small,

I'm the prettiest little jade of you all.

Call not the Doctor for to make him worse,

But give the boy into my hand to nurse.

[_To_ LITTLE PAGE.] Rise up, my pretty page, and come with me,

And by kindness and kitchen physic, I'll cure thee without fee.

[PAGE _rises. Exeunt_ PAGE _and_ DAME DOLLY.]

[ST. GEORGE _and_ SALADIN _fight_. Saladin _is slain._]

[_Enter_ FATHER CHRISTMAS.]

ST. GEORGE. Carry away the dead, Father.

FATHER CHRISTMAS. Let's see whether he's dead or no, first, Georgy.

Yes; I think he's dead enough, Georgy.

ST. GEORGE. Carry him away then, Father.

FATHER CHRISTMAS [_vainly tries to move the_ GIANT'S _body_].

Thou killed him; thou carry him away.

ST. GEORGE. If you can't carry him, call for help.

FATHER CHRISTMAS [_to audience_].

Three or four of you great logger-headed fellows,

Come and carry him away.

[DOCTOR _and_ FOOL _raise the_ GIANT _by his arms. Exit_ GIANT.]

[_Enter_ LITTLE MAN JACK.]

LITTLE MAN JACK. Here comes I, Little Man Jack,

The Master of Giants;

If I could but conquer thee, St. George,

I'd bid the world defiance.

ST. GEORGE. And if thou beest Little Man Jack, the Master of all Giants,

I'll take thee up on my back, and carry thee without violence.

[_Lifts him over his shoulder._]

FOOL. Now brave St. George, he rules the roast;

Britons triumphant be the toast;

Let cheerful song and dance abound,

Whene'er the Mummers' time comes round.

[_All sing._]

Rule, Britannia; Britannia rules the waves,

Britons never, never, never will be slaves.

GRAND SWORD DANCE.

Cut 1 and cross.

Cut 2 and cross partner (which is R. and L.).

Same back again.

The two Knights at opposite corners R. H. Cut 1 and cross, and Cut 2

with opposite Knights.

Same back (which is Ladies' Chain).

Four sword-points up in the centre.

All go round--all Cut 6--and come to bridle-arm protect, and round to

places.

Repeat the first figure.

[_All go round, and then out, singing._]

[Illustration: Musical Score]

_Allegro_,

And a mumming we will go, will go, and a mumming we will go, With a

bright cock-ade in all our hats, We'll go with a gal-lant show.

[_Exeunt omnes._]

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

HINTS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.

HINTS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.--I.

IN A LETTER FROM BURNT CORK TO ROUGE POT.

MY DEAR ROUGE POT,--You say that you all want to have "theatricals"

these holidays, and beg me to give you some useful rules and hints to

study before the Christmas Play comes out in the December Number of

_Aunt Judy_.

I will do my best. But--to begin with--_do_ you "all" want them? At

least, do you all want them enough to keep in the same mind for ten

days or a fortnight, to take a good deal of trouble, whether it is

pleasant or not, and to give up some time and some of your own way, in

order that the theatricals may be successful?

If you say Yes, we will proceed at once to the first--and perhaps the

most important--point, on which you will have to display two of an

actor's greatest virtues--self-denial and good temper:--

THE STAGE-MANAGER.

If your numbers are limited, you may have to choose the one who knows

most about theatricals, and he or she may have to act a leading part

as well. But by rights _the stage-manager ought not to act_;

especially as in juvenile theatricals he will probably be prompter,

property-man, and scene-shifter into the bargain.

If your "company" consists of very young performers, an elder sister

is probably the best stage-manager you could have. But _when once your

stage-manager is chosen, all the actors must make up their minds to

obey him implicitly_. They must take the parts he gives them, and

about any point in dispute the stage-manager's decision must be final.

It is quite likely that now and then he may be wrong. The leading

gentleman may be more in the right, the leading lady may have another

plan quite as good, or better; but as there would be "no end to it" if

everybody's ideas had to be listened to and discussed, it is

absolutely necessary that there should be one head, and one plan

loyally supported by the rest.

Truism as it is, my dear Rouge Pot, I am bound to beg you never to

forget that _everybody can't have everything_ in this world, and that

_everybody can't be everything_ on the stage. What you (and I, and

every other actor!) would really like, would be to choose the play, to

act the best part, to wear the nicest dress, to pick the people you

want to act with, to have the rehearsal on those days, and that part

of the day, when you do not happen to want to go out, or do something

else, to have the power of making all the others do as you tell them,

without the bother of hearing any grumbles, and to be well clapped and

complimented at the conclusion of the performance. But as this very

leading part could only be played by one person at the expense of all

the rest, private theatricals--like so many other affairs of this

life--must for everybody concerned be a compromise of pains and

pleasures, of making strict rules and large allowances, of giving and

taking, bearing and forbearing, learning to find one's own happiness

in seeing other people happy, aiming at perfection with all one's

might, and making the best of imperfection in the end.

At this point, I foresee that you will very naturally exclaim that you

asked me for stage-directions, and that I am sending you a sermon. I

am very sorry; but the truth really is, that as the best of plays and

the cleverest of actors will not ensure success, if the actors quarrel

about the parts, and are unwilling to suppress themselves for the

common good, one is obliged to set out with a good stock of philosophy

as well as of "properties."

Now, in case it should strike you as "unfair" that any one of your

party should have so much of his own way as I have given to the

stage-manager, you must let me say that no one has more need of

philosophy than that all-powerful person.

_The stage-manager will have his own way, but he will have nothing

else._

He will certainly have "no peace" from the first cry of "Let us have

some private theatricals" till the day when the performance ceases to

be discussed. If there are ten actors, it is quite possible that ten

different plays will be warmly recommended to him, and that, whichever

he selects, he will choose it against the gloomy forebodings of nine

members of his company. Nine actors will feel a natural disappointment

at not having the best part, and as it is obviously impossible to fix

rehearsals so as to be equally convenient for everybody, the

stage-manager, whose duty it is to fix them, will be very fortunate if

he suits the convenience of the majority. You will easily believe that

it is his painful duty to insist upon regular attendance, and even to

enforce it by fines or by expulsion from the part, if such stringent

laws have been agreed to by the company beforehand. But at the end he

will have to bear in mind that private theatricals are an amusement,

not a business; that it is said to be a pity to "make a toil of a

pleasure"; that "boys will be boys"; that "Christmas comes but once a

year," and holidays not much oftener--and in a general way to console

himself for the absence of defaulters, with the proverbial philosophy

of everyday life, and the more reliable panacea of resolute good

temper.

He must (without a thought of self) do his best to give the right

parts to the right people, and he must try to combine a proper "cast"

with pleasing everybody--so far as that impossible task is possible!

He must not only be ready to meet his own difficulties with each

separate actor, but he must be prepared to be confidant, if not

umpire, in all the squabbles which the actors and actresses may have

among themselves.

If the performance is a great success, the actors will have the credit

of it, and will probably be receiving compliments amongst the audience

whilst the stage-manager is blowing out the guttering footlights, or

showing the youngest performer how to get the paint off his cheeks,

without taking the skin off into the bargain. And if the performance

is a failure, nine of the performers will have nine separate sets of

proofs that it was due to the stage-manager's unfortunate selection of

the piece, or mistaken judgment as to the characters.

He will, however, have the satisfaction (and when one has a head to

plan and a heart in one's work, it _is_ a satisfaction) of carrying

through the thing in his own way, and sooner or later, and here and

there, he will find some people who know the difficulties of his

position, and will give him ample credit and _kudos_ if he keeps his

company in good humour, and carries out his plans without a breakdown.

By this time, my dear Rouge Pot, you will see that the stage-manager,

like all rulers, pays dearly for his power; but it is to be hoped that

the difficulties inseparable from his office will not be wilfully

increased by

THE ACTORS.

They are a touchy race at any time. Amateur actors are said to

have--one and all--a belief that each and every one can play any part

of any kind. Shakespeare found that some of them thought they could

play _every_ part also! But besides this general error, each actor has

his own peculiarities, which the stage-manager ought to acquaint

himself with as soon as possible.

It is a painful fact that there are some people who "come forward"

readily, do not seem at all nervous, are willing to play anything, and

are either well provided with anecdotes of previous successes, or

quite amazingly ready for leading parts, though they "never tried

acting," and are only "quite sure they shall like it"--but who, when

the time comes, fail completely. I fear that there is absolutely

nothing to be done with such actors, but to avoid them for the

future. On the other hand, there are many people who are nervous and

awkward at first, and even more or less so through every rehearsal,

but who _do not fail at the pinch_. Once fairly in their clothes, and

pledged to their parts, they forget themselves in the sense of what

they have undertaken, and their courage is stimulated by the crisis.

Their knees may shake, but their minds see no alternative but to do

their best, and the best, with characters of this conscientious type,

is seldom bad.

It is quite true, also, that some actors are never at their best till

they are dressed, and that some others can put off learning their

parts till the last moment, and then "study" them at a push, and

acquit themselves creditably in the play. _But these peculiarities are

no excuse for neglecting rehearsals, or for not learning parts, or for

rehearsing in a slovenly manner._

_Actors should never forget that rehearsals are not only for the

benefit of each actor individually, but also of all the characters of

the piece as a whole._

A. and B. may be able to learn their parts in a day, and to act fairly

under the inspiration of the moment, but if they neglect rehearsals on

this account, they deal very selfishly by C. and D., who have not the

same facility, and who rehearse at great disadvantage if the other

parts are not properly represented too.

And now a word or two to the actors of the small parts. It _is_ a

disappointment to find yourself "cast" for a footman, with no more to

do than to announce and usher in the principal personages of the

piece, when you feel a strong (and perhaps well-grounded) conviction

that you would have "made a hit" as the Prince in blank verse and blue

velvet. Well! one must fall back on one's principles. Be loyal to the

stage-manager. Help the piece through, whether it is or is not a

pleasure and a triumph for you yourself. Set an example of willingness

and good-humour. If to these first principles you add the amiable

quality of finding pleasure in the happiness of others, you will be

partly consoled for not playing the Prince yourself by sympathizing

with Jack's unfeigned pride in his part and his finery, and if Jack

has a heart under his velvet doublet, he will not forget your

generosity. It may also be laid down as an axiom that _a good actor

will take a pride in making the most of a small part_. There are many

plays in which small parts have been raised to the rank of principal

ones by the spirit put into them by a good actor, who "made" his part

instead of grumbling at it. And the credit gained by a triumph of this

kind is very often even beyond the actor's deserts. _From those who

play the principal parts much is expected, and it is difficult to

satisfy ones audience, but if any secondary character is made pathetic

or amusing, the audience (having expected nothing) are willing to

believe that if the actor can surprise them with a small part, he

would take the house by storm with a big one._

I will conclude my letter with a few general rules for young actors.

_Say nothing whatever on the stage but your part._ This is a rule for

rehearsals, and if it could be attended to, every rehearsal would have

more than double its usual effect. People chatter from nervousness,

explain or apologize for their mistakes, and waste quite three-fourths

of the time in words which are not in the piece.

_Speak very slowly and very clearly._ All young actors speak too fast,

and do not allow the audience time to digest each sentence. _Speak

louder than usual, but clearness of enunciation is even more

important. Do not be slovenly with the muscles of the lips, or talk

from behind shut teeth._

_Keep your face to the audience as a rule._

If two people talking together have to cross each other so as to

change their places on the stage, _the one who has just spoken should

cross before the one who is going to speak_.

_Learn to stand still._

As a rule, _do not speak when you are crossing the stage_, but cross

first and then speak.

_Let the last speaker get his sentence well out before you begin

yours._

If you are a comic actor, _don't run away with the piece by over-doing

your fun. Never spoil another actor's points by trying to make the

audience laugh whilst he is speaking._ It is inexcusably bad

stage-manners.

If the audience applauds, _wait till the noise of the clapping is over

to finish your speech_.

_Rehearse without your book in the last rehearsals_, so as to get into

the way of hearing the prompter, and catching the word from him when

your memory fails you.

_Practise your part before a looking-glass, and say it out aloud._ A

part may be pat in your head, and very stiff on your tongue.

The Green-room is generally a scene of great confusion in private

theatricals. Besides getting everything belonging to your dress

together _yourself_ and in _good time_, I advise you to have _a little

hand-basket_, such as you may have used at the seaside or in the

garden, and into this to put _pins_, _hair-pins_, _a burnt cork_,

_needles and thread_, _a pair of scissors_, _a pencil_, _your part_,

_and any small things you may require_. It is easy to drop them into

the basket again. Small things get mislaid under bigger ones when one

is dressing in a hurry; and a hero who is flustered by his moustache

having fallen under the washstand well out of sight is apt to forget

his part when he has found the moustache.

Remember that _Right and Left in stage directions mean the right and

left hand of the actor as he faces the audience_.

I will not burden you with any further advice for yourself, and I will

reserve a few hints as to rough and ready scenery, properties, &c.,

for another letter.

Meanwhile--whatever else you omit--get your parts well by rote; and if

you cannot find or spare a stage-manager, you must find good-humour

and common agreement in proportion; prompt by turns, and each look

strictly after his own "properties."

Yours, &c.,

BURNT CORK.

HINTS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.--II.

MY DEAR ROUGE POT,--I promised to say a few words about _rough and

ready properties_.

The most indispensable of all is _the curtain_, which can be made (at

small expense) to roll up and come down in orthodox fashion. Even

better are two curtains, with the rings and strings so arranged that

the curtains can be pulled apart or together by some one in the wings.

Any upholsterer will do this. A double drawing-room with folding doors

is of course "made for theatricals." The difficulty of having only one

exit from the stage--the door of the room--may be met by having a

screen on the other side. But then _the actors who go out behind the

screen, must be those who will not have to come in again till the

curtain has been drawn_.

If, however, the room, or part of a room, devoted to the stage is

large enough for an amateur proscenium, with "wings" at the sides, and

space behind the "scenes" to conceal the actors, and enable them to

go round, of course there can be as many exits as are needed.

A proscenium is quite a possibility. _The framework in which the

curtain falls need not be an expensive or complicated concern._ Two

wooden uprights, firmly fastened to the floor by bolt and socket, each

upright being four or five feet from the wall on either side; a

cross-bar resting on the top, but the whole width of the room, to

which (if it draws up) the curtain is to be nailed; a curtain, with a

wooden pole in the hem at the bottom to steady it (like a

window-blind); long, narrow, fixed curtains to fall from the cross-bar

at each end where it projects beyond the uprights, so as to fill the

space between each upright and the wall of the room, and hide the

wings; some bright wall-paper border to fasten on to the uprights and

cross-bar, as decoration;--these are not expensive matters, and the

little carpentry needed could be done in a very short time by a

village carpenter.

And here, my dear Rouge Pot, I feel inclined to say a word to "Parents

and Guardians." _I wish that a small annual outlay on little pleasures

were oftener reckoned among legitimate expenses in middle-class

British families._ But little pleasures and alms are apt to be left

till they are asked for, and then grudged. Though, if the annual

expenses under these two heads were summed up at the end of the year,

we should perhaps be more inclined to blush than to bewail our

extravagances. As to little pleasures, I am not speaking of toys and

books and presents, of which children have commonly six times as many

now-a-days as they can learn to love; nor do I mean such pleasures as

the month at the seaside, which I should be sorry to describe as a

light matter for papa's purse. But I mean little pleasures of the

children's own devising, for which some trifling help from the elders

will make all the difference between failure and success. In short, my

dear Rouge Pot, at the present moment I mean the children's

theatricals; and papa himself will confess that, whereas two or three

pounds, "up or down," in the seaside move, would hardly be considered,

and fifteen shillings "more or less" in the price of a new dining-room

fender would upset nobody's nerves in the household--if "the children"

asked for a day's work of the village carpenter, and seven and

sixpence worth of wood, to carry out a project of their own, it would

be considered a great waste of money. However, it is only fair to add

that the young people themselves will do wisely to establish a

"theatrical fund" box, which will not open, and to put in a fixed

percentage of everybody's pocket-money to accumulate for some genuine

properties when the theatrical season begins.

The question of _scenery_ of course must depend on the resources of

the company. But _acting may be very successful without any at all_.

It must never be forgotten that _those who look and listen can also

imagine_, and unless tolerably good scenes can be had, it is almost

better to content oneself with what served in the days of

Shakespeare--a written placard of what the scene is supposed to be.

_Shakespeare scenery_, as we may call it, will amuse people of itself,

and a good piece and good actors will not suffer from its use. Thus,

if _The Barmecide_ is being played, Alnaschan and Ina will be

"discovered" standing in an empty room, at the back of which a placard

will bear this inscription in large letters--A STREET IN BAGDAD.

It is possible, however, that your company may include some

water-colour artist, who will try his or her hand at scene-painting in

the barn. Well: he will want canvas or unbleached calico, which must

be covered completely with a "first wash" of whitening and size, mixed

to a freely working consistency, and laid on with a white-wash brush.

When dry, he must outline his scene on this in charcoal. The painting

is then to be done in distemper--all the effects are put in by the

first wash; lights and shadows in their full tone, &c. He will use

powder paints, mix them with size (which must be kept warm on a fire),

and add white for body-colour when he wants to lay one colour over

another. I will add four hints. _For a small stage avoid scenes with

extreme perspective. Keep the general colouring rather sober, so as to

harmonize with the actors' dresses. Only broad effects will show. Keep

stepping back to judge your work from a distance._ In a wood, for

instance, the distance may be largely blue and grey, and the

foreground trees a good deal in warm browns and dull olive. _Paint by

candle-light when convenient._

_All the lights in your theatre must be protected by glasses. The

footlights should have reflectors behind them_, or a board about

eighteen inches high with block-tin nailed on it. Failing this, a

plain polished fender, in which candles or lamps can be placed, will

serve. _There must also be sidelights_, or the footlights will cast

shadows. _Long strips of coloured glass, in frames, can lie flat in

front of the stage when not in use, and be raised up when wanted,

between the footlights and the stage--blue for moonlight, yellow for

sunshine, rose-colour for sunset scenes and fairy effects._ A shade

may be quickly thrown up between the footlights and the stage, _on the

same principle, if darkness is required. For thunder, shake a thin

sheet of iron behind the scenes. Powdered resin or lycopodium thrown

on to the flame of a candle from a quill_ is said to be effective as

_lightning_. But any tricks with naked lights, in the confusion of

private theatricals, are objectionable, and should never be used

except by some grown-up person not among the actors. _For rain, shake

parched peas in a box with irregular partitions. For a full moon, cut

a round hole in your scene, cover it with some translucent material,

and hold a lamp behind it_; the blue-glass shade must be up before the

footlights. A similar hole, or, if low on the horizon, a

half-moon-shaped one, with a crimson transparency, will do for a

setting sun--then the rose-coloured glass will be required before the

footlights.

I have no further space just now, my dear Rouge Pot; but you may

expect another letter from me on Scenery Screens, Properties and

Costumes.

Yours, &c.,

BURNT CORK.

HINTS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.--III.

MY DEAR ROUGE POT,--I promised to say something about _scenery

screens_.

If the house happens to boast a modern pseudo-Japanese screen of a

large size (say six feet high), it will make a very pretty background

for a drawing-room scene, and admit of entrances as I suggested. But

_screens with light grounds are also very valuable as reflectors_,

carrying the light into the back of the stage. There is generally a

want of light on the amateur stage, and all means to remedy this

defect and brighten up matters are worth considering.

_Folding screens_ may be covered on both sides _with strips of lining

wall-paper of delicate tints, pinned on with drawing-pins_. The paper

can be left plain, or it may serve as the background on which to affix

"Shakespeare Scenery." Or again, your amateur painter will find an

easier and more effective reward for such labour as he will not

grudge to bestow in the holidays, if, instead of attempting the

ambitious task of scene-painting on canvas, he adorns these scenery

screens with Japanese designs in water-colours. Bold and not too

crowded combinations of butterflies and flamingoes, tortoises,

dragons, water-reeds, flowers and ferns. He need not hesitate to

employ Bessemer's gold and silver paints, with discretion, and the two

sides of the screen can be done in different ways. The Japanesque side

would make a good drawing-room background, and some other scene (such

as a wood) might be indicated on the other with a nearer approach to

real scene-painting. _These screens light up beautifully, and are well

adapted for drawing-room theatricals._

In the common event of your requiring a bit of a cottage with a

practicable door to be visible, it will be seen that two folds of a

screen, painted with bricks and windows, may be made to do duty in no

ill fashion as the two sides of a house, and with a movable porch (a

valuable stage property) the entrance can be contrived just out of

sight. _The stage will be brightened up by laying down a "crumb

cloth," or covering it with holland._ A drawing-room scene is made

very pretty _by hanging up pairs of the summer white muslin curtains,

looped with gay ribbons, as if there were windows in the sides of the

stage_.

If a fireplace is wanted and will do at the side, a mantelpiece is

easily represented, and a banner screen will help to conceal the

absence of a grate. A showy specimen of that dreadful thing, a paper

grate-ornament, flowing well down into the fender, may sometimes hide

deficiencies. The appearance of _hot coals in a practicable grate_ is

given by _irregularly-shaped pieces of red glass, through which light

is thrown from a candle behind_.

A very important part of your preparations will be _the dresses_.

Now of dresses it may be said--as we have said of scenery--that if the

actors are clever, very slight (if suggestive) accessories in the way

of costume will suffice. At the same time, whilst the scenery can

never be good enough in amateur theatricals to cover deficiencies in

the performance, good costumes may be a most material help to the

success of a piece. Very little wit is demanded from the young

gentleman who plays the part of a monkey, if his felt coat is well

made, and his monkey-mask comical, and if he has acquired some

dexterity in the management of his tail.

I think, my dear Rouge Pot, that you were taken to see that splendid

exhibition of stage properties, _Babil and Bijou_? Do you remember the

delightful effect of the tribe of oysters? The little boys who played

the oysters had nothing to do but to hop and run, and keep their

shells nicely in front of them, and yet how we laughed at them! Now,

in a large family, such parts as these afford an opportunity for

allowing "the little ones" to "act," and so to become accustomed to

the stage, before they can be trusted to learn written parts. Nor are

_comical costumes_ beyond the powers of home manufacturers.

You know those men--sandwich-men as they are often called!--who go

about the London streets with one board in front and one behind. These

boards are of simple shape and only reach from the shoulder, to a

little below the knee; they are only wanted to paste advertisements

on. But if you think about it, you will see that to have the boards

high enough to hide the head, and low enough to hide the legs, rounded

at the top like a scallop shell, with the ribs of the shell nicely

painted, eyeholes to peep through, and the hinge of the shell arranged

to conceal the feet, would be no very great effort of skill. _Sandwich

costumes for the little ones_ might be of many effective shapes. Thick

paste-board would probably be strong enough for very little people,

and in many cases a covered framework would be better still, and if

you have a kite-maker in your troupe, you had better commit these

costumes to his skill and ingenuity. A very simple device would be

that of flower-pots painted red. They need come no higher than the

chin, if a good thick bush is firmly held by the little hands behind,

so as to conceal the face. But no doubt, my dear Rouge Pot, you will

say, "if we have no plays with such characters in, we cannot have

them, however desirable it may be to bring in the little ones." But I

think you will find some of the elders ingenious enough to "tack them

on" to your pieces if required, especially to those founded on fairy

tales.

_Glazed calico_ is the amateur costume-maker's best friend. It is

cheap, it is shiny, and it can be had in all the most effective

colours. I have never seen a very good green; but the turquoise blue,

the pink, and the yellow, are of those pretty Dresden china shades

which Mr. Marcus Ward and other Christmas-card makers use to such good

purpose against gold backgrounds. Many of these Christmas cards, by

the bye, with children dressed in ancient costumes painted by good

artists, will give you and your sisters help in a tasteful combination

of colours; and besides the gold and silver powder paints, which

answer admirably, gold and silver paper can be had to cut stars and

trimmings of various sorts from, to stitch or gum on to fairies'

dresses, &c.

Tarlatan can now be had in hues that almost rival the colours of

flowers, but I fear that only the white can be had "fire-proof."

Gauze wings, flowing hair, and tarlatan skirts, combined with the

"flurry" of the performances, the confined space behind the scenes,

and lights everywhere, form a dangerous combination which it makes one

shudder to think of. The truth is, my dear Rouge Pot, it cannot be too

often or too emphatically repeated that _naked lights on the stage or

behind the scenes in amateur theatricals are as wrong as in a

coal-mine_. Glass shades for the bedroom candles--with which

boy-brothers, seeing imperfectly through masks, will rush past little

sisters whose newly-crimped hair and tarlatan skirts are sticking out,

they can't feel how far behind them--cost a few shillings, _and the

mental effort of resolving to have and use them_. Depend upon it,

Rouge Pot, the latter is the greater difficulty! And yet our petty

economies in matters which affect our health, our daily comfort, or

our lives, are wonderful, when the dangers or discomforts we have to

avert may, _by chance_, be averted by good luck at no cost at all. So

perhaps the few shillings have something to do with it. I hope they

will always be expended on safety glasses for all lights in use on or

about your stage.

Well, glazed calico and tarlatan are very effective, and so is cotton

velvet or velveteen; but in every family there will probably be found

a few articles of finery originally made of expensive materials, but

which are now yielded to the juvenile property-box, and from

experience I can assure you that these are valuable treasures. I have

a tender remembrance of a few which were our _pièces de résistance_

when we "dressed up" either for charades or one of Miss Corner's

plays--"in my young days." A black satin dress--ancient, but of such

lustre and softness as satins are not made now; a real camel's-hair

burnous, dyed crimson; a green satin driving cloak, lined with

fur--these things did not crush and tumble during their long periods

of repose in the property-box, as tarlatan skirts and calico doublets

were apt to do. Most valuable of all, a grey wig, worn right side

foremost by our elderly gentlemen, and wrong side foremost (so as to

bring the pig-tail curls over the forehead) by our elderly ladies. Fur

gloves, which, with a black rabbit-skin mask over her rosy cheeks,

gave ferocity in the part of "the Beast" to our jolliest little

actress. A pair of claret-coloured stockings, silk throughout, and a

pair of yellow leather slippers, embroidered with gold, doubtless

bought long years back in some Eastern bazaar, &c., &c. There came a

date in our theatrical history when only one pair of feet could get

right into these much-desired shoes, heels and all; and as the

individual who owned them was also supposed to display the

claret-coloured stockings to the best advantage, both these important

properties, with the part of Prince to which our custom assigned

them, fell to an actor who could lay no other claim to pre-eminence.

Surely your home will provide one or two of these "stand-bys" of the

green-room, and you will not fail to value them, I assure you. I hope

you will not fight for them!

_Wigs are very important. Unbleached calico is a very fair imitation

of the skin of one's head._ A skull-cap made of it will do for a bald

pate, or, with a black pig-tail and judicious face-painting, will turn

any smooth-faced actor into a very passable Chinaman. Flowing locks of

tow, stitched on round the lower part, will convert it into a

patriarchal wig. _Nigger wigs are made of curly black horsehair

fastened on to a black skull-cap._ Moustaches and whiskers can be

bought at small expense, but if well painted the effect is nearly as

good.

As to _face-painting_. Rouge is indispensable, but care must be taken

not to overdo it. The eyebrows must be darkened with sepia or Indian

ink, and a camel's-hair brush--especially for fair people. With the

same materials you must deepen all the lines of the face, if you want

to make a young person look like an old one. The cheek lines on each

side of the nose, furrows across the forehead, and crow's-foot marks

by the eyes, are required for an old face; but if the audience are to

be very close to the stage, you must be careful not to overdo your

painting. Violet powder is the simplest and least irritating white for

the skin. Rouge should be laid on with a hare's foot. If your "old

man" is wearing a bald wig, be careful to colour his forehead to match

as well as possible with his bald pate. All these applications are

more or less irritating to one's skin. It is said to be a mistake to

_wash_ them off. Cold cream should be rubbed over the face, and then

wiped off with a soft towel.

As a parting hint, my dear Rouge Pot, when you have passed the stage

of child-plays in rhyme--but do not be in a _hurry_ to discard such

universal favourites as _Dick Whittington_, _Beauty and the Beast_,

and _Cinderella_--don't be too ambitious in your selection from

"grown-up" plays. As a matter of experience, when _we_ got beyond Miss

Corner we took to farces, and found them very successful. There are

many which play well in young hands, and only require the omission of

a few coarse expressions, which, being intended to raise a laugh among

"roughs" in the gallery of a public theatre, need hardly be hurled at

the ears of one's private friends.

I am bound to say that competent critics have told me that farces were

about the most difficult things we could have attempted. I can only

say that we found them answer. Partly, perhaps, because it requires a

less high skill to raise a laugh than to move by passion or pathos.

Partly, too, because farces are short, and amateurs can make no

greater mistake than to weary their audience.

If you prefer "dress pieces" and dramas to farces or burlesque, let

some competent person curtail the one you choose to a suitable length.

The manager of juvenile theatricals should never forget the wisdom

embodied in Sam Weller's definition of the art of letter-writing, that

the writer should stop short at such a point as that the reader should

"wish there wos more of it."

Yours, &c.,

BURNT CORK.

SNAP-DRAGONS.

SNAP-DRAGONS.

A TALE OF CHRISTMAS EVE.

MR. AND MRS. SKRATDJ.

Once upon a time there lived a certain family of the name of Skratdj.

(It has a Russian or Polish look, and yet they most certainly lived in

England.) They were remarkable for the following peculiarity. They

seldom seriously quarrelled, but they never agreed about anything. It

is hard to say whether it were more painful for their friends to hear

them constantly contradicting each other, or gratifying to discover

that it "meant nothing," and was "only their way."

It began with the father and mother. They were a worthy couple, and

really attached to each other. But they had a habit of contradicting

each other's statements, and opposing each other's opinions, which,

though mutually understood and allowed for in private, was most trying

to the bystanders in public. If one related an anecdote, the other

would break in with half-a-dozen corrections of trivial details of no

interest or importance to any one, the speakers included. For

instance: Suppose the two dining in a strange house, and Mrs. Skratdj

seated by the host, and contributing to the small-talk of the

dinner-table. Thus:--

"Oh yes. Very changeable weather indeed. It looked quite promising

yesterday morning in the town, but it began to rain at noon."

"A quarter-past eleven, my dear," Mr. Skratdj's voice would be heard

to say from several chairs down, in the corrective tones of a husband

and a father; "and really, my dear, so far from being a promising

morning, I must say it looked about as threatening as it well could.

Your memory is not always accurate in small matters, my love."

But Mrs. Skratdj had not been a wife and a mother for fifteen years,

to be snuffed out at one snap of the marital snuffers. As Mr. Skratdj

leaned forward in his chair, she leaned forward in hers, and defended

herself across the intervening couples.

"Why, my dear Mr. Skratdj, you said yourself the weather had not been

so promising for a week."

"What I said, my dear, pardon me, was that the barometer was higher

than it had been for a week. But, as you might have observed if these

details were in your line, my love, which they are not, the rise was

extraordinarily rapid, and there is no surer sign of unsettled

weather.--But Mrs. Skratdj is apt to forget these unimportant

trifles," he added, with a comprehensive smile round the dinner-table;

"her thoughts are very properly absorbed by the more important

domestic questions of the nursery."

"Now I think that's rather unfair on Mr. Skratdj's part," Mrs. Skratdj

would chirp, with a smile quite as affable and as general as her

husband's. "I'm sure he's _quite_ as forgetful and inaccurate as _I_

am. And I don't think _my_ memory is at _all_ a bad one."

"You forgot the dinner hour when we were going out to dine last week,

nevertheless," said Mr. Skratdj.

"And you couldn't help me when I asked you," was the sprightly retort.

"And I'm sure it's not like you to forget anything about _dinner_, my

dear."

"The letter was addressed to you," said Mr. Skratdj.

"I sent it to you by Jemima," said Mrs. Skratdj.

"I didn't read it," said Mr. Skratdj.

"Well, you burnt it," said Mrs. Skratdj; "and, as I always say,

there's nothing more foolish than burning a letter of invitation

before the day, for one is certain to forget."

"I've no doubt you always do say it," Mr. Skratdj remarked, with a

smile, "but I certainly never remember to have heard the observation

from your lips, my love."

"Whose memory's in fault there?" asked Mrs. Skratdj triumphantly; and

as at this point the ladies rose, Mrs. Skratdj had the last word.

Indeed, as may be gathered from this conversation, Mrs. Skratdj was

quite able to defend herself. When she was yet a bride, and young and

timid, she used to collapse when Mr. Skratdj contradicted her

statements and set her stories straight in public. Then she hardly

ever opened her lips without disappearing under the domestic

extinguisher. But in the course of fifteen years she had learned that

Mr. Skratdj's bark was a great deal worse than his bite. (If, indeed,

he had a bite at all.) Thus snubs that made other people's ears

tingle, had no effect whatever on the lady to whom they were

addressed, for she knew exactly what they were worth, and had by this

time become fairly adept at snapping in return. In the days when she

succumbed she was occasionally unhappy, but now she and her husband

understood each other, and having agreed to differ, they unfortunately

agreed also to differ in public.

Indeed, it was the bystanders who had the worst of it on these

occasions. To the worthy couple themselves the habit had become second

nature, and in no way affected the friendly tenour of their domestic

relations. They would interfere with each other's conversation,

contradicting assertions, and disputing conclusions for a whole

evening; and then, when all the world and his wife thought that these

ceaseless sparks of bickering must blaze up into a flaming quarrel as

soon as they were alone, they would bowl amicably home in a cab,

criticizing the friends who were commenting upon them, and as little

agreed about the events of the evening as about the details of any

other events whatever.

Yes, the bystanders certainly had the worst of it. Those who were near

wished themselves anywhere else, especially when appealed to. Those

who were at a distance did not mind so much. A domestic squabble at a

certain distance is interesting, like an engagement viewed from a

point beyond the range of guns. In such a position one may some day be

placed oneself! Moreover, it gives a touch of excitement to a dull

evening to be able to say _sotto voce_ to one's neighbour, "Do listen!

The Skratdjs are at it again!" Their unmarried friends thought a

terrible abyss of tyranny and aggravation must lie beneath it all, and

blessed their stars that they were still single, and able to tell a

tale their own way. The married ones had more idea of how it really

was, and wished in the name of common sense and good taste that

Skratdj and his wife would not make fools of themselves.

So it went on, however; and so, I suppose, it goes on still, for not

many bad habits are cured in middle age.

On certain questions of comparative speaking their views were never

identical. Such as the temperature being hot or cold, things being

light or dark, the apple-tarts being sweet or sour. So one day Mr.

Skratdj came into the room, rubbing his hands, and planting himself at

the fire with "Bitterly cold it is to-day, to be sure."

"Why, my dear William," said Mrs. Skratdj, "I'm sure you must have got

a cold; I feel a fire quite oppressive myself."

"You were wishing you'd a seal-skin jacket yesterday, when it wasn't

half as cold as it is to-day," said Mr. Skratdj.

"My dear William! Why, the children were shivering the whole day, and

the wind was in the north."

"Due east, Mrs. Skratdj."

"I know by the smoke," said Mrs. Skratdj, softly but decidedly.

"I fancy I can tell an east wind when I feel it," said Mr. Skratdj,

jocosely, to the company.

"I told Jemima to look at the weathercock," murmured Mrs. Skratdj.

"I don't care a fig for Jemima," said her husband.

On another occasion Mrs. Skratdj and a lady friend were conversing.

... "We met him at the Smiths'--a gentleman-like agreeable man, about

forty," said Mrs. Skratdj, in reference to some matter interesting to

both ladies.

"Not a day over thirty-five," said Mr. Skratdj, from behind his

newspaper.

"Why, my dear William, his hair's grey," said Mrs. Skratdj.

"Plenty of men are grey at thirty," said Mr. Skratdj. "I knew a man

who was grey at twenty-five."

"Well, forty or thirty-five, it doesn't much matter," said Mrs.

Skratdj, about to resume her narration.

"Five years matter a good deal to most people at thirty-five," said

Mr. Skratdj, as he walked towards the door. "They would make a

remarkable difference to me, I know;" and with a jocular air Mr.

Skratdj departed, and Mrs. Skratdj had the rest of the anecdote her

own way.

THE LITTLE SKRATDJS.

The Spirit of Contradiction finds a place in most nurseries, though to

a varying degree in different ones. Children snap and snarl by nature,

like young puppies; and most of us can remember taking part in some

such spirited dialogues as the following:--

{"I will." {"You daren't."

{"You can't." {"I dare."

{"You shall." {"I'll tell Mamma."

{"I won't." {"I don't care if you do."

It is the part of wise parents to repress these squibs and crackers of

juvenile contention, and to enforce that slowly-learned lesson, that

in this world one must often "pass over" and "put up with" things in

other people, being oneself by no means perfect. Also that it is a

kindness, and almost a duty, to let people think and say and do things

in their own way occasionally.

But even if Mr. and Mrs. Skratdj had ever thought of teaching all this

to their children, it must be confessed that the lesson would not have

come with a good grace from either of them, since they snapped and

snarled between themselves as much or more than their children in the

nursery.

The two eldest were the leaders in the nursery squabbles. Between

these, a boy and a girl, a ceaseless war of words was waged from

morning to night. And as neither of them lacked ready wit, and both

were in constant practice, the art of snapping was cultivated by them

to the highest pitch.

It began at breakfast, if not sooner.

"You've taken my chair."

"It's not your chair."

"You know it's the one I like, and it was in my place."

"How do you know it was in your place?"

"Never mind. I do know."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"Suppose I say it was in my place."

"You can't, for it wasn't."

"I can, if I like."

"Well, was it?"

"I sha'n't tell you."

"Ah! that shows it wasn't."

"No, it doesn't."

"Yes, it does."

Etc., etc., etc.

The direction of their daily walks was a fruitful subject of

difference of opinion.

"Let's go on the Common to-day, Nurse."

"Oh, don't let's go there; we're always going on the Common."

"I'm sure we're not. We've not been there for ever so long."

"Oh, what a story! We were there on Wednesday. Let's go down Gipsey

Lane. We never go down Gipsey Lane."

"Why, we're always going down Gipsey Lane. And there's nothing to see

there."

"I don't care, I won't go on the Common, and I shall go and get Papa

to say we're to go down Gipsey Lane. I can run faster than you."

"That's very sneaking; but I don't care."

"Papa! Papa! Polly's called me a sneak."

"No, I didn't, Papa."

"You did."

"No, I didn't. I only said it was sneaking of you to say you'd run

faster than me, and get Papa to say we were to go down Gipsey Lane."

"Then you did call him sneaking," said Mr. Skratdj. "And you're a very

naughty ill-mannered little girl. You're getting very troublesome,

Polly, and I shall have to send you to school, where you'll be kept in

order. Go where your brother wishes at once."

For Polly and her brother had reached an age when it was convenient,

if possible, to throw the blame of all nursery differences on Polly.

In families where domestic discipline is rather fractious than firm,

there comes a stage when the girls almost invariably go to the wall,

because they will stand snubbing, and the boys will not. Domestic

authority, like some other powers, is apt to be magnified on the

weaker class.

But Mr. Skratdj would not always listen even to Harry.

"If you don't give it me back directly, I'll tell about your eating

the two magnum-bonums in the kitchen garden on Sunday," said Master

Harry on one occasion.

"Tell-tale tit!

Your tongue shall be slit,

And every dog in the town shall have a little bit,"

quoted his sister.

"Ah! You've called me a tell-tale. Now I'll go and tell Papa. You got

into a fine scrape for calling me names the other day."

"Go, then! I don't care."

"You wouldn't like me to go, I know."

"You daren't. That's what it is."

"I dare."

"Then why don't you?"

"Oh, I am going; but you'll see what will be the end of it."

Polly, however, had her own reasons for remaining stolid, and Harry

started. But when he reached the landing he paused. Mr. Skratdj had

especially announced that morning that he did not wish to be

disturbed, and though he was a favourite, Harry had no desire to

invade the dining-room at this crisis. So he returned to the nursery,

and said with a magnanimous air, "I don't want to get you into a

scrape, Polly. If you'll beg my pardon I won't go."

"I'm sure I sha'n't," said Polly, who was equally well informed as to

the position of affairs at head-quarters. "Go, if you dare."

"I won't if you want me not," said Harry, discreetly waiving the

question of apologies.

"But I'd rather you went," said the obdurate Polly. "You're always

telling tales. Go and tell now, if you're not afraid."

So Harry went. But at the bottom of the stairs he lingered again, and

was meditating how to return with most credit to his dignity, when

Polly's face appeared through the banisters, and Polly's sharp tongue

goaded him on.

"Ah! I see you. You're stopping. You daren't go."

"I dare," said Harry; and at last he went.

As he turned the handle of the door, Mr. Skratdj turned round.

"Please, Papa--" Harry began.

"Get away with you!" cried Mr. Skratdj, "Didn't I tell you I was not

to be disturbed this morning? What an extraor----"

But Harry had shut the door, and withdrawn precipitately.

Once outside, he returned to the nursery with dignified steps, and an

air of apparent satisfaction, saying,

"You're to give me the bricks, please."

"Who says so?"

"Why, who should say so? Where have I been, pray?"

"I don't know, and I don't care."

"I've been to Papa. There!"

"Did he say I was to give up the bricks?"

"I've told you."

"No, you've not."

"I sha'n't tell you any more."

"Then I'll go to Papa and ask."

"Go by all means."

"I won't if you'll tell me truly."

"I sha'n't tell you anything. Go and ask, if you dare," said Harry,

only too glad to have the tables turned.

Polly's expedition met with the same fate, and she attempted to cover

her retreat in a similar manner.

"Ah! you didn't tell."

"I don't believe you asked Papa."

"Don't you? Very well!"

"Well, did you?"

"Never mind."

Etc., etc., etc.

Meanwhile Mr. Skratdj scolded Mrs. Skratdj for not keeping the

children in better order. And Mrs. Skratdj said it was quite

impossible to do so, when Mr. Skratdj spoilt Harry as he did, and

weakened her (Mrs. Skratdj's) authority by constant interference.

Difference of sex gave point to many of these nursery squabbles, as it

so often does to domestic broils.

"Boys never will do what they're asked," Polly would complain.

"Girls ask such unreasonable things," was Harry's retort.

"Not half so unreasonable as the things you ask."

"Ah! that's a different thing! Women have got to do what men tell

them, whether it's reasonable or not."

"No, they've not!" said Polly. "At least, that's only husbands and

wives."

"All women are inferior animals," said Harry.

"Try ordering Mamma to do what you want, and see!" said Polly.

"Men have got to give orders, and women have to obey," said Harry,

falling back on the general principle. "And when I get a wife, I'll

take care I make her do what I tell her. But you'll have to obey your

husband when you get one."

"I won't have a husband, and then I can do as I like."

"Oh, won't you? You'll try to get one, I know. Girls always want to be

married."

"I'm sure I don't know why," said Polly; "they must have had enough of

men if they have brothers."

And so they went on, _ad infinitum_, with ceaseless arguments that

proved nothing and convinced nobody, and a continual stream of

contradiction that just fell short of downright quarrelling.

Indeed, there was a kind of snapping even less near to a dispute than

in the cases just mentioned. The little Skratdjs, like some other

children, were under the unfortunate delusion that it sounds clever to

hear little boys and girls snap each other up with smart sayings, and

old and rather vulgar play upon words, such as:

"I'll give you a Christmas-box. Which ear will you have it on?"

"I won't stand it."

"Pray take a chair."

"You shall have it to-morrow."

"To-morrow never comes."

And so if a visitor kindly began to talk to one of the children,

another was sure to draw near and "take up" all the first child's

answers, with smart comments, and catches that sounded as silly as

they were tiresome and impertinent.

And ill-mannered as this was, Mr. and Mrs. Skratdj never put a stop

to it. Indeed, it was only a caricature of what they did themselves.

But they often said, "We can't think how it is the children are always

squabbling!"

THE SKRATDJS' DOG AND THE HOT-TEMPERED GENTLEMAN.

It is wonderful how the state of mind of a whole household is

influenced by the heads of it. Mr. Skratdj was a very kind master, and

Mrs. Skratdj was a very kind mistress, and yet their servants lived in

a perpetual fever of irritability that just fell short of discontent.

They jostled each other on the back stairs, said sharp things in the

pantry, and kept up a perennial warfare on the subject of the duty of

the sexes with the general man-servant. They gave warning on the

slightest provocation.

The very dog was infected by the snapping mania. He was not a brave

dog, he was not a vicious dog, and no high-breeding sanctioned his

pretensions to arrogance. But like his owners, he had contracted a bad

habit, a trick, which made him the pest of all timid visitors, and

indeed of all visitors whatsoever.

The moment any one approached the house, on certain occasions when he

was spoken to, and often in no traceable connection with any cause at

all, Snap the mongrel would rush out, and bark in his little sharp

voice--"Yap! yap! yap!" If the visitor made a stand, he would bound

away sideways on his four little legs; but the moment the visitor went

on his way again, Snap was at his heels--"Yap! yap! yap!" He barked at

the milkman, the butcher's boy, and the baker, though he saw them

every day. He never got used to the washerwoman, and she never got

used to him. She said he "put her in mind of that there black dog in

the _Pilgrim's Progress_." He sat at the gate in summer, and yapped at

every vehicle and every pedestrian who ventured to pass on the

high-road. He never but once had the chance of barking at burglars;

and then, though he barked long and loud, nobody got up, for they

said, "It's only Snap's way." The Skratdjs lost a silver teapot, a

Stilton cheese, and two electro christening mugs, on this occasion;

and Mr. and Mrs. Skratdj dispute who it was who discouraged reliance

on Snap's warning to the present day.

One Christmas time, a certain hot-tempered gentleman came to visit the

Skratdjs. A tall, sandy, energetic young man, who carried his own bag

from the railway. The bag had been crammed rather than packed, after

the wont of bachelors; and you could see where the heel of a boot

distended the leather, and where the bottle of shaving-cream lay.

As he came up to the house, out came Snap as usual--"Yap! yap! yap!"

Now the gentleman was very fond of dogs, and had borne this greeting

some dozen of times from Snap, who for his part knew the visitor quite

as well as the washerwoman, and rather better than the butcher's boy.

The gentleman had good, sensible, well-behaved dogs of his own, and

was greatly disgusted with Snap's conduct. Nevertheless he spoke

friendly to him; and Snap, who had had many a bit from his plate,

could not help stopping for a minute to lick his hand. But no sooner

did the gentleman proceed on his way, than Snap flew at his heels in

the usual fashion--

"Yap! Yap! Yap!"

On which the gentleman--being hot-tempered, and one of those people

with whom it is (as they say) a word and a blow, and the blow

first--made a dash at Snap, and Snap taking to his heels, the

gentleman flung his carpet-bag after him. The bottle of shaving-cream

hit upon a stone and was smashed. The heel of the boot caught Snap on

the back, and sent him squealing to the kitchen. And he never barked

at that gentleman again.

If the gentleman disapproved of Snap's conduct, he still less liked

the continual snapping of the Skratdj family themselves. He was an old

friend of Mr. and Mrs. Skratdj, however, and knew that they were

really happy together, and that it was only a bad habit which made

them constantly contradict each other. It was in allusion to their

real affection for each other, and their perpetual disputing, that he

called them the "Snapping Turtles."

When the war of words waxed hottest at the dinner-table between his

host and hostess, he would drive his hands through his shock of sandy

hair, and say, with a comical glance out of his umber eyes, "Don't

flirt, my friends. It makes a bachelor feel awkward."

And neither Mr. nor Mrs. Skratdj could help laughing.

With the little Skratdjs his measures were more vigorous. He was very

fond of children, and a good friend to them. He grudged no time or

trouble to help them in their games and projects, but he would not

tolerate their snapping up each other's words in his presence. He was

much more truly kind than many visitors, who think it polite to smile

at the sauciness and forwardness which ignorant vanity leads children

so often to "show off" before strangers. These civil acquaintances

only abuse both children and parents behind their backs, for the very

bad habits which they help to encourage.

The hot-tempered gentleman's treatment of his young friends was very

different. One day he was talking to Polly, and making some kind

inquiries about her lessons, to which she was replying in a quiet and

sensible fashion, when up came Master Harry, and began to display his

wit by comments on the conversation, and by snapping at and

contradicting his sister's remarks, to which she retorted; and the

usual snap-dialogue went on as before.

"Then you like music," said the hot-tempered gentleman.

"Yes, I like it very much," said Polly.

"Oh, do you?" Harry broke in. "Then what are you always crying over it

for?"

"I'm not always crying over it."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not. I only cry sometimes, when I stick fast."

"Your music must be very sticky, for you're always stuck fast."

"Hold your tongue!" said the hot-tempered gentleman.

With what he imagined to be a very waggish air, Harry put out his

tongue, and held it with his finger and thumb. It was unfortunate that

he had not time to draw it in again before the hot-tempered gentleman

gave him a stinging box on the ear, which brought his teeth rather

sharply together on the tip of his tongue, which was bitten in

consequence.

"It's no use _speaking_," said the hot-tempered gentleman, driving his

hands through his hair.

* * * * *

Children are like dogs, they are very good judges of their real

friends. Harry did not like the hot-tempered gentleman a bit the less

because he was obliged to respect and obey him; and all the children

welcomed him boisterously when he arrived that Christmas which we have

spoken of in connection with his attack on Snap.

It was on the morning of Christmas Eve that the china punch-bowl was

broken. Mr. Skratdj had a warm dispute with Mrs. Skratdj as to whether

it had been kept in a safe place; after which both had a brisk

encounter with the housemaid, who did not know how it happened; and

she, flouncing down the back passage, kicked Snap; who forthwith flew

at the gardener as he was bringing in the horse-radish for the beef;

who stepping backwards trode upon the cat; who spit and swore, and

went up the pump with her tail as big as a fox's brush.

To avoid this domestic scene, the hot-tempered gentleman withdrew to

the breakfast-room and took up a newspaper. By and by, Harry and Polly

came in, and they were soon snapping comfortably over their own

affairs in a corner.

The hot-tempered gentleman's umber eyes had been looking over the top

of his newspaper at them for some time, before he called, "Harry, my

boy!"

And Harry came up to him.

"Show me your tongue, Harry," said he.

"What for?" said Harry; "you're not a doctor."

"Do as I tell you," said the hot-tempered gentleman; and as Harry saw

his hand moving, he put his tongue out with all possible haste. The

hot-tempered gentleman sighed. "Ah!" he said, in depressed tones; "I

thought so!--Polly, come and let me look at yours."

Polly, who had crept up during this process, now put out hers. But the

hot-tempered gentleman looked gloomier still, and shook his head.

"What is it?" cried both the children. "What do you mean?" And they

seized the tips of their tongues with their fingers, to feel for

themselves.

But the hot-tempered gentleman went slowly out of the room without

answering; passing his hands through his hair, and saying, "Ah! Hum!"

and nodding with an air of grave foreboding.

Just as he crossed the threshold, he turned back, and put his head

into the room. "Have you ever noticed that your tongues are growing

pointed?" he asked.

"No!" cried the children with alarm. "Are they?"

"If ever you find them becoming forked," said the gentleman in solemn

tones, "let me know."

With which he departed, gravely shaking his head.

In the afternoon the children attacked him again.

"_Do_ tell us what's the matter with our tongues."

"You were snapping and squabbling just as usual this morning," said

the hot-tempered gentleman.

"Well, we forgot," said Polly. "We don't mean anything, you know. But

never mind that now, please. Tell us about our tongues. What is going

to happen to them?"

"I'm very much afraid," said the hot-tempered gentleman, in solemn

measured tones, "that you are both of you--fast--going--to--the--"

"Dogs?" suggested Harry, who was learned in cant expressions.

"Dogs!" said the hot-tempered gentleman, driving his hands through his

hair. "Bless your life, no! Nothing half so pleasant! (That is, unless

all dogs were like Snap, which mercifully they are not.) No, my sad

fear is, that you are both of you--rapidly--going--_to the

Snap-Dragons_!"

And not another word would the hot-tempered gentleman say on the

subject.

CHRISTMAS EVE.

In the course of a few hours Mr. and Mrs. Skratdj recovered their

equanimity. The punch was brewed in a jug, and tasted quite as good as

usual. The evening was very lively. There were a Christmas tree, Yule

cakes, log, and candles, furmety, and snap-dragon after supper. When

the company was tired of the tree, and had gained an appetite by the

hard exercise of stretching to high branches, blowing out "dangerous"

tapers, and cutting ribbon and pack-thread in all directions, supper

came, with its welcome cakes and furmety and punch. And when furmety

somewhat palled upon the taste (and it must be admitted to boast more

sentiment than flavour as a Christmas dish), the Yule candles were

blown out, and both the spirits and the palates of the party were

stimulated by the mysterious and pungent pleasures of snap-dragon.

Then, as the hot-tempered gentleman warmed his coat-tails at the Yule

log, a grim smile stole over his features as he listened to the sounds

in the room. In the darkness the blue flames leaped and danced, the

raisins were snapped and snatched from hand to hand, scattering

fragments of flame hither and thither. The children shouted as the

fiery sweetmeats burnt away the mawkish taste of the furmety. Mr.

Skratdj cried that they were spoiling the carpet; Mrs. Skratdj

complained that he had spilled some brandy on her dress. Mr. Skratdj

retorted that she should not wear dresses so susceptible of damage in

the family circle. Mrs. Skratdj recalled an old speech of Mr.

Skratdj's on the subject of wearing one's nice things for the benefit

of one's family, and not reserving them for visitors. Mr. Skratdj

remembered that Mrs. Skratdj's excuse for buying that particular dress

when she did not need it, was her intention of keeping it for the next

year. The children disputed as to the credit for courage and the

amount of raisins due to each. Snap barked furiously at the flames;

and the maids hustled each other for good places in the doorway, and

would not have allowed the man-servant to see at all, but he looked

over their heads.

"St! St! At it! At it!" chuckled the hot-tempered gentleman in

undertones. And when he said this, it seemed as if the voices of Mr.

and Mrs. Skratdj rose higher in matrimonial repartee, and the

children's squabbles became louder, and the dog yelped as if he were

mad, and the maids' contest was sharper; whilst the snap-dragon flames

leaped up and up, and blue fire flew about the room like foam.

At last the raisins were finished, the flames were all but out, and

the company withdrew to the drawing-room. Only Harry lingered.

"Come along, Harry," said the hot-tempered gentleman.

"Wait a minute," said Harry.

"You had better come," said the gentleman.

"Why?" said Harry.

"There's nothing to stop for. The raisins are eaten, the brandy is

burnt out--"

"No, it's not," said Harry.

"Well, almost. It would be better if it were quite out. Now come. It's

dangerous for a boy like you to be alone with the Snap-Dragons

to-night."

"Fiddle-sticks!" said Harry.

"Go your own way, then!" said the hot-tempered gentleman; and he

bounced out of the room, and Harry was left alone.

DANCING WITH THE DRAGONS.

He crept up to the table, where one little pale blue flame flickered

in the snap-dragon dish.

"What a pity it should go out!" said Harry. At this moment the

brandy-bottle on the sideboard caught his eye.

"Just a little more," muttered Harry to himself; and he uncorked the

bottle, and poured a little brandy on to the flame.

Now of course, as soon as the brandy touched the fire, all the brandy

in the bottle blazed up at once, and the bottle split to pieces; and

it was very fortunate for Harry that he did not get seriously hurt. A

little of the hot brandy did get into his eyes, and made them smart,

so that he had to shut them for a few seconds.

But when he opened them again, what a sight he saw! All over the room

the blue flames leaped and danced as they had leaped and danced in the

soup-plate with the raisins. And Harry saw that each successive flame

was the fold in the long body of a bright blue Dragon, which moved

like the body of a snake. And the room was full of these Dragons. In

the face they were like the dragons one sees made of very old blue and

white china; and they had forked tongues, like the tongues of

serpents. They were most beautiful in colour, being sky-blue. Lobsters

who have just changed their coats are very handsome, but the violet

and indigo of a lobster's coat is nothing to the brilliant sky-blue of

a Snap-Dragon.

How they leaped about! They were for ever leaping over each other like

seals at play. But if it was "play" at all with them, it was of a very

rough kind; for as they jumped, they snapped and barked at each

other, and their barking was like that of the barking Gnu in the

Zoological Gardens; and from time to time they tore the hair out of

each other's heads with their claws, and scattered it about the floor.

And as it dropped it was like the flecks of flame people shake from

their fingers when they are eating snap-dragon raisins.

Harry stood aghast.

"What fun!" cried a voice close behind him; and he saw that one of the

Dragons was lying near, and not joining in the game. He had lost one

of the forks of his tongue by accident, and could not bark for awhile.

"I'm glad you think it funny," said Harry; "I don't."

"That's right. Snap away!" sneered the Dragon. "You're a perfect

treasure. They'll take you in with them the third round."

"Not those creatures?" cried Harry.

"Yes, those creatures. And if I hadn't lost my bark, I'd be the first

to lead you off," said the Dragon. "Oh, the game will exactly suit

you."

"What is it, please?" Harry asked.

"You'd better not say 'please' to the others," said the Dragon, "if

you don't want to have all your hair pulled out. The game is this. You

have always to be jumping over somebody else, and you must either

talk or bark. If anybody speaks to you, you must snap in return. I

need not explain what _snapping_ is. _You know._ If any one by

accident gives a civil answer, a claw-full of hair is torn out of his

head to stimulate his brain. Nothing can be funnier."

"I dare say it suits you capitally," said Harry; "but I'm sure we

shouldn't like it. I mean men and women and children. It wouldn't do

for us at all."

"Wouldn't it?" said the Dragon. "You don't know how many human beings

dance with dragons on Christmas Eve. If we are kept going in a house

till after midnight, we can pull people out of their beds, and take

them to dance in Vesuvius."

"Vesuvius!" cried Harry.

"Yes, Vesuvius. We come from Italy originally, you know. Our skins are

the colour of the Bay of Naples. We live on dried grapes and ardent

spirits. We have glorious fun in the mountain sometimes. Oh! what

snapping, and scratching, and tearing! Delicious! There are times when

the squabbling becomes too great, and Mother Mountain won't stand it,

and spits us all out, and throws cinders after us. But this is only at

times. We had a charming meeting last year. So many human beings, and

how they _can_ snap! It was a choice party. So very select. We always

have plenty of saucy children, and servants. Husbands and wives too,

and quite as many of the former as the latter, if not more. But

besides these, we had two vestry-men; a country postman, who devoted

his talents to insulting the public instead of to learning the postal

regulations; three cabmen and two "fares"; two young shop-girls from a

Berlin wool shop in a town where there was no competition; four

commercial travellers; six landladies; six Old Bailey lawyers; several

widows from almshouses; seven single gentlemen and nine cats, who

swore at everything; a dozen sulphur-coloured screaming cockatoos; a

lot of street children from a town; a pack of mongrel curs from the

colonies, who snapped at the human beings' heels; and five elderly

ladies in their Sunday bonnets with Prayer-books, who had been

fighting for good seats in church."

"Dear me!" said Harry.

"If you can find nothing sharper to say than 'Dear me,'" said the

Dragon, "you will fare badly, I can tell you. Why, I thought you'd a

sharp tongue, but it's not forked yet, I see. Here they are, however.

Off with you! And if you value your curls--Snap!"

And before Harry could reply, the Snap-Dragons came in on their third

round, and as they passed they swept Harry along with them.

He shuddered as he looked at his companions. They were as transparent

as shrimps, but of a lovely cerulæan blue. And as they leaped they

barked--"Howf! Howf!"--like barking Gnus; and when they leaped Harry

had to leap with them. Besides barking, they snapped and wrangled with

each other; and in this Harry must join also.

"Pleasant, isn't it?" said one of the blue Dragons.

"Not at all," snapped Harry.

"That's your bad taste," snapped the blue Dragon.

"No, it's not!" snapped Harry.

"Then it's pride and perverseness. You want your hair combing."

"Oh, please don't!" shrieked Harry, forgetting himself. On which the

Dragon clawed a handful of hair out of his head, and Harry screamed,

and the blue Dragons barked and danced.

"That made your hair curl, didn't it?" asked another Dragon, leaping

over Harry.

"That's no business of yours," Harry snapped, as well as he could for

crying.

"It's more my pleasure than business," retorted the Dragon.

"Keep it to yourself, then," snapped Harry.

"I mean to share it with you, when I get hold of your hair," snapped

the Dragon.

"Wait till you get the chance," Harry snapped, with desperate presence

of mind.

"Do you know whom you're talking to?" roared the Dragon; and he opened

his mouth from ear to ear, and shot out his forked tongue in Harry's

face; and the boy was so frightened that he forgot to snap, and cried

piteously,

"Oh, I beg your pardon, please don't!"

On which the blue Dragon clawed another handful of hair out of his

head, and all the Dragons barked as before.

How long the dreadful game went on Harry never exactly knew. Well

practised as he was in snapping in the nursery, he often failed to

think of a retort, and paid for his unreadiness by the loss of his

hair. Oh, how foolish and wearisome all this rudeness and snapping now

seemed to him! But on he had to go, wondering all the time how near it

was to twelve o'clock, and whether the Snap-Dragons would stay till

midnight and take him with them to Vesuvius.

At last, to his joy, it became evident that the brandy was coming to

an end. The Dragons moved slower, they could not leap so high, and at

last one after another they began to go out.

"Oh, if they only all of them get away before twelve!" thought poor

Harry.

At last there was only one. He and Harry jumped about and snapped and

barked, and Harry was thinking with joy that he was the last, when the

clock in the hall gave that whirring sound which some clocks do before

they strike, as if it were clearing its throat.

"Oh, _please_ go!" screamed Harry in despair.

The blue Dragon leaped up, and took such a claw-full of hair out of

the boy's head, that it seemed as if part of the skin went too. But

that leap was his last. He went out at once, vanishing before the

first stroke of twelve. And Harry was left on his face on the floor in

the darkness.

CONCLUSION.

When his friends found him there was blood on his forehead. Harry

thought it was where the Dragon had clawed him, but they said it was a

cut from a fragment of the broken brandy-bottle. The Dragons had

disappeared as completely as the brandy.

Harry was cured of snapping. He had had quite enough of it for a

lifetime, and the catch-contradictions of the household now made him

shudder. Polly had not had the benefit of his experiences, and yet she

improved also.

In the first place, snapping, like other kinds of quarrelling,

requires two parties to it, and Harry would never be a party to

snapping any more. And when he gave civil and kind answers to Polly's

smart speeches, she felt ashamed of herself, and did not repeat them.

In the second place, she heard about the Snap-Dragons. Harry told all

about it to her and to the hot-tempered gentleman.

"Now do you think it's true?" Polly asked the hot-tempered man.

"Hum! Ha!" said he, driving his hands through his hair. "You know I

warned you, you were going to the Snap-Dragons."

* * * * *

Harry and Polly snubbed "the little ones" when they snapped, and

utterly discountenanced snapping in the nursery. The example and

admonitions of elder children are a powerful instrument of nursery

discipline, and before long there was not a "sharp tongue" amongst all

the little Skratdjs.

But I doubt if the parents ever were cured. I don't know if they heard

the story. Besides, bad habits are not easily cured when one is old.

I fear Mr. and Mrs. Skratdj have yet got to dance with the Dragons.

OLD FATHER CHRISTMAS.

OLD FATHER CHRISTMAS.

AN OLD-FASHIONED TALE OF THE YOUNG DAYS OF A GRUMPY OLD GODFATHER.

CHAPTER I.

"Can you fancy, young people," said Godfather Garbel, winking with his

prominent eyes, and moving his feet backwards and forwards in his

square shoes, so that you could hear the squeak-leather half a room

off--"can you fancy my having been a very little boy, and having a

godmother? But I had, and she sent me presents on my birthdays too.

And young people did not get presents when I was a child as they get

them now. _Grumph_! We had not half so many toys as you have, but we

kept them twice as long. I think we were fonder of them too, though

they were neither so handsome nor so expensive as these new-fangled

affairs you are always breaking about the house. _Grumph_!

"You see, middle-class folk were more saving then. My mother turned

and dyed her dresses, and when she had done with them, the servant was

very glad to have them; but, bless me! your mother's maids dress so

much finer than their mistress, I do not think they would say 'thank

you' for her best Sunday silk. The bustle's the wrong shape. _Grumph_!

"What's that you are laughing at, little miss? It's _pannier_, is it?

Well, well, bustle or pannier, call it what you like; but only donkeys

wore panniers in my young days, and many's the ride I've had in them.

"Now, as I say, my relations and friends thought twice before they

pulled out five shillings in a toy-shop, but they didn't forget me,

all the same.

"On my eighth birthday my mother gave me a bright blue comforter of

her own knitting.

"My little sister gave me a ball. My mother had cut out the divisions

from various bits in the rag-bag, and my sister had done some of the

seaming. It was stuffed with bran, and had a cork inside which had

broken from old age, and would no longer fit the pickle-jar it

belonged to. This made the ball bound when we played 'prisoner's

base.'

"My father gave me the broken driving-whip that had lost the lash, and

an old pair of his gloves, to play coachman with; these I had long

wished for, since next to sailing in a ship, in my ideas, came the

honour and glory of driving a coach.

"My whole soul, I must tell you, was set upon being a sailor. In those

days I had rather put to sea once on Farmer Fodder's duck-pond than

ride twice atop of his hay-waggon; and between the smell of hay and

the softness of it, and the height you are up above other folk, and

the danger of tumbling off if you don't look out--for hay is elastic

as well as soft--you don't easily beat a ride on a hay-waggon for

pleasure. But as I say, I'd rather put to sea on the duck-pond, though

the best craft I could borrow was the pigstye-door, and a pole to punt

with, and the village boys jeering when I got aground, which was most

of the time--besides the duck-pond never having a wave on it worth the

name, punt as you would, and so shallow you could not have got drowned

in it to save your life.

"You're laughing now, little master, are you? But let me tell you that

drowning's the death for a sailor, whatever you may think. So I've

always maintained, and have given every navigable sea in the known

world a chance, though here I am after all, laid up in arm-chairs and

feather-beds, to wait for bronchitis or some other slow poison.

_Grumph_!

"Well, we must all go as we're called, sailors or landsmen, and as I

was saying, if I was never to sail a ship, I would have liked to drive

a coach. A mail coach, serving His Majesty (Her Majesty now, GOD

bless her!), carrying the Royal Arms, and bound to go, rough weather

and fair. Many's the time I've done it (in play you understand) with

that whip and those gloves. Dear! dear! The pains I took to teach my

sister Patty to be a highwayman, and jump out on me from the

drying-ground hedge in the dusk with a 'Stand and deliver!' which she

couldn't get out of her throat for fright, and wouldn't jump hard

enough for fear of hurting me.

"The whip and the gloves gave me joy, I can tell you; but there was

more to come.

"Kitty the servant gave me a shell that she had had by her for years.

How I had coveted that shell! It had this remarkable property: when

you put it to your ear, you could hear the roaring of the sea. I had

never seen the sea, but Kitty was born in a fisherman's cottage, and

many an hour have I sat by the kitchen fire whilst she told me strange

stories of the mighty ocean, and ever and anon she would snatch the

shell from the mantelpiece and clap it to my ear, crying, 'There,

child, you couldn't hear it plainer than that. It's the very moral!'

"When Kitty gave me that shell for my very own, I felt that life had

little more to offer. I held it to every ear in the house, including

the cat's; and, seeing Dick the sexton's son go by with an armful of

straw to stuff Guy Fawkes, I ran out, and in my anxiety to make him

share the treat, and learn what the sea is like, I clapped the shell

to his ear so smartly and unexpectedly, that he, thinking me to have

struck him, knocked me down then and there with his bundle of straw.

When he understood the rights of the case, he begged my pardon

handsomely, and gave me two whole treacle-sticks and part of a third

out of his breeches-pocket, in return for which I forgave him freely,

and promised to let him hear the sea roar on every Saturday

half-holiday till farther notice.

"And speaking of Dick and the straw reminds me that my birthday falls

on the fifth of November. From this it came about that I always had to

bear a good many jokes about being burnt as a Guy Fawkes; but, on the

other hand, I was allowed to make a small bonfire of my own, and to

have eight potatoes to roast therein, and eight-pennyworth of crackers

to let off in the evening. A potato and a pennyworth of crackers for

every year of my life.

"On this eighth birthday, having got all the above-named gifts, I

cried, in the fulness of my heart, 'There never was such a day!' And

yet there was more to come, for the evening coach brought me a parcel,

and the parcel was my godmother's picture-book.

"My godmother was a gentlewoman of small means; but she was

accomplished. She could make very spirited sketches, and knew how to

colour them after they were outlined and shaded in Indian ink. She

had a pleasant talent for versifying. She was very industrious. I have

it from her own lips that she copied the figures in my picture-book

from prints in several different houses at which she visited. They

were fancy portraits of characters, most of which were familiar to my

mind. There were Guy Fawkes, Punch, his then Majesty the King, Bogy,

the Man in the Moon, the Clerk of the Weather Office, a Dunce, and Old

Father Christmas. Beneath each sketch was a stanza of my godmother's

own composing.

"My godmother was very ingenious. She had been mainly guided in her

choice of these characters by the prints she happened to meet with, as

she did not trust herself to design a figure. But if she could not get

exactly what she wanted, she had a clever knack of tracing the outline

of an attitude from some engraving, and altering the figure to suit

her purpose in the finished sketch. She was the soul of truthfulness,

and the notes she added to the index of contents in my picture-book

spoke at once for her honesty in avowing obligations, and her

ingenuity in availing herself of opportunities.

"They ran thus:--

No. 1.--GUY FAWKES. Outlined from a figure of a warehouseman

rolling a sherry flask into Mr. Rudd's wine-vaults. I added

the hat, cloak, and boots in the finished drawing.

No. 2.--PUNCH. I sketched him from the life.

No. 3.--HIS MOST GRACIOUS MAJESTY THE KING. On a quart jug

bought in Cheapside.

No. 4.--BOGY, _with bad boys in the bag on his back_.

Outlined from Christian bending under his burden, in my

mother's old copy of the _Pilgrim's Progress_. The face from

Giant Despair.

No. 5 and No. 6.--THE MAN IN THE MOON, and THE CLERK OF THE

WEATHER OFFICE. From a book of caricatures belonging to Dr.

James.

No. 7.--A DUNCE. From a steel engraving framed in rosewood

that hangs in my Uncle Wilkinson's parlour.

No. 8.--OLD FATHER CHRISTMAS. From a German book at Lady

Littleham's.