MRS. YOCOMB'S LETTERS
I will not weary the reader with my experiences after arriving at New
York. I could not have felt worse had I been driven into the Dismal
Swamp. My apartments were dusty and stifling, and as cheerless as my
feelings.
My editorial chief welcomed me cordially, and talked business. "After
you had gone," he was kind enough to say, "we learned your value. Night
work is too wearing for you, so please take that office next to mine. I
feel a little like breaking down myself, and don't intend to wait until
I do, as you did. I shall be off a great deal the rest of the summer,
and you'll have to manage things."
"Pile on work," I said; "I'm greedy for it."
"Yes," he replied, laughing, "I appreciate that rare trait of yours;
but I shall regard you as insubordinate if you don't take proper rest.
Give us your brains, Morton, and leave hack work to others. That's
where you blundered before."
Within an hour I was caught in the whirl of the great complicated
world, and, as I said to Mr. Yocomb, I had indeed no time to mope.
Thank God for work! It's the best antidote this world has for trouble.
But when night came my brain was weary and my heart heavy as lead. It
seemed as if the farmhouse was in another world, so diverse was
everything there from my present life.
I had given my uptown address to Mrs. Yocomb and went home--if I may
apply that term to my dismal boarding-place--Tuesday night, feeling
assured that there must be a letter. Good Mrs. Yocomb had not failed
me, for on my table lay a bulky envelope, addressed in a quaint but
clear hand. I was glad no one saw how my hand trembled as I opened her
missive and read:
"My Dear Richard--I know how anxious thee is for tidings from us all,
and especially from one toward whom thy heart is very tender. I will
take up the sad story where thee left it. Having all the facts, thee
can draw thy own conclusions.
"I found Emily in an almost fainting condition, and I just took her in
my arms and let her cry like a child until tears brought relief. It was
no time for words. Then I brought her into the house and gave her
something that made her sleep in spite of herself. She awoke about an
hour before Gilbert Hearn's arrival, and her nervous trepidation at the
thought of meeting him was so great that I resolved she should not see
him--at least not that night--and I told her so. This gave her great
relief, though she said it was cowardly in her to feel so. But in truth
she was too ill to see him. Her struggle had been too long and severe,
and her nervous system was utterly prostrated. I had Doctor Bates here
when Gilbert Hearn came, and the doctor is very discreet. I told him
that he must manage so that Emily need not see the one she so feared to
meet again, and hinted plainly why, though making no reference to thee,
of course. The doctor acted as I wished, not because I wished it, but
on professional grounds. 'Miss Warren's future health depends on
absolute rest and quiet,' he said to her affianced. 'I not only advise
that you do not see her, but I forbid it,' for he was terribly
excited--so was his sister, Charlotte Bradford--and it was as much as
we could do to keep them from going to her room. If they had, I believe
the excitement would have destroyed either her life or reason. Gilbert
Hearn plainly intimated that something was wrong. 'Very well, then,' I
said, 'bring thy own family physician, and let him consult with Doctor
Bates,' and this he angrily said he would do on the morrow. The very
fact they were in the house made the poor girl almost wild; but I
stayed with her all night, and she just lay in my arms like a
frightened child, and my heart yearned over her as if she were my own
daughter. She did not speak of thee, but I heard her murmur once, 'I
was cruel--I was unjust to him.'
"In the morning she was more composed, and I made her take strong
nourishment, I can tell thee. Thee remembers how I used to dose thee in
spite of thyself.
"Well, in the morning Emily seemed to be thinking deeply; and by and by
she said: 'Mrs. Yocomb, I want this affair settled at once. I want you
to sit by me while I write to him, and advise me.' I felt she was
right. Her words were about as follows: (I asked her if I could tell
thee what she wrote. She hesitated a little, and a faint color came
into her pale face. 'Yes,' she said at last, 'let him know the whole
truth. Since so much has occurred between us, I want him to know
everything. He then may judge me as he thinks best. I have a horror of
any more misunderstanding.')
"'You can never know, Mr. Hearn,' she wrote, 'the pain and sorrow with
which I address to you these words. Still less can you know my shame
and remorse; but you are an honorable man, and have a right to the
truth. My best hope is that when you know how unworthy I am of your
regard your regret will be slight. I recall all your kindness to me,
and my heart is tortured as I now think of the requital I am making.
Still, justice to myself requires that I tell you that I mistook my
gratitude and esteem, my respect and genuine regard, for a deeper
emotion. You will remember, however, that I long hesitated, feeling
instinctively that I could not give you what you had a right to expect.
Last spring you pressed me for a definite answer. I said I would come
to this quiet place and think it all over, and if I did not write you
to the contrary within a few days you might believe that I had yielded
to your wishes. I found myself more worn and weary from my toilsome
life than I imagined. I was lonely; I dreaded my single-handed struggle
with the world, and my heart overflowed with gratitude toward you--it
does still--for your kindness, and for all that you promised to do for
me. I had not the will nor the disposition to say no, or to put you off
any longer. Still I had misgiving; I feared that I did not feel as I
ought. When I received your kind letter accepting my silence as
consent, I felt bound by it--I was bound by it. I have no defence to
make. I can only state the miserable truth. I cannot love you as a wife
ought, and I know now that I never can. I've tried--God knows I've
tried. I'm worn out with the struggle. I fear I am very ill. I wish I
were dead and at rest. I cannot ask you to think mercifully of me. I
cannot think mercifully of myself. To meet again would be only useless
suffering. I am not equal to it. My one effort now is to gain
sufficient strength to go to some distant relatives in the West. Please
forget me. "'In sorrow and bitter regret, "'Emily Warren.'"
I started up and paced the room distractedly. "The generous girl!" I
exclaimed, "she lays not a particle of blame on me. But, by Jove! I'd
like to take all the blame, and have it out with him here and now.
Blame! What blame is there? The poor child! Why can't she see that she
is white as snow?"
Again I eagerly turned to Mrs. Yocomb's words:
"Emily seemed almost overwhelmed at the thought of his reading this
letter. She is so generous, so sensitive, that she saw only his side of
the case, and made scarcely any allowance for herself. I was a little
decided and plain-spoken with her, and it did her good. At last I said
to her, 'I am not weak-minded, if I am simple and plain. Because I live
in the country is no reason why I do not know what is right and just.
Thee has no cause to blame thyself so bitterly.' 'Does Mr. Yocomb feel
and think as you do?' she asked. 'Of course he does,' I replied. She
put her hands to her head and said pitifully, 'Perhaps I am too
distracted to see things clearly. I sometimes fear I may lose my
reason.' 'Well, Emily,' I said, 'thee has done right. Thee cannot help
feeling as thee does, and to go on now would be as great a wrong to
Gilbert Hearn as to thyself. Thee has done just as I would advise my
own daughter to do. Leave all with me. Thee need not see him again. I
am going to stand by thee;' and I left her quite heartened up."
"Oh, but you are a gem of a woman!" I cried. "A few more like you would
bring the millennium."
"Gilbert Hearn was dreadfully taken aback by the letter; but I must do
him the justice to say that he was much touched by it too, for he
called me again into the parlor, and I saw that he was much moved. He
had given his sister the letter to read, and she muttered, 'Poor
thing!' as she finished it. He fixed his eyes sternly on me and said,
'Mr. Morton is at the bottom of this thing.' I returned his gaze very
quietly, and asked, 'What am I to infer by this expression of thy
opinion to me?' His sister was as quick as a flash, and she said
plainly, 'Gilbert, these people were not two little children in Mrs.
Yocomb's care.' 'Thee is right,' I said; 'I have not controlled their
actions any more than I have those of thy brother. Richard Morton is
absent, however, and were we not under peculiar obligations to him I
would still be bound to speak for him, since he is not here to speak
for himself. I have never seen Richard Morton do anything unbecoming a
gentleman. Has thee, Gilbert Hearn? If so, I think thee had better see
him, for he is not one to deny thee any explanation to which thee has a
right.' 'Why did he go to the city so suddenly?' he asked angrily. 'I
will give thee his address,' I said coldly. 'Gilbert,' expostulated his
sister,--we have no right to cross--question Mrs. Yocomb.' 'Since thee
is so considerate,' I said to her, 'I will add that Richard Morton
intended to return on Second Day at the latest, and he chose to go
to-day. His action enables me to give thee a room to thyself.'
'Gilbert,' said the lady, 'I do not see that we have any reason to
regret his absence. As Mrs. Yocomb says, you can see him in New York;
but unless you have well founded and specific charges to make, I think
it would compromise your dignity to see him. Editors are ugly customers
to stir up unless there is good cause.'"
"I know one," I growled, "that would be a particularly ugly customer
just now."
"'In Emily Warren's case,' I said, 'it is different,'" Mrs. Yocomb
continued. "'She is a motherless girl and has appealed to me for advice
and sympathy. In her honest struggle to be loyal to thee she has worn
herself almost to a shadow, and I have grave fears for her reason and
her life, so great is her prostration. She has for thee, Gilbert Hearn,
the sincerest respect and esteem, and the feeling that she has wronged
thee, even though she cannot help it, seems almost to crush her.'
'Gilbert,' said his sister warmly, 'you cannot blame her, and you
certainly ought to respect her. If she were not an honest-hearted girl
she would never have renounced you with your great wealth.' He sank
into a chair and looked very white. 'It's a terrible blow,' he said;
'it's the first severe reverse I've ever had.' 'Well,' she replied, 'I
know from your character that you will meet it like a man and a
gentleman.' 'Certainly,' he said, with a deep breath, 'I cannot do
otherwise.' I then rose and bowed, saying: 'You will both excuse me if
I am with my charge much of the time. Adah will attend to your wants,
and I hope you will feel at home so long as it shall please you to
stay.'"
"By Jove! but her tact was wonderful. Not a diplomat in Europe could
have done better. The innocent-looking Quakeress was a match for them
both."
"Then I went back to Emily," Mrs. Yocomb wrote, "and I found her in a
pitiable state of excitement. When I opened the door she started up
apprehensively, as if she feared that the man with whom she had broken
would burst in upon her with bitter reproaches. I told her everything;
for even I cannot deceive her, she is so quick. Her mind was
wonderfully lightened, and I soon made her sleep again. She awoke in
the evening much quieter, but she cried a good deal in the night, and I
surmise she was thinking of thee more than of herself or of him. I wish
thee had waited until all this was over, but I think all will come out
right."
"Oh, the unutterable fool that I was!" I groaned; "I'm the champion
blunderer of the world."
"Well, Richard, this is the longest letter I ever wrote, and I must
bring it to a close, for my patient needs me. I will write soon again,
and tell thee everything. Goodnight.
"Second Day. P.S.--I left my letter open to add a postscript. Gilbert
Hearn and his sister left this morning. The former at last seemed quite
calm and resigned, and was very polite. His sister was too. She amused
me not a little. I do not think that her heart was greatly set on the
match, and she was not so troubled but that she could take an interest
in our quiet, homely ways. I think we seemed to her like what you city
people call _bric-a-brac_, but she was too much of a lady to let her
curiosity become offensive. She took a great fancy to Adah, especially
as she saw that Adela was very fond of her, and she persuaded her
brother to leave the child here in our care, saying that she was
improving wonderfully. He did not seem at all averse to the plan. Adah
is behaving very nicely, if I do say it, and showed a great deal of
quiet, gentle dignity. She and Charlotte Bradford had a long chat in
the evening about Adela. Adah says, 'Send Richard my love'; and if I
put in all the messages from father, Reuben, and Zillah, they would
fill another sheet.
"I asked Emily if she had any message for thee. She buried her face in
the pillow and murmured, 'Not now, not yet'; but after a moment she
turned toward me, looking white and resolute. 'Tell him,' she said, 'to
forgive me and forget.' Be patient, Richard. Wait. "Thine affectionately,
"Ruth Yocomb."
"Forget!" I shouted. "Yes, when I am annihilated," and I paced my room
for hours. At last, exhausted, I sought such rest as I could obtain,
but my last thought was, "God bless Ruth Yocomb. I could kiss the
ground she had trodden."
The next morning I settled down to my task of waiting and working,
resolving that there must be no more nights like the last, in which I
had wasted a vast amount of vital force. I wrote to Mrs. Yocomb, and
thanked her from a full heart. I sent messages to all the family, and
said, "Tell Adah I shall keep her love warm in my heart, and that I
send her twice as much of mine in return. Like all brothers, I shall
take liberties, and will subscribe in her behalf for the two best
magazines in the city. Give Miss Warren this simple message: The words
I last spoke to her shall ever be true."
I also told Mrs. Yocomb of my promotion, and that I was no longer a
night-owl.
Toward the end of the week came another bulky letter, which I devoured,
letting my dinner grow cold.
"Our life at the farmhouse has become very quiet," she wrote. "Emily
improves slowly, for her nervous system has received a severe strain. I
told her that thee had sent messages to all the family, and asked if
she did not expect one. 'I've no right to any--there's no occasion for
any,' she faltered; but her eyes were very wistful and entreating.
'Well,' I said, 'I must clear my conscience, and since he sent thee
one, I must give it. He writes, 'Say to Miss Warren in reply that the
last words I spoke to her shall ever be true.' I suppose thee knows
what he means,' I said, smiling; 'I don't.' She buried her face in the
pillow again; but I think thy message did her good, for she soon fell
asleep, and looked more peaceful than at any time yet."
At last there came a letter saying, "Emily has left us and gone to a
cousin--a Mrs. Vining--who resides at Columbus, Ohio. She is much
better, but very quiet--very different from her old self. Father put
her on the train, and she will have to change cars only once. 'Emily,'
I said to her, 'thee can not go away without one word for Richard.' She
was deeply moved, but her resolute will gained the mastery. 'I am
trying to act for the best,' she said. 'He has appealed to the future:
the future must prove us both, for there must be no more mistakes.'
'Does thee doubt thyself, Emily?' 'I have reason to doubt myself, Mrs.
Yocomb,' she replied. 'But what does thy heart tell thee?' A deep
solemn look came into her eyes, and after a few moments she said,
'Pardon me, my dear friend, if I do not answer you fully. Indeed, I
would scarcely know how to answer you. I have entered on an experience
that is new and strange to me. I am troubled and frightened at myself.
I want to go away among strangers, where I can think and grow calm. I
want to be alone with my God. I should always be weak and vacillating
here. Moreover, Mr. Morton has formed an impression of me, of which,
perhaps, I cannot complain. This impression may grow stronger in his
mind. It has all been too sudden. His experiences have been too
intermingled with storm, delirium, and passion. He has not had time to
think any more than I have. In the larger sphere of work to which you
say he has been promoted he may find new interests that will be
absorbing. After a quiet and distant retrospect he may thank me for the
course I am taking.' 'Emily!' I exclaimed, 'for so tender-hearted a
girl thee is very strong.' 'No,' she replied, 'but because I have
learned my weakness I am going away from temptation.' I then asked, 'Is
thee willing I should tell Richard what thee has said?' After thinking
for some time she answered, 'Yes, let everything be based on the simple
truth. But tell him he must respect my action--he must leave me to
myself.' The afternoon before she left us, Adah and Reuben went over to
the village and got some beautiful rosebuds, and Adah brought them up
after tea. Emily was much touched, and kissed her again and again. Then
she threw herself into my arms and cried for nearly an hour, but she
went away bravely. I never can think of it with dry eyes. Zillah was
heart-broken, and Reuben clung to her in a way that surprised me. He
has been very remorseful that he treated her badly at one time. Adah
and I were mopping our eyes, and father kept blowing his nose like a
trumpet. She gave way a little at the last moment, for Reuben ran down
to the barn and brought out Dapple that she might say good-by to him,
and she put her arms around the pretty creature's neck and sobbed for a
moment or two. I never saw a horse act so. He followed her right up to
the rockaway steps. At last she said, 'Come, let us go, quick!' I shall
never forget the scene, and I think that she repressed so much feeling
that we had to express it for her. She kissed little Adela tenderly,
and the child was crying too. It seemed as if we couldn't go on and
take up our every-day life again. I wouldn't have believed that one who
was a stranger but a short time ago could have gotten such a hold upon
our hearts, but as I think it all over I do not wonder. Dear little
Zillah reminds me of what I owe to her. She is very womanly, but she is
singularly strong. As she was driven away she looked up at thy window,
so thee may guess that thee was the last one in her thoughts. Wait, and
be patient. Do just as she says."
I am glad that my editorial chief did not see me as I read this letter,
for I fear I should have been deposed at once. Its influence on me,
however, was very satisfactory to him, for if ever a man was put on his
mettle I felt that I had been.
"Very well, Emily Warren," I said, "we have both appealed to the
future: let it judge us." I worked and tried to live as if the girl's
clear dark eyes were always on me, and her last lingering glance at the
window from which I had watched her go to meet the lover that, for my
sake, she could not marry, was a ray of steady sunshine. She did not
realize how unconsciously she had given me hope.
A few days later I looked carefully over our subscription list. Her
paper had been stopped, and I felt this keenly; but as I was staring
blankly at the obliterated name a happy thought occurred to me, and I
turned to the letter V. With a gleam of deep satisfaction in my eyes I
found the address, Mrs. Adelaide Vining, Columbus, Ohio.
"Now through the editorial page I can write to her daily," I thought.
Late in September my chief said to me:
"Look here, Morton, you are pitching into every dragon in the country.
I don't mind fighting three or four evils or abuses at a time, but this
general onslaught is raising a breeze."
"With your permission, I don't care if it becomes a gale, as long as we
are well ballasted with facts."
"Well, to go back to my first figure, be sure you are well armed before
you attack. Some of the beasts are old and tough, and have awful stings
in their tails. The people seem to like it, though, from the way
subscriptions are coming in."
But I wrote chiefly for one reader. He would have opened his eyes if I
had told him that a young music-teacher in Columbus, Ohio, had a large
share in conducting the journal. Over my desk in my rooms I had had
framed, in illuminated text, the words she had spoken to me on the most
memorable day of my life:
"The editor has exceptional opportunities, and might be the
knight-errant of our age. If in earnest, and on the right side, he can
forge a weapon out of public opinion that few evils could resist. He is
in just the position to discover these dragons and drive them from
their hiding-places."
The spirit that breathed in these words I tried to make mine, for I
wished to feel and think as she did. While I maintained my
individuality of thought I never touched a question but that I first
looked at it from her standpoint. I labored for weeks over an editorial
entitled "Truth versus Conscience," and sent it like an arrow into the
West.