WEAKNESS
Soul and body are too nearly related for one to suffer without the
other's sympathy. Mrs. Yocomb mercifully shielded me that evening,
merely saying that I had seen enough company for one day. My sleep that
night resulted from opiates instead of nature's impulses, and so was
unrefreshing, and the doctor was surprised to find a change for the
worse the following morning. For two or three days the scale wavered,
and I scarcely held what I had gained. Mrs. Yocomb rarely left me, and
I believe that I owe my life not only to her excellent nursing, but
even more to her strong moral support--her gentle but unspoken
sympathy. I knew she understood me, and that her mercy was infinite for
my almost mortal weakness; for now that the inexplicable buoyancy which
that chief of earthly hopes imparts was gone, I sank into an abyss of
despondency from which I feared I could never escape. Her wisdom and
intuitive delicacy led her to select Reuben as her chief assistant. I
found his presence very restful; for, so far from suspecting, he could
not understand a wound often more real and painful than any received on
battlefields. I now could not have endured Adah's intent and curious
scrutiny, and yet I deeply appreciated her kindness, for she kept my
table laden with delicate fruits and flowers.
The dainty little vase was replenished daily also with clusters of
roses--roses only--and I soon recognized rare and perfect buds that at
this late season only a florist could supply. The pleasure they gave
was almost counterbalanced by the pain. Their exquisite color and
fragrance suggested a character whose perfection daily made my
disappointment more intolerable. At last Mrs. Yocomb said:
"Richard Morton, is thee doing thy best to get well? Thee's incurring a
grave responsibility if thee is not. Emily Warren is quite alone in the
world and she came to me as to a mother when thee was taken ill, and
told me of thy unfortunate attachment. As thee said, she is not to
blame, and yet such is her kindly and sensitive nature that she suffers
quite as much as if she were wholly to blame. Her life almost depends
on thine. She is growing pale and ill. She eats next to nothing, and I
fear she sleeps but little. She is just waiting in miserable suspense
to see if thee will keep thy word and live. I believe thee _can_ live,
and grow strong and good and noble, if thee will."
"Oh, Mrs. Yocomb, how you must despise me! If you but knew how I loathe
myself."
"No, I'm sorry for thee from the depths of my heart. If thee's doing
thy best, I've not a word to say; but thee should know the truth. As
Emily said, thee has the power either to embitter her life or to add
very much to its happiness."
"Well," I said, "if I have not the strength to overcome this unmanly,
contemptible weakness, I ought to die, and the sooner the better. If
I'm worth life, I shall live."
If ever a weak, nerveless body yielded to an imperious will, mine did.
From that hour, as far as possible, I gave my whole thought to
recovery, and was as solicitous as I before had been apathetic. No
captain could have been more so in regard to his ship, which he fears
may not outride a storm.
I appealed to Dr. Bates to rack his brains in the preparation of the
most effective tonics, I took my food with scrupulous regularity; and
in the effort to oxygenize my thin pale blood, drew long respirations
of the pure summer air. Mrs. Yocomb daily smiled a warmer and more
hearty encouragement.
Under the impetus of a resolute purpose the wheels of life began to
move steadily and at last rapidly toward the goal of health. I soon was
able to sit up part of the day.
As I rallied, I could not help recognizing the richer coloring that
came into the life at the farmhouse, and the fact touched me deeply.
"What is my suffering compared with the happiness of this home?" I
thought. "It would have been brutally selfish to have died."
I now had my letters brought to me. My paper--my first love--was daily
read, and my old interest in its welfare kindled slowly.
"Work," I said, "is the best of antidotes. It shall be my remedy. Men
are respected only as they stand on their feet and work, and I shall
win her respect to the utmost."
Reuben and Adah read to me. The presence of the former, like that of
his father and mother, was very restful; but Adah began to puzzle me.
At first I ascribed her manner to an extravagant sense of gratitude,
and the romantic interest which a young girl might naturally take in
one who had passed with her through peril, and who seemingly had been
dangerously ill in consequence; but I was compelled at last to see that
her regard was not open, frank, and friendly, but shy, absorbing, and
jealous. It gave her unmingled satisfaction that I did not ask for Miss
Warren, and she rarely spoke of her. When she did she watched me
keenly, as if seeking to read my thoughts. Reuben, on the contrary,
spoke freely of her; but, from some restraint placed upon him by his
mother probably, did not ask her to relieve him in his care of me again.
After I began to sit up, Miss Warren would not infrequently come to my
door, when others were present, and smilingly express her gladness that
I was improving daily. Indeed there would often be quite gay repartee
between us, and I think that even Adah was so blinded by our manner
that her suspicions were allayed. It evidently puzzled her, and Reuben
also, that I had apparently lost my interest in one who had such great
attractions for me at first. But Adah was not one to seek long and
deeply for subtle and hidden causes of action. She had a quick eye,
however, for what was apparent, and scanned surfaces narrowly. I fear I
perplexed her as sorely as she did me.
In spite of every effort to remain blind to the truth, I began to fear
that she was inclined to give me a regard which I had not sought, and
which would embarrass me beyond measure.
That a man can exult over a passion in a woman which he cannot requite
is marvellous. That he can look curiously, critically, and complacently
on this most sacred mystery of a woman's soul, that he can care no more
for her delicate incense than would a grim idol, is proof that his
heart is akin to the stony idol in material, and his nature like that
of the gross, cruel divinity represented. The vanity that can feed on
such food has a more depraved appetite than the South Sea Islander, who
is content with human flesh merely. It would seem that there are those
who can smile to see a woman waste the richest treasures of her
spiritual life which were designed to last and sustain through the long
journey of life--ay, and even boast of her immeasurable loss, of which
they, wittingly or unwittingly, have been the cause.
The oddest part of it all is that women can love such men instead of
regarding them as spider-like monsters that, were the doctrine of
transmigration true, would become spiders again as soon as compelled to
drop their human disguise.
But women usually idealize the men they love into something very
different from what they are. Heaven knows that I was not a saint; but
I am glad that it caused me pain, and pain only, as I saw Adah shyly
and almost unconsciously bending on me glances laden with a priceless
gift, which, nevertheless, I could not receive.
Her nature was too simple and direct for disguises, and when she
attempted them they were often so apparent as to be comically pathetic.
And yet she did attempt them. There was nothing bold and unmaidenly in
her manner, and as I look back upon those days I thank God that I was
never so graceless and brutal as to show or feel anything like contempt
for her gentle, childlike preference. Very possibly also my own
unfortunate experience made me more considerate, and it was my policy
to treat her with the same frank, undisguised affection that I
manifested toward Zillah, with, of course, the differences required by
their different ages.
Adah was no longer repulsive to me. The events of that memorable night
of storm and danger, and the experiences that followed, had apparently
awakened her better nature, which, although having a narrow compass,
was gentle and womanly. Her old flippancy was gone. My undisguised
preference for Miss Warren after I had actually made her acquaintance,
and my persistent blindness to everything verging toward sentiment, had
perhaps done something toward dispelling her belief that beauty and
dress were irresistible. Thus she may have been led honestly to compare
herself with Emily Warren, who was not only richly endowed but highly
cultivated; at any rate her small vanity had vanished also, and she was
in contrast as self-distrustful and hesitating in manner as she
formerly had been abrupt and self-asserting. Moreover she had either
lost her interest in her neighbor's petty affairs, or else had been
made to feel that a tendency to gossip was not a captivating trait, and
we heard no more about what this one said or that one wore on her
return from meeting. While her regard was undoubtedly sincere, I felt
and hoped that it was merely a sentiment attendant on her wakening and
fuller spiritual life, rather than an abiding and deep attachment; and
I believed that it would soon be replaced by other interests after my
departure. For my own sake as well as hers I had decided to leave the
farmhouse as speedily as possible, but I soon began to entertain the
theory that I could dispel her dreams better by remaining a little
longer, and by proving that she held the same place in my thoughts as
Zillah, and could possess no other. There would then be no vain
imaginings after I had gone.
I rather wanted to stay until I had fully recovered my health, for I
was beginning to take pride in my self-mastery. If I could regain my
footing, and stand erect in such quiet, manly strength as to change
Miss Warren's sympathy into respect only, I felt that I would achieve a
victory that would be a source of satisfaction for the rest of life.
That I could do this I honestly doubted, for seemingly she had
enthralled my whole being, and her power over me was wellnigh
irresistible.
I knew that she understood Adah even better than I did, and it seemed
her wish to afford the girl every opportunity, for she never came to
ask how I was when Adah was present; and the latter was honest enough
to tell me that it was Miss Warren who had suggested some of the simple
yet interesting stories with which my long hours of convalescence were
beguiled; but in her latent jealousy she could not help adding:
"Since Emily Warren selected them, thee cannot help liking them."
"I certainly ought to like them doubly," I had quietly replied, looking
directly into her eyes, "since I am indebted for them to two friends
instead of one."
"There's a great difference in friends," she said significantly.
"Yes, indeed," I replied, smiling as frankly as if I had been talking
to Zillah; "and your mother is the best friend I have or ever expect to
have."
Adah had sighed deeply, and had gone on with her reading in a girlish,
plaintive voice that was quite different from her ordinary tones.
Unconsciously she had imbibed the idea--probably from what she often
heard at meeting--that anything read or spoken consecutively must be in
a tone different from that used in ordinary conversation, and she
always lifted up her voice into an odd, plaintive little monotone, that
was peculiar, but not at all disagreeable. It would not have been
natural in another, but was perfectly so to her, and harmonized with
her unique character. The long words even in the simple stories were
often formidable obstacles, and she would look up apprehensively, and
color for fear I might be laughing at her; but I took pains to gaze
quietly through the window in serene unconsciousness. She also stumbled
because her thoughts evidently were often far away from her book, but
at my cordial thanks when finishing the story her face would glow with
pleasure. And yet she missed something in my thanks, or else saw, in
the quiet manner with which I turned to my letters or paper, that which
was unsatisfactory, and she would sigh as she left the room. Her
gentle, patient efforts to please me, which oddly combined maidenly
shyness and childlike simplicity, often touched the depths of my heart,
and the thought came more than once, "If this is more than a girlish
fancy, and time proves that I am essential to her happiness--which is
extremely doubtful--perhaps I can give her enough affection to content
a nature like hers."
But one glimpse of Emily Warren would banish this thought, for it
seemed as if my very soul were already wedded to her. "The thought of
another is impossible," I would mutter. "She was my fate."
Four or five of the days during which I had been sufficiently strong to
sit up had passed away, and I was able to give more of my time to my
mail and paper, and thus to seem preoccupied when Adah came to read. I
found Zillah also a useful though unconscious ally, and I lured her
into my room by innumerable stories. Reuben and Mr. Yocomb were now
very busy in their harvest, and I saw them chiefly in the evening, but
they were too tired to stay long. Time often hung wofully heavy on my
hands, and I longed to be out of doors again; but Mrs. Yocomb was
prudently inexorable. I am sure that she restrained Adah a great deal,
for she grew less and less demonstrative in manner, and I was left more
to myself.
Thus a week passed. It was Saturday morning, and between the harvest
without and preparations for Sunday within, all the inmates of the
farmhouse were very busy. The forenoon had wellnigh passed. I had
exhausted every expedient to kill time, and was looking on the
landscape shimmering in the fierce sunlight with an apathy that was
dull and leaden in contrast, when a low knock caused me to look up; but
instead of Adah, as I expected, Miss Warren stood in the doorway.
"They are all so busy to-day," she said hesitatingly, "that I thought I
might help you pass an hour or two. It seems too bad that you should be
left to yourself so long."
To my disgust, I--who had resolved to be so strong and self-poised in
her presence--felt that every drop of blood in my body had rushed into
my face. It certainly must have been very apparent, for her color
became vivid also.
"I fear I was having a stupid time," I began awkwardly. "I don't want
to make trouble. Perhaps Mrs. Yocomb needs your help."
"No," she said, smiling, "you can't banish me on that ground. I've been
helping Mrs. Yocomb all the morning. She's teaching me how to cook.
I've succeeded in proving that the family would have a fit of
indigestion that might prove fatal were it wholly dependent on my
performances."
"Tell me what you made?" I said eagerly. "Am I to have any of it for my
dinner?"
"Indeed you are not. Dr. Bates would have me indicted."
She looked at me with solicitude, for although I had laughed with her I
felt ill and faint. Despairingly, I thought, "I cannot see her and
live. I must indeed go away."
"So you are coming downstairs to-morrow?" she began. "We shall give yon
a welcome that ought to make any man proud. Mrs. Yocomb is all aglow
with her preparations."
"I wish they wouldn't do so," I said, in a pained tone. "I'd much
rather slip quietly into my old place as if nothing had happened."
"I imagined you would feel so, Mr. Morton," she said gently; "but so
much has happened that you must let them express their abounding
gratitude in their own way. It will do them good, and they will be the
happier for it."
"Indeed, Miss Warren, that very word gratitude oppresses me. There is
no occasion for their feeling so. Why, Hiram, their man, could not have
done less. I merely happened to be here. It's all the other way now. If
ever a man was overwhelmed with kindness, I have been. How can I ever
repay Mrs. Yocomb?"
"I am equally helpless in that respect; but I'm glad to think that
between some of our friends the question of repaying may be forgotten.
I never expect to repay Mrs. Yocomb."
"Has she done so much for you, also?"
"Yes, more than I can tell you."
"Well," I said, trying to laugh, "if I ever write another paragraph it
will be due to her good nursing."
"That is my chief cause for gratitude," she said hurriedly, the color
deepening again in her cheeks. "If you hadn't--if--I know of your brave
effort to get well, too--she told me."
"Yes, Miss Warren," I said quietly, "I am now doing my best."
"And you are doing nobly--so nobly that I am tempted to give you a
strong proof of friendship; to tell you what I have not told any one
except Mrs. Yocomb. I feel as if I had rather you heard it from me than
casually from others. It will show how--how I trust you."
My very heart seemed to stand still, and I think my pallor alarmed her;
but feeling that she had gone too far, she continued hurriedly, taking
a letter from her pocket:
"I expect my friend to-night. He's been absent, and now writes that he
will--"
I shrank involuntarily as if from a blow, and with her face full of
distress she stopped abruptly.
Summoning the whole strength of my manhood, I rallied sufficiently to
say, in a voice that I knew was unnatural from the stress I was under:
"I congratulate you. I trust you may be very happy."
"I had hoped--" she began. "I would be if I saw that you were happy."
"You are always hoping," I replied, trying to laugh, "that I may become
sane and rational. Haven't you given that up yet? I shall be very happy
to-morrow, and will drink to the health of you both."
She looked at me very dubiously, and the trouble in her face did not
pass away. "Let me read to you," she said abruptly. "I brought with me
Hawthorne's 'Mosses from an Old Manse.' They are not too familiar, I
trust?"
"I cannot hear them too often," I said, nerving myself as if for
torture.
She began to read that exquisite little character study, "The Great
Stone Face." Her voice was sweet and flexible, and varied with the
thought as if the words had been set to music. At first I listened with
delight to hear my favorite author so perfectly interpreted; but soon,
too soon, every syllable added to my sense of unutterable loss.
Possibly she intuitively felt my distress, possibly she saw it as I
tried to look as stoical as an Indian chief who is tortured on every
side with burning brands. At any rate she stopped, and said
hesitatingly:
"You--you do not enjoy my reading."
With a rather grim smile I replied: "Nothing but the truth will answer
with you. I must admit I do not."
"Would--would you like to hear something else?" she asked, in evident
embarrassment.
"Nothing is better than Hawthorne," I said. "I--I fear I'm not yet
strong enough." Then, after a second's hesitation, I spoke out
despairingly: "Miss Warren, I may as well recognize the truth at once,
I never shall be strong enough. I've overrated myself. Good-by."
She trembled; tears came into her eyes, and she silently left the room.
So abrupt was her departure that it seemed like a flight.
After she had gone I tottered to my feet, with an imprecation on my
weakness, and I took an amount of stimulant that Dr. Bates would never
have prescribed; but it had little effect. In stony, sullen protest at
my fate, I sat down again, and the hours passed like eternities.