This Money certainly is a most devilish Thing! I'm sure the Want of it
had like to have ruin'd my dear _Philibella_, in her Love to _Valentine
Goodland_; who was really a pretty deserving Gentleman, Heir to about
fifteen hundred Pounds a Year; which, however, did not so much recommend
him, as the Sweetness of his Temper, the Comeliness of his Person, and
the Excellency of his Parts: In all which Circumstances my obliging
Acquaintance equal'd him, unless in the Advantage of their Fortune. Old
Sir _George Goodland_ knew of his Son's Passion for _Philibella_; and
tho' he was generous, and of a Humour sufficiently complying, yet he
could by no means think it convenient, that his only Son should marry
with a young Lady of so slender a Fortune as my Friend, who had not
above five hundred Pound, and that the Gift of her Uncle Sir _Philip
Friendly_: tho' her Virtue and Beauty might have deserv'd, and have
adorn'd the Throne of an _Alexander_ or a _Caesar_.
Sir _Philip_ himself, indeed, was but a younger Brother, tho' of a good
Family, and of a generous Education; which, with his Person, Bravery,
and Wit, recommended him to his Lady _Philadelphia_, Widow of Sir
_Bartholomew Banquier_, who left her possess'd of two thousand Pounds
_per Annum_, besides twenty thousand Pounds in Money and Jewels; which
oblig'd him to get himself dubb'd, that she might not descend to an
inferior Quality. When he was in Town, he liv'd--let me see! in the
_Strand_; or, as near as I can remember, somewhere about
_Charing-Cross_; where first of all Mr. _Would-be King_, a Gentleman of
a large Estate in Houses, Land and Money, of a haughty, extravagant and
profuse Humour, very fond of every new Face, had the Misfortune to fall
passionately in love with _Philibella_, who then liv'd with her Uncle.
This Mr. _Would-be_ it seems had often been told, when he was yet a
Stripling, either by one of his Nurses, or his own Grandmother, or by
some other Gypsy, that he should infallibly be what his Sirname imply'd,
a King, by Providence or Chance, ere he dy'd, or never. This glorious
Prophecy had so great an Influence on all his Thoughts and Actions, that
he distributed and dispers'd his Wealth sometimes so largely, that one
would have thought he had undoubtedly been King of some Part of the
_Indies_; to see a Present made to-day of a Diamond Ring, worth two or
three hundred Pounds, to Madam _Flippant_; to-morrow, a large Chest of
the finest _China_ to my Lady _Fleecewell_; and next Day, perhaps,
a rich Necklace of large Oriental Pearl, with a Locket to it of
Saphires, Emeralds, Rubies, &c., to pretty Miss _Ogle-me_, for an
amorous Glance, for a Smile, and (it may be, tho' but rarely) for the
mighty Blessing of one single Kiss. But such were his Largesses, not to
reckon his Treats, his Balls, and Serenades besides, tho' at the same
time he had marry'd a virtuous Lady, and of good Quality: But her
Relation to him (it may be fear'd) made her very disagreeable: For a Man
of his Humour and Estate can no more be satisfy'd with one Woman, than
with one Dish of Meat; and to say Truth, 'tis something unmodish.
However, he might have dy'd a pure Celibate, and altogether unexpert of
Women, had his good or bad Hopes only terminated in Sir _Philip's_
Niece. But the brave and haughty Mr. _Would-be_ was not to be baulk'd by
Appearances of Virtue, which he thought all Womankind only did affect;
besides, he promis'd himself the Victory over any Lady whom he
attempted, by the Force of his damn'd Money, tho' her Virtue were ever
so real and strict.
With _Philibella_ he found another pretty young Creature, very like her,
who had been a _quondam_ Mistress to Sir _Philip_: He, with young
_Goodland_, was then diverting his Mistress and Niece at a Game at
Cards, when _Would-be_ came to visit him; he found 'em very merry, with
a Flask or two of Claret before 'em, and Oranges roasting by a large
Fire, for it was _Christmas-time_. The Lady _Friendly_ understanding
that this extraordinary Man was with Sir _Philip_ in the Parlour, came
in to 'em, to make the number of both Sexes equal, as well as in Hopes
to make up a Purse of Guineas toward the Purchase of some new fine
Business that she had in her Head, from his accustom'd Design of losing
at Play to her. Indeed, she had Part of her Wish, for she got twenty
Guineas of him; _Philibella_ ten; and _Lucy_, Sir _Philip's_ quondam,
five: Not but that _Would-be_ intended better Fortune to the young ones,
than he did to Sir _Philip's_ Lady; but her Ladyship was utterly
unwilling to give him over to their Management, tho' at the last, when
they were all tir'd with the Cards, after _Would-be_ had said as many
obliging things as his present Genius would give him leave, to
_Philibella_ and _Lucy_, especially to the first, not forgetting his
Baisemains to the Lady _Friendly_, he bid the Knight and _Goodland_
adieu; but with a Promise of repeating his Visit at six a-clock in the
Evening on _Twelfth-Day_, to renew the famous and antient Solemnity of
chusing King and Queen; to which Sir _Philip_ before invited him, with a
Design yet unknown to you, I hope.
As soon as he was gone, every one made their Remarks on him, but with
very little or no Difference in all their Figures of him. In short, all
Mankind, had they ever known him, would have universally agreed in this
his Character, That he was an Original; since nothing in Humanity was
ever so vain, so haughty, so profuse, so fond, and so ridiculously
ambitious, as Mr. _Would-be King_. They laugh'd and talk'd about an Hour
longer, and then young _Goodland_ was oblig'd to see _Lucy_ home in his
Coach; tho' he had rather have sat up all Night in the same House with
_Philibella_, I fancy, of whom he took but an unwilling Leave; which was
visible enough to every one there, since they were all acquainted with
his Passion for my fair Friend.
About twelve a-clock on the Day prefix'd, young _Goodland_ came to dine
with Sir _Philip_, whom he found just return'd from Court, in a very
good Humour. On the Sight of _Valentine_, the Knight ran to him, and
embracing him, told him, That he had prevented his Wishes, in coming
thither before he sent for him, as he had just then design'd. The other
return'd, that he therefore hoped he might be of some Service to him, by
so happy a Prevention of his intended Kindness. No doubt (reply'd Sir
_Philip_) the Kindness, I hope, will be to us both; I am assur'd it
will, if you will act according to my Measures. I desire no better
Prescriptions for my Happiness (return'd _Valentine_) than what you
shall please to set down to me: But is it necessary or convenient that I
should know 'em first? It is, (answer'd Sir _Philip_) let us sit, and
you shall understand 'em.--I am very sensible (continu'd he) of your
sincere and honourable Affection and Pretension to my Niece, who,
perhaps, is as dear to me as my own Child could be, had I one; nor am I
ignorant how averse Sir _George_ your Father is to your Marriage with
her, insomuch that I am confident he would disinherit you immediately
upon it, merely for want of a Fortune somewhat proportionable to your
Estate: but I have now contrived the Means to add two or three thousand
Pounds to the five hundred I have design'd to give with her; I mean, if
you marry her, _Val_, not otherwise; for I will not labour so for any
other Man. What inviolable Obligations you put upon me! (cry'd
_Goodland_.) No Return, by way of Compliments, good _Val_, (said the
Knight:) Had I not engag'd to my Wife, before Marriage, that I would not
dispose of any part of what she brought me, without her Consent, I would
certainly make _Philibella's_ Fortune answerable to your Estate: And
besides, my Wife is not yet full eight and twenty, and we may therefore
expect Children of our own, which hinders me from proposing any thing
more for the Advantage of my Niece.--But now to my Instructions;--_King_
will be here this Evening without fail, and, at some Time or other
to-night, will shew the Haughtiness of his Temper to you, I doubt not,
since you are in a manner a Stranger to him: Be sure therefore you seem
to quarrel with him before you part, but suffer as much as you can first
from his Tongue; for I know he will give you Occasions enough to
exercise your passive Valour. I must appear his Friend, and you must
retire Home, if you please, for this Night, but let me see you as early
as your Convenience will permit to-morrow: my late Friend _Lucy_ must be
my Niece too. Observe this, and leave the rest to me. I shall most
punctually, and will in all things be directed by you, (said
_Valentine_.) I had forgot to tell you (said _Friendly_) that I have so
order'd matters, that he must be King to-night, and _Lucy_ Queen, by the
Lots in the Cake. By all means (return'd _Goodland_;) it must be
Majesty.
Exactly at six a'clock came _Wou'd-be_ in his Coach and six, and found
Sir _Philip_, and his Lady, _Goodland_, _Philibella_, and _Lucy_ ready
to receive him; _Lucy_ as fine as a Dutchess, and almost as beautiful as
she was before her Fall. All things were in ample Order for his
Entertainment. They play'd till Supper was serv'd in, which was between
eight and nine. The Treat was very seasonable and splendid. Just as the
second Course was set on the Table, they were all on a sudden surpriz'd,
except _Would-be_, with a Flourish of Violins, and other Instruments,
which proceeded to entertain 'em with the best and newest Airs in the
last new Plays, being then in the Year 1683. The Ladies were curious to
know to whom they ow'd the chearful part of their Entertainment: On
which he call'd out, Hey! _Tom Farmer! Ale-worth! Eccles! Hall!_ and the
rest of you! Here's a Health to these Ladies, and all this honourable
Company. They bow'd; he drank, and commanded another Glass to be fill'd,
into which he put something yet better than the Wine, I mean, ten
Guineas: Here, _Farmer_, (said he then) this for you and your Friends.
We humbly thank the honourable Mr. _Would-be King_. They all return'd,
and struck up with more Spriteliness than before. For Gold and Wine,
doubtless, are the best Rosin for Musicians.
After Supper they took a hearty Glass or two to the King, Queen, Duke,
&c. And then the mighty Cake, teeming with the Fate of this
extraordinary Personage, was brought in, the Musicians playing an
Overture at the Entrance of the _Alimental Oracle_; which was then cut
and consulted, and the royal Bean and Pea fell to those to whom Sir
_Philip_ had design'd 'em. 'Twas then the Knight began a merry Bumper,
with three Huzza's, and, _Long live King +Would-be!+_ to _Goodland_, who
echo'd and pledg'd him, putting the Glass about to the harmonious
Attendants; while the Ladies drank their own Quantities among
themselves, _To his aforesaid Majesty_. Then of course you may believe
Queen _Lucy's_ Health went merrily round, with the same Ceremony: After
which he saluted his Royal Consort, and condescended to do the same
Honour to the two other Ladies.
Then they fell a dancing, like Lightning; I mean, they mov'd as swift,
and made almost as little Noise; But his Majesty was soon weary of that;
for he long'd to be making love both to _Philibella_ and _Lucy_, who
(believe me) that Night might well enough have passed for a Queen.
They fell then to Questions and Commands; to cross Purposes: _I think a
Thought, what is it like?_ &c. In all which, his _Would-be_ Majesty took
the Opportunity of shewing the Excellency of his Parts, as, How fit he
was to govern! How dextrous at mining and countermining! and, How he
could reconcile the most contrary and distant Thoughts! The Musick, at
last, good as it was, grew troublesome and too loud; which made him
dismiss them: And then he began to this effect, addressing himself to
_Philibella_: Madam, had Fortune been just, and were it possible that
the World should be govern'd and influenc'd by two Suns, undoubtedly we
had all been Subjects to you, from this Night's Chance, as well as to
that Lady, who indeed alone can equal you in the Empire of Beauty, which
yet you share with her Majesty here present, who only could dispute it
with you, and is only superior to you in Title. My Wife is infinitely
oblig'd to your Majesty, (interrupted Sir _Philip_) who in my Opinion,
has greater Charms, and more than both of them together. You ought to
think so, Sir _Philip_ (returned the new dubb'd King) however you should
not liberally have express'd your self, in Opposition and Derogation to
Majesty:--Let me tell you 'tis a saucy Boldness that thus has loos'd
your Tongue!--What think you, young Kinsman and Counsellor? (said he to
_Goodland_.) With all Respect due to your sacred Title, (return'd
_Valentene_, rising and bowing) Sir _Philip_ spoke as became a truly
affectionate Husband; and it had been Presumption in him, unpardonable,
to have seem'd to prefer her Majesty, or that other sweet Lady, in his
Thoughts, since your Majesty has been pleas'd to say so much and so
particularly of their Merits: 'Twould appear as if he durst lift up his
Eyes, with Thoughts too near the Heaven you only would enjoy. And only
can deserve, you should have added, (said _King_, no longer _Would-be_.)
How! may it please your Majesty (cry'd _Friendly_) both my Nieces! tho'
you deserve ten thousand more, and better, would your Majesty enjoy them
both? Are they then both your Nieces? (asked Chance's King). Yes, both,
Sir (return'd the Knight,) her Majesty's the eldest, and in that Fortune
has shewn some Justice. So she has (reply'd the titular Monarch): My Lot
is fair (pursu'd he) tho' I can be bless'd but with one.
_Let Majesty with Majesty be join'd,
To get and leave a Race of Kings behind._
Come, Madam (continued he, kissing _Lucy_,) this, as an Earnest of our
future Endeavours. I fear (return'd the pretty Queen) your Majesty will
forget the unhappy _Statira_, when you return to the Embraces of your
dear and beautiful _Roxana_. There is none beautiful but you (reply'd
the titular King) unless this Lady, to whom I yet could pay my Vows most
zealously, were't not that Fortune has thus pre-engaged me. But, Madam
(continued he) to shew that still you hold our Royal Favour, and that,
next to our Royal Consort, we esteem you, we greet you thus (kissing
_Philibella_;) and as a Signal of our continued Love, wear this rich
Diamond: (here he put a Diamond Ring on her Finger, worth three hundred
Pounds.) Your Majesty (pursu'd he to _Lucy_) may please to wear this
Necklace, with this Locket of Emeralds. Your Majesty is bounteous as a
God! (said _Valentine_.) Art thou in Want, young Spark? (ask'd the King
of _Bantam_) I'll give thee an Estate shall make thee merit the Mistress
of thy Vows, be she who she will. That is my other Niece, Sir, (cry'd
_Friendly_.) How! how! presumptious Youth! How are thy Eyes and Thoughts
exalted? ha! To Bliss your Majesty must never hope for, (reply'd
_Goodland_.) How now! thou Creature of the basest Mold! Not hope for
what thou dost aspire to! _Mock-King_; thou canst not, dar'st not, shalt
not hope it: (return'd _Valentine_ in a heat.) Hold, _Val_, (cry'd Sir
_Philip_) you grow warm, forget your Duty to their Majesties, and abuse
your Friends, by making us suspected. Good-night, dear _Philibella_, and
my Queen! Madam, I am your Ladyship's Servant (said _Goodland_:)
Farewel, Sir _Philip_: Adieu, thou Pageant! thou Property-King! I shall
see thy Brother on the Stage ere long; but first I'll visit thee: and in
the meantime, by way of Return to thy proffer'd Estate, I shall add a
real Territory to the rest of thy empty Titles; for from thy Education,
barbarous manner of Conversation, and Complexion, I think I may justly
proclaim thee, _King of +Bantam+_--So, _Hail, King that Would-be! Hail
thou King of +Christmas+! All-hail, Wou'd-be King of +Bantam+_--and so
he left 'em.--They all seem'd amazed, and gaz'd on one another, without
speaking a Syllable; 'till Sir _Philip_ broke the Charm, and sigh'd out,
Oh, the monstrous Effects of Passion! Say rather, Oh, the foolish
Effects of a mean Education! (interrupted his Majesty of _Bantam_.) For
Passions were given us for Use, Reason to govern and direct us in the
Use, and Education to cultivate and refine that Reason. But (pursu'd he)
for all his Impudence to me, which I shall take a time to correct, I am
oblig'd to him, that at last he has found me out a Kingdom to my Title;
and if I were Monarch of that Place (believe me, Ladies) I would make
you all Princesses and Duchesses; and thou, my old Companion,
_Friendly_, should rule the Roast with me. But these Ladies should be
with us there, where we could erect Temples and Altars to 'em; build
Golden Palaces of Love, and Castles--in the Air (interrupted her
Majesty, _Lucy_ I. smiling.) 'Gad take me (cry'd King _Wou'd-be_) thou
dear Partner of my Greatness, and shalt be, of all my Pleasures! thy
pretty satirical Observation has oblig'd me beyond Imitation.' I think
your Majesty is got into a Vein of Rhiming to-night, (said
_Philadelphia_.) Ay! Pox of that young insipid Fop, we could else have
been as great as an Emperor of _China_, and as witty as _Horace_ in his
Wine; but let him go, like a pragmatical, captious, giddy Fool as he is!
I shall take a Time to see him. Nay, Sir, (said _Philibella_) he has
promis'd your Majesty a Visit in our Hearing. Come, Sir, I beg your
Majesty to pledge me this Glass to your long and happy Reign; laying
aside all Thoughts of ungovern'd Youth: Besides, this Discourse must
needs be ungrateful to her Majesty, to whom, I fear, he will be marry'd
within this Month! How! (cry'd _King and no King_) married to my Queen!
I must not, cannot suffer it! Pray restrain your self a little, Sir
(said Sir _Philip_) and when once these Ladies have left us, I will
discourse your Majesty further about this Business. Well, pray, Sir
_Philip_, (said his Lady) let not your Worship be pleas'd to sit up too
long for his Majesty: About five o'Clock I shall expect you; 'tis your
old Hour. And yours, Madam, to wake to receive me coming to Bed--Your
Ladyship understands me, (return'd _Friendly_.) You're merry, my Love,
you're merry, (cry'd _Philadelphia_:) Come, Niece, to Bed! to Bed! Ay,
(said the Knight) Go, both of you and sleep together, if you can,
without the Thoughts of a Lover, or a Husband. His Majesty was pleas'd
to wish them a good Repose; and so, with a Kiss, they parted for that
time.
Now we're alone (said Sir _Philip_) let me assure you, Sir, I resent
this Affront done to you by Mr. _Goodland_, almost as highly as you can:
and tho' I can't wish that you should take such Satisfaction, as perhaps
some other hotter Sparks would; yet let me say, his Miscarriage ought
not to go unpunish'd in him. Fear not (reply'd t'other) I shall give him
a sharp Lesson. No, Sir (return'd _Friendly_) I would not have you think
of a bloody Revenge; for 'tis that which possibly he designs on you:
I know him brave as any Man. However, were it convenient that the Sword
should determine betwixt you, you should not want mine: The Affront is
partly to me, since done in my House; but I've already laid down safer
Measures for us, tho' of more fatal Consequence to him: that is, I've
form'd them in my Thoughts. Dismiss your Coach and Equipage, all but one
Servant, and I will discourse it to you at large. 'Tis now past Twelve;
and if you please, I would invite you to take up as easy a Lodging here,
as my House will afford. (Accordingly they were dismiss'd, and he
proceeded:)--As I hinted to you before, he is in love with my youngest
Niece, _Philibella_; but her Fortune not exceeding five hundred Pound,
his Father will assuredly disinherit him, if he marries her: tho' he has
given his Consent that he should marry her eldest Sister, whose Father
dying ere he knew his Wife was with child of the youngest, left _Lucy_
three thousand Pounds, being as much as he thought convenient to match
her handsomly; and accordingly the Nuptials of young _Goodland_ and
_Lucy_ are to be celebrated next _Easter_. They shall not, if I can
hinder them (interrupted his offended Majesty.) Never endeavour the
Obstruction (said the Knight) for I'll shew you the Way to a dearer
Vengeance: Women are Women, your Majesty knows; she may be won to your
Embraces before that time, and then you antedate him your Creature.
A Cuckold, you mean (cry'd King in Fancy:) O exquisite Revenge! but can
you consent that I should attempt it? What is't to me? We live not in
_Spain_, where all the Relations of the Family are oblig'd to vindicate
a Whore: No, I would wound him in his most tender Part. But how shall we
compass it? (ask'd t'other.) Why thus, throw away three thousand Pounds
on the youngest Sister, as a Portion, to make her as happy as she can be
in her new Lover, Sir _Frederick Flygold_, an extravagant young Fop, and
wholly given over to Gaming; so, ten to one, but you may retrieve your
Money of him, and have the two Sisters at your Devotion. Oh, thou my
better Genius than that which was given to me by Heaven at my Birth!
What Thanks, what Praises shall I return and sing to thee for this!
(cry'd King _Conundrum_.) No Thanks, no Praises, I beseech your Majesty,
since in this I gratify my self--You think I am your Friend? and, you
will agree to this? (said _Friendly_, by way of Question.) Most readily,
(returned the Fop King:) Would it were broad Day, that I might send for
the Money to my Banker's; for in all my Life, in all my Frolicks,
Encounters and Extravagances, I never had one so grateful, and so
pleasant as this will be, if you are in earnest, to gratify both my Love
and Revenge! That I am in earnest, you will not doubt, when you see with
what Application I shall pursue my Design: In the mean Time, _My Duty to
your Majesty; To our good Success in this Affair_. While he drank,
t'other return'd, _With all my Heart_; and pledg'd him. Then _Friendly_
began afresh: Leave the whole Management of this to me; only one thing
more I think necessary, that you make a Present of five hundred Guineas
to her Majesty, the Bride that must be. By all means (return'd the
wealthy King of _Bantam_;) I had so design'd before. Well, Sir (said Sir
_Philip_) what think you of a set Party or two at _Piquet_, to pass away
a few Hours, till we can sleep? A seasonable and welcome Proposition
(returned the King;) but I won't play above twenty Guineas the Game, and
forty the Lurch. Agreed (said _Friendly_;) first call in your Servant;
mine is here already. The Slave came in, and they began, with unequal
Fortune at first; for the Knight had lost a hundred Guineas to Majesty,
which he paid in Specie; and then propos'd fifty Guineas the Game, and a
hundred the Lurch. To which t'other consented; and without winning more
than three Games, and those not together, made shift to get three
thousand two hundred Guineas in debt to Sir _Philip_; for which Majesty
was pleas'd to give him Bond, whether _Friendly_ would or no,
_Seal'd and deliver'd in the Presence of_,
The Mark of (_W._) _Will. Watchful_.
And, (_S_) _Sim. Slyboots_.
A couple of delicate Beagles, their mighty Attendants.
It was then about the Hour that Sir _Philip's_ (and, it may be, other
Ladies) began to yawn and stretch; when the Spirits refresh'd, troul'd
about, and tickled the Blood with Desires of Action; which made Majesty
and Worship think of a Retreat to Bed: where in less than half an Hour,
or before ever he cou'd say his Prayers, I'm sure the first fell fast
asleep; but the last, perhaps, paid his accustom'd Devotion, ere he
begun his Progress to the Shadow of Death. However, he waked earlier
than his Cully Majesty, and got up to receive young _Goodland_, who came
according to his Word, with the first Opportunity. Sir _Philip_ receiv'd
him with more than usual Joy, tho' not with greater Kindness, and let
him know every Syllable and Accident that had pass'd between them till
they went to Bed: which you may believe was not a little pleasantly
surprizing to _Valentine_, who began then to have some Assurance of his
Happiness with _Philibella_. His Friend told him, that he must now be
reconcil'd to his _Mock-Majesty_, tho' with some Difficulty; and so
taking one hearty Glass a-piece, he left _Valentine_ in the Parlour to
carry the ungrateful News of his Visit to him that Morning. King ----
was in an odd sort of taking, when he heard that _Valentine_ was below;
and had been, as Sir _Philip_ inform'd _Majesty_, at _Majesty's_ Palace,
to enquire for him there: But when he told him, that he had already
school'd him on his own Behalf, for the Affront done in his House, and
that he believ'd he could bring his Majesty off without any loss of
present Honour, his Countenance visibly discover'd his past Fear, and
present Satisfaction; which was much encreas'd too, when _Friendly_
shewing him his Bond for the Money he won of him at play, let him know,
that if he paid three thousand Guineas to _Philibella_, he would
immediately deliver him up his Bond, and not expect the two hundred
Guineas overplus. His Majesty of _Bantam_ was then in so good a Humour,
that he could have made Love to Sir _Philip_; nay, I believe he could
have kiss'd _Valentine_, instead of seeming angry. Down they came, and
saluted like Gentlemen: But after the Greeting was over, _Goodland_
began to talk something of Affront, Satisfaction, Honour, _&c._ when
immediately _Friendly_ interpos'd, and after a little seeming Uneasiness
and Reluctancy, reconcil'd the hot and cholerick Youth to the cold
phlegmatick King.
Peace was no sooner proclaim'd, than the King of _Bantam_ took his Rival
and late Antagonist with him in his own Coach, not excluding Sir
_Philip_ by any means, to _Locket's_, where they din'd: Thence he would
have 'em to Court with him, where he met the Lady _Flippant_, the Lady
_Harpy_, the Lady _Crocodile_, Madam _Tattlemore_, Miss _Medler_, Mrs.
_Gingerly_, a rich Grocer's Wife, and some others, besides Knights and
Gentlemen of as good Humours as the Ladies; all whom he invited to a
Ball at his own House, the Night following; his own Lady being then in
the Country. Madam _Tattlemore_, I think was the first he spoke to in
Court, and whom first he surpriz'd with the happy News of his
Advancement to the Title of King of _Bantam_. How wondrous hasty was she
to be gone, as soon as she heard it! 'Twas not in her Power, because not
in her Nature, to stay long enough to take a civil Leave of the Company;
but away she flew, big with the empty Title of a fantastick King,
proclaiming it to every one of her Acquaintance, as she passed through
every Room, till she came to the _Presence-Chamber_, where she only
whisper'd it; but her Whispers made above half the honourable Company
quit the Presence of the King of _Great-Britain_, to go make their Court
to his Majesty of _Bantam_: some cry'd, _God bless your Majesty!_ Some
_Long live the King of +Bantam+!_ Others, _All Hail to your Sacred
Majesty_; In short, he was congratulated on all Sides. Indeed I don't
hear that his Majesty King _Charles_ II. ever sent an Ambassador to
compliment him; tho' possibly, he saluted him by his Title the first
time he saw him afterwards: For, you know, he is a wonderful
good-natur'd and well-bred Gentleman.
After he thought the Court of _England_ was universally acquainted with
his mighty Honour, he was pleas'd to think fit to retire to his own more
private Palace, with Sir _Philip_ and _Goodland_, whom he entertain'd
that Night very handsomly, till about seven o'Clock; when they went
together to the Play, which was that Night, _A King and no King_. His
Attendant-Friends could not forbear smiling, to think how aptly the
Title of the Play suited his Circumstances. Nor could he choose but take
Notice of it behind the Scenes, between Jest and Earnest; telling the
Players how kind Fortune had been the Night past, in disposing the Bean
to him; and justifying what one of her Prophetesses had foretold some
Years since. I shall now no more regard (said he) that old doating
Fellow _Pythagoras's_ Saying _Abstineto a Fabis_, That is, (added he, by
way of Construction) _Abstain from Beans_: for I find the Excellency of
'em in Cakes and Dishes; from the first, they inspire the Soul with
mighty Thoughts; and from the last our Bodies receive a strong and
wholesom Nourishment. That is, (said a Wag among those sharp Youths,
I think 'twas my Friend the Count) these puff you up in Mind, Sir, those
in Body. They had some further Discourse among the Nymphs of the Stage,
ere they went into the Pit; where Sir _Philip_ spread the News of his
Friend's Accession to the Title, tho' not yet to the Throne of _Bantam_;
upon which he was there again complimented on that Occasion. Several of
the Ladies and Gentlemen who saluted him, he invited to the next Night's
Ball at his Palace.
The Play done, they took each of them a Bottle at the _Rose_, and parted
till Seven the Night following; which came not sooner than desired: for
he had taken such Care, that all things were in readiness before Eight,
only he was not to expect the Musick till the End of the Play. About
Nine, Sir _Philip_, his Lady, _Goodland_, _Philibella_, and _Lucy_ came.
Sir _Philip_ return'd him _Rabelais_, which he had borrow'd of him,
wherein the Knight had written, in an old odd sort of a Character, this
Prophecy of his own making; with which he surpriz'd the Majesty of
_Bantam_, who vow'd he had never taken Notice of it before; but he said,
he perceiv'd it had been long written by the Character; and here it
follows, as near as I can remember:
_When +M. D. C.+ come +L.+ before,
Three +XXX+'s, two II's and one I. more;
Then +KING+, tho' now but Name to thee,
Shall both thy Name and Title be._
They had hardly made an End of reading it, ere the whole Company, and
more than he had invited, came in, and were receiv'd with a great deal
of Formality and Magnificence. _Lucy_ was there attended as his Queen;
and _Philibella_, as the Princess her Sister. They danc'd then till they
were weary; and afterwards retired to another large Room, where they
found the Tables spread and furnished with all the most seasonable cold
Meat; which was succeeded by the choicest Fruits, and the richest Desert
of Sweetmeats that Luxury could think on, or at least that this Town
could afford. The Wines were all most excellent in their Kind; and their
Spirits flew about thro' every Corner of the House: There was scarce a
Spark sober in the whole Company, with drinking repeated Glasses to the
Health of the King of _Bantam_, and his Royal Consort, with the Princess
_Philibella's_ who sat together under a Royal Canopy of State, his
Majesty between the two beautiful Sisters: only _Friendly_ and
_Goodland_ wisely manag'd that part of the Engagement where they were
concern'd, and preserv'd themselves from the Heat of the Debauch.
Between Three and Four most of them began to draw off, laden with Fruit
and Sweetmeats, and rich Favours compos'd of Yellow, Green, Red and
White, the Colours of his new Majesty of _Bantam_. Before Five they were
left to themselves; when the Lady _Friendly_ was discompos'd, for want
of Sleep, and her usual Cordial, which obliged Sir _Philip_ to wait on
her Home, with his two Nieces: But his Majesty would by no means part
with _Goodland_; whom, before Nine that Morning, he made as drunk as a
Lord, and by Consequence, one of his Peers; for Majesty was then,
indeed, as great as an Emperor: He fancy'd himself _Alexander_, and
young _Valentine_ his _Hephestion_; and did so be-buss him, that the
young Gentleman fear'd he was fallen into the Hands of an _Italian_.
However, by the kind Persuasions of his condescending and dissembling
Majesty, he ventur'd to go into Bed with him; where King _Would-be_ fell
asleep, hand-over-head: and not long after, _Goodland_, his new-made
Peer, follow'd him to the cool Retreats of _Morpheus_.
About Three the next Afternoon they both wak'd, as by consent, and
called to dress. And after that Business was over, I think they
swallow'd each of 'em a Pint of _Old-Hock_, with a little Sugar, by the
way of healing. Their Coaches were got ready in the mean time; but the
Peer was forced to accept of the Honour of being carried in his
Majesty's to Sir _Philip's_, whom they found just risen from Dinner,
with _Philadelphia_ and his two Nieces. They sat down, and ask'd for
something to relish a Glass of Wine, and Sir _Philip_ order'd a cold
Chine to be set before 'em, of which they eat about an Ounce a-piece;
but they drank more by half, I dare say.
After their little Repast, _Friendly_ call'd the _Would-be-Monarch_
aside, and told him, that he would have him go to the Play that Night,
which was _The London-Cuckolds_; promising to meet him there in less
than half an Hour after his Departure: telling him withal, that he would
surprize him with a much better Entertainment than the Stage afforded.
_Majesty_ took the Hint, imagining, and that rightly, that the Knight
had some Intrigue in his Head, for the Promotion of the Commonwealth of
Cuckoldom: In order therefore to his Advice, he took his leave about a
quarter of an Hour after.
When he was gone, Sir _Philip_ thus bespoke his pretended Niece: Madam,
I hope your Majesty will not refuse me the Honour of waiting on you to a
Place where you will meet with better Entertainment than your Majesty
can expect from the best Comedy in Christendom. _Val_, (continued he)
you must go with us, to secure me against the Jealousy of my Wife. That,
indeed (return'd his Lady) is very material; and you are mightily
concern'd not to give me Occasion, I must own. You see I am now,
(replied he:) But--come! on with Hoods and Scarf! (pursued he, to
_Lucy_.) Then addressing himself again to his Lady; Madam, (said he)
we'll wait on you. In less Time than I could have drank a Bottle to my
Share, the Coach was got ready, and on they drove to the Play-House. By
the way, said _Friendly_ to _Val._--Your Honour, noble Peer, must be set
down at _Long's_; for only _Lucy_ and I must be seen to his Majesty of
_Bantam_: And now, I doubt not, you understand what you must trust
to.--To be robb'd of her Majesty's Company, I warrant (return'd the
other) for these long three Hours. Why (cry'd _Lucy_) you don't mean,
I hope, to leave me with his Majesty of _Bantam_? 'Tis for thy Good,
Child! 'Tis for thy Good (return'd _Friendly_.) To the _Rose_ they got
then; where _Goodland_ alighted, and expected Sir _Philip_; who led
_Lucy_ into the King's Box, to his new Majesty; where, after the first
Scene, he left them together. The over-joy'd fantastick Monarch would
fain have said some fine obliging Things to the Knight, as he was going
out; but _Friendly's_ Haste prevented 'em, who went directly to
_Valentine_, took one Glass, call'd a Reckoning, mounted his Chariot,
and away Home they came: where I believe he was welcome to his Lady; for
I never heard any thing to the contrary.
In the mean Time, his Majesty had not the Patience to stay out half the
Play, at which he was saluted by above twenty Gentlemen and Ladies by
his new and mighty Title: but out he led Miss Majesty ere the third Act
was half done; pretending, that it was so damn'd a bawdy Play, that he
knew her Modesty had been already but too much offended at it; so into
his Coach he got her. When they were seated, she told him she would go
to no Place with him, but to the Lodgings her Mother had taken for her,
when she first came to Town, and which still she kept. Your Mother,
Madam, (cry'd he) why, is Sir _Philip's_ Sister living then? His
Brother's Widow is, Sir, (she reply'd.) Is she there? (he ask'd.) No,
Sir, (she return'd;) she is in the Country. Oh, then we will go thither
to chuse. The Coach-man was then order'd to drive to _Jermain-Street_;
where, when he came in to the Lodgings, he found 'em very rich and
modishly furnish'd. He presently call'd one of his Slaves, and whisper'd
him to get three or four pretty Dishes for Supper; and then getting a
Pen, Ink and Paper, writ a Note to _C----d_ the Goldsmith with
_Temple-Bar_, for five hundred guineas; which _Watchful_ brought him, in
less than an Hour's time, when they were just in the Height of Supper;
_Lucy_ having invited her Landlady, for the better Colour of the Matter.
His _Bantamite_ Majesty took the Gold from his Slave, and threw it by
him in the Window, that _Lucy_ might take Notice of it; (which you may
assure yourself she did, and after Supper wink'd on the goodly Matron of
the House to retire, which she immediately obey'd.) Then his Majesty
began his Court very earnestly and hotly, throwing the naked Guineas
into her Lap: which she seemed to refuse with much Disdain; but upon his
repeated Promises, confirm'd by unheard of Oaths and Imprecations, that
he would give her Sister three thousand Guineas to her Portion, she
began by Degrees to mollify, and let the Gold lie quietly in her Lap:
And the next Night, after he had drawn Notes on two or three of his
Bankers, for the Payment of three thousand Guineas to Sir _Philip_, or
Order, and received his own Bond, made for what he had lost at Play,
from _Friendly_, she made no great Difficulty to admit his Majesty to
her Bed. Where I think fit to leave 'em for the present; for (perhaps)
they had some private Business.
The next Morning before the Titular King was (I won't say up, or
stirring, but) out of Bed, young _Goodland_ and _Philibella_ were
privately marry'd; the Bills being all accepted and paid in two Days
Time. As soon as ever the fantastick Monarch could find in his Heart to
divorce himself from the dear and charming Embraces of his beautiful
Bedfellow, he came flying to Sir _Philip_, with all the Haste that
Imagination big with Pleasure could inspire him with, to discharge it
self to a suppos'd Friend. The Knight told him, that he was really much
troubled to find that his Niece had yielded so soon and easily to him;
however, he wish'd him Joy: To which the other return'd, that he could
never want it, whilst he had the Command of so much Beauty, and that
without the ungrateful Obligations of Matrimony, which certainly are the
most nauseous, hateful, pernicious and destructive of Love imaginable.
Think you so, Sir? (ask'd the Knight;) we shall hear what a Friend of
mine will say on such an Occasion, to-morrow about this Time: but I
beseech your Majesty to conceal your Sentiments of it to him, lest you
make him as uneasy as you seem to be in that Circumstance. Be assur'd I
will, (return'd the other:) But when shall I see the sweet, the dear,
the blooming, the charming _Philibella_? She will be with us at Dinner.
Where's her Majesty? (ask'd Sir _Philip_) Had you enquir'd before, she
had been here; for, look, she comes! _Friendly_ seems to regard her with
a Kind of Displeasure, and whisper'd Majesty, that he should express no
particular Symptoms of Familiarity with _Lucy_ in his House, at any
Time, especially when _Goodland_ was there, as then he was above with
his Lady and _Philibella_, who came down presently after to Dinner.
About Four o'Clock, as his Majesty had intrigu'd with her, _Lucy_ took a
Hackney-Coach, and went to her Lodgings; whither about an Hour after, he
follow'd her, Next Morning, at nine, he came to _Friendly's_, who
carry'd him up to see his new-married Friends--But (O Damnation to
Thoughts!) what Torments did he feel, when he saw young _Goodland_ and
_Philibella_ in bed together; the last of which return'd him humble and
hearty Thanks for her Portion and Husband, as the first did for his
Wife. He shook his Head at Sir _Philip_, and without speaking one Word,
left 'em, and hurry'd to _Lucy_, to lament the ill Treatment he had met
with from _Friendly_. They coo'd and bill'd as long as he was able; she
(sweet Hypocrite) seeming to bemoan his Misfortunes; which he took so
kindly, that when he left her, which was about three in the Afternoon,
he caus'd a Scrivener to draw up an Instrument, wherein he settled a
hundred Pounds a Year on _Lucy_ for her Life, and gave her a hundred
Guineas more against her Lying-in: (For she told him, and indeed 'twas
true, that she was with child, and knew her self to be so from a very
good Reason--) And indeed she was so--by the _Friendly_ Knight. When he
return'd to her, he threw the obliging Instrument into her Lap;
(it seems he had a particular Kindness for that Place--) then call'd for
Wine, and something to eat; for he had not drank a Pint to his Share all
the Day, (tho' he had ply'd it at the Chocolate-House.--) The Landlady,
who was invited to sup with 'em, bid 'em good-night, about eleven; when
they went to bed, and partly slept till about six; when they were
entertain'd by some Gentleman of their Acquaintance, who play'd and sung
very finely, by way of _Epithalamium_, these Words and more:
_Joy to great +Bantam!+
Live long, love and wanton!
And thy Royal Consort!
For both are of one Sort, +&c.+_
The rest I have forgot. He took some Offence at the Words; but more at
the Visit that Sir _Philip_, and _Goodland_, made him, about an Hour
after, who found him in Bed with his Royal Consort; and after having
wish'd 'em Joy, and thrown their Majesties own Shoes and Stockings at
their Head, retir'd. This gave Monarch in Fancy so great a Caution that
he took his Royal Consort into the Country, (but above forty Miles off
the Place where his own Lady was) where, in less than eight Months, she
was deliver'd of a Princely Babe, who was Christen'd by the Heathenish
Name of _Hayoumorecake Bantam_, while her Majesty lay in like a pretty
Queen.
NOTES: The King of Bantam.
p. 17 _last new Plays, being then in the Year 1683_. The new plays acted
at the Theatre Royal in 1682 were: Southerne's _The Loyal Brother; or,
The Persian Prince_; Tate's _Ingratitude of a Commonwealth; or, The Fall
of Caius Marius Coriolanus_; Settle's _The Heir of Morocco, with the
Death of Gayland_; Banks' _The Unhappy Favourite; or, the Earl of
Essex_; D'Urfey's _The Injur'd Princess; or, The Fatal Wager_. There
were also an unusual number of revivals of the older plays at this
house. At Dorset Garden the following were produced: Otway's _Venice
Preserved; or, A Plot Discovered_; Mrs. Behn's _The City Heiress; or,
Sir Timothy Treatall_; D'Urfey's _The Royalist_; Mrs. Behn's _The False
Count; or, A New Way to Play an Old Game_; Banks' _Virtue Betray'd; or,
Anna Bullen_; Mrs. Behn's _The Roundheads; or, The Good Old Cause_;
Ravenscroft's _The London Cuckolds_; and _Romulus and Hersilia; or, The
Sabine War_, an anonymous tragedy. There were also notable revivals of
Randolph's _The Jealous Lovers_, and Fletcher's _The Maid in the Mill_.
The two Companies amalgamated in the autumn, opening at the Theatre
Royal, 16 November, for which occasion a special Prologue and Epilogue
were written by Dryden. 4 December, Dryden and Lee's famous tragedy,
_The Duke of Guise_, had a triumphant first night. It will be remembered
that Mrs. Behn is writing of incidents which took place on 6 January,
1683, Twelfth Night, so 'the last new plays' must refer to the
productions of 1682. Of course, fresh songs, and probably musical
entertainments, would be inserted at the different revivals of the older
plays which were so frequent during that year.
p. 20 _Statira, . . . Roxana._ In allusion to the two rival princesses
for Alexander's love as they appear in Nat Lee's famous tragedy, _The
Rival Queens; or, Alexander the Great_, produced at Drury Lane, 1677. It
held the stage over a century and a half, longest of his plays, and is
indeed an excellent piece. Originally, Hart played Alexander; Mrs.
Marshall, the glowing Roxana; and Mrs. Boutell, Statira. Genest
chronicles a performance at Drury Lane, 23 June, 1823, with Kean as
Alexander; Mrs. W. West, Statira; Mrs. Glover, Roxana.
p. 24 _forty the Lurch_. 'Lurch' is a very common old term (now rare)
'used in various games to denote a certain concluding state of the game
in which one player is enormously ahead of the other; often a "maiden
set" or love-game'--_N.E.D._ cf. Urquhart's _Rabelais_ (1653), II, xii:
'By two of my table-men in the corner point I have gained the lurch.'
Gouldman's _Latin Dictionary_ (1674), gives: 'A lurch; _duplex palma,
facilis victoria_.'
p. 26 _to Locket's, where they din'd_. This fashionable Ordinary stood
on the site of Drummond's Bank, Charing Cross. It was named from Adam
Locket, the landlord, who died in 1688. In 1702, however, we find an
Edward Locket, probably a son, as proprietor. The reputation of the
house was on the wane during the latter years of Anne, and in the reign
of George I its vogue entirely ceased. There are very frequent
references. In _The Country Wife_ (1675), Horner tells Pinchwife: 'Thou
art as shy of my kindness as a Lombard-street alderman of a courtier's
civility at Locket's' (IV, iii). In Shadwell's _The Scowerers_ (1691),
old Tope, replying to a health, cries: 'I'll answer you in a couple of
Brimmers of Claret at Locket's at Dinner' (I, i). In Vanbrugh's _The
Relapse_ (1696), Lord Foppington, when asked if he dines at home,
surmises: ''tis passible I may dine with some of aur House at Lacket's,'
which shows that it was then the very rendezvous of fashion and quality.
p. 27 _A King and no King._ Langbaine testifies to the popularity of
Beaumont and Fletcher's play both before and after the Restoration.
Pepys saw it 14 March, 1661, and again, 26 September the same year. The
1676 quarto 'as it is now acted at the Theatre Royal by his Majestie's
Servants' gives a full cast with Hart as Arbaces; Kynaston, Tigranes;
Mohun, Mardonius; Lacy, Bessus; Mrs. Betty Cox, Panthea; Mrs. Marshall,
Spaconia. In the earlier production Nell Gwynne had acted Panthea. The
two Companies amalgamated in 1682, opening 16 November. Hart 'never
Acted more' after this date. Mrs. Marshall had retired in 1677; and in
1683 Betterton was playing Arbaces with quite a new allotment of the
other roles.
p. 27 _The Rose._ There are repeated references to this celebrated
tavern which stood in Russell Street, Covent Garden. _vide_ _The Younger
Brother_, I, ii (Vol. IV), Motteux' Song: 'Thence to the Rose where he
takes his three Flasks,' and the note on that passage.
p. 29 _The London-Cuckolds._ Ravenscroft's rollicking comedy, which had
been produced with great success at the Duke's House in 1682 (4to,
1682), long kept the boards with undiminished favour, being very
frequently given each season. Genest has the following true and
pertinent remark: 'If it be the province of Comedy not to retail
morality to a yawning pit but to make the audience laugh and to keep
them in good humour this play must be allowed to be one of the best
Comedies in the English language.' 29 October (the old Lord Mayor's
Day), 1751, Garrick substituted _Eastward Hoe_ at Drury Lane for the
annual performance of _The London Cuckolds_, a change not approved by
the audience, who promptly damned their new fare. Ravenscroft's comedy
was given that evening at Covent Garden, and on 9 November, the
following year. It was also performed there in 1753. 9 November, 1754,
George II ordered _The Provoked Husband_. It has often been stated
(e.g. by Professor A. W. Ward--'Ravenscroft'--_Dictionary of National
Biography_) that this royal command gave _The London Cuckolds_ its final
_conge_, but such was neither the intent nor the case. The play is
billed at Covent Garden, 10 November, 1755; in 1757; and 9 November,
1758. Shuter excelled as Dashwell. A two act version was played at
Covent Garden, 10 April, 1782, and repeated on the 12th. This was for
the benefit of Quick, who acted Doodle.
p. 30 _Your Honour . . . must be set down at Long's._ Long's was a
famous Ordinary in the Haymarket. It was here that in 1678 Lord Pembroke
killed Mr. Coney with his fist. He was tried by his Peers and acquitted.
There was at the same period a second tavern in Covent Garden kept by
Ben Long, Long's brother. In Dryden's _Mr. Limberham_ (1678), Brainsick
cries: 'I have won a wager to be spent luxuriously at Long's.' In
Etheredge's _The Man of Mode_ (1676), the following conversation
occurs:--
_Bellair._ Where do you dine?
_Dorimant._ At Long's or Locket's.
_Medley._ At Long's let it be.
p. 30 _the King's Box_. The seats in the boxes of the Restoration
Theatre were let out severally to separate persons, and although the
King had, of course, his own private box when he saw a play, yet when he
was not present even the royal box was apportioned to individuals as the
rest. There are many allusions to this which prove, moreover, that the
front row of the King's box was the most conspicuous and highly coveted
position in the house. In Etheredge's _The Man of Mode_ (1676),
Dorimant, hearing of a young gentlewoman lately come to town and being
taken with his own handsome face, wagers that she must be 'some awkward,
ill-fashioned, country toad, who, not having above four dozen of black
hairs on her head, has adorned her baldness with a large white fruz,
that she may look sparkishly in the forefront of the King's box at an
old play.' In Tom Brown's _Letters from the Dead to the Living_[1] we
have one from Julian, 'late Secretary to the Muses,' to Will. Pierre of
Lincoln's Inn Fields Playhouse, wherein, recalling how in his lampoons
whilst he lived characters about town were shown in no very enviable
light, he particularizes that 'the antiquated Coquet was told of her age
and ugliness, tho' her vanity plac'd her in the first row in the King's
box at the playhouse.'
p. 31 _Jermain-Street._ Jermyn Street runs parallel with Piccadilly from
the Haymarket to St. James. It was built _circa_ 1667, and derives its
name from Henry Jermyn, Earl of St. Albans. Shadwell spells it Germin
Street, and it was in a house here that old Snarl was wont to receive
amorous castigation at the hands of Mrs. Figgup.--_The Virtuoso_ (1676),
III, ii. It was a fashionable quarter. From 1675 to 1681 the Duke of
Marlborough, then Colonel Churchill, lived here. La Belle Stuart,
Duchess of Richmond, had a house near Eagle Passage, 1681-3, and was
succeeded therein by the Countess of Northumberland. Next door dwelt
Henry Saville, Rochester's friend, 1681-3. Three doors from the Duchess
again was living in 1683 Simon Verelest, the painter. In 1684 Sir
William Soames followed him. In after years also there have been a large
number of famous residents connected with this favourite street.
p. 34 _after having . . . thrown their Majesties own Shoes and
Stockings_. For this old bridal custom see _ante_, Vol. III (p. 223),
_The Lucky Chance_, II, ii: 'we'll toss the Stocking'; and the note on
that passage.
[Footnote 1: This actual letter was written by Boyer, together
with the reply which is dated 5 November, 1701. Julian was a
well-known journalistic scribbler and ribald ballader of the time.
William Peer [Pierre], a young actor of little account, is only
cast for such walk-on roles as Jasper, a valet, in Shadwell's _The
Scowerers_ (1691); the Parson in D'Urfey's _Love for Money_
(1696).]