Cecilia Volanges _to the_ Chevalier Danceny.
I cannot conceive a word of your letter,——it gives me much
uneasiness. What, then, has M. de Valmont wrote to you? Can you think
I no longer love you? Perhaps it would be much better for me if it
was otherwise, for I should not be so tormented as I am; it is really
hard, that, loving as I do, you should always think me wrong; and
instead of receiving consolation in my afflictions, the cause of
all my troubles should proceed from you. You imagine I deceive and
misrepresent matters to you. Upon my word you have a good opinion of
me: But even suppose it the case, what would it avail me? Certainly,
if I ceas’d loving you, all my friends would be glad of it; but it is
my misfortune I cannot, and must love a man who is not in the least
obliged to me.
What have I done, then, to put you so much out of temper? I was afraid
to take a key, lest my mama should discover it, and bring more trouble
on you and me; moreover, I did not think it right. How did I know
whether I was acting right or wrong, as you knew nothing of the matter,
and it was Mr. Valmont only that mentioned it? Now that I know you
would wish me to do it, I will take it to-morrow; then, I suppose, you
will be satisfied—Mr. de Valmont may be your friend, for ought I know,
but I think I love you at well as he does, at least; and yet he is
always right, and I am wrong.—I assure you, I am very angry; however,
that gives you no great uneasiness, as you know I am soon pacified:
when I have the key, I can see you whenever I please: if you behave in
this manner, though, I will not wish for it; I can better bear my own
troubles than those you bring on me.
We might be happy still, only for the little disagreeable occurrences
thrown in our way; if I was my own mistress, you would have no reason
to complain: But, if you will not believe me, we shall always be very
miserable; yet it shall not be my fault. I hope we shall soon see each
other, and then shall have no reason to be so tormented as we are now.
Could I have foreseen all this, the key should have been in my
possession; but, indeed, I thought I was doing right. Do not be angry
with me, I beg of you. Don’t afflict yourself any more, and love me as
much as I love you; then I shall be happy. Adieu, my dear friend.
_From the castle of_ ——, _Sept._ 28, 17—.