_The_ Viscount de Valmont _to the_ Marchioness de Merteuil.
I shall not see you to-day, my charming friend; and I will give you my
reasons, which I hope you will accept with your usual good nature.
Instead of returning directly to town yesterday, I stopped at the
Countess de ——’s, whose country seat was almost in my road; where
I dined, and did not arrive in Paris till near seven o’clock, and
alighted at the opera, where I thought you might be.
When the opera was over, I went into the green room to see my old
acquaintances; there I found my old friend Emily in the midst of a
numerous circle, male and female, who were engaged to sup with her that
night at P———. I no sooner came among them, but, by the unanimous
voice, I was entreated to be of the party. One, a short, thick figure,
who stammered out his invitation in Dutch French, I immediately
recognised to be the master of the feast. I yielded.
I learned, on our way there, that the house we were going to was the
price agreed on for Emily’s condescension to this grotesque figure,
and that this supper was in fact a wedding feast. The little man could
not contain himself for joy, in expectation of the happiness that
awaited him; and I saw him so enraptured with it, that I felt a strong
inclination to disturb it; which I effected.
The only difficulty was to bring Emily to consent, in whom the
burgomaster’s riches had raised some scruples: however, after some
solicitation, I brought her at length to consent to my scheme, which
was, to fill this little beer hogshead with wine, and thus get rid of
him.
The sublime idea we entertained of a drunken Dutchman, made us exert
ourselves. We succeeded so well, that by the time the dessert was
brought on the table, he was not able to hold his glass, whilst the
tender Emily and I plied him incessantly, till, at length, he fell
under the table so drunk, that it must have lasted at least eight days.
We then determined to send him back to Paris; and as he had not kept
his carriage, I ordered him to be packed into mine, and I remained in
his room. I then received the compliments of the company, who retired
soon after, and left me master of the field of battle. This frolic, and
perhaps my long retirement, made Emily so desirable, that I promised to
remain with her until the resurrection of the Dutchman.
This condescension is a return for that she has just had for me, in
submitting to serve me as a desk to write to my lovely devotee, to whom
it struck me as a pleasant thought, to write in bed with, and almost in
the arms of, a girl, where I was interrupted by a complete infidelity.
In this letter I give her an exact account of my conduct and situation.
Emily, who read the epistle, laughed immoderately, and I expect it will
make you laugh also.
As my letter must be marked at the Paris post-office, I leave it open
for you, enclosed. Read it, seal it, and send it there. But, pray, do
not use your own seal, nor even any amorous emblem—an antique head
only. Adieu, my lovely friend!
P. S. I open my letter to acquaint you, I have determined Emily to go
to the Italian opera; and will take that opportunity to visit you. I
shall be with you at six the latest; and if agreeable to you, I will
accompany you to Madame de Volanges’ at seven. It would not be decent
to defer longer acquainting her with Madame de Rosemonde’s invitation;
besides, I shall be glad to see the little Volanges.
Adieu, fair lady! I hope so much pleasure will attend my embracing you,
that the Chevalier may be jealous of it.
_From P———, Aug._ 30, 17—.