7. In all cases where possible, the match shall be settled without
resorting to brute force, or needless waste of time and breath, by
appealing immediately before "kick-off" to the arbitration of the
referee.
8. The referee shall be the most intelligent and elderly foreign count
whose services are obtainable, or, failing that, the least athletic
cabinet minister or archbishop in the neighbourhood.
9. The goals shall consist of two large marquees, in which the
respective captains, assisted by the other lady-members, shall preside
over afternoon tea and ices.
10. In the event of the ball travelling anywhere near the goals, or in
any way endangering the tea-things, the referee shall at once stop all
further play.
11. It shall be permissible, and, indeed, recommended, that any, or
all, the umpires shall leave the football alone at any stage of the
game, and attend to the lady-players, and no umpire shall be ruled
"off-side" for so doing.
12. No cry of "hands" or other invidious comment shall be raised when
any umpire is caught asking any lady-player for her hand, or else what
would be the blessed good of the club's existence?
13. As many "corners" as possible shall be allowed. These are to be in
shady parts of the field or in the marquees, and are to be used solely
for flirtation.
14. A "free kick" shall be given to any umpire who fools about after
the ball, when he ought to be in the marquee.
15. If there be insufficient space, the game may be omitted entirely,
and tea given in the nearest and best-laid-out private gardens, where
there are shrubberies and summer-houses; or the match may be
converted, in the event of doubtful weather, into a dance.