Don't speak yet, he cried;--don't make yourself ill again: thank heaven,
you are better!--This is some sudden chill; why have you ventur'd out
without clogs?
How delicate,--how seasonable, this hint! Without it could I have met
his eye, after the weakness I had betrayed?--We had now no more
interesting subjects; I believe he thought I had _enough_ of them.
It was near two when we reach'd the Abbey. Sir James and Mr. Morgan were
just return'd from a ride;--Lady Powis met us on the Green, where she
said she had been walking some time, in expectation of her
strollers,--She examin'd my countenance very attentively, and then ask'd
Lord Darcey, if he had remember'd her injunctions?
What reason, my Lady, have you to suspect the contrary? he
returned--Well, well, said she, I shall find you out some day or
other;--but her Ladyship seem'd quite satisfied, when I assured her I
had been no farther than the Beach-walk.
Cards were propos'd soon after dinner: the same party as usual.--Mr.
Morgan is never ask'd to make one;--he says he would as soon see the
devil as a card-table.--We kept close at it 'till supper.--I could not
help observing his Lordship blunder'd a little;--playing a diamond for a
spade,--and a heart for a club,--I took my leave at eleven, and he
attended me home.
Mr. and Mrs. Jenkings were gone to bed,--Edmund was reading in the
parlour; he insisted on our having a negus which going out to order, was
follow'd by Lord Darcey:--I heard them whisper in the passage, but could
distinguish the words, _if she is ill, remember, if she is ill_--and
then Edmund answer'd, You may depend on it, my Lord,--as I have a soul
to be saved:--does your Lordship suppose I would be so negligent?
I guess'd at this charge;--it was to write, if I should be ill, as I
have since found by Edmund,--who return'd capering into the room,
rubbing his hands, and smiling with such significance as if he would
have said, Every thing is as it should be.
When his Lordship had wish'd us a good night, he said to
me,--_To-morrow_, Miss Warley!--but I will say nothing of
_to-morrow_;--I shall see you in the morning. His eyes glisten'd, and he
left the room hastily.--Whilst Edmund attended him out, I went to my
chamber that I might avoid a subject of which I saw his honest heart was
full.
On my table lay the Roman History; I could not help giving a peep where
I had left off, being a very interesting part:--from one thing I was led
to another, 'till the clock struck three; which alarm made me quit my
book.
Whilst undressing, I had leisure to recollect the incidents of the
pass'd day; sometimes pleasure, sometimes pain, would arise, from this
examination; yet the latter was most predominant.
When I consider'd Lord Darcey's tender regard for my future, as well as
present peace,--how could I reflect on him without gratitude?--When I
consider'd his perplexities, I thought thus:--they arise from some
entanglement, in which his heart is not engag'd.--Had he confided in me,
I should not have weaken'd his resolutions;--I would no more wish him to
be guilty of a breach of honour, than surrender myself to infamy.--I
would have endeavour'd to persuade him _she_ is amiable, virtuous, and
engaging.--If I had been successful, I would have _frown'd_ when he
_smil'd_;--I would have been _gay_ when he seem'd _oppress'd_--I would
have been _reserv'd, peevish, supercilicus_;--in short, I would have
counterfeited the very reverse of what was likely to draw him from a
former attachment.
To live without him must be my fate; since that is almost inevitable, I
would have strove to have secur'd his happiness, whilst mine had
remain'd to chance.--These reflections kept me awake 'till six; when I
fell into a profound sleep, which lasted 'till ten; at which time I was
awaken'd by Mrs. Jenkings to tell me Lord Darcey was below; with an
apology, that she had made breakfast, as her husband was preparing, in
great haste, to attend his Lordship.
This was a hint he was not to stay long; so I put on my cloaths with
expedition; and going down, took with me my whole stock of resolution;
but I carried it no farther than the bottom of the stairs;--there it
flew from me;--never have I seen it since:--that it rested not in the
breast of Lord Darcey, was visible;--rather it seem'd as if his and mine
had taken a flight together.
I stood with the lock of the door in my hand more than a minute, in
hopes my inward flutterings would abate.--His Lordship heard my
footstep, and flew to open it;--I gave him my hand, without knowing what
I did;--joy sparkled in his eyes and he prest it to his breast with a
fervour that cover'd me with confusion.
He saw what he had done,--He dropp'd it respectfully, and inquiring
tenderly for my health, ask'd if I would honour him with my commands
before he sat out for Town?--What a fool was I!--Lord bless me!--can I
ever forget my folly? What do you think, my Lady! I did not speak;--no!
I could not answer;--I was _silent_;--I was _silent_, when I would have
given the world for one word.--When I did speak, it was not to Lord
Darcey, but, still all fool, turn'd and said to Mr. Jenkings, who was
looking over a parchment, How do you find yourself, Sir? Will not the
journey you are going to take on horseback be too fatiguing? No, no, my
good Lady; it is an exercise I have all my life been us'd to: to-morrow
you will see me return the better for it.
Mrs. Jenkings here enter'd, follow'd by a servant with the breakfast,
which was plac'd before me, every one else having breakfasted.--She
desir'd I would give myself the trouble of making tea, having some
little matters to do without.--This task would have been a harder
penance than a fast of three days;--but I must have submitted, had not
my good genius Edmund appear'd at this moment; and placing himself by
me, desir'd to have the honour of making my breakfast.
I carried the cup with difficulty to my mouth. My embarrassment was
perceiv'd by his Lordship; he rose from his seat, and walk'd up and
down.--How did his manly form struggle to conceal the disorder of his
mind!--Every movement, every look, every word, discover'd Honour in her
most graceful, most ornamental garb: _when_ could it appear to such
advantage, surrounded with a cloud of difficulties, yet shining out and
towering above them all?
He laid his cold hand on mine;--with precipitation left the room;--and
was in a moment again at my elbow.--Leaning over the back of my chair,
he whisper'd, For heaven's sake, miss Warley, be the instrument of my
fortitude; whilst I see you I cannot--there stopt and turn'd from me.--I
saw he wish'd me to go first,--as much in compassion to myself as him.
When his back was turn'd, I should have slid out of the room;--but Mr.
Jenkings starting up, and looking at his watch, exclaim'd, _Odso_, my
Lord! it is past eleven; we shall be in the dark. This call'd him from
his reverie; and he sprang to the door, just as I had reached
it.--Sweet, generous creature! said he, stopping me; and you will go
_then?_--Farewell, my Lord, replied I.--My dear, good friend, to Mr.
Jenkings, take care of your health.--God bless you both I--My voice
faulter'd.
Excellent Miss Warley! a thousand thanks for your kind condescension,
said the good old man.--Yet one moment, oh God! yet one moment, said his
Lordship; and he caught both my hands.
Come, my Lord, return'd Mr. Jenkings; and never did I see him look so
grave, something of disappointment in his countenance;--come, my Lord,
the day is wasting apace. Excuse this liberty:--your Lordship has been
_long_ determin'd,--have _long_ known of leaving this country.--My
dearest young Lady, you will be expected at the Abbey.--I shall, indeed,
replied I;--so God bless you, Sir!--God bless you, my Lord! and,
withdrawing my hands, hasten'd immediately to my chamber.
I heard their voices in the court-yard:--if I had look'd out at the
window, it might not have been unnatural,--I own my inclinations led to
it.--Inclination should never take place of prudence;--by following one,
we are often plung'd into difficulties;--by the other we are sure to be
conducted safely:--instead, then, of indulging my curiosity to see how
he look'd--how he spoke at taking leave of this dwelling;--whether his
eyes were directed to the windows, or the road;--if he rid slow or
fast;--how often he turn'd to gaze, before he was out of sight:--instead
of this, I went to Mrs. Jenkings's apartment, and remain'd there 'till I
heard they were gone, then return'd to my own; since which I have wrote
down to this period. Perhaps I should have ran on farther, if a summons
from Lady Powis did not call me off. I hope now to appear before her
with tolerable composure.--I am to go in the coach alone.--Well, it will
seem strange!--I shall think of my _late_ companion;--but time
reconciles every thing.--_This_ was my hope, when I lost my best friend,
the lov'd instructress of my infant years.--_Time_, all healing _Time!_
to _that_ I fear I must look forward, as a lenitive against many evils.
Two days!--only two days!--and then, adieu, my dear friends at the
Abbey;--adieu, my good Mr. and Mrs. Jenkings!--and you _too_, my
friendly-hearted Edmund, adieu!
Welcome,--doubly welcome, every moment which brings me nearer to that
when I shall kiss the hands of my honour'd Lady;--when I shall be able
to tell you, in person, ten thousand things too much for my pen;--when
you will kindly say, Tell me all, my Fanny, tell me every secret of your
heart.--Happy sounds!--pleasing sounds! these will be to your grateful
and affectionate