Elbowing their way into several Dinners at which it was necessary to
put Ice into the Claret in order to keep it at the Temperature of
the Room. The Financier, in his First Part Clothes with an Ice-Cream
Weskit, was a Picture that no Artist could paint. His hair would not
stay combed and he hardly ever knew what to do with his Hands.
[Illustration: _Laura's Ambition._]
Laura and the Girls could forget that they had once seen the Missouri
River, but not so with Old Ready Money. Right at the Table, sitting
opposite the Earl of Hammersmith or the Marquis of Stroke-on-Trent,
while Laura and the Girls would be talking about their Country Place
and trying to smother the American Accent, the Lobsterine would come
in and tell about something that happened to him once when he was
plowing Corn. Then Laura and the Girls would want to duck right under
the Table and die of Mortification then and there.
The only Reason they put up with him was that he seemed to be useful
when it came to signing Checks.
In England they met a great many Nice People. The Financier knew that
they were Nice because they wore Dark Clothes and seldom Smiled.
Then the two shapely Daughters went and married a couple of shelf-worn
Titles.
The Financier had the Novel Experience of putting up for a Brace of
Sons-in-Law who would not speak to him when any one was around. Which
served him right, for he had no Business to be in Trade. It was very
careless of him not to have inherited his Stuff.
Still, it was a great Satisfaction to him to be a Blood Relative of
two Howling Swells who had Pedigrees reaching back almost as far as
their Debts.
Very often he would take them into a Back Room and turn them around
and look them over and recognize the cold, undeniable Fact that they
were cheap at any Price.
* * * * *
MORAL: Bunker Hill has been Avenged, over and over.
* * * * *
_SELF-MADE HEZEKIAH AND HIS MESSAGE OF HOPE TO THIS YEARS CROP OF
GRADUATES_
In Wayback Township, along in the Thirties, there arrived a
12-pounder. When he was three days old he was exhibited to a Bunch in
the Front Room by an Old Lady who had made a Study of Colic. She was
a Baby Expert who always broke in to do considerable heavy standing
around and calling off when there was a lift in the Population.
While little Ipsy-Wipsy was being inspected, he opened one Eye and
spotted a silver Half-Dollar that the Honorary Nurse wore as a Brooch.
Immediately he closed in on it. They had to choke him to make him let
go. In after Years it was remarked that this was the only time that he
went after the Coin and failed to bring it home.
The Baby never had any Tantrums at Night because he had overheard
them say that it cost $2 every time Doc was called in. He would lie
quietly in his Crib for Hours at a time looking up at the Ceiling and
computing Compound Interest on the $5 Gold Piece that had been put in
the Bank, to be drawn out when he should be 21.
His Parents gave him a Biblical Name so so as to make him a strong
Come-On for Investors who belong to the Pious Element. Hezekiah Hooper
is what they christened him. They wanted a Name that would carry
weight on a Letter-Head and reassure the Soft Mark who was about to
sink his Funds in a Mining Venture with a Guarantee of 48 per cent.
Dividends.
At the age of 4 Hezekiah sat down and figured that if he devoted his
Life to Physical Toil, he might some day be the Owner of a six-room
cottage fully protected by a Mortgage, whereas if he wore a White
Shirt and kept busy with the Pencil, he might be Rich enough some
day to land in the Senate. So he went out looking for Work to hand to
other People, thus becoming what the Campaign Orator calls a Captain
of Industry.
If a man wanted the Weeds pulled from his Garden, then Hez would take
the Job for 25 cents. He would buy 5 cents worth of Stick Candy and
place it judiciously, so that at Nightfall the other boys would have
Blisters and the Stomach-Ache, while Hez would have 20 cents salted
away in the Tin Bank.
When he was still a Young Man he made the Important Discovery that
the honest Laborer who digs Post-Holes for 11 Hours at a Stretch gets
$1.25 in the Currency of the Realm, while the Brain-Worker who leads
out a Spavined Horse and puts in 20 Minutes at tall Bunko Work, can
clean up $14.50 and then sit on the Porch all Afternoon, reading "The
Lives of the Saints."
Also Hezekiah led up to the Altar a Hold-Over whose Eyes refused to
work as a Duet and whose Figure had all of the graceful Ins and
Outs of a Flag-Pole, but she owned half of the Land in the Township.
Hezekiah said something about the Beauty that fadeth even as a Flower,
and then he connected with her Property.
[Illustration: _Hezekiah._]
When grim-visaged War showed its awful Front, Hezekiah went down to
the Court-House and hollered for the Union until he was black in the
Face. He showed all the emotional Farm Hands where to sign their Names
and promised to keep them supplied with Blue Overcoats, Beans, Navy
Plug and Hard Tack until the whole Works had been saved. Every time
there was a new Call for Men, he took a firmer hold on the Commissary
Department and began to gouge the Government in a new Place.
The Heroes who came home full of Malaria and Lead were met at the
Station by Hezekiah, who had grown a Chin Whisker and was sporting
a White Vest. He gave each one a Card announcing that all of our
country's Brave Defenders who had failed to become well fixed on $13
per, would get what Money they needed at 2 per cent. a Month, with
Real Estate as Security.
[Illustration: _This Year's Crop._]
By going through Bankruptcy, side-stepping the Assessor, working the
Farmers for a Railroad Bonus, handling the Funds for denominational
Colleges and putting the double Hammer-Lock on the Small Fry who had
Notes falling due, Hezekiah accumulated a Wad that put him into the
Millionaire's Division.
He and other old Gentlemen with pink Jowls and cold fishy Eyes would
occasionally meet in some Directors' Room, finished in Mahogany. The
Meeting would be opened with Prayer, after which they would discuss
Ways and Means of putting the Inter-State Commerce Law to the Bad,
squaring the Legislature without passing over any of the Stuff
themselves and handing the Public the Short End of it.
Having arrived at this Proud Eminence, Hezekiah was ripe to spring
some Advice to Young Men. Any Patriarch who has slipped the Tall Mitt
to the entire Universe and dealt from both Ends of the Deck is the
Real Boy when it comes to laying down Rules of Conduct for the Pale
Youth who wants an $8 Job. So Hezekiah Hooper, the Eminent Financier,
who never smoked a Cigar, never took a Drink and never asked anybody
else to do either, was invited to address the Class of Naughty-Three
at the Local Business College.
He sat on the Rostrum wearing Black Broadcloth, betokening Virtue, and
in addition to his ancient Trade-Marks, the White Shirt and the White
Vest, he had a White Bow Tie. As he sat there in conscious Rectitude,
wondering if the Congressional Investigation would harm the Beef
Trust, it could be seen at a Glance that he would never take anything
that was too heavy to carry, unless he had a Dray.
The studious Young Gentlemen who had been preparing themselves to
go out into the Great World and draw Car-Fare as Book-Keepers and
Stenographers, looked up at Honest Hezekiah and said, "This is where
he puts us next to the Recipe for Getting There."
At last the Honored Guest arose and told the Class that the Young
Man who wishes to succeed must be Upright, Frugal, Industrious, and
Patriotic. He considered it the Duty of every Young Man to accept
whatever Compensation was offered him and be Content, for as soon as
he began to earn more his Employer would come around and put it in his
Pocket. Above all, he must love his Country and let Integrity be his
Watchword and remember that a Good Name is better than Riches, even if
other People don't think so. Then he sat down without batting an Eye
and every member of the Class of '03 knew just how to go out and pile
up a Million.
* * * * *
MORAL: What's more, they believe it themselves.
* * * * *
_THE GIRL WHO TOOK NOTES AND GOT WISE AND THEN FELL DOWN_
Once upon a Time there was a long-headed Girl who used to sit in
her own Room on Rainy Afternoons and evolve Theories. Her principal
Ambition in Life was to stand Ace High with all the Nice Men of her
Set. She hoped in the course of Time to tease one away from the Drove
and gallop him into the Branding Pen.
Now this Girl was so Foxy that at times she got in front of herself
and blocked off her own Plays. Her scheme for getting all the Real
Boys intoxified with Love for her was to engage them in Conversation
and find out what kind of Girls they liked. Then her Play was to be
that Kind. She had no Difficulty whatever in inducing her Men Friends
to talk about the Opposite Sex. They were all keyed up on the Subject
and full of Information. Just as a Feeler one Evening she asked an
eligible Charley if he didn't think that the Woman of To-day was too
Extravagant.
"That's just why so many of us shy at the Matrimonial Jump," he
confided to her. "There was a time when the Man who got $75 per
Month and had about $200 planted could take a Chance at the Game.
But now that measly Allowance wouldn't keep a High Roller supplied
with Violets. The up-to-date Maudine isn't happy unless she has a
Gray-Squirrel Coat, an Auto Car, $11,000 worth of Twinklers and a
fourteen-room Apartment. That's why these Society Shawl-Holders keep
on making Love right and left but never come down to Cases."
This was a valuable Tip, so the crafty Maiden put it down in her
little Note-Book that she who would make a Hit must convince the Men
that her Tastes were simple and inexpensive. Another one gave her
a learned Talk on the frivolity and Two-by-Fourness of the typical
Seraphine.
[Illustration: _Nice Men._]
"You cannot expect a Man to hand over his serious Affections to one of
these Feather-Heads," he said, as he gazed thoughtfully at the Floor.
"Woman should be Man's Intellectual Helpmeet. Now and then a Man
may have a Passing Fancy for a Lizzie who talks Piffle and gets an
Attack of the Giggles every few Seconds, but when it comes to the
grand Hook-Up he wants one who is there with the Gray Matter--one who
can play up to his loftiest Ambitions and supply his Home with that
Atmosphere of Culture which is the true Ozone of Married Life."
So she put it down that it was her Cue to chop out the Twaddle and be
a sort of Lady Emerson. Incidentally she resolved to cut out all kinds
of Slang, for she got a very straight Line of Talk from an Amateur
Philosopher who was in the Wholesale Grocery Business.
"If there's anything that gives me a quick, shooting Pain it is to
hear some delicate Nectarine dealing out Slang," said Mr. Gentleman
Friend. "Now in England, where I spent Two Weeks once, the Ladies
never use Slang. They simply say that a Thing is either Perfectly
Charming or Most Extraordinary and let it go at that. They may be
Short on Vocabulary, but they are Long on Respectability. Besides, I
was reading in a Magazine the other Day that Slang is Vulgar and that
no one should take up with a Slang Word until Long Usage has given it
the right to break into the Lexicon."
[Illustration: _Rules of Conduct._]
Also this Girl with the Absorbent Mind would clip out Hints to the
Young, and Confidential Charts warning the Just-Outs against taking
Presents from Strangers and putting them next to Rules of Conduct
that would be sure to please and fascinate Proper Young Men. It seemed
strange at Times that these Head Coaches who knew just how to jolly
up any Man were not out spending some Millionaire's Money instead of
writing Pieces for the Paper.
All the Articles on the Woman's Page and all the strait-laced Men
that she met came down Hard on the Female who is trying to be a Real
Bohemian. She learned from a dozen different Sources that Men have no
earthly Use for the Zipper who tries to do a Mile in less than Two
and kites around in a Hack without a Chaperon and carries her own
Cigarettes.
And she heard nothing but Expressions of Horror concerning the Woman
who Drinks. Her Male acquaintances often brought up the Painful
Subject. They said it was all right for a Man to move up to a High
Ball once in a While, and a Cocktail before Dinner didn't do any
Harm until after the Seventh or Eighth. But it did look Tough to see
Mere Children of about twenty-three Years of Age going after the Dry
Manhattans.
After sounding the Men on the Liquor Question the long-headed Girl
made a solemn Resolve that she would never hit up anything stronger
than Cherry Sundae.
When she had her Note Book full of useful Directions she found a
Chance to try out her System. She was invited to a Swell Dinner Party
at which all the Nice Men in Town were to be rounded up. She put on
a simple White Gown and wore a Rose in her Hair, and just before
starting she locked all of her Slang words in the Escritoire, whatever
that may be.
At the Dinner she sat next to a Bachelor who had Nothing But. She
talked to him about the Panama Canal, just to show that she was no
Piker. When he wanted her to take some of the Phizz Water she made an
Awful Stand and seemed surprised that he should think that of her.
This did not prevent him from splashing in. By the time the Birds came
along he had accumulated a very neat Brannigan, and was paying a lot
of Attention to a wonderful Piece of Work sitting opposite. She wore
a Red Costume that must have cost $7,000, and although she was very
gabby and called the Men by their First Names and invited all who were
not Quitters to stand by for a Bumper, she was making fair Headway. In
fact, she seemed to have the Bunch with her.
The Wise Girl figured that they were tolerating her out of mere
Politeness. Later on, in the Drawing Room, they continued to tolerate
her the best they knew how. The Girl with the Book of Rules played a
sad little Opus on the Piano, after which the Steeple-Chaser in Red
leaped on top of the Instrument and tore out Coon Stuff with eight men
turning the Music for her.
And these were the Eight who had told the Girl back in the Corner all
about the Qualities in Woman that would help to attract Men. She went
home thinking it over and the next time she started for a Dinner, she
added a Dash of Red and a few Brilliants to the Costume and cut loose
up to a reasonable Limit. She got along first-rate, even though she
was doing a lot of Things that none of the Men approve, but somehow
love to put up with.
* * * * *
MORAL: He can always pick out the Right Kind for the Other Fellow.
* * * * *
_WHAT THEY HAD LAID OUT FOR THEIR VACATION_
A man who had three weeks of Vacation coming to him began to get busy
with an Atlas about April 1st. He and his Wife figured that by keeping
on the Jump they could do Niagara, Thousand Islands, Atlantic City,
The Mammoth Cave and cover the Great Lakes.
On April 10th they decided to charter a House-Boat and float down the
Mississippi.
On April 20th he heard of a Cheap Excursion to California with a
stop-over Privilege at every Station and they began to read up on Salt
Lake and Yellowstone.
On May 1st she flashed a Prospectus of a Northern Lake Resort where
Boats and Minnows were free and Nature was ever smiling.
By May 10th he had drawn a Blue Pencil all over a Folder of the
Adirondack Region, and all the Hotel Rates were set down in his Pocket
Memorandum Book.
[Illustration: _Getting Busy With an Atlas._]
Ten days later she vetoed the Mountain Trip because she had got next
to a Nantucket Establishment where Family Board was $6 a Week, with
the use of a Horse.
On June 1st a Friend showed him how, by making two Changes and hiring
a Canoe, he could penetrate the Deep Woods, where the Foot of Man had
never Trod and the Black Bass came to the Surface and begged to be
taken out.
On June 15th he and Wifey packed up and did the annual Hike up to
Uncle Foster's Place in Brown County, where they ate with the Hired
Hand and had Greens three times a Day. There were no Screens on the
Windows, but by climbing a Hill they could get a lovely View of the
Pike that ran over to the County Seat.
* * * * *
MORAL: If Summer came in the Spring there would be a lot of Travel.
* * * * *
_THE EXPERIMENTAL COUPLE AND THE THREE OFF-SHOOTS_
A man and Wife had three Sons. The first, named Abraham Lincoln
Tibbetts, was born in 1862. His name was promptly abbreviated to Link.
The second, who arrived in 1872, was christened Ulysses Simpson Grant
Tibbetts. This was too long, so people called him Chub.
The third was of the Vintage of 1882 and his name went into the
Register as Chester A. Arthur Tibbetts, but, in the interest of
Euphony he was dubbed Art, because Art is Long.
The Tibbetts Family lived in the City, and Link, the first-born,
enjoyed all the Advantages of Life in an Apartment Building. He went
to a Graded School and picked up so much Knowledge that at the age of
12 he could set his Parents down in front of him and tell them Things
they did not know. At 14 he was so far along that he knew how to lie
in Bed and have his Mother bring his Breakfast up to him. He went to
Dancing School and learned to play all the "Pinafore" music on the
Upright Agony Box. Sometimes he chided Mr. and Mrs. Tibbetts for not
having as much Money as many of the People he met at Dancing Parties.
He had about as much Application as a used-up Porous Plaster, and
he worried more about his Complexion than he did about his Business
Prospects.
Mr. Tibbetts gave him a Desk at the Office and called him Assistant
Something. His Duties consisted of looking at the Clock and writing
Notes to the Gazelles he had met the Night before. If he had been set
out on the Pavement and told to Root for himself, it would have broken
him of the habit of Eating.
Link was whatever they called a Lobster in 1880. Mr. Tibbetts
realized that City Life had an enervating Effect on Boys and made them
Superficial and Wise in their own Conceit.
[Illustration: _Link._]
Chub was 8 years old and had not yet succumbed to the Matinee Habit,
so his Parents decided to ship him out to the Green Fields and keep
him there until he had developed a Character. Mr. and Mrs. Tibbetts
knew that all the Men of Sterling Worth, mentioned in Political
Biographies, had been raised on the Farm. They figured that if Chub
could be left in the Country to run with the Live Stock, he would grow
up to be a Sturdy and self-reliant Character, with no hankering for
Soda Water and the Military Schottische.
Therefore Chub was sent out to live with Uncle Jabez Quackenbush, an
Agriculturalist who owned 480 Acres and was still wearing the Army
Overcoat that the Government had given him when the War broke out.
Chub slept on a Feather Tick up in a Room where they had the Seed Corn
hung on the Rafters. Uncle Jabe would yank him out at 4.30 G.M. and
keep him in the Field until the early Candle-Lighting, so that usually
he had two Meals in the Dark. On Sunday he and the Hired Help would
sit in the Hay-Mow and read Almanacs. In the Winter he attended a
District School and learned to bound Patagonia, but he did not go to
any demoralizing Shows nor learn to pick up flip Slang.
[Illustration: _Chub._]
When he was 18, he seemed to be past the Danger Period, so Uncle Jabe
took him to the Train and told the Conductor where to put him off. On
the way back to the City he bought an oval Box of Figs from the Train
Boy and lost his Hat out of the Window. When he arrived at Home and
entered the House, it sounded like a Crowd coming in. His Mother took
one Look and fell backward. There was a Neutral Zone between his Vest
and Trousers. Also he had been raising Warts on himself.
For two Months after he arrived they kept him under Cover for
fear the Neighbors would see him. He gave way at the Knees every
time he stepped. If a member of the Opposite Sex spoke to him, he
usually backed into something Breakable. At the Table he did a
Sword-Swallowing Act and drank out of the Saucer.
"We made a mistake in leaving him so long in the Tall Grass," said Mr.
Tibbetts. "But now that we have tried the two Extremes, we know just
what to do with Art. We shall send him to a small Town, where he may
associate with bright Youth of his own age and yet be away from the
distracting and corrupting Influences of the Big City."
Accordingly Art was farmed out to a Cousin residing in a drowsy
Corporation of about 1,500 Souls, figuratively speaking. He went to
the Grammar School and what he didn't learn at School he learned
in Back Alleys and Box Cars. However, his Parents were happy in the
Knowledge that he was beyond the influence of the gaudy Play House,
the gilded Buffet and the seductive Dancing Academy. He was out
where nothing happened unless the Boys started it themselves. So they
started it.
When he was twenty he was sent to the City, an extra fine Specimen of
what the Small Town can produce. He had his Hair combed down into his
Eyes. He wore a punky little Derby, about two sizes too small. The
turn-down Collar was four inches high, and he wore a navy-blue Cravat
with a copper Butterfly for a Scarf-Pin. Furthermore, he had a Suit of
Clothes that was intended for a gentle Brakeman. On his Lapel he had a
Button Photograph of the Girl who worked in the Millinery Store.
"Are you made up for a Masquerade or is this the regular Costume?"
asked his Father.
"'Go 'Way Back and Set Down,'" replied Art, for he knew his Village
Repartee and was on to all of last year's Gags.
"What do you propose to do for yourself?" asked Mr. Tibbetts.
"I want to travel with a Circus or Minstrel Troupe and I don't much
care which," replied Art.
As the Boy appeared to be somewhat Lumpy about the Pockets, his Father
threw him down and searched him, finding on his Person, a $2 Revolver,
a Package of Cigaroots, a 1-lb. Plug of Tobacco, a Deck of Playing
Cards, a Copy of "Old Sleuth" and a Pair of Brass Knucks.
[Illustration: _Art._]
"I have underrated the Educational Facilities of the Jay Town,"
said Mr. Tibbetts. "Link is door-keeper in a Dime Museum and Chub is
putting in Coal for an old and well-known Firm, but I can see that you
are going to outshine your Brothers. You are going to develop into a
first-class Burglar."
* * * * *
MORAL: Keep him in a Barrel.
* * * * *