PEOPLE YOU KNOW
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
PEOPLE YOU KNOW
_BY_ GEORGE ADE
_ILLUSTRATED BY JOHN T. MCCUTCHEON AND OTHERS_
MCMIV
_PREFACE_
This little book is not supposed to contain any new information. It is
made up of plain observations concerning people who live just around
the corner. If the reader will bear in mind that _only_ the people who
live around the corner are discussed in this volume, there will be
no chance for painful misunderstandings. I have no desire to rub the
wrong way anyone who proves his true friendship by purchasing a copy
of this Work. It may be advisable to explain that these Fables are
written in the colloquial American language. The vocabulary employed
is one that has become familiar to the ear, although it is seldom seen
on the printed page. In other words, this volume contains a shameless
amount of slang. If any part of it is unintelligible to the reader, he
should be glad that he has escaped what seems to be an epidemic.
THE AUTHOR.
CONTENTS
The Periodical Souse, the Never-Again Feeling and the Ride On the
Sprinkling Cart, 13
The Kind of Music That Is Too Good for Household Use, 23
The One or Two Points of Difference Between Learning and Learning How,
26
The Night-Watch and the Would-Be Something Awful, 37
The Attenuated Attorney Who Rang In the Associate Counsel, 46
What Father Bumped Into at the Culture Factory, 54
The Search for the Right House and How Mrs. Jump Had Her Annual
Attack, 65
The Batch of Letters, or One Day With a Busy Man, 72
The Sickly Dream and How It Was Doctored Up, 81
The Two Old Pals and the Call for Help, 90
The Regular Kind of a Place and the Usual Way It Turned Out, 99
The Man Who Had a True Friend to Steer Him Along, 107
The Young Napoleon Who Went Back to the Store On Monday Morning, 110
The High Art That Was a Little Too High for the Vulgarian Who Paid the
Bills, 119
The Patient Toiler Who Got It in the Usual Place, 129
The Summer Vacation That Was Too Good to Last, 133
How an Humble Beginner Moved from one Pinnacle to Another and Played
the Entire Circuit, 142
The Maneuvers of Joel and the Disappointed Orphan Asylum, 149
Two Young People, Two Photographers and the Corresponding School of
Wooing, 158
The Married Couple That Went to Housekeeping and Began to Find Out
Things, 167
The Samaritan Who Got Paralysis of the Helping Hand, 175
The Effort to Convert the Work Horse Into a High-Stepper, 185
The Self-Made Hezekiah and His Message of Hope to This Year's Crop of
Graduates, 194
The Girl Who Took Notes and Got Wise and Then Fell Down, 203
What They Had Laid Out for Their Vacation, 212
The Experimental Couple and the Three Off-Shoots, 215
* * * * *
_THE PERIODICAL SOUSE, THE NEVER-AGAIN FEELING AND THE RIDE ON THE
SPRINKLING CART_
Once there was an Indian who had a Way of putting on all his Feathers
and breaking out of the Reservation.
For three Weeks at a Stretch he gave a Correct Imitation of the
Shining Light who passes the Basket and superintends the Repairs on
the Parsonage. He was entitled to a Mark of 100 for Deportment. With
his Meals he drank a little Polly. After Dinner he smoked one Perfecto
and then, when he had put in a frolicsome Hour or so with the North
American Review, he crawled into the Hay at 9.30 P.M.
At last he accumulated a Sense of Virtue that was hard to carry
around. He was proud of himself when he counted up the number of days
during which he had stuck to the Straight and Narrow. It seemed to
him that he deserved a Reward. So he decided to buy himself a little
Present, something costing about 15 cents. He picked out a First-Class
Place where they had Electric Fans and Pictures by the Old Masters. He
poured out a Working-man's Size--the kind that makes the Barkeep stop
wiping up and look unfriendly for a Moment or two.
Then he remembered that a Bird cannot fly with one Wing, so he gently
raised the Index Finger and gave the Prescription Clerk a Look, which
in the Sign Language means, "Repeat the Dose."
It is an Historical Fact that when a Man falls backward from the Water
Wagon he always lands in a Crowd. The full Stage Setting, the Light
Effects and the Red Fire were all ready to make it a Spectacular
Affair. Just after he had mowed away No. 2 and had stopped worrying
about the Winter's Coal, he began to meet Friends who were dying of
Thirst. Then the atmosphere began to be curdled with High Balls and
Plymouth Sours and Mint Smashes, and he was telling a Shoe Drummer
that a lot of People who had been knocking him would probably be
working for him before the Year was out.
[Illustration: _For Three Weeks._]
Then he found himself in a four-oared Cablet and the Sea became very
Rough. There was something out of Whack with the Steering Gear, for
instead of bringing up at his Boarding House he found himself at
another Rum Parlor. The Man who owned the Place had lost the Key and
could not lock up. Here he met several Delegates to a State Convention
of a Fraternal Order having for its Purpose the uplifting of Mankind.
They wore Blue Badges and were fighting to get their Money into the
Cash Register. In a little while he and a red-headed Delegate were up
by the Cigar Counter singing, "How can I bear to leave thee?" He put
in an Application for Membership and then the next Picture that came
out of the Fog was a Chop Suey Restaurant and everybody breaking
Dishes.
[Illustration: _Brothers._]
Soon after, the Lights went out and when he came back to Earth he was
lying the wrong way of his Bed with Blue Badges all over him, trying
to swallow a Bath Towel, which he afterward discovered was his Tongue.
By getting a Leverage under his Head he managed to pry it up and then
he sat on the edge of the Bed and called himself Names. He had nothing
left over except the Cards given to him by the Brothers from up State
somewhere. He had a dim and sneaking Recollection that he had given
his address and Phone Number to the whole Tribe and begged them to
look him up.
"Not any more in Mine," said he, as he held a Towel under the Faucet.
"Not for all of Morgan's would I look at any more of that Essence of
Trouble. I wonder if I'll live through the Morning."
That Day he lived on Bromo and Ice, and the only Satisfaction this
Life offered was the Fact that he was a Reformed Man.
On the Second Day he could look at Solid Food without having a Spasm.
His Hair stopped pulling and he began to speak to the People he met.
When asked to step out for a little while, he lost his Temper and
made a little Talk on the Subject, proving conclusively that there was
Nothing in it.
[Illustration: _Never Again!_]
As he walked homeward in the Dusk he passed the Clubs and Cafés where
those who Drank were rounding up and he felt sorry for them.
"Why can't they pass it up, the same as I do?" he asked himself. "Ah,
if only they knew how much more Fun it is to be Respectable."
It was an actual Mystery to him that any one could dally with a Dry
Martini while there was a Hydrant on every Corner.
On the third Day he was cracking his Whip and begging People to get
up on the Wagon with him. And he said it was a Queer Thing, but he
couldn't bear the Sight of it.
While on the fourth Evening he confessed to some nice People he met at
a Church Social that at one time he had allowed himself to be coaxed
into taking an occasional Nip but he reasoned it all out and decided
it was a Bad Thing and simply Chopped it right off. They told him it
was wonderful how much Will Power he had and asked him if he ever
felt the Old Craving coming back on him, and he said he could see it
splashing all around him and not have the faintest Desire to dip in.
He was so stuck on himself that he went around to call on all his
Friends who kept it on the Table so that he could wave it to one side
and tell how he despised it. He sat there and pitied those who were
inhaling it. Every Morning when he arose he would throw kisses to
himself in the Glass and exclaim: "Aha! The Head as clear as a Bell
this A.M. I'll bet I'm the cleanest and nicest Young Fellow in this
Town. Any Girl that picks out a Sober and Steady Man such as I am will
certainly be showing good Judgment."
As Narrated at the Beginning, for three weeks he worked hard at the
Job of being an Abstainer. And at last he accumulated a Sense of
Virtue that weighed over 200 Pounds. He knew that he was entitled to
a Reward, so he decided to buy himself a little Present. Just a wee
Reminder of by-gone Days and then back to Sarsaparilla. But he fell
into a Crowd. There was another State Convention. It had been arranged
for him so that he could get a Fresh Start.
* * * * *
MORAL: Life is a Series of Relapses and Recoveries.
* * * * *
_THE KIND OF MUSIC THAT IS TOO GOOD FOR HOUSEHOLD USE_
One Evening a little Flock of Our Best People got together at the Home
of a Lady who invariably was first over the Fence in the Mad Pursuit
of Culture. She loved to fill her Front Rooms with Folks who wore
7¾ Hats and read Norwegian Novels that no one else ever heard
anything about.
On the Evening already mentioned she had a Cluster of Geniuses on
hand. They were expected to Talk for a couple of Hours, so as to
work up an Appetite for Neapolitan Ice-Cream and Lady-Fingers. In
the course of time they got around to the Topic of Modern Music. All
agreed that the Music which seemed to catch on with the low-browed
Public was exceedingly punk. They rather fancied "Parsifal" and were
willing to concede that Vogner made good in Spots, but Mascagni they
branded as a Crab. As for Victor Herbert and J.P. Sousa--back to the
Water-Tanks!
[Illustration: _They Love It._]
A little later in the Game the Conversation began to Sag and it was
suggested that they have Something on the Piano. They gathered around
the Stack of Music and then Vogner went into the Discard and Puccini
fell to the Floor unnoticed and the Classics did not get a Hand. But
they gave a Yelp of Joy when they spotted a dear little Cantata about
a Coon who earned a Razor and had trouble with his Wife. They sang
the Chorus 38 times and the Young Lady wore out both Wrists doing
Rag-Time.
* * * * *
MORAL: It is proper to enjoy the Cheaper Grades of Art, but they
should not be formally Indorsed.
* * * * *
_THE ONE OR TWO POINTS OF DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LEARNING AND LEARNING
HOW_
In a Red School-House back in the Web-Foot District, it was the Custom
to have a Debate every Friday Afternoon. The much-mooted Question as
to which does the greater Damage, Fire or Water, had been carefully
gone over by the Squabs. Also who was the heftier Proposition,
Napoleon or Washington? But the original Stand-by was as follows:
"Resolved, that Education is better than Wealth."
The Corporate Interests got many a Whack here in the Knowledge Works.
Most of the Children wanted to grow up and be like Galileo. They
claimed that mere Wealth could not purchase Happiness. The only
genuine Peace of Mind came from being able to call off the Geological
Periods with the Eyes closed.
[Illustration: _Otis and Bradford._]
Here in this little Brain Hatchery were two Kids who were not Mates.
One was named Otis and the other was Bradford, or Brad for Short. Otis
was the Boy who took the Affirmative side on Friday Afternoon. Ote
firmly believed that Learning was the most valuable Asset that a Man
could tuck away. Brad was for the Money End of the Game, but when
he got up to make his Talk his Vocabulary would become jammed up and
caught crossways in the Flue and teacher would motion him back to his
Seat. Otis, however, could tell in well-chosen Phrases why the Scholar
was a better and happier Man than the Millionaire and so he always
received the Vote of the Judges.
Now, Brad was done up but unconvinced. He could not stand up before
the District School and tell why it was good policy to corral the
Coin, but he had a secret Hunch that it would be no Disgrace for him
to go out and do the best he could. Brad had a bull-dog Jaw and large
blood-shot Hands and a Neck-Band somewhat larger than his Hat-Band. He
jumped the Stockade when they started to teach him Botany. He weighed
180 and he thought he was too large to sit around and count the Petals
of the Ox-Eye Daisy when he might be out selling Lightning Rods to the
Yaps and making jug-handled Contracts. Accordingly he Dug.
"Bradford is making a great Mistake," said Otis, as he saw his Friend
tear from the Institution of Learning. "In order to get a few worldly
Chattels right at the jump, he sacrifices his Diploma. I shall be more
Foxy. I shall go right on through the High School and then I shall
attend College and get a Degree. When I have taken my Degree then
I will be the human _It_. My scholarly Attainments and polished
Manner will get me past the Door and into the Inner Circle of the
Hot Potatoes. As for Bradford, although it is possible that he shall
have combed up a little Currency he will be a mere ordinary, sordid
Business Man--not one-two-seven when he tries to stack up against one
who has just been delivered of a Thesis on the Correlated Phenomena of
Unconscious Cerebration."
While Brad was out in the back Townships short-changing the Farmers
and buying 8 per cent. Mortgages, Otis was working his way through
College and living on Oatmeal except on Holidays and then Prunes.
He was getting round-shouldered and wore Specs and was all gaunted
up, but he never weakened. He was pulling for the Laurel Wreath of
Scholarship, or in other words, the Degree. After humping it for 4
years he passed his final Exam and the Faculty decided that he was a
Bachelor of Arts.
That was the Day when he had the Laugh on Brad.
In the meantime, Bradford had been choking various People and taking
it away from them. He had four Salesmen under him and had butted into
the Firm, but he was still shy on Botany.
Inasmuch as Otis had been one of the brightest Men in his Class he was
offered a position as Instructor in the College at a Salary of $55
a Month with a promise of $5 raise at the end of five Years, if he
lived. Otis accepted, because the Outside World did not seem to be
clamoring for his Services, even though he was an Authority on the
Mezozoic Period and knew all the Diatomes by their First Names.
[Illustration: _M.A._]
Often while he was burning the Midnight Oil and grinding out
Jaw-Breakers, so as to qualify for the Master's Degree, he reflected
as follows: "It is true that Brad is making it Hand over Fist and
wears $6 Shirts and rides in a State-Room on the Pullman, but he is
not a Bachelor of Arts. And some day when he is a Multi-Millionaire
I can still look down on him, for then I shall be a Master of Arts.
I have known since Childhood that Education is more desirable than
Paltry Gold. Although the Newspapers and the General Public do not
seem to be with me to any Extent, it is better to hob-nob with the
Binomial Theorem than to dally with the Champagne Supper."
In due time the Faculty gave the Degree of M.A. to what was left of
Otis and still his Ambition was not satisfied. He wanted to land a
Doctor's Degree. He knew that any one who aspired to this Eminent
Honor had to be a Pippin. But he hoped that he could make some
Contribution to the World of Thought that would jar the whole
Educational System and help him to climb to the topmost Pinnacle of
Human Greatness.
Professor Otis did the Dig Act year after year. At the age of 49
he was still M.A. and owned a House with a Mortgage on it. In the
Meantime there had been revolutionary Changes in the World of Finance.
Everything on Earth had been put into a Pool. Each Smooth Citizen who
had something that was of no particular use to him went to work and
Capitalized it. Brad closed out his Interests for so much Money that
any one else would have been ashamed to take it. Then he and some
other Buccaneers went down to Wall Street to have fun with several
dignified Gentlemen whom Brad described as Them Fly Eastern Mugs. They
succeeded in putting the Skids under a number of Persons who did not
care to meet them Socially.
When Brad walked around in his Million Dollar Hut he had to step high
to avoid stumbling over Bundles of the Long Green; but he never had
made any further headway with his Botany.
It happened one Day that Brad was out Moting and he dropped in at the
College where his Boyhood Friend was now the Professor of Dipsicology
and Plamazzus.
"This is a likely-looking Plant," said Brad, as he sized up the
Campus. "I like to encourage these Joints because they help to keep
a lot of Young Fellows away from Business Offices. I find that I have
here in my Vest-Pocket a measly $50,000 that I have overlooked in
changing my Clothes. Give it to the Main Cheese and tell him to have a
Laboratory on me."
When the News got out all the sis-boom-ah Boys gave a Parade in their
Nighties. The Faculty called a Special Meeting and made Brad a Doctor
of Philosophy.
Next Year he put up for a Gym and they made him a Doctor of Divinity.
The Year Following he handed them a Telescope and became an LL.D.
[Illustration: _D.D.--LL.D.--Ph.D._]
Every time he coughed he was made some new kind of Doctor.
In fact, for a Man with a 6¼ Hat who did not know the difference
between the Pistil and the Stamen he was the most learned Thing in
Seven States. Professor Otis was crowded into the Ditch. Sometimes he
wonders which of the two has the nub end of the Argument that started
in the Red School-House.
* * * * *
MORAL: The Longest Way Around is the Shortest Way to the University
Degree.
* * * * *
_THE NIGHT-WATCH AND THE WOULD-BE SOMETHING AWFUL_
Once there was a full-sized Girl named Florine whose Folks kept close
Tab on her. Any night-blooming Harold who presumed to keep the Parlor
open after Midnight heard low Voices in the Hallway and then a Rap
on the Door. If Florine put on her Other Dress and went to a Hop then
Mother would sit up and wait for her, and 1 o'clock was the Outside
Limit. Consequently Florine would have to duck on the Festivities just
when everything was getting Good. Furthermore she would have to warn
Mr. Escort to behave himself when they drew near the House.
"Nothing doing at the Gate," she would say, warningly. "It's Dollars
to Dumplings that the Girl Detective is peeking out to get a line on
my Conduct. She has her Ear to the Ground about four-thirds of the
Time and if any one makes a Move, then Mother is Next. If Father takes
a Drink at the Club and then starts Homeward on a fast Trolley, Mother
knows all about it when he is still three Blocks from the House.
What's more, she is a knowing Bird and can't be fooled by Cloves or
these little Peppermint Choo-Choos. The only time when Mother kisses
Father is when she wants to catch him with the Goods. Look Out! This
is our Corner."
As soon as they had landed at the Gate, little Florine would say in
loud, clear Tones that would carry as far as the Sitting-Room Window,
"Oh, Mr. Gilblitz, I have had a most charming Evening, and I wish to
thank you most heartily."
Whereupon the Escort, standing 8 Feet away, with his Concertina Hat
in his Hand and the Face in the Moonlight beaming with child-like
Innocence, would come back thusly: "It's awfully good of you to say
that. Good Night."
[Illustration: _Florine._]
After which, Mother was supposed to believe that they had been 8 feet
apart all Evening. But Mother was Canny and up to Snuff, with a Memory
that reached back at least 25 Years. These little One-Act Plays under
the Window did not throw her off for any part of a Minute. Before
Florine turned in she was Cross-Examined and required to tell
with whom she had danced, and why and how often and what he said.
Occasionally the Daughter worked the Mental Reservation. In other
Words, she held out on Mother. She said that she had sat out most of
the Numbers, but she admitted going through a Square Dance with the
Young Man who passed the Plate at the Episcopal Church.
At which Mother would wink the Off Eye and murmur, "Is that so?" with
the Loud Pedal on the "That." Also something about being more than
Seven.
One of Florine's Ancestors on Mother's Side happened to be on Earth at
the time of the Revolution, and Father often spoke of a Second Cousin
who had been in Congress until the District tumbled to him. Because of
this Current of Blue Blood racing in her Veins, Florine was supposed
to be a trifle Classy and Mother was always afraid that she might get
Thumb-Marks on the Family Escutcheon. Therefore Florine was forbidden
to work up a Calling Acquaintance with any of the Hoi Polloi, which is
Greek for Selling-Platers. According to Mother, there were only about
8 Families in Town that really belonged and some of them didn't Belong
enough to hurt. Florine found herself cut out of many a Good Time
because the Chaperon for the Occasion chanced to be related to some
one who had been in the Liquor Business.
Florine was up against it ever so Hard. She had to go out in the Grape
Arbor when she wanted to chew Gum, and she kept her Reading Matter
under the Mattress. Nearly every high-speed Bachelor in Town had been
forbidden the Premises because of the Stories that were going around.
The kind that Mother approved were of the Lilac Division with White
Puff Ties and their Hair glued down. They talked about Choir Practice
and sometimes, when they were sufficiently wrought up, they played
Charades.
The only Chance that Florine had to mingle with the Popular Boys was
to go down Town in the Afternoon and just happen to meet one of them
at the Ice-Cream Parlor. Florine learned to be quite a Happener. But
on the way home she would have to fix up a few Jules Vernes for the
Old Lady in the Watch Tower. Mother knew that it didn't take 4 Hours
to be measured for a Shirt Waist.
"Wait until I get Married," Florine would say. "I'll make that 20-hour
Flyer look like a Steam-Roller. If Mother doesn't let up on me, I'll
learn to smoke Cigarettes."
At times she was so Desperate that she was ready to join a Troupe or
elope with a Drummer. She wanted to get out among the Bright Lights
and hear the Band play. And she knew that she couldn't turn Flip-Flops
and break Furniture and play Rag-Time along after Midnight until
she had become a Respectable. Married Woman. So she had her Distress
Signal out and used to drop very Broad Hints, when she was chatting
with the Lads who happened to be in the Soda-Water Resort when she
dropped in. They liked Florine for Keeps, but when one of them thought
of clinching with old Eagle-Eye, the Family Sleuth, he weakened.
[Illustration: _The Night-Watch._]
Florine would have remained a Dead Card if she had not gone on a Visit
to a neighboring City where she bumped into the Town Trifler. He had
a Way of proposing to every Girl the first time he met her. It always
seemed to him such a cordial Send-Off for a budding Friendship.
Usually the Girl asked for Time and then the two of them would Fiddle
around and Fuss and Make Up and finally send back all the Letters
and that would be the Finish. Florine fooled the foxy Philander. The
Moment he came at her with the Marriage Talk she took a firm Hold and
said, "You're on! Get your License to-morrow morning. Then cut all the
Telegraph Wires and burn the Railroad Bridges."
They were Married, and, strange as it may appear, Mother immediately
resigned her Job as Policeman and said: "Thank goodness, I've got you
Married Off! Now you can do as you please."
When Florine found that she could do as she pleased she discovered
that there wasn't very much of anything to do except Settle Down.
After about seven Chafing-Dish Parties she expended her whole Stock of
pent-up Ginger and now she is just as Quiet as the rest of us.
* * * * *
MORAL: Any System is O.K. if it finally Works Out.
* * * * *
_THE ATTENUATED ATTORNEY WHO RANG IN THE ASSOCIATE COUNSEL_
Once there was a sawed-off Attorney who had studied until he was
Bleary around the Eyes and as lean as a Razor-Back. He knew the Law
from Soup to Nuts, but much learning had put him a little bit to the
Willies. And his Size was against him. He lacked Bellows.
He was an inconspicuous little Runt. When he stood up to Plead, he
came a trifle higher than the Chair. Of the 90 pounds he carried,
about 45 were Gray Matter. He had Mental Merchandise to burn but no
way of delivering it.
When there was a Rally or some other Gabfest on the Bills, the
Committee never asked him to make an Address. The Committee wanted a
Wind-Jammer who could move the Leaves on a Tree 200 feet distant. The
dried-up Lawyer could write Great Stuff that would charm a Bird out
of a Tree, but he did not have the Tubes to enable him to Spout. When
he got up to Talk, it was all he could do to hear himself. The Juries
used to go to sleep on him. He needed a Megaphone. And he had about as
much Personal Magnetism as an Undertaker's Assistant.
The Runt lost many a Case because he could not Bark at the Jury
and pound Holes in a Table. His Briefs had been greatly admired
by the Supreme Court. Also it was known that he could draw up a
copper-riveted Contract that would hold Water, but as a Pleader he
was a Pickerel.
At one time he had an Important Suit on hand, and he was Worried, for
he was opposed by a couple of living Gas Engines who could rare up and
down in front of a yap Jury for further Orders.
"I have the Law on my Side," said the Runt. "Now if I were only
Six-Feet-Two with a sole-leather Thorax, I could swing the Verdict."
While he was repining, in came a Friend of his Youth, named Jim.
This Jim was a Book-Agent. He was as big as the Side of a House. He
had a Voice that sounded as if it came up an Elevator Shaft. When he
folded his Arms and looked Solemn, he was a colossal Picture of Power
in Repose. He wore a Plug Hat and a large Black Coat. Nature intended
him for the U.S. Senate, but used up all the Material early in the Job
and failed to stock the Brain Cavity.
Jim had always been at the Foot of the Class in School. At the age
of 40 he spelled Sure with an Sh and sank in a Heap when he tried to
add 8 and 7. But he was a tall Success as a Book Pedler, because he
learned his Piece and the 218 pounds of Dignified Superiority did the
Rest.
Wherever he went, he commanded Respect. He could go into a strange
Hotel and sit down at the Breakfast Table and say: "Please pass the
Syrup" in a Tone that had all the majestic Significance of an Official
Utterance. He would sit there in silent Meditation. Those who sized up
that elephantine Form and noted the Gravity of his Countenance and the
fluted Wrinkles on his high Brow, imagined that he was pondering on
the Immortality of the Soul. As a matter of fact, Jim was wondering
whether he would take Ham or Bacon with his Eggs.
Jim had the Bulk and the awe-inspiring Front. As long as he held to a
Napoleonic Silence he could carry out the Bluff. Little Boys tip-toed
when they came near him, and Maiden Ladies sighed for an introduction.
Nothing but a Post-Mortem Examination would have shown Jim up in his
True Light. The midget Lawyer looked up in Envy at his mastodonic
Acquaintance and sighed.
"If I could combine my Intellect with your Horse-Power, I would be the
largest Dandelion in the Legal Pasture," he said.
Then a Happy Idea struck him amidships.
"Jim, I want you to be my Associate Counsel," he said. "I understand,
of course, that you do not know the difference between a Caveat and a
Caviar Sandwich, but as long as you keep your Hair combed the way it
is now and wear that Thoughtful Expression, you're just as good as
the whole Choate Family. I will introduce you as an Eminent Attorney
from the East. I will guard the Law Points and you will sit there and
Dismay the Opposition by looking Wise."
So when the Case came up for Trial, the Runt led the august Jim into
the Court Room and introduced him as Associate Counsel. A Murmur
of Admiration ran throughout the Assemblage when Jim showed his
Commanding Figure, a Law Book under his Arm and a look of Heavy
Responsibility on his Face. Old Atlas, who carries the Globe on
his Shoulders, did not seem to be in it with this grand and gloomy
Stranger.
For two hours Jim had been rehearsing his Speech. He arose.
"Your Honor," he began.
At the Sound of that Voice, a scared Silence fell upon the Court Room.
It was like the Lower Octave of a Pipe Organ.
"Your Honor," said Jim, "we are ready for Trial."
The musical Rumble filled the Spacious Room and went echoing through
the Corridors. The Sound beat out through the Open Windows and checked
Traffic in the Street. It sang through the Telegraph Wires and lifted
every drooping Flag.
[Illustration: _Learned Colleague._]
The Jurors turned Pale and began to quiver. Opposing Counsel were as
white as a Sheet. Their mute and frightened Faces seemed to ask, "What
are we up against?"
Jim sat down and the Trial got under way.
Whenever Jim got his Cue he arose and said, "Your Honor and Gentlemen
of the Jury, I quite agree with my learned Colleague."
Then he would relapse and throw on a Socrates Frown and the Other
Side would go all to Pieces. Every time Jim cleared his Throat, you
could hear a Pin drop. There was no getting away from the dominating
Influence of the Master Mind.
The Jury was out only 10 Minutes. When the Verdict was rendered,
the Runt, who had provided everything except the Air Pressure, was
nearly trampled under foot in the general Rush to Congratulate the
distinguished Attorney from the East. The Little Man gathered up his
Books and did the customary Slink, while the False Alarm stood in
awful Silence and permitted the Judge and others to shake him by the
Hand.
* * * * *
MORAL: An Associate Counsel should weigh at least 200 Pounds.
* * * * *
_WHAT FATHER BUMPED INTO AT THE CULTURE FACTORY_
A Domestic Team had a Boy named Buchanan who refused to Work, so his
Parents decided that he needed a College Education. After he got
that, he could enter a Learned Profession, in which Work is a mere
Side-Issue.
The Father and Mother of Buchanan sent to the College for a Bunk
Catalogue. The Come-On Book had a Green Cover and it was full of
Information. It said that the Necessary Expenses counted up about $180
a year. All Students were under helpful and moral Influences from
the Moment they arrived. They were expected to hit the Mattress at 10
P.M., while Smoking was forbidden and no one could go to Town except
on a Special Permit.
"This is just the Place for Buchanan," said his Mother. "It will be
such a Comfort to know that Son is in his Room every Evening."
Accordingly Buchanan was supplied with six Shirts, two Suits of
everything, a Laundry-Bag, a Pin-Cushion, a Ready-Repair Kit and a
Flesh Brush, and away he rode to the Halls of Learning. He wrote back
that he was Home-Sick but determined to stick out because he realized
the Advantages of a College Education. He said his Eyes hurt him a
little from Reading at Night and he had to buy a great many Extra
Books, but otherwise he was fine and fancy. Love to all and start a
little Currency by the first Mail.
After Buchanan had been toiling up the Hill of Knowledge for nearly
two Months, and sending hot Bulletins back to the Old Folks, his
Father decided to visit him and give him some Encouragement.
"The Poor Boy must be lonesome down there among all those Strangers,"
said Father. "I'll drop in on him and brighten him up."
So Father landed in the College Town and inquired for Buchanan, but no
one had heard of such a Person.
"Perhaps you mean 'Old Buck,'" said a Pale Youth, with an ingrowing
Hat. "If he's the Indian you want to see, I'll show you where he hangs
out."
The Proud Parent was steered to a faded Boarding House and found
himself in a Chamber of Horrors that seemed to be a Cross between a
Junk-Shop and a Turkish Corner. Here he found the College Desperado
known as "Old Buck," attired in a Bath-Robe, plunking a stingy little
Mandolin and smoking a Cigarette that smelled as if somebody had been
standing too close to the Stove.
"Hello, Guv," said the Seeker after Truth. "Wait until I do a Quick
Change and we'll go out and get a few lines of Breakfast."
"Breakfast at 2 P.M.?" inquired Father.
"We had a very busy Night," explained Buchanan. "The Sophomores have
disputed our Right to wear Red Neckties, so last night we captured
the President of the Soph Class, tied him to a Tree and beat him to
a Whisper with a Ball Bat. Then we started over to set fire to the
Main Building and we were attacked by a Gang of Sophs. That is how I
happened to get this Bum Lamp. Just as he gave me the knee, I butted
him in the Solar Plexus. He's had two Doctors working on him ever
since. And now the Freshies are going to give me a Supper at the Dutch
Restaurant to-morrow Night and there is some Talk of electing me Class
Poet. So you see, I am getting along fine."
[Illustration: _Souvenirs._]
"You are doing Great Work for a Mere Child," said the Parent. "If you
keep on, you may be U.S. Senator some day. But tell me, where did you
get all of these Sign-Boards, Placards, Head-stones and other Articles
of Vertu?"
"I swiped those," replied the Collegian. "In order to be a real
Varsity Devil, one must bring home a few Souvenirs every Night he goes
out. If the Missionaries did it, it would be called Looting. If the
Common People did it, it would be called Petit Larceny. But with us,
it is merely a Student Prank."
"I understand," said Father. "Nothing can be more playful than to nail
a Tombstone and use it for a Paper-Weight."
"Would you like to look around the Institution?" asked Buchanan.
"Indeed, I should," was the Reply. "Although I have been denied
the blessed Privileges of Higher Education, I love to get into an
Atmosphere of four-ply Intellectuality and meet those Souls who are
above the sordid Considerations of workaday Commercialism."
"You talk like a Bucket of Ashes," said the Undergraduate. "I'm not
going to put you up against any Profs. Follow me and I'll fix it
so that you can shake Hands with the Guy that eats 'em alive. I'll
take you over to the Corral and show you the Wild-Cats. They've been
drinking Blood all Morning and are feeling good and Cagey. About
3 o'clock we turn them out into the Arena and let them plow up the
Turf."
"Is this a College or a Zoo?" asked the Parent.
"I refer to the Squad," said Buchanan. "We keep about 40 at the
Training Table all of the time, so that no matter how many are killed
off, we will always have 11 left. We have a Centre Rush who weighs
238, and you wouldn't dent him with a Hatchet. We caught him in the
Woods north of Town and brought him down here. He is taking a Special
Course in Piano Music two hours a Week and the rest of the Time he is
throwing Substitutes down and biting them on the Arm."
Buchanan and his trembling Parent sat at the edge of the Gridiron and
watched the Carnage for a while. Buchanan explained that it was merely
Friendly Practice.
That Evening the Son said: "Father, you can stay only a Little While
and I want to give you a Good Time while you are here. Come with us.
We are going down to the Opera House to put a Show on the Bum. One
of the first things we learn at College is to kid the Troupers. It is
considered Great Sport in these Parts. Then, if any one gets Pinched,
we tear down the Jail, thereby preserving the Traditions of dear old
Alma Mater."
"Does the Faculty permit you to be guilty of Disorderly Conduct?"
asked the Parent.
[Illustration: _Friendly Practice._]
"Any one who goes against the Faculty single-handed is a Fink,"
replied Buchanan. "We travel 800 in a Bunch, so that when the Inquest
is held, there is no way of finding out just who it was that landed
the Punch. Anything that happens in a College Town is an Act of
Providence. Now come along and see the American Youth at Play."
They found their way to the Temple of Art. When the Chemical Soubrette
started in to sing "Hello, Central, give me Heaven," they gave her
just the Opposite of what she was demanding. A few Opera Chairs were
pulled up by the Roots and tossed on the Stage, merely to disconcert
the Artiste. When the House Policeman came he was hurled 30 Feet
into the Air and soon after that the Show broke up. The Student Body
flocked out and upset a Trolley Car, and then they went homeward in
the Moonlight singing, "Sweet Memories of College Days, La-la! La-la!"
Father's Hat was caved in and he was a trifle Bewildered, but he
managed to observe that the Boys were a trifle Boisterous when they
got a Fair Start.
"Oh, yes; but they don't Mean anything by it," explained Buchanan.
[Illustration: _Preserving the Traditions._]
"I hope they will explain that to the House Policeman as soon as
they get him to the Hospital," said the Parent. "Otherwise, he might
misconstrue their Motives."
Next Day, when he went back, he told Mother not to worry about
Buchanan, as he seemed to have a full and sympathetic Grasp on the
true Inwardness of Modern Educational Methods.
* * * * *
MORAL: Attend to the Remittances and Son will do the Rest.
* * * * *
_THE SEARCH FOR THE RIGHT HOUSE AND HOW MRS. JUMP HAD HER ANNUAL
ATTACK_
Once there was a Family called Jump that had sampled every Ward
within the Corporation Limits.
The Jumps did a Caravan Specialty every time the Frost went out of
the Ground.
When the Sarsaparilla Ads began to blossom, and the Peach Crop had
been ruined by the late Cold Snap and the Kids were batting up Flies
in the Lot back of the Universalist Church, and a Barrel-Organ down
Street was tearing the Soul out of "Trovatore"--these were the Cues
for Mrs. Jump to get her Nose into the Air and begin to champ at the
Bit.
Mother was a House-Hunter from away back. She claimed to be an Invalid
eleven months out of the Year and took Nerve Medicine that cost $2.00
a Bottle. Just the same when April hove into view and Dame Nature
began to stretch herself, then Mother put on her Short Skirt and a
pair of Shoes intended for a Man and did a tall Prance.
She was good for 12 hours a Day on any kind of Pavements. With her
Reticule loaded full of "To Let" Clippings, she hot-footed from Street
to Street. Every time she struck a Fresh Trail she broke into a Run.
Mother was looking for a House that had twice as many Closets as Rooms
and a Southern Exposure on all four sides.
She had conned herself into the Belief that some day she would run
down a Queen Anne Shack that would be O.K. in all Particulars.
In the Magazine that came every Month she had seen these
Dream-Pictures of Palaces that can be put up for $1,500.00, if you
steal your Materials.
She had gazed at the Bunco Illustration of the swell Structure with
bushy Trees dotting the Lawn and a little Girl rolling a Hoop along
the Cement Side-Walk and she had set her Heart on that kind of a Home.
Mother loved to study the Plans and count the Bath-rooms and figure on
Window Seats and what kind of Curtains to put in the Guest Chamber.
[Illustration: _May 1st._]
Every Spring she found the Place she had been seeking and gave a Grand
Signal for the whole Outfit to begin packing up. Those were the bright
vernal Days when Mr. Jump got all that was coming to him. Mr. Jump
was a Man, therefore any old kind of a Hut suited him. For eight years
before starting on his continuous Tour with Mother, he had roomed over
a Drug Store.
His Apartment had been one of those delectable Man-Joints where Women
never butted in to hide things and give the whole Place a Soapy Smell.
The Sweepings went under the Bed, so as not to litter up the Hallway.
Once a Year he had a House-Cleaning. That is to say, he employed a
Colored Man to beat the Rugs, which had to be separated from the Floor
by means of a Shovel.
Inasmuch as Women never came in to straighten up, he knew where to
find everything. He knew it was somewhere in the Room and all he had
to do was to excavate until he found it.
Then he hooked up with Laura so as to get a real Home and she gave him
a new one every Year.
Mr. Jump soon discovered that, although every Man is the Architect of
his own Fortune, the Wife usually superintends the Construction.
When Mrs. Jump made her Spring Announcement that they would move to
another House, he did a deal of Kicking, but he always went into the
Wood Shed to do it. He sassed her inwardly, but not so that she could
hear.
She was a Wonder at framing up Reasons for hurling the Lease back at
the Landlord.
One Year she quit because the Owner papered the Upstairs with a Jay
Pattern that cost only 15 cents a Bolt. Another time the Family next
door kept Chickens. Usually the Children across the Alley were not fit
Associates for their own little Brood.
One Time she quit on account of a Cockroach. She saw it scoot across
the Pantry and that afternoon she headed for a Renting Agency.
Father suggested that instead of vacating in favor of the Cockroach,
they offer a reward of $100 for its Capture, dead or alive, and
thereby save a little Money, but she refused to listen.
If the Plumbing wasn't out of Whack, the Furnace required too much
Coal or else the Woman across the Street had been divorced too many
times.
If they squatted in a low-down Neighborhood, Mrs. Jump was ashamed to
give her Address to Friends in the Congregation.
If they got into a Nest of the New Rich, then Laura had the freeze-out
worked on her, because Mr. Jump was on a Salary and she had to ride
on the Trolleys. So she began looking for a Street in which Intellect
would successfully stack up against the good, old Collateral. And, of
course, that meant a long Search.
Therefore, every May 1st, something Red and about the size of a
Caboose backed up to the Jumps'. Several husky Boys began throwing
Things out of the Windows.
Father did a Vanishing Act. When it came to lifting one corner of a
Piano or hanging Pictures he was a sad Bluff and he knew it.
"How about Paradise?" he asked one day. "I understand that inside
of the Pearly Gates, each Family has Permanent Quarters. There are
no Folding Beds to juggle down Back Stairways, no Picture Cords to
Shorten, no Curtain Poles to saw off, no Book Cases to get jammed in
Stairways. I am sure there will be no Piano Movers, for I have heard
their Language. Do you think you can be happy in the Promised Land?"
"It will depend entirely on whether or not the Rugs fit," she replied.
"Let us hope for the Best," said Mr. Jump.
* * * * *
MORAL: The Queen of the May is usually a Woman.
* * * * *
_THE BATCH OF LETTERS, OR ONE DAY WITH A BUSY MAN_
One Morning an energetic little Man who had about a Ton of Work piled
up on his Desk came down Town with a Hop, Skip and Jump determined to
clean up the whole Lay-Out before Nightfall.
He had taken eight hours of Slumber and a cold Dip in the Porcelain.
After Breakfast he came out into the Spring Sunshine feeling as fit as
a Fiddle and as snippy as a young Colt.
"Me to the Office to get that Stack of Letters off my Mind," said the
Hopeful Citizen.
When he dashed into the Office he carried 220 pounds of Steam and was
keen for the Attack.
A tall Man with tan Whiskers arose from behind the roll-top Desk and
greeted him.
"How are you feeling this Morning?" asked the Stranger.
"Swell and Sassy," was the Reply.
"And yet, to-morrow you may join the Appendicitis Colony and day after
to-morrow you may lie in the darkened Front Room with Floral Offerings
on all sides," said the Stranger. "What you want is one of our
non-reversible, twenty-year, pneumatic Policies with the Reserve Fund
Clause. Kindly glance at this Chart. Suppose you take the reactionable
Endowment with the special Proviso permitting the accumulation of both
Premium and Interest. On a $10,000 Policy for 20 Years you make $8,800
clear, whether you live or die, while the Company loses $3,867.44 as
you can see for yourself."
"This is my--" began the Man.
"Or, you may prefer the automatic tontine Policy with ball-bearings,"
continued the Death Angel. "In this case, the entire Residue goes into
the Sinking Fund and draws Compound Interest. This is made possible
under our new System of reducing Operating Expenses to a Minimum and
putting the Executive Department into the Hands of well-known New
York Financiers who do not seek Pecuniary Reward but are actuated by
a Philanthropic Desire to do good to all Persons living west of the
Alleghenies."
"That will be about all from you," said the Man. "Mosey! Duck! Up an
Alley!"
"Then you don't care what becomes of your Family?" asked the Stranger,
in a horrified Tone.
"My Relatives are collecting all of their Money in Advance," said the
Man. "If they are not worrying over the Future, I don't see why you
should lose any Sleep."
So the Solicitor went out and told every one along the Street that the
Man lacked Foresight.
At 9.30 o'clock the industrious little Man picked up letter number 1
and said to the Blonde Stenographer, "Dear Sir."
At that moment the Head of the Credit Department hit him on the Back
and said he had a Good One. It was all about little Frankie, the Only
Child, the Phenom, the 40-pound Prodigy.
[Illustration: _The New House._]
In every large Establishment there is a gurgling Parent who comes
down in the Morning with a Story concerning the incipient Depew out
at their House. It seems that little Frankie has been told something
at Sunday School and he asked his Mother about it and she told him
so-and-so, whereupon the Infant Joker arose to the Emergency and said:
and then you get it, and any one who doesn't laugh is lacking in a
Finer Appreciation of Child Nature. The Busy Man listened to Frankie's
Latest and asked, "What's the Rest of it?"
So the Parent remarked to several People that day that the Man was
sinking into a crabbed Old Age.
At 10 A.M. the Man repeated "Dear Sir" and a Voice came to him,
remarking on the Beauty of the Weather. A Person who might have been
Professor of Bee-Culture in the Pike County Agricultural Seminary, so
far as make-up was concerned, took the Man by the Hand and informed
him that he (the Man) was a Prominent Citizen and that being the case
he would be given a Reduction on the Half-Morocco Edition. While doing
his 150 Words a Minute, he worked a Kellar Trick and produced a large
Prospectus from under his Coat. Before the Busy Man could grab a
Spindle and defend himself, he was looking at a half-tone Photo of
Aristotle and listening to all the different Reasons why the Work
should be in every Gentleman's Library. Then the Agent whispered the
Inside Price to him so that the Stenographer would not hear and began
to fill out a Blank. The Man summoned all his Strength and made a
Buck.
"I don't read Books," he said. "I am an Intellectual Nit. Clear Out!"
So the Agent gave him a couple of pitying Looks and departed, meeting
in the Doorway a pop-eyed Person with his Hat on the Back of his Head
and a Roll of Blue Prints under his Arm. The Man looked up and moaned.
He recognized his Visitor as a most dangerous Monomaniac--the one who
is building a House and wants to show the Plans.
"I've got everything figured out," he began, "except that we can't get
from the Dining Room to the Library without going through the Laundry
and there's no Flue connecting with the Kitchen. What do you think I'd
better do?"
"I think you ought to live at a Hotel," was the reply.
The Monomaniac went home and told his Wife that he had been insulted.
At 11.30 came a Committee of Ladies soliciting Funds for the Home for
the Friendless.
"Those who are Friendless don't know their own Luck," said the Busy
Man, whereupon the Ladies went outside and agreed that he was a Brute.
At Noon he went out and lunched on Bromo Seltzer.
When he rushed back to tackle his Correspondence, he was met by a
large Body of Walking Delegates who told him that he had employed a
non-union Man to paint his Barn and that he was a Candidate for the
Boycott. He put in an Hour squaring himself and then he turned to the
Stenographer.
"How far have we got?" he asked.
"'Dear Sir,'" was the Reply.
[Illustration: _The Committee._]
Just then he got the Last Straw--a bewildered Rufus with a Letter of
Introduction. That took 40 Minutes. When Rufe walked out, the Busy Man
fell with his Face among the unanswered Letters.
"Call a Cab," he said.
"The 'Phone is out of order," was the Reply.
"Ring for a Messenger," he said.
She pulled the Buzzer and in 20 minutes there slowly entered a boy
from the Telegraph Office.
The Man let out a low Howl like that of a Prairie Wolf and ran from
the Office. When he arrived at Home he threw his Hat at the Rack and
then made the Children back into the Corner and keep quiet. His Wife
told around that Henry was Working too hard.
* * * * *
MORAL: Work is a Snap, but the Intermissions do up the Nervous System.
* * * * *
_THE SICKLY DREAM AND HOW IT WAS DOCTORED UP_
One Day a pure white Soul that made Sonnets by hand was sitting in
his Apartment embroidering a Canto. He had all the Curtains drawn and
was sitting beside a Shaded Candle waiting for the Muse to keep her
Appointment. He wore an Azure Dressing-Gown. Occasionally he wept,
drying his Eyes on a Salmon Pink Handkerchief bordered with yellow
Morning Glories. Any one could tell by looking at him that he was a
delicate Organism and had been raised a Pet.
Presently he put his left Hand to his Brow and began to indite with a
pearl-handled Pen on Red Paper. Then there was a Ring at the Bell.