Merlin by name, a conjuror by trade,
And to my art thou dost thy being owe.
_Thumb_. How!
_Merl_. Hear, then, the mystick getting of Tom Thumb.
[1] His father was a ploughman plain,
His mother milk'd the cow;
And yet the way to get a son
This couple knew not how,
Until such time the good old man
To learned Merlin goes,
And there to him, in great distress,
In secret manner shows
How in his heart he wish'd to have
A child, in time to come,
To be his heir, though it may be
No bigger than his thumb:
Of which old Merlin was foretold
That he his wish should have;
And so a son of stature small
The charmer to him gave.
Thou'st heard the past--look up and see the future.
[Footnote 1: See the History of Tom Thumb, page 2.]
_Thumb_. [1] Lost in amazement's gulf, my senses sink;
See there, Glumdalca, see another [2] me!
[Footnote 1:
Amazement swallows up my sense,
And in the impetuous whirl of circling fate
Drinks down my reason.--_Persian Princess_.
]
[Footnote 2:
I have outfaced myself.
What! am I two? Is there another me?--_King Arthur_.
]
_Glum_. Oh, sight of horror! see, you are devour'd
By the expanded jaws of a red cow.
_Merl_. Let not these sights deter thy noble mind,
[1] For, lo! a sight more glorious courts thy eyes.
See from afar a theatre arise;
There ages, yet unborn, shall tribute pay
To the heroick actions of this day;
Then buskin tragedy at length shall chuse
Thy name the best supporter of her muse.
[Footnote 1: The character of Merlin is wonderful throughout; but most
so in this prophetick part. We find several of these prophecies in the
tragick authors, who frequently take this opportunity to pay a
compliment to their country, and sometimes to their prince. None but
our author (who seems to have detested the least appearance of
flattery) would have past by such an opportunity of being a political
prophet.]
_Thumb_. Enough: let every warlike musick sound,
We fall contented, if we fall renown'd.
SCENE IX.--LORD GRIZZLE, FOODLE, Rebels, _on one
side_; TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, _on the other_.
_Food_. At length the enemy advances nigh,
[1] I hear them with my ear, and see them with my eye.
[Footnote 1:
I saw the villain, Myron; with these eyes I saw him.
--_Busiris_.
In both which places it is intimated that it is sometimes possible to
see with other eyes than your own.
]
_Griz_. Draw all your swords: for liberty we fight,
[1] And liberty the mustard is of life.
[Footnote 1: "This mustard," says Mr D., "is enough to turn one's
stomach. I would be glad to know what idea the author had in his head
when he wrote it." This will be, I believe, best explained by a line
of Mr Dennis:
And gave him liberty, the salt of life.--_Liberty Asserted_.
The understanding that can digest the one will not rise at the other.]
_Thumb_. Are you the man whom men famed Grizzle name?
_Griz_. [1] Are you the much more famed Tom Thumb?
[Footnote 1:
_Han_. Are you the chief whom men famed Scipio call?
_Scip_. Are you the much more famous Hannibal?
--_Hannibal_.
]
_Thumb_. The same.
_Griz_. Come on; our worth upon ourselves we'll prove;
For liberty I fight.
_Thumb_. And I for love.
[_A bloody engagement between the two armies here; drums beating,
trumpets sounding, thunder and lightning. They fight off and on
several times. Some fall_. GRIZ. _and_ GLUM. _remain_.
_Glum_. Turn, coward, turn; nor from a woman fly.
_Griz_. Away--thou art too ignoble for my arm.
_Glum_. Have at thy heart.
_Griz_. Nay, then I thrust at thine.
_Glum_. You push too well; you've run me through the guts,
And I am dead.
_Griz_. Then there's an end of one.
Thumb_. When thou art dead, then there's an end of two,
[1] Villain.
[Footnote 1: Dr. Young seems to have copied this engagement in his
Busiris:
_Myr_. Villain!
_Mem_. Myron!
_Myr_. Rebel!
_Mem_. Myron!
_Myr_. Hell!
_Mem_. Mandane!
]
_Griz_. Tom Thumb!
_Thumb_. Rebel!
_Griz_. Tom Thumb!
_Thumb_. Hell!
_Griz_. Huncamunca!
_Thumb_. Thou hast it there.
_Griz_. Too sure I feel it.
_Thumb_. To hell then, like a rebel as you are,
And give my service to the rebels there.
_Griz_. Triumph not, Thumb, nor think thou shalt enjoy,
Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd; I'll send
[1] My ghost to fetch her to the other world;
[2] It shall but bait at heaven, and then return.
[3] But, ha! I feel death rumbling in my brains:
[4] Some kinder sprite knocks softly at my soul,
And gently whispers it to haste away.
I come, I come, most willingly I come.
[5] So when some city wife, for country air,
To Hampstead or to Highgate does repair,
Her to make haste her husband does implore,
And cries, "My dear, the coach is at the door:"
With equal wish, desirous to be gone,
She gets into the coach, and then she cries--"Drive on!"
[Footnote 1: This last speech of my lord Grizzle hath been of great
service to our poets:
I'll hold it fast
As life, and when life's gone I'll hold this last;
And if thou tak'st it from me when I'm slain,
I'll send my ghost, and fetch it back again.
--_Conquest of Granada_.
]
[Footnote 2: My soul should with such speed obey,
It should not bait at heaven to stop its way.
Lee seems to have had this last in his eye:
'Twas not my purpose, sir, to tarry there;
I would but go to heaven to take the air.--_Gloriana_.
]
[Footnote 3:
A rising vapour rumbling in my brains.--_Cleomenes_.
]
[Footnote 4:
Some kind sprite knocks softly at my soul,
To tell me fate's at hand.
]
[Footnote 5: Mr Dryden seems to have had this simile in his eye, when he
says,
My soul is packing up, and just on wing.
--_Conquest of Granada_.
]
_Thumb_. With those last words [1] he vomited his soul,
Which, [2] like whipt cream, the devil will swallow down.
Bear off the body, and cut off the head,
Which I will to the king in triumph lug.
Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to breakfast.
[Footnote 1: And in a purple vomit pour'd his soul
--_Cleomenes_.
]
[Footnote 2: The devil swallows vulgar souls Like whipt cream.
--_Sebastian_.
]
SCENE X.--KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, Courtiers.
_King_. Open the prisons, set the wretched free,
And bid our treasurer disburse six pounds
To pay their debts.--Let no one weep to-day.
Come, Dollallolla; [1] curse that odious name!
It is so long, it asks an hour to speak it.
By heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll,
Or any other civil monosyllable,
That will not tire my tongue.--Come, sit thee down.
Here seated let us view the dancers' sports;
Bid 'em advance. This is the wedding-day
Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb;
Tom Thumb! who wins two victories [2] to-day,
And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's head.
[_A dance here._
[Footnote 1:
How I could curs my name of Ptolemy!
It is so long, it asks an hour to write it,
By Heaven! I'll change it into Jove or Mars!
Or any other civil monosyllable,
That will not tire my hand.
--_Cleomenes_.
]
[Footnote 2: Here is a visible conjunction of two days in one, by
which our author may have either intended an emblem of a wedding, or
to insinuate that men in the honey-moon are apt to imagine time
shorter than it is. It brings into my mind a passage in the comedy
called the Coffee-House Politician:
We will celebrate this day at my house to-morrow.
]
[Illustration: The Death of Lord Grizzle.]
_Nood_. Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible, oh! oh!
Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes!
Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost!
[1] Howl wolves, grunt bears, hiss snakes, shriek all ye 'ghosts!
[Footnote 1: These beautiful phrases are all to be found in one single
speech of King Arthur, or the British Worthy.]
_King_. What does the blockhead mean?
_Nood_. I mean, my liege,
[1] Only to grace my tale with decent horror.
Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high,
I look'd abroad into the streets below,
I saw Tom Thumb attended by the mob;
Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links,
Chairmen and porters, hackney-coachmen, whores;
Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle;
When of a sudden through the streets there came
A cow, of larger than the usual size,
And in a moment--guess, oh! guess the rest!--
And in a moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb.
[Footnote 1:
I was but teaching him to grace his tale
With decent horror. --_Cleomenes_.
]
_King_. Shut up again the prisons, bid my treasurer
Not give three farthings out-hang all the culprits,
Guilty or not--no matter.--Ravish virgins:
Go bid the schoolmasters whip all their boys!
Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose,
To rob, impose on, and to kill the world.
_Nood_. Her majesty the queen is in a swoon.
_Queen_. Not so much in a swoon but I have still
Strength to reward the messenger of ill news.
[_Kills_ NOODLE.
_Nood_. O! I am slain.
_Cle_. My lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so.
[_Kills the_ QUEEN.
_Hunc_. My mamma kill'd! vile murderess, beware.
[_Kills_ CLEORA.
_Dood_. This for an old grudge to thy heart.
[_Kills_ HUNCAMUNCA.
_Must_. And this
I drive to thine, O Doodle! for a new one.
[_Kills_ DOODLE.
_King_. Ha! murderess vile, take that. [_Kills_ MUST.
[1] And take thou this. [_Kills himself, and falls_.
So when the child, whom nurse from danger guards,
Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards,
Kings, queens, and knaves, throw one another down,
Till the whole pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown;
So all our pack upon the floor is cast,
And all I boast is--that I fall the last. [_Dies_.
[Footnote 1: We may say with Dryden,
Death did at length so many slain forget,
And left the tale, and took them by the great.
I know of no tragedy which comes nearer to this charming and bloody
catastrophe than Cleomenes, where the curtain covers five principal
characters dead on the stage. These lines too--
I ask no questions then, of who kill'd who?
The bodies tell the story as they lie--
seem to have belonged more properly to this scene of our author; nor
can I help imagining they were originally his, The Rival Ladies, too,
seem beholden to this scene:
We're now a chain of lovers link'd in death;
Julia goes first, Gonsalvo hangs on her,
And Angelina hangs upon Gonsalvo,
As I on Angelina.
No scene, I believe, ever received greater honours than this. It was
applauded by several encores, a word very unusual in tragedy. And it
was very difficult for the actors to escape without a second
slaughter. This I take to be a lively assurance of that fierce spirit
of liberty which remains among us, and which Mr Dryden, in his essay
on Dramatick Poetry, hath observed: "Whether custom," says he, "hath
so insinuated itself into our countrymen, or nature hath so formed
them to fierceness, I know not; but they will scarcely suffer combats
and other objects of horror to be taken from them." And indeed I am
for having them encouraged in this martial disposition; nor do I
believe our victories over the French have been owing to anything more
than to those bloody spectacles daily exhibited in our tragedies, of
which the French stage is so intirely clear.
]
* * * * *
PASQUIN;
A DRAMATICK SATIRE ON THE TIMES
BEING THE REHEARSAL OF TWO PLAYS: VIZ.,
A COMEDY CALLED
THE ELECTION,
AND A TRAGEDY CALLED
THE LIFE AND DEATH OF
COMMON SENSE.
FIRST ACTED IN APRIL 1736.
_DRAMATIS PERSONAe_.
_Trapwit_, Author . . . . . . . . . Mr ROBERTS,
_Fustian_, Author . . . . . . . . . Mr LACY.
_Sneerwell_ (a critick) . . . . . . Mr MACHEN.
Several Players and Prompter.
PERSONS IN THE COMEDY.
_Lord Place_, Candidate . . . . . Mrs CHARKE,
_Colonel Promise_, Candidate . . Mr FREEMAN,
_Sir Henry Fox-Chace_, Candidate . . Mr TOPHAM,
_Squire Tankard_, Candidate . . . Mr SMITH,
_Mayor_ . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr JONES.
_Aldermen, Voters, &c_.
_Mrs Mayoress_ . . . . . . . . . Mrs EGERTON.
_Miss Mayoress_ . . . . . . . . . Miss J. JONES.
_Miss Stitch_ . . . . . . . . . . Miss BURGESS.
_Servants, Mob, &c_.
PERSONS IN THE TRAGEDY.
_Queen Common-Sense_ . . . . . . Mrs EGERTON.
_Queen Ignorance_ . . . . . . . . Mr STRENSHAM.
_Firebrand_ (Priest of the Sun) . Mr ROBERTS.
_Law_ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr YATES.
_Physick_ . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr JONES.
_Ghost of Tragedy_ . . . . . . . Mr PULLEN.
_Ghost of Comedy_ . . . . . . . . Mr JONES.
_Third Ghost_ . . . . . . . . . . Mr WALLIS.
_Harlequin_ . . . . . . . . . . . Mr PULLEN.
_Officer_ . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr PULLEN.
_Messenger_ . . . . . . . . . . . Mr WALLIS.
_Drummer_ . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr LOWDER.
_Attendants on Ignorance, Maids of Honour, &c_.
SCENE, the Play-House.
ACT I.
SCENE I.--_Enter several_ Players.
1 _Play_. When does the rehearsal begin?
2 _Play_. I suppose we shall hardly rehearse the comedy this
morning, for the author was arrested as he was going home from King's
coffee-house; and, as I heard it was for upward of four pound, I
suppose he will hardly get bail.
1 _Play_. Where's the tragedy-author then? I have a long part in
both, and it's past ten o'clock.
_Wom. P_. Ay, I have a part in both too; I wish any one else had
them, for they are not seven lengths put together. I think it is very
hard a woman of my standing should have a short part put upon her. I
suppose Mrs Merit will have all our principal parts now, but I am
resolved I'll advertise against her. I'll let the town know how I am
injured.
1 _Play_. Oh! here comes our tragedy-poet.
_Enter_ FUSTIAN.
_Fust_. Gentlemen, your servant; ladies, yours. I should have
been here sooner, but I have been obliged, at their own requests, to
wait upon some half-dozen persons of the first quality with tickets:
upon my soul 1 have been chid for putting off my play so long. I hope
you are all quite perfect, for the town will positively stay for it
no longer. I think I may very well put upon the bills, _At the
particular desire of several ladles of quality_, the first night.
_Enter_ Prompter.
_Promp_. Mr Fustian, we must defer the rehearsal of your
tragedy, for the gentleman who plays the first ghost is not yet up;
and when he is, he has got such a churchyard-cough he will not be
heard to the middle of the pit.
1 _Play_. I wish you could cut the ghost out, sir, for I am
terribly afraid he'll be damned if you don't.
_Fust_. Cut him out, sir? He is one of the most considerable
persons in the play.
_Promp_. Then, sir, you must give the part to somebody else; for
the present is so lame he can hardly walk the stage.
_Fust_. Then he shall be carried, for no man in England can act
a ghost like him. Sir, he was born a ghost--he was made for the
part--and the part writ for him.
_Promp_. Well, sir, then we hope you will give us leave to
rehearse the comedy first.
_Fust_. Ay, ay, you may rehearse it first, if you please, and
act it first too. If it keeps mine back above three nights, I am
mistaken. I don't know what friends the author may have; but if ever
such stuff, such damned, incoherent, senseless stuff, was ever
brought on any stage--if the audience suffer it to go through three
acts--Oh! he's here.
_Enter_ TRAPWIT.
Dear Mr Trapwit! your most humble servant, sir; I read your comedy
over last night, and a most excellent one it is: if it runs as long
as it deserves you will engross the whole season to yourself.
_Trap_. Sir, I am glad it met with your approbation, as there is
no man whose taste and judgment I have a better opinion of. But pray,
sir, why don't they proceed to the rehearsal of your tragedy? I
assure you, sir, I had much difficulty to get hither so early.
2 _Play_. Yes, faith, I believe you had. [_Aside_.
_Fust_. Sir, your comedy is to be rehearsed first.
_Trap_. Excuse me, sir, I know the deference due to tragedy
better.
_Fust_. Sir, I would not have you think I give up the cause of
tragedy; but my ghost, being ill, sir, cannot get up without danger,
and I would not risque the life of my ghost on any account.
_Trap_. You are in the right on't, sir; for a ghost is the soul
of tragedy.
_Fust_. Ay, sir, I think it is not amiss to remind people of
those things which they are now-a-days too apt to disbelieve;
besides, we have lately had an act against witches, and I don't
question but shortly we shall have one against ghosts. But come, Mr
Trapwit, as we are for this once to give the precedence to comedy,
e'en let us begin.
_Trap_. Ay, ay, with all my heart. Come, come, where's the
gentleman who speaks the prologue? This prologue, Mr Fustian, was
given me by a friend, who does not care to own it till he tries
whether it succeeds or no.
_Enter_ Player _for the Prologue_.
Come, sir, make a very low bow to the audience; and shew as much
concern as possible in your looks.
PROLOGUE.
As crafty lawyers, to acquire applause,
Try various arts to get a doubtful cause;
Or, as a dancing master in a jigg,
With various steps instructs the dancing prig;
Or as a doctor writes you different bills;
Or as a quack prescribes you different pills;
Or as a fiddler plays more tunes than one;
Or as a baker bakes more bread than brown;
Or as a tumbler tumbles up and down;
So does our author, rummaging his brain,
By various methods try to entertain;
Brings a strange groupe of characters before you,
And shews you here at once both Whig and Tory;
Or court and country party you may call 'em:
But without fear and favour he will maul 'em.
To you, then, mighty sages of the pit--
_Trap_. Oh! dear sir, seem a little more affected, I beseech
you; advance to the front of the stage, make a low bow, lay your hand
upon your heart, fetch a deep sigh, and pull out your handkerchief:
To you, then, mighty sages of the pit--
_Prol_. To you, then, mighty sages of the pit,
Our author humbly does his cause submit.
He trys to please--oh! take it not amiss:
And though it should be dull, oh! do not hiss;
Laugh, if you can--if you cannot laugh, weep:
When you can wake no longer--fall asleep.
_Trap_. Very well! very well, sir! You have affected me, I am
sure.
_Fust_. And so he will the audience, I'll answer for them.
_Trap_. Oh, sir, you're too good-natured; but, sir, I do assure
you I had writ a much better prologue of my own; but, as this came
gratis, have reserved it for my next play--a prologue saved is a
prologue got, brother Fustian. But come, where are your actors? Is
Mr Mayor and the Aldermen at the table?
_Promp_. Yes, sir; but they want wine, and we can get none from
the quaker's cellar without ready money.
_Trap_. Rat him! can't he trust till the third night? Here,
take sixpence, and fetch two pots of porter, put it into bottles, and
it will do for wine well enough.
_Fust_. Ay, faith, and the wine will be as good as the wit, I'll
answer for it. [_Aside_.
_Trap_. Mr Fustian, you'll observe I do not begin this play,
like most of our modern comedies, with three or four gentlemen who
are brought on only to talk wit; for, to tell you the truth, sir, I
have very little, if any, wit in this play. No, sir, this is a play
consisting of humour, nature, and simplicity. It is written, sir, in
the exact and true spirit of Moliere: and this I will say for it,
that, except about a dozen, or a score or so, there is not one impure
joke in it. But come, clear the stage, and draw the back scene! Mr
Fustian, if you please to sit down by me.
[Mayor _and_ Aldermen _discovered_.
_Fust_. Pray, sir, who are these characters?
_Trap_. Sir, they are Mr Mayor of the town and his brethren,
consulting about the election.
_Fust_. Are they all of a side, sir?
_Trap_. Yes, sir, as yet; for you must know, sir, that all the
men in this borough are very sensible people, and have no party
principles for which they cannot give a good reason; Mr Mayor, you
begin the play.
_May_. Gentlemen, I have summoned you together to consider of
proper representatives for this borough: you know the candidates on
the court side are my lord Place and colonel Promise; the country
candidates are Sir Henry Fox-chace and squire Tankard; all worthy
gentlemen, and I wish with all my heart we could chuse them all four.
1 _Ald_. But since we cannot, Mr Mayor, I think we should stand
by our neighbours; gentlemen whose honesty we are witnesses of, and
whose estates in our own neighbourhood render 'em not liable to be
bribed.
_Fust_. This gentleman, Mr Trapwit, does not seem so unbiassed
in his principles as you represented him.
_Trap_. Pugh, sir! you must have one fool in a play; beside, I
only writ him to set off the rest.
_May_. Mr Alderman, you have a narrow way of thinking; honesty
is not confined to a country; a man that lives a hundred miles off
may be as honest as him who lives but three.
_Ald_. Ay, ay, ay, ay. [_Shaking their heads_.
_May_. Besides, gentlemen, are we not more obliged to a
foreigner for the favours he does us than to one of our own
neighbours who has obligations to us? I believe, gentlemen, there is
not one of us who does not eat and drink with Sir Harry at least
twenty times in a twelvemonth; now, for my part, I never saw or heard
of either my lord or the colonel till within this fortnight; and yet
they are as obliging, and civil and familiar, as if we had been born
and bred together.
1 _Ald_. Nay, they are very civil, well-bred men, that is the
truth on't; but won't they bring a standing army upon us?
_May_. Mr Alderman, you are deceived; the country party will
bring a standing army upon us; whereas, if we chuse my lord and the
colonel, we shan't have a soldier in town. But, mum! here are my lord
and the colonel.
_Enter_ Lord PLACE _and_ Col. PROMISE.
_Place_. Gentlemen, your most humble servant; I have brought the
colonel to take a morning's whet with you.
_May_. Your lordship and the colonel do us great honour; pray,
my lord, be pleased to sit down; pray, colonel, be pleased to
sit. More wine here.
_Fust_. I wish, Mr Trapwit, your actors don't get drunk in the
first act.
_Trap_. Dear sir, don't interrupt the rehearsal.
_Place_. Gentlemen, prosperity to the corporation!
_Fust_. Sir, I am a well-wisher to the corporation, and, if you
please, will pledge his lordship:--success to your comedy, Mr
Trapwit. [_Drinks_.
_Trap_. Give me a glass--sir, here's to your tragedy. Now,
pray, no more interruption; for this scene is one continual joke, and
if you open your lips in it you will break the thread of the jest.
_May_. My lord, we are sensible of your great power to serve
this corporation, and we do not doubt but we shall feel the effect
on't.
_Place_. Gentlemen, you may depend on me; I shall do all in my
power. I shall do you some services which are not proper at present
to mention to you; in the meantime, Mr Mayor, give me leave to
squeeze you by the hand, in assurance of my sincerity.
_Trap_. You, Mr, that act my lord, bribe a little more openly,
if you please, or the audience will lose that joke, and it is one of
the strongest in my whole play.
_Place_. Sir, I cannot possibly do it better at the table.
_Trap_. Then get all up, and come forward to the front of the
stage. Now, you gentlemen that act the mayor and aldermen, range
yourselves in a line; and you, my lord and the colonel, come to one
end and bribe away with right and left.
_Fust_. Is this wit, Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. Yes, sir, it is wit; and such wit as will run all over
the kingdom.
_Fust_. But, methinks, colonel Promise, as you call him, is but
ill-named; for he is a man of very few words.
_Trap_. You'll be of another opinion before the play is over; at
present his hands are too full of business; and you may remember,
sir, I before told you this is none of your plays wherein much is
said and nothing done. Gentlemen, are you all bribed?
_Omnes_. Yes, sir.
_Trap_. Then, my lord and the colonel, you must go off, and
make room for the other candidates to come on and bribe too.
[_Exeunt_ PLACE _and_ PROMISE.
_Fust_. Is there nothing but bribery in this play of yours, Mr
Trapwit?
_Trap_. Sir, this play is an exact representation of nature; I
hope the audience will date the time of action before the bill of
bribery and corruption took place; and then I believe it may go down;
but now, Mr Fustian, I shall shew you the art of a writer, which is,
to diversify his matter, and do the same thing several ways. You must
know, sir, I distinguish bribery into two kinds, the direct and the
indirect: the first you have seen already; and now, sir, I shall give
you a small specimen of the other. Prompter, call Sir Harry and the
squire. But, gentlemen, what are you doing? How often shall I tell
you that the moment the candidates are gone out you are to retire to
the table, and drink and look wise; you, Mr Mayor, ought to look very
wise.
_Fust_. You'll take care he shall talk foolish enough, I'll
warrant you. [_Aside_.
_May_. Come, here's a round to my lord and the colonel's health;
a Place and a Promise, I say; they may talk of the pride of
courtiers, but I am sure I never had a civiller squeeze by the hand
in my life.
_Trap_. Ay, you have squeezed that out pretty well: but shew the
gold at these words, sir, if you please.
_May_. I have none.
_Trap_. Pray, Mr Prompter, take care to get some counters
against it is acted.
_Fust_. Ha, ha, ha! upon my word the courtiers have topt their
part; the actor has outdone the author; this bribing with an empty
hand is quite in the character of a courtier.
_Trap_. Come, enter Sir Harry and the squire. Where are they?
I _Play_. Sir, Mr Soundwell has been regularly summoned, but he
has refused to act the part.
_Trap_. Has he been writ to?
I _Play_. Yes, sir, and here's his answer.
_Trap_. Let both the letters be produced before the
audience. Pray, Mr Prompter, who shall we have to act the part?
I _Play_. Sir, I like the part so well that I have studied it in
the hope of some time playing it.
_Trap_. You are an exceeding pretty young fellow, and I am very
glad of the exchange.
_Sir H_. Halloo, hark forwards: hark, honest Ned, good-morrow to
you; how dost, Master Mayor? What, you are driving it about merrily
this morning? Come, come, sit down; the squire and I will take a pot
with you. Come, Mr Mayor, here's--liberty and property and no excise.
_May_. Sir Harry, your health.
_Sir H_. What, won't you pledge me? Won't you drink no excise?
_May_. I don't love party healths, Sir Harry.
_All Ald_. No, no; no party healths, no party healths.
_Sir H_. Say ye so, gentlemen? I begin to smoke you; your pulses
have been felt, I perceive: and will you be bribed to sell your
country? Where do you think these courtiers get the money they bribe
you with, but from yourselves? Do you think a man who will give a
bribe won't take one? If you would be served faithfully, you must
choose faithfully, and give your vote on no consideration but merit;
for my part, I would as soon suborn an evidence at an assize as a
vote at an election.
_May_. I do believe you, Sir Harry.
_Sir H_. Mr Mayor, I hope you received those three bucks I sent
you, and that they were good.
_May_. Sir Harry, I thank you for them; but 'tis so long since I
eat them that I have forgot the taste.
_Sir H_. We'll try to revive it--I'll order you three more
to-morrow morning.
_May_. You will surfeit us with venison: you will indeed; for it
is a dry meat, Sir Harry, a very dry meat.
_Sir H_. We'll find a way to moisten it, I'll warrant you, if
there be any wine in town. Mr Alderman Stitch, your bill is too
reasonable; you certainly must lose by it: send me in half a dozen
more greatcoats, pray; my servants are the dirtiest dogs! Mr Damask,
I believe you are afraid to trust me, by those few yards of silk you
sent my wife; she likes the pattern so extremely she is resolved to
hang her rooms with it; pray let me have a hundred yards of it; I
shall want more of you. Mr Timber, and you, Mr Iron, I shall get into
your books too.
_Fust_. Would not that getting into books have been more in the
character of the courtier, Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. Go on, go on, sir.
_Sir H_. That gentleman interrupts one so.--Oh, now I
remember--Mr Timber, and you Mr Iron, I shall get into your books
too; though if I do, I assure you I won't continue in them long.
_Trap_. Now, sir, would it have been more in the character of a
courtier? But you are like all our modern criticks, who damn a man
before they have heard a man out; when, if they would but stay till
the joke came--
_Fust_. They would stay to hear your last words, I believe.
[_Aside_.
_Sir H_. For you must know, gentlemen, that I intend to pull
down my old house, and build a new one.
_Trap_. Pray, gentlemen, observe all to start at the word
_house_. Sir Harry, that last speech again, pray.
_Sir H_. For you, &c.----Mr Mayor, I must have all my bricks of
you.
_May_. And do you intend to rebuild your house, Sir Harry?
_Sir H_. Positively.
_May_. Gentlemen, methinks Sir Harry's toast stands still; will
nobody drink liberty and property, and no excise?
[_They all drink and huzza_.
_Sir H_. Give me thy hand, mayor; I hate bribery and corruption:
if this corporation will not suffer itself to be bribed, there shall
not be a poor man in it.
_May_. And he that will, deserves to be poor; for my part, the
world should not bribe me to vote against my conscience.
_Trap_. Do you take that joke, sir?
_Fust_. No, faith, sir.
_Trap_. Why, how can a man vote against his conscience who has
no conscience at all?
_1 Ald_. Come, gentlemen, here's a Fox-chace and a Tankard!
_Omnes_. A Fox-chace and a Tankard! huzza!
_Sir H_. Come, let's have one turn in the marketplace, and then
we'll to dinner.
_May_. Let's fill the air with our repeated cries Of liberty,
and property, and no excise.
[_Exeunt_ Mayor _and_ Aldermen.
_Trap_. How do you like that couplet, sir?
_Fust_. Oh! very fine, sir!
_Trap_. This is the end of the first act, sir.
_Fust_. I cannot but observe, Mr Trapwit, how nicely you have
opposed squire Tankard to colonel Promise; neither of whom have yet
uttered one syllable.
_Trap_. Why, you would not have every man a speaker, would you?
One of a side is sufficient; and let me tell you, sir, one is full
enough to utter all that the party has to say for itself.
_Fust_. Methinks, sir, you should let the audience know they can
speak, if it were but an _ay_ or a _no_.
_Trap_. Sir, the audience must know that already; for if they
could not say _ay_ and _no_, they would not be qualified
for candidates.
_Fust_. Oh! your humble servant, I am answered; but pray, sir,
what is the action of this play?
_Trap_. The action, sir?
_Fust_. Yes, sir, the fable, the design?
_Trap_. Oh! you ask who is to be married? Why, sir, I have a
marriage; I hope you think I understand the laws of comedy better
than to write without marrying somebody.
_Fust_. But is that the main design to which everything
conduces?
_Trap_. Yes, sir.
_Fust_. Faith, sir, I can't for the soul of me see how what has
hitherto past can conduce at all to that end.
_Trap_. You can't? indeed, I believe you can't; for that is the
whole plot of my play: and do you think I am like your shallow
writers of comedy, who publish the bans of marriage between all the
couples in their play in the first act? No, sir, I defy you to guess
my couple till the thing is done, slap all at once; and that too by
an incident arising from the main business of the play, and to which
everything conduces.
_Fust_. That will, indeed, surprise me.
_Trap_. Sir, you are not the first man my writings have
surprised. But what's become of all our players?--Here, who begins
the second act?--Prompter!
_Enter_ 1st Player.
_I Play_. Sir, the prompter and most of the players are drinking
tea in the green-room.
_Trap_. Mr Fustian, shall we drink a dish of tea with them?
Come, sir, as you have a part in my play, you shall drink a dish with
us.
_I Play_. Sir, I dare not go into the green-room; my salary is
not high enough: I shall be forfeited if I go in there.
_Trap_. Pshaw! come along; your sister has merit enough for
herself and you too: if they forfeit you, I'll warrant she'll take it
off again.
ACT II.
SCENE I.--_Enter_ TRAPWIT, FUSTIAN, Prompter, Lord PLACE, Mrs and
Miss Mayoress.
_Trap_. I am afraid, Mr Fustian, you have hitherto suspected
that I was a dabbler in low comedy; now, sir, you shall see some
scenes of politeness and fine conversation among the ladies. Come, my
lord, come, begin.
_Place_. Pray, Mrs Mayoress, what do you think this lace cost a
yard?
_Fust_. A very pretty beginning of polite conversation, truly.
_Trap_. Sir, in this play I keep exactly up to nature, nor is
there anything said in this scene that I have not heard come out of
the mouths of the finest people of the age. Sir, this scene has cost
me ten shillings in chair-hire, to keep the best company, as it is
called.
_Mrs M_. Indeed, my lord, I cannot guess it at less than ten
pounds a yard.
_Place_. Pray, madam, was you at the last ridotto?
_Fust_. Ridotto! the devil! a country mayoress at a ridotto!
Sure, that is out of character, Mr Trapwit!
_Trap_. Sir, a conversation of this nature cannot be earned on
without these helps; besides, sir, this country mayoress, as you call
her, may be allowed to know something of the town; for you must know,
sir, that she has been woman to a woman of quality.
_Fust_. I am glad to hear that.
_Mrs M_. Oh, my lord! mention not those dear ridottos to me, who
have been confined these twelve long months in the country; where we
have no entertainment but a set of hideous strolling players; nor
have I seen any one human creature till your lordship came to
town. Heaven send us a controverted election! then I shall go to
that dear delightful place once more.
_Miss M_. Yes, mama, and then we shall see Faribelly, the
strange man-woman that they say is with child; and the fine pictures
of Merlin's cave at the playhouses; and the rope-dancing and the
tumbling.
_Fust_. By miss's taste I believe she has been bred up under a
woman of quality too.
_Place_. I cannot but with pleasure observe, madam, the polite
taste miss shows in her choice of entertainments; I dare swear she
will be much admired in the beau monde, and I don't question but will
be soon taken into keeping by some man of quality.
_Miss M_. Keeping, my lord?
_Place_. Ay, that surprize looks well enough in one so young,
that does not know the world; but, miss, every one now keeps and is
kept; there are no such things as marriages now-a-days, unless merely
Smithfield contracts, and that for the support of families; but then
the husband and wife both take into keeping within a fortnight.
_Mrs M_. My lord, I would have my girl act like other young
ladies; but she does not know any men of quality, who shall introduce
her to 'em?
_Place_. That, madam, must be your part; you must take a house
and see company; in a little while you may keep an assembly, and play
at cards as high as you can; and almost all the money that is won
must be put into the box, which you must call _paying for the
cards_; though it is indeed paying for your candles, your cloaths,
your lodgings, and, in short, everything you have. I know some
persons who make a very considerable figure in town, whose whole
estate lies in their card-box.
_Mrs M_. And have I been so long contented to be the wife of a
poor country tradesman, when I might have had all this happiness?
_Fust_. How comes this lady, Mr Trapwit, considering her
education, to be so ignorant of all these things?
_Trap_. 'Gad, that's true; I had forgot her education, faith,
when I writ that speech; it's a fault I sometimes fall into--a man
ought to have the memory of a devil to remember every little thing;
but come, go on, go on--I'll alter it by and by.
_Place_. Indeed, madam, it is a miserable state of life; I hope
we shall have no such people as tradesmen shortly; I can't see any
use they are of: if I am chose, I'll bring in a bill to extirpate all
trade out of the nation.
_Mrs M_. Yes, my lord, that would do very well amongst people of
quality who don't want money.
_Fust_. Again! Sure Mrs Mayoress knows very little of people of
quality, considering she has lived amongst them.
_Trap_. Lord, sir, you are so troublesome. Then she has not
lived amongst people of quality, she has lived where I please; but
suppose we should suppose she had been woman to a lady of quality,
may we not also suppose she was turned away in a fortnight, and then
what could she know, sir? Go on, go on.
_Place_. Alack-a-day, madam, when I mention trade, I only mean
low, dull, mechanick trade, such as the canaille practise; there are
several trades reputable enough, which people of fashion may
practise; such as gaming, intriguing, voting, and running in debt.
_Trap_. Come, enter a servant, and whisper my lord.
[_Enter a_ Servant.] Pray, sir, mind your cue of entrance.
[_Exit_ Servant.
_Place_. Ladies, a particular affair obliges me to lose so good
company. I am your most obedient servant.
[_Exit_.
_Mrs M_. He is a prodigious fine gentleman.
_Miss M_. But must I go into keeping, mama?
_Mrs M_. Child, you must do what's in fashion.
_Miss M_. But I have heard that's a naughty thing.
_Mrs M_. That can't be if your betters do it; people are
punished for doing naughty things, but people of quality are never
punished; therefore they never do any naughty things.
_Fust_. An admirable syllogism, and quite in character.
_Trap_. Pshaw, dear sir! don't trouble me with character; it's a
good thing; and if it's a good thing, what signifies who says
it?--Come, enter the mayor drunk.
_Enter_ Mayor.
_May_. Liberty and property, and no excise, wife.
_Mrs M_. Ah! filthy beast, come not near me.
_May_. But I will, though; I am for liberty and property; I'll
vote for no courtiers, wife.
_Mrs M_. Indeed, but you shall, sir.
_Miss M_. I hope you won't vote for a nasty stinking Tory, papa.
_May_. What a pox! are you for the courtiers too?
_Miss M_. Yes, I hope I am a friend to my country; I am not for
bringing in the pope.
_May_. No, nor I an't for a standing army.
_Mrs M_. But I am for a standing army, sir; a standing army is a
good thing: you pretend to be afraid of your liberties and your
properties--you are afraid of your wives and daughters: I love to see
soldiers in the town; and you may say what you will, I know the town
loses nothing by 'em.
_May_. The women don't, I believe.
_Mrs M_. And I'll have you know, the women's wants shall be
considered, as well as yours. I think my lord and the colonel do you
too much honour in offering to represent such a set of clownish,
dirty, beggarly animals--Ah! I wish we women were to choose.
_May_. Ay, we should have a fine set of members then, indeed.
_Mrs M_. Yes, sir, you would have none but pretty
gentlemen--there should not be one man in the House of Commons without
a laced coat.
_Miss M_. O la! what a delicate, fine, charming sight that would
be! Well, I like a laced coat; and if ever I am taken into keeping,
it shall be by a man in a laced coat.
_May_. What's that you say, minx? What's that you say?
_Mrs M_. What's that to you, sir?
_May_. Why, madam, must not I speak to my own daughter?
_Mrs M_. You have the greater obligation to me, sir, if she is:
I am sure, if I had thought you would have endeavoured to ruin your
family, I would have seen you hanged before you should have had any
by me.
_May_. I ruin my family!
_Mrs M_. Yes, I have been making your fortune for you with my
lord; I have got a place for you, but you won't accept on't.
_Miss M_. You shall accept on't.
_Mrs M_. You shall vote for my lord and the colonel.
_Miss M_. They are the finest men--
_Mrs M_. The prettiest men--
_Miss M_. The sweetest men--
_Mrs M_. And you shall vote for them.
_May_. I won't be bribed.
_Mrs M_. A place is no bribe--ask the parson of the parish if a
place is a bribe.
_May_. What is the place?
_Mrs M_. I don't know what the place is, nor my lord does not
know what it is, but it is a great swingeing place.
_May_. I will have the place first. I won't take a bribe, I will
have the place first; liberty and property! I'll have the place
first. [_Exit_.
_Mrs M_. Come, my dear, follow me; I'll see whether he shall
vote according to his conscience or mine.
I'll teach mankind, while policy they boast,
They bear the name of power, we rule the roast.
_Trap_. There ends act the second. [_Exeunt_ Mrs _and_
Miss Mayoress.] Mr Fustian, I inculcate a particular moral at the end
of every act; and therefore, might have put a particular motto before
every one, as the author of Caesar in Egypt has done: thus, sir, my
first act sweetly sings, Bribe all; bribe all; and the second gives
you to Understand that we are all under petticoat-government; and my
third will--but you shall see. Enter my lord Place, colonel Promise,
and several voters. My lord, you begin the third act.
_Enter_ Lord PLACE, Col. PROMISE, and _several_ Voters.
_Place_. Gentlemen, be assured I will take care of you all; you
shall all be provided for as fast as possible; the customs and the
excise afford a great number of places.
1 _Voter_. Could not your lordship provide for me at court?
_Place_. Nothing easier: what sort of a place would you like?
1 _Voter_. Is not there a sort of employment, sir,
called--beef-eating?--If your lordship please to make me a
beef-eater--I would have a place fitted for my capacity.
_Place_. Sir, I will be sure to remember you.
2 _Voter_. My lord, I should like a place at court too; I don't
much care what it is, provided I wear fine cloaths, and have
something to do in the kitchen or the cellar; I own I should like the
cellar, for I am a devilish lover of sack.
_Place_. Sack, say you? Odso, you shall be poet-laureat.
2 _Voter_. Poet! no, my lord, I am no poet, I can't make verses.
_Place_. No matter for that--you'll be able to make odes.
2 _Voter_. Odes, my lord! what are those?
_Place_. Faith, sir, I can't tell well what they are; but I know
you may be qualified for the place without being a poet.
_Trap_. Now, my lord, do you file off, and talk apart with your
people; and let the colonel advance.
_Fust_. Ay, faith, I think it is high time for the colonel to be
heard.
_Col_. Depend upon it, sir; I'll serve you.
_Fust_. Upon my word the colonel begins very well; but has not
that been said already?
_Trap_. Ay, and if I was to bring a hundred courtiers into my
play, they should all say it--none of them do it.
3 _Voter_. An't please your honour, I have read in a book called
Fog's Journal that your honour's men are to be made of wax; now, sir,
I have served my time to a wax-work maker, and desire to make your
honour's regiment.
_CoL_ Sir, you may depend on me.
3 _Voter_. Are your officers to be made of wax too, sir? because
I would prepare a finer sort for them.
_CoL_ No, none but the chaplain.
3 _Voter_. O! I have a most delicate piece of black wax for him.
_Trap_. You see, sir, the colonel can speak when military
affairs are on the carpet. Hitherto, Mr Fustian, the play has gone on
in great tranquillity; now you shall see a scene of a more turbulent
nature. Come, enter the mob of both sides, and cudgel one another
off the stage. Colonel, as your business is not to fight at present,
I beg you would go off before the battle comes on; you and your
brother candidate come into the middle of the stage; you voters range
yourselves under your several leaders. [_The mob attempt to break
in_.] Pray, gentlemen, keep back; mind, the colonel's going off is
the cue for the battle to enter. Now, my lord, and the colonel, you
are at the head of your parties--but hold, hold, hold! you
beef-eater, go you behind my lord, if you please; and you
soldier-maker, come you behind the colonel: now, gentlemen, speak.
_Place_ and _Col_ Gentlemen, we'll serve you.
[_My lord and the colonel flle off at
different doors, the parties following_.
_Enter mob on each side of the stage, crying out promiscuously_.
Down with the Rump! No courtiers! No Jacobites! Down with the pope!
No excise! A Place and a Promise! A Fox-chace and a Tankard! _At
last they fall together by the ears, and cudgel one another off the
stage_.
_Enter_ Sir HARRY, Squire TANKARD, _and_ Mayor.
_Sir H_. Bravely done, my boys, bravely done; faith, our party
has got the day.
_May_. Ay, Sir Harry, at dry blows we always come off well; if
we could but disband the army, I warrant we carried all our
points. But faith, sir, I have fought a hard battle on your account;
the other side have secured my wife; my lord has promised her a
place, but I am not to be gulled in that manner: I may be taken like
a fish in the water, by a bait; but not like the dog in the water, by
a shadow.
_Sir H_. I know you are an honest man, and love your country.
_May_. Faith, that I do, Sir Harry, as well as any man; if my
country will but let me live by it, that's all I desire.
_Fust_. Mr Mayor seems to have got himself sober very suddenly.
_Trap_. Yes, so would you too, I believe, if you had been
scolded at by your wife as long as he has; but if you think that is
not reason enough, he may be drunk still, for any reason I see to the
contrary: pray, sir, act this scene as if you was drunk.
_Fust_. Nay, I must confess, I think it quite out of character
the mayor to be once sober during the whole election.
_Tank_. [_drunk_.] A man that won't get drunk for his
country is a rascal.
_May_. So he is, noble squire; there's no honesty in a man that
won't be drunk--A man that won't drink is an enemy to the trade of
the nation.
_Sir H_. Those were glorious days when honest English
hospitality flourished; when a country gentleman could afford to make
his neighbours drunk, before your damned French fashions were brought
over. Why, Mr Mayor, would you think it? there are many of these
courtiers who have six starved footmen behind a coach, and not half a
hogshead of wine in their house; why, how do you think all the money
is spent?
_May_. Faith, I can't tell.
_Sir H_. Why, in houses, pictures, lace, embroidery, nick-nacks,
Italian singers, and French tumblers; and those who vote for them
will never get a dinner of them after the election is over.
_May_. But there is a thought comes often into my head, which is
this; if these courtiers be turned out, who shall succeed them?
_Sir H_. Who? why, we!
_Tank_. Ay, we!
_Sir H_. And then we may provide for our friends. I love my
country, but I don't know why I may not get something by it as well
as another; at least to reimburse me.--And I do assure you, though I
have not bribed a single vote, my election will stand me in a good
five thousand pounds.
_Tank_. Ay, and so will mine me: but if ever we should get
uppermost, Sir Harry, I insist upon immediately paying off the debts
of the nation.
_Sir H_. Mr Tankard, that shall be done with all convenient
speed.
_Tank_. I'll have no delay in it, sir.
_May_. There spoke the spirit of a true Englishman: ah! I love
to hear the squire speak; he will be a great honour to his country in
foreign parts.
_Sir H_. Our friends stay for us at the tavern; we'll go and
talk more over a bottle.
_Tank_. With all my heart; but I will pay off the debts of the
nation.
_May_. Come to the tavern then:--
There, while brisk wine improves our conversation,
We at our pleasure will reform the nation.
_Trap_. There ends act the third.
[_Exeunt_ Sir HARRY, TANKARD, _and_ Mayor.
_Fust_. Pray, sir, what's the moral of this act?
_Trap_. And you really don't know?
_Fust_. No, really.
_Trap_. Then I really will not tell you; but come, sir, since
you cannot find that out, I'll try whether you can find out the plot;
for now it is just going to begin to open, it will require a very
close attention, I assure you; and the devil take me if I give you
any assistance.
_Fust_. Is not the fourth act a little too late to open the
plot, Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. Sir, 'tis an error on the right side: I have known a
plot open in the first act, and the audience, and the poet too,
forget it before the third was over: now, sir, I am not willing to
burden either the audience's memory or my own; for they may forget
all that is hitherto past, and know full as much of the plot as if
they remembered it.
_Promp_. Call Mr Mayor, Mrs Mayoress, and Miss.
_Enter_ Mayor, Mrs _and_ Miss Mayoress.
_Mrs M_. Oh! have I found you at last, sir? I have been hunting
for you this hour.
_May_. Faith, my dear, I wish you had found me sooner; I have
been drinking to the good old cause with Sir Harry and the squire:
you would have been heartily welcome to all the company.
_Mrs M_. Sir, I shall keep no such company; I shall converse
with no clowns or country squires.
_Miss M_. My mama will converse with no Jacobites.
_May_. But, my dear, I have some news for you; I have got a place
for myself now.
_Mrs M_. O ho! then you will vote for my lord at last?
_May_. No, my dear; Sir Harry is to give me a place.
_Mrs M_. A place in his dog-kennel?
_May_. No, 'tis such a one as you never could have got me from
my lord; I am to be made an embassador.
_Mrs M_. What, is Sir Harry going to change sides then, that he
is to have all this interest?
_May_. No, but the sides are going to be changed; and Sir Harry
is to be--I don't know what to call him, not I--some very great man;
and as soon as he is a very great man I am to be made an embassador
of.
_Mrs M_. Made an ass of! Will you never learn of me that a bird
in the hand is worth two in the bush?
_May_. Yes, but I can't find that you had the bird in hand; if
that had been the case I don't know what I might have done; but I am
sure any man's promise is as good as a courtier's.
_Mrs M_. Look'ye, Mr Embassador that is to be; will you vote as
I would have you or no? I am weary of arguing with a fool any longer;
so, sir, I tell you you must vote for my lord and the colonel, or
I'll make the house too hot to hold you; I'll see whether my poor
family is to be ruined because you have whims.
_Miss M_. I know he is a Jacobite in his heart.
_Mrs M_. What signifies what he is in his heart? have not a
hundred, whom everybody knows to be as great Jacobites as he, acted
like very good whigs? What has a man's heart to do with his lips? I
don't trouble my head with what he thinks; I only desire him to vote.
_Miss M_. I am sure mama is a very reasonable woman.
_Mrs M_. Yes, I am too reasonable a woman, and have used gentle
methods too long; but I'll try others.
[_Goes to a corner of the stage and takes a stick_.
_May_. Nay, then, liberty and property, and no excise!
[_Runs off_.
_Mrs M_. I'll excise you, you villain! [_Runs after him_.
_Miss M_. Hey ho! I wish somebody were here now. Would the man
that I love best in the world were here, that I might use him like a
dog!
_Fust_. Is not that a very odd wish, Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. No, sir; don't all the young ladies in plays use all
their lovers so? Should we not lose half the best scenes in our
comedies else?
_Promp_. Pray, gentlemen, don't disturb the rehearsal so: where
is this servant? [_Enter_ Servant.] Why don't you mind your cue?
_Serv_. Oh, ay, dog's my cue. Madam, here's Miss Stitch, the
taylor's daughter, come to wait on you.
_Miss M_. Shew her in. What can the impertinent flirt want with
me? She knows I hate her too for being of the other party: however,
I'll be as civil to her as I can. [_Enter_ Miss STITCH.] Dear
miss! your servant; this is an unexpected favour.
_Miss S_. I am sure, madam, you have no reason to say so; for,
though we are of different parties, I have always coveted your
acquaintance. I can't see why people may not keep their principles to
themselves.
[_Aside_.
_Miss M_. Pray, miss, sit down. Well, have you any news in town?
_Miss S_. I don't know, my dear, for I have not been out these
three days; and I have been employed all that time in reading one of
the "Craftsmen:" 'tis a very pretty one; I have almost got it by
heart.
_Miss M_. [_Aside_.] Saucy flirt! she might have spared
that to me when she knows that I hate the paper.
_Miss S_. But I ask your pardon, my dear; I know you never read
it.
_Miss M_. No, madam, I have enough to do to read the "Daily
Gazetteer." My father has six of 'em sent him every week for nothing:
they are very pretty papers, and I wish you would read them, miss.
_Miss S_. Fie upon you! how can you read what's writ by an old
woman?
_Miss M_. An old woman, miss?
_Miss S_. Yes, miss, by Mrs Osborne. Nay, it is in vain to deny
it to me.
_Miss M_. I desire, madam, we may discourse no longer on this
subject; for we shall never agree on it.
_Miss S_. Well, then, pray let me ask you seriously--are you
thoroughly satisfied with this peace?
_Miss M_. Yes, madam, and I think you ought to be so too.
_Miss S_. I should like it well enough if I were sure the queen
of Spain was to be trusted.
_Miss M. [Rising.]_ Pray miss, none of your insinuations against
the queen of Spain.
_Miss S_. Don't be in a passion, madam.
_Miss M_. Yes, madam, but I will be in a passion, when the
interest of my country is at stake.
_Miss S. [Rising.]_ Perhaps, madam, I have a heart as warm in
the interest of my country as you can have; though I pay money for
the papers I read, and that's more than you can say.
_Miss M_. Miss, miss, my papers are paid for too by somebody,
though I don't pay for them; I don't suppose the old woman, as you
call her, sends 'em about at her own expence; but I'd have you to
know, miss, I value my money as little as you in my country's cause;
and rather than have no army, I would part with every farthing of
these sixteen shillings to maintain it.
_Miss S_. And if my sweetheart was to vote for the colonel,
though I like this fan of all the fans I ever saw in my life, I would
tear it all to pieces, because it was his Valentine's gift to me. Oh,
heavens! I have torn my fan; I would not have torn my fan for the
world! Oh! my poor dear fan! I wish all parties were at the devil,
for I am sure I shall never get a fan by them.
_Miss M_. Notwithstanding all you have said, madam, I should be
a brute not to pity you under this calamity: comfort yourself, child,
I have a fan the exact fellow to it; if you bring your sweetheart
over to vote for the colonel you shall have it.
_Miss S_. And can I sell my country for a fan? What's my
country to me? I shall never get a fan by it. And will you give it me
for nothing?
_Miss M_. I'll make you a free present of it.
_Miss S_. I am ashamed of your conquest, but I'll take the fan.
_Miss M_. And now, my dear, we'll go and drink a dish of tea
together.
And let all parties blame me if they can, Who're bribed by honours
trifling as a fan.
[_Exeunt_ Misses.
_Trap_. There ends act the fourth. If you want to know the moral
of this, the devil must be in you. Faith, this incident of the fan
struck me so strongly that I was once going to call this comedy by
the name of The Fan. But come, now for act the fifth.
_Promp_. Sir, the player who is to begin it is just stepped
aside on some business; he begs you would stay a few minutes for him.
_Trap_. Come, Fustian, you and I will step into the green-room,
and chat with the actresses meanwhile.
_Fust_. But don't you think these girls improper persons to talk
of parties?
_Trap_. Sir, I assure you it is not out of nature: and I have
often heard these affairs canvast by men who had not one whit more
understanding than these girls.
[_Exeunt_.
ACT III.
SCENE I.--Enter TRAPWIT, FUSTIAN, and SNEERWELL.
_Trap_. Fie upon't, fie upon't! make no excuses.
_Sneer_. Consider, sir, I am my own enemy.
_Trap_. I do consider that you might have past your time,
perhaps, here as well as in another place.
_Sneer_. But I hope I have not transgressed much.
_Trap_. All's over, sir, all's over; you might as well have
stayed away entirely; the fifth act's beginning, and the plot's at an
end.
_Sneer_. What!'s the plot at an end before the fifth act is
begun?
_Trap_. No, no, no, no, I don't mean at an end;
but we are so far advanced in it that it will be impossible for you
to comprehend or understand anything of it.
_Fust_. You have too mean an opinion of Mr Sneerwell's
capacity; I'll engage he shall understand as much of it as I, who
have heard the other four.
_Trap_. Sir, I can't help your want of understanding or
apprehension; 'tis not my fault if you cannot take a hint, sir: would
you have a catastrophe in every act? Oons and the devil! have not I
promised you you should know all by and by? but you are so impatient!
_Fust_. I think you have no reason to complain of my want of
patience. Mr Sneerwell, be easy; 'tis but one short act before my
tragedy begins; and that I hope will make you amends for what you are
to undergo before it. Trapwit, I wish you would begin.
_Trap_. I wish so too. Come, prompter! are the members in their
chairs?
_Promp_. Yes, sir.
_Trap_. Then carry them over the stage: but, hold, hold, hold!
where is the woman to strew the flowers? [_The members are carried
over the stage_.] Halloo, mob, halloo, halloo! Oons, Mr Prompter!
you must get more mob to halloo, or these gentlemen will never be
believed to have had the majority.
_Promp_. Sir, I can get no more mob; all the rest of the mob are
gone to St James's-park to see the show.
_Sneer_. Pray, Mr Trapwit, who are these gentlemen in the
chairs?
_Trap_. Ay, sir, this is your staying away so long; if you had
been here the first four acts you would have known who they were.
_Fust_. Dear Sneerwell, ask him no more questions; if you
enquire into every absurdity you see we shall have no tragedy to-day.
_Trap_. Come, Mr Mayor and Mrs Mayoress.
_Enter_ Mayor _and_ Mrs Mayoress.
_May_. So, now you have undone yourself your own way; you have
made me vote against my conscience and interest too, and now I have
lost both parties.
_Mrs M_. How have you lost both parties?
_May_. Why, my lord will never remember my voting for him, now
he has lost the day; and Sir Harry, who has won it, will never
forgive my voting against him: let which side will be uppermost, I
shall have no place till the next election.
_Mrs M_. It will be your own fault then, sir; for you have it
now in your power to oblige my lord more than ever; go and return my
lord and the colonel as duly elected, and I warrant you I do your
business with him yet.
_May_. Return 'em, my dear? Why, there was a majority of two or
three score against 'em.
_Mrs M_. A fig for a majority of two or three score! if there
had been a majority of as many hundreds, you'll never be called to an
account for returning them; and when you have returned 'em, you'll
have done all in your power. How can you expect that great men should
do anything to serve you if you stick at anything to serve them?
_May_. My conscience boggles at this thing--but yet it is
impossible I should ever get anything by the other side.
_Mrs M_. Ay, let that satisfy your conscience, that it is the
only way to get anything.
_May_. Truly, I think it is.
_Sneer_. I think, Mr Trapwit, interest would be a better word
there than conscience.
_Trap_. Ay, interest or conscience, they are words of the same
meaning; but I think conscience rather politer of the two, and most
used at court.
_Mrs M_. Besides, it will do a service to your town, for half of
them must be carried to London at the candidates' expence; and I dare
swear there is not one of them, whatever side he votes of, but would
be glad to put the candidate to as much expence as he can in an
honest way. [_Exit_ Mayor.
_Enter_ Miss Mayoress, _crying_.
_Miss M_. Oh, mama, I have grieved myself to death at the court
party's losing the day; for if the others should have a majority in
the house, what would become of us? alas, we should not go to London!
_Mrs M_. Dry up your tears, my dear, all will be well; your
father shall return my lord and the colonel, and we shall have a
controverted election, and we will go to London, my dear.
_Miss M_. Shall we go to London? then I am easy; but if we had
staid here I should have broke my heart for the love of my
country.--Since my father returns them, I hope justice will find some
friends above, where people have sense enough to know the right side
from the left; however, happen what will, there is some consolation
in going to London.
_Mrs M_. But I hope you have considered well what my lord told
you, that you will not scruple going into keeping: perhaps, you will
have it in your power to serve your family, and it would be a great
sin not to do all you can for your family.
_Miss M_. I have dreamt of nothing but coaches and six, and
balls, and treats, and shows, and masquerades ever since.
_Fust_. Dreamt, sir? why, I thought the time of your comedy had
been confined to the same day, Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. No, sir, it is not; but suppose it was, might she not
have taken an afternoon's nap?
_Sneer_. Ay, or dreamt waking, as several people do.
_Enter_ Lord PLACE _and_ Col. PROMISE.
_Place_. Madam, I am come to take my leave of you; I am very
sensible of my many obligations to you, and shall remember them till
the next election, when I will wait on you again; nay, I don't
question but we shall carry our point yet, though they have given us
the trouble of a petition.
_Mrs M_. No, no, my lord, you are not yet reduced to that; I
have prevailed on my husband to return you and the colonel.
_Place_. To return us, madam?
_Mrs M_. Yes, my lord, as duly elected; and when we have
returned you so, it will be your own fault if you don't prove
yourself so.
_Place_. Madam, this news has so transported my spirits, that I
fear some ill effect unless you instantly give me a dram.
_Mrs M_. If your lordship please to walk with me into my closet,
I'll equip your lordship. [_Exit_.
_Trap_. How do you like that dram, sir?
_Sneer_. Oh! most excellent!
_Fust_. I can't say so, unless I tasted it.
_Trap_. Faith, sir, if it had not been for that dram my play had
been at an end.
_Fust_. The devil take the dram with all my heart!
_Trap_. Now, Mr Fustian, the plot, which has hitherto been only
carried on by hints, and opened itself like the infant spring by
small and imperceptible degrees to the audience, will display itself
like a ripe matron, in its full summer's bloom; and cannot, I think,
fail with its attractive charms, like a loadstone, to catch the
admiration of every one like a trap, and raise an applause like
thunder, till it makes the whole house like a hurricane. I must
desire a strict silence through this whole scene. Colonel, stand you
still on this side of the stage; and, miss, do you stand on the
opposite.--There, now look at each other. A long silence here.
_Fust_. Pray, Mr Trapwit, is nobody ever to speak again?
_Trap_. Oh! the devil! You have interrupted the scene; after all my
precautions the scene's destroyed; the best scene of silence that
ever was penned by man. Come, come, you may speak now; you may speak
as fast as you please.
_Col_. Madam, the army is very much obliged to you for the zeal
you shew for it; me, it has made your slave for ever; nor can I ever
think of being happy unless you consent to marry me.
_Miss M_. Ha! and can you be so generous to forgive all my ill
usage of you?
_Fust_. What ill usage, Mr Trapwit? For, if I mistake not, this
is the first time these lovers spoke to one another.
_Trap_. What ill usage, sir? a great deal, sir.
_Fust_. When, sir? where, sir?
_Trap_. Why, behind the scenes, sir. What, would you have
everything brought upon the stage? I intend to bring ours to the
dignity of the French stage; and I have Horace's advice on my
side. We have many things both said and done in our comedies which
might be better performed behind the scenes: the French, you know,
banish all cruelty from their stage; and I don't see why we should
bring on a lady in ours practising all manner of cruelty upon her
lover: besides, sir, we do not only produce it, but encourage it; for
I could name you some comedies, if I would, where a woman is brought
in for four acts together, behaving to a worthy man in a manner for
which she almost deserves to be hanged; and in the fifth, forsooth,
she is rewarded with him for a husband: now, sir, as I know this hits
some tastes, and am willing to oblige all, I have given every lady a
latitude of thinking mine has behaved in whatever manner she would
have her.
_Sneer_. Well said, my little Trap! but pray let us have the
scene.
_Trap_. Go on, miss, if you please.
_Miss M_. I have struggled with myself to put you to so many
trials of your constancy; nay, perhaps have indulged myself a little
too far in the innocent liberties of abusing you, tormenting you,
coquetting, lying, and jilting; which as you are so good to forgive,
I do faithfully promise to make you all the amends in my power, by
making you a good wife.
_Trap_. That single promise, sir, is more than any of my brother
authors had ever the grace to put into the mouth of any of their fine
ladies yet; so that the hero of a comedy is left in a much worse
condition than the villain of a tragedy, and I would choose rather to
be hanged with the one than married with the other.
_Sneer_. Faith, Trapwit, without a jest, thou art in the right
on't.
_Fust_. Go on, go on, dear sir, go on.
_Col_. And can you be so generous, so great, so good? Oh! load
not thus my heart with obligations, lest it sink beneath its burden!
Oh! could I live a hundred thousand years, I never could repay the
bounty of that last speech! Oh! my paradise!
Eternal honey drops from off your tongue!
And when you spoke, then Farinelli sung!
_Trap_. Open your arms, miss, if you please; remember you are no
coquet now: how pretty this looks! don't it? [_Mimicking her_]
Let me have one of your best embraces, I desire: do it once more,
pray--There, there, that's pretty well; you must practise this
behind the scenes.
[_Exeunt_ Miss M. _and_ Col.]
_Sneer_. Are they gone to practice, now, Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. You're a joker, Mr Sneerwell; you're a joker.
_Enter_ Lord PLACE, Mayor, _and_ Mrs Mayoress.
_Place_. I return you my hearty thanks, Mr Mayor, for this
return! and in return of the favour, I will certainly do you a very
good turn very shortly.
_Fust_. I wish the audience don't do you an ill turn,
Mr Trapwit, for that last speech.
_Sneer_. Yes, faith, I think I would cut out a turn or two.
_Trap_. Sir, I'll sooner cut off an ear or two: sir, that's the
very best thing in the whole play. Come, enter the colonel and
Miss ------ married.
_Sneer_. Upon my word, they have been very expeditious.
_Trap_. Yes, sir; the parson understands his business, he has
plyed several years at the Fleet.
_Enter_ Col. PROMISE and Miss Mayoress.
_Col. and Miss (kneeling)_. Sir, and madam, your blessing.
_Mrs M_. and May. Ha!
_Col_. Your daughter, sir and madam, has made me the happiest of
mankind.
_Mrs M_. Colonel, you know you might have had my consent; why
did you choose to marry without it? However, I give you both my
blessing.
_May_. And so do I.
_Place_. Then call my brother candidates; we will spend this
night in feast and merriment.
_Fust_. What has made these two parties so suddenly friends,
Mr Trapwit?
_Trap_. What? why the marriage, sir; the usual reconciler at the
end of a comedy. I would not have concluded without every person on
the stage for the world.
_Place_. Well, colonel, I see you are setting out for
life, and so I wish you a good journey.
And you, gallants, from what you've seen to-night,
If you are wrong, may set your judgments right;
Nor, like our misses, about bribing quarrel,
When better herring is in neither barrel.
[_Manent_ FUST, TRAP _and_ SNEER.]
_Trap_. Thus ends my play, sir.
_Fust_. Pray, Mr Trapwit, how has the former part of it
conduced to this marriage?
_Trap_. Why, sir, do you think the colonel would ever have had
her but on the prospect her father has from this election?
_Sneer_. Ay, or to strengthen his interest with the returning
officer?
_Trap_. Ay, sir, I was just going to say so.
_Sneer_. But where's your epilogue?
_Trap_. Faith, sir, I can't tell what I shall do for an
epilogue.
_Sneer_. What I have you writ none?
_Trap_. Yes, faith, I have writ one, but----
_Sneer_. But what?
_Trap_. Faith, sir, I can get no one to speak it; the actresses
are so damn'd difficult to please. When first I writ it they would
not speak it, because there were not double-entendres enough in it;
upon which I went to Mr Watt's and borrowed all his plays; went
home, read over all the epilogues, and crammed it as full as
possible; and now, forsooth, it has too many in it. Oons! I think we
must get a pair of scales and weigh out a sufficient quantity of that
same.
_Fust_. Come, come, Mr Trapwit, clear the stage, if you please.
_Trap_. With all my heart; for I have overstayed my time
already; I am to read my play to-day to six different companies of
quality.
_Fust_. You'll stay and see the tragedy rehearsed, I hope?
_Trap_. Faith, sir, it is my great misfortune that I can't; I
deny myself a great pleasure, but cannot possibly stay--to hear such
damn'd stuff as I know it must be.
[_Aside_.
_Sneer_. Nay, dear Trapwit, you shall not go. Consider, your
advice may be of some service to Mr Fustian; besides, he has stayed
the rehearsal of your play----
_Fust_. Yes, I have--and kept myself awake with much difficulty.
[_Aside_.
_Trap_. Nay, nay, you know I can't refuse you--though I shall
certainly fall asleep in the first act.
[_Aside_.
_Sneer_. If you'll let me know who your people of quality are,
I'll endeavour to bring you off.
_Trap_. No, no, hang me if I tell you, ha, ha, ha! I know you
too well--But prithee, now, tell me, Fustian, how dost thou like my
play? dost think it will do?
_Fust_. 'Tis my opinion it will.
_Trap_. Give me a guinea, and I'll give you a crown a night as
long as it runs.
_Sneer_. That's laying against yourself, Mr Trapwit.
_Trap_. I love a hedge, sir.
_Fust_. Before the rehearsal begins, gentlemen, I must beg your
opinion of my dedication: you know, a dedication is generally a bill
drawn for value therein contained; which value is a set of nauseous
fulsome compliments which my soul abhors and scorns; for I mortally
hate flattery, and therefore have carefully avoided it.
_Sneer_. Yes, faith, a dedication without flattery will be worth
the seeing.
_Fust_. Well, sir, you shall see it. Read it, dear Trapwit; I
hate to read my own works.
_Trap_. [_Reads_.] "My lord, at a time when nonsense,
dullness, lewdness, and all manner of profaneness and immorality are
daily practised on the stage, I have prevailed on my modesty to offer
to your lordship's protection a piece which, if it has no merit to
recommend it, has at least no demerit to disgrace it; nor do I
question at this, when every one else is dull, you will be pleased to
find one exception to the number.
"I cannot indeed help assuming to myself some little merit from the
applause which the town has so universally conferred upon me."
_Fust_. That you know, Mr Sneer well, may be omitted, if it
should meet with any ill-natured opposition; for which reason, I
shall not print off my dedication till after the play is acted.
_Trap_. [_Reads_.] "I might here indulge myself with a
delineation of your lordship's character; but as I abhor the least
imputation of flattery, and as I am certain your lordship is the only
person in this nation that does not love to hear your praises, I
shall be silent--only this give me leave to say, That you have more
wit, sense, learning, honour, and humanity, than all mankind put
together; and your person comprehends in it everything that is
beautiful; your air is everything that is graceful, your look
everything that is majestic, and your mind is a storehouse where
every virtue and every perfection are lodged: to pass by your
generosity, which is so great, so glorious, so diffusive, that like
the sun it eclipses, and makes stars of all your other virtues--I
could say more----"
_Sneer_. Faith, sir, that's more than I could.
_Trap_. "But shall commit a violence upon myself, and conclude
with assuring your lordship, that I am, my lord, your lordship's most
obedient, most devoted, most obsequious, and most obliged humble
servant."
_Fust_. There you see it, sir, concise, and not fulsome.
_Sneer_. Very true, sir, if you had said less it would not have
done.
_Fust_. No, I think less would have been downright rude,
considering it was to a person of the first quality.
_Sneer_. Prithee, Trap wit, let's see yours.
_Trap_. I have none, sir.
_Fust_. How, sir? no dedication?
_Trap_. No, sir, for I have dedicated so many plays, and received
nothing for them, that I am resolved to trust no more; I'll let no
more flattery go out of my shop without being paid beforehand.
_Fust_. Sir, flattery is so cheap, and every man of quality keeps
so many flatterers about him, that egad our trade is quite spoil'd;
but if I am not paid for this dedication, the next I write shall be a
satirical one; if they won't pay me for opening my mouth, I'll make
them pay me for shutting it. But since you have been so kind,
gentlemen, to like my dedication, I'll venture to let you see my
prologue. Sir, I beg the favour of you to repeat the prologue, if you
are perfect in it. [_To a_ Player.]
_Play_. Sir, I'll do it to the best of my power.
_Fust_. This prologue was writ by a friend.
PROLOGUE.
When Death's sharp scythe has mowed the hero down,
The muse again awakes him to renown;
She tells proud Fate that all her darts are vain,
And bids the hero live and strut about again:
Nor is she only able to restore,
But she can make what ne'er was made before;
Can search the realms of Fancy, and create
What never came into the brain of Fate.
Forth from these realms, to entertain to-night,
She brings imaginary kings and queens to light,
Bids Common Sense in person mount the stage,
And Harlequin to storm in tragick rage.
Britons, attend; and decent reverence shew
To her, who made th' Athenian bosoms glow;
Whom the undaunted Romans could revere,
And who in Shakespeare's time was worshipp'd here:
If none of these can her success presage,
Your hearts at least a wonder may engage:
Oh I love her like her sister monsters of the age.
_Sneer_. Faith, sir, your friend has writ a very fine prologue.
_Fust_. Do you think so? Why then, sir, I must assure you, that
friend is no other than myself. But come, now for the
tragedy. Gentlemen, I must desire you all to clear the stage, for I
have several scenes which I could wish it was as big again for.
2d Player _enters and whispers_ TRAPWIT.
2 _Play_. Sir, a gentlewoman desires to speak to you.
_Trap_. Is she in a chair?
_2 Play_. No, sir, she is in a riding-hood, and says she has
brought you a clean shirt. [_Exit_.
_Trap_. I'll come to her.--Mr Fustian, you must excuse me a
moment; a lady of quality hath sent to take some boxes. [_Exit_.
_Promp_. Common Sense, sir, desires to speak with you in the
green-room.
_Fust_. I'll wait upon her.
_Sneer_. You ought, for it is the first message, I believe, you
ever received from her. [_Aside_.
[_Exeunt_ Fus. _and_ SNEER.
_Enter_ a Dancer.
_Dane_. Look'e, Mr Prompter, I expect to dance first goddess; I
will not dance under Miss Minuet; I am sure I shew more to the
audience than any lady upon the stage.
_Promp_. Madam, it is not my business.
_Dane_. I don't know whose business it is; but I think the town
ought to be the judges of a dancer's merit; I am sure they are on my
side; and if I am not used better, I'll go to France; for now we have
got all their dancers away, perhaps they may be glad of some of ours.
_Promp_. Heyday! what's the matter?
[_A noise within_.
_Enter_ Player.
_Play_. The author and Common Sense are quarrelling in the
green-room.
_Promp_. Nay, then, that's better worth seeing than
anything in the play. [_Exit_ Promp.
_Danc_. Hang this play, and all plays; the dancers are the only
people that support the house; if it were not for us they might act
their Shakspeare to empty benches.
ACT IV.
SCENE I.--_Enter_ FUSTIAN _and_ SNEERWELL.
_Fust_. These little things, Mr Sneerwell, will sometimes
happen. Indeed a poet undergoes a great deal before he comes to his
third night; first with the muses, who are humorous ladies, and must
be attended; for if they take it into their head at any time to go
abroad and leave you, you will pump your brain in vain: then, sir,
with the master of a playhouse to get it acted, whom you generally
follow a quarter of a year before you know whether he will receive it
or no; and then, perhaps, he tells you it won't do, and returns it to
you again, reserving the subject, and perhaps the name, which he
brings out in his next pantomime; but if he should receive the play,
then you must attend again to get it writ out into parts and
rehearsed. Well, sir, at last, the rehearsals begin; then, sir, begins
another scene of trouble with the actors, some of whom don't like
their parts, and all are continually plaguing you with alterations: at
length, after having waded through all these difficulties, his play
appears on the stage, where one man hisses out of resentment to the
author, a second out of dislike to the house, a third out of dislike
to the actor, a fourth out of dislike to the play, a fifth for the
joke sake, a sixth to keep all the rest in company. Enemies abuse him,
friends give him up, the play is damned, and the author goes to the
devil: so ends the farce.
_Sneer_. The tragedy, rather, I think, Mr Fustian. But what's
become of Trapwit?
_Fust_. Gone off, I suppose; I knew he would not stay; he is so
taken up with his own performances, that he has no time to attend any
others. But come, Prompter, will the tragedy never begin?
_Enter_ Prompter.
_Promp_. Yes, sir, they are all ready; come, draw up the curtain.
[FIREBRAND, LAW, _and_ PHYSICK _discovered_.
_Sneer_. Pray, Mr Fustian, who are these personages?
_Fust_. That in the middle, sir, is Firebrand, priest of the Sun;
he on the right represents Law, and he on the left Physick.
_Fireb_. Avert these omens, ye auspicious stars!
_Fust_. What omens? where the devil is the thunder and lightning!
_Promp_. Why don't you let go the thunder there, and flash your
rosin? [_Thunder and lightning_.
_Fust_. Now, sir, begin if you please. I desire, sir, you will
get a larger thunderbowl and two pennyworth more of lightning against
the representation. Now, sir, if you please.
_Fireb_. Avert these omens, ye auspicious stars!
O Law! O Physick! As last, even late,
I offer'd sacred incense in the temple,
The temple shook--strange prodigies appeared;
A cat in boots did dance a rigadoon,
While a huge dog play'd on the violin;
And whilst I trembling at the altar stood,
Voices were heard i' th' air, and seem'd to say,
"Awake, my drowsy sons, and sleep no more."
They must mean something!--
_Law_. Certainly they must.
We have our omens too! The other day
A mighty deluge swam into our hall,
As if it meant to wash away the law:
Lawyers were forced to ride on porters' shoulders:
One, O prodigious omen! tumbled down,
And he and all his briefs were sous'd together.
Now, if I durst my sentiments declare,
I think it is not hard to guess the meaning.
_Fireb_. Speak boldly; by the powers I serve, I swear
You speak in safety, even though you speak
Against the gods, provided that you speak
Not against priests.
_Law_. What then can the powers
Mean by these omens, but to rouse us up
From the lethargick sway of Common Sense?
And well they urge, for while that drowsy queen
Maintains her empire, what becomes of us?
_Phys_. My lord of Law, you speak my sentiments;
For though I wear the mask of loyalty,
And outward shew a reverence to the queen,
Yet in my heart I hate her: yes, by heaven,
She stops my proud ambition! keeps me down
When I would soar upon an eagle's wing,
And thence look down, and dose the world below.
_Law_. Thou know'st, my lord of Physick, I had long
Been privileged by custom immemorial,
In tongues unknown, or rather none at all,
My edicts to deliver through the land;
When this proud queen, this Common Sense abridged
My power, and made me understood by all.
_Phys_. My lord, there goes a rumour through the court
That you descended from a family
Related to the queen; Reason is said
T' have been the mighty founder of your house.
_Law_. Perhaps so; but we have raised ourselves so high,
And shook this founder from us off so far,
We hardly deign to own from whence we came.
_Fireb_. My lords of Law and Physick, I have heard
With perfect approbation all you've said:
And since I know you men of noble spirit,
And fit to undertake a glorious cause,
I will divulge myself: know, through this mask,
Which to impose on vulgar minds I wear,
I am an enemy to Common Sense;
But this not for Ambition's earthly cause,
But to enlarge the worship of the Sun;
To give his priests a just degree of power,
And more than half the profits of the land.
Oh! my good lord of Law, would'st thou assist,
In spite of Common Sense it may be done.
_Law_. Propose the method.
_Fireb_. Here, survey this list.
In it you'll find a certain set of names,
Whom well I know sure friends to Common Sense;
These it must be our care to represent
The greatest enemies to the gods and her.
But hush! the queen approaches.
_Enter_ Queen COMMON SENSE, _attended by two_
Maids of Honour.
_Fust_. What! but two maids of honour?
_Promp_. Sir, a Jew carried off the other, but I shall be able to
pick up some more against the play is acted.
_Q. C. S_. My lord of Law, I sent for you this morning;
I have a strange petition given to me.
Two men, it seems, have lately been at law
For an estate, which both of them have lost,
And their attorneys now divide between them.
_Law_. Madam, these things will happen in the law.
_Q. C. S_. Will they, my lord? then better we had none:
But I have also heard a sweet bird sing,
That men unable to discharge their debts
At a short warning, being sued for them,
Have, with both power and will their debts to pay,
Lain all their lives in prison for their costs.
_Law_. That may, perhaps, be some poor person's case,
Too mean to entertain your royal ear.
_Q. C. S_. My lord, while I am queen I shall not think
One man too mean or poor to be redress'd.
Moreover, lord, I am informed your laws
Are grown so large, and daily yet increase,
That the great age of old Methusalem
Would scarce suffice to read your statutes out.
_Fireb_. Madam, a more important cause demands
Your royal care; strange omens have appear'd;
Sights have been seen, and voices have been heard,
The gods are angry, and must be appeas'd;
Nor do I know to that a readier way
Than by beginning to appease their priests,
Who groan for power, and cry out after honour.
_Q. C. S_. The gods, indeed, have reason for their anger,
And sacrifices shall be offer'd to them;
But would you make 'em welcome, priest, be meek,
Be charitable, kind, nor dare affront
The Sun you worship, while yourselves prevent
That happiness to men you ask of him.
_Enter an_ Officer.
_Q. C. S_. What means this hasty message in your looks?
_Offic_. Forgive me, madam, if my tongue declares
News for your sake, which most my heart abhors;
Queen Ignorance is landed in your realm,
With a vast power from Italy and France
Of singers, fidlers, tumblers, and rope-dancers.
_Q. C. S_. Order our army instantly to get
Themselves in readiness; our self will head 'em.
My lords, you are concerned as well as we
T'oppose this foreign force, and we expect
You join us with your utmost levies straight.
Go, priest, and drive all frightful omens hence;
To fright the vulgar they are your pretence,
But sure the gods will side with Common Sense.
[_Exit cum suis_.
_Fireb_. They know their interest better; or at least
Their priests do for 'em, and themselves. Oh! lords,
This queen of Ignorance, whom you have heard
Just now described in such a horrid form,
Is the most gentle and most pious queen;
So fearful of the gods, that she believes
Whate'er their priests affirm. And by the Sun,
Faith is no faith if it falls short of that.
I'd be infallible; and that, I know,
Will ne'er be granted me by Common Sense:
Wherefore I do disclaim her, and will join
The cause of Ignorance. And now, my lords,
Each to his post. The rostrum I ascend;
My lord of Law, you to your courts repair;
And you, my good lord Physick, to the queen;
Handle her pulse, potion and pill her well.
_Phys_. Oh! my good lord, had I her royal ear,
Would she but take the counsel I would give,
You'd need no foreign power to overthrow her:
Yes, by the gods! I would with one small pill
Unhinge her soul, and tear it from her body;
But to my art and me a deadly foe,
She has averr'd, ay, in the publick court,
That Water Gruel is the best physician;
For which, when she's forgiven by the college,
Or when we own the sway of Common Sense,
May we be forced to take our own prescriptions!
_Fireb_. My lord of Physick, I applaud thy spirit.
Yes, by the Sun, my heart laughs loud within me,
To see how easily the world's deceived;
To see this Common Sense thus tumbled down
By men whom all the cheated nations own
To be the strongest pillars of her throne.
[_Exeunt_ FIREB., LAW, _and_ PHYS.
_Fust_. Thus ends the first act, sir.
_Sneer_. This tragedy of yours, Mr Fustian, I observe to be
emblematical; do you think it will be understood by the audience?
_Fust_. Sir, I cannot answer for the audience; though I think the
panegyrick intended by it is very plain and very seasonable.
_Sneer_. What panegyrick?
_Fust_. On our clergy, sir, at least the best of them, to shew
the difference between a heathen and a Christian priest. And, as I
have touched only on generals, I hope I shall not be thought to bring
anything improper on the stage, which I would carefully avoid.
_Sneer_. But is not your satire on law and physick somewhat too
general?
_Fust_. What is said here cannot hurt either an honest lawyer or a
good physician; and such may be, nay, I know such are: if the
opposites to these are the most general I cannot help that; as for the
professors themselves, I have no great reason to be their friend, for
they once joined in a particular conspiracy against me.
_Sneer_. Ah, how so?
_Fust_. Why, an apothecary brought me in a long bill, and a
lawyer made me pay it.
_Sneer_. Ha, ha, ha! a conspiracy, indeed!
_Fust_. Now, sir, for my second act; my tragedy consists but of
three.
_Sneer_. I thought that had been immethodical in tragedy.
_Fust_. That may be; but I spun it out as long as I could keep
Common Sense alive; ay, or even her ghost. Come, begin the second act.
_The scene draws and discovers_ QUEEN COMMON SENSE _asleep_.
_Sneer_. Pray, sir, who's that upon the couch there?
_Fust_. I thought you had known her better, sir: that's Common
Sense asleep.
_Sneer_. I should rather have expected her at the head of her
army.
_Fust_. Very likely, but you do not understand the practical
rules of writing as well as I do; the first and greatest of which is
protraction, or the art of spinning, without which the matter of a
play would lose the chief property of all other matter, namely,
extension; and no play, sir, could possibly last longer than half an
hour. I perceive, Mr Sneerwell, you are one of those who would have no
character brought on but what is necessary to the business of the
play.--Nor I neither--But the business of the play, as I take it, is
to divert, and therefore every character that diverts is necessary to
the business of the play.
_Sneer_. But how will the audience be brought to conceive any
probable reason for this sleep?
_Fust_. Why, sir, she has been meditating on the
present general peace of Europe, till by too intense an
application, being not able thoroughly to comprehend
it, she was overpowered and fell fast asleep. Come,
ring up the first ghost. [_Ghost arises_.] You know
that ghost?
_Sneer_. Upon my word, sir, I can't recollect any
acquaintance with him.
_Fust_. I am surprized at that, for you must have
seen him often: that's the ghost of Tragedy, sir; he
has walked all the stages of London several years;
but why are not you floured?--What the devil is
become of the barber?
_Ghost_. Sir, he's gone to Drury-lane playhouse to
shave the Sultan in the new entertainment.
_Fust_. Come, Mr Ghost, pray begin.
_Ghost_. From the dark regions of the realms below
The ghost of Tragedy has ridden post;
To tell thee, Common Sense, a thousand things,
Which do import thee nearly to attend: [_Cock crows_.
But, ha! the cursed cock has warn'd me hence;
I did set out too late, and therefore must
Leave all my business to some other time.
[_Ghost descends_.
_Sneer_. I presume this is a character necessary to divert; for I
can see no great business he has fulfilled.
_Fust_. Where's the second ghost?
_Sneer_. I thought the cock had crowed.
_Fust_. Yes, but the second ghost need not be supposed to have
heard it. Pray, Mr Prompter, observe, the moment the first ghost
descends the second is to rise: they are like the twin stars in that.
[2 _Ghost rises_.
2 _Ghost_. Awake, great Common Sense, and sleep no more.
Look to thyself; for then, when I was slain,
Thyself was struck at; think not to survive
My murder long; for while thou art on earth,
The convocation will not meet again.
The lawyers cannot rob men of their rights;
Physicians cannot dose away their souls;
A courtier's promise will not be believed;
Nor broken citizens again be trusted.
A thousand newspapers cannot subsist
In which there is not any news at all.
Playhouses cannot flourish, while they dare
To nonsense give an entertainment's name.
Shakspeare, and Jonson, Dryden, Lee, and Rowe,
Thou wilt not bear to yield to Sadler's Wells;
Thou wilt not suffer men of wit to starve,
And fools, for only being fools, to thrive.
Thou wilt not suffer eunuchs to be hired
At a vast price, to be impertinent.
[3 _Ghost rises_.
3 _Ghost_. Dear ghost, the cock has crow'd; you cannot get
Under the ground a mile before 'tis day.
2 _Ghost_. Your humble servant then, I cannot stay.
[_Ghost descends_.
_Fust_. Thunder and lightning! thunder and lightning! Pray don't
forget this when it is acted.
_Sneer_. Pray, Mr Fustian, why must a ghost always rise in a
storm of thunder and lightning? for I have read much of that doctrine
and don't find any mention of such ornaments.
_Fust_. That may be, but they are very necessary: they are indeed
properly the paraphernalia of a ghost.
_Sneer_. But, pray, whose ghost was that?
_Fust_. Whose should it be but Comedy's? I thought, when you had
been told the other was Tragedy, you would have wanted no intimation
who this was. Come, Common Sense, you are to awake and rub your eyes.
_Q. C. S_. [_Waking_.] Who's there?--
_Enter_ Maid of Honour.
Did you not hear or see some wond'rous thing?
_Maid_. No, may it please your majesty, I did not.
_Q. C. S_. I was a-dream'd I overheard a ghost.
_Maid_. In the next room I closely did attend,
And had a ghost been here I must have heard him.
_Enter_ FIREBRAND.
_Q. C. S_. Priest of the Sun, you come most opportune,
For here has been a dreadful apparition:
As I lay sleeping on my couch, methought
I saw a ghost.
_Sneer_. Then I suppose she sleeps with her eyes open.
_Fust_. Why, you would not have Common Sense see a ghost, unless
in her sleep, I hope.
_Fireb_. And if such toleration
Be suffer'd as at present you maintain,
Shortly your court will be a court of ghosts.
Make a huge fire and burn all unbelievers:
Ghosts will be hang'd ere venture near a fire.
_Q. C. S_. Men cannot force belief upon themselves,
And shall I then by torture force it on them?
_Fireb_. The Sun will have it so.
_Q. C. S_. How do I know that?
_Fireb_. Why I, his priest infallible, have told you.
_Q. C. S_. How do I know you are infallible?
_Fireb_. Ha! do you doubt it! nay, if you doubt that,
I will prove nothing. But my zeal inspires me,
And I will tell you, madam, you yourself
Are a most deadly enemy to the Sun;
And all his priests have greatest cause to wish
You had been never born.
_Q. C. S_. Ha! sayest thou, priest?
Then know, I honour and adore the Sun:
And when I see his light, and feel his warmth,
I glow with flaming gratitude towards him;
But know, I never will adore a priest,
Who wears pride's face beneath religion's mask,
And makes a pick-lock of his piety
To steal away the liberty of mankind:
But while I live, I'll never give thee power.
_Fireb_. Madam, our power is not derived from you,
Nor any one: 'twas sent us in a box
From the great Sun himself, and carriage paid:
Phaeton brought it when he overturn'd
The chariot of the Sun into the sea.
_Q. C. S_. Shew me the instrument and let me read it.
_Fireb_. Madam, you cannot read it, for, being thrown
Into the sea, the water has so damaged it
That none but priests could ever read it since.
_Q. C. S_. And do you think I can believe this tale?
_Fireb_. I order you to believe it, and you must.
_Q. C. S_. Proud and imperious man, I can't believe it.
Religion, law, and physick, were design'd
By heaven the greatest blessings on mankind;
But priests, and lawyers, and physicians, made
These general goods to each a private trade;
With each they rob, with each they fill their purses,
And turn our benefits into our curses. [_Exit_.
_Fust_. Law and Physick. Where's Law?
_Enter_ PHYSIC.