(SCENE--_In front of Mrs. R.'s house_)
_Mrs. Ramsbotham_ (_paying Cabman_). You look all right to-day.
_Cabman._ Ah, mum! my looks don't pity me. I suffer from a tarpaulin
liver.
_Mrs. R._ (_correcting_). A torpedo liver, you mean.
[_Cabman accepts the correction, and an extra shilling_]
* * * * *
[Illustration]
* * * * *
[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--_Sir Pompey Bedell_ (_poking the fire in
his new smoking-room_). "This wretched chimney has got into a most
objectionable way of smoking. A--I can't cure it." _Bedell Junior._
"Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!--it'll never smoke
again!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "CRAMMING"]
* * * * *
"CRAMMING."
_Affectionate Uncle._ "Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about
it. What form are you in, old boy?"
_Nephew_ (_just returned from Harrow_). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I
think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or
kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I
always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for
dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner's in the afternoon,
and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?"
[_Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides,
and thinks it best to make no comments._
[Illustration]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Old Gentleman_ (_who has not hurried over his dinner,
and has just got his bill_). "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here
twopence for stationery. You know I've had none----"
_Irish Waiter._ "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here
a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "A STRICT REGARD FOR TRUTH."--_Nephew._ "Hold up, uncle,
people'll think you're screwed!"
_Uncle_ (_the wedding breakfast had been hilarious_). "Shcrew'd! No, no,
Sheorgsh! No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time--don' le'sh be"--(_lurching
heavily_)--"osht'n--tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SEASONABLE LUXURY
_Old Gent_ (_disgusted_). "Here, waiter! Here's a--here's
a--a--caterpillar in this chop!"
_Waiter_ (_flippantly_). "Yessir. About the time o' year for 'em just
now, sir!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE "STATUS QUO ANTE."--_Squire_ (_desiring to improve
the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the
place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural
vintages of France and Germany_). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like
this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another glass----" _Farmer B._ "Thanky, sir;
it's uncommon nice.--(_He had drunk a bottle or two._)--But we don't
seem to get no forruder!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: COMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALIST
_Young Ganderson_ (_proudly conscious of the general attention_) "Oh
yes, it's in _Soho_, you know. I know the place well. They give you a
capital dinner for eighteenpence--wine included."
_Host_ (_proud of his cellar_). "And is the wine drinkable?"
_Young Ganderson._ "Oh yes--very good--better than the wine we're
drinking now!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND
_Tomkins._ "You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison
to follow, eh?"
_Jobkins._ "Why, yes--you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines
early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MISTAKEN IDENTITY.--(_As the De Smiths, to whose
dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he
would walk over._) _Head waiter_ (_under a wrong impression_). "This
won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf!
No napkins laid, no glasses, no----!!!"
[_Brown never got over it all the evening._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN AWFUL CRAMMER
_Proprietor of boarding-house_ (_taking stout guest aside_). "You'll
excuse me, Mr. Sharpset, but your appetite is so large that I shall be
compelled to charge you a shilling extra. It can't be done at two
shillings!"
_Diner._ "No! For heaven's sake don't do that! I can eat two
shillings'-worth easy; but if I have to do three--I really--afraid I
should--but I'll try!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BETTING EVIL.
_Waiter_ (_down tube_). "Wild duck, one!"
_Voice from the kitchen._ "Did he? Just like my luck. Backed another
wrong 'un!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NOT VERY LIKELY
_Waiter_ (_in response to the Colonel's very vigorous reminder_). "Oh
yes, sir, immediately! 'M--let's see--a _glass of milk_, sir, wasn't
it?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: FIGURATIVE
_Head Waiter_ (_the Old Gent had wished for a stronger cheese_). "Hi!
James--let loose the Gorgonzola!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BEWILDERING
_Mr. Wuzzles_ (_up for the cattle-show_). "Cheese, waiter!"
'_Robert._' "Yessir! Rockfor', commonbare, grew'ere, noochattell,
gorgumzo----"
_Mr. Wuzzles_ (_testily_). "No, no! I said _cheese_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "ON THE FACE OF IT"
_Host._ "I don't like this Lafitte half so well as the last, Binns. Have
you noticed any difference?"
_New Butler._ "Well, sir, for myself I don't drink claret; I find port
agrees with me so much better!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AWFUL WARNING!--_Guest_ (_at City Company dinner_). "I'm
uncommonly hungry!"
_Ancient Liveryman_ (_with feeling_). "Take care, my dear sir, for
goodness' sake, take care! D' you know it happened to me at the last
Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tongue with my first spoonful of clear
turtle; 'consequence was--(_sighs_)--'couldn't taste at
all--anything--for the rest of the evening!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: It is quite possible to have too much of a good thing--as
for example, when you get the asparagus shot over your favourite
dress-coat with the silk facings.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Testy Old Uncle_ (_unable to control his passion_).
"Really, sir, this is quite intolerable! You must intend to insult me.
For the last fourteen days, wherever I have dined, I have had nothing
but saddle of mutton and boiled turkey--boiled turkey and saddle of
mutton. I'll endure it no longer."
[_Exit old gent, who alters his will._
Moral.--_How ridiculous a man appears--particularly a man at a grave
period of life--who is over-anxious about his eating and drinking!_]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "ALL THE DIFFERENCE"
_Dyspeptic Diner._ "Um"--(_forking it suspiciously_)--"what is it,
waiter?"
'_Robert._' "It says 'ronyongs sorty' on the menoo, sir. But I can't say
what it may be on the dish!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _His Partner._ "I really never heard a better speech in
my life! Such a wonderful flow of----"
_He._ "Great Scott! That reminds me--I've left the bathroom tap at home
full on!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE NICE LITTLE DINNER
_Tommy_ (_who is standing a feed to Harry_). "Oh, hang it, you know,
fourteen bob for a bottle of champagne! That's coming it rather strong,
ain't it?"
_Waiter_ (_with perfect composure_). "We have some _cheap_ wine, sir, at
half-a-guinea!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: TOO LITERAL BY HALF