"The tocsin of the soul--the dinner-bell."
So said, admiringly, the late Lord Byron,
But he had never heard _your_ noisy knell,
O blatant bellowing thing of brass or iron,
Or surely he had metrically cursed
Your nerve-distracting Corybantic clangour.
Would his fine indignation could have versed
My utter hate, my agonising anger.
Alas! is gusto then so great a sin,
Is feeding man so terrible a sinner
That such a worse than _Duncan_-raising din
Must summon him to--dinner?
* * * * *
[Illustration: DOWN A PEG.--_Mr. Gifted Hopkins (minor poet, essayist,
critic, golfer, fin-de-siècle idol, &c.)._ "Oh, Mrs. Smart--a--I've been
thinking, for the last twenty minutes, of something to say to you!"
_Mrs. Smart (cheerfully)._ "Please go on thinking, Mr. Hopkins,--and
I'll go on talking to Professor Brayne in the meantime."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT.--_Serious and much-married man._ "My
dear friend, I _was_ astonished to hear of _your_ dining at Madame
Troisétoiles!--a 'woman with a past' you know!"
_The Friend_ (_bachelor "unattached"_). "Well, you see, old man, she got
a first-rate _chef_, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that _I_
care about."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CONNOISSEUR.--_Sir Pompey Bedell._ "This bottle of
Romanée-conti seems rather cloudy, Brown! It _ought_ to be all right. I
know it stands me in _twelve guineas a dozen_!"
_The New Butler._ "There certainly _his_ some sediment, Sir Pompey; but
it's of no consequence whatever! I tried a bottle of it _myself_ the
other day, and found it first-rate!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A PIOUS FRAUD!
"Hullo, Monty, what have you got in your button-hole? You don't mean to
say you've joined the blue ribbon army?"
"Yes; for this night only. Going to dine with Jakes. Don't want to hurt
poor old Jakes' feelings--don't want to be poisoned by his beastly wine.
See?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: IN THE DAYS OF THE CRINOLINE--DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES]
* * * * *
[Illustration: REPLETION.--_Robert._ "Pudding or cheese, sir?"
_Abstracted Editor._ "Owing to pressure of other matter, 'regret we are
unable to find room for it!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Brown_ (_who has been dining at the club with Jones_).
"Just come in a minute, old fellow, and have a night-cap."
_Jones._ "I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Let's see how's the
enemy."
_Brown._ "Oh! that's all right. _She's_ in bed."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: INNOCENTS IN THE CITY
_Mrs. Fitznoodle_ (_evidently not well versed in the delicacies of a
Guildhall feast_). "Freddy, dear, can you tell me what _is_ the
difference between 'calipash' and 'calipee'?"
_Colonel Fitznoodle_ (_hesitating, and looking round for an
answer_). "Certainly, my dear. Exactly the difference there is between
'Gog' and 'Magog'!"]
* * * * *