_A Forecast by Mr. Punch's Own Clairvoyant_
According to the _Daily Chronicle_, "an American professor is
looking forward to the time when cooking and dining shall become
lost arts, and we shall take our sustenance in the form of tablets
of concentrated things." Our esteemed contemporary appears to think
that such a system would necessarily do away with all conviviality
and social intercourse; but, unless MR. PUNCH'S clairvoyant is
liable to error (which is absurd), we need not take quite so gloomy
a view of the future. People will still entertain, only the dinner
of the next century will be a more economical and less tedious
function, and, instead of having to go through a trying interview
with her cook, the coming hostess will merely look in at the nearest
food chemist's, when some such conversation as the following will
settle the whole business.
_Hostess._ We've some people coming in to take a few tablets with us
this evening; what do you think I'd better have?
_The Food Chemist._ You will require _soup_, of course, madam. I could
send you one of these patent soup-sprinklers, exceedingly simple to
work, and quite the fashion in the highest circles: the butler sprays
each guest before showing them upstairs. We supply the machine, charged
with the very best soup, at ninepence a night.
_Hostess._ No, I don't want anything _fussy_, it's quite an informal
little gathering. An ounce of those mock-turtle jujubes at fourpence I
had last time will do very well.
_The F. C._ Very good, madam. Then, with regard to fish? I can strongly
recommend these bi-carbonate of cod and oyster sauce lozenges, or I have
some sulphate of salmon and cucumber pastilles, that I think you would
like, ninepence the quarter-of-a-pound.
_Hostess._ I'm afraid I mustn't be extravagant. I'll take a small bottle
of condensed smelt tabloids (the _sixpenny_ size), and what are left
will come in nicely for the children's dinner next day.
_The F. C._ Precisely so, madam. And as to _entrées_--will you have
cockscomb cachous or sweetbread pilules?
_Hostess._ It makes such a _long_ dinner. I don't want a lot of things.
_The F. C._ In _that_ case, madam, I think I have the very article--a
most elegant electro-chemical preparation, combining _entrée_, joint,
and bird, with just a trace of vegetable matter, put up in small
capsules, at one and elevenpence halfpenny the box of one dozen.
_Hostess._ That would be cheaper than having each course in separate
tablets, _wouldn't_ it? I think I'll try a box. What wonderful
improvements they bring out nowadays, to be sure!
_The F. C._ They do indeed, madam. I am told that the Concentrated Food
Stores will shortly be able to place on the market a series of graduated
wafers, each containing a complete dinner, from a City banquet to a
cutlet, at prices to correspond with the number of courses required.
_Hostess._ Delightful! And then the most expensive dinners will be all
over in a minute, instead of dragging on to ten minutes or a quarter of
an hour, as I've known them to do sometimes! I've often thought what a
pity it is that we waste so much precious time as we do in merely
supplying our bodily wants.
_The F. C._ We are improving, madam, slowly improving. And what about
sweets, cheese, and savouries?
_Hostess._ I might have one of those two-inch blocks of condensed
apple-tart, and a box of cheese pills--_no_ savouries. You see, it's
only a _family_ party!
_The F. C._ Exactly so, madam. And shall you be needing anything in the
way of stimulants?
_Hostess._ Let me see--you may send me in a couple of ounces of
acidulated champagne drops--the _Australian_ quality, _not_ the French,
they're twopence an ounce dearer, and so few people notice the
difference nowadays, do they?
_The F. C._ (_to himself_). Not until the next morning! (_Aloud._) And
liqueurs? Any brandy-balls with the coffee creams? We have some very
fine essence-of-dessert jellies----. _Hostess_ Nothing more, thank you.
(_To herself as she departs._) I'm sure I've spent quite enough as it is
on John's stingy old relations, who never ask us to have so much as a
lunch-lozenge or a tea-tabloid with them!
* * * * *
_Lady of uncertain age_ (_discussing dinner party_). No, I cannot say it
was very complimentary; they gave me to an archæologist to take down.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Old Jones._ "Yes, my boy, _there's_ wine for you, eh? I
bought ten pounds worth of it the other day."
_Brown._ "What a _lot_ you must have got!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A BIG ORDER
_Stout Party_ (_to waitress_), "Put me on a pancake, please!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AT A LITERARY AND ARTISTIC BANQUET.--_Waiter_ (_to
colleague_). "Well, they may 'ave the intellec', Fred, but we certainly
'as the good looks!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: Why not a phonographic after-dinner speech machine?
Celebrities could be represented at any number of banquets.
["An experiment in dinner speeches by telephone is to be tried at
Massachusetts Institute."]]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE
_Would-be Considerate Hostess (to son of the house)._ "How inattentive
you are, John! You really must look after Mr. Brown. _He's helping
himself to everything!_"
[_Discomfiture of Brown, who, if somewhat shy, is conscious of a very
healthy appetite._]]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD(N'T) RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--(_In Mrs.
Talbot de Vere Skynflynte's drawing-room, after one of her grand
dinner-parties where nobody gets enough to eat._) _General Guzzleton._
"What's that? Tea? No, thanks. I never take tea unless I've dined!"]
* * * * *