The question as to how America's army will assist the Allies has not yet
been decided, so that President WILSON will still be glad of suggestions
from our halfpenny morning papers.
***
The military absentee who said he had just dined at a London restaurant,
and therefore did not mind going back to the trenches, acted rightly in not
disclosing the name of the restaurant.
***
The report that M. VENEZELOS was in London has been denied by _The Daily
Mail_ and the Press Bureau. It is expected that the news will at once be
telegraphed to M. VENEZELOS.
***
There is a proposal to shorten theatrical performances, and several
managers of revue, unable to determine which joke to retain, have in
desperation resolved to sacrifice both.
***
Owing to travelling and other difficulties the British Association have
decided not to hold their annual meeting this year. Unofficially, the
decision is attributed to the growing prejudice against a continuance of
the more frivolous forms of entertainment.
***
A soldier in Salonika has asked a friend in Surrey to send him some flower
seeds for a garden in his camp. We hear that Mr. LYNCH, M.P., is convinced
that this is merely an inspired attempt to obscure the real object of the
campaign.
***
We learn with satisfaction that it is proposed to form a Ministry of
Health, for many of the Government Departments seem to be suffering from a
variety of complaints.
***
In connection with a recent law case, in which a certain Mr. SHAW was
referred to as "one of the public," we hasten to point out that it did not
refer to Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, who, of course, is not in that category.
***
"Peanuts," says _The Daily Chronicle,_ "do not seem to be receiving the
attention they deserve from our food experts." Several of our younger
readers who profess to be food experts declare that they are ready to
attend to all the peanuts that our contemporary cares to put in their way.
***
In a duel with revolvers last week two Spanish officers wounded one
another. We have all along maintained that duels with revolvers are
becoming positively dangerous.
***
A cheque for twenty-five million dollars has just been handed to M. BRON,
Danish Minister at Washington, in payment for the Danish West Indies. This,
we understand, includes cost of packing and delivery.
***
[Illustration: _Master (after the event)._ "DO YOU KNOW, YOUNG MAN, THAT
THIS PAINS ME MUCH MORE THAN IT DOES YOU?"
_The Terror._ "NO, I DIDN'T KNOW, SIR. BUT IF THAT ASSERTION GENUINELY
EXPRESSES YOUR CONSIDERED OPINION I FEEL VERY MUCH BETTER."]
***
There is a serious shortage of margarine and many people have been
compelled to fall back on butter.
***
A gossip writer states that one of the recent additions to the Metropolitan
Special constabulary weighs seventeen stone. It is not yet decided whether
he will take one beat or two.
***
There is to be no General Election this year for fear that it might clash
with the other War.
***
Another military absentee having told the Thames Police Court magistrate
that he did not know there was a War on, it is expected that the Government
will have to announce the fact.
***
It is no longer the fashion to regard the British as a degenerate race.
Still it is good to know that one of our rat clubs has killed no fewer than
three hundred of these ferocious beasts.
***
A contemporary suggests that we may yet institute a system of pigeon post,
and thus assist the postal services. There will be fine mornings when the
exasperated house-holder will be waiting behind the door with a shot-gun
for the bird which attempts to deliver the Income Tax papers.
***
Two litigants in the Bombay High Court have settled their differences by
agreeing that the sum in dispute shall be paid into the War Fund. This is
considered to be a marked improvement on the old method of dividing it
between the lawyers in the case.
***
"It is my supreme war aim," said Count VON ROON in the Prussian House of
Lords, "to keep the Throne and the Dynasty sky high." Once we have knocked
them sky high the Count can keep them in any old place he likes.
***
At a recent concert at Cripplegate Institute in aid of St. Dunstan's Hostel
for Blinded Soldiers, lightning sketches of cats by Louis WAIN were sold by
auction. The sketching of these night-prowlers by lightning is, we
understand, a most exhilarating pursuit, but the opportunities for it are
comparatively rare, and most artists have to utilise the moon or the
searchlight.
***
It is announced that owing to the shortage of paper the number of
propagandist pamphlets published by the German Government will be
diminished. The decision may also have been influenced by the increasing
shortage of neutrals.
* * * * *
"Father Waring's boat became jammed while being lowered and hung
dangerously, but the ship's surgeon cut the cackles and they descended
safely."--_The Pioneer (Allahabad)_
Another of our strong silent men.
* * * * *