A NAVAL DINNER, WITH ITS CONSEQUENCES--A NAVAL ARGUMENT, WITH ITS
CONSEQUENCES, ALSO--THE WAY DOWN THE RIVER PAVED AT LAST, AND THE
PROCESS AND THE PERSON OF THE UNFORTUNATE PAVIOUR FINALLY ARRESTED.
We made but a short stay at "Little England," as the Barbadians fondly
call their verdant plat, and then ran down through all the Virgin
Islands, leaving parts of our convoy at their various destinations. Our
recaptured vessels, with a midshipman in each, also went to the ports to
which they were bound. When we were abreast of the island of Saint
Domingo, our large convoy was reduced to about forty, all of which were
consigned to the different ports of Jamaica. Our prize corvette was
still in company, as we intended to take her to Port Royal.
We were all in excellent humour: luxuriating in the anticipation of our
prize-money, and somewhat glorious in making our appearance in a manner
so creditable to ourselves, and profitable to the admiral on the
station. All this occupied our minds so much, that we had hardly
opportunity to think of persecution. But some characters can always
find time for mischief, especially when mischief is but another name for
pleasure. The activity which Mr Silva had displayed in making the
recaptures, had gained him much respect with his messmates, and seemed
to _pave the way_ for a mutual good understanding.
However he was invited to dinner with his two constant quizzers, the fat
doctor and the acute purser, just as we had made the east of Jamaica.
I, it having been my forenoon watch, was consequently invited with the
officer of it. We had lately been too much occupied to think of
annoying each other; but those who unfortunately think that they have a
prescriptive right to be disagreeable, and have a single talent that way
(the most common of talents), seldom violate the advice of the
Scripture, that warns us not to hide that one talent in a napkin.
We found our sarcastic little skipper in the blandest and most urbane
humour. He received me with a courtesy that almost made me feel
affection for him. We found Mr Farmer, the first-lieutenant, with him,
and had it not been for a sly twinkling of the eye of the captain, and
very significant looks that now and then stole from Mr Farmer, as he
caught the expression of his commander's countenance I should have
thought that that day there was no "minching malicho," or anything like
mischief meant. There were but five of us sat down to table, yet the
dinner was superb. We had, or rather the captain supplied himself now,
with all the luxuries of a tropical climate, and those of the temperate
were, though he could boast of little temperance, far from exhausted.
We had turtle dressed in different ways, though our flat friend made his
first appearance in the guise of an appetising soup. We had stewed
guanna, a large sort of delicious lizard, that most amply repairs the
offence done to the eye by his unsightly appearance in conciliating in a
wonderful manner all those minute yet important nerves that Providence
has so bountifully and so numerously spread over the palate, the tongue,
and the uvula. The very contemplation of this beneficent arrangement is
enough to make a swearing boatswain pious.
We lacked neither fish, beef, nor mutton; though it is true, that the
carcasses of the sheep, after having been dressed by the butcher and
hung up under the half-deck, gave us the consolation of knowing, that
whilst there was a single one on board, we should never be in want of a
poop-lantern, so delicately thin and transparent were the teguments that
united the ribs. Indeed, when properly stretched, the body would have
supplied the place of a drum, and but little paring away of the flesh
would have fitted the legs and shoulders for drum-sticks. Of fowls we
had every variety, and the curries were excellent. Reud kept two
experienced cooks; one was an Indian, well versed in all the mysteries
of spices and provocatives; the other a Frenchman, who might have taken
a high degree in Baron Rothschild's kitchen, which Hebrew kitchen is, we
understand, the best appointed in all the Christian world. The rivals
sometimes knocked a pot or so over, with its luscious contents, in their
contests for precedency, for cooks and kings have their failings in
common; but, I must confess, that their Creole master always
administered even-handed justice, by very scrupulously flogging them
both.
Well, we will suppose the dinner done, and the West Indian dessert on
the table, and that during the repast the suavity of our host had been
exemplary. He found some means of putting each of us on good terms with
himself. At how little expense we can make each other happy!
The refreshing champagne had circulated two or three times, and the
pine-apples had been scientifically cut by the sovereign hand of the
skipper, who now, in his native regions, seemed to have taken to himself
an increased portion of life. All this time, nothing personal or in the
least offensive had been uttered. The claret that had been cooling all
day, by the means of evaporation, in one of the quarter galleries, was
produced, and the captain ordered a couple of bottles to be placed to
each person with the exception of myself. Having thrown his legs upon
another chair than that on which he was sitting, he commenced, "Now,
gentlemen, let us enjoy ourselves. We have the means before us, and we
should be very silly not to employ them. In a hot country, I don't like
the trouble of passing the bottle."
"It is a great trouble to me when it is a full one," said Dr Thompson.
"Besides, the bustle and the exertion destroys the continuity of
high-toned, and intellectual conversation," said Captain Reud, with
amiable gravity.
"It is coming now," thought I. Lieutenant Silva looked at first
embarrassed, and then a little stern: it was evident, that that which
the captain was pleased to designate as highly-toned intellectual
conversation was, despite his literary attainments and the _pas_ of
superiority, the publishing a book had given him, no longer to the
author's taste.
"I have been thinking," said Captain Reud, placing the forefinger of his
left hand, with an air of great profundity, on the left side of his
nose, "I have been thinking of the very curious fatality that has
attached itself to Mr Silva's excellent work."
"Under correction, Captain Reud," said Silva, "if you would permit this
unfortunate work to sink into the oblivion that perhaps it too much
merits, you would confer upon me, its undeserving author, an essential
favour."
"By no means. I see no reason why I may not be proud of the book, and
proud of the author (Mr Silva starts), providing the book be a good
book; indeed, it is a great thing for me to say, that I have the honour
to command an officer who has printed a book; the mere act evinces great
_nerve_." (Mr Silva winces.)
"And," said the wicked purser, "Captain Reud, you must be every way the
gainer by this. The worse the book, the greater the courage. If Mr
Silva's wit--"
"You may test my wit by my book, Mr ---, if you choose to read it," and
the author looked scornfully, "and my courage, when we reach Port
Royal;" and the officer looked magnificently.
"No more of this," said the captain. "I was going to observe, that
perhaps I am the only officer on the station or even in the fleet, that
has under my command a live author, with the real book that he has
published. Now, Mr Silva, we are all comfortable here--no offence is
meant to you--only compliment and honour; will you permit us to have it
read to us at the present meeting? we will be all attention. We will
not deprive you of your wine--give the book to the younker."
"If you will be so kind, Captain Reud, to promise for yourself and the
other gentlemen, to raise no discussion upon any particular phrase that
may arise."
The captain did promise. We shall presently see how that promise was
kept. The book was sent for, and placed in my hands. Now I fully
opined that at least we should get past the second page. I was
curiously mistaken.
"Here, steward," said the skipper, "place half a bottle of claret near
Mr Rattlin. When your throat is dry, younker, you can whet your
whistle; and when you come to any particular fine paragraph, you may
wash it down with a glass of wine."
"If that's the case, sir, I think, with submission, I ought to have my
two bottles before me also; but, if I follow your directions implicitly,
Captain Reud, I may get drunk in the first chapter."
Mr Silva thanked even a midshipman, with a look of real gratitude, for
this diversion in his favour. I had begun to like the man, and there
might have been a secret sympathy between us, as one day it was to be my
fate also to write myself, author.
Having adjusted ourselves into the most comfortable attitudes that we
could assume, I began, as Lord Ogleby hath it, "with good emphasis, and
good discretion," to read the "Tour up and down the Rio de la Plate."
Before I began, the captain had sent for the master, and the honourable
Mr B---; so I had a very respectable audience.
I had no sooner finished the passage, "After we had paved our way down
the river," than with one accord, and evidently by preconcert, every one
stretching forth his right hand, as do the witches in Macbeth, roared
out, "Stop!" It was too ludicrous. My eyes ran with tears, as I laid
down the book, with outrageous laughter. Mr Silva started to his feet,
and was leaving the cabin, when he was _ordered_ back by Captain Reud.
An appearance of amicability was assumed, and to the old argument they
went, baiting the poor author like a bear tied to a stake. Debating is
a thirsty affair; the two bottles to each, and two more, quickly
disappeared; the wine began to operate, and with the combatants
discretion was no longer the better part of valour.
Whilst words fell fast and furious, I observed something about eight
feet long and one high, on the deck of the cabin, covered with the
ensign. It looked much like a decorated seat. Mr Silva would not
admit the phrase to be improper, and consequently his associates would
not permit the reading to proceed. During most of the time the captain
was convulsed with laughter, and whenever he saw the commotion at all
lulling, he immediately, by some ill-timed remark, renewed it to its
accustomed fury. At length, as the seamen say, they all had got a cloth
in the wind--the captain two or three,--and it was approaching the time
for beating to quarters. The finale, therefore, as previously arranged,
was acted. Captain Reud rose, and steadying himself on his legs, by
placing one hand on the back of his chair, and the other on the shoulder
of the gentleman that sat next to him, spoke thus: "Gentlemen--I'm no
scholar--that is--you comprehend fully--on deck, there!--don't keep that
damned trampling--and put me out--where was I?"
"Please, sir," said I, "you were saying you were no scholar."
"I wasn't--couldn't have said so. I had the best of educations--but all
my masters were dull--damned dull--so they couldn't teach a quick lad,
like me, too quick for them--couldn't overtake me with their damned
learning. I'm a straightforward man. I've common sense--com--common
sense. Let us take a common sense view of this excruciation--ex--ex--I
mean exquisite argument. Gentlemen, come here;" and the captain,
between two supporters and the rest of the company, with Mr Silva,
approached the mysterious looking, elongated affair, that lay, covered
with the union-jack, like the corpse of some lanky giant, who had run
himself up into a consumption by a growth too rapid. The doctor and
purser, who were doubtlessly in the secret, wore each a look of the most
perplexing gravity--the captain one of triumphant mischief; the rest of
us, one of the most unfeigned wonder.
"If," spluttered out Captain Reud, see-sawing over the yet concealed
thing. "If, Mr Paviour, you can pave your way down a river--"
"My name, sir, is Don Alphonso Ribidiero da Silva," said the annoyed
lieutenant, with a dignified bow.
"Well, then, Don Alphonso Ribs-are-dear-o damned Silva, if you can pave
your way down a river, let us see how you can pave it in a small way
down this _hog-trough_ full of water," plucking away, with the
assistance of his confederates, the ensign that covered it.
"With fools' heads," roared out the exasperated, and, I fear, not very
sober, Portuguese.
Though I was close by, I could not fully comprehend the whole manoeuvre.
The captain was head and shoulders immersed in the filthy trough,
which, uncleaned, was taken from the manger, that part of the main-deck
directly under the forecastle, and filled with salt water. The doctor
and purser had taken a greater lurch, and fallen over it, sousing their
white waistcoats and well-arranged shirt frills in the dirty mixture.
The rest of us contrived to keep our legs. The ship was running before
the wind, and rolling considerably, and the motion, aided by the wine
and the act of plucking aside the flag, _might_ have precipitated the
captain into his unenviable situation; he thought otherwise. No sooner
was he placed upon his feet, and his mouth sufficiently clear from the
salt water decoction of hog-wash, than he collared the poor victim of
persecution, and spluttered out, "Mutiny--mu--mu--mutiny--sentry.
Gentlemen, I call you all to witness, that Mr Silva has laid violent
hands upon me."
The "paviour of ways" was immediately put under arrest, and a marine,
with a drawn bayonet, placed at his cabin door, and the captain had to
repair damages, vowing the most implacable vengeance for having been
shoved into his own hog-trough. _Did ever anybody know any good come of
hoaxing_?