VALID REASONS FOR INVALIDING--THE PATIENT CURED IN SPITE OF HIMSELF--AND
A LECTURE ON DISEASE IN GENERAL, WITH A PARTICULAR CASE OF INSTRUMENTS
AS EXPOSITORS.
At length the important day arrived on which the survey did assemble.
The large table in the cabin was duly littered over with paper and
medical books, and supplied with pens and ink. Three post-captains in
gallant array, with swords by their sides, our own captain being one,
and three surgeons with lancets in their pockets, congregated with grave
politeness, and taking their chairs according to precedency of rank,
formed the Hygeian court. A fitting preparation was necessary, so the
captains began to debate upon the various pretensions of the beautiful
Phrynes of Cork--the three medical men, whether the plague was
contagious or infectious, or both--or neither. At the precise moment
when Captain Reud was maintaining the superiority of the attractions of
a blonde Daphne against the assertions of a champion of a dark Phyllis,
and the eldest surgeon had been, by the heat of the argument, carried so
far as to maintain, in asserting the non-infectious and non-contagious
nature of the plague, that you could not give it a man by inoculating
him with its virus, the patient, on whose case they had met to decide,
appeared.
In addition to the green shade, our doctor had enwrapped his throat with
an immense scarlet comforter; so that the reflection of the green above,
and the contrast with the colour below, made the pallor of his face
still more lividly pale. He was well got up. Captain Reud nodded to
the surgeons to go on, and he proceeded with his own argument.
Thus there were two debates at this time proceeding with much heat, and
with just so much acrimony as to make them highly interesting. With the
noble posts it was one to two, that is, our captain, the Daphneite, had
drawn upon him the other two captains, both of whom were Phyllisites.
When a man has to argue against two, and is not quite certain of being
in the right either, he has nothing for it but to be very loud. Now
men, divine as they are, have some things in common with the canine
species. Go into a village and you will observe that when one cur
begins to yelp, every dog's ear catches the sound, bristles up, and
every throat is opened in clamorous emulation. Captain Reud talked fast
as well as loud, so he was nearly upon a par with his opponents, who
only talked loud.
At the other end of the table the odds were two to one, which is not
always the same as one to two; that is, the two older surgeons were
opposed to the youngest. These three were just as loud within one
note--the note under being the tribute they unconciously paid to naval
discipline--as the three captains. Both parties were descanting upon
plagues.
"I say, sir," said the little surgeon, who was the eldest, "it is _not_
infectious. But here comes Dr Thompson."
Now the erudite doctor, from the first, had no great chance. Captain
Reud had determined he should not be invalided. The two other captains
cared nothing at all about the matter, but, of course, would not be so
impolitic as to differ from their superior officer--an officer, too, of
large interest, and the Amphytrion of the day; for when they had
performed those duties for which they were so well fitted, their medical
ones, they were to dine on the scene of their arduous labours. The
eldest surgeon had rather a bias against the doctor, as he could not
legally put M.D. against his own name. The next in seniority was
entirely adverse to the invaliding, as, without he could invalide too,
he would have to go to the West Indies in the place of our surgeon. The
youngest was indifferent just then to anything but to confute the other
two, and prove the plague infectious.
"But here comes Dr Thompson--I'll appeal to him," said non-infection;
but the appeal was unfortunate, both for the appealer and the doctor.
The latter was an infectionist; so there was no longer any odds, but two
against two, and away they went. Our friend in the wide coat forgot he
was sick, and his adversaries that they had to verify it; they sought to
verify nothing but their dogmas. They waxed loud, then cuttingly
polite, then slaughteringly sarcastic and, at last, exceeding wroth.
"I tell you, sir, that I have written a volume on the subject."
"Had you no friend near you," said Dr Thompson, "at that most
unfortunate time?"
"I tell you, sir, I will never argue with anyone on the subject, unless
he have read my Latin treatise `De Natura Pestium et Pestilentiarum.'"
"Then you'll never argue but with yourself," said the stout young
surgeon.
Then arose the voices of the men militant over those of the men
curative.
"The finest eye," vociferated our skipper, "Captain Templar, that ever
beamed from mortal. Its lovely blue, contrasted with her white skin, is
just like--"
"A washerwoman's stone-blue bag among her soapsuds--stony enough."
Here the medical voices preponderated, and expressions such as these
became distinct--"Do you accuse me of ignorance, sir-r-r?"
"No, sir-r-r. I merely assert that you know nothing at all of the
matter."
In the midst of this uproar I was walking the quarter-deck with the
purser.
"What a terrible noise they are making in the cabin," I observed. "What
can they be doing?"
"Invaliding the surgeon," said the marine officer, who had just joined
us, looking wise.
"Doubted," said the purser.
"What a dreadful operation it must be," said a young Irish
young-gentlemen (all young gentlemen in the navy are not _young_), "but,
for the honour of the service, he might take it any how, for the life of
him."
"The very thing he is trying to do," was the purser's reply.
But let us return to the cabin, and collect what we can here, and record
the sentences as they obtain the mastery, at either end of the table.
"Look at her step," said a captain, speaking of his lady.
"Tottering, feeble, zig-zag," said a surgeon, speaking of one stricken
with the plague.
"Her fine open, ivory brow--"
"Is marked all over with disgusting pustules."
"Her breath is--"
"Oh, her delicious breath!"
"Noisome, poisonous, corruption."
"In fact, her whole lovely body is a region of--"
"Pestilent discolorations, and foul sores."
"And," roared out Captain Templar, "if you would but pass a single hour
in her company--"
"You would assuredly repent of your temerity," said the obstinate
contagionist.
This confusion lasted about a quarter of an hour, a time sufficient, in
all conscience, to invalide a West Indian regiment.
"Well, gentlemen," said Captain Reud, rising a little chafed, "have you
come to a conclusion upon this very plain case? I see the doctor looks
better already--his face is no longer pale."
"I tell you what," said the senior surgeon, rising abruptly with the
others, "since you will neither listen to me, to reason, nor to my book,
though I will not answer for the sanity of your mind, I will for that of
your body. My duty, sir, my duty, will not permit me to invalide you."
"Never saw a healthier man in my life," said the second surgeon.
"Never mind, doctor," said the third, "we have fairly beaten them in the
argument."
The gallant captains burst out into obstreperous laughter, and so the
survey was broken up, and the principal surgeons declared that our poor
doctor was in sound health, because they found him unsound in his
opinions.
The three surgeons took their departure, the eldest saying with a grim
smile to Thompson, "It may correct some errors, and prepare you for next
invaliding day. Shall I send you my book, `De Natura Pestium et
Pestilentiarum?'"
The jolly doctor, with a smile equally grim, thanked him, and formally
declined the gift, assuring him "that at the present time, the ship was
well stocked with emetics."
Now, the good doctor was a wag, and the captain, for fun, a very monkey.
The aspirant for invaliding sat himself down again at one end of the
table, as the captains did at the other. Wine, anchovies, sandwiches,
oysters, and other light and stimulating viands were produced to make a
relishing lunch. Captain Reud threw a triumphant and right merry glance
across the table on the silent and discomfited doctor. The servant had
placed before him a cover and glasses unbidden.
"Bring the doctor's plate," said the captain. The doctor was passive--
the plate was brought, filled with luxuries, and placed directly under
his nose. The temptation was terrible. He had been fasting and
macerating himself for eight or nine days. He glared upon it with a
gloomy longing. He then looked up wistfully, and a droll smile mantled
across his vast face, and eddied in the holes of his deep pock-marks.
"A glass of wine, doctor?" The decanter was pushed before him, and his
glass filled by the servant. The doctor shook his head and said, "I
dare not, but will put it to my lips in courtesy."
He did so, and when the glass reached the table it was empty. He then
began gradually to unwind his huge woollen comforter, and when he
thought himself unobserved, he stole the encumbrance into his ample
coat-pocket. He next proceeded to toss about, with a careless
abstraction, the large masses of cold fowl and ham in his plate, and, by
some unimaginable process, without the use of his knife he contrived to
separate them into edible pieces. They disappeared rapidly, and the
plate was almost as soon empty as the wine-glass.
The green shade, by some unaccountable accident, now fell from his eyes,
and, instead of again fixing it on, it found its way to the pocket, to
keep company with the comforter. Near him stood a dish of delicious
oysters, the which he silently coaxed towards his empty plate, and sent
the contents furtively down his much wronged throat.
The other gentlemen watched these operations with mute delight; and,
after a space, Captain Templar challenged him to a bumper, which was
taken and swallowed without much squeamishness. The doctor found that
he had still a difficult task to play; he knew that his artifice was
discovered, and that the best way to repair the error was to boldly
throw off the transparent disguise. The presence of the two stranger
captains was still a restraint upon him. At length he cast his eyes
upon Captain Reud, and putting into his countenance the drollest look of
deprecation mingled with fun, said plaintively, "Are we friends, Captain
Reud?"
"The best in the world, doctor," was the quick reply, and he rose and
extended his open hand. Doctor Thompson rose also and advanced to the
head of the table, and they shook hands most heartily. The two other
captains begged to do the same, and to congratulate him on his rapid
convalescence.
"To prove to you, doctor, the estimation in which I hold you, you shall
dine with us, and we'll have a night of it," said the skipper.
"Oh! Captain Reud, Captain Reud, consider--really I cannot get well so
fast as that would indicate."
"You must, you must. Gentlemen, no man makes better punch. Consider
the punch, doctor."
"Truly, that alters the case. As these dolts of surgeons could not
fully understand the diagnostics of my disease, I suppose I must do my
duty for the _leetle_ while longer that I have to live. I _will_ do my
duty, and attend you punctually at five o'clock, in order to see that
there be no deleterious ingredients mingled in the punch." Saying which
he bowed and left the cabin, without leaning on the shoulder of either
of his assistants.
But he had yet the worst ordeal to undergo--to brave the attack of his
messmates--and he did it nobly. They were all assembled in the
ward-room; for those that saw him descend, if not there before, went
immediately and joined him. He waddled to the head of the table, and
when seated, exclaimed in a stentorian voice, "Steward, a glass of
half-and-half. Gentlemen, I presume you do not understand a medical
case. Steward, bring my case of pistols and the cold meat. I say, you
do not understand a medical case."
"But we do yours," interrupted two or three voices at once.
"No, you don't; you may understand that case better," shoving his
long-barrelled Manton duellers on to the middle of the table. "Now,
gentlemen--I do not mean to bully--I am only, God help me, a weak civil
arm of the service,"--and whining a little--"still very far from well.
Now I'll state my case to you, for your satisfaction, and to prevent any
little mistakes. I was lately afflicted with a sort of nondescript
atrophy, a stagnation of the fluids, a congestion of the small
blood-vessels, and a spasmodic contraction of the finitesimal nerves,
that threatened very serious consequences. At the survey, two of the
surgeons, ignorant quacks that they are, broached a most ridiculous
opinion--a heterodox doctrine--a damnable heresy. On hearing it, my
indignation was so much roused, that a reaction took place in my system,
as instantaneous as the effects of a galvanic battery. My vital
energies rallied, the stagnation of my fluids ceased, the small
blood-vessels that had mutinied returned to their duty; and I am happy
to say, that, though now far from enjoying good health, I am rapidly
approaching it. That is my case. Now for yours. As, gentlemen, we are
to be cooped up in this wooden enclosure for months, perhaps years, it
is a duty that we owe to ourselves to promote the happiness of each
other by good temper, politeness, mutual forbearance, and kindness. In
none of these shall you find me wanting, and to prove it, I will say
this much--singular cases will call forth singular remarks; you must be
aware that if such be dwelt on too long, they will become offensive to
me, and disturb that union which I am so anxious to promote. So let us
have done with the subject at once--make all your remarks now--joke,
quiz, jeer, and flaunt, just for one half hour,"--taking out his watch,
and laying it gently on the table--"by that time I shall have finished
my lunch, which, by-the-by, I began in the cabin; there will be
sufficient time for you to say all your smart things on the occasion;
but if after that I hear any more on the subject, by heavens, that man
who shall dare to twit me with it, shall go with me to the nearest shore
if in harbour--or shoot me, or I him, across the table at sea. Now,
gentlemen, begin if you please."
"The devil a word will I ever utter on the matter," said Farmer, "and
there's my hand upon it."
"Nor I."
"Nor I."
And every messmate shook him heartily by the hand, and by them the
subject was dropped, and for ever. That evening Dr Thompson made the
captain's punch, having carefully locked up in his largest tea-chest his
invaliding suit.
Whatever impression this anecdote may make on the reader, if it be one
injurious to the doctor, we beg to tell him, that he proved a very
blessing to the ship,--the kind friend, as well as the skilful and
tender physician, the promoter of every social enjoyment, the soother of
conflicting passions, the interceder for the offending, and the
peace-maker for all.