EVIDENCES OF GOOD TASTE IN FAVOUR OF MASTER RALPH--JEALOUSY USHERS IN
REVENGE, REVENGE RETALIATION, WHICH HE IS COMPELLED TO CHRONICLE ON THE
USHER'S FACE, AND WHAT PUNISHMENT THEREUPON ENSUED.
When Mrs Causand came to Stickenham, she made universal jubilee. The
orderly routine of scholastic life had no longer place. She almost
ruined Riprapton in clean linen, perfumes, and Windsor soap. Cards and
music enlivened every evening; and the games she played were those of
the fashion of the day, and she always played high, and always won. Her
ascendancy over Mrs Cherfeuil was complete. The latter was treated
with much apparent affection, but still with the airs of a patroness. I
do not know that the handsome schoolmistress lent her money, for I do
not think that she stood in need of it; but I feel assured that her
whole property was at her disposal. She stood in awe of her. _She knew
her secret_.
With his usual acuteness, my good old friend discovered this
immediately; and he began to woo her also, more for her secret than for
her heart. But she was a perfect mystery--I never knew till her death
who she was. Her residence was at no time mentioned, and I believe that
no one knew it but the lady of the house and myself, when Mrs Causand
herself gave it me at the eve of my departing for my ship. She came
without notice, stayed as long as she chose, and departed with an equal
disregard to ceremony.
She loved me to a folly. She would hold me at her knees by the hour,
and scan every feature of my countenance, as Ophelia said of Hamlet, "as
she would draw it." And then she smiled and looked grave, and sighed
and laughed; and I, like a little fool, set all these symptoms of
perturbation down to my own unfledged attractions, whilst during their
perusal she would often exclaim, "So like him!--so like him!" I do not
know whether I ought to mention it, for it is a censorious world; but,
as I cannot enter into, or be supposed to understand, the feelings of a
fine woman of thirty-five caressing a lad of fifteen, I have a right to
suppose all such demonstrations of fondness highly virtuous and purely
maternal; though, perhaps, to the fair bestower a little pleasant! I
found them exquisitely so. I bore all her little blandishments with a
modest pleasure; for, observing the high respect in which she was
generally held, I looked upon these testimonials of affection as a great
honour, sought them with eagerness, and remembered them with gratitude.
Manner is perhaps more seducing than mere beauty; but where they are
allied, the captivation is irresistible. That subduing alliance was to
be found, in perfection, in the person of Mrs Causand. As she always
dressed up to the very climax of the fashion, possessed a great variety
of rich bijouterie, and never came down to us in the stage, but always
posted it, I concluded that she was in very easy circumstances.
I cannot speak as to the extent of her mental powers, as her surface was
so polished and dazzling, that the eye neither could nor wished to look
more deeply into her. I believe that she had no other accomplishment
but that gorgeous cloak for all deficiency--an inimitable manner. Her
remarks were always shrewd, and replete with good sense; her language
was choice; her style of conversation varying, sometimes of that joyous
nature that has all the effect, without the pedantry of wit, upon the
hearer, and, at times, she could be really quite energetic. This is,
after all, but an imperfect description of one who took upon herself the
task of forming my address, revising my gait after the dancing-master,
and making me to look the gentleman.
This person quite destroyed Riprapton's equanimity. During her three or
four first visits he was all hope and animation. She permitted him, as
she did everybody else, as far as words were concerned, to make love as
fast as he pleased. But beyond this, even his intrepid assurance could
not carry him. So his hope and animation gradually gave place to
incertitude and chagrin; and then, by a very natural transition, he fell
into envy and jealousy. Though but fifteen, I was certainly taller than
the man who thought he honoured me by considering me as his rival.
Though affairs remained in this unsatisfactory state so far as he was
concerned, for certain very valid reasons he had not yet chosen to vent
upon me any access of his spleen. But this procrastination of actual
hostilities was terminated in the following manner:--
Mrs Causand and I were standing, one fine evening, lovingly, side by
side, in the summer-house that overhung the river at the bottom of the
garden. Mr Riprapton, washed, brushed, and perfumed--for the
scholastic duties of the day were over--was standing directly in front
of us, enacting most laboriously the agreeable, smiling with a sardonic
grin, and looking actually yellow with spite, in the midst of his
complimentary grimaces. As Mrs Causand and I stood contemplating the
tranquil and beautiful scene, trying to see as little of the person
before us as possible, one of her beautiful arms hung negligently over
my shoulder, and now she would draw me with a fond pressure to her side,
and now her exquisite hand would dally with the ringlets on my forehead,
and then its velvety softness would crumple up and indent my blushing
cheek, that burned certainly more with pleasure than with bashfulness.
I cannot say that the usher bore all this very stoically, but he
betrayed his annoyance by his countenance only. His speech was as bland
as ever. His trials were not yet over: at some very silly remark of
mine the joyous widow pressed some half-dozen rapid kisses on the cheek
that was glowing so near her own. Either this act emboldened Riprapton,
or he egregiously mistook her character, and judged that a mere
voluptuary stood before him, for he immediately went on the vacant side
and endeavoured to possess himself of her hand.
Face, neck, and arms flushed up, in one indignant crimson of the most
unsophisticated anger I ever beheld. She threw herself back with a
perceptible shudder, as if she had come unexpectedly in contact with
something cold, or dead, or unnatural.
"Mr Riprapton," she exclaimed, after a space of real emotion, "I have
never yet boxed the ears of a gentleman; but had you been one, I should
most assuredly have so far forgotten my feminine dignity, as to have
expressed my deep resentment by a blow. I cannot touch anything so
mean. While you confined your persecutions to words, I bore with it.
Sir, I only speak from my own sensations; but judging by these, any
female who could abide your touch without repugnance, must have long
lost all womanly feelings: and now that we are upon this subject, let me
give you a little friendly advice. When you are permitted to sit at the
same table with ladies, and wish by the means of your feet to establish
a secret intercourse with anyone, take care, in future, that you do not
use the wooden leg. Females may be more tender in their toes than in
their hearts. You may go, sir; and remember, if you wish to preserve
your station in this house--know it. When you behave as a gentleman,
that title may be conceded to you: but the moment your conduct is
inconsistent with that character, those around you will not forget that
you are no more than a hired servant, and but one degree above a menial.
Here, Ralph," she continued, giving me the violated hand, "cleanse it
from that fellow's profanation." I brought it to my mouth very
gallantly, and covered it with kisses.
For the first time, I saw my usher-friend not only confounded, but dumb
with consternation, and his whitened face became purple even into the
depths of his deep pock-marks, with an emotion that no courtesy could
characterise as amiable. He moved off with none of his usual grace; but
retired like a very common place wooden-legged man, in a truly miserable
dot-and-go-one style. What Mrs Causand and I said to each other on the
subject, when she went and seated herself in the summer-house to recover
from her excitement, would, I am sure, have formed the groundwork and
arguments of twelve good moral essays; but unfortunately I have
forgotten everything about it, except that we stayed there till not only
the dews had fallen upon the flowers, but the shades of evening upon the
dews.
As my stay at school was to be so short, I was treated more as a
familiar friend by all, than as a pupil. I stayed up with the family,
and took tea and supper with them. Rip made no appearance the evening
after his lecture, but retired to his chamber much indisposed. While
Mrs Causand was on her visit, I always breakfasted with her
_tete-a-tete_ in the little parlour, whose French windows opened upon
the garden; and it was on those occasions that I found her most amusing.
She knew everyone and everything connected with fashionable life.
Private and piquant, and I am sure authentic, anecdotes of every noble
family, she possessed in an exhaustless profusion. Nor was this
knowledge confined to the nobility: she knew more of the sayings and
doings of some of the princes of the blood than any other person living,
out of their domestic circle, and she knew many things with which that
circle were never acquainted. I am sure she could have made splendid
fortunes for twelve fashionable novel-writers.
I had breakfasted with Mrs Causand in the morning after Rip's
discomfiture, and then went to prosecute my studies in the schoolroom.
This was the first time that my tutor and I had met since his rebuff.
Monsieur Cherfeuil had not yet taken his place at his desk. As I passed
the assistant who assisted me so little, I gave him my usual smile of
greeting; but his countenance, instead of the good-humoured return, was
black as evil passions could make it. However, I paid but little
attention to this unfriendly demonstration, and, taking my seat, began,
as I was long privileged to do, to converse with my neighbour.
"Silence!" vociferated the man in authority. I conversed on. "Silence!
I say."
Not supposing that I was included in this authoritative demand, or not
caring if I were, I felt no inclination to suspend the exercise of my
conversational powers. After the third order for silence, this sudden
disciple of Harpocrates left his seat, cane in hand, and coming behind
me, I dreaming of no such temerity on his part, he applied across my
shoulders one of the most hearty _con amore_ swingers that ever left a
wale behind it, exclaiming at the same time, "Silence, Master Rattlin."
Here was a stinging degradation to me, almost an officer on the
quarter-deck of one of his Majesty's frigates! However, without taking
time to weigh exactly my own dignity, I seized a large slate, and,
turning sharply round, sent it hissing into his very teeth. I wish I
had knocked one or two of them out. I wished it then fervently, and of
that wish, wicked though it be, I have never repented. He was for some
time occupied with holding his hand to his mouth, and in a rapid and
agonising examination of the extent of the damage. When he could spare
an instant for me, he was as little satisfied with the expression of my
features as with the alteration in his; so he hopped down to Monsieur
Cherfeuil, while the blood was streaming between his fingers, to lay his
complaint in form against me. I had two sure advocates below, so he
took nothing by his motion, but a lotion to wash his mouth with; and,
after staying below for a couple of hours, he came up with a swelled
face, but his teeth all perfect.
That morning Monsieur Cherfeuil, in very excellent bad English, made a
most impressive speech; the pith of it was, that, had I not taken the
law into my own hands, he would most certainly have discharged Mr
Riprapton, for having exceeded his authority in striking me, but as my
conduct had been very unjustifiable, I was sentenced to transcribe the
whole of the first book of the Aeneid. Before dinner my schoolfellows
had begged off one-half of the task.--Mrs Cherfeuil, at dinner, begged
off one-half of that half: when things had gone thus far, Mrs Causand
interfered, and argued for a commutation of punishment; the more
especially, as she thought an example ought to be made for so heinous an
offence. As she spake with a very serious air, the good-natured
Frenchman acquiesced in her wishes, and pledged himself to allow her to
inflict the penalty, which she promulgated to the following effect:
"That I should be forced to swallow an extra bumper of port for not
having knocked out, at least, one of the wretch's teeth;" and she then
related enough of his conduct to bring Monsieur Cherfeuil into her way
of thinking upon the subject.