MUCH EXCELLENT, AND CONSEQUENTLY USELESS, DIPLOMACY DISPLAYED--A TRUCE,
AND MANY HEADS BROKEN--THE BATTLE RAGES; AND, AT LENGTH, THE PUERILES
ACHIEVE THE VICTORY.
The reader must not suppose that, while masters and scholars were ranged
against each other as antagonists, they were quiet as statues. There
was much said on both sides, reasonings, entreaties, expostulations, and
even jocularity passed, between the adverse, but yet quiescent ranks.
In this wordy warfare the boys had the best of it, and I'm sure the
ushers had no stomach for the fray--if they fought, they must fight, in
some measure, with their hands tied; for their own judgment told them
that they could not be justified in inflicting upon their opponents any
desperate wounds. In fact, considering all the circumstances, though
they asseverated that the boys were terribly in the wrong, they could
not say that Mr Root was conspicuously in the right.
When Mr Root got among his myrmidons, he resolutely cried, "Gentlemen
assistants, advance, and seize Master Atkinson, Master Brewster, Master
Davenant, and especially Master Rattlin;" the said Master Rattlin having
very officiously wriggled himself into the first rank. Such is the
sanctity of established authority, that we actually gave back, with
serried files however, as our opponents advanced. All had now been
lost, even our honour, had it not been for the gallant conduct of young
Henry Saint Albans, a natural son of the Duke of Y---, who was destined
for the army, and, at that time, studying fortification, and to some
purpose--for, immediately behind our front ranks, and while Mr Root was
haranguing and advancing, Saint Albans had arranged the desks quite
across the room, in two tiers, one above the other; the upper tier with
their legs in the air, no bad substitute for chevaux-de-frise. In fact,
this manoeuvre was an anticipation of the barricades of Paris. When the
boys came to the obstacle, they made no difficulty of creeping under or
jumping over it; but for the magisterial Mr Root, fully powdered; or
the classical master, full of Greek; or the mathematical master,
conscious of much Algebra, to creep under these desks, would have been
infra dig, and for them to have leapt over was impossible. The younger
assistants might certainly have performed the feat, but they would have
been but scurvily treated for their trouble, on the wrong side of the
barricade.
When two antagonist bodies cannot fight, it is no bad pastime to parley.
Saint Albans was simultaneously and unanimously voted leader, though we
had many older than he, for he was but eighteen. A glorious youth was
that Saint Albans! Accomplished, generous, brave, handsome, as are all
his race, and of the most bland and sunny manners that ever won woman's
love, or softened man's asperity. He died young--where? Where should
he have died, since this world was deemed by Providence not deserving of
him, but amidst the enemies of his country, her banners waving
victoriously above, and her enemies flying before, his bleeding body?
Henry now stood forward as our leader and spokesman: eloquently did he
descant upon all our grievances, not forgetting mouldy bread, caggy
mutton, and hebdomadal meat pies. He represented to Mr Root the little
honour that he would gain in the contest, and the certain loss--the
damage to his property and to his reputation--the loss of scholars, and
of profit; and he begged him to remember that every play-box in the
school-room was filled with fireworks, and that they were all
determined,--and sorry he was in this case to be obliged to uphold such
a determination,--they were one and all resolved, if permission were not
given, to let off the fireworks out of doors, they would in--the
consequences be on Mr Root's head. His speech was concluded amidst
continued "Bravos!" and shouts of "Now, now!"
Old Reynolds, our classic, quietly stood by, and taking snuff by
handfuls, requested, nay, entreated Mr Root to pass it all off as a
joke, and let the boys, with due restrictions, have their will. Mr
Root, with a queer attempt at looking pleasant, then said, "He began to
enter into the spirit of the thing--it was well got up--there could be
really nothing disrespectful meant, since Mr Henry Saint Albans was a
party to it (be it known that Henry was an especial favourite), and that
he was inclined to humour them, and look upon the school in the light of
a fortress about to capitulate. He therefore would receive a flag of
truce, and listen to proposals."
The boys began to be delighted. The following conditions were drawn up;
and a lad, with a white handkerchief tied to a sky-rocket stick, was
hoisted over the benches into the besieging quarters. The paper, after
reciting (as is usual with all rebels in arms against their lawful
sovereign) their unshaken loyalty, firm obedience, and unqualified
devotion, went on thus--but we shall, to save time, put to each
proposition the answer returned:--
1. The young gentlemen shall be permitted, as in times past, to
discharge their fireworks round what remains of the bonfire, between the
hours of nine and eleven o'clock.
_Ans_. Granted, with this limitation, that all young gentlemen under
the age of nine shall surrender their fireworks to the elder boys, and
stand to see the display without the fence.
2. That any damage or injury caused by the said display to Mr Root's
premises, fences, etcetera, shall be made good by a subscription of the
school.
_Ans_. Granted.
3. It being now nearly eight o'clock, the young gentlemen shall have
their usual suppers.
_Ans_. Granted.
4. That a general amnesty shall be proclaimed, and that no person or
persons shall suffer in any manner whatever for the part that he or they
may have taken in this thoughtless resistance.
_Ans_. Granted, with the exception of Masters Atkinson, Brewster,
Davenant, and Rattlin.
Upon the last article issue was joined, the flag of truce still flying
during the debate. The very pith of the thing was the act of amnesty
and oblivion. Yet so eager were now the majority of the boys for their
amusement, that had it not been for the noble firmness of Saint Albans,
the leaders, with poor Pilgarlick, would have been certainly sacrificed
to their lust of pleasure. But the affair was soon brought to a crisis.
All this acting the military pleased me most mightily, and, the better
to enjoy it, I crouched under one of the desks that formed the barricade
and, with my head and shoulders thrust into the enemy's quarters, sat
grinning forth my satisfaction.
The last clause was still canvassing, when, unheard-of treachery! Mr
Root, seeing his victim so near, seized me by the ears, and attempted to
lug me away captive. My schoolfellows attempted to draw me back. Saint
Albans protested--even some of the masters said "Shame!" when Mr Root,
finding he could not succeed, gave me a most swinging slap of the face,
as a parting benediction, and relinquished his grasp. No sooner did I
fairly find myself on the right side of the barricade, than, all my
terrors overcome by pain, I seized an inkstand and discharged it point
blank at the fleecy curls of the ferulafer with an unlucky fatality of
aim! Mr Root's armorial bearings were now, at least, on his crest,
_blanche_ chequered _noir_.
"On, my lads, on!" exclaimed the gallant Saint Albans; the barricades
were scaled in an instant, and we were at fisticuffs with our foes.
Rulers flew obliquely, perpendicularly, and horizontally--inkstands made
ink-spouts in the air, with their dark gyrations--books, that the
authors had done their best to fasten on their shelves peacefully for
ever, for once became lively, and made an impression. I must do Mr
Root the justice to say, that he bore him gallantly in the _melee_. His
white and black head popped hither and thither, and the smack of his
whip resounded horribly among the shins of his foes.
Old Reynolds, not, even in battle, being able to resist the inveteracy
of habit, had the contents of his large snuff-mull forced into his eyes,
ere twenty strokes were struck. He ran roaring and prophecying, like
blind Tiresias, among both parties, and, as a prophet, we respected him.
The French master being very obese, was soon borne down, and there he
lay sprawling and calling upon glory and _la belle France_, whilst both
sides passed over him by turns, giving him only an occasional kick when
they found him in their way. It is said of Mr Simpson, the
mathematical master,--but I will not vouch for the truth of the account
for it seems too Homeric,--that being hard pressed, he seized and lifted
up the celestial globe, wherewith to beat down his opponents; but being
a very absent man, and the ruling passion being always dreadfully strong
upon him, he began, instead of striking down his adversaries, to solve a
problem upon it, but, before he had found the value of a single tangent,
the orb was beaten to pieces about his skull, and he then saw more stars
in his eyes than ever twinkled in the Milky Way. In less than two
minutes, Mr Root to his crest added _gules_--his nose spouted blood,
his eyes were blackened, and those beautiful teeth, of which he was so
proud, were alarmingly loosened.
For myself I did not do much--I could not--I could not for very rapture.
I danced and shouted in all the madness of exhilaration. I tasted
then, for the first time, the fierce and delirious poison of contention.
Had the battle-cry been "A Rattlin!" instead of "A Saint Albans!" I
could not have been more elated. The joy of battle to the young heart
is like water to the sands of the desert--which cannot be satiated.
In much less than three minutes the position under the gallery was
carried. Root and the masters made good their retreat through the door,
and barricaded it strongly on the outside--so that if we could boast of
having barred him out, he could boast equally of having barred us in.
We made three prisoners, Mr Reynolds, Mr Moineau, and a lanky,
sneaking, turnip-complexioned under-usher, who used to write execrable
verses to the sickly housemaid, and borrow half-crowns of the simple
wench, wherewith to buy pomatum to plaster his thin, lank hair. He was
a known sneak, and a suspected tell-tale. The booby fell a-crying in a
dark corner, and we took him with his handkerchief to his eyes. Out of
the respect that we bore our French and Latin masters, we gave them
their liberty, the door being set ajar for that purpose; but we reserved
the usher, that, like the American Indians, we might make sport with
him.