MY FOSTER-FATHER FORSAKES THE RIGHT LINE OF CONDUCT CHALKED OUT FOR
HIM--I GROW ILL--FIND POT-LUCK AND BAPTISM--GO TO BATH, AND TAKE MY
FIRST LESSONS IN THE ARTS OF PERSUASION.
When I was placed with the Brandons, it was stipulated that they should
remove immediately from Reading; and, whilst I was in their family, they
should return there no more. For this purpose the necessary expenses
were forwarded to them by an unknown hand. To Lambeth they therefore
removed, because it abounded in saw-pits; but this advantage was more
than destroyed by its abundance of skittle-grounds. Mr Joseph Brandon
had satisfied his conscience by coming into the neighbourhood of the
said saw-pits: it showed a direction towards the paths of industry; but
whilst he had, through his wife, for nursing me, 81 pounds, 18 shillings
per annum, he always preferred knocking down, or seeing knocked down,
the nine pins, to the being placed upon a narrow plank, toeing a chalked
line. This was not a line of conduct that he actually chalked out for
himself; only it so happened that, when he was settled at Lambeth, on
the third day he went out to look after work, and going down Stangate
Street, he turned up Cut-throat Lane, and, after passing all the
turnstiles, he arrived at the Two Jolly Sawyers, himself making a third.
In his search for employment, he found it impossible, for the space of
a whole month, to get any further.
But he was not long permitted to be the ascendant spirit among the top
and bottom men. Whether it be that Mrs Brandon overrated her powers of
affording sustenance, or that I had suffered through the inclemency of
the weather in my three journeys on my natal day, or whether that I was
naturally delicate, or perhaps all these causes contributing to it, I
fell into a very sickly state, and, before a third month had elapsed, I
was forced to another migration.
Though no one appeared, both myself and Mrs Brandon were continually
watched, and a very superior sort of surgeon in the neighbourhood of
Lambeth, from the second day of my arrival there, found some pretence or
another to get introduced to my nurse, and took a violent liking to the
little, puny, wailing piece of mortality, myself. I was about this time
so exceedingly small, that though at the risk of being puerile, I cannot
help recording that Joseph Brandon immersed me, all excepting my head,
in a quart pot. No one but a Joe Brandon, or a top sawyer, could have
had so filthy an idea. I have never been told whether the pot contained
any drainings, but I must attribute to this ill-advised act a most
plebeian fondness that I have for strong beer, and which seems to be,
even in these days of French manners and French wines, unconquerable.
My health now became so precarious, that a letter arrived, signed simply
E.R., ordering that I should be immediately baptised, and five pounds
were enclosed for the expenses. The letter stated that two decent
persons should be found by Mrs Brandon to be my sponsors, and that a
female would appear on such a day, at such an hour, at Lambeth Church,
to act as my godmother. That I was to be christened Ralph Rattlin, and,
if I survived, I was to pass for their own child till further orders,
and Ralph Rattlin Brandon were to be my usual appellations. Two decent
persons being required, Joe Brandon, not having done any work for a
couple of months, thought, by virtue of idleness, he might surely call
himself one, to say nothing of his top-boots. The other godfather was a
decayed fishmonger, of the name of Ford, a pensioner in the Fishmonger's
Company, in whose alms-houses, at Newington, he afterwards died. A sad
reprobate was old Ford--he was wicked from nature, drunken from habit,
and full of repentance from methodism. Thus his time was very equally
divided between sin, drink, and contrition. His sleep was all sin, for
he would keep the house awake all night blaspheming in his unhealthy
slumbers. As I was taken to church in a hackney-coach, my very honoured
godfather, Ford, remarked, that "it would be a very pleasant thing to
get me into hell before him, as he was sure that I was born to sin, a
child of wrath, and an inheritor of the kingdom of the devil." This
bitter remark roused the passions even of my gentle nurse, and she
actually scored down both sides of his face with her nails, in such a
manner as to leave deep scars in his ugliness, that nine years after he
carried to his grave. All this happened in the coach on our way to
church. Ford had already prepared himself for the performance of his
sponsorial duties, by getting half drunk upon his favourite beverage,
gin, and it was now necessary to make him wholly intoxicated to induce
him to go through the ceremony. As yet, my nurse had never properly
seen my mother's face; at the interview, on my birth, the agitation of
both parties, and the darkened room, though there was no attempt at
concealment, prevented Mrs Brandon from noticing her sufficiently to
know her again; when, therefore, as our party alighted at the gate of
the churchyard, and a lady, deeply veiled, got out of a carriage at some
distance, Mrs Brandon knew not if she had ever seen her before.
I have been unfortunate in religious ceremonies. Old Ford was a horrid
spectacle, his face streaming with blood, violently drunk, and led by
Brandon, who certainly was, on that occasion, both decent in appearance
and behaviour. The strange lady hurried up to the font before us. When
the clergyman saw the state in which Ford was, he refused to proceed in
the ceremony. The sexton then answered for him, whilst the drunkard was
led out of the church. The office went on, and the lady seemed
studiously to avoid looking upon her intended godson; I was christened
simply, Ralph Rattlin. The lady wrote her name in the book the last,
and it was instantly removed by the clerk. She thrust a guinea into his
hand, and then, for the first time, bent her veiled face over me. I
must have been a miserable-looking object, for no sooner had she seen
me, than she gave a bitter shriek, and laying hold of the woodwork of
the pews, she slowly assisted herself out of the church. Two or three
persons who happened to be present, as well as Mr and Mrs Brandon,
stepped forward to support her, but the clergyman, who seemed to have
had a previous conversation with her, signed them to desist. It was
altogether a most melancholy affair. Old Ford, when we left the church,
was helped into the coach again, Joe Brandon, being either justly
irritated at his conduct, or angry that he could not see my unknown
godmother's face, when we were all fairly on our way home, gave the old
sot such a tremendous beating, that Mrs Brandon nearly went into fits
with alarm, and Ford himself was confined to his bed for a week after.
When I reflect upon the manner in which I was christened, though I
cannot exactly call it a "maimed rite," I have a great mind to have it
done over again, only I am deterred by the expense.
All now was bustle in removing from Felix Street, Lambeth, to Bath,
where it was ordered that I should be dipped every morning in some
spring, that at that time had much celebrity. Old Ford was left behind.
At Bath I remained three years, Joe Brandon doing no work, and
persuading himself now, that he actually was a gentleman. In my third
year, my foster-sister, little robust, ruddy Mary, died, and the weakly,
stunted, and drooping sapling lived on. This death endeared me more and
more to my nurse, and Joe himself was, by self-interest, taught an
affection for me. He knew that if I went to the grave, he must go to
work; and he now used himself to perform the office of dry-nurse to me,
taking me to the spring, and allowing no one to dip me but himself.
When I grew older, he had many stories to tell me about my pantings, and
my implorings, and my offers of unnumbered kisses, and of all my
playthings, if he would not put me in that cold water--only this one,
one morning. And about a certain Dr Buck, who had taken a wonderful
liking to me, after the manner of the Lambeth surgeon, and had
prescribed for me, and sent me physic, and port wine, all out of pure
philanthropy; and how much I hated this same Dr Buck, and his horrible
"Give him t'other dip, Brandon." But all these are as things that had
long died from my own recollection.