I'd be early, not savvying this kind of travelling a great deal.
Darned if you ain't growed since I saw you--getting fat, too!
Well, how's everything? I didn't say nothing to the other boys
about pulling my freight, as I wanted to go sober for once. You
explain to 'em that old Red's head ain't swelled, will you? Seems
kind of dirty to go off that way, but I'm bound for God's country
and the old-time folks, and somehow I feel that I must cut the
budge out of it. 'Nother thing is I'm superstitious, as you may or
may not have noticed, and I believe if you try the same game twicet
you'll get just as different results as can be the second time--you
heard how I hit it in the mines, didn't you? No? Well, that's so;
you dint seen many people out on the flat, have you? Hum. I don't
know principally where to begin. You remember Wind-River Smith's
pardner that the boys called Shadder, because he was so thin? Nice
feller, always willing to do you a favour, or say something comical
when you least expected it--had kind of a style with him, too.
Yes, sir, that's the man. Well him and me was out in the Bend one
day, holding a mess of Oregon half-breeds that was to be shipped by
train shortly, when old Smithy comes with the mail. 'Letter for
you, Shadder,' says Smith, and passes over a big envelope with wads
of sealing wax all over it. Shadder reads his letter, and folds it
up. Then he takes a look over the county--the kind of a look a man
gives when he's thinking hard. Then says he, 'Red, take off your
hat.' I done it. 'Smithy, take off your hat.' 'All right,' says
Smith; 'but you tell me why, or I'll snake the shirt off you to
square things.'
"'Boys,' says Shadder, 'I'm Lord Walford.'
"'Lord Hellford;' hollers Smithy. 'You'd better call somebody in
to look at your plumbing--what you been drinkin', Shadder?'
"'Read for yourself,' says Shadder, and he handed him the letter.
"Wish't you could have seen old Smithy's face as he read it! He
thought his pardner had been cut out of his herd for ever.
"'It's the God's truth, Red,' says he slowly, and he had a sideways
smile on his face as he turned to Shadder. 'Well, sir,' says he,
'I suppose congratulations are in order?'
"Shadder's hand stopped short on its way to the cigarette, and he
looked at Smithy as if he couldn't believe what he saw.
"'To hell with 'em!' says he, as savage as a wildcat, and he jabbed
the irons in and whirled his cayuse about on one toe, heading for
the ranch.
"'Now you go after him, you jealous old sore-head,' says I. 'Go
on!' I says, as he started to argue the point, 'or I'll spread your
nose all the way down your spinal column!' The only time to say
'no' to me is when I'm not meaning what I say, so away goes
Wind-River, and they made it up all right in no time. Well,
Shadder had to pull for England to take a squint at the ancestral
estates, and all of us was right here at this station to see him
off--Lord! it seems as if that happened last world!--well, it took
a little bit the edge off any and all drunks a ranch as an
institution had ever seen before. There was old Smithy crying
around, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, and explaining to a lot of
Eastern folks that it wasn't Shadder's fault--gad-hook it all! He
was the best, hootin', tootin' son-of-a-sea-cook that ever hit a
prairie breeze, in spite of this dum foolishness.
"'They can't make no "lord" of Shadder!' hollers Smithy. 'That is,
not for long--he's a _man_, Shadder is--ain't cher, yer damned old
gangle-legged hide-rack?'
"And Shadder never lost his patience at all, though it must have
been kind of trying to be made into such a holy show before the
kind of people he used to be used to. All he'd say was 'Bet your
life, old boy!' Well, it was right enough too, as Smithy had
nursed him through small-pox one winter up in the Shoshonee
country, and mighty near starved himself to death feeding Shadder
out of the slim grub stock, when the boy was on the mend; still
some people would have forgot that.
"But did your uncle Red get under the influence of strong drink?
DID he? Oh _my_! Oh MY! I wish I could make it clear to you.
The vigilantes put after a horse thief once in Montana, and they
landed on him in a butt-end canon, and there was all the stock with
the brands on 'em as big as a patent medicine sign, as the lad
hadn't had time to stop for alterations.
"'Well,' says they, 'what have you got to say for yourself?' He
looked at them brands staring him in the face, and he bit off a
small hunk of chewing 'Ptt-chay!' Says he, 'Gentlemen, I'm at a
loss for words!' And they let him go, as a good joke is worth its
price in any man's country. I'm in that lad's fix; I ain't got the
words to tell you how seriously drunk I was on that occasion. I
remember putting for what I thought was the hotel, and settling
down, thinking there must be a lulu of a scrap in the barroom from
the noise; then somebody gave me a punch in the ribs and says,
'Where's your ticket?' and I don't know what I said nor what he
said after that, but it must have been all right. Then it got
light and I met a lot of good friends I never saw before nor since;
then more noise and trouble and at last I woke up.--in a hotel
bedroom, all right, but not the one I was used to. I went to the
window, heaved her open and looked out. It was a bully morning and
I felt A1. There was a nice range of mountains out in front of me
that must have come up during' the night. 'I'd like to know where
I am,' I thinks. 'But somebody will tell me before long, so there
is no use worrying about that--the main point is, have I been
touched?' I dug down into my jeans and there wasn't a thing of any
kind to remember me by. 'No,' I says to myself, 'I ain't been
touched--I've been grabbed--they might have left me the price of a
breakfast! Well, it's a nice looking country, anyhow!' So down I
walks to the office. A cheerful-seeming plump kind of a man was
sitting behind the desk. 'Hello!' says he, glancing up and smiling
as I came in. 'How do you open up this morning?'
"'Somebody saved me the trouble,' says I. 'I'm afraid I'll have to
give you the strong arm for breakfast.'
"He grinned wide. 'Oh, it ain't as bad as that, I hardly reckon,'
says he. He dove into a safe and brought out a cigar-box.
"'When a gentleman's in the condition you was in last night,' he
says, 'I always make it a point to go through his clothes and take
out anything a stranger might find useful, trusting that there
won't be no offence the next morning. Here's your watch and the
rest of your valuables, including the cash--count your money and
see if it's right.'
"Well, sir! I was one happy man, and I thanked that feller as I
thumbed over the bills, but when I got up to a hundred and seventy
I begun to feel queer. Looked like I'd made good money on the trip.
"'What's the matter?' says he, seeing my face. 'Nothing wrong, I
hope!'
"'Why, the watch and the gun, and the other things is all right,'
says I. 'But I'm now fifty dollars to the good, even figuring that
I didn't spend a cent, which ain't in the least likely, and here's
ten-dollar bills enough to make a bed-spread left over.'
"'Pshaw!' says he. 'Blame it! I've mixed your plunder up with the
mining gentleman that came in at the same time. You and him was
bound to fight at first, and then you both turned to to lick me,
and what with keeping you apart and holding you off, and taking
your valuables away from you all at the same time, and me all alone
here as it was the night-man's day-off, I've made a blunder of it.
Just take your change out of the wad, and call for a drink on me
when you feel like it, will you?'
"I said I would do that, and moreover that he was an officer and a
gentleman, and that I'd stay at his hotel two weeks at least to
show my appreciation, no matter where it was, but to satisfy a
natural curiosity, I'd like to know what part of the country I was
at present inhabiting.
"'You're at Boise, Idaho,' says he, 'one of the best little towns
in the best little Territory in the United States of America,
including Alaska.'
"'Well . . .' says I. 'Well . . .' for again I was at a loss for
words. I had no idea I'd gone so far from home. 'I believe what
you say,' says I. 'What do you do around these parts?'
"'Mining,' says he. 'You're just in time--big strike in the
Bob-cat district. Poor man's mining. Placer, and durned good
placer, right on the top of the ground. The mining gentleman I
spoke about is having his breakfast now. Suppose you go in and
have a talk with him? Nice man, drunk or sober, although excitable
when he's had a little too much, or not quite enough. He might put
you onto a good thing. I'm not a mining person myself.'
"'Thanks,' says I, and in I went to the dining room.
There was a great, big, fine-looking man eating his ham and eggs
the way I like to see a man eat the next morning. He had a black
beard that was so strong it fairly jumped out from his face.
"'Mornin',' says I.
"'Good morning', sir!' says he. 'A day of commingled lucent
clarity and vernal softness, ain't it?'
"'Well, I wouldn't care to bet on that without going a little
deeper into the subject,' says I; 'but it smells good at least--so
does that ham and eggs. Mary, I'll take the same, with coffee
extra strong.'
"'You have doubtless been attracted to our small but growing city
from the reports--which are happily true--of the inexhaustible
mineral wealth of the surrounding region?' says he.
"'No-o--not exactly,' says I; 'but I do want to hear something
about mines. Mr. Hotel-man out there (who's a gentleman of the old
school if ever there lived one) told me that you might put me on to
a good thing.'
"'Precisely,' says he. 'Now, sir, my name is Jones--Agamemnon G.
Jones--and my pardner, Mr. H. Smith, is on a business trip, selling
shares of our mine, which we have called "The Treasury" from
reasons which we can make obvious to any investor. The shares, Mr.
------'
"'Saunders--Red Saunders--Chantay Seeche Red.'
"'Mr. Saunders, are fifty cents apiece, which price is really only
put upon them to avoid the offensive attitude of dealing them out
as charity. As a matter of fact, this mine of ours contains a
store of gold which would upset the commercial world, were the bare
facts of its extent known. There is neither sense nor amusement in
confining such enormous treasure in the hands of two people.
Consequently, my pardner and I are presenting an interest to the
public, putting the nominal figure of fifty cents a share upon it,
to save the feelings of our beneficiaries.'
"'What the devil do I care?' says I. 'I'm looking for a chance to
dig--could you tell a man where to go?'
"'Oh!' says he, 'when you come to that, that's different. Strictly
speaking, my pardner Hy hasn't gone off on a business trip. As a
matter of fact, he left town night before last with two-thirds of
the money we'd pulled out of a pocket up on Silver Creek, in the
company of two half-breed Injuns, a Chinaman, and four more
sons-of-guns not classified, all in such a state of beastly
intoxication that their purpose, route, and destination are matters
of the wildest conjecture. I've been laying around town here
hating myself to death, thinking perhaps I could sell some shares
in a mine that we'll find yet, if we have good luck. If you want
to go wild-catting over the hills and far away, I'm your
huckleberry.'
"'That hits me all right,' says I. 'For, what I don't know about
mining, nobody don't know. When do we start?'
"'This, or any other minute,' says he, getting up from the table.
"'Wait till I finish up these eggs,' says I. 'And there's a matter
of one drink coming to me outside--I may as well put that where it
won't harm any one else before we start.'
"'All right!' says he, waving his hand. 'You'll find me
outside--at your pleasure, sir.'
"I swallered the rest of my breakfast whole and hustled out to the
bar, where my friend and the Hotel-man was waiting. 'Now I'll take
that drink that's coming, and rather than be small about it, I'll
buy one for you too, and then we're off,' says I.
"'You won't do no such thing,' says the Hotel-man. 'It's a horse
on me, and I'll supply the liquor. Mr. Jones is in the play as
much as anybody.'
"So the Hotel-man set 'em up, and that made one drink. Then Jones
said he'd never let a drink suffer from lonesomeness yet when he
had the price, and that made two drinks. I had to uphold the
honour of the ranch, and that made three drinks. Hotel-man said it
was up-sticks now, and he meant to pay his just debts like an
honest man, and that made four drinks, then Jones said--well, by
this time I see I needn't have hurried breakfast so much. More
people came in. I woke up the next morning in the same old
bedroom. Every breakfast Aggy and me got ready to pull for the
mines, and every morning I woke up in the bedroom. I should like
to draw a veil over the next two weeks, but it would have to be a
pretty strong veil to hold it. I tried to keep level with Aggy,
but he'd spend three dollars to my one, and the consequence of that
was that we went broke within fifteen minutes of each other.
"Well, sir, we were a mournful pair to draw to that day. We sat
there and cussed and said, 'Now, why didn't we do this, that, and
t'other thing instead of blowing our hard earned dough?'--till
bimeby we just dripped melancholy, you might say. Howsomever, we
weren't booked for a dull time just yet. That afternoon there was
a great popping of whips like an Injun skirmish and into town comes
a bull train half-a-mile long. Twelve yoke of bulls to the team;
lead, swing, and trail waggons for each, as big as houses on
wheels. You don't see the like of that in this country. Down the
street they come, the dust flying, whips cracking and the lads
hollering 'Whoa haw, Mary--up there! Wherp! whoa haw.'
"And those fellers had picked up dry throats, walking in the dust.
Also, they had a month's wages aching in their pockets. We hadn't
much mor'n got the thump of their arrival out of our ears, when who
comes roaring into town but the Bengal Tiger gang, and they had
four months' wages. Owner of the mine got on a bender and paid
everybody off by mistake. You can hardly imagine how this livened
up things. There ain't nobody less likely to play lame-duck than
me, but there was no dodging the hospitality. The only idea
prevailing was to be rid of the money as soon as possible. The
effects showed right off. You could hear one man telling the folks
for their own good that he was the Old Missouri River, and when he
felt like swelling his banks, it was time for parties who couldn't
swim to hunt the high ground; whilst the gentleman on the next
corner let us know that he was a locomotive carrying three hundred
pounds of steam with the gauge still climbing and the blower on.
When he whistled three times, he said, any intelligent man would
know that there was danger around.
"Well, sir, I put the Old Missouri River to bed that night, and
he'd flattened out to a very small streamlet indeed, while the
locomotive went lame before supper, and had to be put in the
round-house by a couple of pushers. That's the way with fine
ideas. Cold facts comes and puts a crimp in them. Once I knew a
small feller I could have stuck in my pocket and forgot about, but
when we went out and took several prescriptions together on a day,
he spoke to me like this. 'Red,' says he, 'put your little hand in
mine, and we'll go and take a bird's-eye view of the Universe.'
Astonishin' idea, wasn't it? And him not weighing over a hundred
pound. Howsomever, he didn't take any bird's-eye view of the
Universe--he only become strikingly indisposed.
"Well, to get back to Boise, you never in all your life saw so many
men and brothers as was gathered there that day, and old Aggy, he
was one of the centres of attraction. That big voice and black
beard was always where the crowd was thickest, and the wet goods
flowing the freest. 'Gentlemen!' says he, 'Let's lift up our
voices in melody!' That was one of Ag's delusions--he thought he
could sing. So four of 'em got on top of a billiard table and
presented 'Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep' to the company, which
made me feel glad that I hadn't been brought up that way. After Ag
had hip-locked the last low note, another song-bird volunteered.
"This was a little fat Dutchman, with pale blue eyes and a mustache
like two streaks of darning cotton. He had come to town to sell a
pair of beef-steers, but got drawn into the general hilarity, and
now he didn't care a cuss whether he, she, or it ever sold another
steer. He got himself on end and sung 'Leeb Fadderlont moxtrue
eckstein' in a style that made you wonder that the human nose could
stand the strain.
"'Aw, cheese that!' says a feller near the door. 'Come get your
steers, one of 'em's just chased the barber up a telegraph pole!'
"So then we all piled out into the street to see the steers. Sure
enough, there was the barber, sitting on the cross-piece, and the
steer pawing dirt underneath.
"'He done made me come a fast heat from de cohner,' says the
barber. 'I kep' hollerin' "next!" but he ain't pay no 'tention--he
make it "next" fur me, shuah! Yah, yah, yah! You gents orter seen
me start at de bottom, an' slide all de way up disyer telegraft
pole!'
"One of the bull-whackers went out to rope the steers, and Ag gave
directions from the sidewalk. He wasn't very handy with a riata,
and that's a fact, but the way Ag lit into him was scandalous.
When he'd missed about six casts of his rope, Ag opened up on him:
"'Put a stamp on it and send it to him by mail,' says Aggy, in his
sourcastic way. 'Address it, "Bay Steer, middle of Main St.,
Boise, Idaho. If not delivered within ten days, return to owner,
who can use it to hang himself." Blast my hide if I couldn't stand
here and throw a box-car nearer to the critter! Well, _well_,
WELL! How many left hands have you got, anyhow? Do it up in a wad
and heave it at him for general results--he might get tangled in
it.'
"It rattled the bull-whacker, having so much attention drawn to
him, and he stepped on the rope and twisted himself up in it and
was flying light generally.
"'Say!' says Ag, appealing to the crowd, 'won't some kind friend
who's fond of puzzles go down and help that gentleman do himself?'
"That made the whacker mad. He was as red in the face as a lobster.
"'You come down and show what _you_ can do," says he. 'You've got
gas enough for a balloon ascension, but that may be all there is to
you.'
"'Oh, I ain't so much,' says Aggy, 'although I'm as good a man
to-day as ever I was in my life--but I have a little friend here
who can rope, down, and ride that critter from here to the
brick-front in five minutes by the watch; and if you've got a
twenty-five dollar bill in your pocket, or its equivalent in dust,
you can observe the experiment.'
"'I'll go you, by gosh!' says the bull-whacker, slapping his hat on
the ground and digging for his pile.
"'Say, if you're referring to me, Ag,' I says, 'it's kind of a
sudden spring--I ain't what you might call in training, and that
steer is full of triple-extract of giant powder.'
"'G'wan!' says Ag. 'You can do it--and then we're twenty-five
ahead.'
"'But suppose we lose?'
"'Well . . . It won't be such an awful loss.'
"'Now you look here, Agamemnon G. Jones,' says I, 'I ain't going to
stand for putting up a summer breeze ag'in' that feller's good
dough--that's a skin game, to speak it pleasantly.'
"Then Aggy argues the case with me, and when Aggy started to argue,
you might just as well 'moo' and chase yourself into the corral,
because he'd get you, sure. Why, that man could sit in the cabin
and make roses bloom right in the middle of the floor; whilst he
was singing his little song you could see 'em and smell 'em; he
could talk a snowbank off a high divide in the middle of February.
Never see anybody with such a medicine tongue, and in a big man it
was all the stranger. 'Now,' he winds up, 'as for cheating that
feller, _you_ ought to know me better, Red--why, I'll give him my
note!'
"So, anyhow, I done it. Up the street we went, steer bawling and
buck-jumping, my hair a-flying, and me as busy as the little bee
you read about keeping that steer underneath me, 'stead of on top
of me, where he'd ruther be, and after us the whole town, whoopin',
yellin', crackin' off six-shooters, and carryin' on wild.
"Then we had twenty-five dollars and was as good as anybody. But
it didn't last long. The tin-horns come out after pay-day, like
hop-toads after a rain. 'Twould puzzle the Government at
Washington to know where they hang out in the meantime. There was
one lad had a face on him with about as much expression as a hotel
punkin pie. He run an arrow game, and he talked right straight
along in a voice that had no more bends in it than a billiard cue.
"'Here's where you get your three for one any child may do it no
chance to lose make your bets while the arrow of fortune swings all
gents accommodated in amounts from two-bits to double-eagles and
bets paid on the nail,' says he.
"'Red,' says Aggy, 'I can double our pile right here--let me have
the money. I know this game.' You'd hardly believe it, but I dug
up. 'Double-or-quits?' says he to the dealer.
"'Let her go,' says the dealer; the arrow swung around. 'Quits,'
says the dealer, and raked in my dough. It was all over in one
second.
"I grabbed Aggy by the shoulder and took him in the corner for a
private talk. 'I thought you knew this game?' says I.
"'I do,' says he. 'That's the way it always happens.' And once
more in my life I experienced the peculiar feeling of being
altogether at a loss for words.
"'Aggy,' says I at last, 'I've got a good notion to lay two violent
hands on you, and wind you up like an eight-day clock, but rather
than make hard feelings between friends, I'll refrain. Besides you
are a funny cuss, that's sure. One thing, boy, you can mark down.
We leave here to-morrow morning.'
"'All right,' says Ag. 'This sporting life is the very devil. I
like out doors as well as the next man, when I get there.'
"So the morrow morning, away we went. All we had for kit was the
picks, shovels, and pans; the rest of our belongings was staying
with the Hotel-man until we made a rise.
"Ag said he'd be cussed if he'd walk. A hundred and fifty miles of
a stroll was too many.
"'But we ain't got a cent to pay the stage fare,' says I.
"'Borrow it of Uncle Hotel-keep,' says he.
"'Not by a town site,' says I. 'We owe him all we're going to, at
this very minute--you'll have to hoof it, that's all.'
"'I tell you I won't. I don't like to have anybody walk on my
feet, not even myself. I can stand off that stage driver so easy,
that you'll wonder I don't take it up as a profession. Now, don't
raise any more objections--please don't,' says he. 'I can't tell
you how nervous you make me, always finding some fault with
everything I try to do. That's no way for a hired man to act, let
alone a pardner.'
"So, of course, he got the best of me as usual, and we climbed into
the stage when she come along. Now, our bad luck seemed to hold,
because you wouldn't find many men in that country who wouldn't
stake two fellers to a waggon ride wherever they wanted to go, and
be pleasant about it, I'd have sure seen that the man got paid,
even if Aggy forgot it, but the man that drove us was the surliest
brute that ever growled. When you'd speak to him, he'd say,
'Unh'--a style of thing that didn't go well in that part of the
country. I kept my mouth shut, as knowing that I didn't have the
come-up-with weighed on my spirits; but Aggy gave him the jolly.
He only meant it in fun, and there was plenty of reason for it,
too, for you never seen such a game of driving as that feller put
up in all your life. The Lord save us! He cut around one corner
of a mountain, so that for the longest second I've lived through,
my left foot hung over about a thousand feet of fresh air. I'd
have had time to write my will before I touched bottom if we'd gone
over. I don't know as I turned pale, but my hair ain't been of the
same rosy complexion since.
"'Well!' says Aggy in a surprised tone of voice when we got all
four wheels on the ground again. 'Here we are!' says he. 'Who'd
have suspected it? I thought he was going to take the short cut
down to the creek.'
"The driver turned round with one corner of his lip h'isted--a dead
ringer of a mean man--Says he to Aggy, 'Yer a funny bloke, ain't
yer?'
"'Why!' says Ag, 'that's for you to say--wouldn't look well coming
from me--but if you press me, I'll admit I give birth to a little
gem now and then.'
"Our bold buck puts on a great swagger. 'Well yer needn't be funny
in this waggon,' says he. 'The pair of yer spongin' a ride! Yer
needn't be gay--yer hear me, don't cher?'
"'Why, I hear you as plain as though you set right next me,' says
Ag. 'Now, you listen and see if I'm audible at the same
range--You're a blasted chump!' he roars, in a tone of voice that
would have carried forty mile. Did _you_ hear that, Red?' he asks
very innocent. I was so hot at the driver's sass--the cussed
low-downness of doing a feller a favour and then heaving it at
him--that you could have lit a match on me anywheres, but to save
me I couldn't help laughing--Ag had the comicallest way!
"At that the driver begins to larrup the horses. I ain't the kind
to feel faint when a cayuse gets what's coming to him for raising
the devil, but to see that lad whale his team because there wasn't
nothing else he dared hit, got me on my hind legs. I nestled one
hand in his hair and twisted his ugly mug back.
"'Quit that!' says I.
"'You let me be--I ain't hurting _you_,' he hollers.