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[pg i] PUNCH or the London Charivari, with a vignette of PUNCH. VOLUME
THE FIRST. [pg iii] A group of masked players surround PUNCH. A banner
reads INTRODUCTION. A letter T is hoisted in a shipyard. his Guffawgraph
is intended to form a refuge for destitute witan asylum for the
thousands of orphan jokesthe superannuated Joe Millersthe millions of
perishing puns, which are now wandering about without so much as a shelf
to rest upon! It is also devoted to the emancipation of the JEW
desprits all over the world, and the naturalization of those alien
JONATHANS, whose adherence to the truth has forced them to emigrate from
their native land.
PUNCH has the honour of making his appearance every SATURDAY, and
continues, from week to week, to offer to the world all the fun to be
found in his own and the following heads:
POLITICS. PUNCH has no party prejudiceshe is conservative in his
opposition to Fantoccini and political puppets, but a progressive whig
in his love of small change.
FASHIONS. This department is conducted by Mrs. J. Punch, whose extensive
acquaintance with the élite of the areas enables her to furnish the
earliest information of the movements of the Fashionable World.
POLICE. This portion of the work is under the direction of an
experienced noblemana regular attendant at the various officeswho from
a strong attachment to PUNCH, is frequently in a position to supply
exclusive reports.
[pg iv] REVIEWS. To render this branch of the periodical as perfect as
possible, arrangements have been made to secure the critical assistance
of John Ketch, Esq., who, from the mildness of the law, and the
congenial character of modern literature with his early associations,
has been induced to undertake its execution.
FINE ARTS. Anxious to do justice to native talent, the criticisms upon
Painting, Sculpture, &c., are confided to one of the most popular
artists of the dayPunchs own immortal scene-painter.
MUSIC AND THE DRAMA. These are amongst the most prominent features of
the work. The Musical Notices are written by the gentleman who plays the
mouth-organ, assisted by the professors of the drum and cymbals. Punch
himself does the Drama.
SPORTING. A Prophet is engaged! He foretells not only the winners of
each race, but also the VATES and colours of the riders.
THE FACETIÆ Are contributed by the members of the following learned
bodies:
THE COURT OF COMMON COUNCIL AND THE ZOOLOGICAL SOCIETY:THE TEMPERANCE
ASSOCIATION AND THE WATERPROOFING COMPANY:THE COLLEGE OF PHYSICIANS AND
THE HIGHGATE CEMETERY:THE DRAMATIC AUTHORS AND THE MENDICITY
SOCIETIES:THE BEEFSTEAK CLUB AND THE ANTI-DRY-ROT COMPANY.
Together with original, humorous, and satirical articles in verse and
prose, from all the
Dogs dressed in gentlemen's clothing. FUNNY DOGS WITH COMIC TALES.
[pg v] INTRODUCTION. VOLUME I.JULY TO DECEMBER, 1841. POLITICAL
SUMMARY. Early in the month of July, 1841, a small handbill was freely
distributed by the newsmen of London, and created considerable amusement
and inquiry. That handbill now stands as the INTRODUCTION to this, the
first Volume of Punch, and was employed to announce the advent of a
publication which has sustained for nearly twenty years a popularity
unsurpassed in the history of periodical literature. Punch and the
Elections were the only matters which occupied the public mind on July
17, 1842. The Whigs had been defeated in many places where hitherto they
had been the popular party, and it was quite evident that the Meeting of
Parliament would terminate their lease of Office. [Street Politics.] The
House met on the 19th of August, and unanimously elected MR. SHAW
LEFEVRE to be Speaker. The address on the QUEENS Speech was moved by
MR. MARK PHILLIPS, and seconded by MR. DUNDAS. MR. J.S. WORTLEY moved an
amendment, negativing the confidence of the House in the Ministry, and
the debate continued to occupy Parliament for four nights, when the
Opposition obtained a majority of 91 against the Ministers. Amongst
those who spoke against the Government, and directly in favour of SIR
ROBERT PEEL, was MR. DISRAELI. In his speech he accused the Whigs of
seeking to retain power in opposition to the wishes of the country, and
of profaning the name of the QUEEN at their elections, as if she had
been a second candidate at some petty poll, and considered that they
should blush for the position in which they had placed their Sovereign.
MR. BERNAL, Jun., retorted upon MR. DISRAELI for inveighing against the
Whigs, with whom he had formerly been associated. SIR ROBERT PEEL, in a
speech of great eloquence, condemned the inactivity and feebleness of
the existing Government, and promised that, should he displace it, and
take office, it should be by walking in the open light, and in the
direct paths of the constitution. He would only accept power upon his
conception of public duty, and would resign the moment he was satisfied
he was unsupported by the confidence of the people, and not continue to
hold place when the voice of the country was against him. [Hercules
tearing Theseus from the Rock to which he had grown.] LORD JOHN defended
the acts of the Ministry, and denied that they had been guilty of
harshness to the poor by the New Poor Law, or enemies of the Church by
reducing the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY to the miserable pittance of
£15,000 a year, cutting down the BISHOP OF LONDON to no more than
£10,000 a year, and the BISHOP OF DURHAM to the wretched stipend of
£8,000 a year! He twitted PEEL for his reticence upon the Corn Laws,
and denounced the possibility of a sliding scale of duties upon corn. He
concluded by saying, I am convinced that, if this country be governed
by enlarged and liberal counsels, its power and might will spread and
increase, and its influence become greater and greater; liberal
principles will prevail, civilisation will be spread to all parts of the
globe, and you will bless millions by your acts and mankind by your
union. Loud and continued cheering followed this speech, but on
division the majority was against the Ministers. When the House met to
recommend the report on the amended Address, MR. SHARMAN CRAWFORD moved
another amendment, to the effect that the distress of the people
referred to in the QUEENS Speech was mainly attributable to the non-
representation of the working classes in Parliament. He did not advocate
universal suffrage, but one which would give a fair representation of
the people. From the want of this arose unjust wars, unjust legislation,
unjust monopoly, of which the existing Corn Laws were the most grievous
instance. There was no danger in confiding the suffrage to the working
classes, who had a vital interest in the public prosperity, and had
evinced the truest zeal for freedom.
The amendment was negatived by 283 to 39.
At the next meeting of the House LORD MARCUS HILL read the Answer to the
Address, in which the QUEEN declared that ever anxious to listen to the
advice of Parliament, she would take immediate measures for the
formation of a new Administration. [Punch and Peel.] LORD MELBOURNE, in
the House of Lords, announced on the 30th of August that he and his
colleagues only held office until their successors were appointed. [Last
Pinch.] The House received the announcement in perfect silence, and
adjourned immediately afterwards. On the same [pg vi]night, in the House
of Commons, LORD JOHN RUSSELL made a similar announcement, and briefly
defended the course he and his colleagues had taken, and in reply to
some complimentary remarks from LORD STANLEY, approving of LORD JOHNS
great zeal, talent, and perseverance, denied that the Crown was
answerable for any of the propositions contained in the Speech, which
were the result of the advice of HER MAJESTYS Ministers, and for which
her Ministers alone were responsible. This declaration was necessary in
consequence of the accusation of the Conservatives, that the Ministry
had made an unfair use of the QUEENS name in and out of Parliament.
[Trimming a Whig.] The new Ministry [The Letter of Introduction] was
formed as follows:
THE CABINET. THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON (without office); First Lord of the
Treasury, SIR R. PEEL; Lord Chancellor, LORD LYNDHUHST; Chancellor of
the Exchequer, RIGHT HON. H. GOULBURN; President of the Council, LORD
WHARNCLIFFE; Privy Seal, DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM; Home Secretary, SIR JAMES
GRAHAM; Foreign Secretary, EARL OF ABERDEEN; Colonial Secretary, LORD
STANLEY; First Lord of the Admiralty, EARL OF HADDINGTON; President of
the Board of Control, LORD ELLENBOROUGH; President of the Board of
Trade, EARL OF RIPON; Secretary at War, SIR H. HARDINGE; Treasurer of
the Navy and Paymaster of the Forces, SIR E. KNATCHBULL.
NOT IN THE CABINET. Postmaster-General, LORD LOWTHER; Chancellor of the
Duchy of Lancaster, LORD G. SOMERSET; Woods and Forests, EARL OF
LINCOLN; Master-General of the Ordnance, SIR G. MURRAY; Vice-President
of the Board of Trade and Master of the Mint, W.E. GLADSTONE; Secretary
of the Admiralty, HON. SYDNEY HERBERT; Joint Secretaries of the
Treasury, SIR G. CLERK and SIR T. FREMANTLE; Secretaries of the Board of
Control, HON. W. BARING and J. EMERSON TENNENT; Home Under-Secretary,
HON. C.M. SUTTON; Foreign Under-Secretary, LORD CANNING; Colonial Under-
Secretary, G.W. HOPE; Lords of the Treasury, ALEXANDER PRINGLE, H.
BARING, J. YOUNG, and J. MILNES GASKELL; Lords of the Admiralty, SIR G.
COCKBURN, ADMIRAL SIR W. GAGE, SIR G. SEYMOUR, HON. CAPTAIN GORDON, HON.
H.L. COREY; Store-keeper of the Ordnance, J.R. BONHAM; Clerk of the
Ordnance, CAPTAIN BOLDERO; Surveyor-General of the Ordnance, COLONEL
JONATHAN PEEL; Attorney-General, SIR F. POLLOCK; Solicitor-General, SIR
W. FOLLETT; Judge-Advocate, DR. NICHOLL; Governor-General of Canada, SIR
C. BAGOT; Lord Advocate of Scotland, SIR W. RAE.
IRELAND. Lord Lieutenant, EARL DE GREY; Lord Chancellor, SIR E. SUGDEN;
Chief Secretary, LORD ELIOT; Attorney-General, MR. BLACKBURNE, Q.C.;
Solicitor-General, SERJEANT JACKSON.
QUEENS HOUSEHOLD. Lord Chamberlain, EARL DELAWARR; Lord Steward, EARL
OF LIVERPOOL; Master of the Horse, EARL OF JERSEY; Master of the
Buckhounds, EARL OF ROSSLYN; Captain of the Yeomen of the Guard, MARQUIS
OF LOTHIAN; Captain of the Gentlemen Pensioners, LORD FORESTER; Vice-
Chamberlain, LORD ERNEST BRUCE; Treasurer of the Household, EARL JERMYN;
Controller of the Household, HON. D. DAMER; Lords in Waiting, LORD
ABOYNE, LORD RIVERS, LORD HARDWICKE, LORD BYRON, EARL OF WARWICK,
VISCOUNT SYDNEY, EARL OF MORTON, and MARQUIS OF ORMONDE; Groom in
Waiting, CAPTAIN MEYNELL; Mistress of the Robes, DUCHESS OF BUCCLEUCH;
Ladies of the Bedchamber, MARCHIONESS CAMDEN, LADY LYTTELTON, LADY
PORTMAN, LADY BARHAM, and COUNTESS OF CHARLEMONT.
PRINCE ALBERTS HOUSEHOLD. Groom of the Stole, MARQUIS OF EXETER;
Sergeant-at-Arms, COLONEL PERCEVAL; Clerk Marshal, LORD C. WELLESLEY.
The members of the new Government were re-elected without an exception,
and the House of Commons met again on September 16. SIR ROBERT PEEL made
a statement to the House, in which he merely intimated that he should
adopt the Estimates [Playing the Knave] of his predecessors, and
continue the existing Poor-Law and its Establishment to the 31st of July
following. He declined to announce his own financial measures until the
next Session, and continued in this determination unmoved by the
speeches of LORD JOHN RUSSELL, LORD PALMERSTON, and other Members of the
Opposition. MR. FIELDEN moved that no supplies be granted until after an
inquiry into the distress of the country; but the motion was negatived
by a large majority. Continual reference was made by MR. COBDEN, MR.
VILLIERS, and others to the strong desire of the people for a Repeal of
the Corn Laws, and which had been loudly expressed out of the House for
more than four years. MR. BUSFIELD FERRAND denied the necessity for any
alteration, and accused the manufacturers of fomenting the agitation for
their own selfish ends, and to increase their power of reducing the
wages of the already starving workmen. MR. MARK PHILLIPS, in a capital
speech, disproved all MR. FERRANDS statements. SIR ROBERT PEEL brought
in a Bill to continue the Poor Law Commission for six months, and MR.
FIELDERS Amendment [The Well Dressed and the Well to Do] to reject it
was negatived by 183 to 18. LORD MELBOURNE attacked, in the House of
Lords, the Ministerial plan of finance, and their silence as to the
future [Mr. Sancho Bull and his State Physician], and invited the DUKE
OF WELLINGTON to bring forward a measure for an alteration of the Corn
Laws, promising him a full House if he would do so. The Duke declined
the invitation, as he never announced an intention which he did not
entertain, and he had not considered the operation of the Corn Laws
sufficiently to bring forward a scheme for the alteration of them. This
statement led on a subsequent evening to an intimation from the DUKE OF
WELLINGTON, in reply to the EARL OF RADNOR, that a consideration of the
Corn Laws was only declined at the present time. On the 7th of October
Parliament was prorogued until November 11th, the Lords Commissioners
being the LORD CHANCELLOR, the DUKE OF WELLINGTON, the DUKE OF
BUCKINGHAM, the EARL OF SHAFTESBURY, and LORD WHARNCLIFFE.
[pg vii] NOTES. Humes Terminology.Defeat at Leeds.
W. BECKETT 2076 W. ALDAM 2043 T. HUME 2033 VISCOUNT JOCELYN 1926 Lessons
in Punmanship.THOMAS HOOD, the distinguished Poet and Wit, died May 3,
1845.
Court Circular.MASTER JONES, better known as the Boy JONES, was a
sweep who obtained admission on more than one occasion to Buckingham
Palace in a very mysterious manner. He gave great trouble to the
authorities, and was at length sent into the Royal Navy.
Mrs. Lilly was the nurse of the PRINCESS ROYAL.
Mr. Moreton Dyer, a stipendiary Magistrate, removed from the Commons on
a charge of bribing electors.
A Public Conveyance.THE MARQUIS OF WATERFORD was then a man about town,
and frequently before the public in connection with some extravagance.
The Black-Balled Of The United Service refers to proceedings connected
with the EARL OF CARDIGAN. Exception had been taken to the introduction
of black bottles at the mess-table at Brighton, and a duel was
subsequently fought by LORD CARDIGAN and MR. HARVEY TUCKETT.
An Ode.Kilpacks Divan, now the American Bowling Alley, in King Street,
Covent Garden, continues to be the resort of minor celebrities. As the
club was a private one, we do not feel justified in more plainly
indicating the members referred to as the jocal nine.
Mrs. H.MRS. HONEY, a very charming actress.
Court Circular.DEAF BURKE was a pugilist who occasionally exhibited
himself as the Grecian Statues, and upon one occasion attempted a
reading from SHAKSPEARE. As he was very ignorant, and could neither read
nor write, the effect was extremely ridiculous, and helped to give the
man a notoriety.
The Harp, a tavern near Drury Lane, was a favourite resort of the Elder
KEAN, and in 1841 had a club-room divided into four wards: Gin Ward,
Poverty Ward, Insanity Ward, and Suicide Ward, the walls of which were
appropriately illustrated, and by no mean hand. The others named (with
the exception of PADDY GREEN) were pugilists.
An an-tea Anacreontic.RUNDEL was the head of a large Jewellers firm on
Ludgate Hill.
Monsieur Jullien was the first successful promoter of cheap concerts in
England. He was a clever conductor, and affected the mountebank. He was
a very honourable man, and hastened his death by over-exertion to meet
his liabilities. He died 1860.
Punch and Peel.SIR ROBERT PEEL stipulated, on taking office, for an
entire change of the Ladies of the Bedchamber.
William Farren, the celebrated actor of Old Men.
Colonel Sibthorp was M.P. for Lincoln, and more distinguished by his
benevolence to his constituency than his merits as a senator. He was
very amusing.
Fashionable Movements.COUNT DORSAY, an elegant, accomplished, and
kind-hearted Frenchman, was a leader of Fashion, long resident in
England. He was the friend and adviser of Louis NAPOLEON during his
exile in this country. COUNT DORSAY died in Paris.
Jobbing Patriots.MR. GEORGE ROBINS was an auctioneer in Covent Garden,
and celebrated for the extravagant imagery of his advertisements. His
successors have offices in Bond Street.
Shocking Want of Sympathy.SIR P. LAURIE, a very active City magnate,
continually engaged in putting down suicide, poverty, &c.
Sir F. Burdett, long the Radical member for Westminster. His political
perversion took every one by surprise.
New Stuffing for the Speakers Chair.MR. PETER BORTHWICK had been an
actor in the Provinces.
Inquest.The Eagle Tavern, City Road, was built by MR. ROUSEBravo,
ROUSE! as he was called.
Lady Morgan, the Authoress of The Wild Irish Girl, and many other
popular works, died 1860.
The Tory Table dHote.BILLY HOLMES was whipper-in to the
Conservatives in the House of Commons.
The Legal Eccalobeion.BARON CAMPBELL had been appointed Chancellor of
Ireland a few days before the Dissolution (1841). He is now Lord
Chancellor of England (1861). The Eccalobeion was an apparatus for
hatching birds by steam, but was too costly to be successful
commercially.
The State Doctor.SIR R. PEEL, in his speech at Tamworth, had called
himself the State Doctor, who would not attempt to prescribe until
regularly called in.
Curious Coincidence.Certain gentlemen, feeling themselves aggrieved and
unfairly treated by the managers of the London Theatres, had for some
time been abusing the more fortunate dramatists, whose pieces had found
acceptance with the public, until at last they resolved upon the course
here set forth, and commented upon.
Animal Magnetism.LORDS MELBOURNE, RUSSELL, and MORPETH, and MR.
LABOUCHERE at the window, SIR R. PEEL and the DUKE OF WELLINGTON
mesmerising the Lion.
Mr. Muntz, M.P. for Birmingham, wore a very large beard, and in 1841
such hirsute adornments were very uncommon.
General Satisfaction.The Morning Herald had acquired the sobriquet of
My Grandmother.
Done Again.MR. DUNN, a barrister, subjected Miss BURDETT COUTTS to a
series of annoyances which ultimately led to legal proceedings, and to
MR. DUNNS imprisonment.
Bernard Cavanagh was an impostor who pretended he could live for many
weeks without food. He attracted much attention at the time, and was
ultimately detected concealing [pg viii]a cold sausage, when he
confessed his imposture, and was imprisoned by the MAYOR OF READING.
Taking The Hodds.Holy Land, the cant name for a part of St. Giless,
now destroyed. BANKS owned a public-house frequented by thieves of both
sexes, and whom he managed to keep under perfect control. A visit to
Stunning JOE BANKS was thought a fast thing in 1841.
Feargus OConnor, M.P. for Nottingham, was the leader of the Chartists
and projector of the Land Scheme for securing votes to the masses. The
project failed. MR. OCONNOR was a political enthusiast, ultimately
became insane, and died in an Asylum.
Die Hexen am Rhein.MR. FREDERICK YATES was an admirable actor, and the
proprietor and manager of the favourite little Adelphi Theatre, in the
Strand.
Prospectus.We believe this article suggested the existing Accident
Assurance Company.
Mr. Silk Buckingham was a voluminous writer and founder of the British
and Foreign Institute, in George Street, Hanover Square.
Parliamentary Masons.The masons employed in building the New Houses of
Parliament struck for higher wages.
The Improvident.LORD MELBOURNE and MR. LABOUCHERE, MR. D. OCONNELL,
LORDS RUSSELL and MORPETH.
Promenade Concerts.M. MUSARD was the originator in Paris of this class
of amusement. Their popularity induced an imitation in England by M.
JULLIEN.
To Benevolent and Humane Jokers.TOM COOKE was the leader and composer
at the Theatres Royal, and a remarkable performer on a penny trumpet. He
occasionally made use of this toy in his pantomime introductions. He was
also a very funny fellow.
Coming Events Cast their Shadows before.SIR JAMES CLARKE, Accoucheur to
the QUEEN.
Savory Con. by Cox.COX AND SAVORY, advertising silversmiths and
watchmakers.
New Parliamentary Masons.In the foreground COL. SIBTHORP, SIR R. PEEL,
and MR. OCONNELL. At the back SIR JAMES GRAHAM, DUKE OF WELLINGTON, and
LORD STANLEY.
Rob Me the Exchequer, Hal.A person of the name of SMITH forged a
great amount of Exchequer Bills at this time.
The Fire at the Tower on October 31, 1841. Immense damage was done to
the building, and a great quantity of arms were destroyed. (See Annual
Register.)
Sir Robert Macaire.Robert Macaire was a French felonious drama made
famous by the admirable acting of LEMAITRE, and, from some supposed
allusion to LOUIS PHILIPPE, MACAIRES friend and scapegoat always
appears with a large umbrella.
The OConnell Papers.D. OCONNELL was elected Lord Mayor of Dublin,
1841.
Harmer Virumque Cano.ALDERMAN HARMER, Proprietor of the Weekly
Dispatch, and for that and other reasons, was not elected Lord Mayor.
Cutting at the Root of the Evil.MR. HOBLER was for many years Principal
Clerk to the Magistrates at the Mansion House.
Olivias (Lord Broughams) Return to her Friends.LORDS RUSSELL,
MELBOURNE, MORPETH, D. OCONNELL, CORDEN, and LABOUCHERE.
A Barrow Knight.SIR VINCENT COTTON was a well-known four-in-hand whip,
and for some little time drove a coach to Brighton. SIR WYNDHAM
ANSTRUTHER (WHEEL OF FORTUNE) was another four-in-hand celebrity.
Seeing Nothing.DANIEL WHITTLE HARVEY.
Barber-ous Announcement.MR. TANNERS shop was part of one of the side
arches of Temple Bar, and so reached from that obstruction to Shire
Lane, which adjoins it on the City side.
Fashionable Intelligence.The PADDY GREEN so frequently referred to was
a popular singer and an excellent tempered man. He was unfairly treated
by Punch at this time, because really unknown to the writer. MR. JOHN
GREEN is now the well known and much respected host and proprietor of
Evanss Hotel, Covent Garden.
Kings and Carpenters.DON LEON, shot for insurrection in favour of the
Ex-Regent CHRISTINA.
Cupid out of Place.LORD PALMERSTON, from his very engaging manner, was
long known as Cupid.
Jack Cutting his Name on the Beam.LORD JOHN RUSSELL, after GEORGE
CRUIKSHANKS etching of Jack Sheppard.
Sibthorps Con. Corner.BRYANT was publisher of Punch, 1841.
PUNCH kicks the world. Punch, or the London Charivari for the week
ending July 17, 1841 October 9, 1841 July 24, 1841 October 16, 1841 July
31, 1841 October 23, 1841 August 7, 1841 October 30, 1841 August 14,
1841 November 6, 1841 August 21, 1841 November 13, 1841 August 28, 1841
November 20, 1841 September 5, 1841 November 27, 1841 September 12, 1841
December 4, 1841 September 18, 1841 December 11, 1841 September 25, 1841
December 18, 1841 October 2, 1841 December 25, 1841 INDEX. A man
sweeping, forming the letter A A Barristers Card, 33 A Bitter
DraughtJonathanisms, 47 A Bower of Bliss in Stangate, 120 A
Barrowknight, 226 A Card, 106 A Chapter on Politics, 216 A Classical
Inscription for a Cigar-case, 29 A Chapter on Boots, 16 A Con., 15, 23,
29, 48, 209, 221, 241, 252 A Constant Pair, 76 A Count and his
Schneider, 76 A Curious Error, 155 A Cruel Disappointment, 81 Active
Benevolence, 231 A Cut by Sir Peter, 273 A Dab for Laurie, 251 A Deer
Bargain, 275 A Dictionary for the Ladies, 264 A Dose of Castor, 218 A
Dress Rehearsal, 59 Advantages of Animal Magnetism, 47 Advantages of
Style, 69 Advice Gratis, 74 A Familiar Epistle from John Stump, Esq.,
237 A Fair Offer, 33 A Few more veritable Jonathans, 24 Affairs in
China, 143 A Great Card, 143 A Hint for Politicians, 101 A Hint to the
new Lord Chamberlain, 83 A Hint to the Ugly, 48 Alarming Destitution, 52
Alarming Prospects of the Country, 218 A Legend of the Tower (not
London), 220 A Mail Due, 173 A Manual of Dénouements, 145 A Matter of
Course, 83 A Matter of Taste, 52 A Mayors Nest, 184 A Meeting of Old
Acquaintances, 252 A Mesmeric Advertisement, 122 A Moving Scene, 35 A
Modern Method of forming a New Budget, 13 An Alligator Chairman, 10 An
Alarming Strike, 122 An-Tea Anacreontic, 4, 13, 40, 53 An Atrocious Pun,
98 An Appropriate Name, 97 An Advertisement, 85 A Natural Deduction, 37
A Natural Inference, 52 An Appropriate Gift, 173 An Acute Angle, 73 An
Extract from the Spectator, 202 An Extensive Sacrifice, 129 An Exclusive
Appointment, 87 A New Theory of Pockets, 113 A New Milky Way, 228 A New
Conjuring Company, 129 A New Version of Belshazzars Feast, 66 A New
Wine, 257 An Imminent Breach, 82 An Inquiry from Deaf Burke, Esq., 58
Animal Magnetism, 28 An important Discovery, 64 Announcement
Extraordinary, 274 An Ode picked up in the Divan, 11 A Novel
Entertainment, 110 An Undivided Moiety, 205 A Party of Medallers, 15 A
Pair of Ducks, 179 A Pair of Fools, 76 A Pæan for Dan, 208 A Perfect
Vacuum Proved, 252 A Pleasant Assurance, 149 A Private Box, 93 A Pro and
Con, 101 A Prudent Change, 34 A Prudent Reason, 125 A Public
Convenience, 6 A Punch Testimonial, 227 A Pun from the Row, 83 A
Quarter-day Cogitation, 5 Are ye sure the News is True? 218 Artistic
Execution, 83 Arrived at Last, 173 A Ring! a Ring!! 145 American
Congress, 172 A Royal Duck, 134 A Scandalous Report, 194 A Short
Treatise of Dramatic Casualties, 131 A Singular Inadvertence, 90 A Slap
at John Chinamans Chops, 180 A Slight Contrast, 256 A Spoke in
Stanleys Wheel, 52 A Spoon Case, 251 Assertion of the Unintelligible,
111 A Strong Resemblance, 34 A Suggestion, 182 A Thing unfit to
a(p)pear, 64 A Thorough Draught, 207 A Try-Angle, 170 A Trifle from
Little Tommy, 81 Awful Accident, 69, 81 A Wood-cut, 23 Authentic, 40 A
Voice from the Area, 100 A woman leans against a letter B. Bad either
Way, 76 Ballads of the Briefless, 273 Barber-ous Announcement, 228
Bartholomew Fair Show-Folks, 88 Beginning Early, 75 Bernard Cavanagh,
124 Birth of the Prince of Wales, 205 Black and White, 52 Blow Gentle
Breeze, 193 Brandy and Waterford (a Go!), 226 Breach of Privilege, 29
Buffoons Natural History, 256 Bunkss Discoveries in the Thames, 129
Burkes Heraldry, 182 A seated man smokes and forms a letter C Calumny
Refuted, 52 Capital Illustration, 88 Cause and Effect, 202, 238 Caution
to Gourmands, 81 Caution to Sportsmen, 97 Certainly not,Better Late
than Never, 255 Characteristic Correspondence, 17 Charles Keans
Cheek, 53 Chaunt to Old Father Time, 23 Chelsea, 71
Christianity.Price Fifteen Shillings, 150 Civilization, 27 Clar de
Kitchen, 15 Comic Credentials, 40 Coming Events cast their Shadows
before, 177 Commentary on the Elections, 9 Commercial Intelligence, 1
Cons.A Query, 54 Cons, by OConnell, 167 Con. by Theodore Hook, 81
Cons. by Our Own Colonel, 155 Conundrums by Col. Sibthorp, 21 Con. by
Sibthorp and Stultz, 245 Con. by an X M.P., 29 Cons, worth Conning, 227
Conundrum by the Lord Mayor, 216 Concerts dEté, 96 Condensed
Parliamentary Report, 133 Continuations from China, 157 Conversation
between Two Hackney-coach Horses, 5 Coombes Lungs and Learning, 161
Correspondence, 35 Correspondence Extraordinary, 61 Coventrys Wise
Precaution, 157 Court Circular, 5, 13 Crimes of Eating, 250 Cross
Readings, 23 Cupids Bow, 255 Curious Ambiguity, 144 Curious
Coincidence, 65, 87 Curious Synonymes, 173 Curiosity Hunters, 137
Custom-House Sale, 145 Cutting at the Root of the Evil, 218 Cutting it
rather Short, 251 A man walks through a letter D Decidedly Unpleasant,
87 Devilled Drumsticks, 226 Dialogue. George Canning and Sir Robert
Peel, 111 Diary of a Lord Mayor, 26 Discovery of Valuable Jewels, 238
Distress of the Country, 215 Doctor Peel taking time to Consult, 126
Doing the State some Service, 206 Domestic Economy, 183 Done again, 110
Draw it Gently, 255 Dyer Ignorance, 135 A man doffs his hat, holds a bag
in his hand, and has a string attached. He forms a letter E.
Eccentricities of the Minor Drama, 137 Ecclesiastical Transportation, 21
Elegant Phrases, 261 Eligible Investments! 209 Encouragement of Native
Talent, 114 Enjoyment, 108 English and American Produce, 61 Epigrams,
14, 21, 24, 61, 89, 97, 173, 198 Epitaph on a Candle, 172 Errata in the
Times, 141 Exclusive Interference, 28 Express from America, 185
Express from Windsor, 134 Extra Fashionable News, 90 Extraordinary
Assize Intelligence, 52 Extraordinary Operation, 52 A man carries
something on a shoulder and forms a letter F False Alarm, 206 Fancied
Fair, 95 Fashions, 83, 257, 270 Fashionable Arrivals, 21, 74 Fashionable
Intelligence, 47, 130, 205, 221, 232, 257 Fashionable Movements, 255
Fearful State of London, 99 Fine Arts, 9, 33, 108, 112 Fine Arts
External Exhibitions, 65 Fire! Fire! 173 Fire at the Adelphi Theatre,
249 Fish Sauce, 118 Foreign Affairs, 42, 95 French Living, 232 From the
London Gazette, Nov. 16, 232 A man leans against a letter G Galvanism
Outdone, 101 General Satisfaction, 85 Geology of Society, 157 Go along,
Bob, 155 Grants Meditations among the Coffee-cup, 263 Gravesendfrom
our own Correspondent, 121 Great Annual Michaelmas Jubilee, 135 Two men
shaking hands form a letter H (H)all is lost now! 123 Habit is second
Nature, 147 Hamlets Soliloquy by a XX Teetotaller, 190 Happy Land, 173
Hard and Fast, 203 Hard to Remember, 209 Harmer Virumque Cano, 215 Heavy
Lightness, 83 High Life Below Stairs, 134 Hints on Popping the Question,
233 Hints to New Members, 82 Hints on Melo-dramatic Music, 17 Hints how
to enjoy an Omnibus, 250 His Turn now, 237 Hitting the Right Nail on the
Head, 52 Hostilities in Private Life, 178 Humane Suggestion, 111 Humes
Terminology, 1 Humes Day-school, 11 Hume LeedsWakley Follows, 180
Humfery Cheat-em, 45 PUNCH in his theatre forms a letter I I Do Adjure
you, Answer me! 154 If I had a Thousand a Year, 63 Imperial
ParliamentThe Queens Speech, 78 Important News from China, 74
Important Intelligence, 269 Important Invention, 130 Inauguration of the
Image of Shakspere, 106 Injured Innocence, 54 Inquest, 41 Inquest
Extraordinary, 87 Inquest Extraordinary on a Coroner, 155 Inquestnot
Extraordinary, 78 Irish Intelligence.Awful State of the Country, 220
Irish Particular, 52 It was before I married, 57 A begging dog forms a
letter J Jocky Jason, 57 Joe Humes Forthcoming Work, 221 Joe
Hum(e)anity, 123 Jonathans, 24, 37 A woman and her backwards umbrella
form a letter K Keeping it dark, 189 Kidnapping Extraordinary, 179 Kings
and Carpenters, 234 People under a tree building a canoe form a letter L
Labours of the British Association, 57 Labours of the Session, 159 Lady
Morgans Little One, 49 Lam(b)entations, 71 Land Sharks and Sea Gulls,
142 Last New Sayings, 191 Lauries Raillery, 252 Lauries Essay on the
Pharmacopia, 168 Laurie on Geography, 161 Lays of the Beau Monde, 141
Lays of the Lazy, 70 Legal Pugilism, 41 Lessons in Punmanship, 2 Letter
of Introduction, 90 Like Master Like Man, 154 Lines on Miss Adelaide
Kemble, 255 Looking on the Black Side of Things, 99 List of Outrages,
142 Literary Queries and Replies, 24 Lord Melbournes Letter-beg, 70
Lord Johnny Licking the Birse, 54 Love and Hymen, 244 Loyalty and
Insanity, 258 Linen-drapers of Ludgate, 166 List of the Premiums at the
H.S. Soc., 189 Literary Recipes, 39 Two girls on stilts form a letter M
Madame Tussauds, 96 Magisterial Axioms, 226 Major Beniowskys New Art
of Memory, 149 Making a Composition with ones Ancestors, 135 Marriage
and Christening Extraordinary, 22 Matinée Mesmerique, 123 Matrimonial
Agency, 59 Maternal Solicitude, 70 Matters in Fact and Matters in
Law, 59 Metropolitan Improvements, 141 Michaelmas Day, 142 Modern Wat
Tylers, 26 Molar and Incisor, 136 Monsieur Jullien, 15 More Ways than
One, &c., 15 Morbid Sympathy for Criminals, 227 More Sketches of London
Life, 231 More Fashionable Intelligence, 227 Mr. Punch, Artist in
Philosophy and Fireworks, 202 Musical News (Noose), 243 My Names the
Doctor, 40 Myself, Punch, and the Keeleys, 217 Two men and a
wheelbarrow form a letter N Napoleons Statue at Boulogne, 81 National
Distress, 251 Native Swallows, 1 Narrative of an Awful Case of Extreme
Distress, 77 New Code of Signals, 57 News for the Syncretics, 101 New
Parliamentary Returns, 83 New Annuals and Republications, 238 News of
Extraordinary Interest, 15 New Swimming Apparatus, 99 New Works now in
the Press, 171 New Stuffing for the Speakers Chair, 41 Nigger
Peculiarities, 184 Nobody Cares and Nobody Nose, 250 Nothing Wonderful,
26 Nothing New, 159 Not Exactly, 256 Not a Step Fa(r)ther, 173 Nouveau
Manuel du Voyageur, 28 Novel ExperimentGreat Screw, 82 Novel
Subscriptions, 123 Nursery Education Report, 54 Nursery Education
ReportNo. 2, 62 A couple in an O-framed vignette Official Report of the
Fire at the Tower, 241 Oh! Day and Night! 132 Oh! Gemini! 228 Old
Bailey, 41 Ominous, 22 One Good Turn deserves Another, 218 On Dits of
the Clubs, 53 On Snuff, and the Different Ways of Taking it, 256 On the
Introduction of Pantomime into the English Language, 10 On Sir E.L.
Bulwer, Bart., 28 On the Science of Electioneering, 110 On the Key-Vive,
191 On the Popularity of Mr. Chs Kn, 48 Our City Article, 39, 245 Our
Foreign Relations, 118 Our Trade Report, 189 Our Weathercock, 241 Out of
School, 275 Out of Season, 98 Two men pull on a tree branch and form a
letter P Parliamentary Intentions, 90 Parliamentary MasonsParliamentary
Pictures, 162 Peels Pre-existence, 198 Peel regularly called in, 102
Pen and Palette Portraits, 262, 274 Peter the Great (Fool?), 250
Philanthropy, Fine Writing, and Fireworks, 77 Physiology of the Lond.
Med. Student, 142, 154, 165, 177, 185, 201, 213, 225, 229, 244, 253, 265
Pictorial History of Parliament, 174 Pleasures of Hope (rather
expensive), 83 Please to remember the Fifth of November, 195 Poached
Egotism, 143 Poetry on an Improved Principle, 25 Political Naturalists
Library, 143 Political Euclid, 149, 166 Politics of the Outward Man, 186
Political Intelligence, 264 Poor Jack, 158 Poor John Bull, 34 Popish
Red-dress, 251 Possum up a Gum Tree, 205 Pray dont tell the
Governor, 28 Present Crops Abroad, 82 Private, 13 Proper Precaution, 222
Prospectus for a Provident Annuity Company, 81 Prospectus for a New
Hand-book of Jesters, 238 Prospectus of a New Grand Railroad Accident
and Partial Mutilation Provident Society, 159 Private Correspondence,
155 Providing for Evil Days, 107 Promenade Concerts, 168 Public Affairs
on Phrenological Principles, 57 Punch and Peel, 18 Punch and Peelthe
New Cabinet, 30 Punch and Sir John Pollen, 45 Punch and the Swiss
Giantess, 245 PunchliedSong for Punch Drinkers, 268 Punchs Catechism
of Geography, 214 Punchs Commission to Inquire into the General
Distress, 170 Punchs Correspondence, 17 Punchs Extra Dramatic
Intelligence, 69 Punchs Essence of Guffaw, 122 Punchs Guide to the
Watering PlacesBrighton, 145 Punchs Histrionic Readings in
HistoryEngland, 136 Punchs Information, 41, 58, 82, 119, 179, 261
Punchs Lecture on Morality, 119 Punchs Letter-Writer, 255 Punchs
Literature, 86 Punchs Literary Intelligence, 276 Punchs New General
Letter-Writer, 160 Punchs Pæan to the Princelet, 209 Punchs Political
Economy, 191 Punchs Random Recoll. of the House of Lords, 52 Punchs
Review: Madame Laffarge, 189 Punchs Stomachology, Lecture I., 232
PUNCHS THEATRE, 12, 24, 36, 48, 60, 72, 84, 95, 107, 113, 131, 132,
144, 156, 167, 180, 192, 203, 204, 216, 239, 240, 252, 264, 276 A dog
jumps through a hoop and forms a letter Q Q.E.D., 133 Qualifications for
an M.P., 12 Queer Queries, 269 Questions by the Disowned of Nottingham,
23 A pump with a 'Temperance' banner forms a letter R Rather Ominous, 83
Rather Suicidal, 82 Reasons Ne Plus Ultra, 76, 97 Recollections of a
Trip in Mr. Hamptons Balloon, 99 Railway Accidents, Prevention of, 165
Reconciling a Difference, 241 Recreation for the Public, 130 Reform your
Lawyers Bills, 197 Regularly Called in and Bowled out, 225 Rejected
Address of the Melancholy Whigs, 54 Relative Gentility, 189 Revenge is
Sweet, 23 Review, 23 Rob me the Exchequer, Hal, 194 Roebuck defying
the Thunderer, 134 Romance of a Teacup, 221, 233, 245 Root and Branch,
142 Royal Nursery Education Report, No. 3, 105 Rumball the Comedian, 41
Two whales kiss and form a letter S Sayings and Doings in the Royal
Nursery, 239 Savory Con. by Cox, 178 Schools of Design, 83, 159 Seeing
Nothing, 226 Shall Great Olympus to a Molehill Stoop? 89 Shocking want
of Sympathy, 29 Should this meet the Eye, 203 Sibthorpiana, 144
Sibthorps Corner, 233, 251, 267 Sibthorp on Borthwick, 172 Sibthorp on
the Corn Laws, 118 Sibthorps Very Best, 75 Sibthorpian Problems, 180
Signs of the Times, 253 Sir Francis Burdetts Visit to the Tower, 197
Sir Peter Laurie, 210 Sir Robert Peel and the Queen, 93 Sir Robert Peel
(Loquitur), 155 Slumber, my Darling, 237 Some things to which the
Irish would not swear, 177 Something Warlike, 1 So much for Buckingham,
159 Songs for Catarrhs, 205 Songs for the Sentimental, 6, 22, 37, 49,
81, 85, 123, 143, 149, 202, 233, 252, 262, 267 Songs of the Seedy, 93,
155, 167, 179, 184, 251 Soup, à la Julien, 264 Spanish Politics, 167
Sparks from the FireAll is not Lost, 214 Speech from the Hustings, 24
Sportingthe Knocker Hunt, 14 Sporting Face, 145 Sporting in Downing-
street, 69 Starvation Statistics for Sir Robert Peel, 267
Stenotypography, 15 Street PoliticsPunch and his Stage-Manager, 6
Stupid as a Post, 241 Supreme Court of the High Inquisitor Punch, 40,
69 Surrey Zoological Gardens, 109 Syllables which breathe of the Sweet
South, 22 Syncretic Literature, 100, 112, 124 Synopsis of Voting
according to Cant, 3 Sweet Autumn Days, 153 Two Chinese men stand with
their queues out to form a letter T Taking the Hodds, 133 Taking a Sight
at the Fire, 220 Theatrical Intelligence, 107 TALES, SKETCHES, &c. A
Day-Dream at my Uncles, 193 A Rail-Road Novel, 2 Father OFlynn and his
Congregation, 125 My Uncle Bucket, 64 My Friend Tom, 101 Say it was
me, 148 Take Care of Him, 268 The Barber of Stocksbawler, 161 The
Currah Cut, 76 The Gold Snuff-box, 183 The Great Creature, 169 The Heir
of Applebite, 73, 89, 97, 109, 121, 146, 171, 182, 194, 206, 219 The Man
of Habit, 191 The Omen Outwitted, 117 The Professional Singer, 4 The
Puff Papers, 230, 242, 254, 266 Tom Connors Dilemma, 153 The Sailors
Secret, 22 The Tiptoes, 133 The Wife Catchers, 34, 37, 49, 61 Theatre-
Royal Drury Lane, 47 The Above-bridge Navy, 35 The Amende Honorable, 107
The Bane and Antidote, 241 The Beauty of Brass, 111 The Boy Joness Log,
46 The Broth of a Boy, 269 The Battle and the Breeze, 130 The Corn Laws
and Christianity, 114 The Cheroot, 273 The Copper Captain, 267 The
Corsair; a Poem to be read on Railroads, 241 The Dinnerology of England,
78 The Destruction of the Aldermen, 215 The Desire of Pleasing, 181 The
Election of Ballinafad, 21 The Entire Animal, 12 The Explosive Box, 28
The Evil most to be Dreaded, 143 The Fastest Man, 267 The Fasting
Phenomenon, 130 The force of Fancy could no further go, 216 The Fêtes
for the Polish, 249 The Fire at the Tower, 195 The Gents Own Book, 63,
75, 85, 98, 147, 190, 207 The Great Cricket Match at St. Stephens, 87
The Golden-square Revolution, 99 The Geology of Society, 178 The High-
road to Gentility, 257 The Knatchbull Testimonial, 243 The late
Promotions, 264 The Legal Eccalobeion, 52 The Lord Mayors Fool, 214 The
Lord Mayors and the Queen, 202 The Loves of the Plants, 26 The Lost Med.
Papers of the British Assoc., 94 The Limerick Mares, 231 The Lambeth
Demosthenes, 219 The Light of all Nations, 130 The Minto House
Manifesto, 45 The Ministerial TOP, 123 The Mansion-house Parrot, 58 The
Money Market, 69 The Moral of Punch, 1 The Male Dalilah, 227 The Masons
and the Stone Jug, 216 The Ministrys Ode to the Passions, 93 The New
Doctors System, 132 The Normandie No-go, 29 The New Administration,
100 The New House, 29 The New State Stretcher, 173 The OConnell Papers,
208 The Prince of Wales, 226 The Packed Jury, 87 The Pensive Peel, 183
The Prince of Waleshis Future Times, 222 The Princes Extra, 216 The
Rival Candidates, 196 The Rape of the Lock-up, 228 The Royal Bulletins,
226 The Rich Old Buffer, 77 The Rising Sun, 17 The Royal Lion and
Unicorna Dialogue, 50 The Statistical Society, 110 The School of Design
at Hookham-cum-Snivey, 269 The Star System, 231 The Speakership, 58 The
Two Fatal Chiropedists, 89 The Two Macbeths, or the Haymarket Gemini, 47
The Tory Peacocks and the Finsbury Daw, 139 The Tory Table dHôte, 52
The Thorny Premier, 144 The Tea-service on Sea-service, 170 The Two New
Equity Judges, 202 The Two last Important Sittings, 180 The Unkindest
Cut of All, 221 The very next Jonathan, 157 The Value of StocksLast
Quotation, 166 The Wheels of Fortune, 226 The Wise Man of the East, 250
The Well-dressed and the Well-to-do, 138 The War with China, 168 The
Weight of Royaltythe Social Scale, 270 The Wapping Deluge, 178 The
Whigs last Dying Speech, 66 Those Diving Belles! those Diving Belles!
158 To the Laughter-loving Public, 23 Try our best Sympathy, 190 To
bad Jokers, 40 To benevolent and humane Jokers, 168 To Fancy Builders
and Capitalists, 38 To Mr. Green, the Inspector of Highways, 74 To
Professors of Languages who give Long Credit, 144 To Punsters and
others, 274 To Sir Rhubarb Pill, M.P. and M.D., 123 To Sir Fs Bt, 39
To Sir Robert, 149 To the Black-balled of the United Service, 9
Transactions of the Soc. of Hookham-cum-Snivey, 141 Transactions and
Yearly Report of do., 105, 118 Tremendous Failure, 207 A man's face in a
U-shaped frame University of London, 51 Vocal Evasion, 83 Verses on Miss
Chaplin, 238 Very Like a Whale, 173 Three men form a letter W War to
the Nail, 136 Waterford Election, 29 W(h)at Tyler, 122 What, ho!
Apothecary, 23 When Vulcan Forged, &c., 197 Whig-Waggeries, 13 Who are
to be the Lords in Waiting, 99 Wit without Money, 38, 71 END OF THE
FIRST VOLUME.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. [pg 1] JULY 17, 1841. THE MORAL
OF PUNCH. As we hope, gentle public, to pass many happy hours in your
society, we think it right that you should know something of our
character and intentions. Our title, at a first glance, may have misled
you into a belief that we have no other intention than the amusement of
a thoughtless crowd, and the collection of pence. We have a higher
object. Few of the admirers of our prototype, merry Master PUNCH, have
looked upon his vagaries but as the practical outpourings of a rude and
boisterous mirth. We have considered him as a teacher of no mean
pretensions, and have, therefore, adopted him as the sponsor for our
weekly sheet of pleasant instruction. When we have seen him parading in
the glories of his motley, flourishing his baton (like our friend
Jullien at Drury-lane) in time with his own unrivalled discord, by which
he seeks to win the attention and admiration of the crowd, what visions
of graver puppetry have passed before our eyes! Golden circlets, with
their adornments of coloured and lustrous gems, have bound the brow of
infamy as well as that of honoura mockery to both; as though virtue
required a reward beyond the fulfilment of its own high purposes, or
that infamy could be cheated into the forgetfulness of its vileness by
the weight around its temples! Gilded coaches have glided before us, in
which sat men who thought the buzz and shouts of crowds a guerdon for
the toils, the anxieties, and, too often, the peculations of a life. Our
ears have rung with the noisy frothiness of those who have bought their
fellow-men as beasts in the market-place, and found their reward in the
sycophancy of a degraded constituency, or the patronage of a venal
ministryno matter of what creed, for party must destroy patriotism.
The noble in his robes and coronetthe beadle in his gaudy livery of
scarlet, and purple, and goldthe dignitary in the fulness of his
pompthe demagogue in the triumph of his hollownessthese and other
visual and oral cheats by which mankind are cajoled, have passed in
review before us, conjured up by the magic wand of PUNCH.
How we envy his philosophy, when SHALLA-BA-LA, that demon with the bell,
besets him at every turn, almost teasing the sap out of him! The moment
that his tormentor quits the scene, PUNCH seems to forget the existence
of his annoyance, and, carolling the mellifluous numbers of Jim Crow, or
some other strain of equal beauty, makes the most of the present,
regardless of the past or future; and when SHALLA-BA-LA renews his
persecutions, PUNCH boldly faces his enemy, and ultimately becomes the
victor. All have a SHALLA-BA-LA in some shape or other; but few, how
few, the philosophy of PUNCH!
We are afraid our prototype is no favourite with the ladies. PUNCH is
(and we reluctantly admit the fact) a Malthusian in principle, and
somewhat of a domestic tyrant; for his conduct is at times harsh and
ungentlemanly to Mrs. P.
Eve of a land that still is Paradise,
Italian beauty!
But as we never look for perfection in human nature, it is too much to
expect it in wood. We wish it to be understood that we repudiate such
principles and conduct. We have a Judy of our own, and a little
Punchininny that commits innumerable improprieties; but we fearlessly
aver that we never threw him out of window, nor belaboured the lady with
a stickeven of the size allowed by law.
There is one portion of the drama we wish was omitted, for it always
saddens uswe allude to the prison scene. PUNCH, it is true, sings in
durance, but we hear the ring of the bars mingling with the song. We are
advocates for the correction of offenders; but how many generous and
kindly beings are there pining within the walls of a prison, whose only
crimes are poverty and misfortune! They, too, sing and laugh, and appear
jocund, but the heart can ever hear the ring of the bars.
We never looked upon a lark in a cage, and heard him trilling out his
music as he sprang upwards to the roof of his prison, but we felt
sickened with the sight and sound, as contrasting, in our thought, the
free minstrel of the morning, bounding as it were into the blue caverns
of the heavens, with the bird to whom the world was circumscribed. May
the time soon arrive, when every prison shall be a palace of the
mindwhen we shall seek to instruct and cease to punish. PUNCH has
already advocated education by example. Look at his dog Toby! The
instinct of the brute has almost germinated into reason. Man has reason,
why not give him intelligence?
We now come to the last great lesson of our motley teacherthe gallows!
that accursed tree which has its root in injuries. How clearly PUNCH
exposes the fallacy of that dreadful law which authorises the
destruction of life! PUNCH sometimes destroys the hangman: and why not?
Where is the divine injunction against the shedder of mans blood to
rest? None can answer! To us there is but ONE disposer of life. At other
times PUNCH hangs the devil: this is as it should be. Destroy the
principle of evil by increasing the means of cultivating the good, and
the gallows will then become as much a wonder as it is now a jest.
We shall always play PUNCH, for we consider it best to be merry and
wise
And laugh at all things, for we wish to know,
What, after all, are all things but a show!Byron.
As on the stage of PUNCHS theatre, many characters appear to fill up
the interstices of the more important story, so our pages will be
interspersed with trifles that have no other object than the moments
approbationan end which will never be sought for at the expense of
others, beyond the evanescent smile of a harmless satire.
COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE. There is a report of the stoppage of one of the
most respectable hard-bake houses in the metropolis. The firm had been
speculating considerably in Prince Alberts Rock, and this is said to
have been the rock they have ultimately split upon. The boys will be the
greatest sufferers. One of them had stripped hia jacket of all its
buttons as a deposit on some tom-trot, which the house had promised to
supply on the following day; and we regret to say, there are whispers of
other transactions of a similar character.
Money has been abundant all day, and we saw a half-crown piece and some
halfpence lying absolutely idle in the hands of an individual, who, if
he had only chosen to walk with it into the market, might have produced
a very alarming effect on some minor description of securities. Cherries
were taken very freely at twopence a pound, and Spanish (liquorice) at a
shade lower than yesterday. There has been a most disgusting glut of
tallow all the week, which has had an alarming effect on dips, and
thrown a still further gloom upon rushlights.
The late discussions on the timber duties have brought the match market
into a very unsettled state, and Congreve lights seem destined to
undergo a still further depression. This state of things was rendered
worse towards the close of the day, by a large holder of the last-named
article unexpectedly throwing an immense quantity into the market, which
went off rapidly.
SOMETHING WARLIKE. Many of our readers must be aware, that in pantomimic
pieces, the usual mode of making the audience acquainted with anything
that cannot be clearly explained by dumb-show, is to exhibit a linen
scroll, on which is painted, in large letters, the sentence necessary to
be known. It so happened that a number of these scrolls had Been thrown
aside after one of the grand spectacles at Astleys Amphitheatre, and
remained amongst other lumber in the property-room, until the late
destructive fire which occurred there. On that night, the wife of one of
the stage-assistantsa woman of portly dimensionswas aroused from her
bed by the alarm of fire, and in her confusion, being unable to find her
proper habiliments, laid hold of one of these scrolls, and wrapping it
around her, hastily rushed into the street, and presented to the
astonished spectators an extensive back view, with the words, BOMBARD
THE CITADEL, inscribed in legible characters upon her singular drapery.
HUMES TERMINOLOGY. Hume is so annoyed at his late defeat at Leeds, that
he vows he will never make use of the word Tory again as long as he
lives. Indeed, he proposes to expunge the term from the English
language, and to substitute that which is applied to, his own party. In
writing to a friend, that after the inflammatory character of the
oratory of the Carlton Club, it is quite supererogatory for me to state
(it being notorious) that all conciliatory measures will be rendered
nugatory, he thus expressed himself:After the inflammawhig character
of the orawhig of the nominees of the Carlton Club, it is quite
supererogawhig for me to state (it being nowhigous) that all
conciliawhig measures will be rendered nugawhig.
NATIVE SWALLOWS. A correspondent to one of the daily papers has
remarked, that there is an almost total absence of swallows this summer
in England. Had the writer been present at some of the election dinners
lately, he must have confessed that a greater number of active swallows
has rarely been observed congregated in any one year.
LORD MELBOURNE TO PUNCH. My dear PUNCH,Seeing in the Court Circular
of the Morning Herald an account of a General Goblet as one of the
guests of her Majesty, I beg to state, that till I saw that
announcement, I was not aware of any other general gobble it than myself
at the Palace.
Yours, truly, MELBOURN
[pg 2] A RAILROAD NOVEL DEAR PUNCH,I was much amused the other day, on
taking my seat in the Birmingham Railway train, to observe a
sentimental-looking young gentleman, who was sitting opposite to me,
deliberately draw from his travelling-bag three volumes of what appeared
to me a new novel of the full regulation size, and with intense interest
commence the first volume at the title-page. At the same instant the
last bell rang, and away started our train, whizz, bang, like a flash of
lightning through a butter-firkin. I endeavoured to catch a glimpse of
some familiar places as we passed, but the attempt was altogether
useless. Harrow-on-the-Hill, as we shot by it, seemed to be driving
pell-mell up to town, followed by Boxmoor, Tring, and AylesburyI missed
Wolverton and Weedon while taking a pinch of snufflost Rugby and
Coventry before I had done sneezing, and I had scarcely time to say,
God bless us, till I found we had reached Birmingham. Whereupon I
began to calculate the trifling progress my reading companion could have
made in his book during our rapid journey, and to devise plans for the
gratification of persons similarly situated as my fellow-traveller.
Why, thought I, should literature alone lag in the age of steam? Is
there no way by which a man could be made to swallow Scott or bolt
Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an auction bill?
Suddenly a happy thought struck me: it was to write a novel, in which
only the actual spirit of the narration should be retained, rejecting
all expletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of speech; to be
terse and abrupt in styleuse monosyllables always in preference to
polysyllablesand to eschew all heroes and heroines whose names contain
more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my returning home in the
evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had written a
novel of three neat, portable volumes; which, I assert, any lady or
gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get
through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train
running from London to Birmingham.
I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of
writing possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen,
omnibus-cads, tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may read as they
run. Fiddlers at the theatres, during the rests in a piece of music,
may also benefit by my invention; for which, if the following specimen
meet your approbation, I shall instantly apply for a patent.
SPECIMEN. CLARE GREY: A NOVEL. Brief let me be. LONDON: Printed and
Published for the Author. 1841. VOL. I. Clare GreySweet girlBloom and
blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops, &c.Tom LeeYoung, gay, but
poorLoved Clare madlyClare loved Tom dittoClares pa rich, old,
cross, cruel, &c.Smelt a ratDd Tom, and swore at ClareTears, sighs,
locks, bolts, and barsLoves schemesBillet-doux from Tom, conveyed to
Clare in a dish of peas, crammed with vows, love, despair, hopeAnswer
(pencil and curl-paper), slipped through key-holeFull of hope, despair,
love, vowsTom serenadesBad coldRather hoarseWhite kerchief from
garret-windowTis Clare! tis Clare!Garden-wall, six feet highLove
is rashScale the wallGreat house-dog at homePins Tom by the calfOld
Hunks rousedFire! thieves! guns, swords, and rushlightsTom
caughtMurder, burglaryStation-house, gaol, justiceFudge!Pretty
messHeigho!Oh! tis love, &c.Sweet Clare Grey!Seven pages of
sentimentLame leg, light purse, heavy heartPshaw!Never mind
Fellow operating a turnstile THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN
VOL. II. Adieu, my native land, &c.D.I.O.We part to meet
againDeath or gloryRed coatLaurels and rupees in viewVows of
constancy, eternal truth, &cTom swells the brine with tearsClare wipes
her eyes in cambricAlas! alack! oh! ah!Fond hearts, doomed to
partCruel fate!Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.Tom in battleCut,
slash, dashSabres, riflesRound and grape in showersHot
workCharge!WhizzBang!Flat as a FlounderNever say diePeaceSweet
soundScars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one eyeHalf-
payHomeHuzza!Swift galesPost-horsesLove, hope, and Clare Grey
A peg-legged, pirate cupid ID BE A BUTTERFLY, &c.
VOL. III. Here we are!At home once moreOld friends and old
facesMust be changedNobody knows himChurch bells ringingInquire
cause(?)WeddingClare Grey to Job Snooks, the old pawnbrokerBrain
whirlsEyes start from socketsDevils and hellClare Grey, the fond,
constant, Clare, a jilt?Cant beNo goStump up to churchToo
trueClare just made Mrs. SnooksMadness!! rage!!! death!!!!Toms
crutch at workSnooks flooredBridesman settledParson boltsClerk
mizzlesSalts and shrieksClare in a swoonPa in a funkTragedy
speechLove! vengeance! and damnation!Half an ounce of laudanumQuick
speechTom unshackles his wooden pinDies like a heroClare pines in
secretHops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslinPoor Tom and
Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath
A man sitting on a bench next to a tombstone A WEEPING WILL-OH!
LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP. We have been favoured with the following
announcement from Mr. Hood, which we recommend to the earnest attention
of our subscribers:
MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,
Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class
for the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the
pure Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six
short and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to
subjoin two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.
COPY.
The following is a specimen of my punning before taking six lessons of
Mr. T. Hood:
Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain cold with which
children are affected?
A. Because its a new pink off (an hooping-cough).
This is a specimen of my punning after taking six lessons of Mr. T.
Hood:
Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of an
injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man?
A. Because the one is for-getting and the other for-giving.
N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular,
will find Mr. T. Hoods system of incalculable service.
Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be
suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has
also a few second-hand bon mots which he can offer a bargain.
? A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.
[pg 3] A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF
CANT. There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of
Voting, it being a science which hath become exceedingly complicated. It
is necessary, therefore, to the full development of the art, that it be
brought into such an exposition, as that it may be seen in a glance what
are the modes of bribing and influencing in Elections. The briber, by
this means, will be able to arrange his polling-books according to the
different categories, and the bribed to see in what class he shall most
advantageously place himself.
It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly experienced
in this noble science, but none have yet been able so to express it as
to bring it (as we hope to have done) within the range of the certain
sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form a part of the public
education, and not be subject tot he barbarous modes pursued by
illogical though earnest and zealous disciples; and that the great and
glorious Constitution that has done so much to bring it to perfection,
will, in its turn, be sustained and matured by the exercise of what is
really in itself so ancient and beautiful a practice.
VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS 1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH;
which may be considered, 1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into
He that voteth for dead men. He that voteth for empty tenements. He that
voteth for many men. He that voteth for men in the country, and the
like. 2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into Because he hath a
bet that he will vote. Because he loveth a lark. Because he LOVETH HIS
COUNTRY. [Here also may be applied all the predicates under the subjects
BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.] 2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH
NOT; which is divisible into 1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting,
which is divisible into He who is upset by a bribed coachman. He who is
incited into an assault, that he may be put into the cage. He who is
driven by a drunken coachman many miles the wrong way. He who is
hocussed. He who is sent into the country for a holiday, and the like.
2nd. He that FORFEITETH his vote, which is divisible into He who is too
great a philosopher to care for his country. He who has not been
solicited. He who drinketh so that he cannot go to the poll. He who is
too drunk to speak at the poll. He who through over-zeal getteth his
head broken. He who stayeth to finish the bottle, and is too late, and
the like. 3rd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH; which is divisible into
1st. He that voteth INTENTIONALLY, which is divisible into 1st. He that
voteth CORRUPTLY, which is divisible into 1st. He that is BRIBED, which
is divisible into 1st. He that is bribed DIRECTLY, which is divisible
into 1st. He that receiveth MONEY, which may be considered as He that
pretendeth the money is due to him. He that pretendeth it is lent. He
who receiveth it as alms. He who receiveth it as the price of a
venerated tobacco-pipe, a piece of Irish bacon, and the like. 2nd. He
that seeketh PLACE, which may be considered as He who asketh for a high
situation, as a judgeship in Botany Bay, or a bishopric in Sierra Leone,
and the like. He who asketh for a low situation, as a ticket-porter,
curate, and the like. He who asketh for any situation he can get, as
Secretary to the Admiralty, policeman, revising barrister, turnkey,
chaplain, mail-coach guard, and the like. 3rd. He that taketh DRINK,
which may be considered as He that voteth for Walkers Gooseberry, or
Electors Sparkling Champagne. For sloe-juice, or Electors fine old
crusted Port. He who voteth for Bretts British Brandy, or Electors
real French Cognac. He who voteth for quassia, molasses, copperas,
coculus Indicus, Spanish juice, or Electors Extra Double Stout. 2nd. He
that is bribed INDIRECTLY, as He who is promised a government contract
for wax, wafers, or the like. He who getteth a contract, for paupers
clothing, building unions, and the like. He who furnisheth the
barouches-and-four for the independent 40s. freeholders. He who is
presented with cigars, snuffs, meerschaum-pipes, haunches of venison,
Stilton-cheeses, fresh pork, pine-apples, early peas, and the like. 2nd.
He that is INTIMIDATED, as By his landlord, who soliciteth back rent, or
giveth him notice to quit. By his patron, who sayeth they of the
opposite politics cannot be trusted. By his master, who sayeth he
keepeth no viper of an opposite opinion in his employ. By his wife, who
will have her own way in hysterics. By his intended bride, who talketh
of men of spirit and Gretna Green. By a rich customer, who sendeth back
his goods, and biddeth him be dd. 3rd. He that is VOLUNTARILY CORRUPT,
which may be considered as He who voteth from the hope that his party
will provide him a place. He who voteth to please one who can leave him
a legacy. He who voteth to get into genteel society. He who voteth
according as he hath taken the odds. He who, being a schoolmaster,
voteth for the candidate with a large family. He who voteth in hopes
posterity may think him a patriot. 2nd. He that voteth CONSCIENTIOUSLY,
which is divisible into 1st. He that voteth according to HUMBUG, which
is divisible into 1st. He that is POLITICALLY humbugged, which is
divisible into 1st. He has SOME BRAINS, as He who believeth taxes will
be taken off. He who believeth wages will be raised. He who thinketh
trade will be increased. He who studieth political economy. He who
readeth newspapers, reviews, and magazines, and listeneth to lectures,
and the like. 2nd. He that has NO BRAINS, as He who voteth to support
the glorious Constitution, and maintain the envy of surrounding
nations. He who believeth the less the taxation the greater the
revenue. He who attendeth the Crown and Anchor meetings, and the like.
2nd. He that is MORALLY humbugged, as He who thinketh the Millennium and
the Rads will come in together. He who thinketh that the Whigs are
patriots. That the Tories love the poor. That the member troubleth
himself solely for the good of his country. That the unions are popular
with the paupers, and the like. 3rd. He that is DOMESTICALLY humbugged,
as He who voteth because the candidates ribbons suit his wifes
complexion. Because his wife was addressed as his daughter by the
canvasser. Because his wife had the candidates carriage to make calls
in, and the like. Because his daughter was presented with a set of the
Prince Albert Quadrilles. Because the candidate promised to stand
godfather to his last infant, and the like. 2nd. He that voteth
according to PRINCIPLE, which is divisible into 1st. He whose principles
are HEREDITARY, as He who voteth on one side because his father always
voted on the same. Because the Wrong-heads and the like had always sat
for the county. Because he hath kindred with an ancient political hero,
such as Jack Cade, Hampden, the Pretender, &c., and so must maintain his
principle. Because his mother quartereth the Arms of the candidate, and
the like. 2nd. He whose principles are CONVENTIONAL, as He who voteth
because the candidate keepeth a pack of hounds. Because he was once
insulted by a scoundrel of the same name as the opposite candidate.
Because the candidate is of a noble family. Because the candidate laid
the first brick of Zion Chapel, and the like. Because he knoweth the
candidates cousin. Because the candidate directed to himEsq. 3rd. He
whose principles are PHILOSOPHICAL, which may be considered as 1st. He
that is IMPARTIAL, as He that voteth on both sides. Because he tossed up
with himself. He who loveth the majority and therefore voteth for him
who hath most votes. Because he is asked to vote one way, and so voteth
the other, to show that he is not influenced. Because he hateth the
multitude, and so voteth against the popular candidate. 2nd. He that is
INDEPENDENT, as He who cannot be trusted. He who taketh money from one
side, and voteth on the other. He who is not worth bribing. He who
voteth against his own opinion, because his letter was not answered. He
who, being promised a place last election, was deceived, and the like.
2nd. He that voteth ACCIDENTALLY, which is divisible into 1st. He that
voteth through the BLUNDERS OF HIMSELF, which may be considered as He
who is drunk, and forgetteth who gave him the bribe. He who goeth to the
wrong agent, who leadeth him astray. He who is confused and giveth the
wrong name. He who is bashful, and assenteth to any name suggested. He
who promiseth both parties, and voteth for all the candidates, and the
like. 2nd. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF OTHERS, which may be
considered as He who is mistaken for his servant when he is canvassed,
and so incensed into voting the opposite way. He who is attempted to be
bribed before many people, and so outraged into honesty. He who hath too
much court paid by the canvasser to his wife, and so, out of jealousy,
voteth for the opposite candidate. He who is called down from dinner to
be canvassed, and being enraged thereat, voteth against his conviction.
He who bringeth the fourth seat in a hackney-coach to him who keepeth a
carriage and the like. [pg 4] THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER Have any of
PUNCHS readers ever met one of the above genusor rather, have they
not? They must; for the race is imbued with the most persevering hic et
ubique powers. Like the old mole, these Truepennies work i th dark:
at the Theatres, the Opera, the Coal Hole, the Cider Cellars, and the
whole of the Grecian, Roman, British, Cambrian, Eagle, Lion, Apollo,
Domestic, Foreign, Zoological, and Mythological Saloons, they most do
congregate. Once set your eyes upon them, once become acquainted with
their habits and manners, and then mistake them if you can. They are
themselves, alone: like the London dustmen, the Nemarket jockeys, the
peripatetic venders, or buyers of old clo, or the Albert
continuations at one pound one, they appear to be made to measure for
the same. We must now describe them (to speak theatrically) with
decorations, scenes, and properties! The entirely new dresses of a
theatre are like the habiliments of the professional singer, i.e.
neither one nor the other ever were entirely new, and never will be
allowed to grow entirely old. The double-milled Saxony of these worthies
is generally very blue or very brown; the cut whereof sets a man of a
contemplative turn of mind wondering at what precise date those tails
were worn, and vainly speculating on the probabilities of their being
fearfully indigestible, as that alone could to long have kept them from
Times remorseless maw. The collars are always velvet, and always
greasy. There is a slight ostentation manifested in the seams, the
stitches whereof are so apparent as to induce the beholders to believe
they must have been the handiwork of some cherished friend, whose
labours ought not to be entombed beneath the superstructure. The
buttons!oh, for a pen of steam to write upon those buttons! They,
indeed, are the aristocracythe yellow turbans, the sun, moon, and stars
of the woollen system! They have nothing in common with the coatthey
are on it, and thats allthey have no further communionthey decline
the button-holes, and eschew all right to labour for their livingthey
announce themselves as the last new fashionthey sparkle for a week,
retire to their silver paper, make way for the new comers, and, years
after, like the Sleeping Beauty, rush to life in all their pristine
splendour, and find (save in the treble-gilt aodication and their own
accession) the coat, the immortal coat, unchanged! The waistcoat is of a
material known only to themselvesa sort of nightmare illusion of
velvet, covered with a slight tracery of refined mortar, curiously
picked out and guarded with a nondescript collection of the very
greenest green pellets of hyson-bloom gunpowder tea. The buttons (things
of use in this garment) describe the figure and proportions of a large
turbot. They consist of two rows (leaving imagination to fill up a lapse
of the absent), commencing, to all appearance, at the small of the back,
and reaching down even to the hem of the garment, which is invariably a
double-breasted one, made upon the good old dining-out principle of
leaving plenty of room in the victualling department. To complete the
catalogue of raiment, the untalkaboutables have so little right to the
name of drab, that it would cause a controversy on the point. Perhaps
nothing in life can more exquisitely illustrate the Desdemona feeling of
divided duty, than the portion of manufactured calf-skin appropriated to
the peripatetic purposes of these gentry; they are, in point of fact,
invariably that description of mud-markers known in the purlieus of
Liecester-square, and at all denominations of bootsgreat, little,
red, and yellowas eight-and-sixpenny Bluchers. But the afore-mentioned
drabs are strapped down with such pertinacity as to leave the observer
in extreme doubt whether the Prussian hero of that name is their
legitimate sponsor, or the glorious Wellington of our own sea-girt isle.
Indeed, it has been rumoured that (as there never was a pair of either
of the illustrious heroes) these gentlemen, for the sake of consistency,
invariably perambulate in one of each. We scarcely know whether it be so
or notwe merely relate what we have heard; but we incline to the two
Bluchers, because of the eight-and-six. The only additional expense
likely to add any emolument to the tanners interest (we mean no pun) is
the immense extent of sixpenny straps generally worn. These are
described by a friend of ours as belonging to the great class of
coaxers; and their exertions in bringing (as a nautical man would say)
the trowsers to bear at all, is worthy of notice. There is a legend
extant (a veritable legend, which emanated from one of the fraternity
who had been engaged three weeks at her Majestys theatre, as one of
twenty in an unknown chorus, the chief peculiarity of the affair being
the close approximation of some of his principal foreign words to Tol
de rol, and Fal the ral ra), in which it was asserted, that from a
violent quarrel with a person in the grass-bleached line, the body
corporate determined to avoid any unnecessary use of that commodity. In
the way of wristbands, the malice of the above void is beautifully
nullified, inasmuch as the most prosperous linen-draper could never wish
to have less linen on hand. As we are describing the genus in black and
white, we may as well state at once, those are the colours generally
casing the throats from whence their sweet sounds issue; these ties are
garnished with union pins, whose strong mosaic tendency would, in the
Catholic days of Spain (had they been residents), have consigned them to
the lowest dungeons of the Inquisition, and favoured them with an exit
from this breathing world, amid all the uncomfortable pomp of an auto-
da-fe.
It is a fact on record, that no one of the body ever had a cold in his
head; and this peculiarity, we presume, exempts them from carrying
pocket-handkerchiefs, a superfluity we never witnessed in their hands,
though they indulge in snuff-boxes which assume the miniture form of
French plum-cases, richly embossed, with something round the edges about
as much in proportion to the box as eighteen insides are to a small tax-
cart. This testimonial is generally (as the engraved inscription
purports) given by several gentlemen (who are, unfortunately, in these
instances, always anonymouswhich circumstance, as they are invariably
described as admirers of talent, is much to be regretted, and, we
trust, will soon be rectified). We believe, like the immortal Jack
Falstaff, they were each born at four oclock of the morning, with a
bald head, and something of a round belly; certain it is, they are
universally thin in the hair, and exhibit strong manifestation of
obesity.
The further marks of identity consist in a ring very variously chased,
and the infallible insignia of a tuning-fork: without this no
professional singer does or can exist. The thing has been tried, and
found a failure. Its uses are remarkable and various: like the deaths-
head and cross-bones of the pirates, or the wand, globe, and beard of
the conjuror, it is their sure and unvarying sign. We have in our minds
eye one of the species even nowwe see him coquetting with the fork,
compressing it with gentle fondness, and then (that all senses may be
called into requisition) resting it against his eye-tooth to catch the
proper tone. Should this be the prelude to his own professional
performance, we see it returned, with a look of profound wisdom, to the
right-hand depository of the nondescript and imaginary velvet double-
breasterwe follow his eyes, till, with peculiar fascination, they fix
upon the far-off cornice of the most distant corner of the smoke-embued
apartmentwe perceive the extension of the dexter hand employed in
innocent dalliance with the well-sucked peel of a quarter of an orange,
whilst the left is employed with the links of what would be a watch-
guard, if the professional singer had a watch. We hear the three
distinct hemsoblivion for a moment seizes usthe glasses jingletwo
auctioneers hammers astonish the mahoganyseveral dirty hands are
brought in violent and noisy contactwe are near a friend of the
vocalistour glass of gin-and-water (literally warm without) empties
itself over our lower extremities, instigated thereto by the gymnastic
performances of the said zealous friendand with an exclamation that,
were Mawworn present, would cost us a shilling, we find the professional
singer has concluded, and is half stooping to the applause, and half
lifting his diligently-stirred grog, gulping down the creature comfort
with infinite satisfaction.
There goes the hammer again! (Rubins has a sinecure compared to that
fat man). A glee, gents!a glee!Ah! there they arethree coatsthree
collarsHeaven knows how many buttons!three bald heads, three stout
stomachs, three mouths, stuffed with three tuning-forks, nodding and
conferring with a degree of mystery worthy of three Guy Faux.What is
the subject?
Hail smilig born.
Thats a good guess! By the way, the vulgar notion of singing ensemble
is totally exploded by these gentryeach professional singer, as a
professional singer, sings his very loudest, in justice to himself; if
his brethren want physical power, thats no fault of his, he dont.
Professional singers indulge in small portions of classic lore: among
the necessary acquirements is, Non nobis, &c. &c.; that is, they
consider they ought to know the airs. The words are generally delivered
as follows:Dondobisdobyde. A clear enunciation is not much
cultivated among the clever in this line.
In addition to the few particulars above, it may be as well to mention,
they treat all tavern-waiters with great respect, which is more
Christian-like, as the said waiters never return the samesit anywhere,
just to accommodateeat everything, to prove they have no squeamish
partialitiesknow to a toothful what a bottom of brandy should bethe
exact quantity they may drink, free gratis, and the most likely victim
to drop upon for any further nourishment they may require. Their
acquirements in the musical world are rendered clear, by the important
information that Harry Phillips knows what hes aboutWeber was up to
a thing or two. A baritone aint the sort of thing for tenor music: and
when they sung with some man (nobody ever heard of), they showed him the
difference, and wouldnt mindA cigar? Thank you, sir!seldom
smokeput it in my pocket(aside) that makes a dozen! Your good health,
sir!dont dislike cold, though I generally take it warmdidnt mean
that as a hint, but, since you have ordered it, Ill give you a
toastHeresTHE PROFESSIONAL SINGER!
FUSBOS.
AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC. ??S ?? ???? ?????. Bards of old have sung the
vine
Such a theme shall neer be mine;
Weaker strains to me belong,
Pæans sung to thee, Souchong!
What though I may never sip
Rubies from my tea-cups lip;
Do not milky pearls combine
In this steaming cup of mine?
What though round my youthful brow
I neer twine the myrtles bough?
For such wreaths my soul neer grieves.
Whilst I own my Twankays leaves.
Though for me no altar burns,
Kettles boil and bubbleurns
In each fane, where I adore
What should mortal ask for more!
I for Pidding, Bacchus fly,
Howqua shall my cup supply;
Ill neer ask for amphoræ,
Whilst my tea-pot yields me tea.
Then, perchance, above my grave,
Blooming Hyson sprigs may wave;
And some stately sugar-cane,
There may spring to life again:
Bright-eyed maidens then may meet,
To quaff the herb and suck the sweet.
[pg 5] A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO HACKNEY-COACH HORSES. KINDLY
COMMUNICATED BY OUR DOG TOBY. DEAR SIR,I was a-sitting the other
evening at the door of my kennel, thinking of the dog-days and smoking
my pipe (blessings on you, master, for teaching me that art!), when one
of your prospectuses was put into my paw by a spaniel that lives as pet-
dog in a noblemans family. Lawk, sir! what misfortunes can have
befallen you, that you are obleeged to turn author?
I remember the poor devil as used to supply us with dialectwhat a face
he had! It was like a mouth-organ turned edgeways; and he looked as
hollow as the big drum, but warnt half so round and noisy. You cant
have dwindled down to that, surely! I couldnt bear to see your hump and
pars pendula (thats dog Latin) shrunk up like dried almonds, and
titivated out in msty-fusty toggeryIm sure I couldnt! The very
thought of it is like a pound weight at the end of my tail.
I whined like any thing, calling to my missusfor you must know that
Ive married as handsome a Scotch terrier as you ever see. Vixen, says
I, heres the poor old governor up at lastI knew that Police Act would
drive him to something desperate.
Why he hasnt hung himself in earnest, and summoned you on his
inquest! exclaimed Mrs. T.
Worse nor that, says I; hes turned author, and in course is stewed
up in some wery elevated apartment during this blessed season of the
year, when all nature is wagging with delight, and the fairs is on, and
the police dont want nothing to do to warm em, and consequentially
sees no harm in a muster of infantry in bye-streets. Its very hawful.
Vixen sighed and scratched her ear with her right leg, so I knowd shed
something in her head, for she always does that when anything tickles
her. Toby, says she, go and see the old gentleman; perhaps it might
comfort him to larrup you a little.
Very well, says I, Ill be off at once; so put me by a bone or two
for supper, should any come out while Im gone; and if you can get the
puppies to sleep before I return, I shall be so much obleeged to you.
Saying which, I toddled off for Wellington-street. I had just got to the
coach-stand at Hyde Park Corner, when who should I see labelled as a
waterman but the one-eyed chap we once had as a orchestrahe as could
only play Jim Crow and the Soldier Tired. Thinks I, I may as well
pass the compliment of the day with him; so I creeps under the hackney-
coach he was standing alongside on, intending to surprise him; but just
as I was about to pop out he ran off the stand to un-nosebag a cab-
horse. Whilst I was waiting for him to come back, I hears the off-side
horse in the wehicle make the following remark:
OFF-SIDE HORSE(twisting his tail about like anything)Curse the flies!
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.You may say that. Ive had one fellow tickling me this
half-hour.
OFF-SIDE HORSE.Ours is a horrid profession! Phew! the sun actually
penetrates my vertebra.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Werterbee! Whats that?
OFF-SIDE HORSE(impatiently).The spine, my friend (whish! whish!)
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Ah! it is a shameful thing to dock us as they does. If
the marrow in ones backbone should melt, it would be sartin to run out
at the tip of ones tail. I say, hows your feed?
OFF-SIDE HORSE.Very indifferentthe chaff predominates(munch) not bene
by any means.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Beany! Lord bless your ignorance! I should be satisfied
if theyd only make it oaty now and then. How long have you been in the
hackney line?
OFF-SIDE HORSE.I have occupied my present degraded position about two
years. Little thought my poor mama, when I was foaled, that I should
ever come to this.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Ah! it aint very respectable, is it?especially since
the cabs and busses have druv over our heads. What was you put to?you
look as if you had been well brought up.
OFF-SIDE HORSE.My mama was own sister to Lottery, but unfortunately
married a horse much below her in pedigree. I was the produce of that
union. At five years old I entered the army under Ensign Dashard.
NEAR-SIDE HORSEBless me, how odd! I was bought at Horncastle, to serve
in the dragoons; but the wetternary man found out Id a splint, and
wouldnt have me! I say, aint that stout woman with a fat family
looking at us?
OFF-SIDE HORSE.Im afraid she is. People of her grade in society are
always partial to a dilatory shillingworth.
NEAR-SIDE HORSEAy, and always lives up Snow-hill, or Ludgate-hill, or
Mutton-hill, or a hill somewhere.
WOMAN.Coach!
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Shes ahailing us! I wonder whether shes narvous? Ill
let out with my hind leg a bit(kick)O Lord! the rheumatiz!
OFF-SIDE HORSE.Pray dont. I abjure subterfuges; they are unworthy of a
thoroughbred.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Thoroughbred? I like that! Havent you just
acknowledged that you were a cocktail? Thank God! shes moving on.
Hallo! theres old Readypenny!a willanous Tory.
OFF-SIDE HORSE.I beg to remark that my principles are Conservative.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.And I beg to remark that mine isnt. I sarved
Readypenny out at Westminster lection the other day. He got into our
coach to go to the poll, and I wouldnt draw an inch. I warnt agoing to
take up a plumper for Rous.
OFF-SIDE HORSE.I declare the obese female returns.
WOMAN.Coach! Hallo! Coach!
WATERMAN.Here you is, maam. Kuck! kuck! kuck!Come along!(Pulling the
coach and horses).
OFF-SIDE HORSE.O heavens! I am too stiff to move, and this brute will
pull my head off.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Keep it on one side, and you spiles his purchase.
WATERMANCome up, you old brute!
OFF-SIDE HORSE.Old brute! What evidence of a low mind![The stout woman
and fat family ascend the steps of the coach].
COACH.O law! oh, law! Week! week! O law!O law! Week! week!
NEAR-SIDE HORSEDo you hear how the poor old things a sufferin?She
must feel it a good deal to have her squabs sat on by everybody as can
pay for her. She was built by Pearce, of Long-acre, for the Duchess of
Dorsetshire. I wonder her perch dont breakshe has been crazy a long
time.
WATERMAN.Snow-hillopposite the Saracens Head.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.I knowd it!
COACHMAN.Kuck! kuck!
WHIP.Whack! whack!
OFF-SIDE HORSE.Pull away, my dear fellow; a little extra exertion may
save us from flagellation.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Well, Im pulling, aint I?
OFF-SIDE HORSE.I dont like to dispute your word; but(whack)Oh! that
was an abrasion on my shoulder.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.A raw you mean. Whos not pulling now, I should like to
know!
OFF-SIDE HORSE.I couldnt help hopping then; you know what a grease I
have in my hind leg.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Well, havent I a splint and a corn, and aint one of
my fore fetlocks got a formoses, and my hind legs the stringhalt?
WOMAN.Stop! stop!
COACHMAN.Whoo up!dn you!
OFF-SIDE HORSE.There goes my last masticator!
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.And Im blowd if he hasnt jerked my head so that hes
given me a crick in the neck; but never mind; if she does get out here,
we shall save the hill.
WOMAN.Three doors higher up.
COACHMAN.Chuck! chuck!
WHIP.Whack! whack!
COACHMAN.Come up, you varmint!
OFF-SIDE HORSEVarmint! and to me! the nephew of the great Lottery! O
Pegasus! what shall I come to next!
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Alamode beef, may be, or perhaps pork sassages!
The old woman was so long in that house where she stopped, that I was
obleeged to toddle home, for my wife has a rather unpleasant way of
taking me by the scruff of my neck if I aint pretty regular in my
hours.
Yours, werry obediently, TOBY.
COURT CIRCULAR. Communicated exclusively to this Journal by MASTER
JONES, whose services we have succeeded in retaining, though opposed by
the enlightened manager of a metropolitan theatre, whose anxiety to
advance the interest of the drama is only equalled by his ignorance of
the means.
Since the dissolution of Parliament, Lord Melbourne has confined himself
entirely to stews.
Stalls have been fitted up in the Royal nursery for the reception of two
Alderney cows, preparatory to the weaning of the infant Princess; which
delicate duty Mrs. Lilly commences on Monday next.
Sir Robert Peel has been seen several times this week in close
consultation with the chief cook. Has he been offered the premiership?
Mr. Moreton Dyer, the amateur turner, has been a frequent visitor at
the palace of late. Palmerston, it is whispered, has been receiving
lessons in the art. We are surprised to hear this, for we always
considered his lordship a Talleyrand in turning.
A QUARTER-DAY COGITATION. (WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF A NOTED TAILORS
BILL.) By winters chill the fragrant flower is nippd,
To be new-clothed with brighter tints in spring;
The blasted tree of verdant leaves is strippd,
A fresher foliage on each branch to bring;
The aërial songster moults his plumerie,
To vie in sleekness with each featherd brother:
A twelvemonths wear hath taen thy nap from thee,
My seedy coat!When shall I get another?
NOTE.Confiding tailors are entreated to send their addresses, pre-paid,
to PUNCHS office.
P.S.None need apply who refuse three years acceptances. If the bills
be made renewable, by agreement, continuations will be taken in any
quantity.FITZROY FIPS.
[pg 6] STREET POLITICS. A DRAMATIC DIALOGUE BETWEEN PUNCH AND HIS STAGE
MANAGER. (Enter PUNCH.)
PUNCH.R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit?
(Sings.)
Wheel about and turn about,
And do jes so;
Ebery time I turn about,
I jump Jim Crow.
MANAGER.Hollo, Mr. Punch! your voice is rather husky to-day.
PUNCH.Yes, yes; Ive been making myself as hoarse as a hog, bawling to
the free and independent electors of Grogswill all the morning. They
have done me the honour to elect me as their representative in
Parliament. Im an M.P. now.
MANAGER.An M.P.! Gammon, Mr. Punch.
THE DOG TOBY.Bow, wow, wow, wough, wough!
PUNCH.Fact, upon my honour. Im at this moment an unit in the
collective stupidity of the nation.
DOG TOBY.R-r-r-r-r-rwoughwough!
PUNCH.Kick that dog, somebody. Hang the cur, did he never see a
legislator before, that he barks at me so?
MANAGER.A legislator, Mr. Punch? with that wooden head of yours! Ho!
ho! ho! ho!
PUNCH.My dear sir, I can assure you that wood is the material generally
used in the manufacture of political puppets. There will be more
blockheads than mine in St. Stephens, I can tell you. And as for
oratory, why I flatter my whiskers Ill astonish them in that line.
MANAGER.But on what principles did you get into Parliament, Mr. Punch?
PUNCH.Id have you know, sir, Im above having any principles but those
that put money in my pocket.
MANAGER.I mean on what interest did you start?
PUNCH.On self-interest, sir. The only great, patriotic, and noble
feeling that a public man can entertain.
MANAGER.Pardon me, Mr. Punch; I wish to know whether you have come in
as a Whig or a Tory?
PUNCH.As a Tory, decidedly, sir. I despise the base, rascally, paltry,
beggarly, contemptible Whigs. I detest their policy, and
THE DOG TOBY.Bow, wow, wough, wough!
MANAGER.Hollo! Mr. Punch, what are you saying? I understood you were
always a staunch Whig, and a supporter of the present Government.
PUNCH.So I was, sir. I supported the Whigs as long as they supported
themselves; but now that the old house is coming down about their ears,
I turn my back on them in virtuous indignation, and take my seat in the
opposition bus.
MANAGER.-But where is your patriotism, Mr. Punch?
PUNCH.Where every politicians is, sirin my breeches pocket.
MANAGER.And your consistency, Mr. Punch?
PUNCH.What a green chap you are, after all. A public mans consistency!
Its only a popular delusion, sir. Ill tell you whats consistency,
sir. When one gentlemans in and wont come out, and when another
gentlemans out and cant get in, and when both gentlemen persevere in
their determinationthats consistency.
MANAGER.I understand; but still I think it is the duty of every public
man to
PUNCH.(sings)
Wheel about and turn about, And do jes so; Ebery time he turn about, He
jumps Jim Crow.
MANAGER.Then it is your opinion that the prospects of the Whigs are not
very flattering?
PUNCH.Tis all up with them, as the young lady remarked when Mr. Green
and his friends left Wauxhall in the balloon; they havent a chance. The
election returns are against them everywhere. England deserts
themIreland fails themScotland alone sticks with national attachment
to their backs, like a
THE DOG TOBY.Bow, wow, wow, wough!
MANAGER.Of course, then, the Tories will take office?
PUNCH.I rayther suspect they will. Have they not been licking their
chops for ten years outside the Treasury door, while the sneaking Whigs
were helping themselves to all the fat tit-bits within? Have they not
growled and snarled all the while, and proved by their barking that they
were the fittest guardians of the country? Have they not wept over the
decay of our ancient and venerable constitution? And have they not
promised and vowed, the moment they got into office, that they
wouldSend round the hat.
MANAGER.Very good, Mr. Punch; but I should like to know what the Tories
mean to do about the corn-laws? Will they give the people cheap food?
PUNCH.No, but theyll give them cheap drink. Theyll throw open the
Thames for the use of the temperance societies.
MANAGER.But if we dont have cheap corn, our trade must be destroyed,
our factories will be closed, and our mills left idle.
PUNCH.There youre wrong. Our tread-mills will be in constant work;
and, though our factories should be empty, our prisons will be quite
full.
MANAGER.Thats all very well, Mr. Punch; but the people will grumble a
leetle if you starve them.
PUNCH.Ay, hang them, so they will; the populace have no idea of being
grateful for benefits. Talk of starvation! Pooh!Ive studied political
economy in a workhouse, and I know what it means. Theyve got a fine
plan in those workhouses for feeding the poor devils. They do it on the
homoeopathic system, by administering to them oatmeal porridge in
infinitessimal doses; but some of the paupers have such proud stomachs
that they object to the diet, and actually die through spite and
villany. Oh! tis a dreadful world for ingratitude! But never mindSend
round the hat.
MANAGER.What is the meaning of the sliding scale, Mr. Punch?
PUNCH.It meanswhen a man has got nothing for breakfast, he may slide
his breakfast into his lunch; then, if he has got nothing for lunch, he
may slide that into his dinner; and if he labours under the same
difficulties with respect to the dinner, he may slide all three meals
into his supper.
MANAGER.But if the man has got no supper?
PUNCH.Then let him wish he may get it.
MANAGER.Oh! thats your sliding scale?
PUNCH.Yes; and a very ingenious invention it is for the suppression of
victuals. R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit! Send round the hat.
MANAGER.At this rate, Mr. Punch, I suppose you would not be favourable
to free trade?
PUNCH.Certainly not, sir. Free trade is one of your new-fangled notions
that mean nothing but free plunder. Ill illustrate my position. Im a
boy in a school, with a bag of apples, which, being the only apples on
my form, I naturally sell at a penny a-piece, and so look forward to
pulling in a considerable quantity of browns, when a boy from another
form, with a bigger bag of apples, comes and sells his at three for a
penny, which, of course, knocks up my trade.
MANAGER.But it benefits the community, Mr. Punch.
PUNCH.Dn the community! I know of no community but PUNCH and Co. Im
for centralizationand individualizationevery man for himself, and
PUNCH for us all! Only let me catch any rascal bringing his apples to my
form, and see how Ill cobb him. So nowsend round the hatand three
cheers for
PUNCHS POLITICS. SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. No. 1. O Reveal, thou fay-
like stranger,
Why this lonely path you seek;
Every step is fraught with danger
Unto one so fair and meek.
Where are they that should protect thee
In this darkling hour of doubt?
Love could never thus neglect thee!
Does your mother know youre out?
Why so pensive, Peri-maiden?
Pearly tears bedim thine eyes!
Sure thine heart is overladen,
When each breath is fraught with sighs.
Say, hath care lifes heaven clouded,
Which hopes stars were wont to spangle?
What hath all thy gladness shrouded?
Has your mother sold her mangle?
A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE. We are requested to state, by the Marquis of W,
that, for the convenience of the public, he has put down one of his
carriages, and given orders to Pearce, of Long-acre, for the
construction of an easy and elegant stretcher.
[pg 7] CANDIDATES UNDER DIFFERENT PHASES A series of vignettes with
candidates: CANVASSING. What a love of a child THE DEPUTATION. If you
think me worthy THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals THE
HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment
of my life CANVASSING. What a love of a child THE DEPUTATION. If you
think me worthy THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals THE
HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment
of my life
[pg 9] FINE ARTS. PUNCH begs most solemnly to assure his friends and the
artists in general, that should the violent cold with which he has been
from time immemorial afflicted, and which, although it has caused his
voice to appear like an infant Lablache screaming through horse-hair and
thistles, yet has not very materially affected him otherwiseshould it
not deprive him of existenceplease Gog and Magog, he will, next season,
visit every exhibition of modern art as soon as the pictures are hung;
and further, that he will most unequivocally be down with his coup de
baton upon every unfortunate nob requiring his peculiar attention.
That he independently rejects the principles upon which these matters
are generally conducted, he trusts this will be taken as an assurance:
should the handsomest likeness-taker gratuitously offer to paint PUNCHS
portrait in any of the most favourite and fashionable styles, from the
purest production of the general mourning schooland all performed by
scissarsto the exquisitely gay works of the President of the Royal
Academy, even though his Presidentship offer to do the nose with real
carmine, and throw Judy and the little one into the back-ground, PUNCH
would not give him a single eulogistic syllable unmerited. A word to the
landscape and other perpetrators: none of your little bits for
PUNCHnone of your insinuating cabinet gemsno Art-ful Union system of
doing thingsHopkins to praise for one reason, Popkins to censure for
anotherand as PUNCH has been poking his nose into numberless unseen
corners, and, notwithstanding its indisputable dimensions, has managed
to screen it from observation, he has thereby smelt out several pretty
little affairs, which shall in due time be exhibited and explained in
front of his proscenium, for special amusement. In the mean time, to
prove that PUNCH is tolerably well up in this line of pseudo-criticism,
he has prepared the following description of the private view of either
the Royal Academy or the Suffolk-street Gallery, or the British
Institution, for 1842, for the lovers of this very light style of
reading; and to make it as truly applicable to the various specimens of
art forming the collection or collections alluded to, he has done it
after the peculiar manner practised by the talented conductor of a
journal purporting to be exclusively set apart to that effort. To
illustrate with what strict attention to the nature of the subject
chosen, and what an intimate knowledge of technicalities the writer
above alluded to displays, and with what consummate skill he blends
those peculiarities, the reader will have the kindness to attach the
criticism to either of the works (hereunder catalogued) most agreeably
to his fancy. It will be, moreover, shown that this is a thoroughly
impartial way of performing the operation of soft anointment.
THE UNERRING FOR PORTRAITS ONLY: Portrait of the miscreant who attempted
to assassinate Mr. Macreath. The head is extremely well painted, and the
light and shade distributed with the artist's usual judgement. VALENTINE
VERMILION. Portrait of His Majesty the King of Hanover. BY THE SAME.
Portrait of the boy who got into Buckingham Palace. GEOFFERY GLAZEM. OR
THUS: Portrait of Lord John Russell. An admirable likeness of the
original, and executed with that breadth and clearness so apparent in
this clever painter's works. BY THE SAME. Portrait of W. Grumbletone,
Esq., in the character of Joseph Surface. PETER PALETTE. Portrait of Sir
Robert Peel BY THE SAME. OR THUS: Portrait of the Empress of Russia. A
well-drawn and brilliantly painted portrait, calculated to sustain the
fame already gained by this our favourite painter. VANDYKE BROWN.
Portrait of the infant Princess. BY THE SAME. Portrait of Mary
Mumblegums, aged 170 years. BY THE SAME. THE UNERRING FOR EVERY SUBJECT:
The Death of Abel. This picture is well arranged and coloured with much
truth to nature; the chiaro-scuro is admirably managed. MICHAEL McGUELP.
Dead Game. THOMAS TICKLEPENCIL. Vesuvius in Eruption. CHARLES CARMINE,
R.A. Portraits of Mrs. Punch and Child. R.W. BUSS. Cattle returning from
the Watering Place. R. BOLLOCK. OR THUS: "We won't go home till
Morning." M. WATERFORD, R.H.S. This is one of the cleverest productions
in the Exhibition; there is a transparency in the shadows equal to
Rembrandt. The infant Cupid sleeping. R. DADD. Portrait of Lord
Palmerston. A.L.L. UPTON. Coast Scene: Smugglers on the look out. H.
PARKER. Portrait of Captain Rous, M.P. J. WOOD. Should the friends of
any of the artists deem the praise a little too oily, they can easily
add such a tag as the following:In our humble judgment, a little more
delicacy of handling would not be altogether out of place; or,
Beautiful as the work under notice decidedly is, we recollect to have
received perhaps as much gratification in viewing previous productions
by the same.
FOR THE HALF CONDEMNED: This artist is, we much fear, on the decline; we
no longer see the vigour of handling and smartness of conception
formerly apparent in his works: or, A little stricter attention to
drawing, as well as composition, would render this artists works more
recommendatory.
THE TOTALLY CONDEMNED: Either of the following, taken conjointly or
separately: A perfect daub, possessing not one single quality necessary
to create even the slightest interesta disgrace to the Exhibitionwho
allowed such a wretched production to disgrace these walls?woefully out
of drawing, and as badly coloured, and such like.
A COMMENTARY ON THE ELECTIONS. BY THE BEADLE OF SOMERSET HOUSE. Well,
lawks-a-day! things seem going on uncommon queer,
For they say that the Tories are bowling out the Whigs almost
everywhere;
And the blazing red of my beadles coat is turning to pink through fear,
Lest I should find myself and staff out of Office some time about the
end of the year.
Ive done nothing so long but stand under the magnificent portico
Of Somerset House, that I dont know what I should do if I was for to
go!
What the electors are at, I cant make out, upon my soul,
For its a law of natur that the whig should be atop of the poll.
Ive had a snug berth of it here for some time, and dont want to cut
the connexion;
But they do say the Whigs must go out, because theyve NO OTHER
ELECTION;
What they mean by that, I dont know, for aint they been
electioneering
That is, theyve been canvassing, and spouting, and pledging, and
ginning, and beering.
Hasnt Crawford and Pattison, Lyall, Masterman, Wood, and Lord John
Russell,
For ever so long been keeping the Great Metropolis in one alarming
bussel?
Aint the two first retired into private life(thats the genteel for
being rejected)?
And whats more, the last four, strange to say, have all been elected.
Then Finsbury Tom and Mr. Wakley, as wears his hair all over his coat
collar,
Havnt they frightened Mr. Tooke, who once said he could beat them
Hollar?
Then at Lambeth, aint Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Cabbell been both on em
bottled
By Mr. DEyncourt and Mr. Hawes, who makes soap yellow and mottled!
And hasnt Sir Benjamin Hall, and the gallant Commodore Napier,
Made such a cabal with Cabbell and Hamilton as would make any chap
queer?
Whilst Sankey, who was backed by a Cleave-r for Marrowbone looks cranky,
Acos the electors, like lisping babbies, cried out No Sankee?
Then Southark has sent Alderman Humphrey and Mr. B. Wood,
Who has promised, that if ever a member of parliament did his dutyhe
would!
Then for the Tower Hamlets, Robinson, Hutchinson, and Thompson, find
that theyre in the wrong box,
For the electors, though turned to Clay, still gallantly followed the
Fox;
Whilst Westminsters chosen Rousnot Rouse of the Eagletho I once seed
a
Picture where there was a great big bird, very like a goose, along with
a Leda.
And hasnt Sir Robert Peel and Mr. ACourt been down to Tamworth to be
reseated?
They ought to get an act of parliament to save them such fatigue, for
its alwaysditto repeated.
Whilst at Leeds, Beckett and Aldam have put Lord Jocelyn into a
considerable fume,
Who finds it no go, though hes added up the poll-books several times
with the calculating boy, Joe Hume.
So if theres been no other election, I should like to find out
What all the late squibbing and fibbing, placarding, and blackguarding,
losing and winning, beering and ginning, and every other et cetera, has
been about!
TO THE BLACK-BALLED OF THE UNITED SERVICE. Black bottles at Brighton,
To darken your fame;
Black Sundays at Hounslow,
To add to your shame.
Black balls at the club,
Show Lord Hills growing duller:
He should change your command
To the guards of that colour.
[pg 10] ON THE INTRODUCTION OF PANTOMIME INTO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. A
man thumbing his nose Englishit has been remarked a thousand and odd
timesis one of the few languages which is unaccompanied with
gesticulation. Your veritable Englishman, in his discourse, is as chary
as your genuine Frenchman is prodigal, of action. The one speaks like an
oracle, the other like a telegraph.
Mr. Brown narrates the death of a poor widower from starvation, with his
hands fast locked in his breeches pocket, and his features as calm as a
horse-pond. M. le Brun tells of the debut of the new danseuse, with
several kisses on the tips of his fingers, a variety of taps on the left
side of his satin waistcoat, and his head engulfed between his two
shoulders, like a cock-boat in a trough of the sea.
The cause of this natural diversity is not very apparent. The deficiency
of gesture on our parts may be a necessary result of that prudence which
is so marked a feature of the English character. Mr. Brown, perhaps,
objects to using two means to attain his end when one is sufficient, and
consequently looks upon all gesticulation during conversation as a
wicked waste of physical labour, which that most sublime and congenial
science of Pol. Econ. has shown him to be the source of all wealth. To
indulge in pantomime is, therefore, in his eyes, the same as throwing so
much money in the dirta crime which he regards as second in depravity
only to that of having none to throw. Napoleon said, many years back, we
were a nation of shopkeepers; and time seems to have increased, rather
than diminished, our devotion to the ledger. Gold has become our sole
standard of excellence. We measure a mans respectability by his
bankers account, and mete out to the pauper the same punishment as the
felon. Our very nobility is a nobility of the breeches pocket; and the
highest personage in the realmher most gracious Majestythe most
gracious Majesty of 500,000l. per annum! Nor is this to be wondered at.
To a martial people like the Romans, it was perfectly natural that
animal courage should be thought to constitute heroic virtue: to a
commercial people like ourselves, it is equally natural that a mans
worthiness should be computed by what he is worth. We fear it is this
commercial spirit, which, for the reason before assigned, is opposed to
the introduction of pantomime among us; and it is therefore to this
spirit that we would appeal, in our endeavours to supply a deficiency
which we cannot but look upon as a national misfortune and disgrace. It
makes us appear as a cold-blooded race of people, which we assuredly are
not; for, after all our wants are satisfied, what nation can make such
heroic sacrifices for the benefit of their fellow creatures as our own?
A change, however, is coming over us: a few pantomimic signs have
already made their appearance amongst us. It is true that they are at
present chiefly confined to that class upon whose manners politeness
places little or no restraintbarbarians, who act as nature, rather than
as the book of etiquette dictates, (and among whom, for that very
reason, such a change would naturally first begin to show itself:) yet
do we trust, by pointing out to the more refined portion of the British
public, the advantage that must necessarily accrue from the general
cultivation of the art of pantomime, by proving to them its vast
superiority over the comparatively tedious operations of speech, and
exhibiting its capacity of conveying a far greater quantity of thought
in a considerably less space of time, and that with a saving of one-half
the muscular exertiona point so perfectly consonant with the present
prevailing desire for cheap and rapid communicationthat we say we hope
to be able not only to bring the higher classes to look upon it no
longer as a vulgar and extravagant mode of expression, but actually to
introduce and cherish it among them as the most polite and useful of all
accomplishments.
A man winking But in order to exhibit the capacities of this noble art
in all their comprehensive excellence, it is requisite that we should,
in the first place, say a few words on language in general.
It is commonly supposed that there are but two kinds of language among
menthe written and the spoken: whereas it follows, from the very nature
of language itself, that there must necessarily be as many modes of
conveying our impressions to our fellow-creatures, as there are senses
or modes of receiving impressions in them. Accordingly, there are five
senses and five languages; to wit, the audible, the visible, the
olfactory, the gustatory, and the sensitive. To the two first belong
speech and literature. As illustrations of the third, or olfactory
language, may be cited the presentation of a pinch of Princes Mixture
to a stranger, or a bottle of Bouquet du Roi to a fair acquaintance;
both of which are but forms of expressing to them nasally our respect.
The nose, however, is an organ but little cultivated in man, and the
language which appeals to it is, therefore, in a very imperfect state;
not so the gustatory, or that which addresses itself to the palate.
This, indeed, may be said to be imbibed with our mothers milk. What
words can speak affection to the child like elecampanewhat language
assures us of the remembrance of an absent friend like a brace of wood-
cocks? Then who does not comprehend the eloquence of dinners? A rump
steak, and bottle of old port, are not these to all guests the very
emblems of esteemand turtle, venison, and champagne, the unmistakeable
types of respect? If the citizens of a particular town be desirous of
expressing their profound admiration of the genius of a popular author,
how can the sentiment be conveyed so fitly as in a public dinner? or if
a candidate be anxious to convince the free and independent electors
of a certain borough of his disinterested regard for the commonweal,
what more persuasive language could he adopt than the general
distribution of unlimited beer? Of the sensitive, or fifth and last
species of language, innumerable instances might be quoted. All
understand the difference in meaning between cuffs and caressesbetween
being shaken heartily by the hand and kicked rapidly down stairs. Who,
however ignorant, could look upon the latter as a compliment? or what
fair maiden, however simple, would require a master to teach her how to
construe a gentle compression of her fingers at parting, or a tender
pressure of her toe under the dinner table?
Such is an imperfect sketch of the five languages appertaining to man.
There is, however, one otherthat which forms the subject of the present
articlePantomime, and which may be considered as the natural form of
the visible languageliterature being taken as the artificial. This is
the most primitive as well as most comprehensive, of all. It is the
earliest, as it is the most intuitivethe smiles and frowns of the
mother being the first signs understood by the infant. Indeed, if we
consider for a moment that all existence is but a Pantomime, of which
Time is the harlequin, changing to-day into yesterday, summer into
winter, youth into old age, and life into death, and we but the clowns
who bear the kicks and buffets of the scene, we cannot fail to desire
the general cultivation of an art which constitutes the very essence of
existence itself. Speech, says Talleyrand, that profound political
pantomimist, was given to conceal our thoughts; and truly this is the
chief use to which it is applied. We are continually clamouring for acts
in lieu of words. Let but the art of Pantomime become universal, and
this grand desideratum must be obtained. Then we shall find that
candidates, instead of being able, as now, to become legislators by
simply professing to be patriots, will be placed in the awkward
predicament of having first to act as such; and that the clergy, in lieu
of taking a tenth part of the produce for the mere preaching of
Christianity, will be obliged to sacrifice at least a portion to
charitable purposes, and practise it.
Indeed, we are thoroughly convinced, that when the manifold advantages
of this beautiful art shall be generally known, it cannot fail of
becoming the principle of universal communication. Nor do we despair of
ultimately finding the elegant Lord A. avowing his love for the
beautiful Miss B., by gently closing one of his eyes, and the fair lady
tenderly expressing that doubt and incredulity which are the invariable
concomitants of Loves young dream, by a gentle indication with the
dexter hand over the sinister shoulder.
A man laying a finger aside of his nose, and another with a thumbs-up AN
ALLIGATOR CHAIRMAN. An action was recently brought in the Court of
Queens Bench against Mr. Walter, to recover a sum of money expended by
a person named Clark, in wine, spirits, malt liquors, and other
refreshments, during a contest for the representation of the borough of
Southwark. One of the witnesses, who it appears was chairman of Mr.
Walters committee, swore that every thing the committee had to eat or
drink went through him. By a remarkable coincidence, the counsel for the
plaintiff in this tippling case was Mr. Lush.
[pg 11] AN ODE. PICKED UP IN KILLPACKS DIVAN. Cum notis variorum.
Excise Court.An information was laid against Mr. Killpack, for selling
spirituous liquor. Mr. James (the counsel for the defendant) stated that
there was a club held there, of which Mr. Keeley, the actor, was
treasurer, and many others of the theatrical profession were members,
and that they had a store of brandy, whiskey, and other spirits. Fined
£5 in each case.Observer INVOCATION. Assist, ye jocal nine1,1. Ye
jocal nine, a happy modification of Ye vocal nine. The nine here so
classically invocated are manifestly nine of the members of the late
club, consisting of, 1. Mr. Ds Jd. 2. The subject of the engraving,
treasurer and store-keeper. 3. Mr. Ge Sh, sub-ed. J B. 4. Mr. Bd,
Mem. Dram. Authors Society. 5. Cs Sy, ditto. 6. Mr. Ce. 7. Mr. Cs,
Ts, late of the firm of Ts and Pt. 8. Mr. Je An, Mem. Soc. British
Artists. 9, and lastly, though not least, the author of You loved me
not in happier days. inspire my soul!
(Waiter! a go of Bretts best alcohol,
A light, and one of Killpacks mild Havannahs).
Fire me! again I say, while loud hosannas
I sing of what we wereof what we now are.
Wildly let me rave,
To imprecate the knave
Whose curious information turned our porter sour,
Bottled our stout, doing it (ruthless cub!)
Brown,
Down
Knocking our snug, unlicensed club;
Changing, despite our belle esprit, at one fell swop,
Into a legal coffee-crib, our contraband cook-shop!
ODE. Then little Bob arose,
And doffd his clothes,
Exclaiming, Momus! Stuff!
Ive played him long enough,
And, as the public seems inclined to sack us,
Behold me ready dressed to play young Bacchus.
Bacchus straddling a barrel marked 'Best British Brandy Not Permitted'
He said22. He said.Deeply imbued with the style of the most polished
of the classics, our author will be found to exhibit in some passages an
imitation of it which might be considered pedantic, for ourselves, we
admire the severe style. The literal rendering of the dixit of the
ancient epicists, strikes us as being eitremely forcible here.PUNCH.
his legs the barrel span,
And thus the Covent Garden god began;
GENTLEMEN,I amahem!I beg your pardon,
But, ahem! as first low com. of Common Garden
No, I dont mean that, I mean to say,
That if we wereahem!to pay
So much per quarter for our quarterns, [Cries of Hear!]
Import our own champagne and ginger-beer;
In short, small duty pay on all we sup
Ahem!you understandI give it up.
The speech was ended,
And Bob descended.
The club was formed. A spicy club it was
Especially on Saturdays; because
They dined extrordinary cheap at five oclock:
When there were met members of the Dram. A. Soc.
Those of the sock and buskin, artists, court gazetteers
Odd fellows allodder than all their club compeers.
Some were sub-editors, others reporters,
And more illuminati, joke-importers.
The club was heterogenous
By strangers seen as
A refuge for destitute bons mots
Dépôt for leaden jokes and pewter pots;
Repertory for gin and jeux desprit,
Literary pound for vagrant rapartee;
Second-hand shop for left-off witticisms;
Gallry for Tomkins and Pitt-icisms;33. A play-bill reminiscence, viz.
The scenery by Messrs. Tomkins and Pitt.THE AUTHORS OF BUT,
HOWEVER.
Foundling hospital for every bastard pun;
In short, a manufactory for all sorts of fun!
Arouse my muse! such pleasing themes to quit,
Hear me while I say
Donnez-moi du frenzy, sil vous plait!44. Donnez-moi, &c.The
classics of all countries are aptly drawn upon by the universal
erudition of our bard. A fine parody this upon the exclamation of
Belmontels starving author: La Gloiredonnez-moi do pain!FENWICK DE
PORQUET.
Give me a most tremendous fit
Of indignation, a wild volcanic ebullition,
Or deep anathema,
Fatal as Jds bah!
To hurl excisemen downward to perdition.
May genial gin no more delight their throttles
Their casks grow leaky, bottomless their bottles;
May smugglers run, and they neer make a seizure;
May theyIll curse them further at my leisure.
But for our club,
Ay, theres the rub.
We mourn it dead in its fathers halls:55. They mourn it dead, &c.A
pretty, but perhaps too literal allusion to a popular songJ. RODWELL.
The sporting prints are cut down from the walls;
No stuffing there,
Not even in a chair;
The spirits are all ex(or)cised,
The coffee-cups capsized,
The coffee fine-d, the snuff all taken,
The mild Havannahs are by lights forsaken:
The utter ruin of the clubs achieven
Our very chess-boards are ex-chequered even.
Where is our club? Xsighs,66. Xsighs.Who X may happen to be we
have not the remotest idea. But who would not forgive a little
mystification for so brilliant a pun?THE GHOST OF PUNCHS THEATRE. and
with a stare
Like to another echo, answers Where?
MR. HUME. We are requested by Mr. Hume to state, that being relieved
from his parliamentary duties, he intends opening a day-school in the
neighbourhood of the House of Commons, for the instruction of members
only, in the principles of the illustrious Cocker; and to remedy in some
measure his own absence from the Finance Committees, he is now engaged
in preparing a Parliamentary Ready-reckoner. We heartily wish him
success.
PRIVATE. In the event of the Tories coming into power, it is intended
to confer the place of Postmaster-General upon Lord Clanwilliam. It
would be difficult to select an individual more peculiarly fitted for
the situation than his lordship, whose love of letters is notorious in
the Carlton Club.Extract from an Intercepted Letter.
AND DOTH NOT A MEETING LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS? It is currently reported
at the Conservative Clubs, that if their party should come into power,
Sir Robert Peel will endeavour to conciliate the Whigs, and to form a
coalition with their former opponents. We have no doubt the cautious
baronet sees the necessity of the step, and would feel grateful for
support from any quarter; but we much doubt the practicability of the
measure. It would indeed he a strange sight to see Lord Johnny and Sir
Bobby, the two great leaders of the opposition engines, with their
followers, meeting amicably on the floor of the House of Commons. In our
opinion, an infernal crash and smash would be the result of these
Four trains meeting at an intersection with bodies strewn about. GRAND
JUNCTION TRAINS.
[pg 12] THE DRAMA. The star system has added another victim to the
many already sacrificed to its rapacity and injustice. Mr. Phelps, an
actor whose personation of Macduff, the Hunchback, Jaques, &c., would
have procured for him in former times no mean position, has been
compelled to secede from the Haymarket Theatre from a justifiable
feeling of disgust at the continual sacrifices he was required to make
for the aggrandisement of one to whom he may not possibly ascribe any
superiority of genius. The part assigned to Mr. Phelps (Friar Lawrence)
requires an actor of considerable powers, and under the old régime would
have deteriorated nothing from Mr. Phelps position; but we can
understand the motives which influenced its rejection, and whilst we
deprecate the practice of actors refusing parts on every caprice, we
consider Mr. Phelps opposition to this ruinous system of starring as
commendable and manly. The real cause of the decline of the drama is the
upholding of this system. The stars are paid so enormously, and cost
so much to maintain them in their false position, that the manager
cannot afford (supposing the disposition to exist) to pay the working
portion of his company salaries commensurate with their usefulness, or
compatible with the appearance they are expected to maintain out of the
theatre; whilst opportunities of testing their powers as actors, or of
improving any favourable impression they may have made upon the public,
is denied to them, from the fear that the influence of the greater,
because more fortunate actor, may be diminished thereby. These facts are
now so well known, that men of education are deterred from making the
stage a profession, and consequently the scarcity of rising actors is
referable to this cause.
The poverty of our present dramatic literature may also be attributable
to this absurd and destructive system. The star must be considered
alone in the construction of the drama; or if the piece be not actually
made to measure, the actor, par excellence, must be the arbiter of the
authors creation. Writers are thus deterred from making experiments in
the higher order of dramatic writing, for should their subject admit of
this individual display, its rejection by the star would render the
labour of months valueless, and the dramatist, driven from the path of
fame, degenerates into a literary drudge, receiving for his wearying
labour a lesser remuneration than would be otherwise awarded him, from
the pecuniary monopoly of the star.
It is this system which has begotten the present indifference to the
stage. The public had formerly many favourites, because all had an
opportunity of contending for their favournow they have only Mr. A. or
Mrs. B., who must ultimately weary the public, be their talent what it
may, as the sweetest note would pall upon the ear, were it continually
sounded, although, when harmonised with others, it should constitute the
charm of the melody.
We have made these remarks divested of any personal consideration. We
quarrel only with the system that we believe to be unjust and injurious
to an art which we reverence.
VAUXHALL.Vauxhall! region of Punch, both liquid and corporeal!Elysium
of illumination lamps!Paradise of Simpson!we have been permitted once
again to breathe your oily atmosphere, to partake of an imaginary repast
of impalpable ham and invisible chickento join in the eruption of
exclamations at thy pyrotechnic gloriesto swallow thy mysterious arrack
and
A jester wearing a toga PUNCH A LA ROMAINE.
We have seen Jullien, the elegant, pantomimic Jullien, exhibit his six-
inch wristbands and exquisitely dressed headwe have roved again amid
those bowers where, with Araminta Smith, years ago,
We met the daylight after seven hours sitting.
But we were not happy. There was a something that told us it was not
Vauxhall: the G Rs were V Rsthe cocked hats were round hatsthe
fiddlers were foreignersthe Rotunda was Astleysthe night was moon-
shinyand there was notour pen weeps whilst we trace the mournful
factthere was not Simpson to exclaim, Welcome to the royal
property! Urbane M.A.C., wouldst that thou hadst been a Mussulman, then
wouldst thou doubtlessly be gliding about amid an Eden of Houris,
uttering to the verge of time the hospitable sentence which has rendered
thy name immortalPeace to thy manes!
STRAND.The enterprising managers of this elegant little theatre have
produced another mythological drama, called The Frolics of the Fairies;
or, the Rose, Shamrock, and Thistle, from the pen of Leman Rede, who
is, without doubt, the first of this class of writers. The indisposition
of Mr. Hall was stated to be the cause of the delay in the production of
this piece; out, from the appearance of the bills, we are led to infer
that it arose from the indisposition of Mrs. Waylett to shine in the
same hemisphere with that little brilliant, Mrs. Keeley, and a gem of
the first water she proved herself to be on Wednesday night. It would
be useless to enter into the detail of the plot of an ephemeron, that
depends more upon its quips and cranks than dramatic construction for
its success. It abounds in merry conceits, which that merriest ofdare
we call her mere woman?little Mrs. Bob rendered as pointed as a
Whitechapel needle of the finest temper. The appointments and
arrangements of the stage reflect the highest credit on the management,
and the industry which can labour to surmount the difficulties which we
know to exist in the production of anything like scenic effect in the
Strand Theatre, deserve the encouragement which we were gratified to see
bestowed upon this little Temple of Momus.
The Olympic Theatre has obtained an extension of its licence from the
Lord Chamberlain, and will shortly open with a company selected from
Ducrows late establishment; but whether the peds are bi or quadru,
rumour sayeth not.
A CARD. MESSRS. FUDGE and VAMP beg to inform novelists and writers of
tales in general, that they supply dénouements to unfinished stories, on
the most reasonable terms. They have just completed a large stock of
catastrophes, to which they respectfully solicit attention.
FOR MELO-DRAMA. Discovery of the real murderers, and respite of the
accused.
Ditto very superior, with return of the supposed victim.
Ditto, ditto, extra superfine, with punishment of vice and reward of
virtue.
FOR FARCES. Mollification of flinty-hearted fathers and union of lovers,
&c. &c. &c.
FOR COMEDIES. Fictitious bankruptcy of the hero, and sudden
reinstatement of fortune.
Ditto, ditto, with exposure of false friends.
Non-recognition of son by father, ultimate discovery of former by
latter.
Ditto, ditto, very fine, with convenient cordial, and true gentlemen,
illustrated by an old debauchee.
N.B.On hand, a very choice assortment of interesting parricides,
strongly recommended for Surrey use.
WHY AND BECAUSE. Young Keans a bad cigarbecause
The more hes puffd, the worse he draws.
A new farce, entitled My Friend the Captain, is to be produced
tonight, at the Haymarket Theatre.
MR. HAMMOND will take a benefit at the English Opera House, on Monday
next. We are happy to see that this very deserving actors professional
brethren are coming forward to lend him that assistance which he has
always been ready to afford to others.
TO MRS. H. Thou sweet, to whom all bend the knee,
No wonder men run after thee;
Theres something in a name, perhaps,
For Honeys often good for chaps.
A MR. GRAHAM has appeared at the Surrey. He is reported to be a very
chaste and clever actor. If so, he certainly will not suit the taste of
Mr. Davidges patrons. How they have tolerated Wilson, Leffler, and Miss
Romer so long, we are utterly at a loss to divine. It must be, that
music hath charms.
We are authorised to state that Rouse of the Eagle Tavern is not the
Rous who was lately returned for Westminster.
THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA.
Berthelda.Sanguine, you have killed your mother!!!
Fruitwoman.Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!
(Curtain falls.)
QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P. We give the following list of qualifications
for a member of parliament for Westminster, as a logical curiosity,
extracted from a handbill very liberally distributed by Captain Ronss
party, during the late contest:
1st. Because he is brother to the Earl of Stradbroke.
2nd. Because his family have always been hearty Conservatives.
3rd. Because they have been established in Suffolk from the time of the
Heptarchy.
4th. Because he entered the navy in 1808.
5th. Because he brought home Lord Aylmer in the Pique, in 1835.
6th. Because he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of Belleisle.
7th. Because after beating there for eleven hours, he got her off
again.
8th. Because he brought her into Portsmouth without a rudder or
forefoot, lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate of two feet
per hour! ergo, he is the fittest man for the representative of
Westminster.Q.E.D.
THE ENTIRE ANIMAL. LORD LONDONDERRY, in a letter to Colonel Fitzroy,
begs of the gallant member to go the whole hog. This is natural advice
from a thorough bore like his lordship.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. [pg 13] JULY 24, 1841. A MODEST
METHOD OF FORMING A NEW BUDGET SO AS TO PROVIDE FOR THE DEFICIENCY OF
THE REVENUE. A building (with the words More Ton Dyer) and a sail
forming the letter P oor Mr. Dyer! And so this gentleman has been
dismissed from the commission of the peace for humanely endeavouring to
obtain the release of Medhurst from confinement. Two or three thousand
pounds, he thought, given to some public charity, might persuade the
Home Secretary to remit the remainder of his sentence, and dispose the
public to look upon the prisoner with an indulgent eye.
Now, Mr. Punch, incline thy head, and let me whisper a secret into thine
ear. If the Whig ministry had not gone downright mad with the result of
the elections, instead of dismissing delectable Dyer, they would have
had him down upon the Pension List to such a tune as you wot not of,
although of tunes you are most curiously excellent. For, oh! what a
project did he unwittingly shadow forth of recruiting the exhausted
budget! Such a one as a sane Chancellor of the Exchequer would have
seized upon, and shaken in the face of Robert the Devil, and his crew
of odious monopolists. Peel must still have pined in hopeless
opposition, when Baring opened his plan.
Listen! Mandeville wrote a book, entitled Private Vices Public
Benefits. Why cannot public crimes, let me ask, be made so? you,
perhaps, are not on the instant prepared with an answerbut I am.
Let the Chancellor of the Exchequer forthwith prepare to discharge all
the criminals in Great Britain, of whatever description, from her
respective prisons, on the payment of a certain sum, to be regulated on
the principle of a graduated or sliding scale.
A vast sum will be thus instantaneously raised,not enough, however, you
will say, to supply the deficiency. I know it. But a moments further
attention. Mr. Goulburn, many years since, being then Chancellor of the
Exchequer, and, like brother Baring, in a financial hobble, proposed
that on the payment, three years in advance, of the dog and hair-powder
tax, all parties so handsomely coming down with the tin, should
henceforth and for ever rejoice in duty-free dog, and enjoy untaxed
cranium. Now, why not a proposition to this effectthat on the payment
of a good round sum (let it be pretty large, for the ready is required),
a man shall be exempt from the present legal consequences of any crime
or crimes he may hereafter commit; or, if this be thought an extravagant
scheme, and not likely to take with the public, at least let a list of
prices be drawn up, that a man may know, at a glance, at what cost he
may gratify a pet crime or favourite little foible. Thus:
For cutting ones own childs head offso much. (I really think I would
fix this at a high price, although I am well aware it has been done for
nothing.)
For murdering a father or a mothera good sum.
For ditto, a grand ditto, or a great-grand dittonot so much: their
leases, it is presumed, being about to fall in.
Uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, companions, and the community in
generalin proportion.
The cost of assaults and batteries, and other diversions, might be
easily arranged; only I must remark, that for assaulting policemen I
would charge high; that being, like the Italian Opera, for the most
part, the entertainment of the nobility.
You may object that the propounding such a scheme would be
discreditable, and that the thing is unprecedented. Reflect, my dear
PUNCH, for an instant. Surely, nothing can be deemed to be discreditable
by a Whig government, after the cheap sugar, cheap timber, cheap bread
rigs. Why, this is just what might have been expected from them. I
wonder they had not hit upon it. How it would have agitated the
masses!
As to the want of a precedent, that is easily supplied. Pardons for all
sorts and sizes of crimes were commonly bought and sold in the reign of
James I.; nay, pardon granted in anticipation of crimes to be at a
future time committed.
After all, you see, Mr. Dyers idea was not altogether original.
Your affectionate friend, CHRISTOPHER SLY. Pump Court.
P.S.Permit me to congratulate you on the determination you have come
to, of entering the literary world. Your modesty may be alarmed, but I
must tell you that several of our popular and talented authors are
commonly thought to be greatly indebted to you. They are said to derive
valuable hints from you, particularly in their management of the
pathetic.
Keep a strict eye upon your wife, Judith. You say she will superintend
your notices of the fashions, &c.; but I fear she has been already too
long and exclusively employed on certain newspapers and other
periodicals. Her style is not easily mistaken.
WHIG-WAGGERIES. The Whigs must go: to reign instead
The Tories will be calld;
The Whigs should neer be at the head
Dear me, Im getting bald!
The Whigs! they passd that Poor Law Bill;
Thats true, beyond a doubt;
The poor theyve treated very ill
There, kick that beggar out!
The Whigs about the sugar prate!
They do not care one dump
About the blacks and their sad state
Just please to pass the lump!
Those niggers, for their sufferings here,
Will angels be when dying;
Have wings, and flit above usdear
Why, how those blacks are flying!
The Whigs are in a state forlorn;
In fact, were neer so low:
They make a fuss about the corn
My love, youre on my toe!
The Whigs the timber duty say
They will bring down a peg;
More wooden-pated blockheads they!
Fetch me my wooden leg!
COURT CIRCULAR. Deaf Burke took an airing yesterday afternoon in an open
cart. He was accompanied by Jerry Donovan. They afterwards stood up out
of the rain under the piazzas in Covent Garden. In the evening they
walked through the slops.
The dinner at the Harp, yesterday, was composed of many delicacies of
the season, including bread-and-cheese and onions. The hilarity of the
evening was highly increased by the admirable style in which Signor
Jonesi sang Nix my dolly pals.
Despatches yesterday arrived at the house of Reuben Martin, enclosing a
post order for three-and six-pence.
The Signor and Deaf Burke walked out at five oclock. They after wards
tossed for a pint of half-and-half.
Jerry Donovan and Bill Paul were seen in close conversation yesterday.
It is rumoured that the former is in treaty with the latter for a pair
of left-off six-and-eightpenny Clarences.
Paddy Green intends shortly to remove to a three-pair back-room in
Little Wild-street, Drury-lane, which he has taken for the summer. His
loss will be much felt in the neighbourhood.
AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.No. 2. Rundell! pride of Ludgate Hill!
I would task thine utmost skill;
I would have a bowl from thee
Fit to hold my Howqua tea.
And oh! leave it not without
Ivory handle and a spout.
Where thy curious hand must trace
Father Mathews temperate face,
So that he may ever seem
Spouting tea and breathing steam.
On its sides do not display
Fawns and laughing nymphs at play
But portray, instead of these,
Funny groups of fat Chinese:
On its lid a mandarin,
Modelled to resemble Lin.
When completed, artisan,
I will pay youif I can.
[pg 14] SPORTING. THE KNOCKER HUNT. On Thursday, July 8, 1841, the
celebrated pack of Knocker Boys met at the Cavendish, in Jermyn Street.
These animals, which have acquired for themselves a celebrity as undying
as that of Tom and Jerry, are of a fine powerful breed, and in excellent
condition. The success which invariably attends them must be highly
gratifying to the distinguished nobleman who, if he did not introduce
this particular species into the metropolis, has at least done much to
bring it to its present extraordinary state of perfection.
As there may be some of our readers who are ignorant of the purposes for
which this invaluable pack has been organised, it may be as well to
state a few particulars, before proceeding to the detail of one of the
most splendid nights upon record in the annals of disorderism.
The knocker is a thing which is generally composed of brass or iron. It
has frequently a violent resemblance to the human face divine, or the
ravenous expressiveness of a beast of prey. It assumes a variety of
phases under peculiar vinous influences. A gentleman, in whose veracity
and experience we have the most unlimited confidence, for a series of
years kept an account of the phenomena of his own knocker; and by his
permission the following extracts are now submitted to the public:
1840.
Nov. 12Dined with Captain . Capital spreadexquisite
liqueursmagnificent winesunparalleled cigarsdrank my four
bottlesshould have made it five, but found I had eaten something which
disagreed with meHome at four.
State of Knocker.Jumping up and down the surface of the door like a
rope dancer, occasionally diverging into a zig-zag, the key-hole
partaking of the same eccentricities.
Nov. 13.Supped with Charley B. Brandy, genuine cognacCigars
principè. ESTIMATED CONSUMPTION: brandy and water, eighteen
glassescigars, two dozenporter with a cabman, two pots.
State of Knocker.Peripateticmoved from our house to the nextremained
till it roused the familyreturned to its own door, and became
duplicatedwouldnt wake the house-porter till five.
N.B. Found I had used my own thumb for a sounding-plate, and had bruised
my nail awfully.
Nov. 14.Devoted the day to soda-water and my tailors billgave a
draught for the amount, and took another on my own account.
Nov. 15.Lectured by the governorleft the house savagemet the
Marquessgot very drunk unconsciouslyfancied myself a merman, and that
the gutter in the Haymarket was the Archipelagogrew preposterous, and
felt that I should like to be run overthought I was waltzing with
Cerito, but found I was being carried on a stretcher to the station-
housesomebody sent somewhere for bail, and somebody bailed me.
State of Knocker.Very indistinctthen became uncommonly like the
governor in his nightcapcould NOT reach itpresume it was filial
affection that prevented meknocked of its own accord, no doubt agitated
by sympathyreverberated in my ears all night, and left me with a
confounded head-ache in the morning.
The above examples are sufficient to show the variability of this
singular article.
Formerly the knocker was devoted entirely to the menial occupation of
announcing, by a single dab, or a variation of raps, the desire of
persons on the door-step to communicate with the occupants of the
interior of a mansion. Modern genius has elevated it into a source of
refined pleasure and practical humour, affording at the same time
employment to the artisan, excitement to the gentleman, and broken heads
and dislocations of every variety to the police!
We will now proceed to the details of an event which PUNCH alone is
worthy to record:
Notice of a meet having been despatched to all the members of the
Knocker Hunt, a splendid fieldno streetmet at the Cavendishthe
hotel of the hospitable Marquess. The white damask which covered the
mahogany was dotted here and there with rich and invigorating viands;
whilst decanters of port and sherryjugs of Chateau Margauxbottles of
exhilarating spirits, and boxes of cigars, agreeably diversified the
scene. After a plentiful but orderly discussion of the creature
comforts, (for all ebullitions at home are strictly prohibited by the
Marquess) it was proposed to draw St. Jamess Square. This suggestion
was, however, abandoned, as it was reported by Captain Pepperwell, that
a party of snobs had been hunting bell-handles in the same locality, on
the preceding night. Clarges Street was then named; and off we started
in that direction, trying the west end of Jermyn Street and Piccadilly
in our way; but, as was expected, both coverts proved blank. We were
almost afraid of the same result in the Clarges Street gorse; for it was
not until we arrived at No. 33, that any one gave tongue. Young Dashover
was the first, and clearly and beautifully came his shrill tone upon the
ear, as he exclaimed Hereth a knockerthuch a one, too! The rush was
instantaneous; and in the space of a moment one feeling seemed to have
taken possession of the whole pack. A more splendid struggle was never
witnessed by the oldest knocker-hunter! A more pertinacious piece of
cast-iron never contended against the prowess of the Corinthian! After a
gallant pull of an hour and a half, the affair came off, and now
graces the club-room of the Knocker Hunt.
The pack having been called off, were taken to the kennel in the
Haymarket, when one young dog, who had run counter at a bell-handle, was
found to be missing; but the gratifying intelligence was soon brought,
that he was safe in the Vine-street station-house.
The various compounds known as champagne, port, sherry, brandy, &c.,
having been very freely distributed, Captain Pepperwell made a
proposition that will so intimately connect his name with that of the
immortal Marquess, that, like the twin-born of Jupiter and Leda, to
mention one will be to imply the other.
Having obtained silence by throwing a quart measure at the waiter, he
wriggled himself into an upright position, and in a voice tremulous from
emotionperhaps brandy, said
Gentlemen ofthe Knocker Huntthere are times when a man cant makea
speech without con-considerable inconvenience to himselfthats my case
at the present momentbut my admiration for the distinguished founder
of the Knocker Huntcompels meto stand as well as I canand propose,
that as soon as we have knockers enoughthey be melted downby some
other respectable founder, and cast into a statue ofthe Marquess of
Waterford!
Deafening were the cheers which greeted the gallant captain! A meeting
of ladies has since been held, at which resolutions were passed for the
furtherance of so desirable an object, and a committee formed for the
selection of a design worthy of the originator of the Knocker Hunt. To
that committee we now appeal.
A statue of a gentleman holding a lion-faced door-knocker in the air. TO
HENRY, MARQUESS OF WATERFORD, AND HIS JOLLY COMPANIONS IN LOWE, THIS
STATUE OF ACHILLES, CAST FROM KNOCKERS TAKEN IN THE VICINITIES OF
SACKVILLE-STREET, VIGO-LANE, AND WATERLOO-PLACE, IS INSCRIBED BY THEIR
GENTLEWOMEN. PLACED ON THIS SPOT ON THE FIRST DAY OF APRIL, MDCCCXLII.
BY COMMAND OF COLONEL ROWAN.
Mem. The hunt meet again on Monday next, as information has been
received that a splendid knocker occupies the door of Laings shooting
gallery in the Haymarket.
[pg 15] STENOTYPOGRAPHY. Our printers devil, with a laudable anxiety
for our success, has communicated the following pathetic story. As a
specimen of stenotypography, or compositors short-hand, we consider it
unique.
SERAPHINA POPPS; OR, THE BEAUTY OF BLOOMSBURY. Seraphina Popps was the
daughter of Mr. Hezekiah Popps, a highly respectable pawnbroker,
residing in Street, Bloomsbury. Being an only child, from her
earliest infancy she wanted for 0, as everything had been made ready to
her hand hand.
She grew up as most little girls do, who live long enough, and became
the universal !1 of all who knew her, for
None but herself could be her ||.2
Amongst the most devoted of her admirers was Julian Fitzorphandale.
Seraphina was not insensible to the worth of Julian Fitzorphandale; and
when she received from him a letter, asking permission to visit her, she
felt some difficulty in replying to his ?3; for, at this very critical
.4, an unamiable young man, named Augustus St. Tomkins, who possessed
considerable £. s. d. had become a suitor for her hand. She loved
Fitzorphandale +5 St. Tomkins, but the former was ? of money; and
Seraphina, though sensitive to an extreme, was fully aware that a
competency was a very comfortable appendix.
She seized her pen, but found that her mind was all 6s and 7s. She
spelt Fitzorphandale, P-h-i-t-z; and though she commenced ¶6 after ¶,
she never could come to a finis. She upbraided her unlucky * *, either
for making Fitzorphandale so poor, or St. Tomkins so ugly, which he
really was. In this dilemma we must leave her at present.
Although Augustus St. Tomkins was a Freemason7, he did not possess the
universal benevolence which that ancient order inculcates; but revolving
in his mind the probable reasons for Seraphinas hesitation, he came to
this conclusion: she either loved him -8 somebody else, or she did not
love him at all. This conviction only ×9 his worst feelings, and he
resolved that no ??10 of conscience should stand between him and his
desires.
On the following day, Fitzorphandale had invited Seraphina to a pic-nic
party. He had opened the &11 placed some boiled beef and ^^12 on the
verdant grass, when Seraphina exclaimed, in the mildest ``´´13, I like
it well done, Fitzorphandale!
As Julian proceeded to supply his beloved one with a §14 of the
provender, St. Tomkins stood before them with a 15 in his hand.
Want of space compels us to leave the conclusion of this interesting
romance to the imagination of the reader, and to those ingenious
playwrights who so liberally supply our most popular authors with
gratuitous catastrophes.
NOTES BY THE FLY-BOY. 1. Admiration. 2. Parallel. 3. Note of
Interrogation. 4. Period. 5. More than. 6. Paragraph. 7. Freemason. 8.
Less than. 9. Multiplied. 10. Scruples. 11. Hampers-and. 12. Carets. 13.
Accents. 14. Section. 15. Dagger. NEWS OF EXTRAORDINARY INTEREST. A
mechanic in Berlin has invented a balance of extremely delicate
construction. Sir Robert Peel, it is said, intends to avail himself of
the invention, to keep his political principles so nicely balanced
between Whig and Tory, that the most accurate observer shall be unable
to tell which way they tend.
The London Fire Brigade have received directions to hold themselves in
readiness at the meeting of Parliament, to extinguish any conflagration
that may take place, from the amazing quantity of inflammatory speeches
and political fireworks that will be let off by the performers on both
sides of the house.
The following extraordinary inducement was held out by a solicitor, who
advertised last week in a morning paper, for an office-clerk; A small
salary will be given, but he will have enough of over-work to make up
for the deficiency.
MORE WAYS THAN ONE, &c. The incomplete state of the Treasury has been
frequently lamented by all lovers of good taste. We are happy to
announce that a tablet is about to be placed in the front of the
building, with the following inscription:
TREASURY.
FINISHED BY THE WIGS,
ANNO DOM. MDCCCXLI.
A CON. BY TOM COOKE. Why is the common chord in music like a portion of
the Mediterranean?Because its the E G & C (Ægean Sea).
Silhouette of a conductor holding a blunt object MONSIEUR JULLIEN.
One!crash!
Two!clash!
Three!dash!
Four!smash!
Diminuendo,
Now crescendo:
Thus play the furious band,
Led by the kid-gloved hand
Of Jullienthat Napoleon of quadrille,
Of Piccolo-nians shrillest of the shrill;
Perspiring raver
Over a semi-quaver;
Who tunes his pipes so well, hell tell you that
The natural key of Johnny BullsA flat.
Demon of discord, with mustaches cloven
Arch impudent improver of Beethoven
Tricksy professor of charlatanerie
Inventor of musical artillery
Barbarous rain and thunder maker
Unconscionable money taker
Travelling about both near and far,
Toll to exact at every bar
What brings thee here again,
To desecrate old Drurys fane?
Egregious attitudiniser!
Antic fifer! comst to advise her
Gainst intellect and sense to close her walls?
To raze her benches,
That Gallic wenches
Might play their brazen antics at masked balls?
Ci-devant waiter
Of a quarante-sous traiteur,
Why did you leave your stew-pans and meat-oven,
To make a fricassee of the great Beet-hoven?
And whilst your piccolos unceasing squeak on,
Saucily serve Mozart with sauce-piquant;
Mawkishly cast your eyes to the cerulean
Turn Matthew Locke to potage à la julienne!
Go! go! sir, do,
Back to the rue,
Where lately you
Waited upon each hungry feeder,
Playing the garçon, not the leader.
Pray, put your hat on,
Coupez votre bâton.
Bah
Va!!
CLAR DE KITCHEN. It is now pretty well understood, that if the Tories
come into office, there will be a regular turn out of the present royal
household. Her Majesty, through the gracious condescension of the new
powers, will be permitted to retain her situation in the royal
establishment, but on the express condition that there shall be
A fashionable couple being tailed by a pair of gentlemen NO FOLLOWERS
ALLOWED.
A PARTY OF MEDALLERS. A subscription has been opened for a medal to
commemorate the return of Lord John Russell for the city of London. We
would suggest that his speech to the citizens against the corn-laws
would form an appropriate inscription for the face of the medal, while
that to the Huntingdonshire farmers in favour of them would be found
just the thing for the reverse.
[pg 16] A CHAPTER ON BOOTS. Boots? Boots! Yes, Boots! we can write
upon bootswe can moralise upon boots; we can convert them, as Jacques
does the weeping stag in As You Like It, (or, whether you like it or
not,) into a thousand similes. First, forbut, our soles in arms and
eager for the fray, and so we will at once head our dissertation as we
would a warriors host with
WELLINGTONS. A leg wearing a Wellington boot These are the most
judicious species of manufactured calf-skin; like their great
godfather, they are perfect as a whole; from the binding at the top to
the finish at the toe, there is a beautiful unity about their well-
conceived proportions: kindly considerate of the calf, amiably inclined
to the instep, and devotedly serviceable to the whole foot, they shed
their protecting influence over all they encase. They are walked about
in not only as protectors of the feet, but of the honour of the wearer.
Quarrel with a man if you like, let your passion get its steam up even
to blood-heat, be magnificent while glancing at your adversarys Brutus,
grand as you survey his chin, heroic at the last button of his
waistcoat, unappeased at the very knees of his superior kersey
continuations, inexorable at the commencement of his straps, and about
to become abusive at his shoe-ties, the first cooler of your wrath will
be the Hoby-like arched instep of his genuine Wellingtons, which, even
as a drop of oil upon the troubled ocean, will extend itself over the
heretofore ruffled surface of your temper.Now for
BLUCHERS. A leg wearing a Blucher Well, we dont like them. They are
shocking impostorswalking discomforts! They had no right to be made at
all; or, if made, twas a sin for them to be so christened (are Bluchers
Christians?).
They are Wellingtons cut down; so, in point of genius, was their
baptismal sponsor: but these are vilely tied, and that the hardy old
Prussian would never have been while body and soul held together. He was
no beauty, but these are decidedly ugly commodities, chiefly tenanted by
swell purveyors of cats-meat, and burly-looking prize-fighters. They
have the fortiter in re for kicking, but not the suaviter in modo for
corns. Look at them villanously treed out at the Noahs Ark and
elsewhere; what are they but eight-and-six-penny worth of discomfort!
They will no more accommodate a decent foot than the old general would
have turned his back in a charge, or cut off his grizzled mustachios. If
it wasnt for the look of the thing, one might as well shove ones foot
into a box-iron. We wouldnt be the man that christened them, and take a
trifle to meet the fighting old marshal, even in a world of peace; in
short, they are ambulating humbugs, and the would-be respectables that
wear em are a huge fraternity of false pretenders. Dont trust em,
reader; they are sure to do you! theres deceit in their straps,
prevarication in their trousers, and connivance in their distended
braces. We never met but one exception to the above ruleit was John
Smith. Every reader has a friend of the name of John Smithin
confidence, that is the man. We would have sworn by him; in fact, we did
swear by him, for ten long years he was our oracle. Never shall we
forget the first, the only time our faith was shaken. We gazed upon and
loved his honest face; we reciprocated the firm pressure of his manly
grasp; our eyes descended in admiration even unto the ground on which he
stood, and there, upon that very groundthe ground whose upward growth
of five feet eight seemed Heavens boast, an honest manwe saw what
struck us sightless to all elsea pair of Bluchers!
We did not dream his feet were in them; ten years probation seemed to
vanish at the sight!we wept! He spokecould we believe our ears?
Marvel of marvels! despite the propinquity of the Bluchers, despite
their wide-spreading contamination, his voice was unaltered. We were
puzzled! we were like the first farourite when he has a leg, or, a
LEG has him, i.e., nowhere!
John Smith coughed, not healthily, as of yore; it was a hollow emanation
from hypocritical lungs: he sneezed; it was a vile imitation of his
original hi-catch-yew! he invited us to dinner, suggested the best cut
of a glorious haunchwe had always had it in the days of the
Wellingtonsnow our imagination conjured up cold plates, tough mutton,
gravy thick enough in grease to save the Humane Society the trouble of
admonitory advertisements as to the danger of reckless young gentlemen
skating thereon, and a total absence of sweet sauce and currant-jelly.
We pausedwe grievedJohn Smith saw ithe inquired the causewe felt for
him, but determined, with Spartan fortitude, to speak the truth. Our
native modesty and bursting heart caused our drooping eyes once more to
scan the ground, and, next to the ground, the wretched Bluchers. But,
joy of joys! we saw them all! ay, all!allfrom the seam in the sides to
the leech-like fat cotton-ties. We counted the six lace-holes; we
examined the texture of the stockings above, curious three-threadwe
gloated over the trousers uncontaminated by straps, we hugged ourselves
in the contemplation of the naked truth.
John Smithour own John Smithyour John Smitheverybodys John
Smithagain entered the arm-chair of our affections, the fire of our
love stirred, like a self-acting poker, the embers of cooling good
fellowship, and the strong blaze of resuscitated friendship burst forth
with all its pristine warmth. John Smith wore Bluchers but he wore them
like an honest man; and he was the only specimen of the genus homo (who
sported trowsers) that was above the weakness of tugging up his
suspenders and stretching his broadcloth for the contemptible purpose of
giving a fictitious, Wellingtonian appearance to his eight-and-
sixpennies.
ANKLE-JACKS, A leg wearing an Ankle-Jack to indulge in the sporting
phraseology of the Racing Calendar, appear to be got by Highlows out of
Bluchers. They thrive chiefly in the neighbourhoods of Houndsditch,
Whitechapel, and Billingsgate. They attach themselves principally to
butchers boys, Israelitish disposers of vix and pinthils, and itinerant
misnomers of live fish. On their first introduction to their masters,
by prigging or purchase, they represent some of the glories of Day and
Martin; but, strange to say, though little skilled in the penmans art,
their various owners appear to be imbued with extraordinary veneration
for the wholesome advice contained in the round-text copy, wherein
youths are admonished to avoid useless repetition, hence that polish
is the Alpha and Omega of their shining days. Their term of servitude
varies from three to six weeks: during the first they are fastened to
the topmost of their ten holes; the next fortnight, owing to the
breaking of the lace, and its frequent knotting, they are shorn of half
their glories, and upon the total destruction of the thong (a thing
never replaced), it appears a matter of courtesy on their parts to
remain on at all. On some occasions various of their wearers have
transferred them as a legacy to very considerable mobs, without
particularly stating for which especial individual they were intended.
This kicking off their shoes because they wouldnt die in them, has
generally proved but a sorry method of lengthening existence.
HESSIANS, A leg modelling a Hessian boot are little more than ambitious
Wellingtons, curved at the topwrinkled at the bottom (showing symptoms
of superannuation even in their infancy), and betasselled in the front,
offering what a Wellington never dida weak point for an enemy to seize
and shake at his pleasure.
Theres no speculation in themthey are entirely superficial: like a
shallow fellow, you at once see through, and know all about them. There
is no mystery as to the height they reach, how far they are polished, or
the description of leg they cling round. Save Count DOraay, we never
saw a calf in a pair of themthat is, we never saw a leg with a calf.
Their general tenants are speculative Jew clothesmen who have bought
them vorth the monish (at tenth hand), seedy chamber counsel, or still
more seedy collectors of rents. They are fast falling into decay; like
dogs, they have had their Day (and Martins) Acts, but both are past.
But woh! ho!
TOPS! TOPS!! TOPS!!! A booted leg in a stirrup with spurs
Derby!Epsom!Ledger!Spring Summer, Autumn MeetingsMiles, Half-
milesT.Y.C.Hurdles, Heats, names, weights, colours of the
ridersjockies, jackets,Dead
Heatssweatsdistancestrainingsscalescaps, and allwhat would you be
without Top Boots? What! and echo answersnothing!
Ay, worse than nothinga chancery suit without moneyan Old Bailey
culprit without an alibia debtor without an excusea new play without a
titled authora manager without impudencea thief without a charactera
lawyer without a wigor a Guy Faux without matches!
Tops, you must be made to measure. Wellingtons, Hessians, Bluchers,
Ankle-Jacks, and Highlows, can be chosen from, fitted, and tried on; but
you must be measured for, lasted, back-strapped, topd, wrinkled and
bottomed, according to order.
So it is with your proprietorsthe little men who ride the great running
horses. Theres an impenetrable mystery about those little menthey are,
we know that, but we know not how. Bill Scott is in the secretChifney
is well aware of itJohn Day could enlighten the worldbut they wont!
They know the value of being light characterstheir fame is as a
feather, and downey are they, even as the illustration of that fame.
They conspire together like so many little Frankensteins. The world is
treated with a very small proportion of very small jockeys; they never
increase beyond a certain number, which proves they are not born in the
regular way: as the old ones drop off, the young ones just fill their
places, and not one to spare. Whoever heard of a mob of jockeys, a
glut of light-weights, or even a handful of feathers?no one!
Its like Freemasonryits an awful mystery! Bill Scott knows all about
the one, and the Duke of Sussex knows all about the other, but the
uninitiated know nothing of either! Jockeys are wondersso are their
boots! Crickets have as much calf, grasshoppers as much ostensible
thigh; and yet these superhuman specimens of manufactured leather fit
like a glove, and never pull the little gentlemens legs off. Thats the
extraordinary part of it; they never even so much as dislocate a joint!
Jockey bootmakers are wonderful men! Jockeys aint men at all!
Look, look, look! Oh, dear! do you see that little fellow, with his
merry-thought-like looking legs, clinging round that gallant bright
chesnut, thorobred, and sticking to his ribs as if he meant to crimp
him for the dinner of some gourmand curious in horse-flesh! There he is,
screwing his sharp knees into the saddle, sitting well up from his
loins, stretching his neck, curving his back, stiffening the wire-like
muscles of his small arms, [pg 17]and holding in the noble brute he
strides, as a saftey-valve controls the foaming steam; only loosing him
at his very pleasure.
Look, look! theres the grey filly, with the other made-to-measure
feather on her back; do you notice how she has crawled up to the
chesnut? Mark, mark! his arms appear to be India-rubber! Mercy on us,
how they stretch! and the bridle, which looked just now like a solid bar
of wrought iron, begins to curve! See how gently he leans over the
fillys neck; while the chesnuts rider turns his eyes, like a boiled
lobster, almost to the back of his head! Oh, hes awake! he still keeps
the lead: but the grey filly is nothing but a good un. Now, the Top-
boots riding her have become excited, and commence tickling her sides
with their flashing silver spurs, putting an extra foot into every
bound. She gains upon the chesnut! This is something like a race! The
distance-post is reached! The Top-boots on the grey are at work again.
Bravo! the tip of the white nose is beyond the level of the opposing
boots! Ten strides, and no change! She must win! No, she cant!
Grey for ever! Chesnut for a hundred! Done!
done!Magnificent!neck and neck!splendid!any bodys race! Bravo
grey!bravo chesnut!bravo both! Ten yards will settle it. The chesnut
rider throws up his armsa slight dash of blood soils the Day and
Martinan earth-disdaining bound lands chesnut a winner of three
thousand guineas! and all the world are in raptures with the judgment
displayed in the last kick of the little mans TOP BOOTS.
FUSBOS.
HINTS ON MELO-DRAMATIC MUSIC. It has often struck us forcibly that the
science of melo-dramatic music has been hitherto very imperfectly
understood amongst us. The art of making the sound an echo of the
senseof expressing, by orchestral effects, the business of the drama,
and of forming a chromatic commentary to the emotions of the soul and
the motions of the body, has been shamefully neglected on the English
stage. Ignorant composers and ignoble fiddlers have attempted to develop
the dark mysteries and intricate horrors of the melo-drama; but unable
to cope with the grandeur of their subject, they have been betrayed into
the grossest absurdities. What, for instance, could be more preposterous
than to assign the same music for storming a fort, and stabbing a
virtuous father! Equally ridiculous would it be to express the
breaking of the sun through a fog, and a breach of promise of
marriage; or the rising of a ghost, and the entrance of a ladys
maid, in the same keys.
The adaptation of the different instruments in the orchestra to the
circumstance of the drama, is also a matter of extreme importance. How
often has the effect of a highly-interesting suicide been destroyed by
an injudicious use of the trombone; and a scene of domestic distress
been rendered ludicrous by the intervention of the double-drum!
If our musical composers would attend more closely than they have been
in the habit of doing, to the minutiæ of the scene which is intrusted to
them to illustrate, and study the delicate lights and shades of human
nature, as we behold it nightly on the Surrey stage, we might
confidently hope, at no very distant period, to see melo-drama take the
lofty position it deserves in the histrionic literature of this country.
We feel that there is a wide field here laid open for the exercise of
British talent, and have therefore, made a few desultory mems. on the
subject, which we subjoin; intended as modest hints for the guidance of
composers of melodramatic music. The situations we have selected from
the most popular Melos. of the day; the music to be employed in each
instance, we have endeavoured to describe in such a manner as to render
it intelligible to all our readers.
Music for the entrance of a brigand in the dark, should be slow and
mysterious, with an effective double bass in it.
Ditto, for taking winean allegro, movement, with da capo for the second
glass.
Ditto, for taking porter, beer, or any other inferior swipesa similar
movement, but not con spirito.
Ditto, for the entrance of an attorneya coda in one sharp, 6-8 time. If
accompanied by a client, an accidental flat may be introduced.
Ditto, for discovering a lost babbya simply affettuoso strain, in a
minor key.
Ditto, for recognising a disguised counta flourish of trumpets, and
three bars rest, to allow time for the countess to faint in his arms.
Ditto, for concealing a lover in a closet, and the sudden appearance of
the father, guardian, or husband, as the case may bea prestissimo
movement, with an agitated cadenza.
Ditto, for taking an oath or affidavitslow, solemn music, with a marked
emphasis when the deponent kisses the book.
Ditto, for a lovers vowa tender, broken adagio.
Ditto, for kicking a low comedy mana brisk rapid stoccato passage, with
a running accompaniment on the kettle-drums.
The examples we have given above will sufficiently explain our views;
but there are a vast number of dramatic situations that we have not
noticed, which might be expressed by harmonious sounds, such as music
for the appearance of a dun or a devilmusic for paying a tailormusic
for serving a writmusic for an affectionate embracemusic for ditto,
very warmmusic for faintingmusic for coming-tomusic for the death of
a villain, with a confession of bigamy; and many others too numerous to
mention; but we trust from what we have said, that the subject will not
be lost sight of by those interested in the elevation of our national
drama.
THE RISING SUN. The residence of Sir Robert Peel has been so besieged of
late by place-hunters, that it has been aptly termed the New Post
Office.
THE PUNCH CORRESPONDENCE. In presenting the following epistle to my
readers, it may be necessary to apprise them, that it is the genuine
production of my eldest daughter, Julia, who has lately obtained the
situation of ladys-maid in the house of Mr. Samuel Briggs, an
independent wax and tallow-chandler, of Fenchurch-street, City, but who
keeps his family away from business, in fashionable style, in Russell-
square, Bloomsbury. The example of many of our most successful literary
chiffonniers, who have not thought it disgraceful to publish scraps of
private history and unedited scandal, picked up by them in the houses to
which they happened to be admitted, will, it is presumed, sufficiently
justify my daughter in communicating, for the amusement of an
enlightened public, and the benefit of an affectionate parent, a few
circumstances connected with Briggs family, with such observations and
reflections of her own as would naturally suggest themselves to a
refined and intelligent mind. Should this first essay of a timid girl in
the thorny path of literature be favourably received by my friends and
patrons, it will stimulate her to fresh exertions; and, I fondly hope,
may be the means of placing her name in the same rank by those of Lady
Morgan, Madame Tussaud, Mrs. Glasse, the Invisible Lady, and other
national ornaments of the feminine species.[PUNCH. Russl Squear, July
14.
Dear PA,I nose yew will he angxious to ear how I get on sins I left the
wing of the best of feathers. I am appy to say I am hear in a very
respeckble fammaly, ware they keeps too tawl footmen to my hand; one of
them is cawld John, and the other Pea-taw,the latter is as vane as a P-
cock of his leggs, wich is really beutyful, and puffickly
streightthough the howskeaper ses he has bad angles; but some pipple
loox at things with only 1 i, and sea butt there defex. Mr. Wheazey is
the ass-matick butler and cotchman, who has lately lost his heir, and
cant get no moar, wich is very diffycult after a serting age, even with
the help of Rowlands Madagascar isle. Mrs. Tuffney, the howsekeaper, is
a prowd and oystere sort of person. I rather suspex that shes jellows
of me and Pea-taw, who as bean throwink ships is at me. She thinks to
look down on me, but she cant, for I hold myself up; and though we
brekfists and ts at the same board, I treat with a deal of hot-tar, and
shoes her how much I dispeyses her supper-silly-ous conduck. Besides
these indyvidules, theres another dome-stick, wich I wish to menshun
particlarwich is the paige Theodore, that, as the poat says, as bean
contrived a double debt to pay,
A paige at nighta tigger all the day.
In the mornink hes a tigger, drest in a tite froc-cote, top-boots,
buxkin smawl-closes, and stuck up behind Master Ahghustusses cab. In the
heavening he gives up the tigger, and comes out as the paige, in a fansy
jackit, with too rose of guilt buttings, wich makes him the perfeck
immidge of Mr. Widdycomb, that ice sea in the serkul at Hashleys
Amphitheatre. The paiges bisiness is to weight on the ladies, wich is
naterally light work; and being such a small chap, you may suppose they
can never make enuff of him. These are all the upper servants, of
coarse, I shant lower myself by notusing the infearyour crechurs; such
as the owsmade, coke, edcett rar, but shall purceed drackly to the other
potion of the fammaly, beginning with the old guvnor (as Pee-taw cawls
him), who as no idear of i life, and, like one of his own taller lites,
has only dipped into good sosiety. Next comes Missus:in fact, I ot to
have put her fust, for the grey mayor is the best boss in our staybill,
(Exkews the wulgarisrm.) After Missus, I give persedince to Mr.
Ahghustuss, who, bean the only sun in the house, is natrally looked up
to by everybody in it. He as bean brot up a perfick genelman, at Oxfut,
and is consekently fond of spending his knights in le trou de charbon,
and afterwards of skewering the streetstwisting double knockers,
pulling singlebelles, and indulging in other fashonable divertions, to
wich the low-minded polease, and the settin madgistrets have strong
objexions. His Pa allows him only sicks hundred a-year, wich isnt above
1/2 enuff to keep a cabb, a cupple of hosses, and other thinks, which
its not necessary to elude to here. Isnt it ogious to curb so fine a
spirit? I wish you see him, Pa; such is, and such a pear of beutyful
black musquitoes on his lipenuff to turn the hidds of all the wimming
he meats. The other membranes of this fammaly are the 3 dortersMiss
Sofiar, Miss Selinar, and Miss Jorgina, wich are all young ladyes, full
groan, and goes in public characters to the Kaledonian bawls, and is
likewise angxious to get off hands as soon as a feverable opportunity
hoffers. Its beleaved the old guvnor can give them ten thowsand lbs.
a-peace, wich of coarse will have great weight with a husband. Theres
some Qrious stoaries goingLaw! theres Missuses bell. I must run up-
stairs, so must conclewd obroply, but hope to resoom my pen necks weak.
Believe me, my dear Pa, Your affeckshnt JULIA PUNCH.
CHARACTERISTIC CORRESPONDENCE. The following notes actually passed
between two (now) celebrated comedians:
Dear J, Send me a shilling.
Yours, B,
P.S.On second thoughts, make it two.
To which his friend replied
Dear B, I have but one shilling in the world.
Yours, J,
P.S.On second thoughts, I want that for dinner.
A young artist in Picayune takes such perfect likenesses, that a lady
married the portrait of her lover instead of the original.
[pg 18] PUNCH AND PEEL. Arcades ambo. READER.God bless us, Mr. PUNCH!
who is that tall, fair-haired, somewhat parrot-faced gentleman, smiling
like a schoolboy over a mess of treacle, and now kissing the tips of his
five fingers as gingerly as if he were doomed to kiss a nettle?
PUNCH.That, Mr. Reader, is the great cotton-plant, Sir Robert Peel; and
at this moment he has, in his own conceit, seized upon the white
wonder of Victorias hand, and is kissing it with Saint Jamess
devotion.
READER.What for, Mr. PUNCH?
PUNCH.What for! At court, Mr. Reader, you always kiss when you obtain
an honour. Tis a very old fashion, sirold as the court of King David.
Well do I recollect what a smack Uriah gave to his majesty when he was
appointed to the post which made Bathsheba a widow. Poor Uriah! as we
say of the stag, that was when his horns were in the velvet.
READER.You recollect it, Mr. PUNCH!you at the court of King David!
PUNCH.I, Mr. Reader, I!and at every court, from the court of Cain in
Mesopotamia to the court of Victoria in this present, flinty-hearted
London; only the truth is, as I have travelled I have changed my name.
Bless you, half the Proverbs given to Solomon are mine. What I have lost
by keeping company with kings, not even Joseph Hume can calculate.
READER.And are you really in court confidence at this moment?
PUNCH.Am I? What! Havnt you heard of the elections? Have you not
heard the shouts Io Punch? Doesnt my nose glow like coralarnt my
chops radiant as a rainbowhath not my hunch gone up at least two
inchesam I not, from crown to toe-nails, brightened, sublimated? Like
Alexanderhe was a particular friend of mine, that same Alexander, and
therefore stole many of my best sayingsI only know that I am mortal by
two sensationsa yearning for loaves and fishes, and a love for Judy.
READER.And you really take office under Peel?
PUNCH.Ha! ha! ha! A good joke! Peel takes office under me. Ha! ha! Im
only thinking what sport I shall have with the bedchamber women. But out
they must go. The constitution gives a minister the selection of his own
petticoats; and therefore there shant be a yard of Welsh flannel about
her Majesty that isnt of my choice.
READER.Do you really think that the royal bedchamber is in fact a third
house of Parliamentthat the affairs of the state are always to be put
in the feminine gender?
PUNCH.Most certainly: the ropes of the state rudder are nothing more
than cap-ribbons; if the minister havnt hold of them, what can he do
with the ship? As for the debates in parliament, they have no more to do
with the real affairs of the country than the gossip of the apple-women
in Palace-yard. Theyre made, like the maccaroni in Naples, for the poor
to swallow; and so that they gulp down length, they think, poor fellows,
they get strength. But for the real affairs of the country! Who shall
tell what correspondence can be conveyed in a warming-pan, what
intelligencefor
There may be wisdom in a papillote
may be wrapt up in the curl-papers of the Crown? What subtle, sinister
advice may, by a crafty disposition of royal pins, be given on the royal
pincushion? What minister shall answer for the sound repose of Royalty,
if he be not permitted to make Royaltys bed? How shall he answer for
the comely appearance of Royalty, if he do not, by his own delegated
hands, lace Royaltys stays? I shudder to think of it; but, without the
key of the bedchamber, could my friend Peel be made responsible for the
health of the Princess? Instead of the very best and most scrupulously-
aired diaper, might notby negligence or design, it matters not
whichthe Princess Royal be rolled in an Act of Parliament, wet from
Hansards press?
READER.Dreadful, soul perturbing suggestion! Go on, Mr. PUNCH.
PUNCH.Not but what I think itif their constitution will stand damp
paperan admirable way of rearing young princesses. Queen Elizabethmy
wife Judy was her wet nursewas reared after that fashion.
READER.David Hume says nothing of it.
PUNCH.David Hume was one of the wonders of the earthhe was a lazy
Scotchman; but had he searched the State Paper Office, he would have
found the documents thereyes, the very Acts of Parliamentthe very
printed rollers. To those rollers Queen Elizabeth owed her knowledge of
the English Constitution.
READER.ExplainI cant see how.
PUNCH.Then you are very dull. Is not Parliament the assembled wisdom of
the country?
READER.By a fiction, Mr. PUNCH.
PUNCHVery well, Mr. Reader; whats all the world but a fiction? I say,
the assembled wisdom; an Act of Parliament is the sifted wisdom of the
wisethe essence of an essence. Very well; know you not the mystic, the
medicinal effects of printers ink? The devil himself isnt proof to a
blister of printers ink. Well, you take an Act of Parliamentand what
is it but the finest plaster of the finest brainswet, reeking wet from
the press. Eschewing diaper, you roll the Act round the royal infant;
you roll it up and pin it in the conglomerated wisdom of the nation.
Now, consider the tenderness of a babys cuticle; the pores are open,
and a rapid and continual absorption takes place, so that long before
the Royal infant cuts its first tooth, it has taken up into its system
the whole body of the Statutes.
READER.Might not some patriots object to the application of the wisdom
of the country to so domestic a purpose?
PUNCH.Such patriots are more squeamish than wise. Sir, how many grown
up kings have we had, who have shown no more respect for the laws of the
country, than if they had been swaddled in em?
READER.Do you think your friend Sir Robert is for statute rollers?
PUNCH.I can answer for Sir Robert on every point. His first attack
before he kisses handsand he has, as you perceive, been practising this
half-hourwill be upon the women of the bedchamber. The war with
Chinathe price of sugarthe corn-lawsthe fourteen new Bishops about to
be hatchedtimbercottona property tax, and the penny postall these
matters and persons are of secondary importance to this greater
questionwhether the female who hands the Queen her gown shall think
Lord Melbourne a very pretty fellow in his day; or whether she shall
believe my friend Sir Robert to be as great a conjuror as Roger Bacon or
the Wizard of the Northif the lady can look upon OConnell and not call
for burnt feathers or scream for sal volatile; or if she really thinks
the Pope to be a woman with a naughty name, clothed in most
exceptionable scarlet. It is whether Lady Mary thinks black, or Lady
Clementina thinks white; whether her father who begot her voted with the
Marquis of Londonderry or Earl Greythat is the grand question to be
solved, before my friend Sir Robert can condescend to be the saviour of
his country. To have the privilege of making a batch of peers, or a
handful of bishops is nothing, positively nothingno, the crowning work
is to manufacture a ladys maid. Whats a mitre to a mob-capwhat the
garters of a peer to the garters of the Lady Adeliza?
READER.You are getting warm, Mr. PUNCHvery warm.
PUNCH.I always do get warm when I talk of the delicious sex: for though
now and then I thrash my wife before company, who shall imagine how cosy
we are when were alone? Do you not remember that great axiom of Sir
Robertsan axiom that should make Machiavelli howl with envythat the
battle of the Constitution is to fought in the bedchamber.
READER.I remember it.
PUNCH.That was a great sentence. Had Sir Robert known his true fame, he
would never after have opened his mouth.
READER.Has the Queen sent for Sir Robert yet?
PUNCH.No: though I know he has staid at home these ten days, and
answers every knock at the door himself, in expectation of a message.
READER.They say the Queen doesnt like Sir Robert.
PUNCH.Im also told that her Majesty has a great antipathy to
physicyet when the Constitution requires medicine, why
READER.Sir Robert must be swallowed.
PUNCH.Exactly so. We shall have warm work of it, no doubtbut I fear
nothing, when we have once got rid of the women. And then, we have a few
such nice wenches of our own to place about her Majesty; the Queen shall
take Conservatism as she might take measleswithout knowing it.
READER.And when, Mr. PUNCHwhen you have got rid of the women, what do
you and Sir Robert purpose then?
PUNCH.I beg your pardon: we shall meet again next week: its now two
oclock. I have an appointment with half-a-dozen of my godsons; I have
promised them all places in the new government, and theyre come to take
their choice.
READER.Do tell me this: Who has Peel selected for Commander of the
Forces?
PUNCH.Who? Colonel Sibthorp.
READER.And who for Chancellor of the Exchequer?
PUNCH.Mr. Henry Moreton Dyer!
[pg 19] PUNCHS PENCILLINGS.No. II. A man in a lion's skin holding up
the upper half of a smaller man. The bottom half of the small man
remains on a bench marked TREASURY BENCH HERCULES TEARING THESEUS FROM
THE ROCK TO WHICH HE HAD GROWN.
(MODERNIZED.)
APOLLODORUS relates that THESEUS sat so long on a rock, that at length
he grew to it, so that when HERCULES tore him forcibly away, he left all
the nether part of the man behind him.
[pg 21] THE ELECTION OF BALLINAFAD. (FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.) We
have been at considerable expense in procuring the subjoined account of
the election which has just terminated in the borough of Ballinafad, in
Ireland. Our readers may rest assured that our report is perfectly
exclusive, being taken, as the artists say, on the spot, by a special
bullet-proof reporter whom we engaged, at an enormous expense, for this
double hazardous service.
BALLINAFAD, 20th JULY.
Tuesday Morning, Eight oclock.The contest has begun! The struggle for
the independence of Ballinafad has commenced! Griggles, the opposition
candidate, is in the field, backed by a vile faction. The rank, wealth,
and independence of Ballinafad are all ranged under the banner of Figsby
and freedom. A party of Griggles voters have just marched into the
town, preceded by a piper and a blind fiddler, playing the most
obnoxious tunes. A barrel of beer has been broached at Griggles
committee-rooms. We are all in a state of the greatest excitement.
Half-past Eight.Mr. Figsby is this moment proceeding from his hotel to
the hustings, surrounded by his friends and a large body of the
independent teetotal electors. A wheelbarrow full of rotten eggs has
been sent up to the hustings, to be used, as occasion requires, by the
Figsby voters, who are bent upon
A fellow trying to pull a hog from a lake, but the rope broke GOING THE
WHOLE HOG.
A serious riot has occurred at the town pump, where two of the
independent teetotalers have been ducked by the opposite party. Stones
are beginning to fly in all directions. A general row is expected.
Nine oclock.Polling has commenced. Tom Daly, of Galway, the fighting
friend of Mr. Figsby, has just arrived, with three brace of duelling
pistols, and a carpet-bag full of powder and ball. This looks like
business. I have heard that six of Mr. Figsbys voters have been locked
up in a barn by Griggles people. The poll is proceeding vigorously.
Ten oclock.State of the poll to this time:
Figsby 19 Griggles 22 The most barefaced bribery is being employed by
Griggles. A lady, known to be in his interest, was seen buying half-a-
pound of tea, in the shop of Mr. Fad, the grocer, for which she paid
with a whole sovereign, and took no change. Two legs of mutton have also
been sent up to Griggles house, by Reilly, the butcher. Heaven knows
what will be the result. The voting is become seriousfour men with
fractured skulls have, within these ten minutes, been carried into the
apothecarys over the way. A couple of policemen have been thrown over
the bridge; but we are in too great a state of agitation to mind
trifles.
Half-past Twelve oclock.State of the poll to this time:
Figsby 27 Griggles 36 You can have no idea of the frightful state of the
town. The faction are employing all sorts of bribery and intimidation.
The wife of a liberal greengrocer has just been seen with the Griggles
ribbons in her cap. Five pounds have been offered for a sucking-pig.
Figsby must come in, notwithstanding two cart-loads of the temperance
voters are now riding up to the poll, most of them being too drunk to
walk. Three duels have been this morning reported. Results not known.
The coroner has been holding inquests in the market-house all the
morning.
Three oclock.State of the poll to this time:
Figsby 45 Griggles 39 The rascally corrupt assessor has decided that the
temperance electors who came up to vote for the Liberal candidate, being
too drunk to speak, were disentitled to vote. Some dead men had been
polled by Griggles.
The verdict of the coroners inquest on those who unfortunately lost
their lives this morning, has been, Found dead. Everybody admires the
sagacious conclusion at which the jury have arrived. It is reported that
Figsby has resigned! I am able to contradict the gross falsehood. Mr. F.
is now addressing the electors from his committee-room window, and has
this instant received a plumperin the eyein the shape of a rotten
potato. I have ascertained that the casualties amount to no more than
six men, two pigs, and two policemen, killed; thirteen men, women, and
children, wounded.
Four oclockState of the poll up to this time:
Figsby 29 Griggles 41 The poll-clerks on both sides are drunk, the
assessor has closed the booths, and I am grieved to inform you that
Griggles has just been duly elected.
Half past Four oclock.Figsby has given Grigglcs the lie on the open
hustings. Will Griggles fight?
Five oclock.His wife insists he shall; so, of course, he must. I hear
that a message has just been delivered to Figsby. Tom Daly and his
carpet-bag passed under my window a few minutes ago.
Half-past Five oclock.Two post-chaises have just dashed by at full
speedI got a glimpse of Tom Daly smoking a cigar in one of them.
Six oclock.I open my letter to tell you that Figsby is the favourite;
3 to 1 has been offered at the club, that he wings his man; and 3 to 2
that he drills him. The public anxiety is intense.
Half-past Six.I again open my letter to say, that I have nothing
further to add, except that the betting continues in favour of the
popular candidate.
Seven oclock.Huzza!Griggles is shot! The glorious principles of
constitutional freedom have been triumphant! The town is in an uproar of
delight! We are making preparations to illuminate. BALLINAFAD IS SAVED!
FIGSBY FOR EVER!
EPIGRAM. Lord Johnny from Stroud thought it best to retreat.
Being certain of getting the sack,
So he ran to the City, and begged for a seat,
Crying, Please to re-member Poor Jack!
CONUNDRUMS BY COL. SIBTHORP. Why is a tall nobleman like a
poker?Because hes a highun belonging to the great.
Why is a defunct mother like a dog?Because shes a ma-stiff.
When is a horse like a herring?When hes hard rode.
EPIGRAM ON SEEING AN EXECUTION. One morn, two friends before the Newgate
drop,
To see a culprit throttled, chanced to stop:
Alas! cried one as round in air he spun,
That miserable wretchs race is run.
True, said the other drily, to his cost,
The race is runbut, by a neck tis lost.
FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS. Lord John Russell has arrived at a convictionthat
the Whigs are not so popular as they were.
Sir Peter Laurie has arrived at the conclusionthat Solon was a greater
man than himself.
THE POET FOILED. To win the maid the poet tries,
And sonnets writes to Julias eyes;
She likes a versebut cruel whim,
She still appears a-verse to him.
A most cruel hoax has recently been played off upon that deserving class
the housemaids of London, by the insertion of an advertisement in the
morning papers, announcing that a servant in the above capacity was
wanted by Lord Melbourne. Had it been for a cook, the absurdity would
have been too palpable, as Melbourne has frequently expressed his
opposition to sinecures.
ECCLESIASTICAL TRANSPORTATION. Now By Pl has beat the Whigs,
The Church cant understand
Why Botny Bay should be all sea,
And have no see on land.
For such a lamentable want
Our good Archbishop grieves;
Tis very strange the Tories should Remind him of the thieves!
EPIGRAM. An American paper tells us of a woman named Dobbs, who was
killed in a preaching-house at Nashville, by the fall of a chandelier on
her head. Bretts Patent Brandy poet, who would as soon make a witticism
on a cracked crown as a cracked bottle, has sent us the following:
The light of life comes from above,
Old Dingdrum snuffling said;
The light came down on Peggy Dobbs,
And Peggy Dobbs was dead.
A man in Kentucky was so absent, that he put himself on the toasting-
fork, and did not discover his mistake until he was done brown.
CONSISTENCY. No wonder Tory landlords flout
Fixd Duty, for tis plain,
With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
Must go against the grain.
The anticipated eruption of Mount Vesuvius is said to have been
prevented by throwing a box of Holloways Ointment into the crater.
[pg 22] THE SAILORS SECRET. In the yearlet me seebut no matter about
the datemy father and mother died of a typhus fever, leaving me to the
care of an only relative, and uncle, by my fathers side. His name was
Box, as my name is Box. I was a babby in long clothes at that time, not
even so much as christened; so uncle, taking the hint, I suppose, from
the lid of his sea-chest, had me called Bellophron Box. Bellophron being
the name of the ship of which he was sailing-master.
I shant say anything about my education; though I was brought up in
A Pirate Boarding Battle A FIRST RATE BOARDING-SCHOOL.
Its not much to boast of; but as soon as I could bear the weight of a
cockade and a dirk, uncle got me a berth as midshipman on board his own
ship. So there I was, Mr. Bellophron Box. I didnt like the sea or the
service, being continually disgusted at the partiality shown towards me,
for in less than a month I was put over the heads of all my superior
officers. You may starebut its true; for I was mast-headed for a week
at a stretch. When we put into port, Captain called me into his
cabin, and politely informed me that if I chose to go on shore, and
should find it inconvenient to return, no impertinent inquiries should
be made after me. I availed myself of the hint, and exactly one year and
two months after setting foot on board the Bellophron, I was Master
Bellophron Box again.
Well, now for my story. There was one Tom Johnson on board, a foksell
man, as they called him, who was very kind to me; he tried to teach me
to turn a quid, and generously helped me to drink my grog. As I was
unmercifully quizzed in the cockpit, I grew more partial to the society
of Tom than to that of my brother middies. Tom always addressed
me,Sir, and they named me Puddinghead; till at last we might be called
friends. During many a night-watch, when I have sneaked away for a
snooze among the hen-coops, has Tom saved me from detection, and the
consequent pleasant occupation of carrying about a bucket of water on
the end of a capstan bar.
I had been on board about a monthperhaps twowhen the order came down
from the Admiralty, for the men to cut off their tails. Lord, what a
scene was there! I wonder it didnt cause a mutiny! I think it would
have done so, but half the crew were laid up with colds in their heads,
from the suddenness of the change, though an extra allowance of rum was
served out to rub them with to prevent such consequences; but the purser
not giving any definite directions, whether the application was to be
external or internal, the liquor, I regret to say, for the honour of the
British navy, was applied much lower down. For some weeks the men seemed
half-crazed, and were almost as unmanageable as ships that had lost
their rudders. Well, so they had! It was a melancholy sight to see piles
of beautiful tails with little labels tied to them, like the
instructions on a physic-bottle; each directed to some favoured relative
or sweetheart of the curtailed seamen. What a strange appearance must
Portsmouth, and Falmouth, and Plymouth, and all the other mouths that
are filled with sea-stores, have presented, when the precious
remembrances were distributed! I wish some artist would consider it; for
I think its a shame that there should be no record of such an
interesting circumstance.
One night, shortly after this visitation, it blew great guns. Large
black clouds, like chimney-sweepers feather-beds, scudded over our
heads, and the rain came pouring down likelike winking. Tom had been
promoted, and was sent up aloft to reef a sail, when one of the horses
giving way, down came Tom Johnson, and snap went a leg and an arm. I was
ordered to see him carried below, an office which I readily performed,
for I liked the manand they dont allow umbrellas in the navy.
Whats the matter? said the surgeon.
Nothing particular, sir; ony Toms broke his legs and his arms by a
fall from the yard, replied a seaman.
Tom groaned, as though he did consider it something very particular.
He was soon stripped and the shattered bones set, which was no easy
matter, the ship pitching and tossing about as she did. I sat down
beside his berth, holding on as well as I could. The wind howled through
the rigging, making the vessel seem like an infernal Eolian harp; the
thunder rumbled like an indisposed giant, and to make things more
agreeable, a gun broke from its lashings, and had it all its own way for
about a quarter of an hour. Tom groaned most pitiably. I looked at him,
and if I were to live for a thousand years, I shall never forget the
expression of his face. His lips were blue, andno matter, Im not
clever at portrait painting: but imagine an old-fashioned Saracens
Headnot the fine handsome fellow they have stuck on Snow Hill, but one
of the griffins of 1809and you have Toms phiz, only it wants touching
with all the colours of a painters palette. I was quite frightened, and
could only stammer out, Why T-o-o-m!
Its all up, sir, says he; I must go; I feel it.
Dont be foolish, I replied; Dont die till I call the surgeon. It
was a stupid speech, I acknowledge, but I could not help it at the time.
No, no; dont call the surgeon, Mr. Box; hes done all he can, sir. But
its hereits here! and then he made an effort to thump his heart, or
the back of his head, I couldnt make out which.
I trembled like a jelly. I had once seen a melodrama, and I recollected
that the villain of the piece had used the same action, the same words.
Mr. Box, groaned Tom, Ive a-a-secret as makes me very uneasy, sir,
Indeed, Tom, I replied; hadnt you better confess the mur murder, I
was a going to say, but I thought it might not be polite, considering
Toms situation.
The ruffian, for such he looked then, tried to raise himself, but
another lurch of the Bellophron sent him on his back, and myself on my
beam-ends. As soon as I recovered my former position, Tom continued
Mr. Box, dare I trust you, sir? if I could do so, Im sartin as how I
should soon be easier.
Of course, said I, of course; out with it, and I promise never to
betray your confidence.
Then come, come here, gasped the suffering wretch; give us your hand,
sir.
I instinctively shrunk back with horror!
Dont be long, Mr. Box, for every minute makes it worse, and then his
Saracens Head changed to a feminine expression, and resembled the Belle
Sauvage.
I couldnt resist the appeal; so placing my hand in his, Tom put it over
his shoulder, and, with a ghastly smile, said, Pull it out, sir!
Pull what out?
My secret, Mr. Box; its hurting on me!
I thought that he had grown delirious; so, in order to soothe him as
much as possible, I forced my hand under his shirt-collar, and what do
you think I found? Why, a PIGTAILhis pigtail, which he had contrived to
conceal between his shirt and his skin, when the barbarous order of the
Admiralty had been put into execution.
A silhouette of a bulldog pulling a sailor's pigtail A NAUTICAL TALE.
SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. No. II. You say you would find
But one, and one only,
Whod feel without you
That the revel was lonely:
That when you were near,
Time ever was fleetest,
And deem your loved voice
Of all music the sweetest.
Who would own her heart thine,
Though a monarch beset it,
And love on unchanged
Dont you wish you may get it?
You say you would rove
Where the bud cannot wither;
Where Arabys perfumes
Each breeze wafteth thither.
Where the lute hath no string
That can waken a sorrow;
Where the soft twilight blends
With the dawn of the morrow;
Where joy kindles joy,
Ere you learn to forget it,
And care never comes
Dont you wish you may get it?
SYLLABLES WHICH BREATHE OF THE SWEET SOUTH. JOEY HUME is about to
depart for Switzerland: for, finding his flummery of no avail at Leeds,
we presume he intends to go to Schaff-hausen, to try the Cant-on.
MARRIAGE AND CHRISTENING EXTRAORDINARY. We beg to congratulate Lord John
Russell on his approaching union with Lady Fanny Elliot. His lordship is
such a persevering votary of Hymen, that we think he should be named
Union-Jack.
OMINOUS. LORD PALMERSTON, on his road to Windsor, narrowly escaped being
upset by a gentleman in a gig. We have been privately informed that the
party with whom he came in collision wasSir Robert Peel.
[pg 23] CROSS READINGS. (REC.)
If you ever should be
In a state of ennui,
Just listen to me,
And without any fee
Ill give you a hint how to set yourself free.
Though dearth of intelligence weaken the news,
And you feel an incipient attack of the blues,
For amusement you never need be at a loss,
If you take up the paper and read it across.
(INTER ARIA DEMI LOQUI.)
Heres the Times, apropos,
And so,
With your patience, Ill show
What I mean, by perusing a passage or two.
(ARIA.)
Hem! Mr. George Robins is anxious to tell,
In very plain prose, hes instructed to sell
A vote for the countypacked neatly in straw
Set by Holloways Ointmenta limb of the law.
The army has had secret orders to seize
As soon as they canthe industrious fleas.
For amusement you never need be at a loss,
If you take a newspaper and read it across.
The opera opens withelegant coats
For silver and gold we exchange foreign notes
Specific to soften mortalitys ills
And cure Yorkshire bacontake Morisons pills.
Curious coincidencesteam to Gravesend.
Tale of deep interestmoney to lend
Louisa is waiting for William to send.
For amusement you never need be at a loss,
If you take a newspaper and read it across.
For relief of the Polesan astounding feat!
A respectable manfor a water will eat
The Macadamised portion of Parliament-street.
Mysterious occurrence!expected incog.
To be viewed by cards onlya terrible fog.
At eight in the morning the steam carriage starts
Takes passengers nowto be finished in parts.
For amusement you never need be at a loss,
If you take a newspaper and read it across.
Left in a cab, andthe number not known
A famous prize ox, weighing 200 stone
He speaks with a lisphas a delicate shape
And had on, when he quitted, a Macintosh cape.
For China direct, a finedealer in slops.
To the curious in shavingnew way to dress chops.
Repeal of the cornwas roasted for lunch
Teetotal beverage Triumph of PUNCH!
For amusement you never need be at a loss,
If you take a newspaper and read it across.
A CON. BY DUNCOMBE. Why are four thousand eight hundred and forty yards
of land obtained on credit like a drinking song?Because its an-acre-
on-tic.I think I had you there!
A WOOD CUT. A correspondent of one of the morning papers exultingly
observes, that the wood-blocks which are about being removed from
Whitehall are in excellent condition. If this is an allusion to the
present ministry, we should say, emphatically, NOT.
REVENGE IS SWEET. The Tories in Beverley have been wreaking their
vengeance on their opponents at the late election, by ordering their
tradesmen who voted against the Conservative candidate to send in their
bills. Mr. Duncombe declares that this is a mode of revenge he never
would condescend to adopt.
If Farren, cleverest of men,
Should go to the right about,
What part of town will he be then?
Why, Farren-done-without!
WHAT HO! APOTHECARY. Cox, a pill-doctor at Leeds, it is reported,
modestly requested a check for £10, for the honour of his vote. Had his
demand been complied with, we presume the bribe would have been
endorsed, This draught to be taken at poll time.
QUESTION BY THE DISOWNED OF NOTTINGHAM. Why do men who are about to
fight a duel generally choose a field for the place of action?
ANSWER BY COLONEL SIBTHORP. I really cannot tell; unless it be for the
purpose of allowing the balls to graze.
REVIEW. Two Prize Essays. By LORD MELBOURNE and SIR ROBERT PEEL. 8 vols.
folio. London: Messrs. SOFTSKIN and TINGLE, Downing-street.
We congratulate the refined and sensitive publishers on the production
of these elaborately-written gilt-edged folios, and trust that no
remarks will issue from the press calculated to affect the digestion of
any of the parties concerned. The sale of the volumes will, no doubt, be
commensurate with the public spirit, the wisdom, and the benevolence
which has uniformly characterised the career of their illustrated
authors. Two more statesmanlike volumes never issued from the press; in
fact, the books may be regarded as typical of all statesmen. The
subject, or rather the line of argument, is thus designated by the
respective writers:
ESSAY I.On the Fine Art of Government, or how to do the least possible
good to the country in the longest possible time, and enjoy, meanwhile,
the most ease and luxury. By LORD MELBOURNE.
ESSAY II.On the Science of Governing, or how to do the utmost possible
good for ourselves in the shortest possible time, under the name of our
altars, and our throne, and everybody that is good and wise. By SIR
ROBERT PEEL.
We are quite unable to enter into a review of these very costly
productions, an estimate of the value of which the public will be sure
to receive from authority, and be required to meet the amount, not
only with cheerful loyalty, but a more weighty and less noisy
acknowledgment.
As to the Prize, it has been adjudged by PUNCH to be divided equally
between the two illustrious essayists; to the one, in virtue of his
incorrigible laziness, and to the other, in honour of his audacious
rapacity.
TO THE LAUGHTER-LOVING PUBLIC. PUNCH begs to inform the inhabitants of
Great Britain, Ireland, and the Isle of Dogs, that he has just opened on
an entirely new line, an Universal Comic Railroad, and Cosmopolitan
Pleasure Van for the transmission of bon mots, puns, witticisms,
humorous passengers, and queer figures, to every part of the world. The
engines have been constructed on the most laughable principles, and
being on the high-pressure principle, the manager has provided a vast
number of patent anti-explosive fun-belts, to secure his passengers
against the danger of suddenly bursting.
The train starts every Saturday morning, under the guidance of an
experienced punster. The departure of the train is always attended with
immense laughter, and a tremendous rush to the booking-office. PUNCH,
therefore, requests those who purpose taking places to apply early, as
there will be no
A group of shadows leaping off of a bench RESERVED SEATS!
N.B.Light jokes booked, and forwarded free of expense. Heavy articles
not admitted at any price.
? Wanted an epigrammatic porter, who can carry on a smart dialogue, and
occasionally deliver light jokes.
CHANT. TO OLD FATHER TIME. Timeold Timewhither away?
Linger a moment with us, I pray;
Too soon thou spreadest thy wings for flight;
Dip, boy, dip
In the bowl thy lip,
And be jolly, old Time, with us to-night.
Dip, dip, &c.
Timeold Timethy scythe fling down;
Garland thy pate with a myrtle crown,
And fill thy goblet with rosy wine;
Fill, fill up,
The joy-giving cup,
Till it foams and flows oer the brim like mine. Fill, fill, &c.
Timeold Timesighing is vain,
Pleasure from thee not a moment can gain;
Fly, old greybeard, but leave us your glass
To fill as we please,
And drink at our ease,
And count by our brimmers the hours as they pass.
[pg 24] THE DRAMA ROMEO AND JULIET. Italy! land of love and maccaroni,
of pathos and puppetstomb of Romeo and Julietbirth-place of Punch and
Judyregion of romancecountry of the concentrated essences of all
these;carnivalsI, PUNCH, the first and last, the alpha and omega of
fun, adore thee! From the moment when I was cast upon thy shores, like
Venus, out of the sea, to this sad day, when I am forced to descend from
my own stage to mere criticism; have I preserved every token that would
endear my memory to thee! My nose is still Roman, my mouth-organ plays
the genteelest of Italian tunesmy scenes represent the choicest of
Italian villasin choice Italian doth my devil swearto wit, shal-la-
bella!
Longing to be still more reminded of thee, dear Italy, I threw a large
cloak over my hunch, and a huge pair of spectacles over my nose, and
ensconced myself in a box at the Haymarket Theatre, to witness the
fourth appearance of my rival puppet, Charles Kean, in Romeo. He is an
actor! What a deep voicewhat an interesting lispwhat a charming
whinewhat a vigorous stamp, he hath! How hard he strikes his forehead
when he is going into a ragehow flat he falls upon the ground when he
is going to die! And then, when he has killed Tybalt, what an attitude
he strikes, what an appalling grin he indulges his gaping admirers
withal!
This is real acting that one pays ones money to see, and not such an
unblushing imposition as Miss Tree practises upon us. Do we go to the
play to see nature? of course not: we only desire to see the actors
playing at being natural, like Mr. Gallot, Mr. Howe, Mr. Worral, or Mr.
Kean, and other actors. This system of being too natural will, in the
end, be the ruin of the drama. It has already driven me from the Stage,
and will, I fear, serve the great performers I nave named above in the
same manner. But the Haymarket Juliet overdoes it; she is more natural
than nature, for she makes one or two improbabilities in the plot of the
play seem like every-day matters of fact. Whether she falls madly in
love at the first glance, agrees to be married the next afternoon, takes
a sleeping draught, throws herself lifeless upon the bed, or wakes in
the tomb to behold her poisoned lover, still in all these situations she
behaves like a sensible, high-minded girl, that takes such
circumstances, and makes them appear to the audiencequite as a matter
of course! What let me ask, was the use of the authorwhose name, I
believe, was Shaksperepurposely contriving these improbabilities, if
the actors do not make the most of them? I do hope Miss Tree will no
longer impose upon the public by pretending to act Juliet. Let her try
some of the characters in Bulwers plays, which want all her help to
make them resemble women of any nation, kindred, or country.
Much as I admire Kean, I always prefer the acting of Wallack; there is
more variety in the tones of his voice, for Kean tunes his pipes exactly
as my long-drummer sets his drum;to one pitch: but as to action,
Wallackmore like my drummerbeats him hollow; he points his toes,
stands a-kimbo, takes off his hat, and puts it on again, quite as
naturally as if he belonged to the really legitimate drama, and was
worked by strings cleverly pulled to suit the action to every word.
Wallack is an honest performer; he dont impose upon you, like Webster,
for instance, who as the Apothecary, speaks with a hungry voice, walks
with a tottering step, moves with a helpless gait, which plainly shows
that he never studied the parthe must have starved for it. Where will
this confounded naturalness end?
The play is got up, as we managers call it, capitally. The dresses are
superb, and so are the properties. The scenery exhibited views of
different parts of the city, and was, so far as I am a judge, well
painted. I have only one objection to the balcony scene. Plagiarism is
mean and contemptibleI despise it. I will not apply to the Vice-
Chancellor for an injunction, because the imitation is so vilely
caricatured; but the balcony itself is the very counterpart of PUNCHS
theatre!PUNCH.
MY FRIEND THE CAPTAIN. When a new farce begins with duck and green peas,
it promises well; the sympathies of the audience are secured, especially
as the curtain rises but a short time before every sober play-goer is
ready for his supper. Mr. Gabriel Snoxall is seated before the
comsstibles above mentionedhe is just established in a new lodging. It
is snugthe furniture is neatbeing his own property, for he is an
unfurnished lodger. A bachelor so situated must be a happy fellow. Mr.
Snoxall is happya smile radiates his facehe takes wine with himself;
but has scarcely tapped the decanter for his first glass, before he
hears a tap at his door. The hospitable Come in! is answered by the
appearance of Mr. Dunne Brown, a captain by courtesy, and Snoxalls
neighbour by misfortune. Here business begins.
The ancient natural historian has divided the genus homo into the two
grand divisions of victimiser and victim. Behold one of each class
before youthe yeast and sweat-wort, as it were, which brew the plot!
Brown invites himself to dinner, and does the invitation ample justice;
for he finds the peas as green as the host; who he determines shall be
done no less brown than the duck. He possesses two valuable
qualifications in a diner-outan excellent appetite, and a habit of
eating fast, consequently the meal is soon over. Mr. Browns own tiger
clears away, by the ingenious method of eating up what is left. Mr.
Snoxall is angry, for he is hungry; but, good easy man, allows himself
to be mollified to a degree of softness that allows Mr. Brown to borrow,
not only his tables and chairs, but his coat, hat, and watch; just, too,
in the very nick of time, for the bailiffs are announced. What is the
hunted creditor to do? Exit by the window to be sure.
A character invented by farce-writers, and retained exclusively for
their usefor such folks are seldom met with out of a farcelives in the
next street. He has a lovely daughter, and a nephew momentarily expected
from India, and with those persons he has, of course, not the slighest
acquaintance; and a niece, by marriage, of whose relationship he is also
entirely unconscious. His parlours are made with French windows; they
are open, and invite the bailiff-hunted Brown into the house. What so
natural as that he should find out the state of family affairs from a
loquacious Abigail, and should personate the expected nephew? Mr.
Tidmarsh (the property old gentleman of the farce-writers) is in
ecstacics. Mrs. T. sees in the supposed Selbourne a son-in-law for her
daughter, whose vision is directed to the same prospects. Happy,
domestic circle! unequalled family felicity! too soon, alas! to be
disturbed by a singular coincidence. Mr. Snoxall, the victim, is in love
with Miss Sophia, the daughter. Ruin impends over Brown; but he is
master of his art: he persuades Snoxall not to undeceive the family of
Tidmarsh, and kindly undertakes to pop the question to Sophia on behalf
of his friend, whose sheepishness quite equals his softness. Thus
emboldened, Brown inquires after a few loose sovereigns, and Snoxall,
having been already done out of his chairs, clothes, and watch, of
course lends the victimiser his purse, which contains twenty.
Mr. Browns career advances prosperously; he makes love in the dark to
his supposed cousin pro Snoxall, in the hearing of the supposed wife
(for the real Selbourne has been married privately) and his supposed
friend, both supposing him false, mightily abuse him, all being still in
the dark. At length the real Selbourne enters, and all supposition ends,
as does the farce, poetical justice being administered upon the captain
by courtesy, by the bailiffs who arrest him. Thus he, at last, becomes
really Mr. Dunne Brown.
The farce was successful, for the actors were perfect, and the audience
good-humoured. We need hardly say who played the hero; and having named
Wrench, as the nephew, who was much as usual, everybody will know how.
Mr. David Rees is well adapted for Snoxall, being a good figure for the
part, especially in the duck-and-green-peas season. The ladies, of whom
there were four, performed as ladies generally do in farces on a first
night.
We recommend the readers of PUNCH to cultivate the acquaintance of My
Friend the Captain. They will find him at home every evening at the
Haymarket. We suspect his paternity may be traced to a certain corner,
from whose merit several equally successful broad-pieces have been
issued.
LITERARY QUERIES AND REPLIES BY DISTINGUISHED PERSONAGES. QUESTION BY
SIR EDWARD LYTTON BULWER, BART, What romance is that which outght to be
most admired in the kitchen?
ANSWER BY THEODORE HOOK. Don Quixote; because it was written by
Cervantes(servantes).Rather low, Sir Ned.
QUESTION BY LADY BLESSINGTON, When is a ladys neck not a neck?
ANSWER BY LADY MORGAN. For shame now!When it is a little bare (bear),
I suppose.
A SPEECH FROM THE HUSTINGS. The following is a correct report of a
speech made by one of the candidates at a recent election in the north
of England.
THOMAS SMITH, Esq., then presented himself, and said * * * *
* * * * crisis * * * * * *
* * * * * * * important dreadful * *
* * * industry * * * * * * enemies
* * slaves * * independence * * *
* * * freedom * * * * * firmly
* * * * gloriously * * * * contested
* * * * * * support * * * *
victory, Hurrah!
Mr. Smith then sat down; but we regret that the uproar which prevailed,
prevents us giving a fuller report of his very eloquent and impressive
speech.
FASHIONABLE MOVEMENTS. COUNT DORSAY declares that no gentleman having
the slightest pretensions to fashionable consideration can be seen out
of doors except on a Sunday, as on that day bailiffs and other low
people keep at home.
EPIGRAM ON A VERY LARGE WOMAN. All flesh is grass, so do the
Scriptures say;
But grass, when cut and dried, is turned to hay;
Then, lo; if Death to thee his scythe should take,
God bless us! what a haycock thou wouldst make.
An author that lived somewhere has such a brilliant wit, that he
contracted to light the parish with it, and did it.
Our church clock, say the editors of a down-cast paper, keeps time so
well that we get a day out of every week by it.
A man in Kentucky has a horse which is so slow, that his hind legs
always get first to his journeys end.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. [pg 25] JULY 31, 1841. POETRY ON
AN IMPROVED PRINCIPLE. Let me earnestly implore you, good Mr. PUNCH, to
give publicity to a new invention in the art of poetry, which I desire
only to claim the merit of having discovered. I am perfectly willing to
permit others to improve upon it, and to bring it to that perfection of
which I am delightedly aware, it is susceptible.
It is sometimes lamented that the taste for poetry is on the
declinethat it is no longer relishedthat the public will never again
purchase it as a luxury. But it must be some consolation to our modern
poets to know (as no doubt they do, for it is by this time notorious)
that their productions really do a vast deal of servicethat they are of
a value for which they were never designed. TheyI mean many of
themhave found their way into the pharmacopoeia, and are constantly
prescribed by physicians as soporifics of rare potency. For instance
not poppy, nor mandragora,
Nor all the drowsy syrups of the world.
Shall ever usher thee to that sweet sleep
to which a man shall be conducted by a few doses of Robert Montgomerys
Devils Elixir, called Satan, or by a portion, or rather a potion, of
Oxford. Apollo, we know, was the god of medicine as well as of poetry.
Behold, in this our bard, his two divine functions equally mingled!
But waiving this, of which it was not my intention to speak, let me
remark, that the reason why poetry will no longer go down with the
public, as poetry, is, that the whole frame-work is worn out. No new
rhymes can be got at. When we come to a mountain, we are tolerably
sure that a fountain is not very far off; when we see sadness, it
leads at once to madnessto borrow is sure to be followed by
sorrow; and although it is said, when poverty comes in at the door,
love flies out of the window,a saying which seems to imply that
poverty may sometimes enter at the chimney or elsewhereyet I assure
you, in poetry, the poor always come in, and always go out at the
door.
My new invention has closed the door, for the future, against the
vulgar crew of versifiers. A man must be original. He must write common-
sense toohard exactions I know, but it cannot be helped.
I transmit you a specimen. Like all great discoveries, the chief merit
of my invention is its simplicity. Lest, however, the meanest capacity
(which cannot, by the way, be supposed to be addicted to PUNCH) should
boggle at it, it may be as well to explain that every letter of the
final word of each alternate line must be pronounced as though Dilworth
himself presided at the perusal; and that the last letter (or letters)
placed in italics will be found to constitute the rhyme. Here, then, we
have
A RENCONTRE WITH A TEA-TOTALLER. On going forth last night, a friend to
see,
I met a man by trade a s-n-o-b;
Reeling along the path he held his way.
Ho! ho! quoth I, hes d-r-u-n-k.
Then thus to himWere it not better, far,
You were a little s-o-b-e-r?
Twere happier for your family, I guess,
Than playing off such rum r-i-g-s.
Besides, all drunkards, when policemen see em,
Are taken up at once by t-h-e-m.
Me drunk! the cobbler cried, the devil trouble you!
You want to kick up a blest r-o-w.
Now, may I never wish to work for Hoby,
If drain Ive had! (the lying s-n-o-b!)
Ive just returnd from a tee-total party,
Twelve on us jammd in a spring c-a-r-t.
The man as lectured, now, was drunk; why, bless ye,
Hes sent home in a c-h-a-i-s-e.
Hed taken so much lush into his belly,
Im blest if he could t-o-dd-l-e.
A pair on emhisself and his good lady;
The gin had got into her h-e-a-d.
(My eye and Betty! what weak mortals we are;
They said they took but ginger b-e-e-r!)
But as for me, Ive stuck (twas rather ropy)
All day to weak imperial p-o-p.
And now weve had this little bit osparrin,
Just stand a q-u-a-r-t-e-r-n!
A man in New-York enjoys such very excellent spirits that he has only to
drink water to intoxicate himself.
TO JOBBING PATRIOTS. MR. GEORGE ROBINS. with unparalleled gratification,
begs to state that he has it in
Command to announce, that in consequence of
LORD JOHN RUSSELLS LETTER to the citizens of London having
satisfactorily convinced her
MOST GRACIOUS MAJESTY that a change of ministry
CANNOT be productive of a corresponding transformation of measures, and
that the late
POLITICO-GLADIATORIAL STRUGGLE for the guerdon of office could only have
emanated from a highly commendatory desire on the part of the
disinterested and patriotic belligerents
TO SERVE THEMSELVES or their country,
HIS ROYAL MISTRESS, ever solicitous to enchain the hearts of her devoted
subjects, by an impartial exercise of her prerogative, has determined to
submit to the
ARBITRATION OF HIS HUMBLE HAMMER, some of those desirable places, so
long known as the stimuli to the
LACTANT LYCURGI of the nineteenth century.
LOT 1. FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY, at present in possession of Lord
Melbourne. This will be found a most eligible investment, as it embraces
a considerable extent of female patronage, comprising the appointments
of those valuable legislative adjuncts,
THE LADIES OF THE BEDCHAMBER, AND THE ROYAL NURSES, WET AND DRY;
together with those household desiderata,
COALS AND CANDLES, and an unlimited
RUN OF THE ROYAL KITCHEN. LOT 2. SECRETARY OF STATE FOR THE COLONIAL
DEPARTMENT, at present occupied by Lord John Russell. This lot must
possess considerable attraction for a gastronomical experimentalist, as
its present proprietor has for a long time been engaged in the discovery
of how few pinches of oatmeal and spoonsful of gruel are sufficient for
a human pauper, and will be happy to transfer his data to the next
fortunate proprietor. Any gentleman desirous of embarking in the
manufacture of
SUGAR CANDY, MATCHES, OR CHEAP BREAD, would find this a desirable
investment, more particularly should he wish to form either
A PAROCHIAL OR MATRIMONIAL UNION, as there are plans for the one, and
hints for the other, which will be thrown into the bargain, being of no
further use to the present noble incumbent.
LOT 3. SECRETARY OF STATE FOR THE HOME DEPARTMENT, at present the
property of Lord Normanby. Is admirably calculated for any one of a
literary turn of mind, offering resources peculiarly adapted for a
proper cultivation of the Jack Sheppard and James Hatfield men-of-
elegant-crimes school of novel-writingthe archives of Newgate and
Horsemonger-lane being open at all times to the inspection of the
favoured purchaser.
YES OR NO will determine the sale of this desirable lot in a few
days.
LOT 4. SECRETARY OF STATE FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS, now in the occupancy of
Lord Palmerston. Possesses advantages rarely to be met with. From its
connexion with the continental powers, Eau de Cologne, bears grease,
and cosmetics of unrivalled excellence, can be procured at all times,
thus insuring the favour of the divine sex,
From the rich peasant-cheek of bronze,
And large black eyes that flash on you a volley
Of rays, that say a thousand things at once,
To the high damas brow more melancholy.
The only requisite (besides money) for this desirable lot is, that the
purchaser must write a bold round hand for
PROTOCOLS, understand French and Chinese, and be an
EXPERT TURNER. LOT 5. SEVERAL UNDER SECRETARYSHIPS, admirably adapted
for younger sons and poor relatives.
The whole of the proceeds (by the advice of her Majestys Cabinet
Council) will be devoted to the erection of a
UNION FOR DECAYED MINISTERS. Cards to view may be had at the Treasury
any day after the meeting of Parliament.
Very like a whale! as the schoolmaster said when he examined the boys
back after severely flogging him.
[pg 26] THE DIARY OF A LORD MAYOR. All the world is familiar with the
Diary of a Physician, the Diary of an Ennuyée, the Diary of a Lady
of Rank, and Heaven knows how many other diaries besides! but who has
ever heard of, or saw, the Diary of a Lord Mayor,that day-book, or
blotter, as it may be commercially termed, of a gigantic mind? Who has
ever perused the autobiography of the Lama of Guildhall, Cham of
Cripplegate, Admiral of Fleet Ditch, Great Turtle-hunter and Herod of
Michaelmas geese? We will take upon ourselves to answernot one! It was
reserved for PUNCH to give to his dear friends, the public, the first
and only extract which has ever been made from the genuine diary of a
late Lord Mayor of London, or, as that august individual was wont, when
in Paris, to designate himself on his visiting tickets
Mr.
FEU LORD MAYOR DE LONDRES.
How the precious MS. came into our possession matters little to the
reader; suffice it to say, it is a secret which must ever remain
confined to the bosoms of PUNCH and his cheesemonger.
DIARY. Nov. 10, eight oclock.Dreamed a horrid dreamthought that I was
stretched in Guildhall with the two giants sitting on my chest, and
drinking rum toddy out of firemens bucketsfancied the Board of
Aldermen were transformed into skittle-pins, and the police force into
bottles of Harveys sauce. Tried to squeak, but couldnt. Then I
imagined that I was changed into the devil, and that Alderman Harmer was
St. Dunstan, tweaking my nose with a pair of red-hot tongs. This time, I
think, I did shout lustily. Awoke with the fright, and found my wife
pulling my nose vigorously, and calling me My Lord! Pulled off my
nightcap, and began to have an idea I was somebody, but could not tell
exactly who. Suddenly my eye rested upon the civic gown and chain, which
lay upon a chair by my bed-side:the truth flashed upon my mindI felt I
was a real Lord Mayor. I remembered clearly that yesterday I had been
sworn into office. I had a perfect recollection of the glass-coach, and
the sheriffs, and the men in armour, and the band playing Jim along
Josey, as we passed the Fleet Prison, and the glories of the city barge
at Blackfriars-bridge, and the enthusiastic delight with which the
assembled multitude witnessed
A fellow falling into the water while crossing a (broken) plank into a
boat THE LORD MAYOR TAKING WATER.
I could also call to mind the dinnerthe turtle, venison, and turbotand
the popping of the corks from the throats of the champagne bottles. I
was conscious, too, that I had made a speech; but, beyond this point,
all the events of the night were lost in chaotic confusion. One thing,
however, was certainI was a bonâ fide Lord Mayorand being aware of the
arduous duties I had to perform, I resolved to enter upon them at once.
Accordingly I arose, and as some poet says
Commenced sacrificing to the Graces,
By putting on my breeches.
Sent for a barber, and authorised him to remove the superfluous hair
from my chinat the same time made him aware of the high honour I had
conferred upon him by placing the head of the city under his
razorthought I detected the fellows tongue in his cheek, but couldnt
be certain. Mem. Never employ the rascal again.
9 oclock.Dressed in full figsword very troublesomegetting
continually between my legs. Sat down to breakfasther ladyship
complimented me on my appearancesaid I looked the beau ideal of a
mayortook a side glance at myself in the mirrorher ladyship was
perfectly right. Trotter the shoemaker announcedwalked in with as much
freedom as he used to do into my shop in Coleman-streetsmelt awfully of
best calf and heavy soleshook me familiarly by the hand, and
actually called me Bob. The indignation of the Mayor was roused, and I
hinted to him that I did not understand such liberties, upon which the
fellow had the insolence to laugh in my facecouldnt stand his
audacity, so quitted the room with strong marks of disgust.
10 oclock.Heard that a vagabond was singing Jim Crow on Tower-
hillproceeded with a large body of the civic authorities to arrest him,
but after an arduous chase of half-an-hour we unfortunately lost him in
Houndsditch. Suppressed two illegal apple-stalls in the Minories, and
took up a couple of young black-legs, whom I detected playing at chuck-
farthing on Saffron-hill. Issued a proclamation against mad dogs,
cautioning all well-disposed persons to avoid their society.
12 oclock.Waited upon by the secretary of the New River Company with a
sample of the water they supply to the Cityfound that it was much
improved by compounding it with an equal portion of cognacgave a
certificate accordingly. Lunched, and took a short nap in my cocked hat.
1 oclock.Police-court. Disposed of several cases summarilyeverybody
in court amazed at the extraordinary acuteness I displayed, and the
rapidity with which I gave my decisionsthey did not know that I always
privately tossed upheads, complainant wins, and tails, defendantthis
is the fairest way after allno being humbugged by hard swearing or
innocent looksno sifting of witnessesno weighing of evidenceno
deliberatingno hesitatingthe thing is done in an instantand, if the
guilty should escape, why the fault lies with fortune, and not with
justice.
3 oclock.Visited the Thames Tunnelfound Brunel a devilish deep
fellowhe explained to me the means by which he worked, and said he had
got nearly over all his difficultiesI suppose he meant to say he had
nearly got under themat all events the tunnel, when completed, will be
a vast convenience to the metropolis, particularly to the lower classes.
From the Tunnel went to Billingsgate-marketconfiscated a basket of
suspicious shrimps, and ordered them to be conveyed to the Mansion-
house. Mem. Have them for breakfast to-morrow. Return to dress for
dinner, having promised to take the chair at the Grand Annual
Metropolitan Anti-Hydro-without-gin-drinking Association.
Here a hiatus occurs in the MS.; but from cotemporary authorities we are
enabled to state that his lordship was conveyed home at two oclock on
the following morning, by some jolly companions.
Slowly and sadly they smoothed his bed, And they told his wife and
daughter To give him, next day, a couple of red- Herrings and soda-
water.
THE LOVES OF THE PLANTS. The gay Daffodilly, an amorous blade,
Stole out of his bed in the dark,
And calling his brother, Jon-Quil, forth he strayd
To breathe his love vows to a Violet maid
Who dwelt in a neighbouring park.
A spiteful old Nettle-aunt frownd on their love;
But Daffy, who laughd at her power,
A Shepherds-purse slippd in the nurses Fox-glove,
Then up Jacobs-ladder he crept to his love,
And stole to the young Virgins-bower.
The Maidens-blush Roseand she seemd all dismayd,
Arrayd in her white Ladys-smock,
She calld Mignonettebut the sly little jade,
That instant was hearing a sweet serenade
From the lips of a tall Hollyhock.
The Pheasants eye, always a mischievous wight,
For prying out something not good,
Avowd that he peepd through the keyhole that night;
And clearly discernd, by a glow-worms pale light,
Their Two-faces-under-a-hood.
Old Dowager Peony, deaf as a door,
Who wishd to know more of the facts,
Invited Dame Mustard and Miss Hellebore,
With Miss Periwinkle, and many friends more,
One evening to tea and to tracts.
The Butter-cups ranged, defamation ran high,
While every tongue joind the debate;
Miss Sensitive said, twixt a groan and a sigh,
Though she felt much concerndyet she thought her dear Vi
Had grown rather bulbous of late.
Thus the tale spread about through the busy parterre:
Miss Columbine turn'd up her nose,
And the prude Lady Lavender said, with a stare,
That her friend, Mary-gold, had been heard to declare,
The creature had toyd with the Rose.
Each Sage lookd severe, and each Cocks-comb lookd gay,
When Daffy to make their mind easy,
Miss Violet married one morning in May,
And, as sure as you live, before next Lady-day,
She brought him a Michaelmas-daisy.
NOTHING WONDERFUL. The Duke of Normandie accounts for the non-explosion
of his percussion-shells, by the fact of having incautiously used some
of MCullochs pamphlets on the corn laws. If this be the case, no
person can be surprised at their not going off.
MODERN WAT TYLERS. The anxiety of the Whigs to repeal the timber duties
is quite pardonable, for, with their wooden heads, they doubtlessly look
upon it in the light of a poll-tax.
[pg 27] A young dark-skinned boy. Head of a Botecudo previous to
disfigurement.
A young dark-skinned man with chin and ear pendants. Head of a Butecudo
disfigured by chin and ear pendants.
A dark-skinned man with drooping ear lobes, wearing English clothes and
a monocle. Head of a Botecudo disfigured by civilisation.
CIVILISATION. If an European, says Sir Joshua Reynolds, in one of his
Discourses, when he has cut off his beard, and put false hair on his
head, or bound up his own hair in formal, hard knots, as unlike nature
as he can make it, and after having rendered them immoveable by the help
of the fat of hogs, has covered the whole with flour, laid on by a
machine with the utmost regularityif, when thus attired, he issues
forth and meets a Cherokee Indian who has bestowed as much time at his
toilet, and laid with equal care and attention his yellow and red ochre
on such parts of his forehead and cheeks as he judges most becoming,
whichever of these two despises the other for this attention to the
fashion of his country, whichever first feels himself provoked to laugh,
is the barbarian.
Granting this, the popular advocates of civilisation certainly are not
the most civilised of individuals. They appear to consider yellow ochre
and peacocks feathers the climax of barbarismmarabouts and kalydor the
acme of refinement. A ring through the nose calls forth their deepest
pitya diamond drop to the ear commands their highest respect. To them,
nothing can show a more degraded state of nature than a New Zealand
chief, with his distinctive coat of arms emblazoned on the skin of his
face; nor anything of greater social elevation than an English peer,
with the glittering label of his nobility tacked to his breast. To a
rational mind, the one is not a whit more barbarous than the other; they
being, as Sir Joshua observes, the real barbarians who, like these soi-
disant civilisers, would look upon their own monstrosities as the sole
standard of excellence.
The philosophy of the present age, however, is peculiarly the philosophy
of outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast than the bosom of the
shirt. Who could doubt the heart that beats beneath a cambric front? or
who imagine that hand accustomed to dirty work which is enveloped in
white kid? What Prometheus was to the physical, Stultz is to the moral
manthe one made human beings out of clay, the other cuts characters out
of broad-cloth. Gentility is, with us, a thing of the goose and shears;
and nobility an attributenot of the mind, but (supreme civilisation!)
of a garter!
Certain modern advocates appear to be devout believers in this external
philosophy. They are touchingly eloquent upon the savage state of those
who indulge in yellow ochre, but conveniently mute upon the condition of
those who prefer carmine. They are beautifully alive to the degradation
of that race of people which crushes the feet of its children, but
wonderfully dead to the barbarism of that race, nearer home, which
performs a like operation upon the ribs of its females. By them, also,
we are told that words would manifestly fail in portraying so low a
state of morals as is pictured in the lineaments of an Australian
chief,a stretch of the outside philosophy which we certainly were not
prepared to meet with; for little did we dream that this noble science
could ever have attained such eminence, that men of intellect would be
able to discover immorality in particular noses, and crime in a certain
conformation of the chin.
That an over-attention to the adornment of the person is a barbarism all
must allow; but that the pride which prompts the Esquimaux to stuff bits
of stone through a hole in his cheek, is a jot less refined than that
which urges the dowager-duchess to thrust coloured crystals through a
hole in her ear, certainly requires a peculiar kind of mental squint to
perceive. Surely there is as great a want of refinement among us, in
this respect, as among the natives of New Zealand. Why rush for subjects
for civilisation to the back woods of America, when thousands may be
found, any fine afternoon, in Regent-street? Why fly to Biddy Salamander
and Bulkabra, when the Queen of Beauty and Count DOrsay have equally
urgent claims on the attention and sympathies of the civiliser?
On the subject of civilisation, two questions naturally present
themselvesthe one, what is civilisation?the other, have we such a
superabundance of that commodity among us, that we should think about
exporting it? To the former question, the journal especially devoted to
the subject has, to the best of our belief, never condescended a reply;
although, like the celebrated argument on the colour of the chameleon,
no two persons, perhaps, have the same idea of it. In what then, does
civilisation consist, and how is it to be generally promoted? Does it,
as Sir E.L. B would doubtlessly assure us, does it lie in a strict
adherence to the last months fashions; and is it to be propagated
throughout the world only by missionaries from Nugees, and by the
universal dissemination of curling-tongs and Macassarpatent leather
boots and opera hatswhite cambric pocket-handkerchiefs and lavender-
water? Or, does it consist, as the Countess of B would endeavour to
convince us, in abstaining from partaking twice of fish, and from eating
peas with the knife? and is it to be made common among mankind only by
distributing silver forks and finger-glasses to barbarians, and printing
the Book of Etiquette for gratuitous circulation among them? Or, is it,
as the mild and humane Judge P would prove to us, a necessary result
of the Statutes at Large; and can it be rendered universal only by
sending out Jack Ketch as a missionaryby the introduction of rope-walks
in foreign parts, and the erection of gallows all over the world? Or, is
it, as the Archbishop of Canterbury contests, to be achieved solely by
the dissemination of bishops, and by diffusing among the poor benighted
negroes the blessings of sermons, tithes, and church rates?
Christianity, it has, on the other hand, been asserted, is the only
practical system of civilisation; but this is manifestly the idea of a
visionary. For ourselves, we must confess we incline to the opposite
opinion; and think either the bishops or Jack Ketch (we hardly know
which we prefer) by far the more rational means. Indeed, when we
consider the high state of civilisation which this country has attained,
and imagine for an instant the awful amount of distress which would
necessarily accrue from the general practice of Christianity among us,
even for a week, it is clear that the idea never could be entertained by
any moral or religious, mind. A weeks Christianity in England! What
would become of the lawyer, and parsons? It is too terrible to
contemplate.
[pg 28] NOUVEAU MANUEL DU VOYAGEUR. These are the continental-trip days.
All the world will be now a-touring. But every one is not a Dr. Bowring,
and it is rather convenient to be able to edge in a word now and then,
when these rascally foreigners will chatter in their own beastly jargon.
Ignorant pigs, not to accustom themselves to talk decent English! Il
Signor Marchese Cantini, the learned and illustrious author of Hi,
diddlo-diddlino! Il gutto el violino!, has just rendered immense
service to the trip-loving natives of these lovely isles, by preparing a
Guide to Conversation, that for utility and correctness of idiom
surpasses all previous attempts of the same kind. With it in one hand,
and a bagful of Napoléons or Zecchini in the other, the biggest dunce in
Londonnay, even a schoolmastermay travel from Boulogne to Naples and
back, with the utmost satisfaction to himself, and with substantial
profit to the people of these barbarous climes. The following is a
specimen of the way in which Il Signor has accomplished his undertaking.
It will be seen at a glance how well he has united the classical with
the utilitarian principle, clothing both in the purest dialect; ex.
gr.:
THIS IS ENGLISH. THIS IS FRENCH. THIS IS ITALIAN. Does your mother know
youre out? Madame, votre maman, sait-elle que vous nêtes pas chez
vous? La vostra signora madre sa che siete uscito di casa? It wont do,
Mr. Ferguson. Cela nese passera, Monsieur Ferguson, jamais! Questo non
fara cosi, il Signore Fergusoni! Who are you? Est-ce que vous aviez
jamais un père? Chi è vossignoria? All round my hat. Tout autour mon
chapeau. Tutto all interno del mio capello! Go it, ye cripples! Cest
ça! Battez-vous bienboiteux; cr-r-r-r-matin! Bravo! bravo, stroppiati!
Ancora-ancora! Such a getting up-stairs! Diantre! comme on monte
lescalier! Come si ha salito è maraviglioso! Jump, Jim Crow. Sautez,
Monsiuer Jaques Corbeau! Salti, pergrazia, Signor Giamomo Corvo! It
would not be fair to rob the Signor of any more of his labour. It will
be seen that, on the principle of the Painter and his Cow, we have
distinctly written above each sentence the language it belongs to. It is
always better to obviate the possibility of mistakes.
THE OMNIBUS The horrors of an omnibus,
Indeed, Ive cause to curse;
And if I ride in one again,
I hope twill be my hearse.
If you a journey have to go,
And they make no delay,
Tis ten to one youre servd like curds,
They spill you on the WHEY.
A short time since my wife and I
A short call had to make,
And giving me a kiss, she said
A buss youd better take!
We journeyd ontwo lively cads,
Were for our custom triers;
And in a twinkling we were fixd
Fast by this pair of pliers!
My wifes arm I had lockd in mine,
But soon they forced her from it;
And she was luggd into the Sun,
And I into the Comet!
Jammd to a jelly, there I sat,
Each one against me pushing;
And my poor gouty legs seemd made
For each ones pinsa cushion!
My wife some time had gone before:
I urged the jarvey's speed,
When all at once the bus set off
At fearful pace, indeed!
I askd the coachee what caused this?
When thus his story ran:
Vy, a man shied at an oss, and so
An oss shied at a man!
Oh, fearful crash! oh, fearful smash!
At such a rate we run,
That presently the Comet came
In contact with the Sun.
At that sad time each body felt,
As parting with its soul,
We were, indeed, a little whirld,
And shook from pole to pole!
Dunn, the miller of Wimbledon, has recently given his infant the
Christian name of Cardigan. If there is truth in the adage of give a
dog a bad name and hang him, the poor child has little else in
perspective than the gallows.
PRAY DONT TELL THE GOVERNOR. A SONG OF TON. Why, y-e-stwas rather
late last night;
In fact, past six this morning.
My rascal valet, in a fright,
Awoke, and gave me warning.
But what of that?Im very young.
And youve been in the Oven, or,
Like me, youre wrongd by rumours tongue,
Sopray dont tell the Governor.1 1. The author is aware there exists a
legitimate rhyme for Porringer, but believes a match for governor lies
still in the terra incognita of allowable rhythm.
I dined a quarter after seven,
With Dashall of the Lancers;
Went to the opera at eleven,
To see the ballet-dancers.
From thence I saunterd to the club
Fortune to mes a slovenor,
I surely must have won one rub,
Butmind! dont tell the Governor!
I went to Ascot tother day,
Drove Kitty in a tandem;
Upset it gainst a brewers dray
Id dined, so drove at random.
I betted highan outside won
Id swear its hoofs were cloven, or
It neer the favourite horse had done,
Butdont you tell the Governor.
My cottage ornée down at Kew,
So picturesque and pretty,
Cost me of thousands not a few,
To fit it up for Kitty.
She said it charmd her fancy quite,
But (still I cant help loving her)
She bolted with the plate one night
You neednt tell the Governor.
My creditors are growing queer,
Nay, threaten to be furious;
Ill scan their paltry bills next year,
At present Im not curious.
Such fellows are a monstrous bore,
So I and Harry Grosvenor
To-morrow start for Gallias shore,
And leave dunsto the Governor.
THE EXPLOSIVE BOX. Sir Hussey Vivian was relating to Sir Robert Peel the
failure of the Duke of Normandies experiment with a terrible self-
explosive box, which he had buried in a mound at Woolwich, in the
expectation that it would shortly blow up, but which still remains
there, to the great terror of the neighbourhood, who are afraid to
approach the spot where this destructive engine is interred. Sir Robert,
on hearing the circumstance, declared that Lord John Russell had served
him the same trick, by burying the corn-law question under the Treasury
bench. No one knew at what moment it might explode, and blow them to .
The question, he added, now iswho will dig it out?
EXCLUSIVE INTELLIGENCE. (From OUR West-end and The Observers
Correspondent.) We have every reason to believe, unless a very
respectable authority, on whom we are in the habit of relying, has
grievously imposed upon us, that a very illustrious personage has
consulted a certain exalted individual as to whether a certain other
person, no less exalted than the latter, but not so illustrious as the
former, shall be employed in a certain approaching event, which at
present is involved in the greatest uncertainty. Another individual, who
is more dignified than the third personage above alluded to, but not
nearly so illustrious as the first, and not half so exalted as the
second, has nothing whatever to do with the matter above hinted at, and
it is not at all probable that he will be ever in the smallest way mixed
up with it. For this purpose we have cautiously abstained from giving
his name, and indeed only allude to him that there may be no
misapprehension on this very delicate subject.
ANIMAL MAGNETISM. The Times gives a horrible description of some
mesmeric experiments by a M. Delafontaine, by which a boy was deprived
of all sensation. We suspect that some one has been operating upon the
Poor Law Commissioners, for their total want of feeling is a mesmeric
phenomenon.
ON SIR EDWARD LYTTON BULWER, BART., not M.P. FOR LINCOLN. That Bulwers
from fair Lincoln bannd,
Doth threaten evil days;
For, having much waste time on hand,
Alas! hell scribble plays.
[pg 29] THE NEW HOUSE. This is the House that Jack (Bull) built. Once
there lived, as old histories learnedly show, a
Great sailor and shipbuilder, named MISTER NOAH,
Who a hulk put together, so wondrousno doubt of it
That all sorts of creatures could creep in and out of it.
Things with heads, and without heads, things dumb, things loquacious,
Things with tails, and things tail-less, things tame, and things
pugnacious;
Rats, lions, curs, geese, pigeons, toadies and donkeys,
Bears, dormice, and snakes, tigers, jackals, and monkeys:
In short, a collection so curious, that no man
Eer since could with NOAH compare as a show-man
At length, JOHNNY BULL, with that clever fat head of his,
Designd a much stranger and comical edifice,
To be calld his NEW HOUSEa queer sort of menagerie
To hold all his beastswith an eye to the Treasury.
Into this he has crammd such uncommon monstrosities,
Such animals rare, such unique curiosities,
That we wager a CROWNnot to speak it uncivil
This HOUSE of BULLS beats Noahs Ark to the devil.
Lest you think that we bouncethe great fault, we confess, of men
We proceed to detail some few things, as a specimen
Of what are to be found in this novel museum;
As it opens next month, you may all go and see em.
Five Woods, of five shades, grain, and polish, and gilding,
Are used this diversified chamber in building.
Not a nail, bolt, or screw, youll discover to lurk in it,
Though six Smiths you will find every evening at work in it.
A Forman and Master youll see there appended too,
Whose words or instructions are never attended to.
A Leader, whom nobody follows; a pair o Knights,
With courage at ninety degrees of old Fahrenheits;
Full a hundred Jim Crows, wheeling round aboutround about,
Yet only one Turners this House to be found about.
Of hogs-heads, Lord knows, there are plenty to spare of them,
But only one Cooper is kept to take care of them.
A Ryders maintaind, but hes no horse to get upon;
Theres a Packe too, and only one Pusey to set upon.
Two Palmers are kept, holy men, in this ill, grim age,
To make every night their Conservative pilgrimage.
A Fuller, for scouring old coats and redressing them;
A Taylor to fashion; and Mangles for pressing them.
Two Stewarts, two Fellowes, a Clerk, and a Baillie,
To keep order, yet each calld to order are, daily.
A Duke, without dukedoma matter uncommon
And Bowes, the delight, the enchantment of woman.
This house has a Tennent, but ask for the rent of it,
Hed laugh at, and send you to Brussels or Ghent for it.
Of the animals properly calld so, a sample
Well give to you gentlefolks now, for example:
There are bores beyond count, of all ages and sizes,
Yet only one Hogg, who both learned and wise is.
Theres a Buck and a Roebuck, the latter a wicked one,
Whom few like to play withhe makes such a kick at one.
There are Hawkes and a Heron, with wings trimmd to fly upon,
And claws to stick into what prey they set eye upon.
Theres a Fox, a smart cove, but, poor fellow, no tail he has;
And a Bruengood tusks for a feed well be bail he has.
Theres a Seale, and four Martens, with skins to our wishes;
Theres a Rae and two Roches, and all sorts of fishes;
Theres no sheep, but a Sheppardthe last of the pigtails
And a Ramsbottomchip of the old famous big tails.
Now to mention in brief a few trifles extraneous,
By connoisseurs classd, odds and ends miscellaneous:
Theres a couple of Bellsfrightsnay, Hottentots real!
A Trollope, of elegance le beau ideal.
Of Browne, Green, and Scarlett men, surely a sack or more,
Besides three whole White men, preserved with a Blakemore.
Theres a Hill, and a Hutt, and a Kirk, andastounding!
The entire of old Holland this house to be found in.
Theres a Flower, with a perfume so strong twould upset ye all;
And the beauty of Somers is here found perpetual.
Theres a Bodkin, a Patten, a Rose, and a Currie,
And a man thats still Hastie, though neer in a hurry.
There is Cole without smoke, a sou-West without danger;
And a Grey, that to place is at present a stranger.
Theres a Peel,but enough! if youre a virtuoso
Youll see for yourself, and next month you may do so;
When, if you dont say this New House is a wonder,
Were Dutchmenthats all!and at once knuckle under.
WATERFORD ELECTION. The Tories at Waterford carried the day,
And the reign of the Rads is for ever now past;
For one who was Wyse he got out of the way,
And the hopes of the other proved Barron at last.
STATE OF TRADE. We are sorry to perceive that trade was never in a more
alarming state than at present. A general strike for wages has taken
place amongst the smiths. The carpenters have been dreadfully cut up;
and the shoemakers find, at the last, that it is impossible to make both
ends meet. The bakers complain that the pressure of the times is so
great, that they cannot get the bread to rise. The bricklayers swear
that the monopolists ought to be brought to the scaffold. The glaziers,
having taken some pains to discover the cause of the distress, declare
that they can see through the whole affair. The gardeners wish to get at
the root of the evil, and consequently have become radical reformers.
The laundresses have washed their hands clean of the business. The dyers
protest that things never looked so blue in their memory, as there is
but a slow demand for
A man carrying a flag, running from soldiers with swords bared FAST
COLOURS.
The butchers are reduced to their last stake. The weavers say their
lives hang by a single thread. The booksellers protest we must turn over
a new leaf. The ironmongers declare that the times are very hard indeed.
The cabmen say business is completely at a stand. The watermen are all
aground. The tailors object to the government measures;and the
undertakers think that affairs are assuming a grave aspect. Public
credit, too, is tottering;nobody will take doctors draughts, and it is
difficult to obtain cash for the best bills (of the play). An extensive
brandy-ball merchant in the neighbourhood of Oxford-street has called a
meeting of his creditors; and serious apprehensions are entertained that
a large manufacturer of lollypops in the Haymarket will be unable to
meet his heavy liabilities. Two watchmakers in the city have stopped
this morning, and what is more extraordinary, their watches have
stopped too.
THE NORMANDIE NO GO. The figure, stuffed with shavings, of a French
grenadier, constructed by the Duke of Normandie, and exhibited by him
recently at Woolwich, which he stated would explode if fired at by
bullets of his own construction, possitively objected to being blown up
in such a ridiculous manner; and though several balls were discharged at
the man of shavings, he showed no disposition to move. The Duke waxed
exceedingly wroth at the coolness of his soldier, and swore, if he had
been a true Frenchman, he would have gone off at the first fire.
A CONUNDRUM BY COL. SIBTHORP. Whats the difference between the top of
a mountain and a person afflicted with any disorder?Ones a summit of
a hill, and the others ill of a summut.
A CLASSICAL INSCRIPTION FOR A CIGAR CASE. ?? ßa?????? d???µa ?aß?, s?
??? F????.EURIPIDES.
FREE TRANSLATION. Accept this gift of To-Bacchacigar fellow.
FASHIONS FOR THE PRESENT WEEK. Though the dog-days have not yet
commenced, muzzlin is very general, and a new sort of shally, called
shilly-shally, is getting remarkably prevalent. Shots are still
considered the greatest hits, for those who are anxious to make a good
impression; flounces are out in the morning, and tucks in at dinner-
parties, the latter being excessively full, and much sought after. At
conversaziones, puffs are very usual, and sleeves are not so tight as
before, to allow of their being laughed in; jewels are not now to be met
with in the head, which is left au naturelthat is to say, as vacant as
possible.
Why is the Gazette like a Frenchmans letter?Because it is full of
broken English.
BREACH OF PRIVILEGE. In the strangers gallery in the American house of
representatives, the following notice is posted up:Gentlemen will be
pleased not to place their feet on the boards in front of the gallery,
as the dirt from them falls down on the senators heads. In our English
House of Commons, this pleasant penchant for dirt-throwing is practised
by the members instead of the strangers. It is quite amusing to see with
what energy OConnell and Lord Stanley are wont to bespatter and heap
dirt on each others heads in their legislative squabbles!
SHOCKING WANT OF SYMPATHY. Sir Peter Laurie has made a sad complaint to
the Lord Mayor, of the slippery state of the wooden pavement in the
Poultry, and strongly recommended the immediate removal of the blocks.
This is most barbarous conduct on the part of Sir Peter. Has he lost all
natural affection for his kindred, that he should seek to injure them in
public estimation? Has he no secret sympathy for the poor blocks whom he
has traduced? Let him lay his hand upon his head and confess that
A fellow feeling; makes us wondrous kind.
[pg 30] PUNCH AND PEEL THE NEW CABINET. PUNCH.Well, Sir Robert, have
you yet picked your men? Come, no mystery between friends. Besides,
consider your obligations to your old crony, Punch. Do you forget how I
stood by you on the Catholic question? Come, name, name! Who are to
pluck the golden pippinswho are to smack lips at the golden fishwho
are to chew the fine manchet loaves of Downing-street?
PEEL.The truth is, my dear Punch
PUNCH.Stop. You may put on that demure look, expand your right-hand
fingers across the region where the courtesy of anatomy awards to
politicians a heart, and talk about truth as a certain old lady with a
paper lanthorn before her door may talk of chastityyou may do all this
on the hustings; but this is not Tamworth: besides, you are now elected;
so take one of these cigarsthey were smuggled for me by my revered
friend Colonel Sibthorpfill your glass, and out with the list.
PEEL.(Rises and goes to the door, which he double locks; returns to his
seat, and takes from his waistcoat pocket a small piece of asss skin.)
I have jotted down a few names.
PUNCH.And, I see, on very proper material. Read, Robert, read.
PEEL.(In a mild voice and with a slight blush.)First Lord of the
Treasury, and Chancellor of the Exchequer, Sir Robert Peel!
PUNCH.Of course. Well?
PEEL.First Lord of the AdmiraltyDuke of Buckingham.
PUNCH.An excellent man for the Admiralty. He has been at sea in
politics all his life.
PEEL.Secretary for Foreign AffairsEarl of Aberdeen.
PUNCH.An admirable person for Foreign Affairs, especially if he
transacted em in Sierra Leone. Proceed.
PEEL.Lord Lieutenant of IrelandLord Wharncliffe.
PUNCH.Nothing could be better. Wharncliffe in Ireland! You might as
well appoint a red-hot poker to guard a powder magazine. Go on.
PEEL.Secretary for Home DepartmentGoulburn.
PUNCH.A most domestic gentleman; will take care of home, I am sure. Go
on.
PEEL.Lord ChancellorSir William Follett.
PUNCH.A capital appointment: Sir William loves the law as a spider
loves his spinning; and for the same reason Chancery cobwebs will be at
a premium.
PEEL.Secretary for the ColoniesLord Stanley.
PUNCH.Would make a better Governor of Macquarrie Harbour; but go on.
PEEL.President of the CouncilDuke of Wellington.
PUNCH.Think twice there.The Duke will be a great check upon you. The
Duke is now a little too old a mouser to enjoy Tory tricks. He has
unfortunately a large amount of common sense; and how fatal must that
quality be to the genius of the Wharncliffes, the Goulburns, and the
Stanleys! Besides, the Duke has another grievous weaknesshe wont lie.
PEEL.Secretary for IrelandSir H. Hardinge.
PUNCH.Come, that will do. Wharncliffe, the flaming torch of Toryism,
and Hardinge the small lucifer. How Ireland will be enlightened, and how
oranges will go up!
PEEL.Lord ChamberlainDuke of Beaufort.
PUNCH.Capital! The very politician for a Court carpet. Besides, he
knows the etiquette of every green-room from the Pavilion to the
Haymarket. He is, moreover, a member of the Garrick Club; and what, if
possible, speaks more for his State abilitieshe used to drive the
Brighton coach!
PEEL.Ambassador at ParisLord Lyndhurst.
PUNCH.Thats something like. How the graces of the Palais Royal will
rejoice! There is a peculiar fitness in this appointment; for is not his
Lordship son-in-law to old Goldsmid, whilom editor of the Anti-Galliean,
and for many years an honoured and withal notorious resident of Paris!
Of course BEN DISRAELI, his Lordships friend, will get a slice of
secretaryshipmay be allowed to nib a state quill, if he must not use
one. Well, go on.
PEEL.Thats all at present. How dye think they read?
PUNCH.Very gliblylike the summary of a Newgate Calendar. But the truth
is, I think we want a little new blood in the next Cabinet.
PEEL.New blood! Explain, dear Punch.
PUNCH.Why, most of your people are, unfortunately, tried men. Hence,
the people, knowing them as well as they know the contents of their own
breeches pockets, may not be gulled so long as if governed by those
whose tricksI mean, whose capabilitieshave not been so strongly
marked. With new men we have always the benefit of hope; and with hope
much swindling may be perpetrated.
PEEL.But my Cabinet contains known men.
PUNCH.Thats it; knowing them, hope is out of the question. Now, with
Ministers less notorious, the Cabinet farce might last a little longer.
I have put down a few names; here they are on a blank leaf of Jack
Sheppard.
PEEL.A presentation copy, I perceive.
PUNCH.-Why, it isnt generally known; but all the morality, the wit,
and the pathos, of that work I wrote myself.
PEEL.And I must say theyre quite worthy of you.
PUNCH.I know it; but readread Punchs Cabinet.
PEEL (reads).First Lord of the Treasury, and Chancellor of the
Exchequerthe Wizard of the North.
PUNCH.And, wizard as he is, hell have his work to do. He, however,
promises that every four-pound loaf shall henceforth go as far as eight,
so that no alteration of the Corn Laws shall be necessary. He
furthermore promises to plant Blackheath and Government waste grounds
with sugar-cane, and to raise the penny post stamp to fourpence, in so
delicate a manner that nobody shall feel the extra expense. As for the
opposition, what will a man care for even the speeches of a Sibthorpwho
can catch any number of bullets, any weight of lead, in his teeth? Go
on.
PEEL.First Lord of the AdmiraltyT.P. Cooke.
PUNCH.Is he not the very man? Who knows more about the true interests
of the navy? Who has beaten so many Frenchmen? Then think of his
hornpipethe very shuffling for a minister.
PEEL.Secretary for Foreign AffairsGold dust Solomons.
PUNCH.Show me a better man. Consider the many dear relations he has
abroad; and then his admirable knowledge of the rates of exchange? Think
of his crucible. Why, hed melt down all the crowns of Europe into a
coffee service for our gracious Queen, and turn the Popes tiara into
coral bells for the little Princess! And I ask you if such feats aint
the practical philosophy of all foreign policy? Go on.
PEEL.Lord Lieutenant of IrelandHenry Moreton Dyer.
PUNCH.An admirable person. As Ireland is the hotbed of all crimes, do
we not want a Lord Lieutenant who shall be able to assess the true value
of every indiscretion, from simple murder to compound larceny? As every
Irishman may in a few months be in prison, I want a Lord Lieutenant who
shall be emphatically the prisoners friend. Go on.
PEEL.Secretary for Home DepartmentGeorge Robins.
PUNCH.A man so intimately connected with the domestic affairs of the
influential classes of the country. Go on.
PEEL.Lord ChancellorMr. Dunn, barrister.
PUNCH.As it appears to me, the best protector of rich heiresses and
orphans. Go on.
PEEL.Secretary for the ColoniesMoney Moses.
PUNCH.A man, you will allow, with a great stake, in fact, with all he
has, in one of our colonial possessions. Go on.
PEEL.President of the CouncilMrs. Fry.
PUNCH.A lady whose individual respectability may give a convenient
cloak to any policy. Go on.
PEEL.Secretary for IrelandHenry Moreton Dyers footman.
PUNCH.On the venerable adage of like master like man. Go on.
PEEL.Lord ChamberlainThe boy Jones.
PUNCH.As one best knowing all the intricacies, from the Royal bed-
chamber to the scullery, of Buckingham Palace. Besides he will drive a
donkey-cart. Go on.
PEEL.Ambassador at ParisAlfred Bunn, or any other translator of
French Operas.
PUNCH.A person who will have a continual sense of the necessities of
his country at home; and therefore, by his position, be enabled to send
us the earliest copies of M. Scribes printed dramas; or, in cases of
exigency, the manuscripts themselves. And now, Bobby, what think you of
Punchs Cabinet?
PEEL.Why, really, I did not think the country contained so much state
talent.
PUNCH.Thats the narrowness of your philosophy; if you were to look
with an enlarged, a thinking mind, youd soon perceive that the distance
was not so great from St. Jamess to St. Gilessfrom the House of
Commons to the House of Correction. Well, do you accept my list?
PEEL.Excuse me, my dear Punch, I must first try my own; when if that
fails
PUNCH.Youll try mine? Thats a bargain.
[pg 31] PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. III. Scenes of a matron and a young
woman preparing for a party. THE EVENING PARTY.
PREPARATION. DECORATION.
REALIZATION. TERMINATION.
[pg 33] A FAIR OFFER In compliance with my usual practice, I send you
this letter, containing a trifling biographical sketch, and an offer of
my literary services. I dont suppose you will accept them, treating me
as for forty-three years past all the journals of this empire have done;
for I have offered my contributions to them allall. It was in the year
1798, that escaping from a French prison (that of Toulon, where I had
been condemned to the hulks for forgery)I say, from a French prison,
but to find myself incarcerated in an English dungeon (fraudulent
bankruptcy, implicated in swindling transactions, falsification of
accounts, and contempt of court), I began to amuse my hours of
imprisonment by literary composition.
I sent in that year my Apology for the Corsican, relative to die
murder of Captain Wright, to the late Mr. Perry, of the Morning
Chronicle, preparing an answer to the same in the Times journal; but as
the apology was not accepted (though the argument of it was quite clear,
and much to my credit), so neither was the answer receiveda sublime
piece, Mr. PUNCH, an unanswerable answer.
In the year 1799, I made an attempt on the journal of the late Reverend
Mr. Thomas Hill, then fast sinking in years; but he had ill-treated my
father, pursuing him before Mr. Justice Fielding for robbing him of a
snuff-box, in the year 1740; and he continued his resentment towards my
fathers unoffending son. I was cruelly rebuffed by Mr. Hill, as indeed
I have been by every other newspaper proprietor.
No; there is not a single periodical print which has appeared for forty-
three years since, to which I did not make some application. I have by
me essays and fugitive pieces in fourteen trunks, seven carpet bags of
trifles in verse, and a portmanteau with best part of an epic poem,
which it does not become me to praise. I have no less than four hundred
and ninety-five acts of dramatic composition, which have been rejected
even by the Syncretic Association.
Such is the set that for forty-three years has been made against a man
of genius by an envious literary world! Are you going to follow in its
wake? Ha, ha, ha! no less than seven thousand three hundred times (the
exact number of my applications) have I asked that question. Think well
before you reject me, Mr. PUNCHthink well, and at least listen to what
I have to say.
It is this: I am not wishing any longer to come forward with tragedies,
epics, essays, or original compositions. I am old nowmorose in temper,
troubled with poverty, jaundice, imprisonment, and habitual indigestion.
I hate everybody, and, with the exception of gin-and-water, everything.
I know every language, both in the known and unknown worlds; I am
profoundly ignorant of history, or indeed of any other useful science,
but have a smattering of all. I am excellently qualified to judge and
lash the vices of the age, having experienced, I may almost say, every
one of them in my own person. The immortal and immoral Goethe, that
celebrated sage of Germany, has made exactly the same confession.
I have a few and curious collection of Latin and Greek quotations.
And what is the result I draw from this? This simple onethat, of all
men living, I am the most qualified to be a CRITIC, and hereby offer
myself to your notice in that capacity.
Recollect, I am always at HomeFleet Prison, Letter L, fourth staircase,
paupers-wardfor a guinea, and a bottle of Hodges Cordial, I will do
anything. I will, for that sum, cheerfully abuse my own father or
mother. I can smash Shakspeare; I can prove Milton to be a driveller, or
the contrary: but, for preference, take, as I have said, the abusive
line.
Send me over then, Mr. P., any persons works whose sacrifice you may
require. I will cut him up, sir; I will flay himflagellate himfinish
him! You had better not send me (unless you have a private grudge
against the authors, when I am of course at your service)you had better
not send me any works of real merit; for I am infallibly prepared to
show that there is not any merit in them. I have not been one of the
great unread for forty-three years, without turning my misfortunes to
some account. Sir, I know how to make use of my adversity. I have been
accused, and rightfully too, of swindling, forgery, and slander. I have
been many times kicked down stairs. I am totally deficient in personal
courage; but, though I cant fight, I can rail, ay, and well. Send me
somebodys works, and youll see how I will treat them.
Will you have personal scandal? I am your man. I will swear away the
character, not only of an author, but of his whole familythe female
members of it especially. Do you suppose I care for being beaten? Bah! I
no more care for a flogging than a boy does at Eton: and only let the
flogger bewareI will be a match for him, I warrant you. The man who
beats me is a coward; for he knows I wont resist. Let the dastard
strike me then, or leave me, as he likes; but, for a choice, I prefer
abusing women, who have no brothers or guardians; for, regarding a
thrashing with indifference, I am not such a ninny as to prefer it. And
here you have an accurate account of my habits, history, and
disposition.
Farewell, sir; if I can be useful to you, command me. If you insert this
letter, you will, of course, pay for it, upon my order to that effect. I
say this, lest an unprincipled wife and children should apply to you for
money. They are in a state of starvation, and will scruple at no
dastardly stratagem to procure money. I spent every shilling of Mrs.
Jenkinsons property forty-five years ago.
I am, sir, your humble servant, DIOGENES JENKINSON,
Son of the late Ephraim Jenkinson, well known to Dr. O. Goldsmith; the
Rev. Primrose, D.D., Vicar of Wakefield; Doctor Johnson, of Dictionary
celebrity; and other literary gentlemen of the last century.
[We gratefully accept the offer of Mr. Diogenes Jenkinson, whose
qualifications render him admirably adapted to fill a situation which
Mr. John Ketch has most unhandsomely resigned, doubtlessly stimulated
thereto by the probable accession to power of his old friends the
Tories. We like a man who dares to own himselfa Jenkinson.ED.] FINE
ARTS. His Royal Highness Prince Albert, who has occasionally displayed a
knowledge and much liking for the Fine Arts, some time since expressed
an intimation to display his ability in sketching landscape from nature.
The Royal Academicians immediately assembled en masse; and as they
wisely imagined that it would be impolitic in them to let an opportunity
slip of not being the very foremost in the direction of matters
connected with royalty and their profession, offered, or rather thrust
forward, their services to arrange the landscape according to the
established rules of art laid down by this self-elected body of the
professors of the beauties of nature. St. Jamess-park, within the
enclosure, having been hinted as the nearest and most suitable spot for
the royal essay, the Academicians were in active service at an early
hour of the appointed day: some busied themselves in making foreground
objects, by pulling down trees and heaping stones together from the
neighbouring macadamized stores; others were most fancifully spotting
the trees with whitewash and other mixtures, in imitation of moss and
lichens. The classical Howard was awfully industrious in grouping some
swans, together with several kind-hearted ladies from the adjoining
purlieus of Tothill-street, who had been most willingly secured as
models for water-nymphs. The most rabidly-engaged gentleman was Turner,
who, despite the remonstrances of his colleagues upon the expense
attendant upon his whimsical notions, would persist in making the grass
more natural by emptying large buckets of treacle and mustard about the
ground. Another old gentleman, whose name we cannot at this moment call
to recollection, spent the whole of his time in placing a little man a-
fishing, that having been for many years his fixed belief as the only
illustration of the pastoral and picturesque. In the meantime, to their
utter disappointment, however, his Royal Highness quietly strolled with
his sketch-book into another quarter.
A BARRISTERS CARD. Mr. Briefless begs to inform the public and his
friends in general, that he has opened chambers in Pump-court.N.B.
Please to go down the area steps.
In consequence of the general pressure for money, Mr. Briefless has
determined to do business at the following very reduced scale of prices;
and flatters himself, that having been very long a member of a
celebrated debating society, he will be found to possess the qualities
so essential to a legal advocate.
Motions of cause, 6s. 6d.Usual charge, 10s. 5d. Undefended actions,
(from) 15s.Usually (from) 2l. 2s. Actions for breach of promise (from)
1l. 1s.Usually (from) 5l. 5s. to 500l. Ditto, with appeals to the
feelings, (from) 3l. 3s. Ditto, ditto, very superior, 5l. 5s. Ditto,
with tirades against the law (a highly approved mixture), 3l. 3s.
N.B. To the three last items there is an addition of five shillings for
a reply, should one be rendered requisite. Mr. Briefless begs to call
attention to the fact, that feeling the injustice that is done to the
public by the system of refreshers, he will in all cases, where he is
retained, take out his refreshers in brandy, rum, gin, ale, or porter.
Injured innocence carefully defended. Oppression and injustice
punctually persecuted. A liberal allowance to attorneys and solicitors.
A few old briefs wanted as dummies. Any one having a second-hand
coachmans wig to dispose of may hear of a purchaser.
[pg 34] THE WIFE CATCHERS. A LEGEND OF MY UNCLES BOOTS. Ah! sure a
pair was never seen,
More justly formd
CHAPTER I. The Letter J formed by a dog sitting up in begging position
ack, said my uncle Ned to me one evening, as we sat facing each other,
on either side of the old oak table, over which, for the last thirty
years, my worthy kinsmans best stories had been told, Jack, said he,
do you remember the pair of yellow-topped boots that hung upon the peg
in the hall, before you went to college?
Certainly, uncle; they were called by every one, The Wife Catchers.
Well, Jack, many a title has been given more undeservedlymany a rich
heiress they were the means of bringing into our family. But they are no
more, Jack. I lost the venerated relics just one week after your poor
dear aunt departed this life.
My uncle drew out his bandanna handkerchief and applied it to his eyes;
but I cannot be positive to which of the family relics this tribute of
affectionate recollection was paid.
Peace be with their soles! said I, solemnly. By what fatal chance did
our old friends slip off the peg?
Alas! replied my uncle, it was a melancholy accident; and as I
perceive you take an interest in their fate, I will relate it to you.
But first fill your glass, Jack; you need not be afraid of this stuff;
it never saw the face of a gauger. Come, no skylights; tis as mild as
new milk; theres not a head-ache in a hogshead of it.
To encourage me by his example, my uncle grasped the huge black case-
bottle which stood before him, and began to manufacture a tumbler of
punch according to Father Toms popular receipt.
Whilst he is engaged in this pleasing task, I will give my readers a
pen-and-ink sketch of my respected relative. Fancy a man declining from
his fiftieth year, but fresh, vigorous, and with a greenness in his age
that might put to the blush some of our modern hotbed-reared youths,
with the best of whom he could cross a country on the back of his
favourite hunter, Cruiskeen, and when the days sport was over, could
put a score of them under the aforementioned oak tablewhich, by the
way, was frequently the only one of the company that kept its legs upon
these occasions of Hibernian hospitality. I think I behold him now, with
his open, benevolent brow, thinly covered with grey hair, his full blue
eye and florid cheek, which glowed like the sunny side of a golden-
pippin that the winters frost had ripened without shrivelling. But as
he has finished the admixture of his punch, I will leave him to speak
for himself.
You know, Jack, said he, after gulping down nearly half the newly-
mixed tumbler, by way of sample, you know that our family can lay no
claim to antiquity; in fact, our pedigree ascends no higher, according
to the most authentic records, than Shawn Duffy, my grandfather, who
rented a small patch of ground on the sea-coast, which was such a
barren, unprofitable spot, that it was then, and is to this day, called
The Devils Half-acre. And well it merited the name, for if poor Shawn
was to break his heart at it, he never could get a better crop than
thistles or ragweed off it. But though the curse of sterility seemed to
have fallen on the land, Fortune, in order to recompense Shawn for
Natures niggardliness, made the caverns and creeks of that portion of
the coast which bounded his farm towards the sea the favourite resort of
smugglers. Shawn, in the true spirit of Christian benevolence, was
reputed to have favoured those enterprising traders in their industry,
by assisting to convey their cargoes into the interior of the country.
It was on one of those expeditions, about five oclock on a summers
morning, that a gauger unluckily met my grandfather carrying a bale of
tobacco on his back.
Here my uncle paused in his recital, and leaning across the table till
his mouth was close to my ear, said, in a confidential whisper
Jack, do you consider killing a gaugermurder?
Undoubtedly, sir.
You do? he replied, nodding his head significantly. Then heaven
forgive my poor grandfather. However, it cant be helped now. The gauger
was found dead, with an ugly fracture in his skull, the next day; and,
what was rather remarkable, Shawn Duffy began to thrive in the world
from that time forward. He was soon able to take an extensive farm, and,
in a little time, began to increase in wealth and importance. But it is
not so easy as some people imagine to shake off the remembrance of what
we have been, and it is still more difficult to make our friends
oblivious on that point, particularly if we have ascended in the scale
of respectability. Thus it was, that in spite of my grandfathers
weighty purse, he could not succeed in prefixing Mister to his name;
find he continued for a long time to be known as plain Shawn Duffy, of
the Devils Half-acre. It was undoubtedly a most diabolic address; but
Shawn was a man of considerable strength of mind, as well as of muscle,
and he resolved to become a juntleman, despite this damning
reminiscence. Vulgarity, it is said, sticks to a man like a limpet to a
rock. Shawn knew the best way to rub it off would be by mixing with good
society. Dress, he always understood, was the best passport he could
bring for admission within the pale of gentility; accordingly, he boldly
attempted to pass the boundary of plebeianism, by appearing one fine
morning at the fair of Ballybreesthawn in a flaming red waistcoat, an
elegant oarline22. A beaver hat. hat, a pair of buckskin breeches, and a
new pair of yellow-topped boots, which, with the assistance of large
plated spurs, and a heavy silver-mounted whip, took the shine out of the
smartest squireens at the fair.
Fortunately for the success of my grandfathers invasion of the
aristocratic rights, it occurred on the eve of a general election, and
as he had the command of six or eight votes in the county, his interest
was a matter of some importance to the candidates. Be that as it may, it
was with feelings little short of absolute dismay, that the respectable
inhabitants of the extensive village of Ballybreesthawn beheld the
metamorphosed tenant of The Devils Half-acre, walking arm-in-arm down
the street with Sir Denis Daly, the popular candidate. At all events,
this public and familiar promenade had the effect of establishing Mister
John Duffys dubious gentility. He was invited to dine the same day by
the attorney; and on the following night the apothecary proposed his
admission as a member of the Ballybreesthawn Liberal reading-room. It
was even whispered that Bill Costigan, who went twice a-year to Dublin
for goods, was trying to strike up a match between Shawn, who was a hale
widower, and his aunt, an ancient spinster, who was set down by report
as a fortune of seven hundred pounds. Negotiations were actually set on
foot, and several preliminary bottles of potteen had been drunk by the
parties concerned, when, unfortunately, in the high road to happiness,
my poor grandfather caught a fever, and popped off, to the inexpressible
grief of the expectant bride, who declared her intention of dying in the
virgin state; to which resolution, there being no dissentient voice, it
was carried nem. con.
Thus died the illustrious founder of our family; but happy was it for
posterity that the yellow-topped boots did not die along with him;
these, with the red waistcoat, the leather breeches, and plated spurs,
remained to raise the fortunes of our house to a higher station. The
waistcoat has been long since numbered with the waistcoats before the
flood; the buckskins, made of sterner stuff, stood the wear and tear
of the world for a length of time, but at last were put out of
commission; while the boots, more fortunate or tougher than their
leathern companions, endured more than forty years of actual service
through all the ramifications of our extensive family. In this time they
had suffered many dilapidations; but by the care and ingenuity of the
family cobbler, they were always kept in tolerable order, and performed
their duty with great credit to themselves, until an unlucky accident
deprived me of my old and valued friends.
POOR JOHN BULL. That knowing jockey Sir Robert Peel has stated that the
old charger, John Bull, is, from over-feeding, growing restive and
unmanageablekicking up his heels, and playing sundry tricks extremely
unbecoming in an animal of his advanced age and many infirmities. To
keep down this playful spirit, Sir Robert proposes that a new burthen be
placed upon his back in the shape of a house-tax, pledging himself that
it shall be heavy enough to effect the desired purpose. Commend us to
these Toriesthey are rare fellows for
An overweight man astride a horse that is down on its knees. BREAKING A
HORSE.
A STRONG RESEMBLANCE. Sir Edward Lytton Bulwer has frequently been
accused of identifying himself with the heroes of his novels. His late
treatment at Lincoln leaves no doubt of his identity with
A PUNCH character is warding off a large black man in colonial regalia
who is presenting a white woman with a black baby. THE DISOWNED.
A PRUDENT CHANGE. So Lord John Russell is married, said one of the
Carlton Club loungers to Colonel Sibthorp the other morning. Yes,
replied that gallant punster; his Lordship is at length convinced that
his talents will be better employed in the management of the Home than
the Colonial department.
[pg 35] THE ABOVE-BRIDGE NAVY. AN ARTICLE INTENDED FOR THE QUARTERLY
REVIEW, BUT FALLEN INTO THE HANDS OF PUNCH. Hours of the Starting of
the Boats of the Iron Steam Boat Company. London: 1841. Notes of a
Passenger on Board the Bachelor, during a Voyage from Old Swan Pier,
London Bridge, to the Red House, Battersea. CATNACH: 1840. Rule
Britannia, a Song. London: 1694. Two Years before the Mast. CUNNINGHAM.
London. Checks issued by the London and Westminster Steam Boat Company.
CATTARNS AND FRY. At a time when the glory of England standslike a door
shutting or opening either wayentirely upon a pivot; when the hostile
attitude of enemies abroad threatens not more, nor perhaps less, than
the antagonistic posture of foes at homeat such a time there is at
least a yet undug and hitherto unexplored mine of satisfaction in the
refreshing fact, that the Thames is fostering in his bosom an entirely
new navy, calculated to bid defiance to the foeshould he ever comein
the very heart and lungs, the very bowels and vitals, the very liver and
lungs, or, in one emphatic word, the very pluck of the metropolis. There
is not a more striking instance of the remarkable connexion between
littlevery littlecauses, and greatundeniably greateffects, than the
extraordinary origin, rise, progress, germ, development, and maturity,
of the above-bridge navy, the bringing of which prominently before the
public, who may owe to that navy at some futurewe hope so incalculably
distant as never to have a chance of arrivingday, the salvation of
their lives, the protection of their hearths, the inviolability of their
street-doors, and the security of their properties. Sprung from a little
knot of (we wish we could say jolly young, though truth compels us to
proclaim) far from jolly, and decidedly old, watermen, the above-
bridge navy, whose shattered and unfrequented wherries were always in
want of a fare, may now boast of covering the bosom of the Thames with
its fleet of steamers; thus, as it were, bringing the substantial piers
of London Bridge within a stones throwif we may be allowed to pitch it
so remarkably strongof the once remote regions of the Beach33.
Chelsea., and annihilating, as it were, the distance between sombre
southwark and bloom-breathing Battersea.
The establishment of this little fleet may well be a proud reflection to
those shareholders who, if they have no dividend in specie, have another
species of dividend in the swelling gratification with which the heart
of every one must be inflated, as, on seeing one of the noble craft dart
with the tide through the archessupposing, of course, it does not
strike against themof Westminster Bridge, he is enabled mentally to
exclaim, There goes some of my capital! But if the pride of the
proprietorif he can be called a proprietor who derives nothing from his
propertybe great, what must be the feelings of the captain to whose
guidance the bark is committed! We can scarcely conceive a nobler
subject of contemplation than one of those once indigentnot to say
absolutely done upwatermen, perched proudly on the summit of a paddle-
box, and thinkingas he very likely does, particularly when the vessel
swags and sways from side to sideof the height he stands upon.
It may be, and has been, urged by some, that the Thames is not exactly
the place to form the naval character; that a habit of braving the
dangers of the deep is hardly to be acquired where one may walk across
at low tide, on account of the water being so confoundedly shallow: but
these are cavillings which the lofty and truly patriotic mind will at
once and indignantly repudiate. The humble urchin, whose sole duty
consists in throwing out a rope to each pier, and holding hard by it
while the vessel stops, may one day be destined for some higher service:
and where is the English bosom that will not beat at the thought, that
the dirty lad below, whose exclamation of Ease her!stop her!one turn
ahead!may one day be destined to give the word of command on the
quarterdeck, and receive, in the shape of a cannon-ball, a glorious
full-stop to his honourable services!
Looking as we do at the above-bridge navy, in a large and national
light, we are not inclined to go into critical details, such as are to
be met with, passim, in the shrewd and amusing work of The Passenger on
board the Bachelor. There may be something in the objection, that there
is no getting comfortably into one of these boats when one desires to go
by it. It may be true, that a boys neglecting to hold sufficiently
hard, may keep the steamer vibrating and Sliding about, within a yard
of the pier, without approaching it. But these are small considerations,
and we are not sure that the necessity of keeping a sharp look out, and
jumping aboard at precisely the right time, does not keep up that
national ingenuity which is not the least valuable part of the English
character. In the same light are we disposed to regard the occasional
running aground of these boats, which, at all events, is a fine
practical lesson of patience to the passengers. The collisions are not
so much to our taste, and these, we think, though useful to a certain
extent for inculcating caution, should be resorted to as rarely as
possible.
We have not gone into the system of signals and hand motions, if we
may be allowed to use a legal term, by which the whole of this navy is
regulated; but these, and other details, may, perhaps, be the subject of
some future article for we are partial to
A sailor picking the pocket of a man dozing at a bar table. TAKING IT
EASY.
CORRESPONDENCE. Newcastle-street, July , 1841.
MR. PUNCH,Little did I think wen ive bin a gaping and starin at you
in the streats, that i shud ever happli to you for gustice. Isntet a
shame that peeple puts advurtusmints in the papers for a howsmaid for a
lark, as it puts all the poor survents out of plaice into a dredfool
situashun.
As i alwuss gets a peep at the paper on the landin as i takes it up for
breckfus, i was unfoughtunite enuf to see a parathingem-me-bobfor a
howsmaid, wanted in a nobblemans fameli. On course, a young woman has a
rite to better hursef if she can; so I makes up my mind at wuncehas i
oney has sicks pouns a ear, and finds my own t and shuggari makes up my
mind to arsk for a day out; which, has the cold mutting was jest enuf
for mastur and missus without me, was grarnted me. I soon clears up the
kitshun, and goes up stares to clean mysef. I puts on my silk gronin-
napple gownd, and my lase pillowrin, likewise my himitashun vermin
tippit, (give me by my cussen Harry, who keeps kumpany with me on hot-
dinner days), also my tuskin bonnit, parrersole, and blacbag; and i
takes mysef orf to South-street, but what was my felines, wen, on
wringing the belle, a boy anserd the daw, with two roes of brarse beeds
down his jacket.
Can i speek a word with the futman? says i, in my ingaugingist manner.
im futman, says he.
Then the cook, says i.
We arnt no cook, says he.
No cook! says i, almose putrifide with surprise; you must be jokin
Jokin, says he; do you no who lives here?
Not exacly, says i.
Lord Milburn, says he.
i thort i shud have dropt on the step, as a glimmerin of the doo shot
aX my mine.
Then you dont want no howsmaid? says i.
Howsmaid! says the boy; go to blazes: (What could he mean by
A cart of people carrying torches racing towards a burning building.
GOING TO BLAZES?)
No; ive toled fifty on ye so this morninits a oaks.
Then more shame of Lord Milborn to do it, says i; he may want a place
hissef some day or other, sayin of which i bounsed off the doorstep,
with all tho dignity i could command.
Now, what i wants to no is, wether i cant summons his lordship for my
day out. Harry sais, should i ever come in contract with Lord Milborn,
im to trete him with the silent kontempt of
Yours truly,
An indignant looking woman. AN INDIGNANT HOUSEMAID.
A MOVING SCENE. The present occupants of the government premises in
Downing-street, whose leases will expire in a few days, are busily
employed packing up their small affairs before the new tenants come into
possession. It is a pitiful sight to behold these poor people taking
leave of their softly-stuffed seats, their rocking-chairs, their
footstools, slippers, cushions, and all those little official comforts
of which they nave been so cruelly deprived. That man must, indeed, be
hard-hearted who would refuse to sympathise with their sorrows, or to
uplift his voice in the doleful Whig chorus, when he hears
The Jack, King, and Queen of Hearts with tears running down their faces.
THE PACK IN FULL CRY.
[pg 36] THE DRAMA DUCROW AT SADLERS WELLS. When, in a melo-drama, the
bride is placing her foot upon the first step of the altar, and
Ruffiaano tears her away, far from the grasp of her lover; when a rich
uncle in a farce dies to oblige a starving author in a garret; when, two
rivals duellise with toasting-forks; when such things are plotted and
acted in the theatre, hypercritics murmur at their improbability; but
compare them with the haps of the drama off the stage, and they become
the veriest of commonplaces. This is a world of change: the French have
invaded Algiers, British arms are doing mortal damage in the Celestial
Empire, Poulett Thomson has gone over to Canada, and oh! wonder of
wonders! Astleys has removed to Sadlers Wells!! The pyrotechnics of
the former have gone on a visit to the hydraulics of the latter, the red
fire of Astleys has come in contact with the real water of the Wells,
yet, marvel superlative! the unnatural meeting has been successfulthere
has not been a single hiss.
What was the use of Sir Hugh Middleton bringing the New River to a
head, or of King Jamie buying shares in the speculation on purpose to
supply Sadlers Wells with real water, if it is to be drained off from
under the stage to make way for horses? Shade of Dibdin! ghost of
Grimaldi! what would you have said in your day? To be sure ye were
guilty of pony races: they took place outside the theatre, but within
the walls, in the very cella of the aquatic temple, till now, never! We
wonder ye do not rise up and pluck bright Honner from the vasty deep
of his own tank.
Sawdust at Sadlers Wells! What next, Mr. Merriman?
A silhouette standing on the back of a horse which is running in a
circus ring. A JUDGE GOING THE CIRCUIT.
If Macready had been engaged for Clown, and set down to sing hot
codlins; were Palmerston secured for Pierrot, or Lord Monteagle for
Jim Crow, who would have wondered? But to saddle The Wells with
horsesprofanity unparalleled!
Spitefully predicting failure from this terrible declension of the
drama, we went, in a mood intensely ill-natured, to witness how the
Horse of the Pyrenees would behave himself at Sadlers Wells. From the
piece so called we anticipated no amusement; we thought the regular
company would make but sorry equestrians, and, like the King of
Westphalias hussars, would prove totally inefficient, from not being
habituated to mount on horseback. Happily we were mistaken; nothing
could possibly go better than both the animals and the piece. The actors
acquitted themselves manfully, even including the horses. The mysterious
Arab threw no damp over the performances, for he was personated by Mr.
Dry. The little Saracen was performed so well by le petit Ducrow, that
we longed to see more of him. The desperate battle fought by about
sixteen supernumeraries at the pass of Castle Moura, was quite as
sanguinary as ever: the combats were perfectionthe glory of the red
fire was nowise dimmed! It was magic, yes, it was magic! Mr. Widdicomb
was there!!
Thinking of magic and Mr. Widdicomb (of whom dark hints of
identification with the wandering Jew have been droppedwho, we know,
taught Prince George of Denmark horsemanshipwho is mentioned by Addison
in the Spectator, by Dr. Johnson in the Rambler, and helped to put
out each of the three fires that have happened at Astleys during the
last two centuries), brought by these considerations to a train of mind
highly susceptible of supernatural agency, we visited
THE WIZARD OF THE NORTH, the illustrious professor of Phnixsistography,
and other branches of the black art, the names of which are as
mysterious as their performance.
One only specimen of his prowess convinced us of his supernatural
talents. He politely solicited the loan of a bank-notehe was not choice
as to the amount or bank of issue. It may be, saith the play-bill, a
Bank of England or provincial note, for any sum from five pounds to one
thousand. His is better magic than Owen Glendowers, for the note did
come when he did call it! for a confiding individual in the boxes
(dress circle of course) actually did lend him, the Wizard, a cool
hundred! Conceive the power, in a metaphysical sense, the conjuror must
have had over the lenders mind! Was it animal magnetism?was it terror
raised by his extraordinary performances, that spirited the cash out of
the pocket of the man? who, perhaps, thought that such supernatural
talents might be otherwise employed against his very existence, thus
occupying his perturbed soul with the alternative, Your money or your
life!
This subject is deeply interesting to actors out of engagements,
literary men, and people who have seen better daysindividuals who
have brought this species of conjuration to a high state of perfection.
It is a new and important chapter in the art of borrowing. We perceive
in the Wizards advertisements he takes pupils, and offers to make them
proficient in any of his delusions at a guinea per trick. We intend to
put ourselves under his instructions for the bank-note trick, the moment
we can borrow one-pound-one for that purpose.
Besides this, the Wizard does a variety of things which made our hair
stand on end, even while reading their description in his play-bill. We
did not see him perform them. There was no occasionthe bank-note trick
convinced usfor the man who can borrow a hundred pounds whenever he
wants it can do anything.
Everybody ought to go and see him. Young ladies having a taste for
sentimental-looking men, who wear their hair à la jeune France; natural
historians who want to see guinea-pigs fly; gamesters who would like to
be made fly to a card trick or two; connoisseurs, who wish to see how
plum-pudding may be made in hats, will all be gratified by a visit to
the Adelphi.
MACBETH AT THE SURREY. We heard the Macbeth choruses exquisitely
performed, and saw the concluding combat furiously fought at this
theatre. This was all, appertaining unto Macbeth in which we could
detect a near approach to the meaning and purpose of the text, except
the performance of the Queen, by Mrs. H. Vining, who seemed to
understand the purport of the words she had to speak, and was,
consequently, inoffensivea rare merit when Shakspere is attempted on
the other side of the Thames.
The qualifications demanded of an actor by the usual run of Surrey
audiences are lungs of undeniable efficiency, limbs which will admit of
every variety of contortion, and a talent for broad-sword combats. How,
then, could the new Macbetha Mr. Grahamthink of choosing this theatre
for his first appearance? His deportment is quiet, and his voice weak.
It has, for instance, been usually thought, by most actors, that after a
gentleman has murdered his sovereign, and caused a similar peccadillo to
be committed upon his dearest friend, he would be, in some degree,
agitated, and put out of the even tenor of his way, when the ghost of
Banquo appears at the banquet. On such an occasion, John Kemble and
Edmund Kean used to think it advisable to start with an expression of
terror or horror; but Mr. Graham indulges us with a new reading. He
carefully places one foot somewhat in advance of the other, and puts his
hands together with the utmost deliberation. Again, he says mildly
Avaunt! and quit my sight! Let the earth hide thee!
in a tone which would well befit the situation, if the text ran thus:
Dear me, how singular! Pray go!
When he does attempt to vociferate, the asthmatic complaint under which
he evidently labours prevents him from delivering the sentences in more
copious instalments than the following:
Ill fighttillfrom my bonesmy fleshbe hacked!
We may be told that Mr. Graham cannot help his physical defects; but he
can help being an actor, and, above all, choosing a part which requires
great prowess of voice. In less trying characters, he may prove an
acquisition; for he showed no lack of judgment nor of acquaintance with
the conventional rules of the stage. At the Surrey, and in Macbeth, he
is entirely out of his element. Above all, let him never play with Mr.
Hicks, whose energy in the combat scene, and ranting all through
Macduff, brought down Brayvo, Hicks! in showers. The contrast is
really too disadvantageous.
But the choruses! Never were they more bewitchingly performed. Leffler
sings the part of Hecate better than his best friends could have
anticipated; and, apart from the singing, Miss Romers acting in the
soprano witch, is picturesque in the extreme.
HOP INTELLIGENCE Fanny Elsler has made an enormous fortune by her trips
in America. Few pockets are so crammed by hops as hers.
Oscar Byrne, professor of the College Hornpipe to the London University,
had a long interview yesterday with Lord Palmerston to give his lordship
lessons in the new waltz step. The master complains that, despite a long
political lifes practice, the pupil does not turn quick enough. A
change was, however, apparent at the last lesson, and his lordship is
expected soon to be able to effect a complete rota-tory motion.
Mademoiselle Taglioni has left London for Germany, her fatherland, the
country of her pas.
The society for the promotion of civilization have engaged Mr. Tom
Matthews to teach the Hottentots the minuet-de-la-Cour and tumbling. He
departs with the other missionaries when the hot weather sets in.
Charles Kean is becoming so popular with the jokers of the day, that we
have serious thoughts of reserving a corner entirely to his use. Amongst
the many hits at the young tragedian, the two following are not the
worst:
EARLY ADVANTAGES. Keans juvenile probation at Eton has done him good
service with the aristocratic patrons of the drama, remarked a lady to
a witty friend of ours. Yes, madam, was the reply, he seems to have
gained by Eaton what his father lost by drinking.
BILL-STICKERS BEWARE. How Webster puffs young Keanhe seems to
monopolise the walls! said Wakley to his colleague, Tom Duncombe.
Merely a realisation of the adage,The weakest always goes to the
wall, replied the idol of Finsbury.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. [pg 37] AUGUST 7, 1841. THE
WIFE-CATCHERS. A LEGEND OF MY UNCLES BOOTS. In Four Chapters. His name
tis proper you should hear,
Twas Timothy Thady Mulligin:
And whenever he finishd his tumbler of punch,
He always wished it full agin.